Behind the Curtain: Honest Conversations about Foster Care and Adoption
Each episode will feature a conversation between host Rebecca Harvin and foster/adoptive caregivers or members of the community who support foster care and adoption.
Behind the Curtain: Honest Conversations about Foster Care and Adoption
Embracing Imperfection: A Journey Through Motherhood, Foster Care, and Adoption with Tanya Hardaker
What happens when the pursuit of perfection meets the messy reality of motherhood and adoption? Join us for an intimate conversation with Tanya Hardaker, who opens up about her journey through foster care, adoption, and self-discovery. Tanya's raw honesty sheds light on the societal pressures faced by women, especially in the Southern evangelical context, and the liberation found in embracing imperfection. Together, we share personal experiences, challenging the notion of the "perfect" mom and exploring how authenticity can lead to genuine connections and a deeper understanding of faith and community.
Tanya and I take you on a heartfelt journey into the complexities of foster care and adoption, revealing the unexpected beauty and challenges that come with it. We reflect on how adopting a sibling set reshaped our notions of family and spirituality, pushing us beyond the bounds of traditional church life into a more authentic, albeit messier, faith. The emotional toll and sacrifices are real, yet they are met with the unwavering commitment and support needed to navigate this path. Our candid dialogue uncovers the profound impact of community involvement in supporting foster and adoptive families, emphasizing the necessity of a supportive network during challenging times.
Building a supportive community is a lifeline, and through initiatives like Seek Refuge, we find strength in coming together. We discuss the importance of creating a welcoming environment for caregivers, the power of community-driven efforts like Christmas toy drives, and how tangible support can prevent unnecessary family separations. This episode is a testament to the resilience fostered through open, honest conversations, and the hope found in everyday struggles. Join us as we celebrate the small victories and the profound difference community support can make in the lives of those navigating the foster and adoption journey.
Thanks for joining us on Behind the Curtain. I'm your host, Rebecca Harvin, and my guest today is T sight of hope. She will bring you closer to the good that is happening out there in the world around you. I hope that you enjoy this conversation with her as much as I did. Hi, Tanya, Welcome to the podcast. I'm so excited You're our first guest. When I was thinking about this podcast, I was like who do I know? That shows up honestly all of the time, in every situation, even when it's hard.
Speaker 1:Even at embarrassment to herself and that is you, tanya Hardacre, you and I met in your driveway. Yes, years ago like six, almost seven years ago, I feel like I was in my first year of foster care. You were giving away motorized Jeep. What was it?
Speaker 2:It was like one of those drive-along cars and somebody had given it to us because we had so many kids. And then my kids were punching each other in the front yard over it. And so you get to these phases where you're just like something's got to give. And so I sent out an alert and my friend was like, oh, this girl, Rebecca, she's fostering, she would love it. So you and I met in my driveway.
Speaker 1:I had three kids.
Speaker 2:I happily loaded it up for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you were like, isn't this crazy? You said other things, but I just remember it was such an honest like from our very first conversation. You sat in your driveway and were like my life has blown up around me and I don't know how to see straight some days and that's. And I was like, oh my gosh, mine too. And you're like, yeah, it's crazy this thing that we're doing. And so, um, you've kept that energy.
Speaker 2:I drown in the shallow end of conversation. So you're going to get all of me Like um. I love this Jen hat maker quote. She says um, either know me and love me or know me and hate me, but at least you're going to know the real me.
Speaker 2:And um, you know, growing up Southern evangelical, we're taught to like tuck it in, tuck in your crazy, and that's just not how God wired me. Um, so when we, you know, I tried to hold it together for so many years and be the polite Southern lady and then when we adopted, it just blew all that off and I felt like everybody else was being polite and I couldn't be anymore Like. I was like does everybody see? Like the Titanic sinking and if people are just like playing music on their violin? And so since then I was just like nope, that's I'm going to. I'm going to be raw and I'm going to be honest and I'm going to be authentic and I'm going to cuss a little and you're not going to like me, but you're going to see what really is happening. I'm not going to pretend.
Speaker 1:The Titanic is sinking and people are playing violins, playing music, it doesn't it feel so. It's like discombobulating to me when I experience that world where it's like my whole life is flipped upside down and your life is even if there was something ruffled underneath the surface. You're not showing anybody, like that is yeah, I feel like I've you know, like I've lived the same, like tucked in, be perfect, have you know? Be good, be good, be a good mom, be a good wife, be a good, not just good, be perfect. And like you get into foster care and adoption and you're like, oh I'm, I think I'm the worst actually.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and your kids tell you you're the worst. Yeah, and you're like I kind of agree with you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like weird.
Speaker 2:We're on the same page about that and, um, I think being the, the bar for being a good mom is so high and the bar for being a good mom is so high and the bar for being a bad mom is so low. So we are one loud comment, we are one forgotten present, we are one mistake away from being a horrible mom, even though we're really not.
Speaker 1:In society or to our kids and to our kids.
Speaker 2:yeah, Because I feel like that. It's a huge gray area, I think like kids just need some food and you know to be safe. But like we put so much pressure and society puts so much pressure on women, um, and you know, just because I'm southern woman and this is my, you know the world that we live in, my white evangelical southern woman experience.
Speaker 2:So much pressure is put on us to look right, to sound right, to act right, to do right, um, and when you can't keep that all together, even for yourself or circumstances put on you, you feel less than oh yeah, even though the bar is so high, no one can accomplish that yeah, but nobody.
Speaker 1:I feel like nobody says like truly honest to God.
Speaker 1:My Brad and I are in therapy, we're in couples counseling and last week that our therapist looked at me and she said Do you do you know like what you just said to me? Like, do you do you hear that you have like superhuman expectations of yourself for attachment, like we were specifically talking about? Um, my family just went out West and we were I was kind of we were debriefing that trip a little bit as a couple Um, and I was saying the complicated parts of the trip for me, and she was like well, of course you feel like this and I was like what do you mean? Of course I feel like. Like it was. It was a moment, like I had a whole moment in therapy where I was like, oh, that's no, I had no idea that I have these superhuman is the word that she used expectations of myself, but I do, yeah, I think.
Speaker 2:I think women do in general, and then I think anybody who goes into foster care and adoption. We're kind of type A. I didn't know that I was until Until yeah, you don't realize.
Speaker 1:No, I was total, I was an absolute type B. I was so I was the most laid back person. You could ever imagine is how people described me Like if somebody was describing Rebecca Harvin, outgoing and laid back would be at the top of the list and I'm like, oh, I'm a control freak.
Speaker 2:Yeah, an overachiever, yeah, probably with a social justice trigger. Definite this is a spicy take, but we all have a savior complex.
Speaker 1:Ourselves or others. Ourselves or others.
Speaker 2:We think we're going to fix something when we leap into this space of foster care and adoption, yeah, and so we are trying to fix something.
Speaker 1:I think that if we really sat people down and said what got you into it. So we'll talk about that Like what got you into it and it's kind of more like what did you think?
Speaker 1:got you into it. And now, all these years later, what have you realized about yourself? That you're like oh, I got into foster care because I was trying to rectify my childhood. Yeah, Like, I wasn't in foster care myself, but I had some demons in that closet that needed to be looked at. And that's where my savior complex comes in. I didn't think that I could save every kid in the world. I was trying to save myself. Yeah, that's where my savior complex comes in.
Speaker 1:I didn't think that I could save every kid in the world, I would like I.
Speaker 2:Just I was trying to save myself. Yeah, that's deep. I'm in a lot of therapy. Yeah, I like it, I like it, I like it. I'm not in therapy, I just listen to podcasts and therapize myself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but our kids are also in enough therapy.
Speaker 2:My kids are all in therapy. I don't have time for an appointment. We're picking things up that is like so okay.
Speaker 1:So rewind in your world, like how did you get what brought you to foster care? Because you started your adoption process through the foster care system.
Speaker 2:Yes, we. I grew up. My mom was adopted when she was 13 years old from. She grew up in a really hard situation and her pastor adopted her as a teenager, so she didn't talk about it, but that was always normal for us. We, when we would go to holidays, we saw her biological family at that point, you know when she was an adult. She had reconnected with them and she's one of eight and so we had reconnected. And then also I knew she had this adopted family and this pastor.
Speaker 2:So that just was normal for me. I didn't know that, what I just thought everybody had. You know these had interesting family, interesting families, lots of big families, so um, it was always kind of normal to me and then, um, you know, type a overachiever, um perfect to everything Perfect. Oh, I was the oldest daughter, I was the perfect Christian.
Speaker 2:You know, um and um, when I, we had my husband and I had three biological children, I quit working and, um, you know, became a stay at home mom, which is a whole nother podcast, because, um, well, that's a whole nother podcast. But um, we did a. It had always just been on my heart like a normal kind of thing. But then we did a sermon series called before all things, and the question at the end of it was you know, if Jesus is truly before all things, what is he calling you into, um, if, like, you're not going to fail, what's the craziest thing? And I, you know, at the beginning of that, I had told my husband like I feel, like we should adopt Um, our kids were like five, three and two at that point, and at the end of the sermon series Can we just pause and say that's so young.
Speaker 1:Mine were six and four when we started and I look back at pictures of them and I'm like, oh baby, you were so little and your world as we know now, your world just flips.
Speaker 2:Blew it up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Anyhow, five, three and two. Well, that's like when we started, you know, started thinking about it and um anyway.
Speaker 2:But it's a god thing because at the end of the sermon series my husband who you know, we joke I'm the gas and he's the brakes yeah and he was like I think you're right, I think god's calling us to adopt, and I was like which, when the brakes say it yeah, like yeah, I was like holy spirit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, anyway, we started taking the classes, you know. So that's like a whole another year or whatever. And when we got into it we learned, um, kids sit in foster care when they're TPR, which is a termination of parental rights. Um, they can sit in foster care for some time waiting to be adopted. Everybody wants the baby straight out of the hospital, but toddlers and older kids wait longer in foster care to be. They're waiting for permanent permanency. So our hearts were drawn towards that.
Speaker 2:Then, when you get into the classes, you learn that sibling sets wait the longest. So we had gone into the classes, you know, like, we're going to adopt one kid Four is a great even number and then, as we learned, we're already outnumbered. What's one more, what's one more, sure? So the kids that that you know were immediately available for adoption were larger sibling sets and they had been waiting the longest for permanency. So our hearts just broke at that because we knew that our three biological kids if something happened to us, they would immediately go to an aunt or an uncle or a best friend or a grandparent. There would be permanency immediately. And these other kids are just waiting and transition for years sometimes, um, and the older they get, the the less they're likely to be adopted. So, anyway, our hearts changed towards that and we started pursuing a sibling set and I think in my heart I thought like two max yeah, like twins crazy to do something like and everybody already thought we were crazy.
Speaker 2:Right, they're like oh my gosh, foster, care is crazy and the you know. The first question is well, because what did your life?
Speaker 1:look like oh my gosh, it was perfect.
Speaker 2:I can't even tell you I can't even look at pictures from back then because we were so cute and I was such a fun mom and our marriage was so great and our house was perfect. I mean, these are all these are all, like you know, first world trappings right Like from the outside perspective.
Speaker 2:You know we had, you know, this perfect life and these perfect kids and we our Christmas cards were cute and we were going on ski vacations and you know nothing really like deep and meaningful but just the american prosperity gospel in action, like we were that and um. So we got our, our oh, and the first question everybody asks is like, what about your bio kids?
Speaker 1:yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I had heard Beth Moore say one time cause she took care of her nephew or something there's a story and she said you know? People were like are you worried about your daughters? And she was like I want my daughters to. I'm paraphrasing here I want my daughters to not be so selfish. I want them to, to see the world bigger than themselves and know that Jesus is bigger than all of this. It's not just about you, and Jesus will break our hearts for something bigger than ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean I feel like this and I think that you would agree, like my kids have never been able to know Sunday school Jesus, yeah, he doesn't exist for them.
Speaker 2:Our Jesus is so messy and complicated.
Speaker 1:He's so much messier and complicated and there's a piece of me as their mom that is so proud of them that they know, they know the grittier sides of Jesus. They know like our desperation for and I don't want to, I don't want to use the word desperation, but just like we cling to him they watch me cling to him but part of me is like you guys didn't get the felt board. Yeah, like, even though I don't like the felt board as an adult, but the innocence that comes with felt board Jesus is, my kids didn't get, they didn't get him. They were six and four.
Speaker 1:They don't know Sunday school Jesus, they've never met him. We make jokes about hard drugs in our house.
Speaker 2:Like we hide the drugs in our house, we hide the knives in our house. When you step out to follow Jesus, I think a lot of back to the Southern evangelical Christian roots. Our churches are full of comfy pews with people sitting for an hour a week. But when you step out of that and you follow Jesus down a dusty, dirty road in the Old Testament, like when you followed a rabbi, you followed him so closely you were covered in his dust.
Speaker 1:There's a book called Covered in His Dust.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you were covered in his feet were kicking up the dust and you're covered in Jesus' dust. You can't sit on that pew because you don't have proper church clothes.
Speaker 1:You do not, we don't have them anymore.
Speaker 2:You're dusty and dirty.
Speaker 1:Tanya the number of times I've cussed in church, my sweet pastor.
Speaker 2:if he's listening, he knows to talk to me privately because I'm probably going to cuss about something One time.
Speaker 1:this person was praying for me and like it while they were praying. I couldn't like. It was like I had Tourette's. I won't tell you what I said. It was not even one of the nicer cuss words, but I was like that doesn't work for me. They're just words, but I was like that doesn't work for me.
Speaker 2:They're just words. So, yeah, our biological kids say we ruin their life. They say it now and I like to say, yeah, we ruined it in the best way possible, because you cannot be self-centered Like, you cannot unsee what we have seen. You can't unsee it.
Speaker 2:I don't live my life with regrets. What we have chosen to step into is so hard. And yet I don't regret it because my heart and my eyes have been like blown open to things I didn't even know existed. You know, when I was sitting on that beautiful velvet red church bench, being the perfect Christian, you know I had no idea on the other side of town these horrible things were happening. You know my same zip code and you know a lot has happened and we have had a lot of trauma and my children have PTSD and all kinds of things. And yet I know God will make beauty from ashes from all of that, whatever that looks like. That's his promise to me, that's his promise to all of us and that's his to raise my kids than dusty and angry and cussing and all the things that we were doing. Following hard after Jesus, yeah.
Speaker 1:Covered in his dust.
Speaker 2:Covered in his dust. But back to the story we started. We got a sibling set of three moved in. It was horrible. The kids had been through so much and I just remember crying like laying on the floor outside their door and crying and praying and being like what have we done? And it went on from there.
Speaker 2:But we ended up a little baby boy ended up staying with us and we fought for him for a really long time to get, to keep him and then we didn't know if we could. So that was like a fostering situation, even though our heart we had set out to adopt from foster care Again, a whole nother podcast, cause it's quote the system is broken. So with this baby boy that should have been adopted but he didn't get adopted, but he lived with us and so in the meantime we got matched with a sibling set of three who had been in foster care for three years. It was a boy and two girls, just like our biological kids, and they were up for adoption and so what felt meant to be, it felt meant to be. And so they moved in and the um, in this case they were like oh, let's speed it up.
Speaker 1:Like yeah we don't need siblings. Yeah, they were like the other kid had lived in our house for years.
Speaker 2:But these three, they were like oh well, y'all don't need the 90 days. You want to move up and adopt them.
Speaker 1:I didn't know that.
Speaker 2:We adopted them in like 70 days or something.
Speaker 1:Start to finish, from meeting them to adopting them for the rest of your life. Yeah, yeah, 70 days. Yeah, exped 70 days. Expedited adoption yes. Sibling set of three.
Speaker 2:So it was like instant double family.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Plus we had this baby, yeah, who had his own set of trauma and still seeing. You know he was still basically foster care, so still family visits and court dates and all these other things. So it was a really complicated, messy time. You went from zero to four.
Speaker 1:No, it was a really complicated, messy time. You went from zero to four, no knowledge of the foster care system.
Speaker 2:No, no, you like go through pride and you're like oh, I've got this.
Speaker 1:Pride is real cute, isn't it?
Speaker 2:Pride is so cute.
Speaker 1:Pride in the state of Florida. Pride is the class that you take.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we added onto our house Luckily my husband's a and so we built some extra bedrooms and that's nice. These kids moved in and I mean it was just zero to 60. And you know, my husband just like goes back to work on Monday and I'm like what on earth have we done?
Speaker 1:have we done? You're crying outside of kids rooms like what did I? Yeah, what do they do? And I think you touched on something about like you didn't know that like you, you had this beautifully perfect life. From the outside, you feel called into this world. The carpet is ripped out. You say yeah, you say a huge yes, like not just kind of. You say yes in all capital letter, like if it's not a hell yes, it's a no.
Speaker 2:And you went hell, yeah Like.
Speaker 1:I'm going all the way in and I know you enough to know that, like I know how you feel about kids, right, like I know I know that you're like kids matter this is, kids matter so much.
Speaker 1:And then you're crying outside of your bedroom, your kids bedroom doors, going what the hell have I done? Which is, I would say, and I could be wrong, but we're going to start the podcast off like this because, let's just say it from the beginning, I think that this is a universal feeling, that we feel like that if you adopt older kids like it's not always adoptions from the hospital, adoption, like there's different ways you can get into adoption, but when you come into adoption the way that you and I have come into adoption I think that we all have a come to Jesus moment like that, where we're like we look at our life beforehand and we look at our life now and we're like, oh, I don't know what I just did and so I want to skip a little bit ahead. You see that, and your response to that is to start a support group that is, to start a support group.
Speaker 2:Well, my response to that is, to what I know now become depressed and my anxiety, you know, went through the roof and, as a overachiever perfectionist, this was something that I could not keep perfect.
Speaker 1:Like you can't control it. We could not tuck in our crazy. No, it's out there. It's in your front yard, everybody could see it. Kids are punching each other Everybody could see it.
Speaker 2:You know we're disheveled. We're, you know, rolling into church just like fighting and punching, and you know you can't tuck it away anymore and be like. You know, hello, pastor, I'm blessed and highly favored. You're just like, oh my gosh, like, just take him, I'm going to go sit in my car and cry for an hour. And um, you know, I think at that point God started really refining.
Speaker 2:That's my I I'm going to drown if I can't be authentic right now. And um, that's hard in a marriage. Um, it's hard on your bio kids. It's hard on your friends.
Speaker 1:Um. Did your friend group change?
Speaker 2:Yes, Our friend group changed very much and I think, knowing what I know now, I think when you step into something so hard, it hurts people to see you struggling, but also it's like people don't want to get it on them. You know, it's like when your friends get divorced and you're like, oh no, is it contagious? People saw a step out into this hard thing. They saw us struggling and it was like some people backed away because it made them so uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and.
Speaker 2:I can only say that now with clarity. At the time it hurt my heart so bad Clarity and not really bitterness.
Speaker 1:No, not at all.
Speaker 2:I don't hear bitterness in, no, because I now looking back I see how absolutely chaotic it was and it probably was scary yeah um, and you know you're. It's like, you know, when somebody's called to be a missionary and you're like, oh, thank you, lord, that you didn't call me.
Speaker 2:Like, let those people go across the ocean, except for yeah and so I think people are like oh no, don't call me into foster care, lord Um, but our family was hard to love and chaotic and you know there were a lot of different equations. Plus, we were just big, so you know you went from three to eight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so no seven.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so there used to be like five of us and all of a sudden there's nine of us. So you know, we weren't invited to the cookouts and the parties and the sleepovers.
Speaker 2:Um and um, you know so just trying to downshift. But out of all that came this need for community and, um, if I was authentic with our family, our friends, um, you kind of get this pushback where people kind of don't want to hear the hard. It's very uncomfortable, especially when it's in Jesus's name, because I think in America again back to I have a huge problem with the prosperity gospel. But I wasn't trusting Jesus for cash and prizes, but I was trusting Jesus for my life to be easy and perfect For simplicity, for.
Speaker 2:Jesus, I'm following you. I'm taking my kids to church. Why aren't they behaving Jesus? I'm following you. I'm writing my Bible. Why isn't my marriage easy? You know these things? That those were my cash and prizes, right, yeah. And so when other people see okay, this family is following Jesus and their life is not easy, their life is messy and complicated. This is hard stuff. It makes them uncomfortable because they want the blonde haired, blue eyes. You know Jesus and that's not who we had stepped out to follow, apparently.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think also it's like you know, it's all consuming this world that we're living in, Like we don't get a break from it. I've this in any other ministry that I've ever done. I can go and do the thing. I can go downtown, I can feed homeless and then I can go back to my home and eat in my house.
Speaker 2:Well, it's comfortable, it doesn't affect you, but it does. I would say that, like I meant it's comfortable, it doesn't affect you, but it does. I would say that, like I meant, like your home life.
Speaker 1:It doesn't affect your home life. Yeah, you can go. I could be in, you know.
Speaker 2:You can go on a mission trip and come to. You can go on a mission trip, yeah.
Speaker 1:I worked In my like 20s. I worked with kids from Detroit, changed my life, but I could always go home and when foster care started. So you came in and, aside from your one, you adopted straight away yes, like foster, and you didn't take other foster kids, correct?
Speaker 2:Right after that. Yeah, we were maxed out and so in our family it was like years of foster care and then adoption at the end.
Speaker 1:Like years of foster care and then adoption at the end. Um, and I had a friend that was like this is really hard, what you're doing is really hard and you should quit. Like and she was one of my closest, closest friends and I was like quitting is not, I'm not coming to you to talk to for you to can tell me that it's hard. I know that this thing is hard, that I'm doing inside my house. I'm coming for support and for enough energy to keep going and I find it to be. Now that we're years into this, people are more used to my life and they're probably more used to your life, the people that have stayed.
Speaker 1:My purpose of talking is not to quit on the other side. That's never a thing that, even on, even on the worst, like I've sent you texts that say I want to quit right now and you know I'm not going to quit right now. I need somebody that is comfortable enough to for me to say here's this really hard thing and I'm going to keep, I'm going to wake up tomorrow, I'm going to do this again, but here's this really hard thing and I'm going to keep. I'm going to wake up tomorrow. I'm going to do this again, but, like today, I need somebody to tell me you're going to wake up tomorrow and you're going to do this again and not say, hey, there's a, there's a shining door on the other side and you can just walk through it and you know that's so hard and that's how our out of all of that and that hard season, I felt so alone and so unseen.
Speaker 2:And so out of that, when we, through COVID, we decided to get a little local church so we can be seen and loved, and we got recommended this church and when we got there the pastor had adopted and the first time I met him I just was like hey, I'm Tanya, I want to be a part of your church and I want to start an adoption foster ministry and he was like yeah, and he, he's um, their family is just as cool and crazy as we are.
Speaker 2:And he was like, yep, let's do it. Like the church had just been open, open during COVID. And he's like, yep, let's do it all in. So and it was out of that broken heart. And COVID like, lord have mercy, are you kidding me? Like I was stuck at home with this nonsense. Friends didn't want to be friends with me, you know like um, and we just wanted a space to be like.
Speaker 1:Hey, I see you're crazy crazy, you're not crazy, it's okay. Well, you are crazy, you are.
Speaker 2:But I'm crazy too, and we can sit here and we can hold each other's crazy pray for each other and get up the next day and do it again. So out of that Seek Refuge was born the foster adoption support group, just for a space where people didn't feel as alone as we did space where people didn't feel as alone as we did.
Speaker 1:Hey guys, taking a quick break from our conversation to let you know that Behind the Curtain is sponsored by Haven Retreats. Haven is an organization that exists to create sustainability in foster care and adoption. Did you know that 50% of foster homes will close their license in the first year, but 90% will keep them open if they feel supported? At Haven, we support caregivers by offering therapeutic retreats and wraparound care. Right now, our retreats are held in Northeast Florida for moms, dads, couples and bio kids. If you're a foster or adoptive caregiver or you know somebody who is and would benefit from coming to one of these retreats, you can learn more about them by going to our website, wwwhavenretreatsincorg. That's Haven retreats with an S, i-n-c dot O-R-G. We hope to hear from you soon. And now back to our conversation. I would say also, because you are like, I know what I need, I know what my family needs. We're going to feed you. Yeah, the child care workers that are coming. They can handle whatever your kids throw, literally whatever your kids throw at them and.
Speaker 1:I'm speaking from my own personal experience here. Like they are fine personal experience here. Like they are fine they're they are trauma informed caregivers that are loving and patient and you're going to get a break, you're going to be able to go in. And then, in addition to this, you started a closet, a foster closet. What? What I mean? You don't call it a foster closet, you call it, you just call it. The closet is what I know of.
Speaker 2:We, and I think that it's funny when you think back over your life and like all the gifts which you didn't realize at the time were gifts. But all these things God gave you and your toolbox and um, thrifting and upcycling, and um is one of my jams and God gave me this giant van. I have, uh, an Amazon delivery van and so, just out of me not working, I used to be a corporate accountant and now I don't know what to do with my hands. So we started this needs-based closet and I have all these amazing friends who just were like oh, I have a high chair, I have this, I have that, it's all really nice stuff.
Speaker 2:So, instead of going to Goodwill, at church we have a big room and we just started collecting stuff and matching needs. Um, we have events where people can come and shop clothes and um essentials. We do diaper drives, so, um, we meet emotional and and family support through the support group Um out that it's once a month, but the point of that is to people feel seen, make connections, get people's phone numbers, have playdates and text a friend in the middle of the night is really the goal of that. And then the needs closet is separate. We sometimes at our big events will serve like 60 to 80 kids in foster care or adoption kinship care, which is when grandparents or aunties or uncles get their kids and so you barely get anything to support these children.
Speaker 2:So if we can meet the tangible needs and make it a little bit easier on the caregiver. That's just like one less thing they have to buy at Walmart which is huge, we all know, with inflation, yeah and just to feel seen and loved. We try to make it a really loving experience that we see you, we see your kids for who they are. We're not going to judge you and come on in and get what you need. Be blessed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you do a good job with it. You do a christmas thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we partner with one more child and do um christmas brand new christmas toys. So the stuff in our closet is gently used um. We reject anything that is haggard, torn, stained, um. These kids have been through a lot and they deserve, like, nice things, so we have a pretty high standard. We try to keep only the nicest things which our donors are so great they have such nice stuff to begin with that they give us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like I've gotten things from the closet with tags on it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, you know, when you have a baby and somebody gives you like all this, stuff. So, and we live in an affluent area, so the items are, you know, nicer to begin with, I think, and so we'll get really nice strollers and so that's such a blessing to give to a foster family or grandmother.
Speaker 1:Like I know that I've texted. When we have somebody reach out to Haven and I'm like hold on, I know I know who to text now, text Tanya and then Haven and be like hold on, I know who to text and I'll text Tanya and then he'll be like I got it.
Speaker 2:I'm on it.
Speaker 1:Hold on, give me two seconds. It's like a bed. It's not like a small thing. It's like, hey, I need these large furniture items and back to school clothes for whatever, and you're like I'm on it. Give me 24 hours and I'll have it completely covered and delivered Like, like the bed it's the Amazon man yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, and now we've moved into spaces Again. I I have like ADHD that I've diagnosed myself with, so I'm channeling all my skills into helping people and I just love that. It's upcycling. I just think that's so cool that I'd still use, like somebody else can use it. So we've moved in. It's called Care Portal, which is a faith-based online initiative that the state of Florida is doing. It's in other states as well, but connecting churches or meeting physical, tangible needs. We're going.
Speaker 2:it started off with foster families and adoptive families but, now it's going upstream, where we're helping biological moms keep their children in their homes. And nobody should get their children taken away for financial reasons Nobody should get their kids taken away for poverty.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:So if the case worker says you need a bed, let's get this mom a bed so her kid can sleep, and not just a janky bed. Let's get them a nice bed. What color sheets does the kid like? Let's get them new sheets, so affordable, an easy way. And then so anyway, we've stepped into those spaces with Care Portal where we're going upstream and we're trying to keep kids with their families of origin, to keep them out of the system.
Speaker 2:And so far, just our little church and this is not bragging, but just this year it's August our economical impact is like $12,000. We've spent basically $0. Don't tell my husband how much I spend in gas, but that's us. My friend's like I have a twin bed, you want it, and I'm like yep, and somebody donates brand new sheets and we get it to the family. So our impact is like $12,000, but nobody knows the financial impact of those kids not coming into care, those kids not having the trauma of being removed from their biological family for no reason other than they didn't have a safe place to sleep at night. So anyway, that's where our ministry is moving now is more going upstream.
Speaker 1:What I love so much about you and you can hear in your voice when you start talking about the, the margins of society, the people that can slip through a crack without anybody coming and like creating a safety net underneath them, or who just they need that. Like you're so passionate about that, tanya, like you're, I remember when you were running for school board. You ran for school board. Um, it was so 2022, 2022.
Speaker 1:It was so great having my, my kids out on the sidewalk like waving your signs. I loved it so much, um, but we were talking about it and you were like somebody needs to go for the kid, like these kids deserve somebody to fight for them, and like you are so good at that, you're so good at going. These kids need some, these kids.
Speaker 2:And here's the funny thing I don't really like kids. Like like I, I would not be like a preschool teacher, but but we can love kids without wanting to be a preschool teacher like that I love.
Speaker 2:I love the optimism of a fresh life. Like God sent somebody here to do his will and walk on this earth to shine his glory and as beautiful, broken adults, you can just see all the hope that is in these little children. They have everything before them and we live in the richest country on the planet Earth ever. And the fact that you know the children are so marginalized and undervalued in this society, society, just wrecks me because, this is our hope, this is our future.
Speaker 2:Not to get political, but all social justice leads to those on the margins, and that is who Jesus stepped out and dined with, that is who Jesus healed, that is who Jesus prayed for.
Speaker 1:Jesus. Anytime he went to a rich person's house, they did not like it, because he pointed out all their selfishness and he brought with him the marginalized. He brought with him the dirty and dusty. He was like how's your comfy house? Hold on, I've got some guests for you.
Speaker 2:And they did not like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sure.
Speaker 2:And so when I talk about social justice, I'm not talking about buzzwords, I'm not talking about anything upsetting. I'm talking about people in this country who need dignity, who need to feel seen and who need a hand up, not a handout yeah, seen and who need a hand up, not a handout. That includes our moms, our single moms, who are trying to find a living wage job. That includes childcare. Childcare is ridiculously expensive.
Speaker 2:I used to be a corporate accountant and when I had three babies I had to quit my job. I chose to quit my job because we could not afford child care for three babies. I had three under three.
Speaker 1:In the state of Florida they pay in foster care. You get a voucher for daycare. So all of our foster care journey, which was for six years, all of our babies went to daycare because there was a voucher and I find huge benefits to sending children in foster care to daycare.
Speaker 2:There's huge benefits to it.
Speaker 1:The structure, the social dynamics that are in class Healthy adults loving them, healthy adults loving them. I just love it. The social dynamics that are in class, the like healthy adults loving healthy adults, loving them. Um, I, I, just I love it. Time I there's time to have like I can take just one child to an to their appointments.
Speaker 1:I can pick up one of them for day from daycare to go to their occupational or physical or speech or behavior player, whatever appointment we're in that week. And then we adopted and my first act as their mom was to change the daycare to one that was closer to our home and one that I would have wanted to send my older two if Brad and I both worked when we started having kids. And because I did that so quickly, I did it in between. There was a mix up with the voucher, is what I'm trying to say. There was a mix up. You needed a caseworker to approve the voucher switch but we didn't have a caseworker anymore because we had just adopted and the caseworker that we had just had last week couldn't sign that I had a great relationship with.
Speaker 1:She was like I can't sign this for and I'm like okay. In a day it was like, oh, here's a $2,000 a month and daycare prices change all the time. But we had three children and two of them were in VPK, so we were getting a discount $500 every single Monday. Yeah, I'm going to tell you right now that that is not what Brad and I had like available in our monthly budget to. So expensive, so expensive, and we were yeah.
Speaker 2:I'll tell you just a side story. Through our care portal stuff Last week we met a need. It was a teenage girl and she was going to go into the foster care system. I don't know all the details to the story, but the dean at her high school took her in so she did not have to change schools her senior year. This dean did this out of her own will. Her own loving heart, saw a need and said come live with me. The dean asked for nothing. The dean's not getting a stipend. I don't have all the details, but this lady, this educator, saw a need in the community and said you know what? Not on my watch. You're going to come, move in with me. You're going to finish your senior year and we're going to get you ready for trade school or college or whatever it is, and I'm not going to let you go into the system. That's why we have teachers, that's why we have public schools, that's why I love people who say not on my watch.
Speaker 2:Not on my watch. Not on my watch.
Speaker 1:And you're one of those people Tanya.
Speaker 2:Not on my watch.
Speaker 1:I have this question that I was going to ask but you just answered it. I think like when I was like what? Like you keep showing up, you just keep showing up and your life is not easier than it was when you were crying.
Speaker 2:My life is horrible. Zero stars Do not recommend, but you should adopt. Go out and adopt, do it. Everybody's doing it. All the cool kids, all the cool kids.
Speaker 1:But you keep that. I just I think, like you show up and it's like I know what it is like to run an organization and to represent the group of society, that it like to run an organization and to represent the group of society that it, that it serves right, like to say, to run a support group and to run a closet and to manage care portal. You said all of that stuff like it's easy, and I know that it's not, like I know that it takes a lot of coordination and a lot of dedication and you also have seven children and your life feels so heavy all of the time. And so one of my questions was going to be like well, what wakes you up, like what keeps you going? And I think that you answered it and I could be wrong, but I think you answered it when you said not on my watch.
Speaker 2:Um, my friend and I were talking the other night and we were like being a human is so exhausting, like, just it is, a dear friend is going through chemo. Like another dear friend got divorced. Like we're all just doing these hard things, like life just feels heavy and hard and yet, um, when this sounds so trite and it's probably on a pillow at Hobby Lobby, but there is like this hope just deep in my heart that it's worth it, and like I will go to bed crying, like I cuss at Jesus a lot and tell him I hate my life, and yet I open my eyes the next morning, my coffee pots brewing and I'm just like, all right, here we go. Like what does today hold? Um, usually it's a pile of shit, and yet we, personally we made it this whole podcast and we haven't talked about lexa pro jesus and lexa pro jesus loves me.
Speaker 2:This I know before he gave me lexa pro, yeah, and that is thank you, glennon.
Speaker 2:Thank you, glennon. Um, that is Thank you, glennon. Thank you, glennon. That is where I am with my life, like it's to quote Glennon again it's brutal. It's brutal. It is so hard some days. I cannot even tell you all the things that happened this summer because I would cry. And yet I wake up the next day and Jesus, the promises that his mercies, are new every day. Like I didn't use it up yesterday when I messed everything up and I yelled at my kids and I was mean to my husband and you know, I forgot to let the dog out and he peed on the carpet. Like today, I get to be fresh and start over and try again. And I can hold both those complexities in my hands Now.
Speaker 2:10 years ago, perfect, tanya could not, I would have been a failure. But now, in this messy middle, I know that like all right, today's a new day. Like what can we try today? And also just my story somebody stepped into that place and saw my mom and said, not on my watch, and now I am going to cry and took my mom in and changed her complete life, which is a rock. You know, it's throwing a stone in and the ripple effects of that, that gentleman, reverend Wilder. He's not even here with us anymore. He has no idea that I've adopted, that I've stepped into foster care. He has no idea the ripple effects that he sent out into the world. And, um, he said, not on my watch. Yeah, and so I can. I can be bold and brave and do the same thing, because I have no idea what stones I'm throwing about, what ripples are going to go out.
Speaker 1:And the hope is the ripples.
Speaker 2:The hope is the ripples and I won't, you know, I'm probably not going to live to see it. It's so every day I do, I'm like Lord Jesus. This is so hard and terrible, and yet the hope is that something is going on in the universe better than I left it.
Speaker 1:I feel like if I talk right now, I'll just start crying.
Speaker 2:This is called breakthrough crying. You're not supposed to cry on Lexapro.
Speaker 1:I'm like I literally you just stopped talking and I was like if I speak it will just be to sob.
Speaker 2:But like that Dean the other day, she wanted no glory and I'm so honored that I got to meet her. But she just said not on my watch, and she threw a stone in the St John's River and just some ripples went out, so that teenage girl can finish her senior year with her friends and her teachers who know her. What a gift, what a gift.
Speaker 1:And she might never know the end of the story and it might be ugly and bumpy end of the story and it might be ugly and bumpy, but and you're able, I, you're able to to, to see the hope of the ripples, like you hold that in your head. Yeah, like, does that make sense what I'm saying? Yeah, but you're. You're saying, but I, I hold the defeat. I'm honest about the defeat, yeah, I'm. I tell jesus all about the defeat, I can defeat.
Speaker 1:I send a text out to friends you have to have that safe space.
Speaker 2:I can't tell my 2.2 dual income dink, friends, about the food issues, because they're like well, just make them a sandwich. But I can send a text to you guys and y'all are like oh, so hard. Yes, and that's the hope that I see you, which I think that was Jesus. I see you. I see you man on the mat. I see you blind man by the pool. I see you prostitute at the well. I see you.
Speaker 1:And I think that's as humans that's humans we can give.
Speaker 2:We can mirror that back to each other, Not arms folded in judgment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, looking down our noses at those, but eye to eye dusty to say I see you. And it is hard and you're doing a good thing. Yeah, tanya, you're doing a good thing. You are too, rebecca, some days.
Speaker 2:And that's all of us right. It's good.
Speaker 1:Listen, I don't know how to, and.
Speaker 2:MLB. I'll give you an MLB which you love, major League Baseball, so do I. Batting average at 300 is perfect. They only got 30. Is it 30% of the hits?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was a three.
Speaker 2:That's major, that's you're in the hall of fame, right, yeah, so you and I, 30 percent of the hits baby, look at that listen.
Speaker 1:At least I'm getting 30, 35 percent, we're like amazing yeah, that's not what my therapy appointments sound like.
Speaker 2:That's not but call me, I'll pump you up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you do pump, you do, you do okay, you do, you do Okay. Um wrapping up what is on your nightstand? Oh geez.
Speaker 2:Um, a beautiful lamp from my husband's grandmother that I adore. Um, I, oh I hate to admit this but a YA book, uh young adult young adult because, listen, my life is so heavy that sometimes I need escape. Mindless fiction, 100%. But I also have big baffling behaviors that your kids do or something. So I toggle back between like yeah, non-fiction fiction but I read every night and that helps calm my brain what's bringing you life right now? Um well, the olympics. I cried, I laughed, I break danced I mean like the australian or like.
Speaker 2:Probably I thought I was more like eva from the netherlands but really I was the australian my kids were like oh my gosh, you're so not cool um get in line kids.
Speaker 1:We knew that one, the olympics was amazing, but um so many stories of foster care and adoption.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, simone bryles saying um adoption, changed her life. See, those are those ripples, those grandparents stepped in and she has more gold medals than like anybody like. We don't know the end of the story, we don't know the trajectory when we step into these spaces.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes, that's it. Yes, he was adopted by a single mom. Yes, that I loved it.
Speaker 2:Beautiful, beautiful and the uh, the the um olympic committee, the refugee team, yeah oh my goodness, when their boat came in, oh my goodness, just all of wyoming and casper wyoming.
Speaker 1:It had been a horrible day. Horrible day on the trip.
Speaker 2:That was like the worst and we were watching the olympics at the end and then celine dion singing oh, anyhow, this is not an olympic like thing, but I was crying, no, but it was so life-giving and even, um, I think, um, the, the spirit of competition, the spirit, those people to get up every day if my alarm went off and I had to get up and like run again or whatever. But like that is the, that is the hope, like that we are in these beautiful bodies that are so crazy that they, how they work, and these people to beat Olympic records and to cry and hug or like if somebody falls down and then a teammate helps them up.
Speaker 1:Like.
Speaker 2:I just saw God in so many places, yeah.
Speaker 1:It was a beautiful. Oh, my goodness, it was beautiful. Um, what podcasts are you loving?
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness, um, right now, because I am very political, um, I'm listening to the Holy post, um, which is so good. And they take um, it's Phil Fisher and Sky Jatani and they take um, take headline stories. They interview people, but from a very Christian lens and it's just so beautifully done and funny and snarky and they're just so smart, the people they interview, and that always leads me to a book to read.
Speaker 1:So I get a lot of my book recommendations from whoever they interview Also you sent me Voxology. Oh, my goodness Voxology.
Speaker 2:Are you listening to this? Right now, it's the to be human Um that's so good, so I? I I don't like the buzzword deconstructing. I'm reconstructing my faith Like I feel like Jesus is taking it back from all the lies I was taught being brought up and I call it desystemization. Yes, yes, and so Voxology has helped me a lot with that. I have a lot of church trauma from Revelations which you and I have discussed. So they had a whole, like 14 part series on Revelations, and now they're in Genesis.
Speaker 1:It's to be human.
Speaker 2:I listened to one of them and it was about like co-creating I was struggling with like what's my part, what's God's part, and it was good.
Speaker 1:Okay, what song do you want played at your funeral?
Speaker 2:Andy and I got engaged in New Orleans and I have such an affinity for their culture and I would love a jazz funeral, Like it starts off. I don't know if you know what a jazz funeral is.
Speaker 2:You start off at the funeral home and it's sad and somber, lots of trombones and weeping and wailing and as the march goes it turns more and more happy and jazz and by the end people are praising and celebrating and dancing in the streets on this parade to the gravesite and it's a jazz funeral. It's called a second line and they march your body to your final resting place and I just think that's such a beautiful like death is so heavy and um, intense and yet again the hope like I'm gonna wake up with jesus man that's worthy of being celebrated.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh like. Sing and dance. Do not cry at my funeral. Be like man. Time is finally taking a nap, nap. Her and Jesus are on a boat just snapping. She's getting to heaven as she is. She's so happy.
Speaker 1:Taking a nap. She's taking a nap. One thing you're looking forward to.
Speaker 2:Public school. I love school. I love our schools. School started this week.
Speaker 1:I got.
Speaker 2:COVID. But major shout out to our educators, our administrators, our bus drivers, our maintenance facilities. They take care. Y'all keep it real. You keep this whole city going and I love it. I love that you're training the minds and the hearts of our future.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so public schools.
Speaker 2:What is bringing you life right now? Um, that's such a good question public schools.
Speaker 1:It's the first week of school.
Speaker 2:Public schools coffee jesus lexapro public schools um, actually um spicy. Take saying no, um, which, as an overachiever, perfectionist evangelical, I've had to learn. I thought you, you know, polite Southern girls say yes. You say yes to everything. Um, and I've had to learn my best. No is also my best, yes, um. So right now, I just said no to false sports. Um, I know so counter-cultural um, and it felt very hard to say it and very, you know, my kids are disappointed, whatever. But today I feel so good about it. I feel so good about the non-hectic evenings um, the, the family dinners, the swimming in the pool, the walking the dog. Do you guys have a pool? We do, we just put in a pool. You did, oh, my gosh.
Speaker 1:Life-changing.
Speaker 2:Life-changing, um, but the no? Um is so hard for me. Um, I'm a type two, I'm a helper, I say yes to everything and to say a good no was a good yes for my kids. They need it, they need the margin. We've had a really hard summer and we've really struggled, um, so to me it felt like my best yes, even though, like everybody's like clutching their pearls and they're like they're not gonna do sports and I'm like, are they ever gonna play?
Speaker 1:to do sports and I'm like how are they ever going to play?
Speaker 2:sports. I'm like, look, I just watched the Olympics and none of my kids are going to the Olympics. We're going to focus on swimming and reading our books and petting our therapy dog.
Speaker 1:Well, tanya. Thanks for saying yes to this.
Speaker 2:Yay, this was my best. Yes.
Speaker 1:This was an awesome. Yes, I loved it. Thanks for being on.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. I'm really proud of you, thanks.
Speaker 1:Gosh, wasn't that such a great conversation. I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did, and that's something that we talked about brought you hope. If you love this episode, share it with a friend. I want everybody to feel like they're not alone. I also want to remind you that it's okay if you disagree with something that we said today. If there were parts of this conversation that felt just a little too honest for you, that's fine. Our journeys aren't all the same. We're not going to respond to them the same. My hope for you is that today, in some way, whether large or small, that you feel seen and that you know that you're not walking this road alone. I love hearing from you, so leave us a comment and let's keep the conversation going. I'll talk to you soon.