Behind the Curtain: Honest Conversations about Foster Care and Adoption
Each episode will feature a conversation between host Rebecca Harvin and foster/adoptive caregivers or members of the community who support foster care and adoption.
Behind the Curtain: Honest Conversations about Foster Care and Adoption
Journeying Through Family Dynamics and Resilience
The episode delves into the transformative journey of foster care and adoption, highlighting the emotional complexities and realities faced by families involved. Megan Hampton-Pusey shares her experiences as a foster mother, addressing the importance of community support, the challenges of attachment, and the often-overlooked struggles of fostering.
• Insights into the emotional and psychological impact of fostering
• Importance of community and support for foster parents
• Contrast between biological and foster parenting dynamics
• The reality of attachment styles in adopted children
• The burden of societal perceptions on foster parents
• Discussion on resilience, trauma, and growth in children
• Personal reflections on the struggles and joys of parenting
• Encouragement to reconsider assumptions about foster care
Hey guys, thanks so much for joining us today. On Behind the Curtain I'm your host, rebecca Harvin, and today my guest is my friend, megan Hampton-Pusey. Megan and I met years ago as neighbors and she continues to live on a foster care campus, dedicating her life to children in the foster care system. She and her husband, brian, have been doing this for about seven years. They have fostered over 35 children, and Megan also is a recruiter for other foster families in the state of Florida. Our conversation today takes a long, windy road through the ups and downs of foster care and adoption how traditions change, parenting or biological children, the joys, the heartaches, the stress, the overwhelm it's all in there. I hope that you enjoy this conversation as much as we did. Hi, thanks for jumping on the pod with me this week. I'm actually really happy that you're here.
Speaker 2:I'm excited yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's. I'm kind of like, oh sweet Jesus, where is this conversation going to go? Just because of where our conversations can go, those long walks those porch. The porch sits. So Megan and I used to be roommates. We were not roommates. Let me start that again. Megan and I used to live side by side on a campus for foster parents here in Jacksonville, and that's how that's the like. Birthplace of our friendship is, yes, in the middle of the thick of it.
Speaker 2:Yes, straight in the middle, straight in the deep end of the pool. I was so thankful to find my Rebecca.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was scared.
Speaker 1:Yeah, tell me more. Why were you scared?
Speaker 2:Totally out of my comfort zone, um, having neighbors that were walking this journey but have been walking it a lot longer than me. Um, and so I mean, brian and I, when we moved, we were only about a year into fostering. When we moved on the campus and, um, I was very questionable about how they would see me as a foster parent, a mom myself, um, you know, I worked full time. So, like, I think sometimes people feel that, that, um, like, hinders you from being somewhat of a good mom or a good foster mom. Right, because they think being a foster mom is a full-time job and it's a full-time parenting gig. Heck yeah, but it's not a job.
Speaker 1:So you know your family still has to eat.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so I really was very worried about what, um, you know just people would think of us. Um, I'm not really funny enough. I have never been in a neighborhood where I've sat on a porch with a neighbor and talked, really.
Speaker 1:Yeah, totally yeah.
Speaker 2:I really just kept to myself Um and try to, for the record I did, but I do think that um, like fostering or adopting um, brings you to a different path where you need to talk to people that have walked this journey, um, and so there's like a silent bond even before you have talked to this person or met them, and it's like you don't worry about being vulnerable.
Speaker 2:I don't think because this life is so vulnerable and you know, I just think I was thankful to find the people that I did on that campus. I'm thankful for the neighbors I have now, but I do think that, um, anytime I think, becoming a foster parent you either have this great village behind you or you are so worried to ask for a village, and we were that family who did not ask for a village and we're like we got this, we got this, we got this, and then we moved on the campus. I was like, oh my gosh, I feel relief because I can see that other people need people to walk with them, and so I'm not scared to ask for that help anymore.
Speaker 1:But yeah, you came with a built-in village. Like, your family is different than we are, unique, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So yeah, my mom and I, my husband, have all lived together for many years. We also started fostering with our original, the three Amigas yes, pretty much being teenagers, and so we did. We had a lot of like hands on deck to help us through like really extremely hard moments, yeah, or busy and chaotic moments, I should say.
Speaker 1:So there was a whole lot with, like, you working full time and Brian working full time, but your mom was there with the kids yes, With the kids. And then your teenagers were always like, oh, we'll take whatever From the outside. Looking in, we were like, goodness gracious, look how much like support they have in their house and you run a family centric home. Yeah, it was. It was like, you know, when you see something and you see it done really well for the first time, but it's like so outside of your like norm and you just kind of like look at it in like an investigative way, Like what is, what is? What are they doing over there? What is this? Like they're so like you have a very tight knit family in your originals.
Speaker 1:Like we'll say like the original Hampton Pusey set extremely tight knit.
Speaker 2:We do. And so Brian and I had our first three really young, and I think we felt like we had to be there for our kids, for everything, but also teaching our kids that, like, family is everything, um, and that you know you're there to support them, help them, educate them, laugh with them, cry with them anything that you possibly can, um, and so I'm thankful that I could give my kids that. I'm also thankful that I could give my kids the knowledge of helping others through fostering right, like that's what they learned. I mean, I will not lie. When they came out to do our home study, andrew, my youngest of the first three amigos he literally was like no, I don't want to be a foster family. I am enough for my family. They don't need any other children.
Speaker 1:And so you know so Exactly.
Speaker 2:And so it was unique bringing other children into the home because, like I said, andrew was like no Olivia. My oldest is so hands-on and like such a mama heart that it was like having a third mom.
Speaker 1:It was yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:And my kids that so we have adopted, and my kids that we have adopted. And also we did have another biological child in this mix too, like they mourned the loss of olivia getting married and moving out, and oh, absolutely, she was that third mom, yeah yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:Um, and then my mom, who is known by my mom to everyone. Every foster child that's coming to my home, every whatever who comes in, like even our, like teachers, call her my mom. Um, yeah, so my kids have had three moms, for the most part like swooping in to help them tie their shoe or learn how to ride a bike or whatever that may look like, um, but we do.
Speaker 2:We have a unique household. We it's great because, like we're saying, if somebody needs extra attention, there's always an adult to kind of like swoop in and take over so that you can give that attention to another child.
Speaker 1:Um because the adults are now outnumbered. Yes, oh my gosh, the adults are so far outnumbered that one mind question what the heck is God thinking?
Speaker 2:God is laughing at us and I'm pretty sure that, like his I don't know that he's done with us, but he is definitely. Yeah, he's made, he's got jokes. He's got jokes for days. What are you talking about? I mean, he's like hmm, how about one more? Maybe one more? Maybe another one in 11 months, maybe two for the price of one? Like, I'm not really sure.
Speaker 1:Did you ever think that you would have nine kids?
Speaker 2:No, Never, Brian and I were not that. So let me say Brian and I were not a family. A lot of adoptive and foster parents will say I knew I was going to be a foster or an adoptive parent my whole life.
Speaker 1:Me. I say that since I was 16.
Speaker 2:Not me, mm-mm. I was a very giving teenager but I was selfish. I would say I liked what I liked and I'm a very type A person, so that's my go-to. I love being a mom, enjoyed being a mom young, love my job being, you know, a working mom, being out and about. But never to this day would have thought that I would have said, yes, I want to be a foster mom. Um, and so Brian and I started thinking about where was our family going? We had three. Where was our family going? We had three, maybe we should have another. And then we started seeing for adoption and for foster care let's not get confused, that's not the same thing. Um, and so we decided that foster care was what we wanted to do. Um, but when we started this, we sure as heck did not think foster care is a temporary placement, so we did not think this would be happening. And so, yes, if you still ask us to this day, we never thought we would be a family of with nine children.
Speaker 1:Do you find it TBD on if it's 11 or not?
Speaker 2:Possibly.
Speaker 1:It's potential. Do you find it like surreal would be one word but kind of like where you look around and you're like how did I get here? Oh, all the time, like what is? Like there's a disbelief element of. Definitely, I guess the real is the right word.
Speaker 2:For sure, many of times. Um, I will. I will look at our life and I will be like I can't believe this is where we're at Um cause again. This is nothing what we expected.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like Brian and I, our older ones are all adults.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, yeah, the baby. This is our little surprise, little nugget of joy.
Speaker 2:Yes, who's five now? But besides that, like it would just be the three of us really.
Speaker 1:And my mom yeah.
Speaker 2:Um, but no, um, I do. I look back and I think, gosh, this is a gift and a lot of people will never be able to have this gift, whether it be fear, anxiety, just feeling like they don't have the ability right, please. I still question it to this day for myself and, but again, I think anybody, whether you're a working mom and stay at home mom, uh, have one child or have nine children, there's still not enough time in the day for anything that you want to get done.
Speaker 1:Um, I saw somewhere gosh, I can't remember who said it. It was somebody that had like a decent amount of kids, like more than even like seven, and she said that people with less kids would always say like I don't know how you do it.
Speaker 1:Like two puts me over the edge, and she was like well, yeah, every kid stretches you to your limit because you've never, you've not ever been there before, and so one kid can feel literally as difficult as seven kids because it's that is your limit, like that's your. You're operating at your limit, and then you have two and all of a sudden your limit gets extended and then you're like oh where? Then?
Speaker 1:like one feels like a cakewalk right Like when you are in that stage where you have like a four-year-old and a two-year-old and you get to go to the store with just your four-year-old, you're like I'm on vacation. Oh yes, this is amazing. I didn't even know that the world could be this delightful. It's just I just I remember I said to this oh gosh, this is a side note, but I say to people who are pregnant with their first kid here's, I need you to go to Target by yourself one day and I just I want you to really acknowledge the experience and I need you to say goodbye to it, because you're not going to get this for a long time and if you don't acknowledge the passing of this season, you will be in the next season and you'll be like oh, I don't, like I never get this other thing, but you're in a new season now and you will. You could not believe how, how complicated going to target is about to become. You cannot even wrap your head around.
Speaker 2:It's like when you send your kids off to kindergarten and you get to go out for the first time, like yeah, to a store, and you're like, am I really being a human in target right?
Speaker 1:now, megan, I go to the beach and drink mimosas on the first day of school. 100%, that is accurate. I go to the beach, I drink mimosas and I go back to school. I go out to lunch afterwards and it's a wonderful day. The first day of school in my world is a.
Speaker 2:It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Speaker 1:Wonderful day. The first day of school in my world is the most wonderful time of the year. Wonderful day, although I mean this coming year. I send my last kid to kindergarten.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:I know I know Anyhow, okay. So um you have nine kids. The job that um you're doing is recruiting foster parents.
Speaker 2:Yes, Into care, mm-hmm, what, what, what I do? Um, all of us are foster or were foster and now are adoptive parents, um, and so, yes, and it's funny because sometimes, um, sometimes, I do have to say to like one of my coworkers hey, I am not having the like best day. It could be that I've gone to court and my heart is broken for the children that are in my home, yeah, or it could be that I am having a really rough day with my adoptive children, like it could be a whole bunch of things. And I have said, sometimes I feel like I'm selling people the dream they want to hear, right, because I never.
Speaker 2:So, when you start as a foster parent, you're refreshed and you feel like, oh my gosh, I'm doing God's work, I'm doing all of this stuff, I'm, I'm in this journey. I have my village, I have like people, and then you get into the thick of it and you have people. You do have people, but your heart is still broken and, depending if you have that one person that can really help you keep your heart, it's not gonna not be broken, but Soft, yeah, make it kind of feel like it's whole again, make it feel like I can trust everybody that's making decisions for these children, which is so hard, right, um? And you know, like I talk a lot about how you're going to be part of this team of people, right, you're going to work with bio moms, you're going to work with, or bio families. I should say you're going to work with caseworkers and guardian items, and you know this whole list of people and you're going to be part of this team.
Speaker 2:And, let's face it, sometimes we feel as foster families, the most unheard and unseen part of that team, right, um? And so sometimes, when I'm like you're going to be part of it, like, cause, I really want them to, I want them to make connections with bio families. I want them to make connections with bio families and I want them to, like, feel like they in a dream world. That's what it would all look like, right?
Speaker 2:It would be, and in some cases are and some are not. But yes, when I talk about this sometimes with people, they give me a gift of my hope coming back.
Speaker 1:Right, you know.
Speaker 2:I get off the phone, I can feel their interest, their love, their heart for it and I'm like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:You remember the Megan that was, I do, and so it takes me back to like you know what, megan, like we just need to be refreshed. We just need to like remember why we do this Right. We just need to like remember why we do this Right, because even though we do it for the kids, our hearts probably break the most, right and please know, I definitely think bio families hearts are being broken. But I think, like we have such hope for these kids to get reunified, we have so much hope for these kids, while they're in our care, to like accomplish things and we're advocating for them, and we just have so much hope that when things start to go South really fast, it's like why? And um, and I'll be honest with you, I'm in a season of that.
Speaker 2:I'm in a season of why like? Why, like should we keep doing this? You know we were supposed to be closing our home, probably not going to close our home currently, because we have, you know, a placement that may be going someplace different than what we originally thought. And so, like I question it all. Right, I mean, did you question everything?
Speaker 1:I question everything all the time. I question, I question, um, there was one season, there was one like seven month stretch of foster care that I didn't question. That just felt like really beautiful and restful, and everything else. For the other six years that we did, it was like, um, beautiful and good and I loved doing it. I mean, when we closed our license, it felt like me cutting. It felt like I was cutting a limb off of my body, like it felt like I was literally slicing off a piece of my identity. So I loved foster care. I am better at foster care than adoption.
Speaker 1:So I don't know what that means, but that is the truth. Well, it's the truth as I know it right now. It's it's where I am in. The like attachment cycle post adoption is.
Speaker 2:Well, it's hard right, Because you have people looking in.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Who are like you. Save these babies. They should be so happy You're. You're a miracle worker.
Speaker 1:You're a miracle worker. You're saying, yeah, like these are things, and I'm like please those are like I'm not.
Speaker 2:I'm a human who's? Doing human things yeah right, like we should be doing things like this for our neighbor, for other people, and so for me, like stop saying that to me, because I'm not, because if I was a miracle worker I would take this child's pain yeah away.
Speaker 2:yeah, I would take like, not that I want a different child, but I would want that child to just feel whole because no matter if the child was in foster care for a month, if it came in as an infant, if it was in for a lifetime, if it they feel a hole in their heart and no matter how much you or I love that child, it will band-aid it for a while.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And the band-aid falls off and we help them through those moments, and then the band-aid it for a while. Yeah, and the band-aid falls off and we help them through those moments and then the band-aid might go back on but also the helping them through.
Speaker 1:Those moments is like yes, and that's exhausting.
Speaker 2:On our end like we're humans in the middle of that process too, so exhausting and so when we get to those moments, it's like who's who's picking us up off of the floor because, like I don't know, I mean yours are a little bit younger, but I mean I have heard like I hate you. I wish you would have never adopted me percent right 100. We hear that so as the person looking in my window is like you're jesus, you've saved this child and this child's like I. I hate you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like.
Speaker 2:And you're just trying not to say the hard thing to both of them, Like you're just like, give me the self-control Exactly For my tongue, because now I'm going to bed crying because not for my own heart, honestly, it's not for me per se, but it's for that child that is just like broken it's, they're broken, they're broken. I'm broken, but like it's just a different type and I just wish, if I was the miracle worker, that I could fix that for them. But I also wouldn't want to change them and their character. It's such a.
Speaker 1:There's this study that, um, I was somebody was telling me about this last week um, I wish that I could quote the study but I can't. But I will just relay the information. Uh, that is like your ability to cope later on in life is, like, directly linked to um butchering. This is directly linked to the amount of adversity that you had to overcome growing up. So people who have trauma in their lives growing up, um, they have a higher capacity for like growth and achievement and success later on in life because they had to struggle in their infancy, in their childhood.
Speaker 1:And people who are devoid and this is again blanket statement. I do not have the study to quote it but people whose lives are devoid of trauma and adversity, like really not nothing. It doesn't have to be like trauma, like we don't want people walking around with like big T traumas like in their life, right, but like adversity of some kind is needed in childhood in order to be successful as an adult, because it gives you the skills needed to like not remain a victim of your surroundings, like circumstances and when the person was telling me that I was dang. If that's not actually true in relationships that I see in my own life of people who have significant traumas in their childhood and people who don't have any. Like named it, they can't name adversity that they experience and, um, it produces two different kinds of people.
Speaker 1:No, like I'm not saying that I like the fact that our kids have it right like I'm not saying that I would ever want them to experience what they have experienced in order to one day grow up and be like this, very like self-driven, self-propelled successful person. But um, it could the the opposite is also true, like you've got. You kind of got like two big ways to respond to trauma, and one is to overcome and the other is to become a victim.
Speaker 2:You're giving us hope.
Speaker 1:Me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that my all of mine, I mean because really right, I mean even my bios have now-.
Speaker 1:Experienced adversity. Experienced, yeah, Trauma and yeah.
Speaker 2:Because you know, even you know, being there, walking along all this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, there's secondary trauma involved in it, oh my gosh. And it's hard to watch because we do want to remove it, like I want to remove the struggle.
Speaker 2:I mean, you know, not even in a foster care sense, like both of us have kids who have special needs, like outside of what a as a side effect of early childhood adversity, and both of us would take that from our kids in a second, oh for sure, in a second if I could give my child the ability to get dressed every morning and not feel overstimulated for putting on a pair of shorts or pants or whatever, I I sure as heck would yeah, because I feel like they're missing out on that fun moment of getting ready for school and us missing out on that fun moment of taking them to school, right, I mean, some mornings it can be like you're saying I would take that away in a heartbeat if I could, in a heartbeat.
Speaker 1:I would take away one of my kids having an autoimmune disease. On the opposite side of that, though, because he has this and because of the type of medicine that he needs and the type like because of what his body requires to literally to function, he gets eight hours a day, eight hours at a time, with a parent one-on-one, on a trip to the hospital. The hospital's two hours away from where we live. We have to go. We had to go for like two years. We went twice a month.
Speaker 1:I remember that and now we're in the once-a-month thing, but he is a kid who needs more attention from his parents than the other kids and this horrible thing that his body has gives him literally a free day with his parents. And what kid with five other siblings gets eight hours twice a month one-on-one with a parent? It just doesn't happen.
Speaker 2:Well, it's funny you say that because my kids love going to the doctors. I don't know about yours, but like mine do, and I'm always like why? And they're like because we get to go out with you, we get to go with you by yourself.
Speaker 1:You know what we started doing. Birthdays in my house line up in um from the end of July to the middle of september. Five out of six of my kids have birthdays. Oh sweet jesus, yeah say that again, gosh and it's also fun for me back to school time. So it is nuts, it is nuts, uh, it's like. It's like one, a one, and then the next week another one, and you're like everybody's getting the same party theme.
Speaker 2:Then the next week, another one and you're like everybody's getting the same party theme, so I don't have to take these nobody's getting a party, megan, nobody's getting a party.
Speaker 1:Are you kidding me?
Speaker 2:parties, either we did we're a party in ourselves.
Speaker 1:Okay, we have 11 to 12 humans in the house what you guys need to know about megan is that megan is a is a magic mom, and so she don't even shake your head. No, they can't see you shake your head. No, you are a magical mom and I promise you that on these kids' birthdays, they wake up to magic.
Speaker 1:Maybe, yes, it's true, it's accurate. My kids do not my kids wake up to. They used to. My kids do not my kids wake up to. They used to. It used to be that you woke up to like a banner and like a tower of donuts and you can't eat donuts for six weeks straight. Like that's not. Like you can't eat a dozen donuts before school for six weeks straight.
Speaker 1:Like it's not, it's too much. And then like cake afterwards and ice cream afterwards it is too much, totally. Then like cake afterwards and ice cream afterwards it's, it's, it is too much, totally. Unequivocally. Birthday season in my house, so what we changed from from doing that is and like also so expensive, oh yes, so we can't do that anymore.
Speaker 1:Like you're going to get one, two presents like pick a pick, a good prep, Like we'll get you one thing that you really want and a couple little trinkets or whatever but that's it, but what you get is a date with mom and dad to anywhere that you want to, just the three of you just the three of us for the entire evening and and the kid can pick the place. And it has changed. Like kids love, love their birthdays now because they get time with us yeah.
Speaker 2:And it's like Now, did you have a birthday Like? Did you have, like, a traditional birthday celebration growing up? Because you came from a large family too?
Speaker 1:Because I'm from a large family, I came from a large family, too, because I'm from a large family, I came from a large family, did we have a traditional birthday, so my mom would pick us up and we would like skip school together.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, yeah, so so like a similar, like quality time yeah, because, like we didn't do banners or anything like that, but my husband that's where banners and stuff like that came from um, we would all pile into my parents bed at like six o'clock in the morning and open our gifts before school and so, but, we would pile in and then go down for breakfast, but that was like our big tradition, yeah.
Speaker 1:No, I think I got like banners from like Facebook and Pinterest, I think other moms told me I was supposed to have a banner and I was like, oh, okay, I'll do that. That sounds like a good idea. The donuts came from me. No, I don't even think.
Speaker 1:The donuts came from me, I think I saw a picture of a friend Like we were in our early stages of parenting and we had kids similar ages and she posted a picture of like a birthday cake donut thing and I was like that looks fun. I actually stole. That was a season where I would like I would lift a lot of things from the pictures that she sent Because she did mom like she did. She was a really fun mom and we're not like really close friends, like we're more like she's a friend of a friend but we've've anyhow. So she has no idea how much stuff I lifted from her, but that's okay. I dang sure was like, ooh, that looks like a good idea.
Speaker 2:That was the great creation of Pinterest, facebook, instagram. You can lift these ideas, yeah, and when you're trying to create like your own traditions for your family.
Speaker 1:I'll tell you what, though, I mean. Traditions are something that have changed so much Like.
Speaker 2:birthdays are just one thing that has changed.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh, yeah, Traditions are um. I can't keep up.
Speaker 2:Well, like your first two were totally raised differently, right, I mean, that's my first three were raised totally different. Tradition wise, just everything Like. Can't even like compare, compare no.
Speaker 1:I wish I was drinking a beer while we were. I would have just taken a swig if we were drinking, if I was drinking beer. From that statement Were my first two. Are they still raised Totally different? And this, you know what? Let's get onto this hot topic Ready for a hot take. My older two are still parented different. Yeah, we have a language of parenting and relating to each other that I very intentionally crafted in their early years and the payoff of that, um, I hope, continues.
Speaker 2:I hope I don't screw it up so much well, like don't, they can just feel your like so weird because, like my biological children, which I'm sorry to call like, say, but why? It's the truth, it is the truth. But those four can feel my heart differently, like you're saying, you do parent them different because they feel that, or they know, like I don't know again, but like if I say I'm disappointed, which I don't know, if you use that phrase.
Speaker 1:No, I don't actually.
Speaker 2:But if you were to like tell your child that you were even like upset or heartbroken over something, even if you were like hey, I know you can do that and you're not working to you know, but it's always like they turn it into something different, where it's not like you know what I can and I will next time, yeah, it's. They turn it into something different where, like again, like my four own up to it, like they're like like the parenting is just so different?
Speaker 1:Well, there's not shame involved.
Speaker 2:Correct, no Right.
Speaker 1:And so I think that when we're parenting our adopted kids versus our biological kids, like there's a level of shame that we didn't introduce, that they didn't introduce, that's a by-product of their situation that um takes time to weed out if and when it ever. I mean I don't, we're not, I don't have older um kids, right, so I don't know. I've seen other older kids and I think that there's hope. Where we are is not like a full connection, like we are not, we're not fully attached yet and that is a visceral feeling in in every interaction and some kids are on different ends of that spectrum of ability to it like ability to attach, my ability to attach to them.
Speaker 1:I was at breakfast with somebody today and she has adopted four kids and then they have a. They have one biological kid that's like was again like very much like Augie, born in the mix, and their last one. She was telling me that because he came different, he came like after a couple of years in foster care. He came like her other ones came from the hospital. Attachment looked different. He came like her other ones came from the hospital. Attachment looked different. And she I say this to say she looked at me and she was like oh my gosh, I've thought about you so many times because you've had to do this with four kids at one time. You've had to like, you've had to build connection with four kids at one time in adoption and like not even the complication of that. We fostered them for two years and didn't we were not attaching as if we were adopting. So, like all of those like Because that's hard too, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's hard too, because you parent and foster Totally different With all of your heart, but it's with that goal of.
Speaker 1:Reunification.
Speaker 2:Reunification.
Speaker 1:And so it's always there, even if we've said like, yeah, if the need arises, it's still there, like these kids are going home anyhow, um, and it's a, it's a very real thing attachment and parenting attachment for us, and I think that that is so overlooked oh, I'm about to get on a soapbox. I think that one of the things that people assume is that, because we are the adults in the situation, we just automatically love with, whatever, like, with, with all of the strings attached that we have for our biological children. Because we are the adults, it's not hard for us. Because we were the adults, like and because, because of because, because, because you should, you should, you should, you should, and we take it all on ourselves, and then we don't experience it in adoption Sometimes some people do, which makes it even more complicated for those of us who don't right, like, it's just like.
Speaker 1:And then you should yourself into a corner and you have all of this pent up frustration at yourself, at the situation, at others, and you're like what the heck is going on here and really what it is is just this really high standard of attachment, such a high standard that is not built the same way, we don't have the same chemical components happening that we had when we were birthing and nurturing and loving our newborn babies. That grew inside of it right, like it's all. It is a soapbox for me because it's hard for the kid and it is also hard for the adult. It is extremely hard and in the middle of that you have behavior and weeding through. That whole thing is like it's so it can be so overwhelming. It can be so just your natural like, like where your day starts, is at overwhelming.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:Because it exists.
Speaker 2:Woken up many of mornings feeling that way yeah, yeah, yeah, no for sure. And I, I mean, I've even broken down to you know, my pastor, and said to him you can say, priest Priest, that you know he, we were talking about something else. And he said, oh, you know, I was talking to Clark and he seemed like he was having a moment right and he was like, is everything okay? And I was like I mean where do you want me to start with? Okay, like, like, what? Like are you asking me? Like, in his faith, does he feel okay? Like at home, is it okay? And a teacher?
Speaker 1:wrote me an email and she said you haven't been on the app.
Speaker 2:I don't have time for six different apps, okay?
Speaker 1:and she said is everything okay at home? 100? That was the wrong question to ask me.
Speaker 2:I will off air read you the email that I sent back well, my response to my priest was have you ever, I said and I know you can't answer this, but have you ever tried loving a child that does not love you back?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I started crying and was like it is the hardest part of my life, yeah, and so again and I hear this all the time too when people are becoming foster parents or with the hopes of adoption, right, yeah, oh my gosh, how could you ever say no to a child? And like? I even had a coworker just recently say something to me and was like, well, like I think most foster parents adopt and I'm like I don't think that's correct Because as a foster parent, I can't be selfish and know that this child has needs that are beyond my like. There are some kids you know their needs are beyond and I and I and some people might go oh my gosh, that is so selfish of you to say that, but my family was already created of three children when I started fostering, um, and I know that child needs to be the only child yeah I know that child needs to be like the apple of someone's eye and the soul, the sole focus of their effort.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:And their capacity.
Speaker 2:They got a lot more energy to like.
Speaker 1:They have a lot more energy. They have a lot more time. A kid that you're talking about like that needs so many therapies.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:So many appointments, so many redos, so many times you're sitting on the floor and you're like um I mean, let's face it, you're still in therapy like most of my kids are in there, like two at least two therapies a week. So I mean, I say that amount of therapies that is happening in my family times that by like seven yeah so I don't work full time.
Speaker 1:Ha ha, jokes on you guys, um, but, but the thing is, though, is that it's like it's all of that takes like there's. I have one kid that that truly would really like to be an only child, and um they said I have two of them.
Speaker 1:They said to me one time it's not, I don't mind that you love the other kids in the house, as long as you love me the most. And I was like that doesn't work like that, like that's um but um. Also, they will do things to get all of like to caps to capture my attention. Positive, negative Doesn't.
Speaker 2:positive, negative doesn't matter doesn't matter, we're gonna we're gonna get it.
Speaker 1:We're gonna get it.
Speaker 2:However, it's gonna come to me, we're gonna get it.
Speaker 1:And so I will find myself, like on any given day, out for the count with this one kid for an hour, two hours, locked into some God knows what conversation like, just locked in where, in order to love her well, for where she is, it's going to take all of me right now and you know, I don't. I don't know if outside of this world, when people say like how was your day, that you, we can, we can accurately say do you want the Facebook photo version or do you want the like raw Facebook?
Speaker 1:photo, I would say what's really real. We went on a trip out West over the summer. I have mentioned it on the podcast before. I have not gone in depth about this trip anywhere in my life actually, and except for in therapy, which should tell you something.
Speaker 1:And the cue that people when I came home okay, let me say it like this, the cue that I told people to look for when we came home was at what point did I stop talking on Facebook, on Instagram, on social media? At what point did I just post pictures and everybody's like you look like you had such an amazing time. And I was like, yeah, it's not hard for the Tetons to look good, it's not hard, you just snap right. I mean, it didn't help that on our particular trip they were covered in smoke until the very last day, but still, you're like in the Tetons, you're in Yellowstone, you're in the Badlands, you're at Custer State Park. It's not hard for these places to look good on camera and for children who love to be outside to look happy in these pictures. This is not the full story.
Speaker 2:I feel like that should be we were not sitting down for dinner when somebody was having a meltdown, yeah it was like this is not the full.
Speaker 1:This is. This is a truth, this is a part of what happened on the trip. This is, this is accurate and also this is what I want to remember, yeah, but yeah, and this trip will go down as like man, a not great idea, like no, it won't. It will go down as being really informative and being really telling and being whatever, but you kind of want to put this disclaimer on every social media post that ever exists.
Speaker 2:That's like this is not the full story and my life is actually like I want to engage in a public sphere, but my life isn't actually suitable for public consumption yeah, I think we get like 10 easy seconds after we've put them to bed and that could be your, my facebook like of excitement and real like just feeling at ease, before I hear someone be like I didn't use the bathroom or whatever it may be, and then or I open up my emails and see like do you know what I'm saying? Like I totally agree. We went on. We went to Disney for um after the adoption.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Most magical place on earth.
Speaker 1:Well, it was not magical Disney is not the most magical place. Sarah, if you're listening, I'm sorry that I said that I'm also not sorry, oh, I love me some Disney.
Speaker 2:I know you love Disney, but it's not like we were there to celebrate. Yeah, and it felt like the most overwhelming trip of my lifetime oh yeah and I was like this is supposed to be exciting. Yeah, so like it was a spur of the moment trip, you know, because I didn't give us much forewarning that the adoption was happening in like weird a moment um, oh, these kids that have been in my house. Guess what we're going to make this legal in two days.
Speaker 2:Oh okay, cool, cool, cool. But yeah, I mean it's. And again we snapped up all the photos with the characters and like put them up and we're like this is our forever vacation. And it was like we got home and we're like, are you kidding me? Like this was you know, but I do.
Speaker 2:Going back, to talking about like us parents not feeling whole right Because we're taking care of all of this and I do. I think people really do think sometimes that we're not the saint because we're not like they're, like you're so lucky and I'm like I am lucky and I do feel lucky, but some ways my glass is half full and sometimes it's half empty sometimes it's empty.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sometimes it's.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it's overflowing Um it's like one of those magician glasses. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, like it rarely is my, it rarely is my cup half of anything, I think. Like it's either, um, it's either like life is chugging along and it's great or it's like I'm. So I'm struggling so hard right now because I'm like the examples that I could give that would not be protective of the children in the story right now. However, like somebody called yesterday, wanted to check on me and I didn't know to trust it if it was like genuine, like they were like, hey, I was thinking about you, I wanted to check on you and I was like, okay, cool, we're fine. Um, you know, like when you like, pass that off to begin with, and then they're like, no, like I'm, I'm genuinely like I want to know how you're doing and I was like, oh, uh, Cause again.
Speaker 2:that's hard for us, I think, as adoptive parents, to kind of open up that wound to other people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Because it's, because there's not a Cause again.
Speaker 2:the worst thing to say to an adoptive or special needs parent. Special needs is oh yeah, I have a two-year-old. They do the same exact thing. Shut up. This is not your typical two-year-old, whether it be that it is adoptive or biological or whatever, and has special needs. Like, don't tell me that your kid's a headbanger and it'll outgrow.
Speaker 1:Right. The root cause of this is different, so different, and yeah, right.
Speaker 2:And so it's hard to open up to those people.
Speaker 1:I think another one of the things that people could say is like you asked for this.
Speaker 2:Oh God, all the time, yep yeah.
Speaker 1:So why did?
Speaker 2:why did you say yes? Why did you? You know?
Speaker 1:Or you should quit and it's like I'm not, I don't need to, I don't want to quit.
Speaker 2:Or you should take some of this off of your plate. Well, which part? Some things I find are my livelihood, Like they're keeping me going Right.
Speaker 1:And then some of these other things that I can't get off my plate because they call me mom.
Speaker 2:Like you've seen bad moms, right? No?
Speaker 2:I'm, oh my gosh, I'm not um so like she does, like she just has that moment where she's like, and funny enough enough, you said something, but like she does, she's like I always wonder if I like maybe would get sick and end up in the hospital and like have a vacation. And like she says this in there and I'm like, you know, like it's like that meme where the mom's like throwing the laundry down the like steps and she's like, oh, maybe I'll just fall down to get a vacation and I'm never going to do that.
Speaker 1:But listen when Slade was in the hospital for two weeks straight. Um, that now it was. There were really hard elements of that too, of those two weeks life changing two weeks, to be sure, uh, but part of that felt like a vacation, not even going to lie. Life-changing two weeks, to be sure, uh, but part of that felt like a vacation, not even gonna lie, I'm with you.
Speaker 2:I was in a NICU up in north carolina with a baby and I felt the same me and one kid in a hospital somebody's bringing us food.
Speaker 1:Yep, I'm like this was, this was, and meanwhile it took I was organizing four different people to do just my job at home carrying like carrying the load of what I carried at home. I was like that's one time that I looked at my life and I was like I think my life is crazy. It was like it was like anybody on the outside could look at my life and be like your life is crazy. But that was one of the first times that I was like it takes four people to do my job and I'm not like super mom, like I'm not.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh. No, Not that I'm saying no to you, but I mean like I don't feel, like I'm a super mom either.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just like the literal, like burden of what I had was carrying at the time. So at two weeks in the hospital with Slade felt glorious, I mean, and also I don't want to undermine that was actually like very challenging and no, it's hard by far.
Speaker 2:Yeah, being away from all of it, I mean yeah, but we like got to eat popsicles at two o'clock in the morning after like I didn't get to do any of that well they don't do popsicles with a nick you for little babies, but they were like you can go downstairs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, buy your own dinner no, we got to like he'd have to get blood work done in the middle of the night and we'd um, you know they wake you up. We were on a 24-hour clock, basically, and so, um, we'd snuggle in bed and watch movies and eat popsicles and take pictures. I mean, it was so that time with him was so sweet, but anyhow, okay. Well, megan, thank you so much for being on here. Our conversations took a very long winding path, but I am so happy to have had it.
Speaker 2:I'm so thankful you had me.