Feeling On Purpose With Judge Lynn Toler

CHALLENGE YOUR BELIEFS: JUDGE LYNN TOLER'S EYE-OPENING INSIGHT

• Judge Lynn Toler • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Ever wondered how beliefs shape your emotions and decisions? Join me, Judge Lynn Toler, as I recount a riveting courtroom experience from the 1990s involving a defendant who claimed to be both Jesus and Adam. This sets the stage for a broader exploration of the urgent need to question and test our beliefs in a world awash with misinformation. With the lines between facts and opinions often blurred by social media, it's crucial to arm ourselves with strategies like the "10th man" approach and the "three book rule" to ensure a well-rounded perspective. It's not just about challenging others' beliefs but also critically assessing our own, including mine, to protect your emotional borders and work with your emotions intentionally.

Dive into the nuances of critical thinking and the pitfalls of confirmation bias with this thought-provoking episode. Discover how premature opinions can lock us into rigid beliefs, making us resistant to fresh ideas. We also navigate the intricate dance between truth and lies, emphasizing the importance of discernment and the flexibility to adapt when new information arises. Embrace the art of gracefully managing your thoughts and emotions, maintaining personal sovereignty, and staying in charge of the decisions that shape your life. Let this episode empower you to refine your critical thinking skills, so you can make more informed choices and confidently navigate a complex world.

Speaker 1:

You know her as the longest presiding judge on divorce court, for more than 14 years. Marriage boot camp and many other programs. A graduate of Harvard, judge Lynn Toler is the author of my Mother's Rules Making Marriage Work and Dear Sonali Letters to the Daughter I Never had, all of which are dedicated to the proper emotion, what it is and how to find it.

Speaker 2:

Remember under your skin is a sovereign country. Don't go passing out passports all willy-nilly to people who don't belong there. Let me help you protect your emotional borders so we can all start feeling on purpose. Hey, how you doing this is Judge Lynn Toler with another episode of Feeling On Purpose, the podcast dedicated to the proposition of working your emotions like the job they are. Don't just go around feeling stuff and behaving so. Think between how you feel and what you do, so we can stay out of a little trouble, some of the trouble that we keep making for ourselves.

Speaker 2:

This episode is about beliefs. Who are you going to believe? Who are you going to listen to? How do you determine what to believe that make me feel good, as opposed to facts that are actually true? You know, because we all glom on to facts that make us feel good. But in doing that and we've seen this on the internet you create a constant reinvention of your feelings, without real discernment as to whether or not that idea, that belief, is really cool. Because my thing is this the more often I figure out I'm wrong, the more likely I am to be right. But if I hang on to my ideas like they're my children, I'm going to protect them against all comers, even when a new idea would be better. I'm going to start out now. When you talk about beliefs to people, you really go to the heart of their matter, because people's beliefs define how they feel about themselves. But I'm not talking about beliefs so much as believing ideas. Now let me explain what I'm saying.

Speaker 2:

I was in court it was 1990, I don't know five or six, something like that and I had a trial six, something like that and I had a trial and a guy was being it was a jury trial and a guy was being accused of stalking this other guy. So the guy that the defendant I call him Mr Smith. Mr Smith did not have an attorney. Mr Smith told me he didn't believe he needed an attorney. Told me he didn't believe he needed an attorney and Mr Smith was arrogant. Mr Smith used to go into my clerk's office and file paperwork that was inappropriate and when they wouldn't take it he would always say wait till my father gets a hold of you.

Speaker 2:

So anyway, we're at trial and the first part of any trial is called voir dire, where you ask people questions, your potential jurors questions to see if they might see if they're going to be good, fair jurors, and you can always excuse ones that you don't think are going to be. That way you can have that. So the prosecutor got up Kim Segelbroth, I'll never forget it and he asked all of his questions, trying to determine who he wanted on the jury. Then the defendant got up and said do you all believe in Jesus Christ? And it just so happened I had a panel full of Christians. I had a really actually wonderful conservative Jewish population that I just loved, but they were wonderful people, but none of them happened to be there that day. So everybody raised their hand and my man, mr Smith, said as long as you believe in me, I ain't got any problem with any of you, and sat down.

Speaker 2:

So everything stopped. The potential jurors and the jurors all went out. I had to bring everybody up A this person can. This person understands the proceedings, he understands the potential penalties and he also understands who and what all the people in the courtroom to do, what the prosecutor's job is, what his job is, what my job is.

Speaker 2:

And then I ask him well, what are you going to do? What are you going to say? You know, to determine whether or not in specifics, but determine whether or not he had a handle on things and he could participate meaningfully in his defense. Based on the conversation that the three of us had me, him and the prosecutor he was competent to stand trial, so I had to let the trial go forward. Now, interestingly enough, you know how when you on jury duty and you don't get picked, you run home. Every single solitary potential juror that wasn't picked came right back around and sat in my courtroom, because that was fascinating. Boyfriend Mr Smith got up and told the jury ah, not only am I Jesus, I'm also Adam in the Garden of Eden Forgot the garden's name Isn't that awful.

Speaker 2:

And that man the one that he was accused of harassing tried to rape Eve. So that man said that the guy he was with sexually misused Eve. So there you go, and the trial went forward and afterwards the jury asked me how could you let that happen? And I said here's why Neither you nor I can factually establish Mr Smith was not Jesus. That's his belief system and we, you know, we can't get in there and do that. He has to be able to understand the facts and the situation and the proceedings and that is sufficient. You have to make sure he understood the ideas. You didn't have to agree with his beliefs, and that's what I am very adamant about, because in this day and age of social media, it is quite easy for people to tell you things just ain't true. People get on Now.

Speaker 2:

I personally believe a platform and opinion does not an expert make now, and that I personally believe also that that applies to me. I don't think you should believe anything I say unless you test it out first. Look for the logic in it and don't just look at that. Look for people, conversations, that say I'm wrong. You can't know I'm right unless you know I'm not wrong, and you have to. You have to do that. I have problems with the authority People.

Speaker 2:

If you have a degree, let me start all over again. If you have a degree, a PhD in astrophysics, I'm going to believe what you tell me about the stars. Believe what you tell me about the stars. Now, if you have a degree in nothing and you want to tell me about men and women and marriage and who's doing what to whom, you got to lay out some reasons for me to believe you and what people often do. When they don't have it backed up by and yes, I know my shirt and my thing don't match If you don't have it backed up by and yes, I know my shirt and my thing don't match If you don't have it backed up by degrees or books or anything like that, what you do is you try to find. You try to find. You try to sound, unlike me, extraordinarily authoritative. Men are always women. Are this that you're not? When you truly understand something, it is very, very difficult to be unequivocal about it. I would never say all men this or all women that or this is how to be married to Eric might drive another man to distraction, and the extent to which we want to buy ideas wholesale and in bulk, it can be problematic. This is what I like to do before I believe something and I'm not talking about religious beliefs, I'm not. Mr Smith is allowed to be Mr Smith, but I like it.

Speaker 2:

I don't like listening to people who never say I don't know. You ever watch a lot of people and come and say I don't know, what is that, I don't understand. And I was talking about a degree in astrophysics and it was like everybody knows Neil deGrasse Tyson and he was sitting there talking to somebody once and they were, and in the middle of it the guy said something and Neil said I don't know what that is. When you're confident that you know what you're talking about, you can readily say I don't know what that is, you know. And I also don't like to take advice or information from people who don't own their bias.

Speaker 2:

Ain't nobody on this world, on this earth, not biased in some way, shape or form? You were born in a certain community, at a certain time, with certain people, and certain things are common to you, they are normal to you. Some things disgust you and if you go into one culture from another culture, from another culture, that which is innately disgusting, that any human being wouldn't be able to tolerate, is always different. Some countries it's an outrage if a woman eats fish within certain amount of time of her husband's death. I mean, there's just so many different things.

Speaker 2:

You can't go into a Catholic church and act like a Baptist. Priests don't want you to holler hey, yes, preach. Now you go to a black church. They get mad at you if you don't say something. You, sitting there, quiet, like you in a Catholic church Rev, will say something to you. Y'all not hearing me today. Can I get an amen? I mean, it is a conversation between the congregation and the minister, but what is appropriate in one place is not appropriate in another place.

Speaker 2:

So you got to make sure you know how what you've been through breaks up the light you shine on everything else. If you've had three really horrible women in a row who got pregnant and back to the fold, or if you had three horrible men in a row that did the exact same thing, you're going to start saying women are, men are. And my response to that is the ones you picked were the ones around you were or the ones you like were. Sometimes you have to date against type, if the type of guys that you date or the type of women you date are causing you pain. But anyway, I've gotten off track.

Speaker 2:

I was talking about people I tend to believe. I tend to believe people who open with their week. You see what I'm saying the biases that they have. Everybody is biased, I'm biased, and I had to work through my biases actively every day, especially being a judge. And I remember when I was a judge in Ohio and they had a, they wanted somebody to create the judicial curriculum. You know, because we have to have a continuing education component, and I said I would do it if I could include a class on. It wasn't emotional intelligence, because that term wasn't out anymore, but understanding bias and your own prejudice. You know, and I was going to open up each class, how many of you in here are prejudiced? And I know, and I was going to open up each class, how many of you in here are prejudiced. And I was going to say and nobody would have raised their hand. And I said y'all wrong. Let me tell you why. Everybody has a perspective. Personally, I like to call it lean.

Speaker 2:

I wrote a book called Dear Sonali and I was struggling. Struggling to write it because to give advice in bulk can be very, very dangerous, because all anything my mother told me, she told my sister the opposite, because we were opposite people. You know she was trying to pull my sister in the house, she was trying to push me out. All of your all people are different. So categorical advice, it makes me nervous.

Speaker 2:

So what I did in that book is I spent a chapter talking about my perspective, which I call a lean. And I call it a lean because perspective seems like a fixed point in time. You know it's my perspective. I'm standing on this boulder, on this mountain and I'm seeing these things. A lean is something that is subject to change. I can lean over here until some facts come up and I can lean back this way. But I also have to tell you what's wrong with my emotional house. I tend to be worried and anxious. You must take that into account when you take advice from me. I tend to lean a little dark. You know I see catastrophe a lot. I adjust for these all the time, but I don't think I do it perfectly.

Speaker 2:

So I tell people I lead with my week a little bit so you can interpret what I'm saying, and then, in an effort to have a conversation with women I did not know I asked them to start creating their second set of eyes and, if you recall, a second set of eyes is a concept my mother had, my mother's rules. I considered her an emotional genius and she always taught me that a part of you always has to step away from yourself and watch yourself like you're somebody else, because when you are in a situation, you are so immersed in your own emotions and your own discomfort or your own joy or whatever your own emotions and your own discomfort or your own joy or whatever you really can't accurately see unless you practice always being able to step away from yourself and use your second set of eyes I'm being beleaguered by a German shepherd, I apologize your second set of eyes so they could know who they are a little better and when you know who you are, I mean, and not just what you do well, but what you don't do well. I always say people want to put their best foot forward, and that's fine, but I like to focus on the one that's dragging behind, because that's the sucker that's going to trip you up should you have to break out into a run. I mean, that's just what that is. So I'd like people to know that. I'd like to know that people have the ability to say I don't know. I like to know that people know that they are biased in some way shape or form. I'm biased by my upbringing. What I think a marriage should be is determined in part about how my parents' marriage was and how my husband's marriage was. So you know I have to share that so everybody can see the patina of whatever I've went through, have the patina of whatever I went through. You know colors, what I see and what I do.

Speaker 2:

Another thing I found important to keep me on the straight and narrow is never conclude too soon. You get a little piece of information here. You get a little piece of information there. Somebody puts a thread through it and makes you feel like it's true. I remember when they did had uh, and any theory you put together you can string. So you can string it together. It's a possibility. We tell stories all the time. So if you get a little bit of this, a little bit of that and like, like seeds of information and then you plant it in the soil of of your, of your past, of your understanding, of your biases, of your feelings of of your past, of your understanding of your biases, of your feelings of your personality is going to grow. But it don't grow, but it doesn't mean that that's what it is. If you conclude too soon, then you put your mind in a little bitty box and it is impervious to, or at least resists new information because you've come to a conclusion and we get very, very, very attached to the conclusions to which we come. You can watch on TV and I don't care what side you're on or anything. Watch on TV and I don't care what side you're on or anything.

Speaker 2:

If people, you talk to somebody about politics or somebody, and they'll base their opinion on something they just know to be true. You can show that it's not true and they never say I got to reconsider. They move on because they've attached their very being and how they feel about themselves to how right they are about that idea. And it's hard to let go because you've functioned, you've made decisions all in accordance with that idea and to say that idea is now wrong. You have to dismantle all of that stuff. You did, all that stuff you believed, and people don't want to do that. It's not easy, it's very difficult.

Speaker 2:

One of my mother's rules is to put a period on things. In other words, when you learn something new or you realize you were wrong about something, not only do you have to say hi, I was wrong, but it helps to also say, okay, what have I done based on that wrong idea? Or what other ideas have I created based on this bad idea, and I got to dismantle them. Now People, people, people don't do that, you just. Well, that wasn't right, and they don't realize how often they use that thought or that belief.

Speaker 2:

Then again, don't believe your people. I listen to my people all the time, but I don't just believe them because they have the same limitations that I do. As far as well, that's not necessarily true. We're all very, very different, we all. But the more alike people are, the more their perspectives are the same and the more their biases are likely to be the same. And so you can. The zombies were taken over everywhere except this one country, and they prepped for it and they got through it and they were there. And he said how did you guys figure this out? Why didn't you make the mistakes everybody else made? He said because we have a 10th man. Nine men all agree that X is happening. The 10th man always has to vehemently and vigorously support the other side.

Speaker 2:

It allows your ideas to get honed and corrected. It allows your ideas to get polished by the facts and the feelings and the information that is not available within a limited silo of beliefs. You know, that's number one. Number two, that's not number one. I don't know. I say that sometimes it just isn't true.

Speaker 2:

But anyway, just because somebody is good at one thing doesn't mean you need to believe them about all things we tend to get it's. You know what part of the problem is. You know, as nature often does, we want low energy and high entropy. You know what I mean. Just, you don't want to. You don't want to. That's not true. But I take that entropy statement back. It's hard to deal with a whole lot of detail and nuance, it is hard to function if you don't have a set of ideas and beliefs that allow you not to wonder and get confused and get all. And so what we do is we try to, we settle on something and that's it, because it keeps us from having to fight with all the new information and all of that and you have some comfort. You can predict things when you have a belief system like that, but it's always be willing to test your beliefs and always be, and never just take it from one group.

Speaker 2:

For instance, I used to have this three book rule. First of all, I get tied up in topics Like I got tied up in World War. I Like why did it happen? I know about Archduke Ferdinand and all of that kind of stuff, but why did the entire world go to war over that? And it takes a lot of history. You know you go through it, but I had to read at least three different books on it, from three different sources, from three different directions, and I ended up reading more than three because it just fascinated me. But if there's like a philosophical, you know, a belief system or books or something about something, I will read one book from this side, one book from that side and then at least one book that contends that they are down the middle or just being factual. And between at least those three I have a fighting chance of pulling out the pertinent information that is correct and I will make fewer errors in my understanding than I otherwise would if I committed to a position too soon. Do you know what I mean.

Speaker 2:

Worriers, people like me who are anxious. We commit to a position of catastrophe too soon. The minute I can't find something, I've decided that I've lost it forever. The minute I can't, you know, don't jump to the wrong conclusion, and your emotions, your feelings, your feelings of fear, your feelings of insecurity, your feelings of whatever, will often inform that my worry pushes me to negative conclusions. So I have to know in real time. I've got 30% more negative on this than there should be. I got to take it off. I got to take it off because you have to know who you are and how. Who you are, as I said, bends the light that you shine on the new things that you see. Don't buy your ideas in bulk either.

Speaker 2:

Just because someone's right about A, they don't mean they're right about B, c or D, especially if B, c and D are not within their wheelhouse. You know, and then you have to do some extra special emotional work to sift through what social media can do. For instance, every once in a while I have to adjust my algorithm, because it starts to feed you what you were interested in for a while and then, once it does that, it limits everything. You see a whole lot in this one area and you don't see things in other areas. And then I I intentionally follow people that I do not believe, that I think are wrong on the other side of whatever. So I can always I don't feel like. So I understand why they feel the way that they do, because that's the only way that you can get people to change their mind.

Speaker 2:

You can't get people to change their mind by simply saying to them hey, you're wrong, and this is why you have to say how do you feel about that? Well, why do you feel that way? What would you like to happen? And you start where they are and you slowly walk them home. Keeps them from fighting you up front, keeps you. And if you know how people, what people are really afraid of, or what people really love, or what people really want, you might be able to give them what they need, while they're able to give you what they need, while they're able to give you what you need, because the need that they need satisfied may not be the one that they're hollering about. You know what I mean People getting out on road, rage and doing this and that they're not upset that upset with that. But something else went on. Something else went on and then some people are just road raging. That could be true as well, but you know, I'm scared.

Speaker 2:

I don't know about you, but the other social media thing that frightens me is what I call the well-sandwiched lie. Now I'm going to turn my screen over here. I'm a low-tech chick trying to do a high-tech thing. Well, wait a minute, Let me try to do it first before I turn that over there, because I don't know what I'm doing. It's the most remarkable thing I have seen, not the most remarkable thing I have seen. I tend to engage in hyperbole. That's another thing you ought to know about me, especially when it comes to me messing up. I tend to be, I tend to be. I just, I just tend to be. I just think that stuff is hilarious. But anyway, I want to turn your attention to Lord. Have mercy Now. I want you to see this and I'm going to turn my camera over. I hope this turns out all right, okay.

Speaker 2:

YouTube premium is ad, free YouTube and exclusive access to all things. Now they did this site called Black Hollywood Legends. Now, first of all, the only part they got right is that I'm Black, I'm not Hollywood and I'm not a legend. Be that as it may Be, that as it may, they did a little piece on me, like 17 minutes talking about where I went to school, all of that, and they were right about all of it. That's where I used to work, all of that, all of those things were true. Where I worked, the books I wrote, they had a picture of the people that I wrote books with.

Speaker 2:

But at nine minutes and 18 seconds they decide. They decide to just make some stuff up. They say I own a mansion on the Scioto River which they call the Sciota Sciota Look at that with lime green chairs and frills and flowers and frills and flowers. They do a five minute examination of a home, talking about what I had in it and why it was there and why I picked it. Then they'd said I had an apartment in Atlanta, really nice apartment, but I don't. And then they go back to my charitable work and all of that.

Speaker 2:

Most of that is accurate, but for some reason they decided to give a detailed five to seven minute lie for no reason, about who I am, what I do and where I go. I'm not an important person. That lie doesn't matter, but it's demonstrative of the problem. You know, if you, if you the ability to package and to sandwich things inside the package, a lie inside a truth is, is, is, is is very real. And if you know some of the things that you see there are true, you're going to tend to believe that the rest of them is true. And that happens a lot. And now the dogs are coming, so that means I got to go soon. But here let me say this to you the whole point of this, the whole point of this thing, is be careful who you believe, and don't believe too strong too long until you've you've you've really assessed it. And when you do believe, always be willing to put it under a big, bright light of what now Do I have new information that does not, that doesn't comply with what I always thought.

Speaker 2:

My favorite tolerism on this is only go steady with your ideas, never marry them, because that way, when a new and a better one shows up, you can switch without doing a whole lot of emotional paperwork. Alimony on bad ideas whoo. But anyhow, y'all have a good day and remember under your skin is sovereign country. Don't go handing out passports all willy-nilly to people who don't belong there. You're in charge, you feel, not anybody else. Don't act a fool, though. Just be cool. Y'all have a great day.