Queerly Attached

Mind The Gap: Queer Pain & Queer Joy

• Kyleigh Weathers • Season 1 • Episode 3

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Kyleigh Weathers navigates the complex interplay of queer pain and joy in this special episode, revealing how the acknowledgment of pain can deepen our understanding of joy. By sharing personal experiences and insights from a live event, she emphasizes the importance of community and self-acceptance in the journey toward queer joy.

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Speaker 1:

I think differently than you and I bet I can prove it. If you're curious, stick around. And hey, if you're skeptical, stay longer. We should chat. Welcome to Queerly Attached, where holding space isn't a meme, it's a must. Queerly Attached Attachment but make it gay. Talking about the ish that nobody is the attachment trauma we get from the closet. I have often spoken to my future self saying I know that all I need is a mic. Just give me a mic and a room full of people. They'll listen, they'll get it. Just give me 10 minutes. Just give me 10 minutes. Just give me 10 minutes. Well, they put the mic in my hand on February 13th tonight at Verse, a new event. They gave me five to seven minutes and guess what? I took my 10 minutes and I'm so glad that I did, because it created a conversation about queer joy that I'll never forget. Can't wait to share it with you. Welcome back.

Speaker 1:

This is Queerly Attached. Go now to queerlyattachednet. Scroll all the way to the bottom. I've got a free quiz for you. It's an attachment quiz. It's just meant to be fun. It's 13 questions. Get subscribed to my email list. Hi, friend, I'm Kylie Weathers. I'm your host.

Speaker 1:

I have heard from so many people who really connected with these first two episodes and I'm so glad that the timing worked out like it did. I'm actually coming to you right now. Let's see, it's 11.56 pm on February 13th and I'm just home from two very queer events that happened here locally in Kansas City. I'm going to talk with you about my experience speaking at Verse. Just a reminder I was born a lesbian and raised Mormon and that led to a life of self-abandonment. That led to a life of self-abandonment and so, if you're new to me, there's plenty on TikTok, at Queerly Attached Instagram, at Queerly Attached even Facebook. Well, I'm not in your inbox often, but I want to be. Is that too forward? I don't know. I am struggling to juggle all the tasks of being a solopreneur. I probably am leaning a little too hard on the ADHD. It's not a crutch, I promise. It's just new. I didn't find out until I was 41. I also found out that I'm a little neuro-spicy. All of that to explain it. Often may sound like I'm off track, but I typically can bring us back around. Often may sound like I'm off track, but I typically can bring us back around. A great example of that is here recently at this event Verse.

Speaker 1:

It was an honor to be amongst the panelists and I decided to speak on my favorite topic, queer joy. I talk about it a lot. I've had a journey to claiming my own queer joy. So it was my turn to speak and, in fact, a lot of what I had wanted to share I had heard bits of in the three speakers prior and I was like, okay, that's cool, we only had five to seven minutes, now that's hard for me. So I moved some thoughts around and landed in the most beautiful space and I felt the room around me just accepting the truthfulness of what I was sharing, which is that we cannot experience queer joy without queer pain. But there sometimes seems to be a gap between queer pain and queer joy. So I called this talk Mind the Gap. In that gap we find queer suffering. I'm going to insert my talk here. I was. I didn't get any video of it, but I was able to get a recording and so I'm going to drop that talk here, because it felt like a shift and at the end of the night they allowed questions and people asked the panel different questions and the theme just kept coming back to queer joy and it was amazing.

Speaker 1:

See, the thing is some people may not know is that Mormons, like we're raised public speaking. We're raised teaching lessons and giving talks, and I love to speak on things that I am passionate about. And I am passionate about the queer community. I'm passionate about queer healing enough that I've created Queerly Attached and a podcast to talk about this as often as I want. But here I was with five to seven minutes. But they got it, they understood the message and boy did they understand the assignment, because that microphone ended up out of the hands of the panelists into the hands of the queer people who had felt so seen by this message that now they felt moved to share their own moments of queer joy.

Speaker 1:

It was like sitting in a testimony meeting in the Mormon faith every first Sunday of the month, during the time where normally there are sermons and talks given they invite the audience, the congregation, to come up and share their testimony. And that's what it felt like, which was awesome, because to me I felt like I had just delivered a five to seven minute, you know, family home evening talk or a Relief Society lesson, which is the best calling in the church, by the way Relief Society teacher. Just once a month you teach that one hour and then, other than that, you get to sit there and hang out with your friends and laugh and listen. It's so fun, I love it. I'm creating queer Relief Society, and you know what? They did? Call me to be the president of the Relief Society even after I was gay. Isn't that funny? They needed leadership. I'll tell you that story. I know it's a lot of stories, but for now here's the verse talk I hope you enjoy. If you missed the first half, that was so good and I'm just honored to even be included in this. Thank you, guys, so much. I'm going to put this down so that I don't get distracted by it.

Speaker 1:

I want to talk really fast, though, about the different talks that were given. If you listened, what you may have heard was a lot of. I'm going to call it queer pain. Queer pain is something that, as a community, we're all probably super familiar with, and I'm going to call you, guys, the queer community. We're going to talk about you. We've been talking about this community that we all feel this sense of belonging in and this self-acceptance that it seems like we only feel in spaces like this, so like thank goodness for spaces like this. Thank goodness for creators who are in spaces like this. So thank goodness for spaces like this, thank goodness for creators who are creating spaces like this, right, but that queer pain, it often becomes the story and it's so hard to move forward from it, and so that's what I wanted to talk about tonight, and I'm going to call it Queer Joy.

Speaker 1:

Has anyone here been experiencing Queer Joy, as you've sat here? What does it feel like? Heidi talks about emotions. What did it feel like to be in a room like this experiencing queer joy? Just one word, you shout it out Community Excitement. What's another? Just belonging, belonging, belonging, like these. One words. But those are emotions too, and Heidi talked about those are in the body. Body, which is really freaking cool if you think about it, if you think about emotions. It's the language of the body. What that's so cool? This thing talks to us. That's wild. And it talks to us when we're amongst other humans. That's amazing. What an experience.

Speaker 1:

So why is there this gap between queer pain and queer joy? And I'm calling this talk Mind the Gap. Forget what it said up there. It's called Mind the Gap Because we often just find ourselves in that gap and it's like why do we have to wait for the next Queer Dyke Night, for the next episode of when to Find Us, for the next drop of the Queerly Attached podcast? That's mine? You should check it out on Spotify. It's not on iTunes yet, or whatever that's called, because I'm 40 and I haven't figured it out but it is on Spotify.

Speaker 1:

But really, why don't we have to wait for this space? Like, why is it so difficult to take up space as a queer person, as a black queer woman? Absolutely, it's a completely different experience than I've had. I was born a lesbian and raised Mormon and those two things don't fly. Christian knows right. There's some trauma when it comes to religion. There's trauma that comes from a society telling us you don't belong. In fact, you think you exist. We're gonna vote on it, watch us. Watch us change shit online and remove letters like it's no big deal. We're still here and we're still queer.

Speaker 1:

So what is any of that? But why is it affecting us? Why is it hurting? Because it's hitting our queer pain. It's hitting our queer pain and the cool thing about queer pain is that there means there's queer joy, which means the heteronormative society doesn't get it because they don't experience queer pain, so they doesn't get it because they don't experience queer pain. So they don't get it when they come to a space like this. How often are they in spaces where they belong All the time? But do you think they feel this joy that you feel? No, they don't, they can't. There's no opposite of it to experience. So this queer pain, queer joy, it's exclusive to us and that's not cool. But what's this gap?

Speaker 1:

I'm going to call it queer suffering, okay, and we've talked about emotions tonight. We've talked about stories of pain. It's valid, all of it. It's so valid that pain and it hurts man and we like being in spaces like this because it feels more validated and it should, it should.

Speaker 1:

But I want to talk about thoughts and emotions, because this emotion in the body, our thoughts, jump in and go. Haha, I remember some things that happened back here when you felt this way before. Do you guys? You know what I'm talking about. Those thoughts, that voice listen to it right now. It's probably been talking to you all night, all night. It's been talking to you, you from this moment, keeping you from this experience of joy, while that thought goes off in the head and the voice just starts going and going.

Speaker 1:

So I say that thoughts plus emotion equals thinking, and thinking means you're suffering, like if you're sitting with that voice, you're probably suffering. So why do it? Why do we do that? Because we feel heard, we feel seen. But hold on a second. If that voice is the one that's talking, who's listening? Who's listening to that voice? It's you. So if the voice is talking and you're the one listening, who is that? Who's that person? And that's what I want to encourage you to do the next time you feel anything. First I want you to listen to the voice and then don't believe it, just listen, just observe it and just see what it's got to say and see what happens when you listen.

Speaker 1:

If you don't believe it, then you can get curious about it right. A lot of times we feel like we can't be happy until we get that next thing. Until I find her, until he stops doing this. And if my kid better All these things. We're trying to make it fit our preference.

Speaker 1:

Buddha said it better than me. He said suffering is desire, desire, preference, how I want things to be right. If it doesn't fit this, then I'm angry. This driver in front of me like how dare he? You know how much had to happen for that driver in front of me to get there. Like your coffee had to be 15 seconds hotter than you thought it would be, and then you tripped out the door and all these things happen for this car in front of you to get here and you're pissed because he's going two miles slower an hour. Thank you voice. Slower an hour, thank you voice. That has made my day feel very good. So I say, when you don't believe the voice and you get curious, instead it's more of a wow, look at you, go.

Speaker 1:

That is so funny how you can do that right and get curious about why it's doing it. How is it helping you to just go to the guy in front of me or this person who did? Why is it? Is it serving your day? Do you want peace? Do you want calm? Yeah, we all do. We want queer joy. So why are we choosing these thoughts and feeding these emotions that don't bring us that? Because that's what we were taught to do, because they didn't enroll us in Emotions 101 freaking school, like they should have right, and so without that, we don't know what to do.

Speaker 1:

What do you think about a kid? Think about a kid experiencing something. You ever seen a little kid experience something for the first time Christmas? They're like all excited. They're like can't wait. Dad's like sit down, don't come down the stairs until we right, they're doing the thing. Kids don't know what to do, but it's coming out their body because that's what it's meant to do. We're supposed to be here experiencing this thing. So that voice that's doing the thing.

Speaker 1:

I want you to think about what main characters do. Main characters, they're very conscious. That's conscious back here. This is you. This is you and it's supposed to be here experiencing life. But all the voice blocks us from doing that. So if you think about having that conscious of the main character, it means your role is to be here and experience life and see what it feels like. You have five senses to do it. How cool is that? That's amazing. And you get to talk to your vehicle. Yeah, that's an amazing ride. Why are we messing up about the guy in front of us? He has nothing to do with it. In fact, you have nothing to do with the moment in front of you at all. It's just here and you get to experience it. That's amazing. That's amazing.

Speaker 1:

The power of thought can choose your timeline and when everything that's going on out there is so bonkers. If you can pick your timeline, why wouldn't you Like? Emotion is just energy and it wants to come through and it wants to experience life. And if you can keep that voice quiet long enough, you can be just like that kid that is so excited about every moment that's in front of you. You get to put a that voice quiet long enough. You can be just like that kid that is so excited about every moment that's in front of you. You get to put a stamp on it. How lucky is that. How cool is that that right now, the universe is asking me to speak here in front of a bunch of strangers. The universe is asking you to create a bit. That's so cool.

Speaker 1:

If you can't find gratitude in that, come on right. Queer joy only comes because of this pain experience that we have, and I'm grateful for it because it means that I am living to my fullest. If I'm queer, it means I've self-accepted. You're never late. You're never late. There's nothing late about what you're doing. You're just on the timeline that you chose. So keep choosing the energy that you want and watch how shit changes. So keep choosing the energy that you want and watch how shit changes.

Speaker 1:

Yes, if the question at the end of the night becomes I'm the one that has to change, would you do it? Would you do it? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you would All right. I'm sure I've taken more than seven minutes. Thank you, I appreciate you guys.

Speaker 1:

All right, so I'm going to ask you the same question what needs to change? Be bold, figure out. Why can't I be happy now? What if it's me that needs to change? Would that be so bad and can I do it? Would you do it if it meant getting aligned with your goal, which is peace, contentment, queer joy and a life full of being human instead of doing human? You know we're all like adulting. Yeah, that's it. That's doing human. That's not why we're here. We're here to experience, and I mentioned we have five senses. Five senses to experience within many of us. Six, who knows? Who knows, but for sure five. And some don't even have that. And yet they live a full life. Why? Because they mind the gap, the gap. When you find yourself in that gap, you may be in suffering. Just get curious this week, how often are you in queer suffering when you could be in queer joy If you only would stop believing that voice in your head. All right, so let's talk about what happened after, after I had just some of the most amazing conversations, which I love talking to people. I talk to people everywhere I go. In the next episode, I'm going to update you on my Florida trip.

Speaker 1:

I just got back from a breathwork retreat that I also ended up adding two days onto, because I was within driving distance to Michael Singer, who was the author of the Untethered Soul, the book that changed the way I thought about my thoughts. The Untethered Soul invited me to observe the voice in my head and it changed everything, and it changed me me, and I decided that was worth it. Because who, who was I? I was just a big ball of preferences. I was a big ball of what I made my experiences mean about me. Nah, I decided to let it go. I started letting it go one by one, and my head started to clear up and it freed space for me to begin creation. Truly, what I learned is that there's a source. There's a source in all of us, this thing that is here to just see what it's all about, and the way to do that is to let it take the front seat. I did that tonight and I ended up at dinner with some of their like-minded souls and had some kindred connections and by the end of the night I have now three future podcasts interviews set up. They're going to meet me right here on Queerly Attached. You're going to meet them. I can't wait to introduce you. All three of them I'm going to interview next week.

Speaker 1:

Because I showed up open, because I decided I was going to connect and I made choices throughout the night about my thoughts so that I could still achieve that goal, no matter what that voice was saying. Through the night I had several friends supporters, clients, past clients, new friends just I had people there and that felt good. That felt good. So thank you, friends that showed up. I decided to in my night, 30 minutes left of the soft opening of Q Kansas City.

Speaker 1:

If you are in town February 14th in Kansas City between 5 pm and 3 am, I hope to see you in red or pink or in whatever the hell you have, because the truth is I did not get to the store, so I don't have a red shirt. I will be in a jean jacket, most likely. So come find me because I want to take a selfie with you at Q, kansas City. I can't believe how gorgeous it is. I walked into that room. There was Lance leaning against the wall just enjoying the atmosphere. I hope to see you there because if I do, I'm going to be with a tiny mic and I'm going to ask you some questions, questions like what does it mean to you to have a space like this to come to now? How important does it feel to belong and to know that you can walk in a door and feel at home? I'm going to get some great conversation with people. I can't wait to connect. I hope I get to connect with you.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for joining me on Queerly Attached. I'm going to grab this affirmation book real quick. You know, life introduced me this week to a woman named Kiana and after listening to the podcast, she asked me to look up page number 11 for her. So that's what I'm going to do tonight and, in fact, now that I'm getting requests, I need to go ahead and set the stage for this. There's some brilliant forward and great words and an introduction. The book affirmations actually do not begin until page 26. So in the future we will be reading, choosing a number between 26 and 201. For my friend Kiana, I'm going to count 11 pages in. Oh, I like this.

Speaker 1:

I don't have to have experience to be valid in my queerness. Your queerness is valid simply because it is a part of who you are. Free yourself from the pressure of expectations and allow yourself to define your queerness on your own terms. Use this affirmation as a mantra whenever you feel self-doubt about your queer experiences. This affirmation as a mantra whenever you feel self-doubt about your queer experiences. So let it be written. So let it be done. That's beautiful. You are, you are you and that is exactly who we want you to be. We can choose to connect with others, but first we must connect with ourselves. If we can't be happy here now, get curious enough to find out why we're going to keep talking about those things here.

Speaker 1:

On Queerly Attached. Next episode, interviewing a woman from Switzerland. Her name is Arcee. I met her in Florida in a cabin with blue carpet. There's a sign outside the cabin that says the temple of the universe. Two lesbians sitting across a very culty cabin. I see them, they see me. You know they're going to try and do that little gay thing. I don't do that anymore. I look you dead in the eye and I smile Hi, I see you, fam. And of course, I went and gave them my curly touch sticker. Yeah, you're going to want to hear this episode. We'll see you next time. If you see me at QKansasCity, ask me for a sticker. I will have one on me. Kansas City, I see you. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. Your support means everything. If you want to email me, hit me up at hello at queerlyattachednet. Send me a follow on Instagram, tiktok, facebook. I am at Queerly Attached. Queerly Attached is my coaching business, where I am helping queer folks move from self-abandonment to self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is where queer joy is found. Roo, thank you.