What Is It Like to Die?

Nomi’s story begins thousands of miles away from recovery rooms and treatment centers.

Born in India to a Jewish mother and a Hindu guru father, his childhood was marked by contradiction, chaos, abuse, and a constant feeling of not belonging anywhere. Growing up surrounded by religion only pushed him further away from God. By the time he was a kid, he was already searching for ways to escape himself.

And eventually, he found drugs.

What makes Nomi’s story so haunting isn’t just the addiction — it’s how self-aware he was while it was happening. Intelligent, introspective, and deeply restless, Nomi spent years trapped inside a web of lies, isolation, anger, and self-destruction, always trying to outrun something inside himself he couldn’t explain.

Then came the overdose.

In one of the most chilling moments ever shared on Sicker Than Others, Nomi describes dying after a fentanyl overdose — watching himself from outside his body, drowning beneath icy water while paramedics fought to bring him back to life. It’s raw, terrifying, and impossible to forget.

But this episode isn’t just about death.

It’s about what happens after someone survives it.

In this deeply honest conversation, Seb and Nomi unpack addiction, identity, spirituality, self-hatred, intelligence, trauma, and the strange gift of getting a second chance after you were never supposed to wake up.

This is a story about someone who spent his whole life trying to escape himself…
 and what happened when he finally stopped running.

Produced by Jesse Solomon.

Resources

Beit T’Shuvah – Recovery, community, and treatment
https://www.beittshuvah.org

Support Beit T’Shuvah
https://beittshuvah.org/support/donate/

Alcoholics Anonymous
https://www.aa.org

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
https://slaafws.org/newcomers/

Credits

Host: Seb Webber
Executive Producer: Jesse Solomon
Intro Theme: Jesse Solomon

Recorded live at Beit T’Shuvah
8831 Venice Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90034

Production inquiries:
seb@magick-arts.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Sticker Than Others is a podcast on the ups and downs of recovery. This podcast does not reflect the views or opinions of Betheshuva or any of its subsidiary businesses or partners. Sticker Than Others need to speaks for LI or recovery as a whole, but you'll find some useful links below if you want to find out more. Sticker Than Others touches on subjects and situations that some listeners may find offensive or if you're lucky, triggering. You have been warned. What is it like to die?

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Um, you know, I I I always had this sort of like nonchalance towards death, but it's fucking terrifying. Um my experience was terrifying. I I went from I think after taking that that you know that that hit the only thing I can remember is thinking to myself for a split second this tastes weird. And then um I was like drowning in this icy water, and um I could see myself from from like below on a Gurney inside an ambulance.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

That's wild.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

And and when they shocked me, I like flew back into my body and um I was like shaking a whole lot, and they kept on telling me to um to like hold on, hold on, and like what's your name? And obviously they were telling me to like hold on to life, but I in my head I was like I'm holding on from not sinking back down into this water. Um that's heavy. And I was I was holding on to the sides of the gurney so hard that my nails, even after I woke up 12 days later, were were all covered in blood underneath them because I had like dug into them so hard that I ruined them. Um yeah, it was it was um terrifying. I thought maybe it'd be nice, or or maybe you know, it'd be um and maybe it would be nice if I didn't overdose on fentanyl.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

My guest today is Nomi. Nomi, welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

Dude, I'm excited to fucking have you here. I'm a big fan. Actually, when I first met you, I wasn't a big fan. I was like, this guy's way too intelligent. And I will, you know, when you come to rehab, you're always trying to like hold on to the shit you have, right? And I'm like, I'm I'm a smart guy. And then I met you, and I was like, oh fuck, this guy's a really smart guy. And then I I think we bonded because we did trivia once and we were we both did really well in the trivia.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, it was really a lot of fun. I think I won by one point, but I think basically everyone that I know here hated me at first. This program did a lot for me. You were Zach's roommate as well, dude.

SPEAKER_03 2:27

Zach, dude. I fucking miss that guy, dude. He's a great dude. Anyway, our get down here is real simple. I just want to know your story, man. I think it's I think you have a really interesting um and dark story, dude. And you're doing so well as well now. I just like want to congratulate you on that. I think that's really important. Um, and I like seeing my friends do fucking well. Like, I don't get sober to have a fucking normal life. I don't want to be normal. Like, I'm not putting all this, I'm not doing all this fucking spiritual shit and calling my sponsor and fucking taking inventory and doing all this shit to like be normal. And you are one of the few people that I think gets that too. It's like we have this springboard, this fucking opportunity to fucking do great shit, and you're doing great shit, and I really think that's cool. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. So tell us, How did you how did you fucking end up a drug addict?

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Uh yeah, I I um I don't know. I think I always I've always felt like I was born a drug addict, you know, more than anything. Um, you know, I I think it it kind of started off really early, but uh I've been like annoyed and pissed off and angry since I was a kid. Um basically, yeah. I was born, I was born in India, I was born like opposite side of the planet. My mom was Jewish, my dad's you know a Hindu, um, like uh like he's like a guru, like a Hindu guru. Yeah. So um I spent my entire childhood being pulled into each religion. Kind of said, fuck God from like you know, age four or whatever. Um, but but yeah, I mean, I I don't know. I I remember um like like early as hell, just like trying to find anything to escape myself and to to get out of me um and and kind of hating myself and not really fitting in and you know not not having any real friends. Yeah. Um yeah, I you know, and and that kind of just that kind of kicked off, I think, the theme for most of my life. Um I I I realized when I was like three that I could lie about stuff um and I didn't have to tell the truth to my parents. And I think that ever since then it just kind of became like a web of lies. And yeah, I I think I uh I lost touch with who I was. But um, you you know, growing up there, uh it's very different from here. Um grew up in like this like little house on the beach. Um, we had like monkeys jumping on our roof in the monsoon season, tiles breaking, termites in our walls.

SPEAKER_03 4:34

So you're like slum dog millionaire in India. Absolutely. Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

But it was it was it was a lot of fun. I mean, you you know, there was like uh some crazy shit going on, and and it's pretty unstructured. And uh, you know, my my dad was a bit abusive and and I had a lot of abuse going on in the you know in the family and stuff like that. But um, but uh, you know, not with my mom, but primarily with my dad, and and you know, um, but I I just I don't know, I I feel like ever since I moved to America, I moved when I was 12. Um it's a difficult age as well.

SPEAKER_03 5:04

It it is, yeah. Because you've like got your foundation of like who you are already, and then boom, you're like yeah, yeah, launched into here, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

And I got put into like a like a rich Jewish school, private school, yeah, and I came straight from India. I like I had this thick, thick, this thick Indian accent. I would talk like this all the time, and um yeah, I got fucking, I got bullied, I got bullied everybody. Dude, I would have bullied you, dude. Yeah, um I lost my fucking dude, I get it. I lost my fucking accent so quickly.

SPEAKER_03 5:33

Dude, crazy. And was there any other Indian kids in your school? No, no, not a single one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

It was nothing but white Jewish kids. Oh my god, it's so good.

SPEAKER_03 5:41

Um yeah, that's tough, dude. That sucks.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

That alone sucks, dude. Yeah, yeah, it was a lot. Um so yeah, so I went from from this like rich Jewish school in the valley living with living with my grandparents to um moving in with my mom and her and her um and my stepdad, um, or was my stepdad at the time um in Westwood. And I went to um to Emerson Middle School there. Um and that one's like, you know, is went from like a rich Jewish school to like a public school. Um and that was also a crazy transition. I went from being around, you know, nothing but um rich white people to um being around like every race and having a lot of like shenanigans and stuff like that. And I I think I fit in almost immediately with with like the other kids that also seemed a little odd. Um yeah, I started acting up a whole lot. You know, I I I I would um probably not, yeah. I was just I was just not not the not the best behaved kid. Um, you know, I I uh stopped really caring about school a whole lot and I plagiarized a whole lot of stuff and I cheated nonstop and I didn't really pay attention to any of my work. Um and I started hanging out with kids that I felt like were cool at the time.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

Um and that included, you know, smoking weed for my first time when I was uh when I when I was like 13 years old. Um I remember, you know, the first time I ever um smoked, it was uh I didn't feel anything. I think I just I didn't inhale properly. Um but then we did it again right after school. And um, you know, my my dad at the my stepdad at the time was was he had cancer, he was going through um through you know cancer and basically was at the end of his life. And um my mom didn't couldn't really pay much attention to me. I was bipolar and didn't really know about it. And uh, you know, I just I was really, really, really depressed. I had so much stress on my shoulders, no one to really talk to. And uh, you know, I I smoked weed the first time, and uh like it was like for the first time in my entire life, like all the stress just lifted off me. And um I felt like holy shit, like here's a solution to my problems. Oh yeah. Like, like this is just you know, this is everything. I'm like floating now. Like I don't I don't have all this weight to carry anymore.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

Um and yeah, I just took off from there. Um I think you know, over the next few years, it's it's all pretty much a blur. Um I I went kind of crazy. I did, you know, a whole lot of stuff. I'd party all the time. I'd leave school. They had to call the cops, and and my my mom would call me to you know let me know the cops contacted her and I should come home. Um, we got into fights nonstop. I was, you know, all over the place, and um I stole tons of money from from my family, from my mom, from my uncle, from from from his guests, you know, anything to keep up.

SPEAKER_03 8:09

His guests?

SPEAKER_01 8:10

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I went over to um to my uncle's house for Shabbat. Um, because he he he's a rabbi. So I I went over to his house. He's a he's a rabbi, he always has a bunch of guests over for Shabbat. So I went over, you know, high as high as hell, and I snuck away from the dinner table, went upstairs and went through um one of his guests' uh um suitcases and found uh actually I distinctly remember finding $980 and being like, damn, why wasn't there a thousand? And the reason I got caught was because I left a 20 on the side of the suitcase, and they were like, oh, here's a 20 right here, and they uh, you know, figured it was probably me. Um but yeah, that was that was my life for for quite a while. I think it eventually came to close from that incident. Um, he he basically cornered me and uh they they like made me confess that I stole and that I was doing a bunch of drugs and what drugs were you doing off the rails. Um I was I was mostly smoking a ton of weed, but I did Xanax a couple times. Um I was drinking. Uh I I just you know, I this is like when I was 15 years old.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

And um, yeah, so I actually got I got sent to treatment for the first time when I was 15 and a half. Um I went voluntarily, it's called Casa Pacifica. At 15, you didn't go anywhere voluntarily, didn't you? This is the really good deal. Like, all right, yeah, yeah, yeah. You went. Yeah, your parents said you're not. Yeah, yeah, they did, yeah. Yeah. Um I was I was open to the idea. I wanted some sort of way out, you know. Um, you know, honestly, I went to the treatment center and um and they didn't really talk about the drug problem a whole lot or like addiction. They were just kind of like, you know, you know, like you're um my my stepdad had passed away at that point, and like they were just kind of like, you know, like you're just experiencing some mental health problems troubled kid who's just lost his fucking stepdad. Right, exactly, right? Yeah, yeah. And they put me on a bunch of meds, they put me on 300 milligrams of cerequil. And I remember the first night I ever took it, I I um I was like in like this the this like living room area with all the different kids, and then I I like woke up in my bed and they were like, I was like, what the fuck happened? They're like, you you like fell on the floor and we had to carry you to your room.

SPEAKER_03 10:08

We were talking about this last night. It was like it was it was like my first time I went to treatment, 2015, and and the shrink put me on all these antidepressants. They're like, You're depressed. I'm like, no fucking shit, I'm depressed. I'm in rehab, I've lost my job, I don't want to be here, I'm in Palm Springs, it's 119 degrees, and you're like, oh, here's some meds. Yeah. I mean, yeah, no shit, you were going through a lot. Yeah, you're fucking like, yeah, you probably I don't I'm not a doctor, but surely the right reaction is to be depressed. Yeah, absolutely. Right. Isn't that like the fucking isn't that like just what happened? Yeah. But yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

Um how long was that treatment? Um, I think I was there, I think I don't know, like four or five months. Okay, so you were out of school. So what happened to school? Out of school. Um they did like like semi-classes there kind of, but it didn't really get me anywhere. So when I got out, I got put into um I got put into this like uh this school called Westview, which is like for uh it's for people that have mental challenges and stuff like that. So for me, it was like there's three different schools connected, but the one that I was in was for people that have like mood disorders and stuff like that. Um so that was that was honestly it was a it was kind of crazy, but like everyone there had a drug problem and was kind of crazy as well. Yeah. Um and it was really entertaining because every single day um some sort of fight broke out, or someone you know jumped on the roof and tried to, you know, run off the side of it or uh pulled the fire alarm or you know, shat in the urinal. Yeah. Um so that was a teacher. Absolutely, yeah. There was actually there was uh one teacher was his first day on the job, and someone took a drumstick and when he bent over, like like it tore his pants, and he he he he threw it, he threw a chair across the class, left and never came back in the school, got sued like fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Um yeah, our principal actually ended up um embezzling a bunch of money, getting caught, and moving to South Africa with with all the money. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:54

It's crazy school. Did he get caught if he moved to five being cool? He just got found out.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Yeah. But I mean I mean, honestly, it was it was during that time when I think I think I really found like um my love for like stimulants. Um I got prescribed Adderall because of my you know ADHD or whatever. And um, you know, I just I just started I I think within like the first month I was taking like double or triple my dose. And um then I started buying it from this from this um from this fifth grader that was in the other school over. He had some and I would buy it from him, um, Dexadrin. And I would fifth grade. Yeah. Well he was in fifth grade, yeah, yeah. But I mean, dude, everyone there was medicated like crazy.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

They they have this um they have this thing now, it's called adzenies, and it's a it's a it's an orange chewable gummy. Yeah, and it's it's amphetamines for people ages zero to three.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

Yeah, they medicate kids way too easy in this country. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. So you were buying Adderall?

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Yeah, buying tons of Adderall, I would basically go home every single night and snort it all and play video games. Um, so you were really abusing it. Yeah, yeah, really abusing it. Um, and and I um I play video games all night long, pretend like I was sleeping, and then uh in the morning I would go to school with like no sleep all night, and then sleep through periods one, two, and three. Um, and then finally kind of you know wake up at the end of the day and uh go home. I was failing out of all my classes. They let me test out of all of them eventually. But um, yeah, I mean my life was just you know kind of a mess and I didn't really know what to do. Um and you know, this led up all the way until you know I managed to graduate, um, which was nice. Um, but I eventually, you know, I moved out of uh the house when I was 19. I moved away um and got to go live with live live my own in Redonna Beach. And um I think that's really where where it started to kick off, you know, a lot more. I I just I stopped being able to afford all the Adderall. And um I was already like experimenting with other stuff, psychedelics here and there. I was doing other research chemicals here and there. Um and I I figured, you know, like like math isn't that far off, to be fully honest. Um, and and you know, uh my neighbor's uncle was a drug dealer and had a bunch, and and I just started right there. And um yeah, I mean, you know, some of the uh some of the craziest and most dark time of my life was uh just basically just sitting in my room and uh like like doing meth all day and playing video games and masturbating nonstop. Like that, that was just like my entire life. And uh, you know, I closed all the fucking windows, I wouldn't talk to my parents, yeah. My mom, you know, I didn't really go outside a whole lot. Um I started doing a lot of fraud. Um I was running like this video game exploit company with with a couple friends, and we started to um install like I don't want to incriminate myself, but like we start we start to like you know install malware on people's computers and and steal money from them, and um it just it got you know really crazy. Um and I felt like shit about it, but I just I I couldn't stop using.

SPEAKER_03 14:54

Yeah. Um and methyl make you do some really dark shit.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 14:58

Yeah, I might be super paranoid too. I remember this one thing some this this escort once said to me and it never it never left me. She said, just because just because you're paranoid, just just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

That's good.

SPEAKER_03 15:17

That's really good. Yeah, it was crazy. Uh so you were doing a lot of fraud. Yeah, that's that's tricky. You never got caught for any of that.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

No, I I I you know I I never got like in any serious trouble for any of that. I got um a notice from Royal Bank of Canada for some credit card fraud. Um, but beyond that, not a ton. Um we eventually ended up shutting that down and uh I I got into like a real job. I moved it to IT. I started working for this company in Van Nuys. Um and you know, I at that point, you know, uh meth was less something to like party with and like just like do for fun, and was more something I needed to do every single day. Uh I couldn't, you know, if I stopped taking it, I'd fall asleep for three days at a time. Yeah, I remember that. Um so I I started the schedule of like being up Monday through Friday, literally nonstop, not not not sleeping at all. And then I'd go to sleep on Friday night and wake up on Monday morning and just repeat the cycle. Um I I did that for a while until uh when one weekend I ended up partying and uh I didn't sleep for seven days, and then on Monday uh I was getting on the freeway and there were like feds after me on the freeway, and there was like scanners and shit, and I thought there were like helicopters above. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Um I was I was hiding in different parking lots and like uh in the in-and-out parking lot, getting on the freeway, getting off the freeway. I finally made it to work. Um and I ran to the server room to to go do more meth because uh because you know I I uh I I I was gonna fall asleep. And I did fall asleep, and uh they found me like hours later and and they they put me on like a performance improvement plan and eventually fired me. Um and yeah, that's that's really where Did they know it was meth? I don't think they knew it was meth. They knew that I was doing drugs for sure. I mean I looked like shit. I'll show you a picture afterwards.

SPEAKER_03 16:51

Yeah, I remember doing that. It was funny you said that, but that that whole staying up for five days, sleeping for two, and how good was that first hit of meth on Monday morning after you've recovered your body? Like that whole chasing the dragon, it was it would be I would love to I wouldn't drink alcohol either to come down. Like, you know how like a lot of meth users will drink alcohol to come down? I wanted to fucking feel the crash, dude. And that whole going hard for five days, sleeping for two, knowing that on Monday morning that first bong rip of meth was gonna it just fucking ignited the monster. Yeah, it was yeah, dude. I'm getting excited just thinking about holy shit. But it was like it was that it was but that it's the cycle of it is fucking crazy. It is, it's crazy, it is, and like we must have liked it or we wouldn't have kept fucking doing it for so long. Yeah, yeah, it was crazy.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

Honestly, I I think that like the come down was a bit therapeutic for me. Yeah, you know, it was like a hundred percent. I like wouldn't feel anything for the for the entire week, and then I'd stop and I'd feel all my feelings all at once and just sit in my room and basically cry and go to bed. Dude, I like jerk off and cry.

SPEAKER_03 17:55

Yeah, been there, been there. Uh I would have a spreadsheet of lies that I had told that week that I'd have to keep up with, and then I would read it when I was coming down, knowing that like I'm like when you're coming down off meth, right? And you've no you've spent a week telling lies to people, like I had to track it. I built like this very complex Google Sheets tracker of like told my baby mama this, told my mum this, told my boss this, like this lie leads to this lie leads to this lie. And I would read it when I was coming down, and I would be like, holy shit, this is fucking crazy. Yeah, that the meth come downs are so brutal, dude. They're like the worst feelings in the world. And we did it again Monday morning, doing it again.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Yeah, that's what's fucking crazy about this shit. Well, I mean, you I knew it was bad when I like there were days where I wanted to stop. There were days where like I was like, I'm tired of this, I want to stop. And I just couldn't.

SPEAKER_03 18:52

Dude, I I say this all the fucking time. It it really bothers me with this. Is why I have so much compassion for fucking relapses. Like, I really do. I I wanted to stop so many times. Like I genuinely, like, hand on my heart, wanted to fucking stop. Like I wanted it in my bones to stop. Like, really wanted it. And I just couldn't fucking do it. I just could not do it. And so the idea that you have a decision, I I my personal thing on recovery is I don't think you have a decision for when it's over. I think it's fucking over. You know, it's like, you know, when you have sex with a gorilla, you want to know when it's over? When the fucking gorilla says it's over, right? Same deal with this shit. I just feel it's like you can be in recovery and you can surround yourself with sober people, you can go to meetings and you can do that, but until the fucking beast is done with you, I've wanted it so much, dude.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:53

Lawyers, jails, rehabs, fucking whatever. Like there has been so many times where the consequences are being so outweighing everything. And I want it, like, I want it in my heart to stop. Like I fucking want it, and I just can't fucking do it. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. I really think it's, and I'm not the world's most spiritual person either. Like, I obviously I believe in God and stuff, but I think that's that that's for me is where the real the program really works. Is is that I I have to believe that something ended my suffering because I can tell you it wasn't fucking my decision. Yeah, evidence shows me it was not my decision making. Yeah. At all. Absolutely. I had nothing to do with it. I just had some grace, dude. I had some fucking great, a period of grace, and something happened slowly. Not and I had no white light experience. My shit wasn't like, oh, I've arrived at made sure. I'm gonna be okay. Like, no fucking way. I felt when I fucking got into treatment, I felt the same piece of shit I'd felt the last fucking 10 times I've fucking done this. I didn't feel any different. I felt no more resolve, I felt no more, this is gonna be it. This is I'm I'm gonna be different this time. I really was like, fuck no, dude. Just something happened, dude. Grace over time was the only thing that did for me. Yeah. Fuck. It's crazy. So you came to treatment and then you got high again, right?

SPEAKER_01 21:09

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I eventually made it to Beit Shuva. Um, and you know, I I just I don't think I was ready yet. Um I I kind of I came here because I needed to, but there was other stuff going on. I had um I stole a bunch of money from one of my best friends' neighbors, and he found out and I was in the middle of a lawsuit there, and it was just like other stuff, and I didn't really know where to live, and I didn't have any more money anymore, and I just it was kind of like I I should go to treatment. But I I got here and I just I don't know, I I held on to all the arrogance and ego. Um, and I I just like you know, I still lied a whole lot and I just I wasn't ready. Um so after 10 months of being here, yeah, I I left and um I moved out of Torrance and um some coffee? No, no, oh good. Um I m I moved out of Torrance and um Lovely. Yeah, on on During my move, I was moving a mattress into the house and I sneezed and and um I I sneezed and I heard something crack and I like didn't really know what was going on, but it hurt really bad. Um so I stopped and I eventually went to a uh um a chiropractor the next day and he he looked at me and he was like, I'm not gonna touch you, you need to go get some MRIs done and you know get get get an x-ray done. And uh when they did that, they found like tumors all over my like inside the bones in my chest and my sternum and my spine. Um and uh doctors were like initially like pretty sure that I was uh they're pretty sure I had cancer. Um and I was getting tested for that. And you know, I didn't I had a sponsor, I was but I I didn't really work a program. I'd worked some steps, but I'd bullshitted all of them and like done like all the step work the night before. I didn't have a commitment to a meeting, um, and I didn't know when to call. I I, you know, and when all that happened, I just the phone was way too heavy, and I started, you know, they put me on muscle relaxers and I started taking those non-stop. And GABA was trying to like stack the GABA and like take like one here, and then another 30 minutes, take another one, and another hour take another one, and like stack it all so I could get it, you know. And and I I was fooling myself thinking that I wasn't already relapsed at that point, but you know, um eventually um actually I came to Bait Shuva after I was pretty sure I had cancer and um I was hanging out here and I was like on the phone with someone on FaceTime and somebody yelled at me for like recording them and uh I got really upset and I yelled at them and they kicked me out of Bait Shuva. They're like, Hey man, you can't be here right now, it's after visiting hours. Um and I was like, all right, like fuck it. I'm gonna go like uh I'm gonna go party downtown LA. So I went to a to like a mini rave and um I got inside and I decided to have a drink. And um, I thought to myself, you know, it's just a drink, and you know, I, you know, it's it's not a drug, and I, you know, I'm that's I'm I'm I'm a meth addict, I'm not an alcoholic. Um I that same night I like did a bunch of ketamine, smoked crack, drove a bunch of people to their house, I crashed my car. Um and yeah, and I spent the entire night at this at this dude's house um upstairs uh smoking crack and um you know realizing that I was fucked. And the next day I I uh I I called my best friend and I was like, hey, you know, I fucked up. I I you know I I smoke crack and I'm downtown. Can you please come pick me up because my car is wrecked? Um and and he came and got me and and we um we then smoked crack together for for the next uh you know half a day. I went to his house, I crashed on his couch and slept for a while. And then the next day I told my sponsor and he basically just said, you know, like I knew this was you know because he's like, I'm not surprised, you know, you don't call me, you're not working the program, but whenever you're ready, just just let me know and I'll you know I'll step in. Um I I I I I told my mom um that I had just drink alcohol. I didn't tell her that I um used crack yet. And I went up there, I I I didn't use for another three days and I came back down to go get my car and get it repaired. And I went back right I went went right back to the house and I, you know, smoked a bunch more crack. And I spent the next I spent the next two weeks basically hanging out with random people um and smoking a bunch of crack and telling myself that it's fine because it's not meth and crack's not my drug. Um and um and uh yeah, you know, um I ended up in some fucking motel room in Alhambra, which is where I that's that's you know, that's my MO. I end up in some hotel room and uh just doing, you know, I was doing, you know, just smoking crack all day and cooking crack all day and like only going out at night and the fucking, you know, the the owner of the fucking uh the owner of the of the spa is walking out and looking at me, his fucking hands behind his back, he's like, What are you doing over there? Like I'm fucking walking out of the of the motel room and every fucking morning he comes to the room and he's like, Hey, you need to leave, you need to leave. And I'm fucking passing money underneath the door so he'd go away.

SPEAKER_00 25:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

Um, and that was my life for for for two miserable weeks. Um I just I couldn't stop. And I would do more and more and more and I couldn't stop. And you know, eventually after two weeks um of like hating it and wanting to stop and wanting nothing more to go back to the good way of life that I knew I could go back to. Um I I uh picked up what I thought was crack, but was actually a crumb of um like fentanyl. I was not an opiate user. Um and I smoked it through my street shooter with a blowtorch, um, about a gram and a half, like all in one hit. And um died. Yeah, I died. Yeah. I I died. Yeah. I I um the guy I was using with uh was out getting ice and he came back and found me on the floor. Um I I had like I had like nasal nasal hemorrhaging, so I lost about um like a liter and a half of blood. Um and he was the he was the only you know, only crackhead I think I know or whatever meet. I met him like 11 days prior.

SPEAKER_03 26:23

Um he that's that's 20 years in crack in crack terms. So we've done everything about each other. That's I yeah, that's that's a long lifelong friendship in crack in crack ears.

SPEAKER_01 26:34

Yeah, for sure. Um so I I um yeah, he he's the only crackhead I knew that didn't you know grab all my shit and run. He he um that's great he he sat down and gave me CPR. He gave me crackhead CPR for seven minutes. Seven minutes CPR crackhead CPR, dude. He he called 911, he waited them for he waited for them to get there, and they gave me another um another 27 minutes of CPR. Um and yeah, I was I was out for 34 minutes, heart stopped. Um they gave me four shots in Arcan. Shots, not yeah, uh this and Anashot. An a shot, yeah. Um and um I I remember waking up in the um in the emergency room, like covered in blood, trying to like rip my shirt off and like freaking out and being unable to breathe because my chest, you know, I had fractures on my chest, and I was just like um and like begging for someone to to like knock me out because I just couldn't do anything. And and then um then I was in a coma for for the next 12 days. Um I spent the next 12 days with tubes down my throat and in a coma. And uh for the first three days my mom didn't know where I was. Um she called my friends and uh you know eventually one of my friends told her that I was somewhere in Alhambra after days of not being able to find me, and they she called uh, you know, different different hospitals and stuff like that. And she eventually checked our ATT bill that I was still on and um found found a phone call to 911 on there and was able to track me down and uh yeah, found me in the hospital. And and that that that that guy, um, Will, I don't even know where he is anymore. You know, I had to cut off that that connection, but he he stayed with me um every day for three days in the hospital room. Um came to visit me every single day. And when he when my mom got there, he gave me, he gave my mom all of my stuff and uh you know explained what happened and left. Um but yeah, you know, I over the over the course of those 12 days, you know, a lot of people from the program from Bechuva um you know found out and came to visit me. And Sarah came to visit you, right? Yeah, Sarah came. Sarah came to visit me. Um my girlfriend now, Erica, came to visit me. Um you know, I I um and I I woke up after 12 days. I still had tubes down my throat for the for for 23 days total. I was on life support. Um, but uh during that time, you know, I thought these people were coming to visit me in in the first 12 days when I heard about it um to you know, you know, say hi and get better. But what I found out after I got out was that everyone was coming to say goodbye. Yeah, um yeah, the doctors um the the doctors all told my mom that I was dead and uh said I was brain dead, and if I wasn't brain dead, there's no way I could, you know, live without oxygen again. And there was basically no hope. Um but yeah, I mean here I am, I can and um you know I feel amazing. So I I I got out and uh my first call was Vet Shuba.

SPEAKER_03 29:18

That's amazing. Yeah, that'll fucking do it for you.

SPEAKER_01 29:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:24

All right, holy shit. What is it like to die?

SPEAKER_01 29:28

Um you know, I I I always had this sort of like nonchalance towards death, but it's fucking terrifying. Um my experience was terrifying. I I went from I think after taking that that you know that that hit, the only thing I can remember is thinking to myself for a split second, this tastes weird. And then um I was like drowning in this icy water, and um I could see myself from from like below on a Gurnian side of ambulance.

SPEAKER_00 29:58

That's wild.

SPEAKER_01 30:00

And and when they shocked me, I like flew back into my body and um I was like shaking a whole lot, and they kept on telling me to um to to like hold on, hold on, and like what's your name? And obviously they were telling me to like hold on to life, but I in my head I was like I'm holding on from not sinking back down into this water. Um that's heavy. And I was I was holding on to the sides of the gurney so hard that my nails, even after I woke up 12 days later, were were all covered in blood underneath them because I had like dug into them so hard that I ruined them. Um yeah, it was it was um terrifying. I thought maybe it'd be nice, or or maybe you know, it'd be um maybe it would be nice if I didn't overdose on fentanyl.

SPEAKER_03 30:36

We you do you do you have like some medical shit that you would do? Like we do we you normal? I mean, do you like you know I mean like I can't imagine being knocked out and then I see you, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 30:46

Like I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. So I must have been So having a catheter in for a month was was was not great. Um but I think you know mentally, I think actually Oh, in your willy. Yeah, yeah, in my willy, yeah. Oh wow. So that was that was that's not good. That was horrible. Um that was about the worst thing. But um you're awake when they pull it out, yeah. Holy shit, that's fucking gnarly. That's crazy. Yeah, that must have been crazy. That was that was insane. And um, I I I was in a coma for so long, you know. I it's crazy during my coma, I'll tell you another time. But um I when I woke up, I was in psychosis um for most of it because I was coming off of all these different drugs they had me on. They had me on fentanyl and propofol and all this other stuff. I was coming off all that, I was in psychosis and kind of crazy. So they put me on a bunch of other medications again to get me to chill out. But um, you know, I I um I punched a nurse. That's one of the first things I did after waking up, is I broke out of my restraints and I punched a nurse that tried to come and restrain me. Um so I feel I feel pretty bad about that. You fucking made an amends for that yet?

SPEAKER_03 31:41

No, I have not. I don't know. I don't know what his name is. It doesn't matter, dude. Go to the fucking you got you know what date you were there. You probably know what date it happened. You need to go fucking do that from the morrow.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 31:54

And film it. Yeah. And bring it so we're gonna cut it into the episode. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:58

Um, but but yeah, I mean, I think I think I'm a little brain damaged, a little bit of drain brandage in there. And um I mean, thank God it wasn't worse. Yeah, I mean a little bit. Honestly, I think it's good for me. I'm not, you know, yeah, I'm thinking a little bit less now, um, which is I think it's always a good thing. I think yeah. You can definitely uh overthink this a little bit too much. Yeah, you can't.

SPEAKER_03 32:17

I've seen fucking stupid people get this shit first time and smart people die.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

Yeah, over and over again.

SPEAKER_03 32:22

Over and over again.

SPEAKER_01 32:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:23

It's just the fucking reality.

SPEAKER_01 32:25

But um, but yeah, I you know, I think um, yeah, I'm I'm blessed. I was on oxygen for for um like 45 days after that. Um and actually the night before I came to be suba is the night that I got off oxygen. I still wasn't totally 100% here. Um but you know, I came in because I I couldn't be on oxygen while I didn't.

SPEAKER_03 32:42

That's crazy, and you were medically cleared as well.

SPEAKER_01 32:44

I mean I that's wild. I lied a little bit about you know being being totally okay.

SPEAKER_03 32:48

But you know what? That's honestly though, that says a lot about it, even though I, you know, I'm sure there's f ethical things that aren't good about that, and probably a lot of liability stuff is not good about that. But it shows you that you were like how desperate you wanted to, you know.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

And I I I um I came off the benzos they had me on cold um in like a week. I went from like taking like the max dose to nothing. I just stopped. Um that that was awful. I was like yelling at my mom and like oh yeah. Um but but yeah, I mean, I you know, this time I think I was just I was humble to shit. Um I think dying did that to me. Um maybe that's where I had to go. But um I I for once started to actually listen to people and stop thinking that I was, you know, the end all be all and you everything. And yeah um, I cried and I let people in and I, you know, was honest. Um and I let this community surround me and and I let them love me and let them support me, and I took advice. Um, then yeah, my life's forever changed because of it.