She Diaries

Michelle Bray’s Story: Widowhood, Alcoholism, and Healing After Suicide Loss

• Bright Sky House • Season 1 • Episode 8

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In this deeply moving episode, Michelle Bray opens up about widowhood, what it means to grieve a spouse, and the burden of bereavement after losing her husband David to suicide. She courageously confronts addiction, mental health struggles, the stigma surrounding them, and the silence so often associated with loss.

Michelle shares how she found her own “story of resilience” through therapy, spiritual reflection, and community—ultimately starting over and rebuilding her life. As part of suicide prevention, her honesty encourages other women to speak up, seek support, and remember: even after the unthinkable, healing, resilience, and new beginnings are possible.

Content Warning

This podcast includes real stories of suicide loss. Some episodes may reference the method of suicide and include emotionally intense or uncomfortable descriptions. We understand how sensitive this content is, and we carefully edit each episode to honor and respect both our guests and listeners. If you or someone you know is struggling, please call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org for free, 24/7 support. Please take care while listening—pause if you need to. You are not alone.

Takeaways

  • Stories of resilience emerge from deep grief and bereavement
  • Understanding what it means to grieve a spouse
  • Mental health openly addressed—beyond the broken silences
  • Honest talk about addiction stigma and surviving its weight
  • Illuminating suicide prevention through shared experience
  • On starting over: healing, hope, and the possibility of joy again

About She Diaries

In She Diaries, women who have lost their husbands to suicide bravely share their stories of strength while navigating the unimaginable journey of widowhood. Through candid interviews, the podcast explores their lives before the tragedy, moments that changed everything, the web of grief, and the hard-earned lessons of overcoming deep loss. These powerful stories shed light on the strength and courage it takes to move forward.

Produced by Bright Sky House — bringing hidden stories to light.

Mental Health Resources

  • 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 for free, 24/7, confidential support for mental health crises, suicidal thoughts, or emotional distress.
  • Find a Therapist: Search for licensed therapists near you through directories like Psychology Today, TherapyDen, or Mental Health Match.
  • Join a Support Group: Connect with others through peer-led or professionally facilitated support groups via NAMI or GriefShare.

Stay Connected with She Diaries

Instagram: @BrightSkyHouse
Facebook: Bright Sky House
YouTube: Bright Sky House Official
LinkedIn: Bright Sky House

If you have questions or would like to follow-up with any of our guests, reach out to Hello@BrightSkyHouse.com.

She Diaries is available wherever you listen to podcasts.

Hi, I'm Krista Gregg your host for She Diaries, a podcast sharing the real unfiltered stories of women who've lost their husbands to suicide. It's raw, it's honest, and it's about finding your way through the unthinkable. Before we get to the show, please know this podcast includes real stories of suicide loss, and is not for little ears. Some episodes may reference the method of suicide and include emotionally intense or uncomfortable descriptions. We understand how sensitive this content is and carefully edit each episode to honor and respect both our guests and listeners. If you or someone you love is struggling, call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. You're not alone. Please take care while listening. Pause if you need to. and you can find links to additional mental health resources in our show notes. Thank you for listening. Welcome back to She Diaries. I am your host, Christa Gregg, and today's guest is Michelle Bray, who lost her husband David in August of 2024 after 34 years of marriage. It hasn't even been a year since David died by suicide, and this is Michelle's first time. publicly sharing her story. And she does it with so much grace and breathtaking honesty. I think you guys are all going to really enjoy and learn a lot from her story. She opens up about the decades long impact of alcoholism and addiction on her family and the years she spent trying to hold everything together through all of the chaos. But this isn't just a story about loss. It's a story about rebuilding. about therapy, about finding support in unexpected places, about a future that still holds joy, including her first grandbaby on the way. If you've ever felt trapped, heartbroken, or simply unsure how to move forward after unimaginable pain, this episode is for you, and I promise there is hope. Michelle's words are a lifeline for so many, and I'm honored to help bring her story to life. These are feelings everyone, welcome to another episode of She Diaries. I am thrilled to be joined by Michelle Bray today for this episode. She has a heartfelt story to share with you and it hasn't even been a year since she lost her husband David. So whatever you're doing, going on a walk, drinking coffee, driving in the car, buckle up because we are here for this incredible story. And before we dive in too deep, Michelle and I have actually been talking. We're laughing because it's so ridiculous. We scheduled this an hour and a half ago to record and ah have had to try to troubleshoot some audio issues. It was one button. What does one button mean to you, It is hilarious because David was in the news industry. He worked in the news industry for 30 years and his go-to was, it's always one button. And what was it? as well. It was the most ridiculous thing. Anyway, we won't waste your time with all the very tech people details, but I will let you know that in celebration of not only the 4th July, which is when we are recording, but also to be able to get this to work. We just took a tequila shot. So let's have a little fun here. We're going to have a little fun. We're going to be sharing the story. I wanted to share our story, gosh. And you know, along with the whole one button thing, Fourth of July was David's favorite holiday. He loved Fourth of July. I mean, we would decorate the front of the house. We would get tons of fireworks. We'd invite tons of people over to the house. We'd have all kinds of fun on Fourth of July. And one year where we didn't have anybody over, he's like, It's my favorite holiday. We have to shoot off fireworks. I even have pictures of him in our garage and it is pouring down rain. And he's like, I just looked at the app. It's going to be over in five minutes. We'll just hang tight and then I'll run out and set off the fireworks. So I am excited to be here on 4th of July and to talk about my husband. And basically our journey through this life and, and, um, you know, what led up to, um, losing him with, um, death by suicide. Like I said, he was in the news industry for, for 30 years. And if he was here right now, he would have, he probably would have figured it out, but I feel like he was with me and he, for whatever reason, it had to wait until now. Maybe he wanted us to take that tequila shot. So a little. dark humor in my mind with the tequila shot because we are going to talk about alcoholism. I know, yes. Which is a very serious, very, very serious disease and it affects not only, you know, the person that is the alcoholic, but it affects the family so greatly and so deeply that it is not a laughing matter. But whenever you are dealing with life, right, there's got to be ways that you release some of that tension, release some of that pain that you have. And that was always David's way. It was never about serious conversations about alcoholism. It was always keeping it light, keeping it happy, keeping it funny and keeping it... And he was always joking around. He was always looking what I thought was the brighter side of things. But in the long run, it was lots of depression, lots of trauma, lots of PTSD that he dealt with that... finally just don't think he could move past it anymore. And regardless of how much help he got or how much I begged for him to get help, he just could not get past all that. And that's finally what I think that he decided in his brain that it was never ever going to get any better and it was always going to get worse. And yeah, let's do that. So You know, we were really young. were, I was 17 actually, craziest thing. And I know people are going to go, oh my gosh, she's just off her rocker. But I was walking through a parking lot and he was, him and his mom were just coming out of a store. I was 17. was around, he was around almost 18 years old at that time. And they were in their car leaving. and I was walking towards the store and we just caught eyes. And I just knew when I saw him and our eyes locked that there was something there. I couldn't explain it at the time. I look back now and say, oh, you know, it was, you know, could been, you know, two souls connecting. It could be love at first sight, blah, blah, you know, but in the end, I think we were supposed to meet that way. We were supposed to see each other that way. And as I was walking and they were driving away, we didn't take our eyes off each other the whole time. And so that was the first time that I saw him. then you fast forward about, gosh, I guess it was about six months later, we ended up being at a local hangout together. And all the teenagers in the area would go to the same place on Friday, Saturday nights and hang out. He asked me to go out with him and the rest is history. We moved in together. I ended up getting pregnant about nine months later after moving in together. And then about four months after the baby was born, we got married. I was just, and him too, I truly believe, we were both just so in love and just couldn't be away from each other for long periods of time. So anyway, anytime babies come into the situation, things become very complicated. We all the time, you know? And so we, when the baby was born, we had lots of financial difficulties, you know, making sure our roof's overhead, making sure that we could give what we needed to give to the baby. And it put a strain on our relationship. Obviously it does for anybody in any situation, but then you add a child to it and that makes it even more complicated. And so we made the decision that, you know, working in debt and jobs was not gonna get us where we needed to go. And I made the decision to start taking courses at the local college in Indiana when we lived in Indiana. so I started taking college courses and it must have sparked something in him because he looked through In those days, you've got a book of all the classes available, you know, to take in your college that you're going to. And so he said he one day was just flipping through the book and it stopped in television broadcasting. Communications was actually the major and he, something told him, you'd go enroll in these college forces. So he actually didn't even have his high school diploma at that point. And so he went. He took the GED. He passed the GED with flying colors. I knew he would. He was a smart man. He just didn't have that effort that you're supposed to put into those kinds of things. So got that GED, enrolled in classes. So we were both working. We were both taking classes. We were both taking care of a baby and then found out we didn't figure out how that happened the first time and got pregnant the second time. And so anyway, can work in through college, taking these courses. um And we made it to our senior year in college and ended up pregnant again. Great baby. other you guys at the time. And let's see, this was 95. So he was 25, I was 24. Okay, so you guys are still young. You're in love. You're doing things and you're at college and- Yeah, just trying to figure out, you know, because we knew at that point that well, usually we said we more kids. Well, it was a little too late for that, but knew that staying where we were in Indiana, that we were not going to be able to sustain the family and have the life that we had and knew that I knew all along I was in banking. He was in, the TV industry that we would have to move for him to make more money because being in a small city, when you're working in the television business, when you move to bigger markets, you make more money, right? And so obviously we knew that. so he started looking, I gave him a radius. said, David, you can look in a three and a half hour radius of home, you know, of where our parents were. And so he was offered a job in Kentucky, which was It was like two hours and 45 minutes from home base. so I told him, I was like, take it. And he's like, well, you've got to find something too. And I was like, okay. So I started looking and landed. When we were in Indiana, I was a team lead at a bank and running like a call center. And so when he got the job offer in Kentucky and I started looking and started interviewing, I landed a supervisor's job at a call center in Kentucky and ended up making more money than him, which pissed him off. But you know, that's another story. oh journalism is hard, journalism is hard. It's a tough market to be in no matter where you're at unless you're, you know, one of the lead broadcasts or reporters, whatever it may be. Journalism is an unforgiving profession and at that time too, it wasn't about clicks and it wasn't about money. It was more about reporting, but you know, things have changed as well. So. Yeah, absolutely. Now he wasn't on the news making side. He was on the technical side of the prevention. Yeah. So he was in what's called a newscast director. So anytime you see a change on the television set when you're watching the news broadcast, anytime you see a change, that's a director in the background pushing a button to make that happen. Or if you see a camera move, That's director making that move or telling a camera operator to make, to turn the camera this way or that way. Now it's all robotic. But back in the day when he started, it was actually him telling a person, move the camera this way or that way or to this, you know, they had set numbers and all this crap. I don't fully understand that, but that's the way he explained it to be. But yeah, so we made the move to Kentucky. You know, we were doing really well, but. I always knew that, you know, Dave had, I knew that alcohol was always an issue. It wasn't bad when we first got married, but it slowly progressed. And if you know anything about alcoholism, you know that it is a progressive disease that builds over time, gets slowly worse. And I think that some of his demons, is what finally got him in the end. But in saying that, you know, when the children were small, he knew how to deal with all the problems and things. But as they grew into teenagers and having a free mind and wanting to think on their own or maybe having their own ideas, I think that's where he had difficulty and just could not move past the point of them becoming young adults. and being able to understand that I was more lenient, he was more strict, which just crazy to me because with him being loving parties, loving being a very extrovert, that he would be the opposite with the kids, that he would let them be more free and I was be the one that would keep them, pull them back, right? But no, he was very, he was, I don't want to say strict, but he He had three rules for them. Stay in school, and if you're not in school, you'd be working. If you're not working, stay out of jail. And that was his rules to that. Like, hey, whatever. You guys went to Kentucky, but then eventually you ended up in Charleston. Well, yeah, no. I actually was, you know, we lived in Kentucky for 20 years. We finished raising the kids there. Our oldest daughter actually graduated from the University of Kentucky, middle child. He was working at a company in Kentucky. And then our youngest daughter, she was in college while we were there in Kentucky. And then I, I got laid off from my job. And it was a major blow. I'd been with them for a long time. I'd actually moved up through the ranks and I was actually the major breadwinner of the family. was, you know, everything financially was even though he had study job, he was a high functioning alcoholic. You know, he went to work every day. He did his job. He was good at his job. It's just after the job. But you know, There was some jealousy there of what I made and made more money. It was an ego thing that I was the breadwinner of the family. so anyway, I ended up getting laid off from my job. And at that point, the alcoholism had become so bad where, you know, not in a good point in his life. you know, anytime you're dealing with alcoholism, A lot of things can happen, a lot of things when they are out of control and some of the things that happen can be emotional, it can be physical, it can be, you know, a lot of different things with an alcoholic and especially when they are out of control. And so when the layoff happened, it seemed to escalate a lot higher. After this happened and things settled down, I did end up getting a job, but I got a job in South Carolina, in Greenville, South Carolina, actually. And at that point, the alcoholism was so bad that I made that move by myself. And I told him I was going to make that move by myself. I felt like I needed time, I needed space, I needed to figure out exactly what I wanted. um and that I felt like it was time for us to separate. So when I made that move, one of the questions, it was actually a corporate move. They came in, they packed me, they took everything, they put it in pods and sent it over to Greenville. so... He asked me, know, how long are we going to be separated? Because I didn't tell him at that point that I wanted a divorce. I just said that I think at this point it's best that you try to figure out yourself and try to figure out what you need to do to get away from having alcohol as your crutch every single day of your life. And, you know, I said, at that point, let's look at the situation six months or a year. Let's live apart. You know, we were kids when we got married. got, you know, we brought kids into this world ourselves. And I think that neither one of us had the opportunity to grow into adults. We tried to do it together. And I think we did a pretty good job, but I think that the disease held him back in a lot of ways. Anytime you take any type of substance, right? it alters the brain function. And when you're continuously putting a substance in your body, your brain never fully gets rid of those, of that substance. And so you're not thinking clearly. So it's a matter of that I felt like he needed to figure out himself and I needed to figure out myself. I'd had enough, I was done dealing with. situations of being out all night or being gone or not knowing where he was. So anyway, made the move to Greenville and we did live apart and I thought he was getting better. You know, we talked daily. He moved into his own apartment. He was doing well, still had the same job he always had. But little did I know that he was still doing a lot of things and more at that. point. But again, whether I was being naive or not, he ended up getting a job in Greenville and moved. But at that point, I didn't even let him move in with me. We were still married and everything, but I felt like I wanted him to be in the same area and spend time together and see if everything was going to work out. And so he got his own apartment when he moved over to Greenville. And everything went well for a long, long time. We actually even bought our dream home that we both really wanted and really loved. was uh just something that we really wanted. so moved back in together and that's where it all just seemed to go downhill. Not only was drinking even more, he was on other substances, cocaine. um He was on What's the medication you take for when you have a... Is it Adderall? Yeah, take an Adderall on a regular basis. So what he was doing was trying to counteract the alcohol, which is a depressant, using the Adderall to try to bring him up because he was a true ADD patient, right? And that has an opposite effect on you and brings you up and so on and so forth. Then at night trying to sleep would take sleeping. medication is to try to go to sleep at night and it all just came spiraling. So in 2019, we had an episode where he attempted suicide at that point and he was out of his fucking mind. I come to find out later on he was doing moonshine. He was drinking moonshine. Okay. You know, which is High alcohol content. I'm assuming it was in store about Munchra and backwoods South Carolina somewhere, right? um And he was on the phone with his brother, you know, telling him that he was done. He hated being in Greenville. He felt like it was the worst place in the world, which made me feel like shit. You know, I got a job where I knew that I could make decent money. I made this decision. So him telling his brother, know, and obviously I could hear this whole conversation even though he was out in the garage having this conversation with his brother and I was inside the house. He talked very loudly. His voice traveled. I could hear everything he was saying to his brother, you know, and it just crushed me. But as he's sitting talking to his brother about all this and, you know, how he's feeling and just... doesn't want to deal with life anymore, has his gun cabinet open. I'm beginning to get very nervous at that point, you know, because we see on the news murder, suicide things, and I'm thinking, my gosh, this could go south really fast, you know? really quick. There's a previous she diaries. There was a police standoff and one of the officers told them that once someone loses the respect for their own life, they can quickly then lose respect for anyone else's. Absolutely, very quickly. And it's a very scary situation that we were in. And I knew that at that point. actually, son, my children are older at this point, right? They're older at the point of 2019. My son was born in 95. Are they still in the house? Did they move with you to Greenville or are they off in college? So my youngest daughter moved with me to Greenville. um actually is, uh which I'm very proud of. She's a pediatric intensive care unit nurse. A lot of care, lot of love there, which is amazing to me. like, my God, I raised a decent person, you know, in the middle of an alcoholic situation. But my son was actually there with me because my youngest daughter had gone, she was on vacation somewhere. She had went. I can't remember. I think she went to her sister's or something in Atlanta. So anyway, my son calls 911 and you know, hey, we need to get somebody out here, know, causing all these issues. And two, while it should be the last thing you worry about, right? It's embarrassing. Your neighbors know what the fuck's going on. They know that they can hear. all this disruption and everything. And so the sheriff's come out and he plays them off. He plays them off. Everything's fine. Everything's good. No, I'm not, you know, there's no problem. I'm not suicidal, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, So they love. They left, they didn't even get to... They didn't give you any options, didn't even come and talk to me. They didn't even come and talk to me. One, I was inside the house. I did not want to go out there anyway. I didn't even want to go outside anyway. So they didn't even talk to me. They talked to him lo and feel like that's even more dangerous. This is assumptive, okay, so police are called, he waves them off, police leave. I can only imagine he could be feeling a lot of things, but one of those things could be anger at you guys. Yeah, calling back. Calling the police and for trying to get him help, but it's help that he doesn't want. friend. Did this situation escalate or how did how did things? it ended up escalating at this point. It wasn't an escalation on me, but, and I apologize. I said the gun cabinet was open. The gun cabinet got opened after the police, the sheriff had left. So that's what prompted my son to call the sheriff the second time or the police the second 911 the second time. And they, the 911 operator told him and me to get out of the house immediately. Said, out of there. don't stay, we'll send somebody, get out of the house. And so I didn't have access to my car keys, I didn't have nothing. And so I put the dog on the leash and we just started walking down the street, started walking down the subdivision street. And just to get away, while my son's on the phone with 911, eventually the sheriff did show up. So during the situation where we're walking off, the sheriff shows up, he had gone in, gotten a butcher knife and start slashing his wrists. Everywhere, slashing his wrists. And they finally, I don't know all the details, because obviously I'm not in the house at the time. And they finally get him to drop the knife and they put him in an ambulance. Obviously he needed medical attention at that point. So, you know, move forward. We had to fight with a doctor to get him help. He went into the hospital, told them they were fine. They gave him treatment, wrapped up his wrist. They said it was superficial. I told them, I do not want him back in my house. Do not allow him out of that hospital. He needs mental health. He needs alcohol attention, help with his alcoholism. Actually, what had to happen was my brother-in-law had to get on the phone because they would not, they were gonna release him. They did not believe me. So what ended up happening is my brother-in-law, his brother got on the phone with the doctor and had to sign documents saying that we would not sue that doctor if they placed a a cycle on him for 30 days based upon this. You're just obviously protecting yourselves without him realizing it. You're trying to save his life. You're trying to him. Cutting yourself with knives, wanting to say you want to die. Obviously there's something that's not right there. It's very very wrong. Was he ever open to getting help on his own? Did he even think he had a problem? Okay. And actually when he was younger, he was in AA. He knew he had an alcohol problem. He went to AA for when our son was born. He was in AA. I was going to Al-Anon. That lasted for about a year and a half, but he refused to do anything about it. I'm in the 30-day cycle. oh yet the 30 day cycle, but what ended up happened is David, David agreed to go to rehab. He voluntarily said, I don't want to be here in the mental health ward at the hospital or place that they sent him that the inpatient place they sent him. said, I'm going to a lot to go to rehab. And so I was like, that's fine, but I still don't come on him back. I do not want that man anywhere near my children, near me. If he is to, if something goes wrong, then he relapses. No, don't want him anywhere near me. And crust is gone. mean, you were already trying to separate. You welcomed him back and then it escalated even further. He needs to figure his traumas out. He needs to figure out how to handle his emotions and deal with the things that are going on that are making this happen as well as the alcoholism. Yeah, absolutely. Totally agree 100%. So he goes to rehab and keep in mind this is the height of COVID. we're in COVID, right? So everything's shut down, basically. One of the things that you're supposed to do when someone enters rehab or the place that he chose to go to rehab was the family comes and they have like family therapy also. And at that point, he would be allowed to call family or whatever, like 15 minutes every day or something like that. And that's fine. And we eventually were talking and he became very spiritual and he became very clear minded. And I recognized the man that he was before the alcoholism progressed to the point where he became this crazy. And so I felt like the rehab was working. I felt like he was committed. I felt like that it was something that it was going to be okay and it was going to work out. But so Anyway, after rehab, 45 days goes by, he's in rehab, I let him. don't want you Yep, I'll find myself. can have fun yourself because here's the deal. You have loved him for so long. But then the father of their kids, have, you, there's a lot of trust that has been broken, but there's also hope. There's, there's hope. There's for someone that you love, for somebody that you deeply care about, for somebody that you want to get better. And when he's in rehab and you see glimmers of this person you deeply love, I think anyone naturally would say, what if this is working? What if this time, this is a great time. So I, that is okay. Your response, I just, want to give you permission to know that that is okay. Yeah, it's a matter of hindsight being twang twang, right? And as I continue my story, but you do, make the decisions that you feel like are the best for everyone at the time. I wrote this list. I mean, there was like 30 things on this list that he had to abide by to come back to the house, to come back to my life, you know? And one of them was go to AA, go to doctor's appointments, listen to what the doctors tell you. He worked second shifts, so he'd like to listen to the television loud at night. And I'm trying to sleep because I work first shift. You can't have the TV blasting in the middle of the night because I've got to have my sleep too to be able to function during the day. It just things like that, that I wrote out in this list of things that the expectations when he came, if he came back. he comes back, what happens? Like how, how does- He comes back, it's great, it's great, it's wonderful. It is a man that wanted, I could tell, he was going to AA, he was, you know, it wasn't perfect, don't get me wrong, but he was a lot different human being, period. But fast forward a year, he lost his mom unexpectedly and he relapsed at that point. And he went from zero to a thousand. in a very, very short amount of time, very short amount of time. Ended up, I had actually had another job offer. A company came recruiting me and offered me a position here in Charleston, South Carolina. I've always wanted to retire on the beach. It has always been one of my goals in life is to be able to retire, when I retire, to be on the beach. And so I was like, This is a sign. I need to go. You know, this is, this is perfect. You know, at that point, even though I knew he had relapsed at that point, it wasn't bad, but we moved. It jacked his whole world up. Fucked his whole world up. He actually got a job here at a TV station. was, he just, every single drug he could get his hands on, every single bottle of alcohol he could get his hands in. He was drinking 24 seven and on August the 12th, he sends me a text and in that text it says, basically lined out what happens when someone dies in the first five weeks of death of losing someone. And it said, you know, in the first week, everyone is sad. Everyone is a morning. In the second week, you begin to understand that you are in grief in the third week, something in the fourth week, something else in the fifth week. You're just a memory. And he said, I'm so sorry, I lost my rebuilt. And he sent this text to me and sent it to his brother. It was a group text. And I had actually was that day, I was actually in an attorney's office talking to an attorney about filing for divorce. because I knew that it wasn't ever gonna get better. I had never actually gone to an attorney. I have threatened to divorce him many times. But I was sitting in the attorney's office and I was walking out of the attorney's office and I had heard my phone go off that I got a text, but I didn't look at it. But as I was walking out of her office, I got this ho, I can't even explain the emotion that I felt. It's like someone. kicked me in my stomach and knocked the air out of me, feeling. And I look at my phone and saw his text. And the first thing, I knew he was gone. I knew he was gone at that point. I just, I could feel it. I knew he wasn't with me anymore. And so anyway, walk out of the attorney's office. I call his brother because obviously it's a group text, isn't he? And his brother, I'm like, which I do, which I do. Because in the text also he indicated, you never know what happens when a gun goes off accidentally while cleaning it. So that tells me that he has a firearm. So I'm scared to come back home. No, he's got a firearm, I don't know what I'm gonna do, blah, blah, blah. So anyway, my brother-in-law is like, just call the police and have them go do a wellness check. And I'm like, yeah, but. wonder. I don't know. I just had all kinds of thoughts. You don't think clearly in that type of situation. And keep in mind, as I was raised in a very strict Catholic family, and being raised that way, suicide is your straight into hell. You are done. You're never coming back. I also call my son and say, Brenton, Can you meet me at home? Because of what was going on, I explained everything that was going on to him. And so he's like, I get off at 5.30, go sit in a parking lot and wait for me. As soon as I'm off, then we'll go home together. We'll go to the house together. I was like, okay. It was about an hour and a half. So I went and I sat in a gas station parking lot and I said, Rosary, over and over and over and over in that hour and a half. waiting for him to get off so that we could end up at home together. Fast forward, we get home, we come in the house and we walk all through the house. You know, we're like tiptoeing. I don't know why we were tiptoeing, but we're tiptoeing through the whole house. Not exactly sure what we're walking into, right? Really quick, you mentioned something. When you pulled into the drive. I pull into the driveway and I see the shed doors standing open, which is unusual. Not out of the ordinary, but it was weird. There was a little finch and it was sitting at the top of the one of the doors that were open. It looked at me. I looked at it stared at me for at least 15 seconds. It got my attention for that amount of time. I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but it was a long time in my brain. looked it in and then flew off. And I knew that was Dave. I knew it was Dave telling me goodbye at that point, but it didn't all register until everything was over. And so anyway, we're walking through the house, he's not in here. And I was like, he's in the shed, he's in that shed. I know he's in that shed. And you have to imagine it's not a tiny shed, it's a woodworker shed. He loved working with wood. He made lanterns, he made... He candlesticks, made planters, he made all kinds of stuff uh in his woodshed and sold them on Etsy and stuff like that and to local people. And I could not gather the courage to go look in that shed. And my son, and he's 32 years old at the time, which doesn't matter. It's still your child regardless of how old they are, but he's... He finally said, fuck it and said, I'm walking out there. And I'm like, Princeton, don't walk out there. Don't walk out. I didn't want him to see something like, you know, if my intuition was right, I didn't want him to see something like that and be scarred for the rest of his life, right? And so he walks out there and he walks to the edge where the doors are open. He looks in there, looks to his left. turns around and screams go back in the house and slams a shut door shut. I was like, yeah, that was that I knew he was gone at that point. Didn't know how at that point didn't know what exactly what happened. And I dropped to my knees and screamed no, because at that point I know he's gone. And Brenton gets on the phone and he calls 911. The operator actually 911 operator said I need you to go back in there and check and see if he's breathing. And I screamed, said, do not go back in there. No, do not go back in again, running through my brain. No person should see the parent or any other human being um passed away from suicide. So basically the first sheriff shows up and he comes in the door and he's like, what's going on? What's going on? I'm like, out back, my son's out back, my son's out back. And he didn't even understand what I was saying. I don't think the 911 operator conveyed that my son was the one that was calling in, or at least it doesn't seem like it. so the sheriff's like, and then my son comes to the back door and the sheriff like put his hand on the gun, on his gun. And he's like, you know, who are you kind of thing. And my son put his hands up like this. And he said, my, It's my dad, he's out in the shed. I think he's dead. And the sheriff's like, okay, and then walks out to the shed. From there EMT showed up. was sheriffs everywhere. We live out on an island of Charleston and so it's not in city. So sheriffs were everywhere. On my street, my street was blocked off. The EMT comes in at one point after they've been out there for a while and he said, you know, I just want to let you know that I've been with your husband at this time, but I just want to let you know it doesn't look good. And I'm going, yeah, cause he's fucking dead. Again, not knowing how, didn't know, but I knew that he was gone. I knew he was gone at that point. I'm sitting on my couch inside the house, you know, and I have these officers coming in and out. have EMTs coming in and out and in and out and All I could think of was, no, you can't tell me he's gone because a coroner has to tell me that. I knew that that's a state law. Somehow I knew that. I don't know how, but I knew that an EMT worker cannot tell someone deceased. It needs to be a doctor. uh or on corner. So anyway, the coroner um shows up and comes in and talks to me and tells me that David's gone. But before the, well, let me back up because before the coroner came in, was separated from me because I was screaming that I wanted my son. wanted him next to me and near me while all these people are going in and out. But they pulled Brinton out of the house and it said, come with me. We need to talk to you and put you. put him in the back of the police, the sheriff's car, and questioned him. And one of the questions was, Brenton told me this later on, was where did your dad get the gun? And Brenton's like, what gun? What are you talking about? Because again, we didn't know at that point that David had taken his life with a firearm, with a gun. And Brenton's like baffled, right? He doesn't know what he's talking about. Is still treating this like a criminal case? My house is a crime scene at that point. No yellow tape or drama like that, but still I've got... you know, the street blocked off. I can see out my front window that there's at least five, six, seven sheriff's cars sitting outside my house. um Ambulance, a fire truck shows up. Totally anyway. When they're done talking to Brenton, the detective that was there, he, I guess, was talking to other emergency people and stuff and comes in in my garage door to the house and says, how's everybody doing today? I'm sitting on the couch in the living room thinking, motherfucker, how do you think I'm doing? The most, at his big smile on his face, just juvenile type, know, just not treating the situation, understanding what anyone was feeling in that situation, you know, or that moment of their life. And It's another day for him on the job and for you that was a pivotal life changing moment and there's no empathy or understanding or even emotional awareness of y'all and what you're going through. Yeah, absolutely. Just the whole, I've seen this 50 times kind of feeling, you know, and everybody should be fine. I, no, I'm not fine at any point. And so after he did that, I think he kind of caught himself because I kind of saw the change in his face because he came in and sat down on the recliner in my living room and then asked about text and I told him about the text and then... Brenton came and got me. He laughed and Brenton came and got me and they said, they need to talk to you. And I was like, okay. And he said, go out front to the house. I walk out front. Okay. Neighbors walking down the street, people looking out the windows and everything. He's on the phone, this detective. And I'm standing in the middle of my street for at least five minutes going, okay, you wanted to talk to me. He gives me this, he's on the phone. He gives me this, just a minute. kind of thing. And I'm going, I'm standing there. I'm standing there praying and also going, please don't let me start crying in the middle of the street in the middle of my subdivision. There's no privacy. There's no element of privacy in your neighbors. See everything. Like it's yet and you're still being treated like you guys are separated and questioning to get different statements. And at this point you're still being treated like, did you do this? And I want to for movies that have to do their investigations, but I feel like there's some tact missing. Yeah, at one point in my brain, went to, have an hour and a half that you can't explain. No one, no one could vouch for you for an hour and a half. So they're thinking that you had this motive because you were saying that you wanted this divorce and you had this, this was all running through my brain that they possibly could be thinking that I did this to my husband. So I'm kind of freaking out on that, but also in a state of shock, I'm also grieving at that point. I'm also thinking my husband is burning in hell. So all these things and this whole big wad of brain thought, right? And shock and just... just trying to figure, know, going, my God, am I going to go to jail kind of those thoughts also ran through my head like, my God, what am I, how am I going to be able to explain my time and blah, blah. then later on hindsight being 20, 20, they could have trapped my phone, right? You know, I had my location services on, like I could have that I was sitting in a parking lot, right? I sat in my car for at least 20 minutes, him drawing me with questions, and he did not stop. And I know this sounds, I know this sounds kind of like, I don't know what it sounds like, but once I start crying, I felt like then he believed me. Like you were showing the right reaction at that point. You were giving him the reaction he needed to believe you versus just straight up believing you. I think that is just so frustrating because if you don't act a certain way, then there's cause and everyone acts so differently. Everyone reacts so differently. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I genuinely am and I... I mean, we finally believed. You have to understand that when you're in this type of a relationship, you learn how to control emotions. Because if you have the wrong reaction at the wrong time could cause problems in this type of a alcoholic relationship. So for me, it was understanding how to control my emotions for a long time. And I feel like in that... oh sheriff's car, I was able to hold my emotions for so long because I had taught myself for so long how to do that. And for me to be put through that drill of the questioning is just unimaginable. you're right, everyone reacts differently and that was part of the why I reacted the way I did. know, the What ended up happening was this detective that did all this questioning and he was the one that came in the door and made the how is everybody doing comment and everything. His boss showed up to the scene and kind of took over. And that's when the coroner came in and told me, know, David's gone, blah, blah, blah, even though I knew he was already gone. And he took over, this detective took over and... him and the coroner sat with me. So, and we're talking from the time period of about 6 p.m. They didn't leave until 10 p.m. that night. So four hours of going through all this. You know, at one point the coroner told me, you know, we have to, we have to take him out of the shed. And, you know, I said, I don't want to see him. You know, and he said, absolutely not. You know, he's like, go ahead and close the curtains and stuff so that when we bring him out, you don't have to see anything like this or anything. And luckily the shot is on the side of the house where you don't, there's not many windows. so they finally take him away. I mean, that's how I, you know, the coroner put some of the pieces together, told me that he did use a small caliber handgun. didn't tell me where. I know it was somewhere in his upper extremities that he um took his life. that's our story. That's how I lost my David. So everybody eventually leaves. One of your children, no, but you still have two other children to tell, a funeral to plan. And this has kind of been now your last nearly year of, a lot of times when this happens, people say, well, business comes first. The business of planning the funeral, the business of telling everybody, the business of the estate and whatever it may be. How has the after and from the the media planning to today and how how are things with you and and the kids to the that you want that you After everyone left, called, actually texted my youngest daughter and asked her if her boyfriend was with her. They lived together, because I wanted to make sure that they were with someone when I had to tell them. Because she still lives up in the Greenville area. I'm in Charleston three hours away. But anyway, I call her and I told my youngest daughter, My husband and my youngest daughter were the closest. Of the three children, there was something there between them and that was the most difficult call I had to make. Because my son had called my brother-in-law his brother while the police showed up. So he already knew and then did the same thing with my oldest daughter, made sure that her boyfriend was with her and then... She actually had COVID at the time was sick in bed and I didn't know that. But I remember clearly the conversation with my oldest daughter because I got on the phone and I said, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm beside myself. I'm every emotion you possibly could think of right now. Because all I could think, another thought that I was having is I'm finally free, which brings a lot of guilt, but I'm finally free. So her and her exact response to that was I'm having the same emotions right now. fast forward through the time period of planning, his wishes were always, hindsight being 2020, there were several conversations in the weeks leading up to this, which should have been triggers for me or alerts or alarms going off, make conversations with me. And understand this was over several weeks of time. He said that, you know, we could take all his t-shirts and make it into a t-shirt blank, a blanket, you know, a memory blanket. He may have that conversation with me at one time. don't know how it came up. Said that he told me he's like, I just want to remind you that my wish is to be cremated. And I was like, okay, what brought that on? I remember actually asking him. It's just, I just wanted you to know. And I said, well, you'll be done gone. What do you care at that point? I'm going to bury you. And he's like, you better not put me in a box in the ground. It was very serious. And I blew it off. Understanding during that time that he was drinking heavily again, that I was done. I'm not putting up with this shit anymore. So those kinds of conversations, didn't one plus one in my brain, right? That he's telling me that he's planning this and several weeks beforehand. Another conversation was that I'd make wreaths. I had found wreath making years before when I figured out that I had to figure out something for me. I had to figure out a way other than work and taking care of the kids and taking care of him and taking care of our home and everything, I had to find something where I could release my stress. And just out of nowhere, I found this video or found a live of making bows and come to find out. have a little bit of a knack at doing this stuff. So anyway, he made the comment to me, you need to be making funeral or memorial arrangements and wreaths. ah I sell on Etsy. He's like, when you make and put on Etsy, that's something you need to work on. Hindsight being 2020 that he told me all those things, it's like, oh. were like not all at once over the course of a few weeks, right? And this has clearly been on his mind, but he's not coming out and saying it either. And you in our pre-meeting, you said something really powerful, which was like, I knew I needed to leave him or else I was going to die myself. Yeah, it would, your mentality at this point, and I don't want this to be, I don't want to skip through this. This is really critical. Your mentality at this point is also survival mode for yourself. Yeah, absolutely. It was to the point where I was trying to decide if I wanted to continue my life with him, without him, or at all. I was in the midst of losing myself totally. And the only thing that kept me going was routine, is knowing that I don't even know exactly what was keeping me going at that point, but something was telling me to keep going. And my decision was to file for divorce. Even though in the back of my brain, I knew that I was never gonna get away from him. was never gonna be free from him, but at least I could be, at least it would be in separate houses, know, was what I was envisioning in a divorce, you know. I knew that someway, somehow that I had to get out of there or I was going to. I had had thoughts of killing myself because I didn't know any other way to become free. I didn't know how to get away. I didn't know how to stop what was happening. I had tried everything I could think of. I'd be mad. I'd be happy. I'd drink with them. Nothing worked. Nothing worked. while I knew that wasn't the answer because again, being raised in very strict Catholic household, that's not the answer to the problem, right? But it doesn't stop somebody's brain when you're in that type of situation of how do I be free? How do I get away from this? I can't live like this anymore. So yes, that was a time. And actually when I knew that I was gonna go see the divorce attorney at the same time, I set up a counseling a therapist appointment. And I think it was a godsend that I had that appointment was the day after seeing the attorney. So in knowing that David kills himself on the 12th, the 13th, I'm seeing a therapist and telling her all this. It was a godsend that I had somebody that I could talk to that soon, right? Because most people have to wait, you know, a time period to be able to sit down and talk to somebody even though I was brain fog, widow fog, whatever you want to call it. My brain is shut down. At least I had somebody to talk to because at no time other than sending a chaplain to my home has did any of the authorities offered to get someone to help me. No one was offered to help me. Everybody just left and moved on to the next emergency. Yeah. one point, and this is something I definitely wanted to quickly touch on, because how you found the podcast as you started listening to Alexandra Wyman's Forward to Joy. Yes. And she's guest too on She Diaries. How did you find her and what did that mean to you to be able to hear other stories and hear from firsthand experience? Yeah, it meant the world to me. Just one day, well, let me back up. So my mentor, Reese, um she recently about less than a year ago started a podcast. whenever she does her live, she's like, I'm going to start this podcast, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I've been listening to her podcasts. I just want to give shout out. I love you, Julie Simaco. You are everything to me. You have helped me so much. But anyway, thought. You know what, there's gotta be some type of podcast out there that for widows that have lost on a widow to suicide, there's gotta be something out there. So just one day I did a search and found Forward to Joy's podcast. And I listened to every single one of her podcasts. And the very first one is going through the experience of losing her story. of that day and what happened in her losing her husband by death by suicide. And then one day I saw that she was going to be on your podcast and that's how I got here. That's how I got here. But not only did I listen to Alexandria's story and her podcast, now that listening to her, she had a guest on hers by the name of Olena Boile, who I see as a therapist now and I've been seeing her for almost a year now. I see her in the first weeks afterwards. was seeing her twice a week. I'm now down to seeing her like every three weeks, but I truly believe that finding Alexandria, something told me to look for that podcast or find that podcast and has led me down to finding each next step to help me heal. You know, one of the things that I learned in this journey was you know how to deal with trauma. You know how to deal with depression. You know how to deal with all the bad things. What you need to learn is how to accept joy, how to accept happiness, how to accept love and how to help, how to self-love yourself again. You know how to deal with all those bad things. You don't know how to accept all the good things. And that is something that that was very powerful to me, that I've learned that during this journey. Also, another thing that I've learned during this journey is whether you believe it or not, that there are signs. And I also learned that there isn't. There isn't complete damnation for people in this situation because I asked God, I was like, God, how, if you say you are loving God and that you love everyone, how can you damn someone that is in... mental anguish that has a disease that even though they didn't want to get the help, how can you do that being a loving God? It is something that I truly believe that our spirits go to another place, whether it's to learn, it's to help and guide and to heal, that it's not internal damnation, that it's not a forever sentence to someone. So that was really powerful to me also, but I could talk for a long time about all that. No, it's a full circle moment for you though. It is a full circle from being in the gas station parking lot and saying the rosary and hoping that his soul is safe because you genuinely knew at that time without proof that he was no longer with you. And then now he's watching over. I mean, we were saying before this, he probably delayed our podcast just to remind you it's just about, I mean, see him? It's just how it's all that and you know, there are signs and you know, to see for him to see you today sharing your story and to get through the last 11 months. How do you think? Do you think you'd be proud of how far you've come? uh I think, I mean, he always, even though he was a shed, he drove me nuts. He always, I always called him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because when he was sober, he was the best husband that I could have ever asked for. He was encouraging, said I was beautiful. He would, it was a different human being and was very supportive of everything and was very proud of me. And was always talking, friends would tell me, he always talks about you, we get sick of hearing about you, blah, blah. And I'm like, I don't know that. But anyway, I think right now that he would be even more proud and more happy for me. I don't know, I would love to, have you ever seen those things on posts on Facebook? It's like, if you could have 30 minutes with someone that's passed away. What questions would you ask them? And he's like, gosh, you know, I would love that most questions. That'd be a long and quick 30 minutes all at the same time. Well, I know one of the things you wanted to talk about too is blessings and you are going to have a red big soon. It's, you know, your later life is still moving on and you still are seeing the blessings and you're seeing, you know, the next steps and still the picture, the future is bright, you know, for you and for your kids. My youngest daughter, um she found out in December that she is pregnant, which is our first grandbaby. Maybe the only grandbaby that I will take it and love it and hug it and squeeze it and kiss it. yeah, and then my oldest daughter, um she got engaged in March and I know this sounds awful. but these things would have never happened if Dave was alive. All three of my children had made a decision long ago that they weren't having children, they weren't gonna bring them into this type of environment. I don't wanna say environment because they're out of my house, you know, they're gone, but they were very scared to carry on any type or take it into another generation. I think they were trying to break the cycle. especially my girls, they're both very intelligent women and knew that, you know, there's always a possibility of alcoholism in them or, you know, bringing some of that trauma, generational trauma into their household and always told me that they weren't going to have children. So in saying that, knowing I'm going to have a grandchild is extremely joyful for me. Knowing that my oldest daughter is going to get married, that it tells me that they can move on and that we can, you know, that the cycle is broken. Even though it's the most horrible, horrible thing that's ever happened to all of us in our lives, it all tells me that we can survive this too. What did that a lot of the women say, whether it's been 30 years, whether it's been just a few years, it's always just their biggest advice to anybody going through this is just give yourself grace. There's no right way, wrong way to move forward. It's the hardest thing. People say it all the time, give yourself grace, give yourself grace. But boy, it's hard to fight those negative emotions, right? And that's one thing. I truly give blessing to my therapist because if I didn't have her, I don't know where I'd be as of today because working through all those emotions. because you have that negative chatter in your head and it can take you to very dark places. And I believe that those dark places where David was and if only, you know, I can say if only all day long, but for me having someone to work through those things and understand that I'm not alone, you know, that it is, there is life after this is very important. If my story helps one woman out there understand, then it's all worth it to me. It's all worth it. It's all worth it. And then I want to read one thing, if you don't mind, before we go. No, this will be a great closing. Michelle, you're amazing. You know, and I said, if my podcast, you know, and I'm no one special, I'm no one, you know, I don't have degrees. I don't have, you know, I haven't written books. I haven't done anything, but I just want you to know, people to know and other women, because right now the largest statistic, 68 % of suicides in the United States are white males at this point. So that means there's a lot of women in my shoes right now. Just know to keep fighting, keep fighting. Cry if you need to, break down if you must, but don't you dare stop believing. Your journey matters, your story matters, and women, when women rise, mouths move. I appreciate those do. Thank you. You're going to be helping a lot of people in your story matters. And I am so grateful you found me and we figured out a way to tell your story. Thank you so much, Michelle. eh Thank you for joining us for this episode of She Diaries. We know these conversations can be incredibly heavy. If you're feeling overwhelmed or need support, please take a moment to care for yourself. In the show notes, you'll find links to mental health resources, crisis lines, and support groups. If you're in crisis or need immediate help, call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. You are not alone. If today's story moved you, we'd love for you to subscribe, leave a review, or share the episode with someone who might need it. To stay connected, follow us on social media at BrightSkyHouse and subscribe to our e-newsletter at brightskyhouse.com. If you'd like to connect with a guest or share your own story for a future episode, send us a note at hello at brightskyhouse.com. Every story deserves to be heard. Thank you for helping bring this one to light. Until next time, I'm Krista Gregg and this is She Diaries. These are feelings, drive me away