Hey guys, thanks so much for joining me today on Behind the Curtain. I'm your host, Rebecca Harvin, and this is where we have honest conversations about foster care and adoption. I am really behind on editing interviews right now. So I'm coming to you this week with another unedited podcast. So you get me.
And uh the topic that I want to talk about today is about sustainability. Um I don't think that I would be exaggerating if I told you that I think about this word in a variety of different ways every single day. Um, it is literally in the mission statement of Haven. We exist to create sustainability in foster care and adoption. So I mean, I think about it when I come to work. I think about it when I'm talking to members of the community, I think about it when I'm looking at my team and I'm going, what does sustainability look like for Haven? How do we create sustainability? I think about it in a variety of ways. Um, but what I want to talk to you about today is the way that I um think about sustainability when it comes to my family. And then the number of times that I have looked at my family and um the way that we are operating and said, this is not sustainable, uh, or at our schedule and said, This is not sustainable. Um gosh, if I had a nickel for every time that I did that, I would be a rich lady. And and if I'm being really honest, um it could be any number of reasons that that I say that. So um, but I didn't always ask this question. Um I didn't even know to ask this question, I think, at first. I think we got into foster care and it just was like head down there's a kid in our home that has a need. We are gonna meet this need, right? And and um it just went like that over and over and over again of at a pace that because I never asked the question, um, the pace truly was unsustainable. Um so I got us into you know a little bit of a mess. I landed myself in, well,
okay. So uh the first time that I asked this question is uh it's New Year's Eve of 2018. So it is about to be or hours away from 2019. And I don't know about you guys, but that time, I I talked about this earlier this year. The time between Christmas and New Year's, I I really love that time. I I dream during that time, I think about the previous year during that time, I think, you know, what worked, what didn't work, and and it's actually a little bit of a surprise that I was able to even kind of think that because in 2018, that December, I spent the majority of that month in my bed, um, absolutely frozen, completely exhausted. It was the first true season of caregiver burnout that I ever experienced. And um, you know, when I talk about starting Haven, that December is um what I'm pulling from. And it happened like that because of a season that happened right before. And I know that I talk about this season um often, sometimes really briefly, and sometimes a little bit more in depth, but um it had been from July until December of that month, it had been one thing right after the other. And because I never asked the question of sustainability and the pace that we were um running at in our house, especially in foster care, we said yes. Um when, you know, I guess, you know, looking back that that a wiser decision would have been no. Now hindsight is 2020, right? And um, that yes changed our lives, not in the way that we anticipated with adoption, but in the sense of of it from that yes, we started Haven and um yeah, a whole lot of decisions were were made directly after that yes. But we moved that July. We welcomed in a sibling set of three, one at a time, um, which brought the total kid count in our home to eight, um, ages eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. And um, in the middle of that, directly in the middle of that, the our one of our, my, our son,
um, was diagnosed while he was in and out of the hospital. And then he ended up being diagnosed with the rarest form of a rare disease and and became a really medically complex kid, requiring um some significant medical care that has that has never stopped, right? You guys have heard me, again, you've heard me talk about this often, but that all happened at the same time in our lives. And so it is a surprise to me that that New Year's Eve, I had the mental capacity to stand at my um back door. I was, I was watching kids play, and I had this question that that came to me, and it was, what if we've been asking the wrong question? We've been trying to figure out how to survive, but what if the question we're really supposed to be asking is how do we thrive here? And I said it out loud because I was I'm an external processor, and Brad was standing right behind me, and and um I, you know, mercifully, mercifully, Brad for his part didn't scoff at the question. Um instead, he just kind of sat quietly and he let my brain do what my brain does best, which is to see a problem and and start to solve it, or to see a question and to start to answer it. Um it is not an exaggeration to say that that moment starts changing our lives. And that's not to say uh you guys know that is not to say that we have not had hard seasons. Obviously we have, but I experience those hard seasons now with this question kind of in the back of my mind. And and if I'm being really honest, sometimes that that question can can feel like if I can't, if I can't get to thriving, right? Then it can it can kind of hang on and and um well, I don't want to discredit the question before I even start to answer it, but but I do want to acknowledge that that it exists for
me now in the hard seasons, and and even if I can't answer it, I still hold on to this question of what would it look to thrive here? And I and I circle back to it regularly. So um for me that day in in 2019, standing at the side door in my kitchen, looking out the window at my kids' play and going, what if we've been asking this the wrong question? We've been asking the question, how do we survive? Um that question had a very specific answer for that season for us. And when I started to think about it, one of the things um, you know, our house was very chaotic. We um three of the kids in our home had moved to their um soon-to-be adoptive home, and uh so we were down to five kids, which felt um manageable, but um very chaotic. And so for me, and and this has been true in in more seasons than that, is um chaos is almost always the thing that even though I have a high tolerance for it, it eventually becomes the thing that makes me feel like I'm drowning. And because I have a high tolerance for it, I don't have many signals um before my head is underwater. And um, or maybe I have the signals and I just ignore them, right? And so um peace is the thing that I come back to often. And in that season, um it became about
it became about simplicity. Um what what would that look like? Um how do I add simplicity? How do I add, you know, in a house that's that's bursting at the seams with kids, how can I add some some visual simplicity? How can I add some white space to to my life? If it's a season where um I'm over-scheduled or over-committed, I go, how can I add some simplicity to my schedule? If it's um, you know, well, I don't want to get into all of the different times that I've that I've asked this question, but but simplicity comes back to the surface. Peace comes back to the surface, right? So so peace, um oftentimes when I think about peace, I think about nature.
SPEAKER_00And so um for me in that moment, in that very specific moment, um I needed to plant a garden.
SPEAKER_01I um I yeah, I needed flowers around me. And in other seasons where I haven't been able to plant a garden, but I know that that is one of the things that that helps my brain. Um, I kind of make a habit of like buying flowers at the store, right? Um and it's these little moments. I I know that I talk about this a lot, um, but I think that there's some some real true validity in in kind of microdosing elements that you can control, right? I can't control so much that happens in my life, but in the in a moment of chaos in my house, I can turn my head and and focus on really pretty yellow flowers on my kitchen countertop. And it doesn't solve the world's problems, but my God, does it help my heart in the moment? And and knowing that, right? So um one of the things there, and I and I'm really am trying to go back to 2019 and stand there at my kitchen window feeling so um again, like I was saying, like I I
can't even tell you, like I'm surprised that my brain could ask this question because it did not function for the month of December. But going, I am a person who loves to have fun. I love to have fun. It is one of the it is one of the um absolute pillars of my life. I love it, I love being funny. So, and I love laughter, right? So fun and laughter are are two of my cues if my if I'm off balance, um, I'm more serious, and I am not as funny in my in my day-to-day life. And so in that moment, it was like, oh, I need to have intentional fun. And what does that look like? What's what's possible here, right? And so I got, I went to the store and I got this. I went to natural life. They had a they had a storefront at the town center, and I got the the letters to the to the word thrive, and I I hung it on a banner over my bed and I focused on that banner. I also hung it, I moved it at one point to my living room and I hung it in my living room. And I just was like, I just kind of like made this question my focus. What would it look like if nothing ever changes? What does it look like to thrive right here? And I would be doing disservice to this, to how I experienced this question. If I didn't tell you that that first of all, this question came originally from my friend's therapist, who is actually now on the board uh of Haven. She was their attachment therapist. And and my friend was sitting in her office and and she, my friend Danielle was sitting in and her name is Stacy, the therapist, said, if nothing changes from now until your daughter is 18, what do you need in order to make it through? Nothing of nothing about this can depend on your daughter changing behavior at all. And so I had that question in the back of my head, and it and it's what was kind of resurfacing, right? The second part of this though, and this is very, this is very unique to my story, and it's very, it's it's not well, let me, I'll just say it, but I I want to acknowledge that I know that that some people listening are not um do not have the same um belief system that that I have. So this comes from a verse in the Bible for me, or a chapter in the Bible rather, that
that may not be helpful to you as you're listening to this. And I just want to leave some space for that. But but for me, there's this chapter in Jeremiah, and people love to misquote this verse where it says, like, for I know the plans that I have for you, plans for your good, plans for you to prosper. And they pull that out and they put it on coffee mugs and they put it on wall hangings and they put it in lots of these places. But but that verse comes in the center of this passage where Jeremiah the prophet is talking to the Israelites, and he is saying that they have been, they've been sent off into exile. They have been at war, they have been conquered, and they have been taken into exile in Babylon. So elements of this story can be true for you regardless of your belief system, right? And we've all we all experience being in a season of life that we don't want, that we don't, we didn't ask for. Um, even if we signed up for it, even if we signed our name on the line, we didn't know necessarily all of the parts of the story, right? And so um the prophet is is telling the Israelites, you are gonna be here in a for a while. You are going to be in exile for a while. And so the word of the Lord for you is to marry and to have sons and to have daughters and to build houses and to plant trees and to eat the fruit from those trees, and and to be prosperous here in exile because you're gonna be here for a while. And then in the middle of that, it says, because because I know the plans that I have for you, are there plans for your good? And and so, in the context of that for me in my life, is this idea of like in the middle of a season that doesn't feel good, can I plant trees? Can I bear fruit here? Can can this actually be good? Is are the is there um is there good that can come out of this?
SPEAKER_00I try to answer that question as honestly as I possibly can.
SPEAKER_01And um there are a handful of things in this world that I that I look at. There are a handful of situations where I am not there yet, and if I and I wouldn't be able to have this conversation with you and and not be honest about it, that there are a handful of things I have watched friends walk through where good has come and I have thought the good that came from this wasn't worth the grief, wasn't worth the pain, wasn't worth the suffering, it wasn't worth anything. Like I would want, I would want my kid, my friend's child to still be here. I would want it always comes down to that for me. I I can't I can't wrap my head around that one. But in all in all other things, in a lot of other things, even really hard parts of my own story, I can look at and I can say, good came. Good came, and and whether I would choose the the way or not.
Um it doesn't change the fact that I've I have then found myself in this season that was not fun and not pleasant or or marked by grief or marked by loneliness or marked by um chaos or marked by by lots of things and the thing that I'm seeing so often now in this world of foster care and and adoption is and and I have been also guilty myself is like making that like like becoming becoming a victim to that, and I don't mean that in like a I want to be really careful in how I say this. I mean I'm not gonna edit this, so so I want to be very careful in how I say this, but I know that I have felt like a victim to my yeses, that I have felt like a victim, like like I didn't have any control because I'd said yes, and and then and the the aftermath of that in my life, right? And so the collateral the collateral costs of that yes can feel so heavy. There can be seasons uh of just pure exhaustion and and some times it feels like very locked in, and so it's really this very genuine question of of what does it look like to thrive here? And you know, I I mentioned three things that that are like standard, right? So I look for fun, I look for uh I add beauty, I have intentional fun, I I add beauty, and I and I look for ways to simplify. I look for visual simplifications, white space, uh emotionally, physically, visually, all of that stuff. Um And that's a good that's a great place to start. I think it's gonna look different for every single person listening to this. That that is my particular starting place. But there are seasons where where that's not enough. That's not even nearly enough. Last year, that was not enough.
SPEAKER_00Last year, I it was all I could do to to hold on.
SPEAKER_01And and then I found out later towards the end, like that in the letting go is actually where the thriving started happening, right? But in the meantime, it was also um there's there are there are other basics that we can go to, right? Like um, you know, when we had that, when we had the the big commitment at a hospital, I don't really know how to word this and also protect my son's privacy. So um there was just that there was a host of health challenges in in October. And knowing we were gonna go for for 14 days straight to Gainesville, which is two hours away, and back, and that in the middle of that, there was gonna To be some um procedures, and there was gonna, you know, it was this was gonna tax us. No matter which way we looked at it, this was going to, this was going to be exhausting. Um, ahead of time, I was like, my I am committed to um, I have to get good sleep. I have to go to bed at a decent time and sleep for eight hours. I have to move my body every single day. I have to be in the sunlight every single day, and I have to drink water. Basics, what I just listed. But in my normal life, those things are not necessarily the things that I protect at all costs, right? Um, but when I'm looking for like how do we thrive? Well, we don't thrive without any of those. With like none of that can be missing in a season of thriving. It's all going to be present. Um I was listening to something the other day that was like reverse engineer it, right? Like if you are thinking about this question or you're thinking about your life, and maybe you're fine, maybe you're, maybe you're good doing good, and it's like standard operating procedures, right? But it's like it's mundane. I listen, I am here for mundane this year. I want no major life updates. You guys have heard me say this. I'm still standing by it. But but there's a difference between like, um, you know, you can just feel it sometimes where it's like it's not peaceful, it's just we've checked out, it's disassociated, right? A rut is is just there's a checked-out element of it. Um, or maybe you're in a season of of like extreme chaos, or maybe you have a placement in your house and and connection is really hard. And when connection is really hard, that makes everything else feel really hard. Every single thing that you do feel so hard. And and we've talked so much about um, you know, love being a verb and love being more than more than a feeling, and it's an action. And and this is me saying that there in this place, you can also thrive. That you, that, that it is possible to thrive. And so what does that look like? And because because that is what creates sustainability, right? For for my family, it's it's what is our pace right now? Is it sustainable? What is our what is how are our relationships? Is it sustainable right here? Where where um where do I need to put my attention in order to to create a little bit more um room to thrive? Where do I, what needs to be pruned to help thrive? Like if we think about this in gardening terms. Listen, I'm a horrible gardener because I live in Florida and it's hot as it's so hot. I will refrain from swearing on the podcast. But but I don't like to go outside in June and July and August. And so the plants don't get watered, right? And and every year I'm like, this is gonna be the year, but it's not, it never is. Um we just think about this in terms of of gardening. Plants need to be pruned, plants need good soil, they need water, they need sunshine. Um but okay, sorry. Like I was saying, um, I was listening to this thing the other day and they talked about reverse engineering. And so one of the ways that you can answer this question if you are thinking about it, is to say, what does it look like to drown? Um, that might be a really easy question to answer. What are the elements, what are the particular things that are making me feel like I'm drowning right now? Um and then what's the opposite of that? And going to the opposite, it's is how you answer that question. The opposite of chaos is peace. Peace looks like this, peace feels like this to me, peace feels like nature. And so I need to add that to my life. Um, this last year, uh there's buying fresh flowers, and I did, I did. Uh I needed beauty around me everywhere this last year, but it that was throwing a pebble at a uh, you know, in the ocean and hoping to make a wave. Like it just wasn't, it wasn't gonna be enough. But so then it's like, okay, I need I need more. I need to go, I need to be on the water. And I really learned last year that my soul um is at ease on water specifically, or around it. Um, better if best if I'm in a kayak um or on a boat in some way, right? Um intentional fun looked a whole lot of ways. Intentional fun also looked like booking a girl's trip to Boston and laughing for days. And that was enough. That was enough. It that carried me for a long time last year. Um, it was a it was a huge commitment, but I needed that that kind of same intensity. Um yeah, those are just those are a couple of of my ideas. I want to encourage you. Um we started talking about sustainability and then I really started talking about thriving. But but it's that's what sustainability feels like though, right? Like that's that's that's actually the thing is that that's um it's not sustainable if you're drowning. You it's not sustainable, you can't do that for forever. And so looking for ways and knowing that that circumstances aside, that we have agency in all of these seasons, and that we we can make choices for ourselves and and for our families to an extent that actually do impact the the emotional state of our home, that our emotional state as we experience it, right? We can I'm trying so hard to like to limit it to just this and not go into every single example that I can talk about and all of the things that that I have um learned over over the last five years. But but let's leave it here for tonight. That to make something sustainable, it looks like life and that that something that's alive can thrive in environments, and we see examples of this all over the place. If we look for examples of thriving in all kinds of adverse situations, we will find them. The opposite is also true. We will find what we're looking for, and so this week I want to encourage you, if you want to, to ask the question, especially if you feel like you're drowning, to ask the question, what would it look like to thrive, even if nothing changed, even if no circumstances changed, what would it look like to thrive here? And start small, start with just yourself. Maybe that maybe we're not gonna solve this question for or or answer this question, not solve it, answer the question for our whole family. Maybe we're just gonna answer it for ourselves. What would it look like for me as an individual, as a human being, as a as a woman or a man, if you're if you're a guy listening to this, but but what would it look like for me to thrive here if nothing else changes? Or not dependent on anything changing. Okay, that's it for this week. I am gonna go ahead and oh crap. I have to be somewhere in 10 minutes. No, in five minutes, and it's 10 minutes away. So I'm gonna go. You guys have a great week. I'm gonna catch you back next week with some edited interviews for the podcast.