Shifts After Loss

What does real change look like after loss when life refuses to move in straight lines? We open up about shifts—those subtle, everyday pivots that slowly rebuild a sense of self. From becoming the only decider in a home to finding the courage to attend a workout class after years of false starts, we trace how tiny choices and honest check-ins add up to meaningful healing.

We talk through the identity flip that happens when a partner dies, the decision fatigue that follows, and the slow return of confidence as you learn new skills and carry new roles. There’s space for the complicated stuff too: how families grieve the same person in different ways, how boundaries protect scarce energy, and why anticipatory grief can feel heavier than the day you’re bracing for. Along the way, we share the practical supports that helped—medication lifting the fog enough to try again, movement becoming a grounded hour, and pets tuning into our energy with quiet care.

Environment and timing matter. Selling a house, sleeping on the floor of a new place with only blankets and pets, or watching a child launch into the world can unlock old feelings and start new ones. We name the milestones that deserve celebration, like speaking a loved one’s name without tears, laughing at familiar quirks we now share, and appreciating the unseen labor our partners once held. The throughline is simple: notice the shifts and honor them, because they are the road you’re walking.

If this conversation helps you feel a little lighter or more seen, share it with a friend who might need it, subscribe for more honest grief talks, and leave a review to help others find the show. What small shift are you honoring this week?

Transcript

Welcome And New Year Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hi. Welcome to your friend in grief, a podcast for anyone learning who they are after life. I'm Melinda, and I'm here with Milani, and we're so grateful you're here. This is a space where grief is honored, healing is not rushed, and your heart is allowed to feel everything it feels. Milani and I are walking this path with you through honest conversation, shared stories, and the kind of friendship that holds you up on the days you need it most. Welcome in, friends. Welcome in, Melani.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Hello, Melinda.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

How are you?

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Hello, friend.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

How are you today? By the way, your hair looks fantastic.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Thank you. Starting the new year off with the feeling a little lighter.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

I love that. I love that. Um, so one thing we did to start off the new year is we consolidated our wheel, and it is all on one big wheel.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

There's a lot of we we took out the categories and everything is yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

It's just one big wheel. So you ready? You ready for? Okay, let's. Good vibes.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

There you go.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

What does a shift look like? That's funny. Ah, we just we just had that conversation personally. Yes. Last night. Um what is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of what a shift is?

SPEAKER_01 1:45

A shift in perspective. Um almost maybe just a kind of like an exhale. Um like something just shifts within you, and you s and you say, This is what I've been feeling, this is what I don't want to feel, this is what I'm gonna be doing differently. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

How about you?

SPEAKER_00 2:11

I I feel the same, and it's and it can be a small shift.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Like it can be a small shift, I think. And it doesn't have to be major, it doesn't have to be huge, and it can be small kind of baby steps, right? Um the first thing that comes to mind is the shift that I have that I'm now going to work out twice a week. And I have since November, like since end of November. So that has been a huge shift for me. Um, and it's taken five and a half years to get there. I've started and stopped many times, but now I'm not stopping. And I think that's because starting and stopping, you can have little shifts where you start and stop. And that's and that's not wrong.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

No.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

It's it's part, it's part of the process, I think, of growing, healing, taking little baby steps forward. Even if you take one step forward, two steps back, three steps forward, one step back. It's all progress.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Well, it's all our journey is always kind of a there's twists and turns, and sometimes we go backwards.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Forward that shift, right? Yeah. Um, I think also sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit for the shifts because I think we call them baby steps and we call them little shifts, but you don't really recognize at the time that it's really a bigger shift than what we led on to be.

From Partnered To Solo Decider

SPEAKER_00 3:42

I think that's a great point. I think that's a great point. What are some of obviously shifts look different in the beginning than the middle and then in the later days of you know our journey? What what are some shifts that you recognized within yourself? From what part of the journey? Anything that comes to mind.

SPEAKER_02 4:06

Hmm.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

Okay, well, the first really obvious one when we lost Dennis was that my role in our family immediately shifted.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

Oh right.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

I was um not the ultimate decider, right? Dennis was always the ultimate decider. Um and then I became the only decider, which you know, I resented the shit out of, right?

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Because that's the worst.

SPEAKER_01 4:44

Like just like angry and pissed off that you got to be that person when you had somebody else to bounce stuff off of, you know, and and um yeah, so there was another shift where I initially found it very difficult to make decisions, and that had not been an issue for me before because I had somebody to bounce it off of. And, you know, some of the stuff that comes up, you're not bouncing off of a 13-year-old.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

No, no, you're not.

SPEAKER_01 5:17

And you know, there was some stuff that I could kind of um bounce stuff off of Jackson. Who is who is a wise old soul, by the way? Right. Um, but there there's just some stuff that's not appropriate. And I I really struggled with making decisions. Like I would just be like, uh and then I would be pissed that I was struggling. Right. Um and so later on, when I got more comfortable in that role, there was another shift because then I was able to make decisions.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

You know, the faster.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Right. And and then there comes a time when you're like, I'm tired of doing it all.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

Yes.

Early Tasks And Tiny Wins

SPEAKER_00 6:02

And that's another shift, right? And I think it is. I think it's really interesting as we think about this. Like, I didn't think about this when we were putting it as a category as a topic, but I think I think the journey is just riddled with shifts. It's just all shifts. We're talking about how I was saying that the the journey itself is really made up of little shifts along the way. It's it's because we know it's not a straight line, we know it's not any of those things. And it can be three steps forward, two steps back, three steps forward, one step back. It's little progress. It's progress, and I don't want to call it little, but it is progress, and it's built on, I think, on these shifts more than I'd never thought about it until we were just talking about it now, because even a small thing like being able to get out of bed and take care of yourself and your animals, like, you know, once I sold the house, then I had to like start my healing. I actually had to delay my grief a little bit, like I felt it, but I had to delay the grief until I finally was moved and things were in storage and the house was sold, and then it was like, then I could collapse. And then it was, you know, I may have stayed in my pajamas two or three days. You know, um, just being numb to everything. And a shift there would be being able to go out and do things, go maybe go have breakfast or focus on something, paying a bill or doing something like that.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

And I think that those are little shifts that we need to acknowledge because it is progress along the path, but there are things like you were talking about where the shift in responsibility.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Yes, which was huge. For me, that was huge because I I I felt like I might make some mistakes with some of my decisions. And I felt like because my decisions directly affected Jackson, I really didn't I didn't want to make mistakes. Of course, we make mistakes, right? It's ridiculous to think that, you know, we don't make mistakes. But I didn't I didn't feel like I had the luxury of making a mistake because I needed to get it right for Jackson because the stakes were so high.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

You know.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

Totally, I totally get that. And you know, the shift in responsibility is a hard one because look, I know there are single parents, there are single individuals, and everybody manages their lives, right? There are people that do this every day of their life. But after having a partner for 22 years and selling a house, taking care of animals, taking care of the bills, managing all the things that we had going on and needing to take care of, it was overwhelming. Even the even the smallest tasks. I mean, and I became very because I couldn't bounce anything off mic, or because I didn't have that that partnership, that constant, I became very self-critical and very like I lost my confidence. I lost the confidence to be who I was before. And that's a shift that played into professional, personal, all the things. So in addition to losing my person, I also lost confidence in myself.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Which you know, it's not easy to hold that right when you're when you're broken, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:56

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 9:57

When you're sad and you just feel like, ew.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

Yes, exactly. And I think that probably more people feel like that than we recognize because it's not just it's not just the one loss, it's the shift in responsibility, it's the shift in, you know, I had to, I had to take on the responsibility of managing the relationship with my mother-in-law at the time. She has since passed, but now that became one of my responsibilities that had never been my responsibility before. Right. And because she lost her son, she needed more contact. And that was hard on me too. And I think all of those shifts, we don't think about the relationships where people may need more of you when there's less of you to give.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:52

Um, but I can't even imagine how it is with kids.

Confidence Lost And Rebuilt

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Like that has to be Well, I I you know, I I think we went through the same thing that you did. And we still had these shifts, right? And um and you just brought up a really good point about how you had lost your husband, but your mother-in-law had lost her son. Yeah, right. And I had lost my husband, but my children lost their dad, you know, and my in-laws lost their brother. I mean, like we lose the same person, but we all feel the loss differently, right? And it's it is hard to give of yourself to somebody else when you're at a deficit.

SPEAKER_03 11:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Um, but uh how how do I look at my kid and say, I don't have anything to give you?

SPEAKER_00 11:44

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

Right? So my stuff gets put on hold.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

Right? And I I have to I gotta push through.

SPEAKER_00 11:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

And you know, it some would some days it was fake it until you make it. Some days it was like, put on the smile, like let's just pretend we're good.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

Yeah, and I I think I I think this is where I lost some friendships along the way because I had people around me that needed more of me than I could give at the time. And I just had nothing left. Right. It was everything I had to get up and feed the cats every day and feed myself something and you know, take care of whatever payments need to be needed to be made or whatever the realtor needed for the house to be sold. Like I could only keep it together for so long.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

It the one thing I will say in defense of those people is that for some of them, they don't know until they've actually gone through it, right? Because I wouldn't have known what any of this felt like had I not had a significant loss, had I not lost a son, had I not lost a husband, had I not lost a sister. Right.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

And I'm really grateful that you said that because I absolutely have no ill will towards them. It was just the circumstances, and it was that I had nothing left to give.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

And I just didn't know how to express that. I didn't, because I had friends who wanted to like grieve with me, and I'm like, I found out, Milani, I'm a solitary griever. When I'm sad, I want to be by myself. I don't want to be, I don't talk to me, leave me alone. I just need to sit with it and be sad, mad, any of the feelings. And people that were like, oh, you know, that wanted to be there in the middle of it, I I couldn't. And I pushed them away because that's just not what I could do, right? Right. And and I think that's another, you know, that's another piece of this shift is your energy. Yes. And your boundaries. You know, it's all part of the same conversation, but everything shifts. Everything changes.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

And I think that is there anything that doesn't?

Shared Loss, Different Grief

SPEAKER_00 14:04

No. There's nothing. I mean, the tiniest things in your life have changed. The tiniest. Right. Like, you know, who's taking out the garbage all the time now? Like, it's me. The cats won't do it. You know, it's like, as much as I would love for it. Right. As much as I would love for them to like pick up a, you know, I would I would buy them more toys if, you know, if they could, you know, get an allowance every week for taking, yeah, for taking, you know, take a take a chore. Take a chore, get a toy.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

Uh like a treasure chest.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

Yes. Yes, you do a chore, you get a cat toy. But yeah, unfortunately, the thumbs are not there. And so, yeah, no, the cuddles are there. So that's about it. That's but that's still that's comforting. But priceless, priceless. But it but it it is it the little things become so hard, and you kind of don't recognize yourself in these shifts, right? Like, but then there's bigger shifts that when the first time you can talk about them and not cry. Sure. That's a big one.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

I I celebrate that one because I love to talk about Mike.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

And it's an absolute celebration that I can say his name without crying because man, the first year or so, I couldn't say his name without crying. Now, there are doesn't mean there are not times now. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

I'm not upset. But there were sort of these things that I did recognize like that, where it was a little easier to talk about him.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:49

Or, you know, for the last five and a half years, I've tried to do some kind of exercise. I've tried, I've tried videos, I've tried home equipment, I've tried yoga, I've tried all the things at home, and it didn't kick in. Five and a half years it took till it stuck. And now it's an outlet for me.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

But for five and a half years I couldn't do it. Yeah. And that's a major shift.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

Um I don't think I mean, what's different now than three years ago, four years ago? Like, why could you do it now, but you couldn't do it before?

SPEAKER_00 16:31

I'd like to say my mindset, but I'm I'm not certain that it was all of that. I think uh candidly, I think some of them might have been the supplements uh for my mental health. Um and you know, let's be clear, I want to be very honest and open about mental health. Um, getting on Prozac was a huge thing for me, and that was a huge shift. Um recognizing that I needed a little something to help me, uh, and that was a big shift for me, actually. Because then I started to, I don't know, it just changed. Things changed.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

That was right about the time you and I met.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

It was, it was that I was just starting that, and I think, you know, and it's funny how these things happen, right? How they snowball. Like that happened, and then you know, I took the class and we met, and I was probably more open. I was feeling not so heavy with things. And um, you know, I think as time has gone on, I 2025 has been an incredible year of in general a shift for me overall. I think I think I tried to do a lot of things to keep my mind busy and occupied.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Nothing wrong with that.

Boundaries, Energy, And Humor

SPEAKER_00 17:52

But and and things I never thought I would do, and things that have been hard and things that have been challenging, but I've made it through and I'm feeling more confident about them. And I think, in some ways, having all those things, working from home at my day job, having other business type things at home, it kind of became overwhelming to me. And I'm like, I gotta get out of the house. Even for like an hour. Because I, you know, candidly, I don't leave my house much. I'm, you know, that, you know, but that's okay, right? Like we are in a time of working from home and trying to decompress from the world and you know, daily stress and all the things. And so now twice a week, I look as I don't look forward to it, but then I'm happy that I'm there and I'm only focused on that. And it's really changed my mindset, I think. Just in the few weeks that I've been doing it. Um and I think that that's big a been a big change for me. And I think maybe it was everything in 2025 that just kind of led up to it. And so I think it's you don't recognize the changes, it's only when you look back on them.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

So you talked about your confidence levels dropping before. Maybe it's it was just a shift in your confidence levels and they're re they're you know, replenished now.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

So it could be, yeah, it absolutely could be. Yeah, to have the confidence to walk into a c an actual class with someone teaching and strangers and strangers, yes. And going to do your thing and not feeling self-confident, not not feeling self-conscious. Yeah. And be like, this is fine, this is what I gotta do. Right. So, yeah. I mean, have you noticed I mean, you've had a lot of you've had a lot of changes in your life this past year. Yes. More than more than probably most. I mean, I would say probably the biggest changes since you've had your losses have been this year. And I wonder if some of them were precipitated by smaller shifts.

Talking Without Tears As A Milestone

SPEAKER_01 20:20

Well, I don't even know if I can talk about this without feeling emotional because I think I'm st I think I'm still a little bit in it, right? Right. Um maybe not a little bit, maybe but a lot of okay. So well, let's just put it out there. Uh my last child at home graduated high school in May and then went off to Navy boot camp in September. Um, graduated in November, and is now in uh Mississippi for A school. So and it and it's been I'm a big anticipator. Um, I think they call it anticipatory grief.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

Oh yes, absolutely the anticipatory grief.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

It's coming. Right. Um and I I feel a lot of stuff before something happens versus like when the actual day comes, right? Like I'll be a mess before, and then when the day comes, I'm like, okay, just like take a big breath and like jump in, and then I'm okay afterwards. Um, so I pretty much spent all of Jackson's senior year anticipating his graduation. And I was a mess, yes, I will absolutely admit. And I would be like in the car thinking about him graduating, and then I would just start crying, like I'd be at a light and I would just start crying. And I can't tell you how many times like somebody would pull up next to me and be like, Are you okay? Because I'm in the car crying.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

And completely understandably why.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

You know, and then he he goes off to boot camp, and I and um I dropped him off in Colombia, which is more than an hour's drive from here.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

And um But but you can't have contact with them.

SPEAKER_01 22:17

No, that's that was a huge thing, like just not and they give you like this weird little scripted phone call when they arrive, and you really can't like second, so you can't say anything, and there's no conversation, you know. Um, but when I was driving home, it was the first time I had been in the car for an extended period by myself without Jackson in the car, and that felt so much like when we lost Evan or when we lost Dennis, because all of a sudden you have this person who's part of your daily life, and all the they're not there anymore, and you feel the void, right? Yes, and um feeling all of this stuff as my life transitions out of being in mom mode and into Milani mode, I guess you want to call it, because I still don't know where I'm at yet. Um, right. I a lot of these changes, because we recognize that all change is loss, right? Yep, a lot of these changes that I was feeling with Jackson moving on brought back a lot of my old feelings.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

I'm sure it did.

SPEAKER_01 23:28

You know, so here I was like thinking, oh my god, because I I'm February, we were 20 years out from losing Evan, and here I was like thinking, I'm 20 years out, and boom, I I'm shifting back into some of that stuff, of course, right?

Exercise, Medication, And Momentum

SPEAKER_00 23:43

So, yeah. I and and so two things I wanna I want to ask one question. Do you think that the little shifts happen before like I want to say an earthquake? It's almost like shift, shift, shift, shift, shift, and then it just blows up.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

Um God, I hope not, because that means it's coming.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

Well, but I think maybe you're handling it differently, right? You're acknowledging your feelings. You are sitting with them more. I mean, you've been through so many losses in your life that I think you've handled them all differently because you've learned from each. And so I don't know that there is like an expectation of like a an explosion on this one. I feel like because you're trying to figure out who you are while being an empty nester, while have you know, having raised humans, like you did a great job. You've got great humans.

SPEAKER_02 24:44

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 24:45

Um, and I but I'm you know, it's just interesting because it's like it's small and it just kind of builds, and I think if we don't address those, then it could explode, right?

SPEAKER_01 24:53

Like absolutely. So I think what's different this go round is that um I have the opportunity, I don't have to focus on anybody else right now. I have the opportunity to be quiet, to exhale, to only focus on my feelings, to address my feelings, right? Right. So I think that's the big difference this time. Whereas before, like I said, you you just sometimes you just have to, you know, suck it up buttercup and go do what needs to be done.

SPEAKER_00 25:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Um, you know, there would be times I would be feeling terrible and I had to take Jackson to a soccer game or a soccer practice. So, you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

Yeah, and it's different. Now you can be like, I'm not feeling great. I'm gonna stay in bed or I'm gonna rest or I'm gonna take care of me.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Right. Like, I'm feeling a little funky right now, and I I actually can say that I'm feeling funky. Right. Because I don't have to do something else right now, and let me let me see what I need to do with this, if anything at all, because not everything needs, right?

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Yeah. Um, yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. That makes complete sense. Something you said I wanted to to circle back on because it is something that I recognized about myself very early on. And it is almost that, it is that like that anticipatory grief where I was always more upset on the days leading up to the day Mike died, his birthday, the holidays, like all of those things. And I don't know if it's I think it is the anticipation, yes, and the expectation of it's coming, it's coming, it's coming. And then you get to that day and it's different, and you're it there's a shift. Right. It's just that anticipation of that date. And I wanted to acknowledge that because I think a lot of people probably feel that too, that it's just like I'm a wreck. Yes, or I was a wreck when I was leading up to the like, oh my gosh, like it was the worst.

Empty Nest And Anticipatory Grief

SPEAKER_01 26:59

Absolutely. Like the day of Jackson's gr high school graduation, I pull out my purse and I'm like pulling the tissues from the tissue box, and I'm going and going and going. And somebody walked by me and was like, You got enough tissues? And and I was like, No, because I think I'm gonna be a mess. I was fine. I think I had like one or two tears, right? But if I sit down now and think about, like, if I can picture the graduation song, Pomp and Circumstance playing, I will start crying.

SPEAKER_00 27:31

Right. Well, and I think this is I I think you're also feeling a little fresh because you just said goodbye to Jackson a few days ago.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

I did. And okay, so this is another thing, like it's it's been in stages, right? So he went off to boot camp, and then the whole time I'm thinking, okay, I just I just gotta make it to his graduation, and I can see him in in November, right? And so then in November, when we said goodbye after his graduation, I was like, okay, just need to make it to Christmas because I know I'm gonna see him over the holidays. Okay, so holidays came and went. Um, you know, bravo to all of us who made it through.

SPEAKER_00 28:16

Absolutely, absolutely, another year of holidays down.

SPEAKER_01 28:21

And he finished cleaning out his room while he was here, which was really helpful. And the rest of his stuff left his room yesterday. And and I I have opened up his bedroom door a few times and just kind of like peeked my head in and looked.

SPEAKER_00 28:40

And yeah. And it's yeah, you're still in it, you're still absolutely in it. And you know, I think I don't think that you recognize the little shifts when you're first in it, when you're first in the throes of grief. I think as you start to look back on things, as you have some perspective, I think. Hindsight. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

And I think it's 2020, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

Yeah, and I think that that's when we can recognize within ourselves of like that was a shift. It may not be something like within the zigzagging path. It's not maybe necessarily a pinpoint, but it's like, oh yeah, that kind of time frame was, yeah, I did this or I did this. And you know, moving into my I moved into an apartment. Um gosh, how many months is that? July to February, August, September, September, November, December. Seven, eight months? Seven, eight months. I moved into my own apartment. I was living with family, uh, friends, and moving into my own apartment in February, that was a whole nother thing. And then that July, I moved into my house that was ready. Right. And like I didn't have any furniture the first night. I brought blankets, pillows, and the cats, and we all slept on the floor. Right. No, no blinds on the windows, no nothing. And it felt different. And I feel like once I got here, I was finally able to start grieving like in a whole different way. Right. Like almost in the way I was supposed to. Like, because I felt like I was holding back just to survive. Yes. And I and I think that's probably really what it was. It was survival, right? And then finally having a place to land that was my own, that was a big, a big shift for me.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

Well, also maybe you um felt safe in your own space now, and and when we feel safe in our own space, we're we're free to be. Yeah. Whatever we need to be, right? It could have been a little bit of that too.

SPEAKER_00 30:59

Yeah, I think it could have been. And but I think it's important just to like recognize the small shifts and the fact that which are not always small. They're not always small.

SPEAKER_01 31:11

Yeah.

Staged Goodbyes And Fresh Waves

SPEAKER_00 31:11

They're not always small, but each one of them represents sort of a marker, a milestone within the journey that this was a turning point. And this was something else. And maybe it's something when you learned something about yourself, right? Right. When you recognized of like, where is all my confidence gone? I didn't used to be this wishy-washy.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

You know, I didn't like what am I supposed to do with my, you know, which health benefits am I supposed to take? I'm this used to be an afternoon event at our house, and it was like, damn it, now I have to choose the benefits. It's like, okay, yeah. So it's a lot of those things. Um, what else, what else do you want to say about shifts? I think, I mean, I feel like that's the crux of it, that being aware of them and acknowledging them.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

Absolutely. Uh, you know, being proud of yourself for even being aware of them, self-awareness as a whole, you know, not everybody has that. Yeah. You know, it's it's wonderful and painful at the same time. Um I think also a shift in appreciation, right? Like yes, I loved my husband, but I I have a greater appreciation for his role in our family than I did um, you know, after losing him than when he was alive. I understand that too. He took on a lot as the leader of our family. He did a lot of things. Stuff I never had to worry about.

SPEAKER_00 32:57

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Mike, Mike did so many things that I never had to worry about or take care of. He either liked doing it or he was good at it, or he knows he knew I hated it, or you know, whatever else. And now it's it's but I I do have the appreciation for all the things he did and for the partnership we had. Right. And um, but I I think you're right, there is that appreciation.

SPEAKER_02 33:27

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 33:28

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:31

Does it make you feel like a shit a little bit? Like, oh, I should have been more aware of my what my partner's contribution, you know.

SPEAKER_00 33:42

Of course. I mean, I appreciated him when he was here, and I loved him and I told him all the time. And I just, you know, his love language was acts of service. That was that was what he did. And he took care of me very well. And I appreciated it. But yeah, I it there's always the feeling of I wish I'd told him more.

New Homes And Feeling Safe

SPEAKER_01 34:05

Or like you took stuff for granted. And so, like that, that would be another shift now because you know I try not to do that anymore, to take that stuff for granted.

SPEAKER_00 34:17

Yes, yes, I um am very grateful for my tax preparers. Yes. Thank you, HR Block. Not sponsored by them, but thank God for them. I am not a CPA. Not I hate taxes. I don't mind paying them. I hate fi I like yeah, that was a dentist thing too. So 20 22 years, and I'm just like, damn. I think that was probably the most underappreciated thing that Mike ever did for me. Honestly.

SPEAKER_01 34:59

Okay, so here's another shit I just thought of. Like all these things that we didn't do before, that we now do, like, I don't know, some of the things that kind of make me feel like Superwoman.

SPEAKER_00 35:16

Okay, well, that's not where my mind went, but you tell me yours, and then I'll tell you mine.

SPEAKER_01 35:21

Um like the first time the garbage disposal clocked, I I fixed it. And that was a dentist thing before. I've changed shower heads, I have fixed storm doors, you know, like all that stuff was dentist stuff. Um, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

Yeah, I hate I hate that stuff. Yeah, I still hate that stuff. I know you do. Yeah. Um, so the big shift for me, uh like a shift for me, not a big shift, but I used to get irritated when Mike would throw, like he would get ready for bed, and he would have been wearing a t-shirt and shorts and socks before bed, and he would just throw them next to the bed.

SPEAKER_01 36:02

Like feet away from the hamper.

Noticing Markers And Turning Points

SPEAKER_00 36:06

Uh not even anywhere near the hamper, just on the floor next to the bed. And um, it irritated me so much. I never said it to him. I never said it to him. Um, but now I just I fucking throw my pajama bottoms next to the bed, and I'm like, that's really fucking funny. And I don't know if I do it because of that, or if it's just, I'm just, I'm just, I don't know why. But now I'm like, nah, I don't want to sleep in my sweatpants. So just yeah. So there are things that um that irritated me that I now do. And I don't know if that's me channeling him or what that is, but it's one of the funniest things I do when I see mice, I have little slippers. They've been sitting in my office all week. Because I would wear them to when I would go to work on Monday. And I would just, I would, my feet would get hot, I'd take them off, and they were they were not put together nicely. There were they were strewn about the floor as if they were cat toys. And um, yeah, and I just uh picked them up today when I put them on my feet again. Mm-hmm. And Mike's laughing his ass off. Of course, because that wouldn't have been tolerated when he was around, like he wouldn't have done that, I wouldn't have done that. Right. But but yeah, no, the slippers are just like laid around. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:45

I've probably got a million little stories of stuff that used to drive me crazy that Dennis did. But um, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:54

But but it's it's also considered a shift, right?

SPEAKER_01 37:57

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

It's a shift, whether it's a shift in mindset, a shift in a feeling, a shift in responsibility. Like, I actually really love this conversation now that we're having it. Like the topic scared me a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 38:08

Me too.

SPEAKER_00 38:10

I was like, really? That's the first topic for the new year. Really? But now it's like, oh, it really is a shift of all those things. And I am more comp I'm more confident and competent in taking care of the bills and making sure the garbage is out on time and making sure I don't miss those deadlines and all the things, right? But yeah, do I hate it? Yes. Yes. Do I do it? Yes. Do I miss deadlines? No. I I was out running errands today taking care of business things, taking to take care of personal business. Like it's what you do now. And some things I feel more confident about. But five, that was five and a half years ago.

SPEAKER_01 38:56

Right.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

I was not capable emotionally, responsibility-wise, any of those things. And I think that that's something to recognize is that the early days are absolutely just it's very hard.

SPEAKER_01 39:15

Oh yeah. I mean, I I don't think I would even recognize myself if I compared myself today to the early days self, right? Same. It's tot totally different. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:28

Same.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

You know, and I think you have to get over the shock factor first. Yep. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:36

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Um, but I think this has been a good conversation about shifts and uh how it sort of all changes through the journey. Um Stella is very cute. She's very sweet.

SPEAKER_01 39:54

You're gonna be famous.

Everyday Roles And Quiet Appreciation

SPEAKER_00 39:58

She's gonna be famous. She's so sweet. No, she, and you know what? They have, I mean, I know for you and for me, like our animals have been absolutely incredible. Toby's incredibly intuitive and compassionate. They're so sensitive, yeah. Empathetic. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:18

They're so sensitive. They know when your energy is off and they know when they need to like stay close.

SPEAKER_00 40:25

Yep. Yeah, they absolutely do. Um, this has been a great conversation for me. It really has. I really, yeah. This uh, yeah, I'm not as scared about it as uh I was when it first came up on the wheel. I'm like, oh no. I know.

SPEAKER_01 40:39

I had a little bit of dread myself. I was like, oh, please go first. And you just kind of jumped in. So cool. Thank you for that.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

You know, we're here to support each other. And uh, you know, that's what we do. So it's good. It's good. Um, do you want to close us out?

SPEAKER_01 40:59

Sure. Um, if anything stirred or settled within you during this episode, just know that you don't need to carry it. Um, you can leave it wherever it feels comfortable. Take what feels supportive, leave what feels heavy. And thank you for listening. Thank you for being here, showing up in whatever way you need to be. We'll meet again soon. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 41:25

Thanks, friend. Bye.