Single, Fostering and Figuring it Out: One Foster Mom's Journey into the Unknown

Kate shares her journey from teacher to single foster parent, reflecting on the profound identity shift that occurs the moment a child enters your home and the unique challenges of navigating the system alone.

• Background in early childhood and special education creating a strong foundation for advocacy
• Building a house with kids in mind before even being licensed
• The exact moment of becoming a mother at 11:23pm on June 29, 2023
• Navigating the overwhelming initial days of placement with no preparation
• The tremendous mental load of single parenting while managing the foster care system
• Creating community support networks for foster families
• Starting a nonprofit to connect those who want to help with foster families in need
• The critical importance of utilizing respite care for sustainability
• Finding balance between the peaceful single life and the chaos of fostering
• The uncertainty that comes with foster care and learning to embrace it

Use respite care regularly - it's not just good for you but beneficial for the kids to see other safe adults and different family dynamics.

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Transcript

Meeting Kate: Single Foster Mom Journey

Speaker 1 0:00

Hi Kate.

Speaker 2 0:01

Hello.

Speaker 1 0:01

Thanks so much for coming and joining and for representing single moms. Kate is going scared today she is, but last year it was at the Replanted Conference here in town. That is, by the time this airs we'll have come and gone. Yep, kate and I met there and at the end of the conference we were like um, do you want to like be my new best friend?

Speaker 2 0:30

yeah, I remember so clearly and you walked over and said that because I was like, the whole time you're talking I was like I feel like we should be best friends and like truly felt it. And then you said it and I was like, and then I literally left and it was like the foster friend adjacent to online dating, because I was like I bet she says that to everybody, I bet she wants to be everybody's friend and I.

Speaker 1 0:50

I do not say that to everybody.

Speaker 2 0:52

I was like very excited when there was the follow-up and then we went on our breakfast. I was very excited.

Speaker 1 0:58

Yes, we were like oh wow, we really actually do um move through the world.

Speaker 1 1:03

Quite similarly, um and we care about, care about, we're like, we're passionate about the same kind of things. Um, I'm fascinated I've always been fascinated, um, by foster moms who do it alone, by foster moms who are like yep, I have time, I have space. Yep, I have time, I have space. Let me open up my heart. Um, I had in my 20s, like a, a deadline for myself, like, if I'm not married by such and such, when I, by the time that I'm 30, then I'm gonna like start this by myself. And um, it had always been such a um, I'd felt such a calling on my life towards it. But that is not your story. Like you didn't, you didn't always want to be a foster mom, can you, can you kind of back up a little bit and say and tell us how you got into jumping in scared?

Speaker 2 1:59

Sure. So I was a teacher straight out of college. I moved to Vermont and I ended up teaching there for 11 years and when I moved to my second school I bought a house. I was 27, bought my first house and I remember going to this foster licensing class. It was at a church in Keene, new Hampshire, and I went to the first class in the basement of the church and got into my car afterwards and just immediately like burst into tears because I was like I cannot do this right now.

Speaker 2 2:26

My family was living five hours away. They were in Syracuse. I was like this is definitely something that I want to do, but like between teaching in a different state than where I live it was only a half an hour commute, but that with like the after school stuff, I was like this just isn't going to work without my family being here. So I continued to teach high school and ended up working with a mental health agency where I did respite for kiddos in high school. They would come, usually on Tuesdays and Thursdays and stay over in my house. So I kind of got a little bit of a feel they were not in foster care but just for what it was like to have other people in my house. And then I moved to Florida and was living at my parents house in the thick of COVID and started doing pride classes online while my house was being built. And then it took a little while, but a couple years later there were kiddos.

Speaker 1 3:14

You're living with your parents. Here is 2020. And you still have this like like kind of itch that you could do more, that you could do something for kids in your own home.

Speaker 2 3:24

Yeah, and I mean I always did want to parent in some capacity, but I never felt like so, like kind of opposite of how you say that you had the deadline. I was just like I don't really care how this happens, whether, like, I want kids to be in my life, whether that means it's through foster care or adoption or I have kids or I date someone who has kids, like it doesn't matter, I just knew that I wanted kids to be around. It did feel a little bit overwhelming, though, being like a full time teacher, to be like to do like the kids stuff all day and the kids stuff all night, yeah, and then all as a single person.

Speaker 2 3:56

So when I moved to Florida I got into real estate and very quickly, once my mom moved down and COVID started, we were like this is a lot for the three of us me and my parents to be living together. So I built a house and, as I like, looked at the floor plans, picked everything out and started taking pride classes I was like referring to, like, the secondary bathroom as the kids bathroom, like with no foster license, nothing, like I would be on the pride classes like, oh, and then they're building it, and I picked out the tile for the kids bathroom, like it was always that it wasn't like.

Speaker 2 4:28

This is where, like, my parents will use the bathroom, so I don't have to clean mine. It was like this will be for the kids.

Speaker 1 4:34

So you do all of that and then then they bring kids and you experience motherhood for the first time. What was that like?

From Teacher to Foster Care Calling

Speaker 2 4:44

motherhood for the first time. What was that like? Um, I remember so clearly. So it was June 29 of 2023. I had just posted, like three days before, my little felt cork board. That's like Lucy, who was my dog at the time, lucy and Kate licensed foster family and yeah, it was June 29. My friends were out to dinner and I only had two of their kids. So I took their kids to Target and I got a call for my first littles and I was like, hi, cut your date, come get your kids. We're at Target. And I had spent a lot of time with their kids in the past year. So, like, obviously, I told their daughters like what was about to happen. And we're there. So we're like picking out clothes, picking out food, like no idea, like can these kids chew? What are they? Like? What do we need to do? I have literally no idea, even though I felt like I was ready because I had like a very cute crib sheet and you know all the things that make you ready for parenting.

Speaker 1 5:37

Yeah, it's like starting a new exercise routine and having to go get new clothes. Oh, yeah routine and having to go get new clothes.

Speaker 2 5:43

Oh yeah, you weren't for sure yeah, I'm like I need the new clothes and I need the water bottle, but I don't even have the list of exercises to do. That's correct, right, but like yeah, I got that in phabletic subscription yeah, I've been paying for the why, like you know, whatever.

Speaker 1 5:56

So you're at target and you're like I guess babies wear these.

Speaker 2 6:00

Yeah, like I was like and I don't know if they're potty trained like so I'm getting like underwear pull up like hundreds and hundreds of dollars which I had no problem spending at Target. My friends pick up their kids and they're like what, coming until about 11 o'clock at night and I remember so specifically being like go take a shower and cry, because nothing is a cry like a shower cry, and I was like you need to not have any of your own stuff when they're here, so like let's pre-plan this cry. And I did and it was wonderful. My friends always pick on me because they're like every time you can cry on command.

Speaker 2 6:49

Oh yeah, I can cry all the time. There's certain songs, there's certain commercials. You think about the end of Homeward.

Speaker 1 6:52

Bound, Are you kidding me Like forget?

Speaker 2 6:54

it done and I remember, like the you know, I get the text like we're here and they were two little littles, so like going outside, and I opened one of the doors and somebody picked up their arms and I picked them up and I was like, okay, in this exact second, nothing in my life is the same anymore. Literally nothing. At 1123pm on June 29th 2023.

Speaker 1 7:14

I felt exactly the same way when the case worker put my first placement in my kitchen. They were sitting at the dining room table. She left and I remember standing there and thinking no matter what happens from this point forward, my identity has just shifted and it was such a like seismic shift inside of me that I knew I would never be the same, no matter what, no matter what the future brought. That's so. I've never heard somebody else say that they had that like moment of, but it really truly for you. You're standing outside the car and motherhood starts.

Speaker 2 7:54

Right, right, and it like I remember literally the minute that it was, and it was just like nothing is the same. And in that same moment it was like I mean they were in New York at the time, just like nothing is the same. And in that same moment it was like, I mean, they were in New York at the time, but like that was also the minute that my parents experienced grandparenting for the first time. Right, like it was a big thing. I have two siblings and neither one of them had kids at the time, so it was like a big thing for all of us.

Speaker 2 8:18

But yeah, nothing was the same Nothing.

Speaker 1 8:23

So did you have to get back into your shower and cry again?

Speaker 2 8:26

No, I didn't cry that day. No, I and that's the thing I can hold it for a long time. And if you have done foster care and you know how long daycare vouchers take, especially when the fourth of July holiday is coming up, you're gonna have to hold those cries for a minute because they're gonna be there for a couple weeks. They're going to be there for a hot second. Yeah.

Speaker 1 8:44

Yeah, what was that? What was that like? What was it like to go from? Your house is yours, your schedule is yours, your life is yours and then, all of a sudden, daycare voucher is not here, and so, 24 hours a day, you are somebody else's.

Speaker 2 9:08

It was definitely different. Um, and I don't know. I mean, I remember the first full day that I had them. We went and met up with some of my friends at their community pool and I did have my parents were out of town for the summer but I had different people that were like reaching out and the friends who I had their daughters that I essentially made them come and pick up from Target. We went to their house like a day or two later I can't remember if it was the first day I had him or the second full day for dinner. And I remember being like, like trying to be like no, we're fine, we're fine, we don't need anything. And literally my friend got on the phone and he was like you do get in the car, put the kids in the car and come and eat dinner with your family, and he's like we always joke, he's the big brother.

Speaker 1 9:59

I didn't want.

Speaker 2 9:59

But like, like, just like that level of support of like no one in his mind. He was probably like, hey, I've been parenting for, yeah, a decade, like come over um.

First Placement: Motherhood Begins

Speaker 1 10:03

I understand how fast you can run out of energy right and we got woodpeckers takeout, which is like phenomenally delicious, and I'm like terrified of choking.

Speaker 2 10:12

So it was helpful to have because I don't know what these kids can eat like I would puree kids food until they're seven if I had a choice right. So to like have them there to be like she's fine, you know these kids can eat this food, they're okay, Was helpful, yeah you had to figure all of that out, but not with, like, teeny tiny babies.

Speaker 1 10:31

right, you were figuring it out on the fly.

Speaker 2 10:34

But it's pretty funny to look back at like pictures and videos, because I was like so proud of my little plates that have like the three quadrants and all that and it's like they 100% could have eaten food like way bigger than it was.

Speaker 1 10:48

It's fine.

Speaker 2 10:48

We're gonna get the fruits into them and they're basically pureed, but like we'll make it work, what surprised you the most about motherhood? Like we'll, make it work. What surprised you the most about motherhood?

Speaker 2 10:58

Just like the overall mental load of being a mother and I recently went to South America with my brother and my dad for his birthday and other members of our family and I was anxious before I went and my brother said he was like mom's got this, like mom only has to keep them alive and I was like that's all I have to do.

Speaker 1 11:18

And he was like no, it's not.

Speaker 2 11:20

He was like you have to do way more than I have to do because you're also a foster parent, like he was like the mental load of what you have to do. And then he saw me when we were in South America having like I was still on the phone, I was still doing emails. I was still on the phone, I was still doing emails. I was doing all this stuff. He's like mom it's a job to keep kids alive, for sure.

Speaker 2 11:38

But, that's literally all she has to do. You're still the one that has to communicate with all these different people, because it's a new placement, there's medical stuff, all of that and I was like wow, when you get to feel truly seen by a younger brother. I don't think a lot of people experience that all the time.

Speaker 2 11:55

So I was like this is pretty awesome, but I think just that piece of it and just like wait. So I really am the one that's doing all this Like, what, what? Like, because I'm super used to even as like a 30 something when I'm nannying for people or watching their kids or whatever I'm like. But how much amoxicillin do they get? Like I know how to read a label, right, but it's still like the parents are like you do exactly this. And then it's like no, no, no, you do this. You have to figure all that out and obviously I knew all of that. But I do think that there's certain things, as far as like from a childhood development perspective, that like were helpful to see some needs, um, and to you know, especially with like schools being like no, we need to really like make this more of a priority, um for evaluations and whatnot. But also just like sometimes what they need is not we're not, you don't have to do these enrichment activities.

Speaker 2 12:51

Sometimes you just need to lay on the couch and like watch Bluey yeah, or let them brush your hair, which is, like my favorite thing to get kids to do is brush my own hair.

Speaker 1 13:00

But and also bonus. It's an activity where they feel some control, where they are dominant in the relationship, if you will, which is what they're always looking for, so it's an easy access point for me to give it Anyhow rabbit trail. But if you're listening to this and you're looking for an easy connection to do with a kid that you like or don't like and no judgment from me on either one of those brushing hair is like a really good one. It's a really, really good one. Um, I love, though, what you said about having an education background. Helps you know, like, how to like early childhood education. That's your degree, right?

Speaker 2 13:48

um I. My experience as a teacher was sixth through twelfth grade health right, but I do have a degree in um early and special ed.

Speaker 1 14:03

Yeah, I feel like I can advocate as a mom, but I don't feel like I can advocate with knowledge like you would be able to in like no, I actually know a what an IEP even is. And now we're into a whole different subject about like advocacy. But I think it's really cool that you have that. So you weren't coming in. There was a lot that you were coming in unknown, but there were some things that you were coming in very able to like nope, this feels normal to me, like I know. I know what to do here.

Speaker 2 14:27

I think about from a different placement, with like the CPI person coming in to check on everything and just talking about like the services that will come in the future and like how that will work with like case management, getting the services and all of that. And I was like, oh no, we already went to the pediatrician and we have otpt speech, everything is already scheduled for evaluations oh my god, did their jaw drop completely hit the floor and I was like, oh no, because this was like day 12.

Speaker 2 14:54

So the placements that I've gotten have always been during holidays, whether it was fourth of July or. Christmas, so everything is closed forever, basically, it seems. So yeah, I already had all those, referrals were already pending, and he was like what? And I said, yeah, I used to be a teacher.

Speaker 1 15:11

He's like oh got it.

Speaker 2 15:12

He's like Okay.

Speaker 1 15:13

I know a little bit how the system works.

Speaker 2 15:15

That checks out.

Speaker 1 15:16

So another ace that you have up your sleeve is your parents. You have right Like they're. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 15:44

Like. Does that convey like they're like grandparents, but they're?

Speaker 1 15:47

not like grandparents.

Speaker 2 15:48

Yeah, if this was being recorded with a video camera, my head nod. Yeah, 100% in agreement.

Speaker 1 15:54

And so they're like, they're there, they, they treat them. You know, they get the get Christmas presents, they get birthday presents, they get that kind of stuff. But, um, the kids in our home have significant behaviors and maybe they're a little bit overwhelmed or they're. You know, they get boundaries and they all of that stuff, and to each their own. And I'm not saying anything, um, I'm just kind of objectively relaying this information right. Then there's other families where the grandparents are non-existent and people do this without family support, and that couldn't be farther from the truth for you farther from the truth for you?

Speaker 2 16:37

No, and honestly, like that was one of the eye opening things as well, going to these different support groups and hearing about those families, because, like it truly could not be more the opposite for me.

Speaker 2 16:48

Apparently. When I was like three or four my dad took me, I think, to see the Little Mermaid. But I don't remember my dad like being this big Disney advocate. And then all of a sudden I had kids in my house and I got them annual passes. And guess who got an annual pass is Bill Burt. So he went with us many times and was always like, whatever we were doing, we would have, you know, thousands of snacks the whole way there, but he was just thrilled to push the stroller and be along for the ride and do whatever like truly dive into this.

Speaker 2 17:20

And then I mean nobody can hold a candle to my mom. My dad is fantastic in all the ways, but my mom has jumped in like as authentically as I feel like a co parent would have, like truly, and whether that is my mom. Her second career was in education as well, so she was an elementary special education teacher. So she has a very high threshold and understanding for kids of all needs and kids of all backgrounds. So I definitely think that gives her a leg up as well.

Speaker 2 17:49

But my mom is like whether it's literally take the kids for me to go to South America to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday she took them. Then she comes over and, like her and her friend, absolutely love to organize my house. I have become the unofficial children's things gatherer of my entire neighborhood so, like everyone, the big joke is always like, can you park in the garage today? And it's like some days I can, and then other days it's like overflowing before I get it into homes of foster families. So my mom comes over and organizes all of that and then like I mean she wrapped she and her friend wrapped 625 presents for families. They literally were dropping presents for Christmas off to my house and picking them up like a week later. Like she truly has gone in so deep to support me and the kids in my home and like literally anyone else that she's met in this journey.

Speaker 1 18:42

It's amazing, yeah, I mean what like? What an incredible gift to know that you're not alone, that you're not doing it alone, absolutely. You've never felt alone in this. Maybe I'm putting words in your mouth. Have you ever felt alone in this? I don't ever feel alone.

Speaker 2 19:03

Unfortunately, my parents only live here for half the year, so it's not as easy, obviously, when they're gone and they're about to leave in a couple weeks to go to New York. But, of course, like my mom planned when she was going to go back to her lake house, her favorite place in the world around when my friend gets married in the Dominican so she can watch my kids in a couple weeks. So like they're so authentically helpful and I mean I took the kids my first placement went with me several times to New York.

Speaker 2 19:31

So my parents are helpful in New York and they're helpful in Florida no-transcript kind of sits and watches life happen. Yeah, no, no.

Speaker 1 20:15

You are a person who by very by your nature I'm sure that you've done this for your whole life but by your nature you kind of take stock of what you need and then you go figure out what to do or you or how to how to meet that need, or, yeah, you live life big, but in doing that you've done foster care big.

Speaker 2 20:38

Yeah, and I just like I think about so. I go to a lot of different support groups and I'm constantly trying to be like okay, well, what do other people need? And not that I necessarily can do it, like I don't have unlimited funds or anything like that, but it's like I think a lot of people who are outside of foster care want to help people who are living within foster care. They oftentimes just don't know how to do it. So I'm also like forever yelling from the rooftops like buy a foster family, a pizza, save your clothes, you know to donate, like you can do other things if you can't, if you don't want to have kids in your home, just to continue that conversation. But I mean I've met so many amazing people through doing this and like there's so many support groups and there's so many ways to meet people.

Family Support and Community Building

Speaker 2 21:22

So last year a friend and I did like a hygiene supply drive for kiddos in care and it was like a ton of people who I know from New York were like they just want to help and we had this whole Amazon wishlist of like all the different basic hygiene things that you can need and then so many people are willing to do stuff with their time or their money. They just don't know what to do. I actually recently started a nonprofit and it will remain on a very small scale. But one of the things for my birthday I put out this thing that was like every $6 donation that you make will go to buy Girl Scout cookies for a family with foster and adoptive children, and they're purchased through Girl Scouts who are either in foster care or have been adopted. So it was like it hit like it's our nonprofit.

Speaker 2 22:09

Oh my gosh, and it's going through that and I mean we raised, I think $50 worth or 50 boxes worth, so $600, $300, whatever that would be and got them into it. So I would just go with my little HomeGoods reusable bag to all the support groups and everyone would pass them out. And yeah, people were so, so generous.

Speaker 1 22:29

I've tapped into this element of there are so many people who don't want to foster, they don't want to adopt kids, and but they do want to help. And I say all of the time I'm just like, all of the time I'm like this is so important, this is such an important piece of the puzzle that we all have a part and we can do it. And you've just really tapped that vein of how do we, how do I activate you guys? What has been the hardest part about being a single mom, in fact, like a single foster mom, and or what? What do you long for?

Speaker 1 23:10

I feel like my brain is so used to like the quick answers of like well, I obviously want a husband to pay half of my mortgage right and like to say that in like a joking way well, I think you might have touched on it earlier and this would have been the same thing that your friend said of like the mental load being being so tremendous. Like you're the one that carries the mental load, um, without even the benefit of like, uh, the illusion of somebody else carrying the mental load, without even the benefit of, like, the illusion of somebody else carrying the mental load for you, does that make sense?

Speaker 2 23:41

It does.

Speaker 1 23:43

There are so many marriages where the mental load is still 100% on the mom.

Speaker 2 23:48

Well, that's my whole thing, that's why I? Went to like if they could just pay off the mortgage, that would be great. I'll still keep the mental load. Yeah, Like I'm going to have to do the mental load.

Speaker 1 23:55

anyway, I want to be really careful here. I've never seen you as somebody who's waiting for a husband.

Speaker 2 24:06

No, and I mean I'm not.

Speaker 1 24:09

Yeah, I also would love you're like half my mortgage in my every month Like that would be great.

Speaker 2 24:15

They don't have to live there. That's perfectly fine.

Speaker 1 24:21

I think you live life so big and you live life just constantly going after the things that you want. So when I was asking the question, I was also like there might not actually be an answer to this question because, specifically of how you go after life, like I feel like a deep longing. If you were to say like, oh, I have this deep longing, you would, you would go after it.

Speaker 2 24:51

Yeah, and I feel like there's like a lot of quick answers, but then I immediately and maybe this is just how my brain functions would like turn it back off like I made the joke, immediately, like I want a husband to pay half my mortgage. But then you reference the mental load, and that's where my mind would go next to be like why?

Speaker 2 25:05

so I can still essentially do all of it plus for another person right and then I think like I mean, if my mom decided to not go to New York every summer, that would be fine, but I also would not want her to not do that.

Speaker 1 25:17

Lynn, are you listening? She's definitely going to listen. I know that you are.

Speaker 2 25:20

Her eyes are rolling so big right now, and so are my dad's, and the off chance that she listens, which she will not. Yeah, I don't really feel like there is necessarily Like I would like more stability. There is necessarily like I would like more stability, but, like I even think about, life for people in general is not stable like for anybody, whether they have no kids, bio kids, like it's not. I don't think anything is easy for anybody these days is basically what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 25:50

That's a dark statement, though the word that I am like hearing in my head is this like unrootedness yeah of everything's a possibility right, because anything could happen right I don't really know like which direction this goes in. Like after this placement goes home, do I still foster it's up in the air?

Speaker 2 26:10

right and like there is no biological clock on fostering, so there's no difference. I was like I keep saying to my family i'm'm like I'm already old and tired. I'm old and tired at 39. I'm not gonna be that much more old and tired at 42. Right, like in theory I could take some time and go to Spain for three years. So like because that still feels like a possibility. I think that's part of why I'm like I don't feel rooted. I'm like I don't feel rooted, but I also I'm way more scared to. I can't tell if I'm supposed to keep talking over your laughter.

Speaker 2 26:40

I'm way more scared of like being in the same house in five years than I am of like a totally different life.

Speaker 1 26:47

Yeah, like I'm laughing because your sentence I don't know, maybe I take off three years and go to spain is such a crazy sentence in um in my life, right, that that's right, like where you're like. Yeah, that's exactly my point. I can take off three years and go to spain if I want to. I understand this like the, the willingness to do anything and like just change on a dime and the like it's so. It's so much scarier to have roots.

Speaker 2 27:23

I totally agree, but it's also like the added. So, now that I currently have a placement, or when I had my previous placement, it was like, well, yeah, I mean I could move, but it's like I can move when decisions that I have no control over are made right so it's like who knows what all these things look like.

Speaker 2 27:41

And that's the thing. When you like, take that call and you don't know a lot about these kids and it's like people everybody's first question is like, well, how long will you have them? And I'm like anywhere from an hour and or till I die. And it's like you know you laugh and they laugh too, because it's like, what else do you do?

Speaker 1 27:55

But it's that's the actual truth. That's actually the truth, so like we say it and we say it as a joke, but it's actually what's true. It's always hard, I think. On the other side of it it's like and you touched on this briefly that when the kids leave, your life goes back to being very peaceful Immediately, once the sadness dissipates, immediately peaceful To the point that any life is peaceful, but just it's you and your golden retrievers and you're up late and there's not a consequence for being up late.

Speaker 2 28:34

No, I can watch Shameless on the couch until 1am and I'm perfectly fine, I'll get woken up when Connelly has to pee, but yeah, so that that massive difference.

Speaker 1 28:46

Can be hard to jump back into.

Speaker 2 28:48

Yeah.

Navigating Uncertainty and Finding Balance

Speaker 1 28:49

Cause. Then you're like oh wait, hold on. When do I want to give this up again? And you you knew that you faced that question with a lot of bravery and a lot of intention. I feel like of I want to make sure that I do this right and I do this well, and that I'm both honoring the fact that I need to rest after this and I don't want to rest for too long that I don't do it again. I don't do it again.

Speaker 2 29:16

Well, and I think too, like I always apologize profusely to my licensing specialist because I'm like, I feel like I ask 70 million questions, but my whole point is like, if I say yes, I don't, I want to make sure I can meet the needs that they have. Like I want it to be the right fit, because I'm asking this now so that I hopefully don't find out something in three weeks and have to move them. Yeah, like if I'm going to say yes. I want to be able to be that yes.

Speaker 1 29:38

Yeah, well, you just have a wholehearted yes. Like your yes is like I'm all in.

Speaker 2 29:42

Right.

Speaker 1 29:44

And.

Speaker 2 29:44

I feel like, because I am single, this is definitely one of the differences, like when there's two parent households and perhaps one of them doesn't work outside of the home or something they're more likely to be able to say yes to, like some different shorter term placements.

Speaker 1 29:57

Yeah.

Speaker 2 29:58

For me. I'm like no I, if they're going to come, I would like them to stay for longer. I would like this take care voucher and like let's get started into this routine.

Speaker 1 30:06

Yeah, yeah, it's necessary.

Speaker 2 30:08

So I think that's one of the differences.

Speaker 1 30:11

Well, on that note, thanks for saying yes, but you ready for lightning round?

Speaker 2 30:16

I think so. I'm nervous, but I think so.

Speaker 1 30:18

Okay, your most nervous question comes first what is on your nightstand?

Speaker 2 30:30

I cleaned my nightstand because I knew you were going to ask this, so they have been clean for a couple days. I have lamps on both of them. I have a diffuser that has not been plugged in or turned on. I have my favorite Capri Blue volcano candle.

Speaker 1 30:42

I love that candle so much.

Speaker 2 30:43

And highly recommend that everyone just keeps them in their cart at Anthropologie and then when they go on clearance and it goes 50% off, you can get them sometimes for like $14 instead of $38.

Speaker 1 30:52

Okay, second lightning question what is bringing you joy right now?

Speaker 2 30:58

So one of the things that I've done differently with my second set of kids is utilize respite, and I think that, especially as a single person, has been a complete game changer because it's allowing me intentional breaks. First of all, the family that has them is so wonderful and so kind that I literally asked the respite mom to go to coffee last week, so we went and hung out, but it's reminding me of like, yes, I am mama kate or a foster mom in this season, but I'm also still all these other parts of myself. So like to be able to stay in pajamas the bulk of the day yesterday, which honestly I sometimes we do with children anyway, um, and then just like spend time with my parents before they go back and just really have like a true break every you know, six weeks or so is is definitely bringing me joy.

Speaker 1 31:46

Yeah, we used respite when we were fostering and it was. I think it's one of the ways that you elongate how often, like how long you can foster for, absolutely like using respite and using it well, consistently, to where it's not out of the ordinary. The kids know where they're going. There's a pet, there's a pattern to it, um, it was.

Speaker 2 32:12

It's a game changer absolutely, and I know so. When I was in South America for two weeks they went to respite for a weekend of that. So my mom has this lovely family's contact info.

Speaker 1 32:23

And.

Speaker 2 32:23

I truly, because my mom sees a difference in just my overall joy when, I get that little break like she's like, either you. Basically, either you book it or I'm going to text her and tell her that this needs to happen. So definitely planning a couple weekends over the summer.

Speaker 1 32:39

Good, that's awesome.

Speaker 2 32:40

And it makes just a monumental difference. And I didn't do it the last time until I had the kids for 10 months, and that was dumb. That was not what I would give advice to people who are fostering for the first time.

Speaker 1 32:55

No, not what I would give advice to people who are fostering for the first time. Yeah, respite is one of the advices that I give, and it's hard when you're coming into foster care because you're like I would never do respite, I wouldn't do respite from, and like, okay, I get it.

Speaker 1 33:06

And also yeah just so you know, it's okay if you choose to do it like like, it's like, you have to like, like, phrase it a different way before people actually foster, before they'll actually agree to yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, when you're like, when you're in pride and you're like I'll never get frustrated at my foster kid imagine I can't even imagine like all of the things they've gone through and you're like, yeah, we're still people, we're still, we're still people and would argue that like it's super beneficial to the kids, like especially kids who come from really hard places, to see other safe adults.

Speaker 1 33:43

Yeah.

Speaker 2 33:43

And this is how we're treated in other safe adults homes and this is how a different family dynamics are.

Speaker 1 33:49

And yeah.

Speaker 2 33:50

I mean, I know that my little friends were super excited when they got picked up on Friday. Yeah, Because, this family is just so sweet and, yeah, I love that. Today, when I pick them up, they're going to be like Kate.

Speaker 1 34:05

The next lightning round question is what book or podcast are you enjoying right now?

Speaker 2 34:11

I have been carrying around the Glennon Doyle book that I can't even think of Untamed.

Speaker 2 34:15

Yes, that my friend got me like a year and a half ago. Then I read, you know, 80 pages or whatever in the first day and then haven't opened it since, which is, you know, kind of a theme of my life. But I have been carrying it as if I was going to read at the pool for the last couple of days. So that will be when I open a book, the next one that I read. But I have not opened it recently at all. I've been more into the land of the kids books.

Lightning Round: Joy and Self-Care

Speaker 1 34:44

Man, I wonder what reading that book is going to be like for you. I would love to talk to you after you read that book. I read it at the beginning of 2020.

Speaker 2 34:54

Yeah, it's in my car on top of my beach towel. It's just not hasn't been open and she honestly probably gave it to me more than a year and a half ago.

Speaker 1 35:03

Well, thanks for coming, thanks for being on the podcast, thanks for fostering and for being just generally awesome and a great friend.