Leading Victory

From Betrayal to Victory: A Journey of Healing with Vicki

• Amanda Workman-Yarnall • Season 1 • Episode 3

Share episode

Episode Summary:
In this episode, betrayal trauma recovery coach Vicki shares her journey of overcoming personal challenges and how she now helps others rebuild trust and hope. We discuss the balance of resilience and vulnerability, and the importance of community support in healing.

Key Takeaways:

  • Vicki’s journey highlights the power of resilience and vulnerability.
  • Self-discovery and trusting oneself are vital for personal growth.
  • Community and professional help are essential for healing after betrayal.

Topics Covered:

  • Vicki’s background as a coach and her Christian faith
  • Shifting from victim to hero mindset
  • The balance of resilience and vulnerability in leadership
  • Overcoming betrayal and focusing on personal growth

Resources Mentioned:

Thanks for tuning in to the Leading Victory podcast! If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe so you never miss out on our inspiring conversations and practical insights.

Want to stay connected and get exclusive content? Sign up for our newsletter at Here. You'll receive bonus tips, early access to special episodes, and updates on upcoming guests.

For daily inspiration and behind-the-scenes glimpses, follow us on Instagram @leadingvictorypodcast or @coach_amanda_nichole. We love hearing from our listeners, so drop us a DM or leave a comment – your feedback helps shape our show!

Remember, every small step counts on your journey to victory. Until next time, keep leading with positivity and purpose!

You're listening to Leading Victory, a podcast where we ask what makes you come alive and infuse you with the inspiration and courage to take action, to live each day, all of your victories, both big and small. I'm your host, Amanda Nicole. Our adventure today takes us down the path of a woman who has looked betrayal in the face, and rather than choosing bitterness, her victory has taken her down the path of healing and opening up to serve others with similar wounds. This incredible woman is a beacon of light, a champion of faith, and hope. I'm so grateful to call Vicki Tiede my friend.

Audio Only - All Participants:

Welcome, Vicki. I am so excited to have you here. Welcome to Leading Victory. You are my first interview and I'm so tickled because we have had such a beautiful long relationship I couldn't think of anybody that I wanted to honor and celebrate And just bring on board to share your wisdom with the community, because you've poured so much into me over these years, and I am so honored that I get to interview you Oh, thank you so much, Amanda. It is such a privilege to be the first, like, I, I don't know if there's some special inaugural podcast interview, but I'm so excited for you and what you have to offer here. So it's a privilege. My friends, Vicki Tiede has been in the coaching realm with me for a super long time. She is dedicated betrayal, trauma recovery coach, and she specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild trust. intimacy, and hope after betrayal. She serves as a health and wellness coach and empowers her clients to achieve lifelong transformation through sustainable habits and mindset shifts. And that's where we connected. we connected at such a soul level for so many reasons. Vicki is rooted in her Christian faith and is committed to creating a safe and supportive community. area for her clients. when you meet Vicki, and I know that you're going to hear this as we unpack and talk through this time, but when you meet her, she is a purveyor of truth and healing and change. And she will call you to higher level if you allow her. She has the most incredible story. So let's jump into that for today. Vicki, I'm so curious when you hear about the idea of Leading Victory, what does that bring up to you? What does that come to mind based on your own story? Yeah, well, before I answer that question, I'm going to share something because as you were talking, I thought, you know what, I think it's important for your listeners to know that while I wear two different types of coaching hats, my first and most important role is aside from being a, follower of Christ is that I'm a wife and my marriage is one of my first and most important relationships. so that is my number one hat I wear. But then I wear this other family hat, right? Where I'm a mom of three adult children. I'm a grandma of two precious little girls. I am a daughter. I am a sister and a mom in law. I have these other hats too. I think it's important to share that on top of that. I'm a betrayal trauma recovery coach coming alongside partners. Who's in most cases, those partners are women and their husbands have strayed pornography, adultery, infidelity of some sort. Right. And I'm a health and wellness coach. Very different things, but I'm working with people like you have in the past, helping people achieve their goals. So when I think about that, and these different roles that I play, or support people in, I'm always looking for opportunities for victory. whether small or large. Victory in my marriage, victory as a parent or grandparent, victory with my betrayal partners and victory with my health and wellness partners. I'm looking for those victories and they always represent having overcome obstacles. I don't think victory happens without overcoming obstacles. so when I think about leading a victory, that's a big thing. Overcoming obstacles, embracing truth, and fostering hope and healing in other people's lives. So good. Yeah. And that really, I think, comes from my own being an obstacle overcomer, if you will, right? Having my own journeys, multiple journeys of pain and struggle. And it's out of that when you get to the other side and you experience your own victory that you can look back and go, wow, that just happened. And now I have something that I can offer to someone else. So good. As you were talking, I thought about something that I know we've both addressed with our coaching clients that are moving into victory for themselves, and that's moving out of the conversation around being a victim, right? When we think about this idea of the opposite of victim is victory in some ways, what do you think is the hardest part that you've experienced as well as you see in clients when moving away from that victim mindset? That's so good. One of the things in my own personal story is that I had some life experiences when I was young. I think everybody has them. They just look different for different people. And we start to tell ourselves a false narrative and that false narrative can really define how we show up. for the rest of our lives if we don't intercept that and we don't start to address those issues, those thoughts that we have. And often that false narrative puts us in a victim position, right? It's look at what has been done to me. Look at what I have had to endure, poor me. Not that hard things haven't happened. Somebody else might look at my story and say, poor you. But I don't want to be in that position of being a victim. That feels awful. And I think some of the hardest things that I experienced as a young adult, I'm not such a young adult anymore. I'm a much more mature adult. But some of the things that happened when I was In my, you know, wet behind the ears years they had me stuck in that position and I showed up then as a victim for a very long time. And it's interesting because, I think Habit Finder and thinking about how we think and who we are, plays into this because I didn't understand what I was thinking. I didn't understand how I operate, as Vicki Tiede. And so I stayed in that victim place. And I needed to shift, to being a hero and not in a negative way, okay, because hero can have a negative connotation, but I also think it can have a beautiful connotation if what we use to shift at ourselves negatively, we can turn outward and see how it can be used to serve others. Oh, that's so good. Can you talk about that? Because, Some people who, since this is podcast, we're listening, if you are familiar with the Drama Triangle. The drama triangle has a villain, a victim, and a hero, and a lot of people will loop around that circle, and we've empowered and taught people to shift. But you're talking about hero shift in a different way. hero as in embracing your story, embracing. That idea of trusting yourself again, embracing resilience, to be able to serve. others. Is that what I'm hearing? Totally. So let me, if I may share a quick story with you, my big brother has down syndrome. Yeah. when I was a little girl, I was five years old and I was playing tiddlywinks with my big brother. He was just a little more than a year older than me. I called him a retard. swept me up hustled me into the bathroom set me on the counter and said, where did you hear that word? And I don't, this is, you know, early 1970s people. And so do the math. And that word was being thrown around all the time. And I said, I heard it on the bus. And she said, do you know what it means? And I didn't. she explained to me that my brother had down syndrome and how he was different. She pointed out features and things that might help me have clues and how he, was not going to have the easy way. He was going to face many obstacles. And so guess what happened in that five minutes that I sat on the bathroom counter, everything in my little brain shifted. I was no longer my brother's peer who had never noticed that he was different until that moment. I was now the one who needed to clear the way and make life easy for him. I needed to make sure that he could experience success. So I equate it sometimes to remember the sport. I've never seen it done other than at the Olympics, like curling. Sure. And the sweeper is the person who's sweeping frantically in front of whatever you call that round sphere Rushing down the ice, I was the sweeper. I was sweeping ahead of my brother his whole life. That, for me, was an inciting incident. That was a moment where I was like, oh, this is my purpose. I have value when I make sure other people are successful, because when I did that, I got positive reinforcement. I got positive. everybody would say, look at how good Vicki is with her brother. I grew up beyond my years, but that led to how I showed up for other people. interestingly, that actually was putting me in a victim position when I learned to shift that because I was doing this. Because I became a champion. I got attention. My worth was all wrapped up in making sure I made things simple, efficient, and effective for other people to be successful. Wow. Now, when I shifted that, now I show up differently I can spin it so that now I'm the hero of my story, or hero of the story, in that I courageously offer a path for people to discover their truth. their hope, their health, their healing. And I get to serve them in that if they want my help so that they become champions of their own lives. Wow. We've known each other a long time. That is the first time that I've heard that story from you. And that's so fun. Some of that I will say, Amanda, is that I am a firm believer in continuing to become me. Continuing to explore who I am and understanding, like, that's what I love about, things like Habit Finder. I get to go, Oh, isn't that interesting? Of course, that's true about me. But I wouldn't have put it that way. I didn't understand it that way. so I'm always doing work and understanding my story is some work that I've been doing recently. So like all of that, it just all comes together and is part of Vicki becoming even more Vicki. And I love that. And we know that we become like the five people that we spent time with, which is why whenever I get to see you, I love to see you. I, on Monday I talked about, how did I get here? The story, the launch of all of how we got here. But you said something to me in 2019. It was the peak of my depression. And you gave me the invitation to trust myself again. That was huge. Because it hit home it was the moment for me that was like the domino effect that got me to the place of the deeper healing that I've been experiencing that God's opened doors to. And it's in pursuit. I feel like one of the biggest parts of continuing to be open to that though, is my willingness. To not hide in the shadows. And my willingness to be vulnerable and share my story and get it out there. what is the intersection between putting our stories out there and throwing our stories up on people, right? Because there's such a difference because when you see that, when people are just wanting the attention, wanting, somebody to do it for them, what do you experience? Because you are such a go getter and you empower others. So how did you find that balance? where's the balance for you between moving through something and sharing your story? What's the appropriateness there? Yeah. Okay. Well, that is a loaded question, right? Because You're right. Like sharing your story, you can verbally vomit on people. That is just not cool. And what is the purpose? What is the motivation behind that? I think, especially because I know that, many of your listeners are, budding entrepreneurs and they're starting things and they're being encouraged to share your story because when we share our story, we are known, we are seen, we are understood. people are like, I want to work with you because. You sound kind of like me, right? And so that requires some vulnerability. And as a leader, I know you and I have talked about this Amanda, but we also have to have resilience and resilience can sometimes get a little bit more attention. That's that, ability to have some grit and come on, I'll wear grit as a badge of honor. Yeah, I'm gritty. I've gotten through some stinking hard stuff, like crazy hard. And I think it's important. I think it's absolutely very important. resiliency is super important. And at the same time, it intersects with vulnerability. And I think when we can be open and honest about the things that we fear, our doubts, the things that are struggles, all of that is just, it's so important. That's super important. Super important. In fact when we work with couples, we talk very often about an intimacy pyramid. it's kind of the format if you picture a pyramid, the bottom band of that pyramid is honesty. on top of that is built safety and on top of that is trust then vulnerability and true intimacy is at the very top. But think about this in order to experience true intimacy in any relationship, including Amanda, like our friendship you have to have vulnerability vulnerability is a really big deal to create deeper connections with people and to foster trust and to have authentic leadership if you're going to be a leader. So how do you share that story? I think as entrepreneurs, as leaders, we want to do both, right? we want to have a balance. If you're resilient, it doesn't mean you don't show weakness. It means having the strength to be vulnerable when it matters most, right? And it's about knowing when do you push forward resilient, right? And when do you take a step back and reflect? Yeah. So I think it takes a lot of courage to be real and honest, especially when you're walking through hard things like that's, that takes a lot of courage. I want to go somewhere on a deeper level because why not? There are phases of that vulnerability the hardest thing I learned specifically through Habit Finder was the walls and the barriers that I put up, I had to learn how to sit with myself. I had to learn how to see myself and I could only do that in the, context of community that was healthy and having friends speak life and truth in to me. And you were one of those people when truly horrendous things happen at younger ages that we're not in control of. Or harm's been done to us. There's that self blame dialogue and that makes it hard to sit with ourselves. How can you recommend that someone would find victory? Where's the truth? Where's the truth between hard things happen and. No, it wasn't my fault, but I'm still unconditionally loved as a human being. Yeah. So much of what I do, especially as a betrayal recovery coach, but also as a health and wellness coach, is I help people manage their emotions. When we are sitting with uncomfortable feelings, about anything, it can be something that just happened, right? Like in the moment right now, we all experience uncomfortable emotions every day, right? Like we've got a new puppy. I was standing in the backyard today. It was going to start to rain and I was feeling some uncomfortable emotions about who isn't out here with me helping right now, when we have those emotions, we all have a tendency to respond in certain ways. often our coping isn't healthy very often we have learned those coping behaviors from old childhood stuff. It's those stories we're telling ourselves. we say things, like when I hear, or when I see blank, I feel this way. then we start telling ourselves a story in our head. And so to shift, because that puts us in a pain cycle. Like that gets us in a negative space. And I think that's what I'm hearing you saying is when you're in that negative space it's because of stuff that I've learned maybe long ago that I had no control over, or maybe more recently, there's been trauma, which is often the case with the partners I'm working with. How do I shift to where I want my head to be? Like I'm in this place and I'm finding myself doing these negative things. we sometimes need to take a pause and say, I need to stop. I'm going to get myself grounded here very often if we're in a bad space, we're dysregulated, right? Let's do some grounding. Let's breathe. Let's take a drink of water. let's be aware of our five senses and pay attention to things. But then start saying, what do I know that I know is true when I am in my best space? Maybe this is an interaction with a person what do I know is true about me? What do I know is true about that other person? What do I know is true about our relationship? Sometimes we have to dig but we have to believe it. so that we can move and take action in a place of peace. Cause as soon as we start telling ourself the truth, but man, I've got a Barnes and Noble of horror stories in my head. A lot of stories. I am a good storyteller. Fiction is my favorite, right? Like I can tell myself stories and sometimes it's just that, Amanda, me going, factor fiction, sister. What are you telling yourself in your head right now? Is that true? Who says? Now, it's easier for me to do this with other people than it is for me. 100 percent. You know what's one of the coolest things that we've learned? any emotion, if you don't resist it, can pass through you in 90 seconds. That has been so powerful and freeing because the road to vulnerability is recognizing that resistance, recognizing the story we're telling ourselves, being willing to let our frontal brain take over and say, Oh, this isn't going to destroy us, right? Breathe into it, lean into it. And allow that to open the door to vulnerability, to actually feel. Yeah. I think paying attention, awareness. Remember how I just talked about that pyramid? And honesty is that first part. for us to experience ourselves and intimacy with ourselves, we also need to take ourselves through those steps. And part of being honest with ourselves is having awareness. Absolutely. It's having awareness and going, Oh, you know why sometimes I think we don't have awareness. We are just driving so hard. I don't have time to slow down and be aware, right? yet if we'll slow down and experience some awareness and go, what am I feeling? It's very interesting how many people don't know how to identify what they're feeling. you have to make yourself slow down to do it. It doesn't have to take a long time. Remember the feeling will pass, but when we don't take the time to feel it, we try sweeping it under the carpet. Oh, There's going to be a big old monster size bulge under that carpet that we will trip over down the road. talking about slowing down, that's been such a fun experience to watch you do over the course of this bit. Also you fighting that process, right? Because you were receiving this affirmation from being a doer. So what has been the key thing that's helped you to. Slow down to lean in and to be willing to push through that healing process and get rid of some of those stories. I have a couple of answers to that. one I think is being intentional about self care. Because when I don't have self care. I find myself in that pain cycle. I have not created margin for myself. I'm not sleeping well. I'm not eating well. I'm not going for a walk and moving my body. I have no white space on my calendar. There's no joy, right? And guess what? That's going to take me to this maladaptive coping behavior that I'm going to be a hot mess. And then I'm going to strike pain in other people I love. And now we're just swirling, right? So part of this learning to slow down. has been being intentional to protect my green zone, if you will. This is my safe space and I have to protect that. In fact, in June, I said, That's it. I'm gonna do these two things in June and everything else is coming off my calendar and it did. I enjoyed coffee dates and I enjoyed reading good books and I said, this is staying. I'm not going back to that. Well, guess what? Like I may need to poke from a friend going, how's that going for you? Because it's easy for the calendar to get filled up again, but being really mindful. So that's the one thing. But I think the other thing, Amanda, is when life happens. When you experience something really hard in life, and we did, about a year and a half ago, we experienced a major trauma and it was a compound trauma. And that forces you to look at things differently and to do things differently. it makes you press in and say, I don't have all the tools and resources that are going to get me over this obstacle. So I have to slow down. do the heart work, do the healing, work with people who know better than I know, so that I can get on that other side. And that will force you to slow down and make different choices. It's like when you've been driving hard, and then you get sick. And I would just go, All right, God, I see what you're doing. You made me get sick. I don't think he's out to harm us. I do think sometimes he will do what he needs to do to get your attention and to slow you down. How long did it take you to realize that you were worth taking care of? I think I'm probably still on that path of discovery, right? Like I said, I'm a learner. I like to learn things about myself. I feel like I've been on a journey of self discovery for 56 years plus. I think it takes a long time. Part of what, I love about Habit Finder isn't that what I learned about myself was a big surprise. It was, I was more surprised that how did it know? How did it know this about me? This is exactly who I am. How did it crawl in my brain and do this, for me, that was affirming. Somebody, a machine or whatever, understands me. They get me. And I'm okay. There's nothing wrong with me. This is exactly who I was created to be. And I think, That's part of that, right? Like I'm worth slowing down for I'm worth taking the time and I'm worth celebrating myself, right? because if you look at my habit finder, I'm a bit of an achiever but again, you heard me say, I used to tie myself worth to achievement. Right. I've had to be really intentional about shifting my mindset. not just on Here's all the things I must do. But wow, look at what I've done. Wow. Yeah, that's huge. Closing that gap was huge. What do you feel has been one of the key factors that's kept you In pursuit. Yes, you are a natural learner. what's kept you moving forward through every hard thing? Well, for sure, my faith, my faith plays a really big part in it. in Romans 8, 28, it says, we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I just love that passage because whatever he has brought me to, he has brought me through. when he brings me through it, then I flipped to a second Corinthians, chapter one, verses three and four. And I'm going to give you the Vicki paraphrase, But it talks about how the God of all comforts, comforts us in our time of need so that we can comfort others with the same comfort he comforted us. I think, I've walked through a lot of hard things, including betrayal, including struggling with my self esteem and, my health issues and things that have been a battle for me lifelong. And when he takes me through that and shows me a way and I get over that obstacle, again, and not perfected on the journey, I will always be a betrayal recovery. I will always be that person who's still in recovery, even though I now help lots of women. I will always be on a health journey. so What keeps me going and pursuing that is that this is a lifelong journey for me. So I want to continue to know more and make it easier for myself and to make the journey lighter. Like, Oh, wait, here's a bag. I don't need to continue carrying anymore because I've got a new tool that took care of that. That is highly motivating to continue to discover. And then to know that I can support someone else especially with our work with Betrayed Partners. It is such a privilege. to walk alongside a woman and to be able to say, I know what that's like. And, to be able to say, would you like some tools? Would you like me to show you how you can do this? Let me carry this bag for you for a while. That's a privilege. Oh, that's so beautiful. And I know that is the huge part of what we teach the Habit Finder process really embracing our struggles, embracing our story, being willing to be vulnerable in order to serve others. I believe that people don't always recognize that their stories play into the businesses they want to start, to the things they want to do in life, to their natural genius, It's what allows us to become fully alive. Howard Thurman says, don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it because what the world needs is people who become fully alive. So as we're closing up, I have a few more questions, but one of the takeaways is what makes you come fully alive? I think when I have the privilege to partner with somebody and give them a path where they can discover, truth, hope, health, and healing. And I get to see them become a champion in their own life. that brings me so much joy, I feel like I'm in the center of my purpose. And I'm just so grateful. part of that, comes with a whole lot of gratitude. being able to say, thank you, God, that you allowed these things to happen in my life. I was not thanking you before, but because you brought that community that you so beautifully described, Amanda, the community, and I'm often building my army. I have quite an army of people in my life and I'm so grateful for that. And then when I get to be part of somebody else's army, that brings me alive. Yeah. Oh, so good. It's something that I've seen you do as you are fully alive and you bring people along with you is you give them courage to be themselves as you have become more of yourself. And that's been amazing. That's why we need each other. That's why we need to hold mirrors up for each other. If you were to tribute, what has been the biggest victory that you've led in your life? how could you sum up what obstacle have you overcome that you are most excited about that gets you to where you are right now? Wow. So Mike and I, my husband and I, we did this betrayal recovery work 29 years ago. I walked through a very, very significant betrayal with a husband. Not Mike. And then Mike and I married, and that was a betrayal. And then Mike struggled himself and there was another betrayal, with a pornography addiction. And we overcame that. he has done his heart hard work and I have done my heart hard work. I think overcoming that, and then really being called to help other people again, when I walked through it 29 years ago, then in 2012, I wrote a book called When Your Husband's Addicted to Pornography, Healing Your Wounded Heart. And then my heart got wounded again, and healing my wounded heart brought me to where I am today. And, it's such a privilege to help other people heal their wounded hearts. I love that you didn't shrink back because on the other side of our healing is freedom for others, not just ourselves. we can look down into the pit and say, Hey, I see you just let's do a ladder. But the big thing is, we've got to be willing to climb up that ladder that somebody else is putting down for us, or we've got to be willing to reach out our hand. what advice would you give someone who is going through a similar struggle with betrayal and learning to trust themselves again and learning to trust their partner? Yeah. Okay. Well, What could be an option of resilience and vulnerability? that resilience of you keep going, you don't stop and you be vulnerable and you let yourself feel, right? that is maybe part of what I would say to somebody, don't just give up on yourself. If I'm talking to a partner, you can not fix your spouse. It is not your job to fix your spouse, but your heart is totally recoverable. Don't try to do it by yourself. There's so many incredible, counselors and coaches, right? And I work as a coach. if someone is a partner, I would absolutely say one, depending on your area, I coach people all over the world, literally. I work with a lot of people even in other countries, and so that's certainly an option, but get help. you can look for me. APSATS is the Association for Partners of Sexual Addicts Trauma Specialists. We're in that directory there, but You can find other people too. There's a huge demand, but don't try to do it by yourself. Find a support group, get help. That's also a great place to find someone who could support your partner too, if they want that. But again, you have to focus on your own healing first. Yeah, that's huge. And not doing it alone. I think the biggest factor to downfall is believing that we're alone. Oh, my word, for sure. That is a tool of the enemy. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. So where, can people find you? when, what are you doing? What are you serving people in that people can look for? So when they look up Vicki Tiede, they know what they're looking for. You know, and so I would say, the number one thing is if they're looking for betrayal, recovery work, you can Google us, but also life renovation counseling and coaching is where you'll find us the website is life renovation, cc. com. I'm on Facebook life renovation. CC is also, or. Counseling and coaching is also on Facebook. I personally am on Facebook. and so if you're looking for health and nutrition, wellness support, you can find me on Facebook. That would be the very best way, to connect with me And if it's for the betrayal recovery work, then like for innovations, I love it. And as we close, I always like to give people a high five to take on the week. So give us your best Vicki ism. What would you give people as they're closing out headed into the weekend to lead victory? What tips would you give them? Honestly, lean into what is great about you. Be persistent about that. You are worthy and you have great value and you are worth taking care of. if you need to go and get support so that you feel hope again, do that. If you need healing for a broken heart, you are worth that. If you need to pursue health because you have put yourself on the back burner for so long and you need health, then do that. And there's greatness in everyone and they are worth pursuing truth, hope, health, and healing. Thank you so much, Vicki, for helping me on the path of victory, trusting myself again, and for continuing to pay it forward. This priceless work that you're doing to help people heal themselves and their relationships. Thank you for being you and for continuing to shine bright. Thank you so much, Amanda.

And thank you so much for listening today. Vicki reminded us that the journey to become your best self is a lifelong process. She offered us perspective for when life gets hard to slow down, embrace the experience with gratitude and know that we can serve others on the other side of our healing. She reminded us that you are worth taking care of. Let's put this episode into practice by intentionally slowing down this weekend and creating space to reflect, renew, and restore our peace. If you haven't plugged into my emails yet, be sure to find the link below.