Unrecognizable: The Morgan You’d Never Believe

Morgan’s story doesn’t start at rock bottom—it blows straight through it.

Growing up in South Florida, her life was marked early on by instability, confusion, and a constant search for something that felt like solid ground. What followed was a familiar but brutal path: drugs, chaos, and a steady descent into self-destruction.

But even by recovery standards… Morgan pushed the limits.

In one of the most brutally honest moments of this episode, she admits to smoking meth inside a treatment center—a line most people don’t come back from. It’s the kind of story that makes you question whether some people are just too far gone.

And yet… she’s not.

In this raw, unfiltered conversation, Morgan sits down with Seb to unpack what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now. Together, they reflect on just how unlikely their recovery really is—and why that’s exactly what makes it so powerful. This episode isn’t about perfection. It’s about transformation. About becoming completely unrecognizable from the person you once were.

Because if Morgan can come back from that…
 there’s hope for anyone.

Produced by Jesse Solomon.

Resources

Beit T’Shuvah – Recovery, community, and treatment
https://www.beittshuvah.org

Support Beit T’Shuvah
https://beittshuvah.org/support/donate/

Alcoholics Anonymous
https://www.aa.org

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
https://slaafws.org/newcomers/

Credits

Host: Seb Webber
Executive Producer: Jesse Solomon
Intro Theme: Jesse Solomon

Recorded live at Beit T’Shuvah
8831 Venice Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90034

Production inquiries:
seb@magick-arts.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Sticker Than Others is a podcast on the ups and downs of recovery. This podcast does not reflect the views or opinions of Betashuva or any of its subsidiary businesses or partners. Sticker Than Others neither speaks for AA or recovery as a whole, but you'll find some useful links below if you want to find out more. Sticker Than Others touches on subjects and situations that some listeners may find offensive, or if you're lucky, triggering. You have been warned. Hi, welcome to Sticker Than Others, the podcast board to you. We're gonna start that again.

SPEAKER_03 0:29

Is there any topics that are off limits?

SPEAKER_00 0:32

This is a great place to start. Welcome to Sticker Than Others, the podcast that's brought to you from within a treatment center in California. Um I'm your host, Seb Webber, and I'm very excited about my next guest, my road dog, my one and only, my girl who I trudged this road of happy destiny with. Morgan, welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Thank you. Thank you for having me. Yeah, of course. Excited to be here.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Dude, I I mean I say this on every episode. I'm so excited, and I am genuinely excited about the people I talk to. But this one is great because we did this together.

SPEAKER_03 1:22

We did.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

And also, you were a fuck up.

SPEAKER_03 1:25

I was a major fuck up.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Still am. I mean, I'm just gonna jump into it. You smoked meth in a treatment centre. I did. And like, but I say that because while that is not fucking like that's not like something that that is I'm not trying to glamorize that, is that people that are so far gone, there's everybody gets a second chance. Should get a second chance.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

If they do certain things. And um, I mean, I also believe that the smart money is on none of us. I really think that every day. I think it's part of the reason it keeps me sober, is that like I'll be real with you, if I was a gambler, I wouldn't bet on Jesse, I wouldn't bet on you, and I certainly wouldn't fucking bet on me that I've got this. It's a miracle, it's a fucking miracle, but it's also I I love it because you also it reminds you that no nobody's too far gone and you shouldn't give up on anybody, and also that miracles do happen and people change. And I can tell you, even though right at the start of this interview, you and I would say, like me, have done a complete 180 to what the people we were when we came in.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

Absolutely, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:28

Yeah, 100% unrecognisable. Unrecognizable. Like, I just remember when I was counting days, couldn't get like this was before I came into treatment, but like the the idea that I was gonna have some sort of spiritual psychic change, or the idea that I was gonna be different than the person I was was so far removed from the actual, you know, it was so out of reach, like it wasn't possible. I just had no foresight on that, and it's just amazing. My favorite thing is watching the people I love and care about change their lives around. It is a hundred percent the reason why I keep coming to AA, I keep myself in a community, because when we see the people that went through what we did, it it really brings the most joy in my life. It's amazing. Like we shouldn't be here, dude.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

I know.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Like at all. Like we should not be here. So um the get down here is real simple. Tell me uh what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. Tell me about when you started uh well you're from Florida, right?

SPEAKER_03 3:32

I am, I am from South Florida.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

Yeah, a lot of drugs there. Yeah, a lot of rehabs as well.

SPEAKER_03 3:37

A lot of cocaine.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Yeah, yeah. A lot of rehabs though, isn't it? Like the most central centralized amount of rehabs or something in a state, I think, is Florida.

SPEAKER_03 3:43

Oh really? I thought it was California. Who knows? I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

But um uh yeah, so you grew up in Florida? I didn't. Lots of drugs? Yeah, lots of drugs. Tell me about like your childhood. Let's get into the the nasty stuff.

SPEAKER_03 3:57

Okay. Oh, okay. So I am originally from Fort Myers, Florida. Um my parents got divorced when I was probably like five years old. Um my mother was a heroin addict and moved to South Beach to go prostitute and left my father and I.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 4:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Didn't know that bit.

SPEAKER_03 4:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:27

Um, my dad got re he was like a single dad. Uh him and my grandmother uh raised me until I was like nine. Then my dad remarried a woman that had two daughters. So I've two stepsisters, one the same age, one two years older. And I have a half-sister who is eight years younger. So four girls growing up.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 4:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Wow, I bet the line for the bathroom in the morning was horrendous for your daughter.

SPEAKER_03 4:55

All sharing one bathroom, just the girls, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

Poor dad, that's great.

SPEAKER_03 4:59

Yeah, he had his own bathroom, so that's all right.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

Yeah. Um so, yeah. Your parents got divorced. We I hear that a lot. Do you think that had anything to do with what happened? Absolutely. You do see, I'm I'm a different I don't know about that.

SPEAKER_03 5:19

Really?

SPEAKER_00 5:19

Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 5:20

Maybe it's just me, but like Well, I think I was like predestined because my mother had some hardcore addiction issues.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

Yeah. That'll happen. Yeah. Um so this is the kind of horror stories I hear in like Florida. Did you did you start using drugs in school? Like, tell me about like when you started experimenting with drugs.

SPEAKER_03 5:41

Um, I was probably like 14.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Which is crazy to me. I hear that all the time. Oh, it's like four, like people think that's old. Like you were 14.

SPEAKER_03 5:48

Yeah, just weed. Like my sister and I would steal weed from my dad's lockbox. Oh really? The code was zero zero zero. Very clever. Um, and just drinking like heavily, didn't know when to stop, throwing up.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Yeah. But was it like social or yeah, it was social.

SPEAKER_03 6:15

Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 6:17

Were you uh like because I remember when I f the first time I drank, um was it like instant that it hit you that you were like, oh I want to do this again?

SPEAKER_03 6:26

Or were you like you just kind of like just a sigh of relief.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Yeah. Yeah. And uh and then tell me about the progression of that.

SPEAKER_03 6:38

Um Well uh my older sister she was a raver. So she it wasn't Molly back then, it was definitely ecstasy. So that that kind of like d deterred me to do like hard stuff because I was I always like heard ecstasy put holes in your brain, and for some reason I was afraid of that.

SPEAKER_00 7:00

It's so funny you say that. We had that in England we had this there was a girl that died called No of taking ecstasy. And I only remember that because it was all about you're gonna take ecstasy and you're gonna overheat and die.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

Right. But your sister was a raver, but and uh is that how you got introduced to that that world?

SPEAKER_03 7:20

Um, no, not really. I was actually really terrified for be terrified of it.

SPEAKER_00 7:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:27

She had like an abusive boyfriend and it was a whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

So what what made you go, alright, drinking's cool, but let me try something else?

SPEAKER_03 7:35

Um, I don't think it was actually, yeah, it was probably like my senior year. I just didn't give a fuck. Like we tried whatever kind of pills you had, cocaine. Probably the end of my senior year, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

Yeah. Um you anything was down, anything was good to go. Yeah. Um and so tell me about that like transition out of like school into like college.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

Yeah, I moved to Tampa, which is like an hour and a half north.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

That's a party city, right?

SPEAKER_03 8:13

Yeah, absolutely. And I just um progressively drank more and more. I was partying like seven nights a week. Every night was such and such night at this bar, and just but I thought I had it together because I would literally stay up to like 3, 4, throwing up, be at class at 8 a.m. Like I was pretty responsible.

SPEAKER_00 8:41

Yeah, I but I also I think that's just youth though. I remember like we used to have a place called Weatherspoons in England, and on Friday fucking nights, it was 99 pence coronas and£1.25 double vodka Red Bulls, and we would leave school, go and get absolutely fucking shit faced on like£12, right? You'd get absolutely hammered, and then we'll all sleep at no house, and then we'd all wake up at six and I'd go to work at Blockbusters, and I was like, chill. And I was like, I mean, not just because I'm sober, but the idea of having four beers and three double vodka red balls, not only does it sound horrendous for the sobriety reason, but I actually think I would be hung over until Thursday. Yeah. But yeah, we had a I think that that's the youth metabolism.

SPEAKER_03 9:25

This is true.

SPEAKER_00 9:26

Um When did you move out here?

SPEAKER_03 9:29

I moved out here in 2012. Okay. Yeah. Alright.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

Um were you already using and your drug of choice is what? Fentanyl and meth?

SPEAKER_03 9:37

Um opiates. Opiates, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:40

Whatever you got.

SPEAKER_03 9:41

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Honestly. But opiates really brought me to my knees.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Were you but were you in your opiate swing, like were you in the opiate phase in Florida before you moved here?

SPEAKER_03 9:51

Um, a little bit. It's like the pill mill capital down there. You can just doctor shop. Um, yeah. The oxy thirties were big.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:01

Yeah, but I would do a little stop, do a little stop. Um stop. Just do a little, then stop. Do a little bit for months, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:11

That was good.

SPEAKER_03 10:12

But um I was prescribed Xanax like relatively young there. And that's when I started abusing Xanax, which really fucked me up.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

Yeah, benzos are and for anyone that doesn't know, benzos are like one of the most dangerous detoxins. Yeah. Right? It's benzos and alcohol are the two two I guess statistically the the worst ones. Um, so you were already in like full pill swing before you moved here. Mm-hmm. And then what you moved here, were you in a relationship or I did.

SPEAKER_03 10:44

I moved here for a guy that I spent a weekend with.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 10:51

Tell me about that.

SPEAKER_00 10:53

You're just like, oh, I love you. Let's go.

SPEAKER_03 10:56

Yeah. Um, we were we were mutual friends. He was friends with my ex-boyfriend in Florida. He had moved out here. We reconnected through Facebook. Um, he's like, why don't you come out and visit? So I came, spent a weekend, and I was like, oh my god, I love LA. I want to move out here. Went back. I was working at a can I say like a st a store in South Florida.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

Yeah, you could say any you could say it.

SPEAKER_03 11:22

I was working at Neiman Marcus. Okay, cool. So I Please don't say what's Neiman Marcus. I interviewed um for their Beverly Hills location, which is like the w West Coast flagship store, and I got the job, so I just decided to move to LA.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

Amazing.

SPEAKER_03 11:42

Yeah, and he ended up being a horrible person.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

Is this the guy that I know about, or is this a different guy? This is a different guy.

SPEAKER_03 11:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

So that didn't work out?

SPEAKER_03 11:52

Did not.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

Do you think you were pulling a geographic?

SPEAKER_03 11:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

You were just like, I'm over my life in Florida. Let's get this California sunshine.

SPEAKER_03 12:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Okay, cool. It's funny, everywhere you go, there you are, though, right? Everywhere you go, there you are. So you're in a shitty relationship, doesn't work out. Do you have any family out here?

SPEAKER_03 12:12

Do you not?

SPEAKER_00 12:13

Yeah, I relate to that.

SPEAKER_03 12:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:15

All alone.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

I mean, you're not all alone. It's not fucking world's smallest violin playing just for you. But yeah, I get that, right? When you move, I moved out here too, and um I guess especially if you move for a relationship when that goes away, you're not probably left with a lot.

SPEAKER_03 12:32

No, and especially like I was with Neiman's for a while. Um every month we would like accrue like Neiman Marcus rewards, which are like gift cards and that you can use there. So I did I bought this Monclair jacket. Um it ended up being like too tight and I couldn't return it. So my ex and I decided to sell it on eBay. When I broke up with him and sent him back to Albuquerque, New Mexico, he decided to call loss prevention at Neiman's and get me fired. From I was there like eight years.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Because you're not allowed to sell stuff that you get with the credit.

SPEAKER_03 13:11

Correct.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

Alright. So you didn't even boost it.

SPEAKER_03 13:13

You just after that, my life in LA, it was just downhill from there.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:21

Yes. Depression, just living off disability, too much time on my hands, moving from place to place. Probably lived in like thir thirty or more places since I've been here in like thirteen years.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

Yeah. So he he left, he went back to Albuquerque. Yeah, okay. That's fucking wild. Um How do you s how did you discover meth? I'm always interested to hear people's discovery of meth. Meth, I'm dirty fucking drug.

SPEAKER_03 13:53

Yeah. Um stimulants weren't really like my gut down. Like I was born with the congenital heart um Alright, like that's gonna fucking stop me.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

I love it when people pre- Yeah, I was born with this fucking heart condition. But by the way, I also smoke meth.

SPEAKER_03 14:12

I I it was SVT and my heart, it would just randomly go like 200 beats a minute, and I'd have to call 911 and they'd have to start and restop my my heart. And I had two surgeries, and the first one was unsuccessful. The second one they were able to like cauterize the extra AV node, so that's uh that's under control. But I didn't actually try math until I was literally probably four years ago.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Oh, okay. I didn't know I thought you were uh a long time. Oh, then you didn't even have good meth, you had shitty meth. Oh god.

SPEAKER_03 14:46

Yeah, it was never really my guess. I mean, yeah, I did it like to stay awake after like the fentanyl. Like but it was never really my thing.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Right. So how did you make that leap from so you were doing the ox the oxy oxy80, oxy 30s, right? That's a thing. Yeah, oxygen. And then you moved over to fentanyl.

SPEAKER_03 15:06

Okay, so I the guy that I sent back to Albuquerque was abusive. That's terrible. One time we had gotten to an altercation and he picked me up and slammed me on the bed. My spine hit the the footboard and I broke my L3 vertebrae, and I also had like ligament, uh, torn ligaments in my back, my like love handle type area. So um I was out of work for like three months, probably on disability, prescribed so many Norcos. So um had to wear a back brace, was in excruciating pain. Um so that kind of like set the demon off again. Just like the Norcos. Um and then I had moved in to this place I was actually in the marina. It was like a little tiny studio in Where?

SPEAKER_00 16:07

In the marina.

SPEAKER_03 16:09

Um off Pacific, actually, right by the jetty. Oh yeah, yeah. But um this this girl was doing a lot of Norcos and I was like, yeah, let's go get some. And so we called one of my friends that knew someone, it ended up being my cr my ex-boyfriend who um sold us some Norcos, and then um my friend and I were at his house one day, and we like would always like fuck with him and like pick the lock with a credit card. It was because he had his bedroom door locked. We're like, what are you doing? Um and we walked in on him and he was like snorting some white powder. He's like, and we're like my friend was like, I want some. He's like, No, you guys don't want this. He's like, Okay, fine, you can have some. He told us it was cold water extracted hydrocodone. Um, and at that point, I was doing it every day for like a probably like six weeks, and I had gone to a hairdresser, she's like, Bitch, you're doing China White. So I was like, Cool, I'm on heroin.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

Yeah. Alright. Isn't China White hard to find in L?

SPEAKER_03 17:20

Yes, but he's from the East Coast, he's from Vermont, so we had to connect back east.

SPEAKER_00 17:25

Yeah, yeah, it's a little difficult. It was black small heroin out here, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um, okay, so you're like, oh, I'm doing heroin now.

SPEAKER_03 17:35

Yeah, and I I literally like couldn't stop. I was like, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

It's funny you say that because the first treatment center I went to, and I've done a, you know, I've got a little collection under my belt at this point. Um I went to a swanky one in Palm Springs, and most of the dudes there had that story, which was like, oh, I have a pool cleaning business and I broke my back, or hey, I'm a mechanic and I've hurt my hips or whatever, and they get on pills and they get cut off, and then somebody goes, Oh, by the way, you can get this cheaper and it's better. Yeah. The story of like I know way more people who have tried which is also because I hang out with drug addicts, but I also just know way more people that like have gotten onto heroin from doctor prescribed drugs than probably coming off doctor prescribed drugs normally. Like, I don't really have met really met anyone that's like, Yeah, I did some of these uh fucking oxies for a bit and my back was fine and I'm all good now. Yeah, it's always like, hey, I get this progression of going to heroin.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

So you wake up, you're like, oh shit, I'm doing heroin now.

SPEAKER_01 18:39

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 18:40

Um were you mad at the guy that gave it to you? Absolutely. Yeah, if he was like, hey, this is heroin.

SPEAKER_03 18:46

Yeah, I would have never touched it. Oh, I actually come on, let's be real here.

SPEAKER_00 18:50

Yeah, you'd be like, oh well, I mean, you know, it's China white, you know, it's not like heroin, heroin. Yeah. But it is, it's just heroin. Uh okay. But you were so he got you hooked. I you know what I hear that story too a lot of like makes me sad. Of like I know of a couple cases of people in my life that I care about who have been introduced to fentanyl or or heroin through a dude. So it should be like a safe relationship. Mind you, he was a drug dealer. So I mean I mean, come on. But but I hear that a lot of like a dude gets a girl hooked on it. Like, I and I again I don't know if it's a generalization, I've just heard that a lot. Um do you think he was I and maybe this is No, I think he's not like a d a bad dude, but do you think he was it was like do you think he was really trying to keep you away from it or was he? Absolutely not. Right.

SPEAKER_03 19:54

He know what he was doing.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

Because there's nothing worse than being high and wanting to kick it with someone and then not on the high level that you're on. Absolutely. Right? You've got to there's no like, oh, I'm doing this drug and you're doing this drug. Like if you're especially if you're like hooking up or whatever, there's no way you're like, oh, I'm gonna do my meth over here and then she's gonna do her fence and like you you've gotta be on each other's low, yeah. Yeah, low. You've gotta be on each other's fucking drug level. Um It's it's fucked up though.

SPEAKER_03 20:23

Super fucked up.

SPEAKER_00 20:24

You can vape.

SPEAKER_03 20:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

It's fine. Um Yeah, that's but you were you but you were into him though too, right? There was like a like it wasn't just you weren't just hanging out with him for the drugs. You mean you had a racial and you'd like cared about him, right?

SPEAKER_03 20:42

I mean I wish I was.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

Sick people find sick people, dude, though. It's like that's the story, right? It's like it's it's amazing how when we're in this fucking ha we're on the hamster wheel how we meet because I also believe that not all drug dealers I don't believe all drug deals, but I can tell you that I've met like when I was getting high on meth, like nothing is more vulnerable and like um comforting in a weird way than especially because I have the the issue with escorts too, but like the idea of like being intimate with somebody and on drugs is like a real rest It's like it's it was something that I I I that I was so addicted to that too. Like it was just like the intimacy of seeing when you're high, right, and you're messing around with someone, there's this whole barrier of like I see you for completely who you are, right? It's really fucking dark. I had to do a lot of like untangling of like the weird sex shit because of that, like the intimacy that drugs bring you together. It's chemically fucking so powerful, dude. Just out just out it's not the same as when you're kicking it with your homie and like doing that. It's like you see the other person's darkest, most vulnerable, most intimate, like it's it's really hard. And I you totally see why people that that that like like the using together, the whole Sid and Nancy thing is is really real.

SPEAKER_03 22:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

And it's it's it's something that takes a long time to rewire.

unknown 22:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

It's like the I I don't know, I just I can really relate to the um how deep and dark it gets when you're doing it with someone else.

SPEAKER_03 22:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Right?

SPEAKER_03 22:31

Yeah and we had both we were together for nine years. We had both tried to get clean. Um his answer to getting clean was to fly to Detroit and do rapid detox just no program no AA nothing.

SPEAKER_00 22:48

Yeah. Um but people do people um uh people like to figure that they know how to do this shit and the idea that you go somewhere to detox and you're gonna be fine is just so mind boggingly bullshit to me.

SPEAKER_03 23:04

It's like and they it's like$10,000 they send them home with like Adavan um what is that one that's like Adderall? Vivans.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Oh yeah just for low energy and yeah it's it's wild to me people that go to detox without like actual like again I genuinely don't think I've ever met anybody. I mean this and I've been doing trying to do this for a very fucking long time who's like yeah I went to detox for five days and I'm great like oh hold on no no no the it's for anyone that doesn't understand what a detox is a detox is separate for a residential treatment center a detox is where you go to actually get kind of usually medically assisted to get off things that are really kind of in you right and you need to be supervised especially with benzos especially with alcohol but it doesn't get you well no in fact arguably at the end of a detox you are a hundred percent more fucking mental than you were five days ago yeah absolutely mental yeah but he had a bright idea he went to Detroit what were you so were you trying to get clean at this point too um oh so I think we had been dating like a couple years um we went home for I went I took him to Florida to meet my family over like Christmas my drug dealer boyfriend.

SPEAKER_03 24:21

Yeah oh he he oh this is so and so he gave me heroin yeah can he help cough the turkey yeah so we went home for Christmas um probably about like four hours before we were supposed to leave for the airport to come back to LA we got into a huge fight he like took off in the rental car um and I thought he wasn't coming back to get me so I was like fuck and we had run out of drugs at that point so I was staying with my parents and I was like mom dad I'm on heroin and I need help and like the look on their face it was just they were completely heartbroken. Yeah yeah and then he tried to come back and my dad told him to get the fuck out of there pretty much and so that was the first time I got sober I went to a a place in Florida. And they they your parents jumped in they helped me yeah yeah that's good and I went to a 90 day treatment uh center after detox there.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Yeah. And then how how long did you last in the outside world?

SPEAKER_03 25:30

Probably like uh a year and a half.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

Oh that's pro that's commendable.

SPEAKER_03 25:35

Yeah and he during the time I was in treatment he had gone to rapid detox. Right. Um so when I came back like we were both sober but it was it was just like weird like being with someone like like all you know is like getting high together and then you're sober like everything's so different. I hadn't seen him in like almost four months. It was just weird. And then I would we were living in Venice I would go to like meetings and I tried to take him with me a couple times um there's one by the firehouse over there kinda um but he would always like talk shit about it so I was like fine I don't need AA and slowly things.

SPEAKER_02 26:23

And he was still selling drugs.

SPEAKER_03 26:24

Oh yeah I had gone down to his BMW to find something and I found a huge bag of oxies and I took a handful of them obviously and just stuffed them in my coat pocket in the in the closet for like a rainy day. Yeah yeah I didn't even take them immediately it took me like uh months but yeah just you cannot be a a sober drug dealer it's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 26:50

No you know no I mean that's kind of obvious though but yeah and the sad thing is and I I understand why people do AA right I get I I understand why people I sorry I understand why people don't like AA I also sadly just don't know of another way I've seen it done successfully it's that that's that real fucking surrender that comes with it. Like I don't I was having this chat with a sponsee this morning and I'm like do you think that I want to talk to you at seven in the morning?

SPEAKER_03 27:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

Do you think I want to go to seven meetings a week do you think I want to fucking do this that I don't want to do any of that but like I can see what I'm trying to say is I can see why like it's it's difficult for some people to wrap their heads around the reality is I've just done a lot of experiment and I just haven't and trust me I want to be really clear if there was another way of doing the least amount of work possible and surviving I would 100% never set foot in an A mean again. I just haven't fucking seen it.

SPEAKER_03 27:49

This is true. Right? And I mean life is about doing things you don't want to do. You think I want to work a graveyard shift like you were saying today.

SPEAKER_00 27:57

I don't but those are the things we have to do to stay sober sober.

SPEAKER_03 28:02

That's my number one priority right 100% even like uh 17 months later that's right girl um yeah I just do what I need to do for now. Life's not about doing what you want to do all the time.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

No it's not well the book says it we're selfish and self uh we're selfish and self-centered right that's really what we are at our core. So what happened this uh this last time so you came you came here you came when did you get in when did you get into the program?

SPEAKER_03 28:32

Um a month after me maybe July 1st I came here a couple months after me 2024 yeah yeah I came here March 18th um but what what was the driving factor? Oh my god my life literally rock bottom like I was so alone so isolated like extreme agoraphobia I was living downtown LA um was scared to walk my leave the house to walk my dog um there was constantly people like it was a revolving door you know being like a drug dealer there's people there all the time like just horrible and and the worst type of people you know that'll l steal your dope and help you look for it type of people but what was the what was the defining factor that you made the call and you were like alright this time for real um this time almost for real I was like extremely suicidal like lived on the top floor I'd walk up to the roof and I would scream like I have nothing to live for like so dramatic I think I texted the suicide hotline and I don't know I was and I think they put me in touch with CryHelp so that's where I went June 4th 2024 to um yeah he was out doing his runs um I decided to stay home I packed my shit in like a little carry-on that's all I had because all my shit was in storage um and went to my friend's house and um because CryHelp couldn't get me in for a few days um and then just went to detox yeah went out with a bang you know like stole my friend's Xanax prescription took half the bottle on the way there don't remember anything from my intake just and and when I got to detox like I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror like I was like how the fuck did this happen you know dude the mirror thing's real dude I I I came from like a good family how did this happen? Who's your counselor here?

SPEAKER_00 30:49

Um Yasenia So Lee I I the mirror thing is really interesting because the mirror thing uh yeah I mean I spent years avoiding the mirror I I could tell you what every sink looked like from like the faucet down right I wouldn't look at myself and a lot of the work I did here with Leah was um shout out to Leah was uh dude she'd fucking make me write these stupid post-it notes dude and I actually there's still some in Jesse's office I think from it's post-it notes with like affirmations on it right in your office I kind of love that yeah but it's not what when you don't look in the mirror having someone be like oh you're gonna write five post-it notes and you're gonna fucking then you're gonna say them in the mirror to yourself and and it it not only does it feel utterly stupid it is unbearingly painful it's horrendous it's I remember how painful it was to read those things but I think it's uh it it was integral to start looking in the mirror. I don't I actually think really the sobriety started when I started looking in the mirror. Yeah you gotta face like you like I like I knew I was like I really well I was a piece of shit. I also believe I was a piece of shit. Yeah and so there was a there was a comforting factor of like facing the piece of shit instead of ignoring it. What I couldn't do is I wouldn't look in the mirror because I was like I wasn't afraid of what I might see. I knew exactly who I was gonna see I was gonna see someone that was gonna fucking rob you, cheat you tell you what you wanted to fucking hear and that guy was going to hate himself even worse the next day and the whole looking in the mirror thing was actually really one of the pivotal parts of like getting sober wasn't about like not the drugs getting sober was about fucking liking myself yeah absolutely like actually being like oh you know what I am alright right and by the way that shit does not fucking happen quickly. No those post-it notes were on my fucking mirror for maybe uh eight months like it was a process yeah it was a process and then she'd make me switch to them out I would upgrade you right but the but I you know we I don't think we ever talked about it on the podcast but like the whole looking at yourself in the mirror thing is really important. Absolutely right yeah that's crazy but let's get into the fun stuff because you also as I mentioned that you had a slip I did you want to talk about that you don't have to talk about don't mention the names but just just just just like I want I want to know I w I want to know about those feelings. So you got high in treatment right I did that happens I did I did you get caught straight away no right does happen.

SPEAKER_03 33:30

Um I so I came here f from cry help yeah um this place is oh god night and day substantially better I I came in I was so grateful to be here um and that lasted a good week and then I'm like fuck I'm stuck with my shitty self yeah uh befriended a girl I didn't really know anyone here yeah I remember who was like hey you want to get high I was like sure why not and yeah we were smoking math in the bathroom up there and drinking.

SPEAKER_00 34:07

Yeah well can I tell you why I think it's really important to talk about this and maybe other people might not think it's important but I think it is really important because I think about how we can use these negative experiences to help other people and I think you are in a uniquely positioned position um out of other people because you work at night in a treatment center um and you've also gotten high in a treatment center. So you have a very unique perspective of what to look for. Absolutely right yeah I think that's hugely valuable. It's almost like when you're interviewing for a job I wish you could put that shit on the fucking goals, skills and accomplishments and awards section of your resume. But I think that's really important. Absolutely because getting high in a treatment center sounds fucking horrendous right um difficult doesn't sound easy and I don't think a lot of people even really know what to look for and I think that your ability to kind of know oh something's kind of off with this person I think it gives you a really unique position. Because the other reality is whether it's here or someone else people do get high in treatment centres. Yeah or they get high when they go out right that's probably people get high more when they go out on like a pass or something but um and I think as well when you live and work in a treatment centre or you spend a lot of time in a treatment centre I think those personal experiences of what you've been through are super important because as you know and I have worked in a treatment centre too it's um it's chaotic a lot of the time and you might miss something you've got less of a chance of missing it if you've done it yourself.

SPEAKER_03 35:46

This is true.

SPEAKER_00 35:47

I really believe that and it's and and so what but you obviously wanted to get sober and that's what the great thing about here is and um I want to be careful about how I word this um because and this is I think what sets this place apart from other places is and by no means this isn't this is not an advertisement for saying that what you did's okay because it's not right but it really is about like how big your spiritual bank account is and really I think it's about how much you want it and how much you want to change right because there's a people are going to fuck up especially people like you and me who have gotten high for a very long time you cannot expect people to change immediately. You just can't and also I would actually say those are the people I'm most suspicious of right is it it it takes it's not the act of not taking drugs it's the act of like a complete character reversal. Right? And those things take fucking time and by the way they take different lengths of time for different people there is no set timeline. Um and so you but the point is that you stayed right and you could have left you know and you still I mean I just the idea of getting high in a treatment centre sounds fucking horrendous to me. But the fact you wanted to stay is a testament to how bad you wanted this. I mean like where do you go after getting high in a treatment center? Exactly like what's the next step? Like there isn't one like that's a real fucking bomb. Mm-hmm being so desperate that you have to get high in a place that you really really really shouldn't and what a way to feel like shit too.

SPEAKER_03 37:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:32

Right?

SPEAKER_03 37:33

Sneaking around using other people's urine it was just horrible yeah yeah always like having to be on alert and just like feeling like you're hiding something never knowing when they're gonna UA you and you don't have the P on you like yeah it was bad.

SPEAKER_00 37:53

Yeah and you still stayed through that I did you know um and I think that's one of the great places that the that's magical about this place is that um at least for my experience here and I should say it's my experience it's not um it it's it's I I found that the people here in particular really met me where I was at wherever I was if it was in a bad place or a good place they met me where I was at and I think that's a testament to you is that you um because I can tell you straight up I'm the type of guy that if I got high in a treatment centre there's no way I'm staying Are you kidding me? No fucking way um whether they let me stay or not I just I just the shame like I can't fucking dude oh god I just think it's amazing dude and I think you have something you need to offer to people um you you've also had a which we don't need to go into but you've also had a some the the guy that you were with you're not with him anymore and he's having a tough time right now and you've had to really learn how to uh create boundaries and put yourself first do you want to talk about that in a way that doesn't make that public? You want to talk about boundaries you can do it.

SPEAKER_03 39:24

Yeah um so what should I say you were with a guy who got involved in something he is in custody but you have to learn my ex is was indicted by the FBI um and he's facing a long time a long time. Right um I was so upset I remember it took me a year to even talk to him or anything because I I was so mad he just kept making excuses he had private insurance he could go anywhere he wanted but it was always someone's gonna pay the bills or the storage unit or look after the dogs like w just excuses. Yeah I'm gonna go I promise just and yeah everything caught up with him.

SPEAKER_00 40:24

Yeah um how did you what I want to get to is this is again I'm not a therapist and I'm not therapizing you by any means but I would say that you have a pretty good history of being codependent just about what we've heard now. Absolutely right which is totally normal. Um how have you had to create boundaries for yourself for putting yourself first? That's what I want to hear. Because people come in and they get sober and they deal with this life. I mean you're dealing with life shit right life is going to go on whether it's for you or someone else but how did you decide to put yourself go? Because like you could have chosen to um be sucked in by that but you consciously chose not to and I watched you make that conscious decision that you weren't going to allow this to de take you off track anymore.

SPEAKER_03 41:16

What was the defining factor in that um I hadn't put myself first in a long time. It was always like catering to him and his needs and that literally got me nowhere. Um and I would get sober he would still be using um and I just knew if I went back to him like I'd done it so many times and we had broken up when I went to detox. So it's not like we were like officially together.

SPEAKER_00 41:46

But it was really hard for you to I was there with you and it was very hard for you to sever that cord. That was not an easy cord for you to sever.

SPEAKER_03 41:54

Yeah it's still a work in progress. Right. Like I have a lot more like sympathy for him these days but at the end of the day it was his choice.

SPEAKER_00 42:05

Yeah but you I think the the point is is that you really have to put the fucking we hear that all the time but you gotta put the oxygen mask on first.

SPEAKER_01 42:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:12

Right? And you gotta make really painful decisions that are uncomfortable in order to survive. And I think and I don't think that your story's unique either. I think everybody has their own version of that I just think it was a pivotal point where you were actually and this is just being your friend and watching you from afar but when you were dealing with that that to me just being someone that watched you was where the change really started to happen. Yeah. It was like I'm gonna make I am going to make a very difficult choice one that I'm not sure is is you knew it was the right one but not sure that it was going to help you or harm you and you stuck to it really well right um and I think that's where the change of becoming this psychic change or this spiritual awakening that we hear about that you have to have a real personality shift and I just think witnessing on that for you was really when it was like oh okay this is actually this actually might work out. I'm really cynical right I really I am not amazed I'm not like we had a friend that relapsed right I am not um I am not surprised when people relapse right I'm just not I am absolutely astounded when they stay when they when they stay sober. Yeah it's just true right and you have a you're good at calling it too you're like oh he's gonna relapse and and by the way that's not because I have a magical gift or I'm a piece of shit or I'm talking about people that is because I have done it so many times people forget that when they've known me in this sober stint I have been trying to do this for 14 years. And by the way trying and I really mean that trying wanting it doing what I thought was the right thing like um and so I see it and I don't say it to gossip I see it because I see when the fucking people start taking their will back and they just and it and it happened by The way it happens the same way they stop showing up to the meetings, they start not doing their commitments, you know, they start isolating a little bit, they start making like I have to live my life in consultation constantly because like you and when you start not running, this is why I run a lot of my life decisions past you or just tell you what's going on. I don't I don't do that because it's like I do that because I need consultation with people. And when people stop consultating with their sober group, and it doesn't have to be a sponsor, it can be there. Jesse is always on the end of a phone for me when I'm like, oh, I'm going. If I stop doing those things, I am fucking doomed.

SPEAKER_01 44:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:43

And yeah, I do call it, and I'm good at calling it. Yeah, yeah. And I'm good at calling it, and I w I wish it wasn't a skill. But it is a skill because I've I've been through there and I hope that but also people aren't that receptive to hearing that. No, unfortunately they're not. No, it sucks.

SPEAKER_03 45:00

It does.

SPEAKER_00 45:02

Um I wish people could understand that when you tell your friends that they're fucking up that I don't I would rather be wrong.

SPEAKER_03 45:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:14

Right? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 45:15

That's what makes you a good, honest friend. People need to hear that.

SPEAKER_00 45:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:18

You know? Not someone that's always gonna sugarcoat things and they need a real friend who's gonna keep it real. Who's gonna keep it real?

SPEAKER_00 45:27

So we ask every guest this as we come to the end. What would you tell little Morgan today if you could tell the little you, the pre-drug you, if you could have a convo, what would you say to her?

SPEAKER_03 45:37

Oh shit. You're in for a wild ride.

SPEAKER_00 45:46

Buckle up, motherfucker.

SPEAKER_03 45:48

Yes. Oh, um this is hard such a hard question.

SPEAKER_00 45:55

Oh come on. Be sincere.

SPEAKER_03 46:00

Um Just keep your head up and stop being so hard on yourself. Like I was my own biggest enemy for the longest time. Like the self-sabotaging and um tell her to hold on.

SPEAKER_00 46:22

Maybe tell her to look in the mirror a little bit more.

SPEAKER_03 46:24

Yeah, look in the mirror.

SPEAKER_00 46:26

Alright, thanks for coming today, Morgan.

SPEAKER_03 46:27

Thank you for having me. I love you. I love you too.