Queerly Attached

It's Not Just A Knot: Emotions & Massage

• Kyleigh Weathers • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Estelle Strother LMT and owner of Metamorphosis Massage LLC joins me for chat on how massage can be more than relief; it can be release. We talk about emotions, queer healing, and creating safe spaces for the body to transform. 

Metamorphosis Massage LLC is an inclusive business where you are safe to be yourself no matter your gender identity, race, sexual orientation, etc. Everyone deserves to be pain free!

"You can expect this business to be a safe place to receive massage even if you have a pre-existing condition. Having chronic pain conditions that doctors can’t do more than prescribed pills? Medical Massage might just be your answer!--Estelle 

***Learn more about Estelle's Medical Massage expertise at the links below***

Instagram handle @llcmetamorphosismassage

YouTube Channel Link:
https://www.youtube.com/@estellestrotherlmt8857

Amazon Book Link:
https://a.co/d/7J2T4Qx 

Booking Link:
https://www.massagebook.com/biz/metamorphosismassage

Queer Connect Handle: metamorphosismassagellc

Bluesky Handle: @metamorphosisma.bsky.social 

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https://queerlyattached.net/attachment-quiz/

Speaker 1:

Hey friends, listen up. This interview has some audio issues Wanted to let you know. My guest is Estelle Strother and she. She was a good support and we actually had two interviews because guess why? Tech? Fortunately, we enjoyed speaking and Estelle is a massage therapist and the owner of Metamorphosis Massage LLC. Estelle and I met at one of my secure attachment workshops last year here in the Kansas City area and her wife, rachel, was also there. They have been married for 12 years and they have two dogs.

Speaker 1:

Estelle has had her own journey with medical neglect and autoimmune disorders, and massage is something that she's super passionate about. She's also super passionate about helping those who have been specifically in chronic pain. She specializes in medical massage. For this reason, as I said, we had to do this twice. I apologize, I'm still figuring this out. If you're a techie person, maybe reach out.

Speaker 1:

So there are pieces of this interview patched together from the two that we had, and I wanted to lead Estelle in with something that she said during her interview, but the audio didn't pick it up. Well, she said I chose the name metamorphosis massage because I wanted to attract people who want meaningful change, because that's the skill set that I have learned. I think that's pretty dope. You guys know that's not my vibe, so let's see what she's about. You mentioned that you've been married for 12 years to your wife. How has your queer identity intersected with this work and your own healing? Obviously, we're here on Queerly Attached, so you know that we talk a lot about attachments. How has it actually influenced your queer identity in this field of work that you've chosen?

Speaker 2:

Honestly, my queer journey has been really isolating. I'm bisexual is what I knew at first, and my biological relatives were not understanding or kind or compassionate about that At the time. Being bisexual, you were considered by the group as you're, either, you know, experimenting and calling yourself something to fit in. So it's just like a faker or a liar or something.

Speaker 1:

Basically biphobia and biracial running rampant and even a full part of our community. That needs to be talked about more.

Speaker 2:

When I went to my first pride parade, so many people, when they found out I was bisexual, immediately turned nasty. I didn't go to pride for like 15 more years after that. I didn't feel safe to just be myself and it was like I was told by both sides that I had to pick a lane, no matter what it cost me, you know. And then that feeling of unsafe and the stress that that caused obviously fed into all of my health stuff. And then since then it took a long time to even go explore, because gender identity and orientation that's an internal locus, that's something only you know.

Speaker 2:

So, honestly, I already knew I was even more different in identity and orientation. I was just afraid to go looking for a long time and it wasn't until I joined a study it was an occupational therapy study trying to help the queer community figure out their own identity to see if that would lower stress and anxiety that I learned that I'm also non-binary and demisexual, but I'm cool with my female body because I don't care, I'm just a person in a woman body, whatever, and I'm going to find out. That's also really common for being neurodivergent too, also being non-binary. So in this journey I know finding out. There are actually a lot of people like me, but we're all still trying to figure it out and the community can't really help us because of their own biases. But some do want to, but some don't because of their own issues. Here I am trying to get help for my pain being discriminated by other massage therapists who are refusing me service when I come with my wife or I accidentally slip.

Speaker 1:

Instead of saying spouse say wife, these are the little effects of queer attachment trauma, all those mental things that we have to carry around that heteronormative society doesn't have to trip up over or even be giving any consideration to.

Speaker 2:

I also have a story of medical neglect. I started getting symptoms as a teenager a lot of systemic systems. So here I am, an athlete who does regular swimming, biking, running, playing outside, taking care of other kids, like I'm highly active and my knees sound like a 60 year old. And all of a sudden my energy crashes and I'm gaining weight even though I'm staying active. But I feel horrible brain fog. I go to the doctor and they're like oh, it's mono, but the test came back negative. But they didn't do anything. It just went from there. And of course, here we are years later 300 pounds and from being able to ballroom dance for eight hours a day to not being able to walk a block. And I wasn't just sitting on the couch eating bonbons, like I was doing everything Western medicine said to do, including like crazy exercises for hours a day on 500 calories a day, trying to do everything they told me to do In the hospital several times almost died several times just because of their neglect. Now it was an autoimmune disease and so I taught myself how to read research papers and I realized how interconnected the body was. That they do not put in medical textbooks, but research has proved it for over 40 years and they just won't incorporate it into their system. They just won't.

Speaker 2:

I'm dying trying to figure out how to heal myself, going through as much research as I can, putting it together slowly while working on my mental health so that I can actually enact the things I need to do to heal myself. And I'm like, why am I not a massage therapist? What else do I have to lose right now? So I started massage, realized I actually really love it, very good at it, and saw how much it can help with systemic pain, because at this point I am at chronic pain daily. I finally put it all together and realized how much massage helped. Just with some of that pain, got my medical massage certification and with all of that. I just understand how it all connects as much as anyone can, being a mere mortal and all that.

Speaker 2:

And it was incredible when I had my first client with chronic issues and a lot of trauma and we were massaging and I finally understood how to work the fascia and what the trigger points I needed to focus on. So I didn't overwork the body and was strategic and they had a breakdown on my table. And then I didn't see them for three months and I was like, oh no, what did I do? And then when they came back, they're like I've been pain free this whole time. Now I'm starting to feel the tension come back, which is why I'm coming back. But my life is better period, like they're. Like once they had that breakthrough, they were able to work through the obstacle in their life. It was keeping them stuck because, because massage is like any other modality, it's facilitation. You are your own healer. So it was me learning how to heal myself so that I can learn how to facilitate healing for others, especially complex systemic.

Speaker 1:

What is something that people can get wrong about massage as a healing practice versus like it's just self-care? And if I'm lucky, it's twice a year birthday and anniversary. We got a Groupon. Is that still around? I don't know.

Speaker 2:

Honestly that massage is only relaxing. That is so not true. It can be used as that kind of tool, but it is way more than that.

Speaker 1:

So myth one let's go with three myths. So myth one it is only for relaxation and that there are no risks.

Speaker 2:

Massage is a magical, safe thing, always for everyone. I wish that were true, but it's not.

Speaker 1:

Myth two there are no risks. I've done the Groupon massages, a couple massages, the cruise massage and I have someone here locally now and it's been just this like spectrum of experience between even towards the end you know they'll be like make sure you hydrate. Some will like really push that hard and some will give you a tiny Dixie cup Right, and like it's fine if you do or don't, you know.

Speaker 2:

And so it's interesting to just see, like how grounded they are and what your experience is and what it will be following the event, you know, because stuff continues to come off and shed sometimes post massage yeah, massage triggers a whole chain of systemic processes and if you do not know how to support yourself, you could be sore, you could feel like you have the flu, like a full body flu symptom, you could have mood regulation problems because massage affects the nervous system. So if you don't know how to support yourself and you're particularly stressed, you might have a massage, feel wonderful, get home and start snapping at everybody and then cry and you're like what's happening.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm never going back for massage again, right, anything to avoid feeling these feels. So how about then? Let's see, let's get a myth number three if you can pull one.

Speaker 2:

Oh, yes. So the third myth about massage is that it doesn't matter how you feel in the environment or anything like that. There's actually been studies, studies done on this. The safer you are, slash feel in the massage, the more effective the work is to go.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to book with you and I've never had massage before. I don't know anything about it. It's a little bit strange, right, maybe, if I've never done this. How does one begin to feel safe in their body, not knowing what to expect?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that one's tricky because that's a lot of information, which is why I wrote a book.

Speaker 1:

You wrote a book Segway Queen. Okay, what's the name of your book?

Speaker 2:

Neurodivergent Undressed to my. What now?

Speaker 1:

Undressed to my what now Get out of here. All right, I tried to have fun with it. I love that. Okay, what does your book detail?

Speaker 2:

Basically it goes over everything you need to know about massage to navigate it safely, including, like, what to expect in the different kinds of massage Because, like you referenced earlier, there's in-home, there's small business kinds of massage Because, like you referenced earlier, there's in-home, there's small business there's those huge chains, you can have a whole host of experiences.

Speaker 1:

I think anytime we go to something like this, if you're really trying to break this, just self-care and really like I'm adding this to my tool belt, things that I need in order to feel grounded moving through this thing called life right. What kind of benefit would one find if they were to even just had three massages?

Speaker 2:

Well, especially if they feel safe where they're going, they can see things like their nervous system being a little easier to regulate and areas of tension that built up faster, where then they would be hurting and aching.

Speaker 1:

Let's describe that we're sitting here. We're talking about somatics, right, Like it's essentially. What we're talking about is the body is also part of this ride and when we're not cued into it, we're missing out on a lot of what we're meant to be experiencing. So the somatics of this is learning to cue in to what's happening within, right, so explain in the body. What would tension and overwhelm, what could that feel like? Where would I know that that's manifesting?

Speaker 2:

Ooh see, that's a really good question, and it depends on exactly what's going on. You have chronic stress coursing through your system, and those chemicals are inherently inflammatory, and also, while all that's going on, it's causing problems with your nervous system. So your limbic system is deregulated because you're feeling these super intense emotions. And the limbic system is all about emotions. It's how it communicates to the body, how to express the emotion you're feeling. Well, the limbic system heavily influences the autonomic nervous system, which we think of as fight and flight and rest and digest. It's called the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. So now your limbic is being like no too many crazy emotions, and so then the autonomic is fight or flight, we will fight for you. And now you're stuck in that. So guess what you're not doing? Healing and digesting, and you need the digestion for the macronutrients to repair on a cellular level. You also need rest for that. If you're not resting, you're not healing. So now you're having all this wear and tear build up. Well, when that happens, that sets off even more inflammation, because inflammation is the chemical start of the healing process. The problem with inflammation, though, is that one of its many jobs is to boost the signal of your nociceptors, which is the fancy name for pain nerves. So now you have this noxious chemical mix that is water-soluble, stuck in your fascia, boosting the signal even more.

Speaker 2:

So what you will notice, especially in stuck in this fight and flight, where your body's like we've got to keep going forever, you're going to have these compensation patterns with nasty trigger points that are also increasing inflammation, which can cause pain and random things too, like you go to grip something and then you lose grip and you don't know why. Or you have a tickle in the back of your throat that never stops and you go to the doctor and the doctor's like you're fine, I don't know why you have this cough. Or you might get weird headaches or migraines, even when the weather's fine and your diet should be good enough. What's going on? It could also be things like stiffness or problems with sleeping. This kind of mix, especially for the nervous system, really messes up your sleep cycle, and it could be things like you go to reach for something and now you're stuck. Your body's like oh nope, we can't do that move anymore, not right now. And now you're walking like a Disney witch and you don't know why.

Speaker 1:

You mentioned your own self-care, top three things that you think are different than what society would call self-care that actually sustains you.

Speaker 2:

Oh, that's a good question. I define self-care as investing in yourself. So sometimes going to bed early, that's self-care, and in the end, it's about investing what's most elegant. So when I say elegant, what I mean is that you are taking steps that actually, that you can't afford to do, that actually build on each other. So in the case of a fictional person that goes in for cholesterol and the doctor's like you're just too fat, lose weight, what that person could have done was increase their water. Most people are super dehydrated and that dehydration makes it harder to change because stress is literally protecting homeostasis so that you survive. So when you need to make changes, you need to give your body the ability to actually make changes, and that includes hydration. You also could have started getting better quality rest. Those are both self-care that lay the groundwork so that when you finally are ready to change your diet, it actually works. It actually works.

Speaker 1:

If I were to like, let's say this was your second book that you're going to write, if you haven't already written a few props. To anyone who just put pen to paper I mean, wow, I have really met my discipline wall in this really attached adventure. I am so inspired. Anytime anyone's like that movie sucked, I'm like baby. Put it out there Like the fact that they busted through their own imposter syndrome, their own perfectionism, and they sent it and did it props. So there's my golf clap to you Snaps. Book number two might be entitled Investing in Yourself. So if we see this as investments and these are small deposits, right, we're just making these deposits into self Rest hydrate. When you say these things, one could say those are so simple. It does start to become more simple to make these investments. So maybe it's the consistency.

Speaker 2:

It is simple to do things authentically. So, when it comes from within. So when you're actually listening to your body, feeling how profoundly exhausted you are on all levels, then you can see. Okay, my first step needs to be I need to find ways to increase my rest, because I can't give any more. When you're trying to force, to prove something, that's when you start to hurt yourself, because now that change isn't authentic, it's not coming from within.

Speaker 1:

When we are feeling better, we're going to start to invest more. Right, it's this return on investment.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it's more the thoughts of well, this isn't enough. How will I prove I insert here lovable, attractive, successful, whatever you know, because we've been told that all those things are conditional on if others perceive it. But I can tell you as someone with complex PTSD so my brain pan is super fun that there are days where me just leaving the house and doing the barest minimum, no one else can see it. That's my success. That day Did the impossible because I had only this much to invest and I made it work.

Speaker 1:

I am also someone who I kind of like say to people like I appear able-bodied, right, it's an internal thing that you're not, you're not, you don't know my spoon game, I'll say on the flip side of that, I lost many years thinking about that as just the doom and gloom of my life and then realized there are days where it is not that. And how am I spending those days? The reason why I keep massage on my schedule is it is literally my way to give back to my body, to say thank you. When you can lay on a massage table, tune into the breath and really give permission for your body to receive that work. It feels sacred. To me and from a practitioner who also feels similarly about like energy and space, it's a beautiful experience.

Speaker 2:

It really is and, as a practitioner, that's one of the many things I do is set the space so that, if you're ready and willing, you can do that. I'm not going to shame, guilt, laugh. Emotions are just a part of the experience and that means that it's finally being processed, which means it's unstuck, which means now you're fast, you can heal which means you don't have to be in pain forever.

Speaker 2:

It's trying to protect us. So the body's holding on to it because you can't process it yet, so that you can stay functional until you're ready. The problem is most people can't slash, won't create the space and time for themselves and, honestly, a lot of us don't know how to. I've come to the hard way, against the odds, the and, honestly, a lot of us don't know how to. I've come to the hard way, against the odds. The perspective of everything we experience is actually here to help us.

Speaker 2:

When I went to focus on shame with keeping that in mind that it's actually here to help me, somehow I understood shame is actually the opposite of love and it's there for a reason. When I finally faced my shame and realized it was just a form of a short-sighted survival technique to help you get out of the situation you were in, what I found under the shame every time was a wound I hadn't healed. Emotions get trapped in the body If you cannot process them. They get stored in your fascia For the water-soluble chemicals and then, for the fat-soluble chemicals. They get stored in your adcia for the water-soluble chemicals and then, for the fat-soluble chemicals, they get stored in your adipose tissue and I failed anatomy twice because the lab part was gross.

Speaker 1:

But I do remember some of that stuff and the emotions. They're here as messengers. We are taught to push them away and to just, you know, we could have, would have, should have, not feel that we gaslight ourselves about our own emotions. Emotions, and it is one of the coolest features we have.

Speaker 2:

so so tell me how you have helped folks through massage I energetically create a safe space for people to do what they are willing to do. I never force anything, never, because that's also a part of it. Uh, the truth is we are our own healers period. Everybody else is just a healing facilitator, and that includes me, and that is how I approach it. So then while I'm massaging it, depending on that person's goals like if they come in and they just want to relax, then I won't do any medical stuff or precision stuff.

Speaker 1:

You have to choose to allow to go there and to have a facilitator on the other side that holds the space is so crucial. That's where I will shout out guides, coaches, therapists, anyone who is guiding in this way of healing. I think it's a worthy work because we aren't taught this and it's keeping so many of us entrapped in our own bodies and almost like stuck in this cycle of pain and there's often a sacrifice attached. But healing begins with pain, it just does.

Speaker 2:

that's a sign of healing it is very common when you get a massage to have stuff come up. So I will have people like I don't want to talk, I just want relaxing massage. I'm like okie dokie, whatever this is, you know, I'm just a facilitator Sure, and they get on the table and then we start massaging. I'm not talking and they bring up work, so, and that's because they are finally in a safe space and they finally are in their parasympathetic nervous system enough that they can start to process, and so they do. Then my job is to keep it judgment-free and shame-free and just be supportive with them in that space. There's a lot of power in just being with someone in their pain or their fear or their stress, their grief, just being with them and accepting that this is where they are right now and that's okay. It's from within. That's the important part. You're creating your own reality from within by how you align with yourself and the world around you.

Speaker 2:

I'm one of the few massage businesses openly markets as LGBTQ plus owned. The queer community is struggling egregiously with this while we're being targeted, so they need help the most anyway. And the disabled community is also being targeted and I'm certified in PTSD and anxiety and depression and various disabilities and health conditions, so that I can provide massage care safely to a whole groups that are being neglected by the system and being targeted by the system. What I just tell people is that we live in a society where we are told that there are only values in what we can give to others, when the truth is we don't have value to give if we don't give to ourselves first, because you can only give what you have, and so massage is just another way to invest in yourself, just period.

Speaker 2:

And also that there are a lot of ways to invest in yourself. If money is an obstacle, and you might be able to reach out to that massage therapist and ask do you offer 30 minutes or do you offer some kind of reduced payment or do you have sales? So there are ways around it, and some therapists can barter, some can't, and some can at certain times and some can't. So you can always reach out and ask what is available for help with financial aspects of it, and there are a lot of tools, and there are even things like you can get oxytocin from looking yourself in the air for 30 seconds, or even holding your own hand or a weighted blanket. There are a lot of solutions out there to help you regulate while dealing with well everything we all have to.

Speaker 1:

What are you currently offering as far as like how people can work with you?

Speaker 2:

Well, so obviously I offer custom massage because of my specialty. That normally means they're coming to me because they get headaches and migraines, so they want me to do medical for their neck and shoulders, a full body relaxation. You know, for medical massage versus custom massage, you would book that one. If you have something you really want me to work out and focus on, like, let's say, your lower back is killing you and you really want that worked out. For the first session I have everybody come to me for safety reasons. But then after that I do offer in-home for the people that need it, and I do have clients that use it, especially if they have mobility complications, where it's hard to get out of their house and make it here, or if their health is so compromised that they are high risk for getting really sick just from catching a cold.

Speaker 1:

Then I'll go to them, and so do you find, as someone who does this all day, every day? Do you also receive massage? Because I would my hands would be busted man yeah, it might be a little good, I just wouldn't be able to handle it. I just can't. That's too much handwork, sorry, totally fair.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I get regular massages, but I also do a lot of self-care, which is something that is included in all services I offer, where afterwards I will be like would you like something to empower your healing that you can do for yourself in between sessions. If they say yes, then we get to work and I educate them on what to do and I'm building my YouTube channel with all this information to those who are like yeah, I want to self invest in this or at least get the book.

Speaker 1:

Where does someone local here in Missouri, Kansas City area, Like how do they connect you? Where do we find you?

Speaker 2:

Well, so right now I'm on Queer Connect and Blue Sky. I'm building up my LinkedIn.

Speaker 1:

Hey, this was a really great chat, so thanks for being here. I like to end with a little affirmation. I'm going to grab my little book, all right, if you will give me a page number between pages 48 to 198. 113. All right, this is this little book called Affirmations for Queer People. All right, 113. Here she goes. I release any shame I've internalized. You have the power to release any shame you might feel about your identity or your journey as a queer person. If you can acknowledge and release any shame you might have internalized, you create space for self-acceptance, love and growth, and I just really want to thank you. I had fun too.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for having me. Yeah, absolutely All right. We'll see you next time.