She Diaries

Kristy Steenhuis's Story: Suicide Loss, Postvention, and Building National Support for Survivors

• Bright Sky House • Season 1 • Episode 5

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In this heartfelt conversation, Kristy Steenhuis shares her journey of bereavement and resilience after the suicide loss of her husband, Matthew. She recounts the moments before tragedy—from warning signs to the day she found him—and the ripple effect on her family and mental well-being.

Kristy discusses the stigma and silence she encountered in a rural community, why postvention is a crucial act of suicide prevention, and how she channeled her pain into building national support networks for survivors. Through candid storytelling, she encourages open dialogue around mental health, models what it means to grieve a spouse, and shows that starting over is possible—even from the deepest grief.

Content Warning

This podcast includes real stories of suicide loss. Some episodes may reference the method of suicide and include emotionally intense or uncomfortable descriptions. We understand how sensitive this content is, and we carefully edit each episode to honor and respect both our guests and listeners. If you or someone you know is struggling, please call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org for free, 24/7 support. Please take care while listening—pause if you need to. You are not alone.

Takeaways

  • What grief looked like as a 28-year-old widow with two young children
  • The pivotal moment she recognized something was wrong
  • How postvention is a form of suicide prevention
  • Using honest metaphors to explain loss to children
  • Confronting stigma, blame, and silence in her community
  • How she built a supportive national movement—and stepped into advocacy for mental health
  • Why lived experience must drive suicide prevention efforts
  • The path from grief through bereavement toward resilience and starting over

About She Diaries

In She Diaries, women who have lost their husbands to suicide bravely share their stories of strength while navigating the unimaginable journey of widowhood. Through candid interviews, the podcast explores their lives before the tragedy, moments that changed everything, the web of grief, and the hard-earned lessons of overcoming deep loss. These powerful stories shed light on the strength and courage it takes to move forward.

Produced by Bright Sky House — bringing hidden stories to light.

Mental Health Resources

  • 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 for free, 24/7, confidential support for mental health crises, suicidal thoughts, or emotional distress.
  • Find a Therapist: Search for licensed therapists near you through directories like Psychology Today, TherapyDen, or Mental Health Match.
  • Join a Support Group: Connect with others through peer-led or professionally facilitated support groups via NAMI or GriefShare.

Stay Connected with She Diaries

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LinkedIn: Bright Sky House

If you have questions or would like to follow-up with any of our guests, reach out to Hello@BrightSkyHouse.com.

She Diaries is available wherever you listen to podcasts.

Hi, I'm Krista Greig, your host for She Diaries, a podcast sharing the real unfiltered stories of women who've lost their husbands to suicide. It's raw, it's honest, and it's about finding your way through the unthinkable. Before we get to the show, please know this podcast includes real stories of suicide loss, and is not for little ears. Some episodes may reference the method of suicide and include emotionally intense or uncomfortable descriptions. We understand how sensitive this content is and carefully edit each episode to honor and respect both our guests and listeners. If you or someone you love is struggling, call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. You're not alone. Please take care while listening. Pause if you need to. and you can find links to additional mental health resources in our show notes. Thank you for listening. everyone. Welcome back to another episode of She Diaries. This episode is the story of Christy Steinhaus, a widow, mother, and fierce advocate for suicide postvention. After losing her husband Matthew to suicide, Christy found herself navigating stigma, isolation, and grief as a 28-year-old mother of two. She lived in a small community in Australia and had a lot of family and friends around, but also was really searching for somebody in a group to connect with that knew exactly what she was going through. And after four years of not finding that group and holding and bottling in all of the things she was feeling, she decided, why not me? I'm gonna build something. She built a nonprofit in her local community to support suicide loss survivors. And she did it, of course, first for herself, but then realized the incredible benefits of what she could do for her community. And now she is serving all of Australia with her knowledge and experience. Her story is one of heartbreak, healing, and unapologetic purpose. You won't want to miss her story. This is She Diaries. Hi everyone, this is Krista Gregg with She Diaries and I am so excited to help share the story today of Christy Steinhaus. She is an incredible and inspirational woman where she found herself in an unthinkable situation and after realizing that no, she can't be the only one, she created a community and support systems not only for herself but for so many and I am thrilled for everyone to get to meet her, Christy. Would you like to quickly introduce yourself? Thank you Krista. Yeah, I'm Kristi Steenhouse. I lost my husband Matthew to suicide back in 2005. uh Mother of two adorable children and three even more adorable grandchildren. um Did you want me to go more? could go more. I think it's great. You're just fine, you're just fine. em Let's talk a little bit about Matthew. How did you guys meet? And tell us kind of a little bit of the story of the two of you. Um, Matt and I had always known each other through high school, growing up in the same community. He was at the local boys school. I was at local girls school. They tended to merge together kind of bit. Um, so we knew each other as, as teenagers, but then, you know, we both kind of went and did our own thing. And then when we were, uh, 21, we ran into each other again. Um, when I'd moved back to the, to the community that we were from, um, and just hit it off from there. It was. instant. Yeah, and then what was What attracted you to him? Was it just instant electricity or did you guys have a lot in common? Um, also that, think electricity, um, know, his smile, that was something that he had got me every time was his style. Um, and his personality and, um, that seems very good looking as well. that, also helped. And so you guys started dating, you reconnected, and then obviously things got a little bit more serious and you got married and you had kids. What was life like that as a family and after marriage? Yeah, it was nice. It was what I had expected, you know, of having a family. We had two children. Matthew was a builder, so he'd be off, you know, working every day, doing construction stuff. I would be at with the kids. You know, we bought our first house. We renovated that. Matthew was into artist racing horses, so we always had a couple horses on the go as well. Um, and the kids were kind of involved in that. Um, we just did everything together. You know, if you had a day off work, I would hear a lot about the wives of the builders going, oh, because they got an RDO, like a roster day off, they get to be home for the day and they'd be disappointed. Whereas I'd be like, oh, awesome. I get to spend the day with my best friend. So it was good. It was, it was really nice. It was a nice, it was a nice time in our lives. What activities did you guys do when you did have some time together? And by the way, for everybody who may not be able to tell by the accent, Christy's in Australia. I am a lover. He loves- So what did you do in Australia for some fun times? Well, I think usually we were robed around children, uh given that we had quite young children. um But as I said, we had the hardest racing horses. So that took up a lot of our time, whether it be going to the races, um training the horses, um football. We were part of local football community. So, know, Matthew played football, played in the country netball team. um You know, so really surrounded by a lot of community. um That was a lot of our life. We lived in a really small rural community where I think my in-laws made up 50 % of that town because there's barely a home. So, you know, there was a lot of things to do. Yeah, just around the property or with the kids or football horses took up the majority of our life. your family sounds so picturesque and I'm just imagining all of you enjoying that time together. um Talk to me a little bit about what led up to that date and uh losing Matthew. Yep. Um, guess it all kind of started about 12 months out, um, from before he actually passed away. Um, noticed he changed. He got a little bit different. He got distant. Um, it was without speaking for him, but it was almost like he could say he was searching for something. Um, like he had a void and he was trying to fill that void. Um, so we had. In that 12 months before he passed, we'd actually had separated. and, but on and off, on and off, on and off for about 12 months. Um, and, and that is what led me to, I guess the belief that he was searching for something because, you know, we'd separate and he'd go and try and feel that void and wouldn't be happy. And then we'd get back together. And it was almost like that didn't, um, make him happy. I don't know. There was like, there was something missing there. but generally he was the same person. Um, he was still happy. He was still working. He was still very, um, involved with his, with our children. Um, to be honest, was no, no signs of, but signs that you would expect to see, um, that would have given me that concern that something was, you know, something wasn't right. Um. It wasn't until those days before that he actually took his life, that I actually went and did hindsight now. I can see that those were some pretty big signs that I wasn't aware of with, with the comments that he'd say adored the behavior. What were the few days, I guess, let's start with the day that everything changed. Can you take us back to, you know, kind of leading up to it, Matthew's passing, you were sensing like something was really off, I believe, at that time, and take us through a little bit what you were going through. Yeah. So I'll go back to like the two days before, and as I said, you know, Matt and I had been separated at the time and he'd come over to my house. Um, and it was a Sunday with the kids. He'd come over and he would just, I just couldn't really pick up something wasn't right. Not being verbalized, anything at that stage. He just walked out and got his car and he left and I had this overwhelming feeling of. Oh my gosh, he's going to take his own life. And then within 15 minutes later, he walked back in the door and I was angry because I was so scared. was like, you never had that thought feeling at all before when it came to him. Um, and I got angry at him and he said, I just want to get you toilet paper. You had no toilet paper. It was no big deal. Um, and then when we sat down and we were talking and he would, and again, things I didn't pick up in the moment, but When was asking him what was wrong, the comments coming back were, doesn't matter now, nothing can be done about it. I've got to put it sorted. um you know, we did quite dissimilar votes of me questioning. um and he then took our children to, um, the local show, the local carnival. Um, and he took the kids to that and he, he'd spend all his money on the children. winning prizes, I'm sure probably buying prizes rather than winning them. And then he rang me and he said, why don't you come up and have dinner with us when I finished work? So that was fine. went out there, the kids were talking about how much, you know, daddy had taken them to the show and a great day that they'd had and, and, charm your prizes that they'd gotten. And Matt had actually said to me, uh would you like to stay here tonight with me and the children? And I said, of I would. Like we were best friends. Of course I would. But everything we did together, we did as a family unit. and as I said, we couldn't live together because he was unsettled, but we were still best friends. And I honestly believed that one day we would find our way back to each other. Um, you know, when I said my wedding vows, uh, 26 years ago today, I meant every single word. Um, so anyway, we, I went and had dinner with him and the children, stayed there the night. Um, you know, talked about being best friends and, and it was just, it was really nice. Um, and just a beautiful experience. Little did I realize then that he was doing his final goodbyes. Um, wasn't it till the next day or when, you know, I went to work, he took, he had an IDO, so he took the kids to school. Um. At about three o'clock that day, started getting text messages off him. speak of me, just, you know, how much he loved me. Um, I was his best friend. Um, I sure did find it afterwards that he'd actually gone and bought a card and then copied the text out of the card into a text message. felt a little nervous. Obviously that said what he wanted to say. Yeah, I was thinking he came up with those words himself, but anyway, um, so then, um, That was all good. went my way, Hugh and his way the next day. Got the messages at about three o'clock about being best friends. Um, about seven o'clock that night, I got a text message of him saying, you know, good night. love you. I was like, okay, they're clearly to go to bed, but you're good night mate. Love you too. You know, as we would. and I didn't think anything more of it at that time. So then the Tuesday, which was the next day, I had tried to get in contact with him numerous times. Wasn't answering his phone, he wasn't replying to text messages. I thought, ah, what's happened now? You know, has he, has something happened in that, know, 12 hours that I haven't spoken to him, is he angry? he, uh Was it normal for you guys to not speak for that long a time? Sometimes because he would, like I said, he was continually searching, or I am, continually searching for something. So sometimes it would be a bit hot and cold. Or he had no credit on his phone to reply, which was probably more than likely where I was thinking. He had gone. So the Tuesday I tried and tried and tried, he didn't reply. So on the Wednesday morning, um I got up, I took their children to school. And Matthew was meant to pick the children up from school that day, cause I had to go to work. And then well, after I dropped the children off at school, thought, I'm just going to drive around to his house. It was around the corner from the school. If his car's in the driveway, I know he's taking his own life. Why I thought that, I don't know, but I had this overwhelming feeling. Um, and then as I drove, um, in his driveway, could see his car there. Um, and then as I got to the front door, he left the key in the door for me to get in. and that's where I, you know, I found the note, um, and also found him, um, taking his own life. Yeah. From there it goes pretty blurry. sure the shock the the craziness of the situation I'm sure Yeah. Yeah. Um, it's funny. The things that you can recall from that day and you're, we're coming up 20 years in November. So it's not like it happened yesterday. Right. I can still visualize that whole day and that, you know, and I recall, after calling uh emergency services, uh, I was on the front lawn and I was in shock and I was, you know, vomiting and and crying and in distress. Matthew's sister drove past and threw the horn and I just put my hand up and waved because I didn't want her to stop. didn't, you know, it's funny that little, just as we're talking about it now, it's just kind of came back to me like, everyone else was going about their day and the worst day in my entire world and life was happening right there. And no one knew. No, I mean, you had that moment where it was just you were the only one in the world that knew that Mathly was no longer there. And they talk with other women and they say either you remember every single detail or you remember none of it. It's like it doesn't seem to be that there is any ever great area there. And it sticks with you for years at the smallest details. yeah, I've got, I just even talking about this now, em as I'm going through that day, I can visualize walking into the house. I can, as clear as if it would happen yesterday, that moment. I don't think it's not something I've thought about for a little while, for a little while, that detail of it. It seems like he was almost at peace with his decision. I mean, he had things very laid out. He had a tape for you with songs and do you... Do you feel like at least he was at peace with his decision? Yeah, um, of course, at first I couldn't get my head around, of course happened. It was just, what the hell? Um, but he did, he was, he was a quite, it was quite a piece. He had, um, he had sat down and, um, and remember we're going back 20 years ago, so a cassette tape, not, um, not Spotify back then. Um, or we would CD really, but he, um, he had sat down and had quite a few cassette tapes out where he'd been listening to songs. He had one queued up ready to go in the stereo ah and in his note, which was very calmly written. ah In fact, it was on the back of a bank statement. Obviously the other paper he could find, ah but his writing was very neat. ah And I took, if I could take those small comforts where you can. ah But I did take comfort from the fact that it wasn't a rough, irrational scribble. ah that he had been quite at peace when he wrote that note. He had put smiley faces in that note. Um, you know, telling the kids to be good, be good for mom and watching you and a smiley face. That gave a little bit of comfort. He was saying to be quite peaceful with his decision. For him, he was at peace then, but that was when... don't think you're probably gonna be putting smiley notes on a bank statement. uh He fed his peace, then it just that that torture and turmoil and pain and suffering was transferred to us. What happened in the days after? Obviously you have little ones and you have your family and his family and a community that everyone is your family in your community. So a lot of people I'm sure started talking. What was that experience like with everybody kind of knowing your business, but then also sharing your business? A lot of people knew as the rumor mill got going, um you know, Matthew was one of 12 kids. They were pretty much all builders. we were, you know, the family were very well known throughout the community, especially in the trade industry. I started receiving phone calls from people that were associates, not really friends, asking what happened. Um, within hours of him passing, um, there was some horrendous rumors that went around. Around, you know, what had happened that morning when I found him. um Horrendous, that, you know, things like he was still alive when I found him and I just left him. uh That's awful. That he'd left a video, which he didn't, we didn't ever know, I a video recorder, let alone, know, a range. But the rumor mill, and that was the thing, you know, being in a smaller community, the rumors, um, a lot of blame, a lot of people blame to me. Um, I didn't do it. I, I blamed me. Um, it took a long time for me to work through that to go actually, you know what? I didn't do this. That was the only person that was there for him. in you know in what with that that time where he was up and down and a bit lost. It sounds so unfair the way that you were judged and treated. Oh yeah. Um, and again, come, come go back 20 years ago, was still so much stigma and showing that perceived shame. Um, then I didn't want anyone to know that it was a suicide because, my God, if I was a better wife, husband would still be here. Um, you know, and I didn't want, when you put the death notices in the paper, um, you know, another person put one in and I it and went, oh, well, People didn't know now, they didn't know that you now know it was a suicide because I had to keep that a secret. How? Because of, you know, the shame, the guilt. Um, you know, I remember my daughter actually, who was 10 at the time, wasn't until probably 18 months later that I found out that she'd been carrying. what she thought. Well, she was carrying guilt because she thought if she had been living with daddy, he wouldn't have done it. So she was blaming herself. And that was not something I knew until about 18 months later. Yeah, so it wasn't just the impact. A 10-year-old daughter felt that she could have stopped at all. That just sounds so heartbreaking as a mom because in the immediate days, months, weeks, whatever, you're not only trying to answer the question for yourself of why, and going through the cycles of grief, you have kids to take care of who are now grieving and putting a lot of that on themselves and you have an entire community that's probably either supporting you or blaming you or... doesn't know anything about what their emotions are doing either. They're grieving too. if anything, I have learned that grief can bring out the best in worst in people uh because we don't know how to grieve. No one knows how to grieve properly or what that grief should look like or how to support. um Thinking of the positive people, because I feel like they're really good examples of how you should support someone through this. What were some in the media? um aftermath of what happened for yourself, for your kids. Who came, who are the heroes of, you know, helping you guys get through this? Mum was one of the biggest heroes and I think mum broke the speed limit getting to my house that day on the highway. um I don't really, really supportive, close circle of family and friends. um Whereas almost like I was wrapped in bubble wrap continually for them to protect me. uh One thing, this will always stick in my mind, the last thing I felt like doing was housework. Obviously I was still trying to, you know, breathe, alone do housework. And one of my dear girlfriends, um, washed my dishes. But of course I had no dish washing liquid. So she used Pantene hair shampoo, which back then was only $10 a bottle, wasn't it? Shampoo. Um, and that became a bit of a running joke, um, and a lighthearted moment. as I said, it's something that still sticks very clearly in my mind. Um, we were very supported by our school, um, the school that the children went to, um, where we'd have, how we're bringing over, you know, groceries and casserole and things like that. Um, but also coming out to support the children. I was 28 when Matthew passed away and the only support service we've always directed to is, um, like for old people. uh And I say that now because I am like the old people now. You are not stopping now. accepting that. Back then at 28 years old, the thought of seeing a support service for people in their seventies or eighties that had lost, you know, and this was all assumptions by me. they've lost their partner to, you know, em old age or what would they know about being a 28 year old, losing your husband to suicide and then having two children as well. em So there was no formal supports. I did try once. really took the children, because Matthew had passed away six weeks before Christmas. So Maria needed to get the kids into a counselor because that's what you do. um So I took them to a um counselor and it was a terrific experience. um This lady was very brusque, questioned me around what had happened. And when I see her, don't feel comfortable discussing this in front of my children. She continued to prompt and push. my 10 year old daughter, very angry. Um, my six year old son just zoomed around the room because he was 110 % active. Um, couldn't get them back to anything after that. Any other support because this really bad experience in that first couple of months. Um, really tarnished it. So yeah. So, so we were on our own really without any formal supports, but with just a really close family and friends, but none of them knew as much as they did everything they could for us. I didn't know what to say, what to do, what we were going through. It was, I was the first one in our whole family or friend groups that had ever lost someone to suicide. Well, and you described really quick on your children that your younger child didn't really understand what was going on. Older child did. And so trying to parent between the two different uh perspectives and two different kind of grief responses as well. uh When we were talking before, they asked that question, how come he didn't stay for us? How did you navigate that as a mom, also navigating all of this for yourself? Initially, I didn't tell the children how he passed away. Um, because I had no idea how it was hard enough to tell them that, you know, daddy had, um, daddy had passed away and he, when my daughter being 10, understood what death was, she questioned why or how nice, you know, he went to sleep because I, I, this was in that very first day. had no idea how to find words. Um, A couple of weeks later, the kids had returned to school. I was already informed by the principal of the school that it was common gossip amongst the primary school children of how Matthew had passed away. So, okay, we'll get through it first today. Then we were at a friend's house and the next-door neighbor's kids are the ones that actually told my children in a most horrific, graphic way that they had clearly heard or overheard their parents talking about. So then I had two children going, whoa, what has raised kids have told this. So anyway, I took them home and sat them down. And as I said before, we had harness horses as a family and a lot of the horses when they're racing, they'll wear blinkers on the side of their bridle so that they can't see the other horses. So don't know how I came up with the words. But to explain to my children what had happened when I said that he had, that he had taken his own life and they were like, well, what do you mean? didn't he stay for us? Why could he not see us and want to stay for us? So he explained that, you know, daddy was very, very, very, very, very sad in his head and his heart. And so it was like, he had the blinkers on like the racehorse. And even though we were standing right beside him, he couldn't see us because of those blinkers. And all they could focus on was how to stop that pain that he was in, in his head and his heart. Um, and really emphasize that it was very, very, very, very, very, very, very bad. Cause I didn't want the children to think every time they felt sad that this is what you do. It's... it's your adoption. Yeah. And actually said to them, you know, what daddy did was wrong because we could have spoken about it and we could have, well, not much of them, but I, know, um, because I didn't want them to think that this was the normal behavior that this is what you do when things get really hard or when the pain becomes overwhelming that this is what you do. just I'm thinking, you know, there's there's, there's ownership of the entire situation. Of course, if, if he had just said something, you know, we don't always know what's going on in someone's mind. We don't know what they're thinking. They could be, you know, showing us one face, but then really feeling something completely different. And that's really hard to reconcile. But if, you know, if anyone out there is struggling with any types of, you know, dark thoughts, suicide ideation thoughts, say something, just tell somebody, because if we don't know, if people around you don't know, they can't help, and I know everybody has someone that wants to help. So I'm sorry, that's a little PSA in the middle. And I think to add to that, even if they're not necessarily having those suicidal thoughts, but they're having those feelings of overwhelm, talk to someone because those feelings of overwhelm are going to fester and grow and that will then grow into suicidal thoughts and ideations. Talk about it to start with because it's nothing too big that can't be picked Yeah. You talked a lot too about you were very alone in your community and experiencing this. ah You went to grief groups, but it's grief for cancer or grief for old age or you lost somebody and it was, it's just, there's nothing like losing someone the way that you lost Matthew. And to find a community to relate with you and your experience was extremely difficult and you spent. I think you mentioned like 40 years really just searching anywhere, whether it was in your country or otherwise, just trying to find anyone that you could connect with. What was that experience like feeling, know, just, struggling to find connection. Um, really isolating, excuse me, and lonely. it made me feel like I'm the only one that has experienced this. Uh, I'm the only one going through this. Um, but like you said, I searched the internet and I read everything I called and, um, tried to connect everywhere. Cause I just, I needed that community of people that knew what I was feeling that could say, I get it and know that they got it. You didn't even need to share a dialogue because when look at each other, you knew that you got it. And I learned for someone to help me guide my children. How do I navigate this as someone so young and two young children, I couldn't even get my head around it. do I support my children? Um, so long for that connection for people to, it's a part of a club you don't want to be ever be a part of. But when you're in it, you need that connection with people that have, that have walked the walk. Um, so like you said before, four years I searched and I always knew in the back of my mind that Matthew's death would not be in vain. Um, and I had been told that from the start, something good will come from this and I my words were a few expletives there. We can cuss There's nothing good going to come of this. How can it? This most horrific pain I've ever felt in my entire life. Yes, even worse than childbirth. it's pretty horrific. But I knew after that four years and searching and I thought, well, I continually search and I cannot find anything. Lucky for me, I have a really good family and I was friends with What about those that don't? Right. What about those in the community that have lost someone to suicide and they don't have a really close family and friends or they don't have access to the internet to be able to read about or connect with people in America or in Canada or the UK because there's nothing in Australia. so fast forward this, you know, the four years, something has to be done. And you know, If not me, then who? I love that so much. is already giving me all the chills because I know where this is going. I just, I am so inspired by you. A hundred percent. You were missing something and you said, screw it. What the fuck? I'm creating something for myself. And if I can't find a support system, I'm going to create one. Um, so that's when I originally thought, okay, I'll do something for, there was a peak body called suicide prevention Australia. And I was like, okay, maybe we'll have some type of event where we can give them money and they can then set something up for us in the community. You know, just, Hey, who am I? I don't have any background in this. Um, just a widow, single mom, you know, that needs somewhere to heal. So I was talking to my cousin one night and I said, I'm going to do this and I'm going to raise this money and I'm going to give it to Suez Time Prevention Australia for them to do something in our community. And she looked at me and she said, that money's never coming back to this community. And I was like, yeah, they will. She said, Christy, they're an Australian organization. We're a small community. If you want something to stay in this community, you probably need to do that yourself. Light bulb. Cool. Then that's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. So I went, okay, what do need to do? I need to establish a really safe support um group, service. So I have somewhere safe to be able to let it all out because I had been pushing it down, pushing it down because it wasn't safe. I was scared that if I actually really opened up and let my emotions out, was probably a big chance my children would end up burying me. because it was nowhere safe. So, so I went on a very way, like a woman on a mission. Like there was nothing getting in my way. I established an incorporated association. we're registered not-for-profit. I had a board committee. We established a support group, which initially I had someone come in and chair those support groups. Until I went, yeah, I could do that. So, uh, like who better to talk to people about their bereavement than I'm unburied. You know, don't need a psychologist. I'm not mentally ill. Um, I'm grieving and we need that grief support. I held a community awareness forum, which are actually called raising the mask. As we know people wear a mask when they're having those suicidal thoughts. That turner beauty people come Huge. mean, you're the small community you are figuring this out on. I mean, I don't want to minimize this at all. had 200 and you touched 250 people at your first big event. That's huge. It was clearly a need. You weren't alone anymore. Yeah. Yeah. And, and you know, the community is, it has a significant suicide rate in this community. Um, so I wasn't alone and I was, I remember very clearly when I was speaking and I was, oh, very first time ever public speaking, especially about my loss as well. So I was like a bit of a mess. And I got up and I spoke and, um, I looked to the audience and I could see this lady who was How old was I when I was born? was probably in my late 20s, probably stage up, yeah, all worldly in my early 30s. And she was distressed and I thought, I need to talk to you. When I spoke to her afterwards, she spoke about losing a husband, she had two young children, a boy and a girl. And she said, I don't know how to tell them. I don't know how to tell them what happened. And she said, how did you tell your children? So I went through and told her, you know, well, I actually found that through people that should know, but this is how I explained it to them. That night she went home and used that same analogy and spoke to other children. Yep. Yep. And they're not horsey people. they got it. And then looked up on my Facebook and showed her son a photo of my son and said, see this little boy here. He lost his daddy too. And her son said, you serious? Am I not the only one? Because he thought he was the only one going through this. So from there, we really built a connection. was like three of us uh widows, all had a boy and a girl age, at different ages. We were all on different stages of our journey. And we did so much together. the three of us with our children so that the kids knew they weren't on their own. They weren't the only ones who ever experienced this. So the forum, the support group, I ran the Not For Profit for 10 years, providing support to people briefed. We had memorial services for White Rees Day. We had other community awareness forums. We'd branched out to other communities, which were like on the other side of Melbourne, where you took part in other events, we were very, very prominent in the community. um We would have events in the main street because you know what, here we are, loud and proud that we are getting to say the words we've been briefed by suicide because there was still so much. How much of it was postvention versus prevention at that time for the work that you were doing? Look, would say 90 % would be post-vention because that's what we knew. Exactly, that makes sense. Um, but when we talk about postvention, postvention is actually prevention because we know that when people don't get uh the support they need, um, being able to, to heal in a healthy way, um, learning skills and tools to be able to do that, they can then quite easily go down that slippery slope of suicide because once you've been bereaved by suicide, all of a sudden suicide becomes an option. Right. You know, um, so it was yet the postvention, but it always had a lens of prevention in it too. I actually, that's, know, became very, I'm still very passionate about it, but, I also run a mentoring program for youth at risk. So a bit of a project and, um, because I'm an equine assisted therapy facilitator, that's a real tongue twister. I'm using my herd of horses to help heal. this day, this is my third grade mind of saying you used horses to help people with their emotions and it was animal behavior therapy. Maybe not. was animal therapy. Yeah. Something. I just want to hold a horse is really all I'm picturing on my worst days. And I in the horses responded and were there for people. Yeah. Well, I used the horses in a brief program and in a youth mentoring program. I had some incredible experiences where, you know, I have a participant there crying, the tears are streaming down their face. And I had this horse, was an X-ray horse. was a big, horse. And he just very gently started to just nuzzle on her face and kiss away her tears. I know. I was just like, um, you know, that wrap this horse, one particular horse, and he was so in tune. He'd wrap his whole neck around and cuddle them. Um, and then, you know, then using some of them for the, the parenteral work as well, which was powerful to teach, the young people that I was working with were young people that were in at home care so that they, you know, so they were kind of under the, under the state care. Uh, I had everything taken off them in their entire life. They'd not, you know, really not a lot to look forward to. So aggression was their, their language. Um, and I would bring them out with the horses and ask them, you know, let's set some boundaries, but we're not allowed to use violence and we're not allowed to use swear words. Um, but we're going to use our body. Um, wow. The changes in some of those young people was incredible. Like to see them be able to articulate them. what they need without having to become, you know, violent or abusive. and some of those kids are now young adults, um, and not only surviving, but start to thrive in my life as well. So. I think that's pretty cool. That's so cool. I'm just imagining Matthew looking down on all of this work that you're doing in a lot of ways and honoring him and making good of the situation that happened. that you said this has to, something good has to come of this and you were the good that came of this for so many people. Do you think, do you believe that maybe he was, you know, kind of looking over your shoulder, pointing you in certain directions or some people say like little signs or is he kind of just kind of always with you in memory? Oh, look, it's always here. I work in suicide prevention every day. Yeah. So it's always a reminder of why I do what I do. I actually presented in, um, at a national conference last week as a part of a panel of lived experience people. And one of the questions from the audience was, do you think your person would be proud? And I said, 100%. And because this gives his death purpose and meaning. It wasn't just like he died and he's buried and he's forgotten every single day for the last almost 20 years. m has been, you know, a part of what I do because I'm not going to let his death be in vain. I can help save or support someone that's going through this so they're not on their own. Then all the pain that I've endured. has been more than that. And you started doing, as part of your work, started showing up in those immediate moments for people. Is that correct? We, with the support group that was support organization that I started, we, did it. Um, but with the organization that I work for now, um, which is postvention standby support after suicide, we are in there. We provide support to families in that immediate response. So as soon as there is a death, um, by suicide and what we are covered all of Australia, every state and territory. We can have people there to respond to that family within 24 hours and providing that support, providing those resources that I never had. And the really simple things like, you know, what do I say and what do I do? And providing those resources to people as well. So, and I did that on the ground for a couple of years in the same community that I was from. um national organization finally kind of filtered through. So I was like. So I got a job with them and was able to provide that support. That's right. I did jump ahead in the timeline. So you built your foundation. You were building. I know I'm like on so many things. I want to make sure we get it all. I built a foundation, created that local support group, but then the national support really started catching up. So you left your foundation or closed it and then started doing more work still within your community, but more on the national level. And you were afforded the opportunity to be able to even make bigger waves. Yeah. And you know, I, with my foundation, was, you know, solely supporting the one community. But then when the national organization rolled down, I was able to, I can do this on a bigger scale now. So I was actually providing that support to half of the state that we were in. So that to me, it was really powerful that we were able to, you know, from something that started as I need to support, surround myself with support for that. you know, and then support others, has grown to the community and then to half of Victoria, half of the state. um And then now I'm very, very lucky um to be successful in a role with our national team um and using my lived experience to advocate for resources and supports for those that have been bereaved and developing. resources, getting to speak, you know, different events and promoting the program because this is everything I wanted and needed when I was brave 20 years ago. Now it's around, I want every person that's been brave to be able to access these supports and resources that we have. And I'm honored that I can use my experience 20 years down the track to develop appropriate resources and guide support. for Pick Breathe. The good thing about the organization that I do work for Standby is lived experience is at the center of everything we do. So they won't develop anything or um work on a project without having oneself or someone else from our lived experience team as a part of that project or reviewing what they've done or providing guidance around, no, that's really insensitive or that's no, don't use that language or Because we know what's going to impact on us. um, I did interview for this job. said, Christine, where do you see yourself in 10 years? And I'm like, your job. then I was like, no, but that's it. No, it was serious. This is where my life is meant to go. Um, you know, before Matthew passed away, my plan was I was going to work with youth, with drug and alcohol. issues. That was always my, you know, my go-to. After he's passing, my past changed direction. And this is it. I will be in postvention until I retire. This is where I'm meant to be. And I strongly believe my experiences were meant to happen to lead me to this place where I can help support other people. And if I can soften that, um the intensity. of their grief or wash their dishes with pertain or be there just to provide that support, then everything has their worth. When we were talking before, it felt like, especially in the early stages, and please correct me here, because this is me paraphrasing your life in a sense, that how we talked and what immediately started to at least become at least maybe a little clear to me was you were on a mission to make sure no one else died by suicide again. Like, if you couldn't save Matthew, you were going to make sure everybody else was saved. Everyone else was supported. Everybody else was... No one would get caught past, you know, your line of defense. And um that can get really exhausting over time. You mentioned something to me that you were told, I'm going to totally completely get it wrong, but it changed your perspective on this mentality. We know where I'm going. Yeah. So you're right. Like I did, I had that thought process of no one ever is going to die on my watch. I really struggled with, it's not like it gets exhausting that I've got to be there to stop everyone. I was driving down the road one day and I could see a person in distress. I went around the block four times, every time going to stop. It was only because the kids were like, mom. We really need to go to supermarket. But if I had to, if not me then who? Right? You know? So I was seeing a psychologist, I highly, you know, think everyone should, you know, had talked to some. I see I have my person every other week. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and I was talking to her and I was going through this, you know, really struggling because there's always so much of me and trying to be everywhere and I'm trying to save everyone because I didn't want anyone else to die. And she said to me, well, Christie, if you save everyone, there's no one left for other people to save. And I was like, yeah, actually. Okay. So I can now comfortably drive past. No, I've rephrased that because it's never comfortably. I can drive past someone in distress and go, I know someone else has got that now. It doesn't have to be me. Um, because, know, I've hit burnout, know, 15 years I've been doing this work now. You know, probably 12 years I've been on the front line of providing that support. always riding the grips of, know, that immediate death and loss. I've had to learn some really strong self care and boundaries because you you do burn out when you're taking on that. Everyone else's grief and trauma. So uh now, as I said, not happily, but I can drive past someone um and go, you know what? Someone else is going to get that because I've got all these other people that I'm supporting. uh is a big pivoting moment. They are still doing amazing work and you're still helping people. um I want listeners and anyone who's watching to kind of get a sense too. There are some really important guidelines and ways that like for instance in film, in media that suicide should and should not be portrayed. And you had... an incredible opportunity to shape a major motion picture in Australia. Can you talk about your experience? mean, one, you're on a Hollywood set, like at least in my mind. You may be in the middle of Australia shooting a scene on a farm, but you're on a Hollywood set in a major motion picture. And you had some very important positions that you had to hold firm on. Yeah. look, was, um, luckily enough, um, that my lived experience was known throughout, you know, the, Victorian kind of Western Victoria. Um, and we also do a lot of horse events. So I the lady reached out to me and said, I'm making a movie about, you know, a farmer and the struggles of farming community and, um, that the farmer actually cages his own life in it. And it tells that post feature, the story of the widow. raising two children. I was like, okay, this is sounding familiar. Not that we were farmers, but we were, you know, rural widow, two children. She said, love you to talk about your lived experience. We're to do some documentary parts at the end of the movie. And I said, get it. Of course. It's great. I said, do you know where I work? And she's like, no. And I said, well, let me tell you. I'm told I work for Standby, Support After Suicide and what we could do to help support the movie. So we provide a support on set to the cast and crew as well, but we have a mind frame guidelines here in Australia, which are, know, very particular set of guidelines around when you try talking about suicide in film, we're even just having a public thing you shouldn't do. So I said to her when she gave me the script to read it, can I please get this checked by mind frame to ensure that it complies with all of our guidelines? Of course. So I gave it to MindFrame, they read the script and they said, yep, look, Chrissy, great. There's just a couple of scenes where in the script it actually comes across as if it's going to be quite a graphic scene. And we never talk or show methods and means. So I took that back to the executive producers, this is a week before filming and said, this is what they've recommended. And they're like, okay, we'll change it. And I was like, okay. So then when I was out on set, and we were filming kind of the big scenes around the desk. And it was closed set. only a couple of us allowed there, uh obviously due to the nature of what we were filming. And the first aid lady came up to me and said, Christie, they want to show a full body shot. And I'm like, what? And I said, if you do that, like you're going against everything that we have. recommended and the Australia guidelines have recommended if you go against that, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to walk away from the project. can't not endorse because we weren't endorsing it, but supporting it. So we ended up having some robust conversations. The lead actress who was also the executive producer and the writer, she's an absolute powerhouse, Leila McDougall, little Seeky plug, is an absolute powerhouse of a woman and so respectful that um She said, yeah, they're not, because they will not allow that. They wanted to also show like a, a silhouette through a window to imply methods. Little old me on set with some pretty well known Australian directors, videographers and actors, but held firm and said, this is not okay. The impact that you will have on those of us with a lived experience watching this film will be horrific. And they did, you know, we'll put makeup on to show. Again, implying methods, which is biggest no-no, you know, because we don't know the impact that's going to have on people that sitting there watching it. I don't like to see those types of things. So again, the main actress, Layla, just was incredible. She shifted her body around in these scenes to cover the makeup. So it didn't show methods or means. And she just, she was incredible. She, everything we had said, um, recommended she went with because to her it was so important that they show an authentic, at first authentic farming movie. It wasn't to be made by city people so it wasn't all filmed on their farm by farmers but she also wanted to ensure that this had the right message of post-vention and the importance of talking before in regards to the husband in the film but also afterwards the importance of her talking. connecting with other peers that have had that same experience, having conversations with the children about, you know, what's happened and how they can talk. To the point she even gets her, you know, alcoholic father-in-law to open up and express that he's going to talk. So it really talks to the postvention side of things, but powerful, powerful movie. um What's the movie's name? Just so everyone can go now Google it. Google, it's called Just a Farmer starring Layla McDougall. And I love that you did a phenomenal job of staying true to, okay, well, yes, we have a story to tell, but we also have people to protect. And we have an entire audience to protect. you held true. You didn't succumb to any pressure from anybody else's vision or the story or the script. um You really were true to the message and true to what the standards should be. And I applaud you. That's not an easy position to be in sometimes. wasn't easy. awful. At all. Because I felt like bit of an imposter because these people are professional movie people. I'm just me. You know? So it was hard. But you're right. I helped them because I knew what was right. And I knew that if they had done what they'd initially spoken about, I wouldn't have been able to watch that show because I knew, I know the impact it would have had on me. And when I've spoken to a couple of other people that I've got a lived experience of suicide bereavement as well. And we've spoken about these and they're like, yeah, I would have walked out because it was the way their person had taken their own life as well. I'll not to visualize that. Um, powerful stuff happening, you know, I'm You've been doing this work for so long and you are still in the thick of it and still paving the way. What does your job and the roles of communities around the world, what does the future look like? What could we be doing even better if? Yeah. like I, it's funny, we kind of had this question at the conference as well around where do you see the space in another five years? Fun. I would love to see lived experience of suicide bereavement embedded in every organization that has anything to do with suicide prevention, intervention or postvention. I would love that we have more of these open conversations. You know, it's being as someone bereaved by suicide and as a widow. Um, There's a lot of still that dark cloud of shame over us, whether that be perceived shame or you actually feeling it from those other people, but it's there. I'd love to see that cause. um I would love to see conversations like this be the norm. That people are very comfortable and open to talk about their loss, but in a way that's going to have a positive impact on other people. I'd love like our postvention service across Australia. That program started 20 years ago. I've only gone national in the last four years. I would love to see that international. I think that is an international conference next year in America that hopefully I can, know. I'll meet you there. Out there. um Yeah, look, ultimately, big sky dreams is my maths work. That would be my ultimate goal is there is no need for a post-vention service because we don't have any deaths by suicide. Fortunately, I think there will still be work, um but that's where I'm pushing for. um And that no one in the country that has been bereaved is without the support they need. It's so important, you know, and at Cumberbank for the desk. Yeah, I think that's it. I have one final question. I know we're a little bit over time, but today is an important day for you. And you mentioned it at the beginning of the episode, and I do not want to minimize it. We chose this day to record. How does it feel looking back on your anniversary, wedding anniversary today, and just seeing how far you've come? What are you feeling in this moment? Um, it almost feels a little bit surreal that, you know, and I was looking through photos before we started recording to send you some. And of course there was some wedding photos. Firstly, I thought is, Oh my God, did we really have our hair like that? Um, I feel a mixed emotions today. I am mixed emotions. Usually am on these kind of days. Um, but I'm, I'm incredibly proud of the legacy that we will leave in his name and in his memory. Long after I'm gone, you Google the internet and see the work that we've done, you know, um, in his memory. You inspire me 100%. You see something and you know it needs fixed and you just roll up your sleeves and do it. And you keep fighting and you keep learning and growing and not taking no or, well, it's always been this way for an answer. And we need more, more Christie's out there. We need more people to help create a world where you don't have a job anymore. And I got emotional when you said that because we often say that in our crime and trauma scene cleaning business. I'd love the phone to stop ringing. I'd love to go out of business, but until that time comes, someone needs me. Someone needs me in, if not me, then who? And that is very much a motto we go by as well. So it's very similar. And we're just going to keep on working until the day comes. It doesn't feel like a job. It's, you know, and I heard many times growing up when you do something you love, you'll never work a day in your life. Well, it took me a long time to get to that point, but I love what I do. I love being able to use my experience to provide, you know, support and help. And, um, yeah, that's, it's not a job, but it fills my cup. and you get to meet incredible people as well. Like, yeah, I would never have met you. No. If I didn't just jump on and go, Hey, come on, talk to me. But I know, absolutely, and now I feel like, you know, along with you, along with so many people I'm meeting through this process, these are connections and I'm learning more and more every day. I thank you so much, Christy, and thank you so much for your time today. We just really want to reiterate that, you um if you are struggling with overwhelmed life situations, please reach out. If you are noticing someone in your world is somewhat overwhelmed or struggling, reach in, because they might not have capacity to reach out to you. But you know, if you've been bereaved by suicide, know that you are not alone, that you will get through. What is the hardest thing in your entire life? I will not should we code it and pretend that it's easy cause it's not. But also, you know, the organization that I work for, Standby Support After Suicide has an amazing suite of resources on our website. um And quite often, you know, we heard over the years, I don't know what to say and I don't know what to do. And that's one of our resources is what do I say? What do I do when I'm supporting someone bereaved? So even if you're not bereaved, but you know someone that is. There's some helpful resources there to help you support, you know, the person, someone that's lost their person. links to. We'll share some of those links on social media and in the blog post or in the episode details so everyone has quick access to be able to go and visit the website and organization. Thank you, Krista. Thank you so much. I'm so glad to see you today. Thank you for joining us for this episode of She Diaries. We know these conversations can be incredibly heavy. If you're feeling overwhelmed or need support, please take a moment to care for yourself. In the show notes, you'll find links to mental health resources, crisis lines, and support groups. If you're in crisis or need immediate help, call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. You are not alone. If today's story moved you, we'd love for you to subscribe, leave a review, or share the episode with someone who might need it. To stay connected, follow us on social media at BrightSkyHouse and subscribe to our e-newsletter at BrightSkyHouse.com. If you'd like to connect with a guest or share your own story for a future episode, send us a note at hello at BrightSkyHouse.com. Every story deserves to be heard. Thank you. for helping bring this one to light. Until next time, I'm Krista Gregg, and this is She Diaries. These are