Episode 7: Summer Without Social Media

This seventh episode is about mental health. Around the start of May, I noticed a familiar problem. Or, I should say — a familiar collection of problems. 

Transcript

Before we get to the topic of this podcast, I want to thank Ken White — a well-known American attorney whose online name is Popehat. I’ll explain the reason for this thanks at the end.

I’m a teacher. I work for myself, starting my own business — Donald’s English Corner — during the COVID pandemic. And you know… I love it. I wouldn’t trade away anything about what I’ve built to help people on every continent. I’m particularly proud of the relationships. Students trust me to help them on their language journey — whether that path is professional or personal. They contact me via email or messenger at all hours, sharing comments, concerns, questions — even photos and videos! I have never felt taken advantage of or intruded upon; rather, exactly the opposite: I am proud of being someone that others can trust.

I think that I am a pretty good teacher. And I do not say this to brag. I say this because I had forgotten it.

Around the start of May, I noticed a familiar problem. Or, I should say — a familiar collection of problems. I often felt tired. I stopped doing the activities which I enjoyed. I failed to honor deadlines. Meeting with students became something I had to do rather than something I enjoyed doing.  

I stopped making videos for Instagram. I would record a video; but, delete it during the editing process because I looked overweight, or ugly, or old. Seeing my own body made me feel bad.

I abandoned writing the podcast. I stopped writing because it seemed that nobody cared. The content was boring or useless. I cringed at the sound of my voice.

By the end of May, I couldn’t ignore any longer that something about life had gone wrong.

So, I went to see my doctor. I need to say clearly here that she’s wonderful. She matches my dry sense of humor. She speaks to me as an intelligent person who happens to need help. Her empathy is what lifts her up from being a good doctor to a great doctor.

I was there in her office one morning in early June. I told her how I had been feeling. She asked questions, which lead to the kind of conversation that only happens when the people speaking trust each other. I cried. A lot. But I didn’t feel at all embarrassed. These feelings had happened before.

What was the problem that made me go to the doctor?

I have been managing depression since I was a teenager in the 1990’s. I remember when it started; or, when I became aware of it. And… yes, I was a teenager in the 1990’s. Feel free to do the math if you’d like to figure out my age. :)

People experience depression in a lot of different ways. In my life, depression acts like a tide: it comes in and out. Also, it can be low or high. You can use whichever words are easier to remember. Most of the time, the tide of depression is out / or low. Life during low tide is “normal.” The low tide allows me to say honestly that “I’m doing well, thanks” when someone asks how I am. Because it’s true.

When the tide is in / or high? That is when life stops feeling normal. I have to lie, or pretend, when people ask me how I am. The answer might be the same — I’m doing well, thanks — but it’s not true.  When the tide is at its highest, I can hear a voice. It seems to arrive quietly on a boat. I refer to this voice as “my old friend,” because of how long it has been with me. But, the voice is not a friend.

Okay, I don’t want to bum out anyone so I’ll get back to the story!

My doctor recommended a change in medication. The chemistry of my brain may have changed; or, the environment of my life may have changed. Maybe changes happened to both areas. It wasn’t possible for either of us at that moment to know for sure but I did have a prescription for a new medication. This was important. That prescription represented a plan for hope written on a small white rectangle.

I started taking the new medication right away. I noticed the change after a week: the tide of depression lowered. I felt better. I felt more like myself. It worked!

I used this time as an experiment. I put into practice all of the coping skills learned from a lifetime of managing depression. I stayed focused on my students, my family, and the abundant joy of life in Chicago.

And — again — it worked! I again felt like a good teacher while in class. I felt useful while editing CVs and reviewing academic essays. I enjoyed reading and responding to student’s messages. I began enjoying taking the dogs for walks, and taking my bike for a ride along Lake Michigan.

It felt great! It seemed that the question of chemistry had been answered!

Yet, the question of a change in my environment was still present. So I stayed away from social media (except to post a silly video about the Eurocopa). I wanted to take one step at a time.

Then I sat down one morning in late June to write an Instagram post. I hadn’t done anything with social media for over a month. Within minutes of loading the site, I felt a familiar feeling. The tide was rising. It splashed there at my feet. I thought for sure it must have been a coincidence. But it wasn’t. The tide kept rising as I scrolled through the feed minute after minute.  When the water had reached my knees, I closed the browser window and sat at my desk to think. The disappointment was awful.

The question of environment had just been answered.

I had said earlier that I was a good teacher. I didn’t say it to brag. Really.  I said it because it was necessary to remind myself. To say the words and to hear the words. For over a year, I have been trying to be more than a good teacher. I have been trying also to be a social media personality.

I need to make another stop for a moment to say something to Anna. Anna: You are wonderful. Your advice and strategies were awesome. I wouldn’t change anything. I will not change anything. 

So, back to the story: My relationship with social media has been purely a one-way street. I would create content in the hope of helping someone, somewhere better understand the English language or American culture. My focus was on other people. However… I had never considered whether — or how — social media might affect me. Sitting at my desk in June, I realized that the relationship between me and social media was not a one-way street. It was, in fact, a remarkably important two-way street.

Social media amplifies my insecurities. What I mean by that is it makes small feelings become much, much larger. If a video didn’t get many comments or likes, I would feel like a terrible failure. I felt embarrassed. I assumed that everything I had tried to do was a waste of time. That I was stupid, ugly, and useless. These feelings are not pleasant. At all. But, they are real. I had experienced them before.

I stopped using social media back in 2016. Facebook especially gave a stage for people to show their private bigotries. Hate became normal: racism, sexism, homophobia. People — many of whom I knew as reasonable and polite — shared their cruelty openly. The algorithm rewarded the worst voices. Being exposed to the never-ending feed of awfulness made me feel awful.

I did not use social media again until 2022. Six years had passed between the time that I deleted my personal Facebook account and when I opened an Instagram account for Donald’s English Corner. And here’s the kicker: I never gave any thought to how using social media for work might affect my personal mental health. This is an embarrassing thing to admit. Why? Because I knew it was possible (there is a lot of science about this) — yet I thought myself above the risk. But I was not. Not at all. What surprised me back in June was that – what I saw on Instagram was videos of happy friends, of dogs, national parks, and other English teachers. The content was entirely pleasant… so, why did I have such a negative reaction to it?

I was unconsciously — and unfairly —  comparing my life to the lives I saw on Instagram. And, the comparison came up short. Everybody, it seemed, was happier than me. The world far from my house was more beautiful. The English teachers were younger, more creative, and simply better than me.

And so I decided to stay away from social media until I could figure out how best to manage its effects.

It has been a rousing success. I am sharing this story — on social media, no less — because the desire to be creative in that space has returned. I want to create silly videos about vocabulary. I’d like very much to record and share some podcast episodes I wrote.

My interactions with social media will be far more careful because I better understand the risk. How, you might wonder? Well, I have a plan now. The plan should allow me to help students in a creative and public way. It should also balance my relationship to the experience. To say it differently: the plan is to stay aware that I am a teacher first. Everything else I do is extra. Icing on the cake. The cherry on top.

It’s late August. Summer is almost over — though, nobody would know it today. It’s almost 100F / 38C. The personal journey I realized over this past season has been difficult but also rewarding. It feels good again to say honestly that I am a pretty good teacher. The tide of depression may again rise one day. And that’s okay. I feel much more educated and supported now than I did in May. These experiences will better prepare me to help my students achieve their goals. Being a good teacher and a healthy human being are worth protecting… without fear, shame, or stigma.

Thank you to Ken White, aka Popehot. He is a brilliant thinker and an excellent explainer of the law. He has shared — on social media! — his own stories of mental health struggle. His bravery directly inspired me to think and write about my own struggles. I encourage everyone to listen, read, and learn from Ken. You’ll find his work by searching for his online name Popehat.