Behind the Curtain: Honest Conversations about Foster Care and Adoption
Each episode will feature a conversation between host Rebecca Harvin and foster/adoptive caregivers or members of the community who support foster care and adoption.
Behind the Curtain: Honest Conversations about Foster Care and Adoption
Adoption Stories: From Neighbor to Mom, When Adoption Intersects Your Life
In this episode, we explore foster parenting advice and adoption resources through the story of a neighbor's crisis that led to adopting two teens. Mary shares her transition from a career police officer's mindset to trauma-informed parenting, revealing the challenges and rewards of becoming an adoptive family. Listen to how they moved from emergency foster care to adoption, emphasizing foster care advocacy, attachment, and the power of community support and therapy guidance. This episode highlights practical wins and sustainable hope for caregivers navigating the complex journey of foster care and adoption.
In this episode, we cover:
• noticing red flags across the street and stepping in
• compartmentalizing as a cop clashing with trauma needs
• one month of emergency care moving toward TPR
• faith, foster care, and deciding on adoption for teens
• learning attachment, repair, and that 30% is good enough
• releasing outcomes and lowering the pressure cooker
• practical wins with car rides, routines, and apologies
• deep wounds healing slowly and rewards arriving rarely but powerfully
• community support, therapy guidance, and sustainable hope
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Hey guys, thanks so much for joining us today on Behind the Curtain. I'm your host, Rebecca Harvin, and this is where we have honest conversations about foster care and adoption. My guest on the show today is a Haven mom, one of our board of directors, and my friend Mary Davis. She is here to talk about what it looks like when adoption intersects with your life as you know it. Mary quite suddenly adopted two additional children into her family in 2022 without much um preparation for it, we'll say. And she is here to tell us her story. So I hope that you enjoyed this conversation as much as I do. Mary, thank you so much for being here. I know that you're nervous and it's okay. I'm very glad to be here. Thank you. Good. This is um, I've been very um excited to have you. Not the least of which is because I love how you interpret life around you and I love how your brain works, but a lot because your story is so different than mine. Radically different than mine. I knew that I wanted to adopt at 16. Adoption surprised the mess out of you. Yes. Yeah. Can you can you tell us a little bit what your life looked like in 2020 before adoption intersected with your life?
SPEAKER_00:Yes. I as you're saying that, I'm thinking, yes, it looks so different than yours. I've heard your story and it's like, wow, okay, that is not at all. It never entered my mind. But um, it's 2020, and we start getting involved with neighbors across the street. And there's two children that are now mine. Uh, and it was we were starting to notice things around late 2019, and we ended up beginning to make phone calls, and it became a weekly thing where I was just constantly updating the person that was coming out. And somewhere in there, I said to the case manager that if they're ever taken out of the home, you can they can come into my home. Not having any idea what that really meant. Like I it's I just kind of giggle when I look back at that now. And so that was kind of what started it, and that day came when they were taken out of the home. And so they came to my home for one month. And I tell people all the time, I was so clueless about trauma, about what these kids had been through, about what that meant for them, you know, looked like what it looked like going forward. I I even laugh sometimes because I literally, it sounds so silly to say outs out loud, but it's like, okay, you've had a bath, you've got new clothes, you know, you've been all cleaned up, and let's move forward, you know, was kind of almost like I would have never said that out loud, but that really was my thinking.
SPEAKER_03:Painting the picture a little bit, a little bit more. Um, there's a reason for that, right? One of my favorite details about you is that you were a cop for 20 years. 20 years, yes. And the first time that you said it at the first retreat, I was like, yep, that makes sense. Because everything about you is this is exactly what you would want in a police officer, right? Steady, calm. Um, I have absolute certainty that you would be steady under like mass chaos happening around you. But you're trained, like your brain for 20 years is go to go to my work, do my shift, leave work at work. And you have seen in your career all kinds of things that the average Joe can't even like wrap their brain around. And you know how to cut that off and go home and enjoy a family life. Right. Right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So my my brain was very good at you once you get out of the police car, you take your uniform off, that's it. You leave it there. So I was still doing that, honestly, in a in a lot of ways, with these kids. Yeah, which is a huge part of your story, right?
SPEAKER_03:Like it's like you're making the phone call and you're hanging up and you're like, did my job. Right. Did like you're uh giving them a bath and a new set of clothes, and like what and your brain can shut it up, can go, okay, I did my job, and we like move on in a very trained kind of way.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I see that now. I didn't realize how much I was doing it then, even with the weekly updates calling. It's like, okay, I made my weekly call-in. Let's move on next to my to-do list, because you know, I was had a full-time job at the time, even though I had just retired from the sheriff's office. So it was like, okay, moving on, even though, oh, they're fighting again across the street. Let me make a note of that for next week.
SPEAKER_03:So read it in my in my diary, dear diary. Right. I'm not I don't mean to make fun of it, but um, that's so funny because it was one of the first things that I knew about you was the way that your brain had to have processed the beginning parts of this story is it is in a trained way from your career. Yes. Um, you had two kids that were old enough to be out of the house.
SPEAKER_00:Old enough to be out of the house, neither one of them were out of the house at the time this first started.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. But you had done what I'm I guess what I'm saying is you had done your job.
SPEAKER_00:Right. What you're getting at is my youngest had recently turned 18, and I was just starting to feel the oh wow, this is nice. Like I can worry about me more. And hey, if my husband and I want to go for a weekend away, it's completely not an issue. We can we can do that. We don't even have to make a phone call. No, we can just go, right? Right. What even is this? Right. I have these wonderful house sitters here, and we can just go. Freedom.
SPEAKER_03:Yes. In new and profound ways. And then 2020, as we know, the world shuts down. Right. You are more and more aware of what's happening across the street from you. The day does come when the caseworker says, actually, we can't leave these kids over here for another second. Remember how you said that we could call you.
SPEAKER_00:I could see it coming from across the street because they showed up and I'm watching, and I see them on the phone, and I know what they're doing because I, you know, did it for 20 years. That what part wasn't my job, of course, but I knew what they were doing. They were going down the list, calling everyone. And I I knew I knew there wasn't gonna be. I mean, I was 99% sure there wasn't going to be anybody else because I was pretty heavily involved with the entire family at that point. I I really in the beginning talked to bio mom and dad, really wanting them to get help and take advantage of the things that the case manager was offering them. So I from that I knew there's not gonna be anybody to take them. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Did you even have beds in your house that day? No. I was just trying to think where I originally put them. No, um they went on two air mattresses in a bedroom.
SPEAKER_02:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:And the original place, I I quickly did make accommodations, but again, they were only in my home originally for a month. And again, I was still in police mode thinking, okay, I'm done. But we did get them, you know, comfortable pretty quick for that month. And it was just I mean, just from the get-go, you're dealing with these odd behaviors that I had no idea were trauma-related at the time. And behaviors I didn't understand how to read them. I didn't understand, of course, fully, I still don't, what they've been through, only they know. And trying to also I I couldn't, it was like having toddl overnight.
SPEAKER_03:Except they weren't toddlers.
SPEAKER_00:Except they were not toddlers. No, they were 11 and 12 at the time. 11 and a half and 12 and a half, they're only 11 months apart. And it it was rough. Yes, it was rough, but in a good way. And then they go back. They do. Well, they didn't go back home. Okay. They actually never went back home. There was lots of uh fears during that that it that would happen, but it never did happen. They never stepped foot back in that home. And they went from there, again, they were in my home exactly a month. They went to foster care. We sent them with our phone number, and in about two or three days they called. And slowly we got to know the foster mom. She knew, you know, felt that she could trust us, allowed us to be a part of their life, and ended up they were only about four minutes away from us. So that was nice. And they had it, they it was good there, and then just obviously watching. There was so many emotions during that time because now I'm I'm nobody to them. I'm nobody, the case manager has no obligation to be updating me, or the foster mom has no obligation. They don't know a lot. That's not what I want to talk to them about when I do see them. So there was a lot going on there. Again, I was clueless about behind the scenes as far as foster care, TPR, didn't even know what that meant. You know, constantly I'm like, can you tell me what that means? So fortunately, the foster mom was very patient with me and very kind and did let me stay in their lives, so that was good. And then as it was heading towards TPR, is she was the one who actually reminded them, hey, you've got this family over here that's willing to adopt. But, you know, just even saying that out loud at that time was like, oh, okay. So it was switching during that 10 months, I feel like, is when God gave me, you know, we're pregnant with our children for nine months for a reason. We get to prepare in some ways, not entirely, and certainly not entirely during that 10 months was I prepared, but I do feel like he started to prepare me for you got to get out of police mode. These you're gonna need to be their mom. So as we heard, BioMom had TPR, then in the fall of 2021, dad TPR, and it was like, oh boy, that's when it really became real.
SPEAKER_03:And at that point, they're 13 and 12? 14 and 13?
SPEAKER_00:2021, they would have been just turning 12, uh 13 and 14. 13 and 13. In that yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And so you're gonna do this, I mean, wild 90-degree turn in the future that you saw happening. So quick adjustment, but it's not even a full adjustment. I don't even think you can make a full adjustment that quick, right? Like it's like uh, hey, my life is changing and I'm on I know that it's changing, and I'm saying yes to it changing, but I don't even comprehend what this is what I'm saying yes to. No. Um no comprehension.
SPEAKER_00:No, just realizing these kids are teenagers, yeah. And I can't bear the thought of them staying in foster care and aging out. Like that breaks my heart. So, and being a Jesus follower, I mean, my husband and I kind of looked at each other and we were like, okay, we have been praying about this, but there's really not a lot to pray about. It's right there to take care of widows and orphans, and these kids are now orphans. So that was when we looked at each other and said, Okay, I guess we're doing this. Let's let's start learning about what these behaviors mean and how to love them, because it is going to look very different than our first two.
SPEAKER_03:What you just said, and the way that you just said it is exactly the reason that I love having you in my life. It's exactly the reason, is because it's like it's just matter-of-fact to you. We love Jesus. This is actually here in black and white. These kids need a home. They're orphans now. I guess we're doing it. Like, and if we're gonna do it, we're gonna figure out what this actually means and we're gonna do it as well as we can.
SPEAKER_00:Right. Because I mean, another part of me is if I'm going to do something, I do want to do it well. Yes.
SPEAKER_03:So you exhaust all avenues of resource and like all you you will sniff up every single trail that you think could potentially lead towards a good outcome for your children. Right. Or in whatever area you're doing. You you always have something that nobody else has even heard of because you are tracking down things that are like, hey, let's see what this does. Um for me, and this part might be a little bit tricky in how we talk about it, but for me, the only measure of success that I had as a mom prior to adoption was really how it felt with my biological children. That's the only measure of true, of real attachment, right? Because I did foster care, I think a little bit differently than a lot of other foster parents, and I did it in a kind of a Navy brat way, which is I love you when you're here, and I because I was a Navy brat, and so um, adoption threw me for a loop because attachment changes. And I only had my bio kids to measure what I was calling success against. Right. If if it's okay, do you want to talk about that for a little bit? Because they're not even coming in as babies and toddlers into your home, they're coming in as teenagers that you've built a relationship with, but it's progress is slow at best, uh let's say. And that's just an assumption that I would make talking to any person that's telling me this story.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, it was it was quite a journey, and it still is. I mean, we've we're they came back into my home in June of 21. So we're a little over four years, and I I tell my kids all the time, we've all come a long way. People want to tell them they've come a long way, but we know the truth. Mom has come a long way, dad has come a long way, and so yes, fortunately, I look back and I just see how God already had those relationships in place that I didn't know I was going to need to call and say, please help. Because I did fortunately early on, I realized I can't parent these kids the same way as I did mine. They're not the same. We don't have the same attachment, they're not attached to me, certainly the same way as mine were, and are I'm not attached to them. It's early on.
SPEAKER_03:You in intuitively knew that and could call it, you could recognize that without having like the language of adoption.
SPEAKER_00:I would say now you have to keep in mind I was gifted with knowing about Stacey Mock early on. So I would say within I started going to her before we the adoption was even final because I knew that's where it was headed, and I knew I needed help. I knew that we all needed help. So yes, I would say within either right around the time we actually adopted, which was February of 22, or very shortly after having some sessions with her, I yes, I did realize. I wouldn't say that she said it exactly that way, but as she explained and laid out things about their behaviors, about the lying, about the stealing, about the different things. I would have parented my kids completely different had I seen those behaviors in them. And certainly I hadn't lying, and certainly kids, you know, have stolen things. But she allowed me to see pretty quickly, yes, you can't parent them the same way you did yours because of the attachment issues. And so and that's her specialty. So, yes, it was pretty early on.
SPEAKER_03:That is such a brilliant gift in adoption. I can't even Yeah, I cannot even. I'm like, man, I I was in my own therapy session when our therapist said, like, do you understand that you're holding yourself to superhuman expectations? And I was like, No, how could I, how could I know? Nobody's I've got nothing to compare this to other than how I parent Zoe and Slate.
SPEAKER_00:And you saying that, to me, that's a little different in me realizing I needed to parent them differently, and understanding that in myself. Like I understood earlier on that they're not attached to me the same way my two biologicals were, but I had that same stress on myself to attach to them. Oh, even though Stacy was telling me in so many words, she didn't make it as clear as you. I remember you making that statement, which was earlier this year at one of the retreats.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I was starting to understand that, but when you said it, it brought it to complete clarity of how much pressure I had been putting on myself to attach to them because I wanted it to feel the same. I knew how much they needed that attachment because they had never had it. So yeah, but that was putting, I put a lot of pressure on myself. So it took time for it to sink in that it's okay for you to not feel the same attachment, especially in the beginning. But when you said that, it was like, oh, she said it so clearly where it just clicked, and also I'm not the only one.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Because I honestly thought you had an easier time attaching because you wanted to do it since you were 16, because you had fostered so many tripped me up so many. So many children. Yeah. So maybe that was what made it even easier to understand when you said it. Like, oh, this is a real thing. It's not just a me thing where I'm self-protecting or pushing against attaching. It's the normal thing. I need to give myself a lot more grace in that.
SPEAKER_03:And the way that we hold this like pressure, it's almost like holding our own heads under water.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Right? Like, um, and when I removed that pressure from myself at the like request of our our marriage counselor, I was like, oh, I could breathe. We're feeling freedom in knowing um I'm not responsible for the outcome. Right. I don't get to say how this all turns out. I only get to say how I show up today. Right. And on bad days, that doesn't look good. Like that's not, I'm not showing up in a way that I would give myself an A plus for. Um to be very clear. And on good days, I get to show up in a way that I would give myself an A plus for. But at the end of the day, my grading skill doesn't actually really matter. Removing that burden, but also understanding I'm gonna have a grading skill for myself. And it doesn't matter. Like this isn't passfail. I don't get to choose how this turns out in life. And when you adopt, I think, and there's I have no idea, do not hold me to the next sentence that I'm about to say. But when you adopt multiples, it's all the more opportunity for the outcome to be different. Yeah. For each one. And so then you you're also going, okay, I'm attaching with this one child this way, I'm attaching with this one child this way. I'm experiencing joy and delight with this child over here. I'm experiencing not joy and delight with this child. You know, like it is, it's just so complicated. Oh yeah. Yeah. And across all of that is like minus the hormonal ability to attach that like coats it in attachment and connection. And so we don't even know. Like, we don't even know, like, oh, this cliff is a mile long and it's and it's directly vertical. We're about to go scale it when we say yes to this.
SPEAKER_00:And it's also self-defeating when you put those kind of expectations on them, when you put expectations on yourself, when if I could go everything is so much more relaxed now, not only have they healed a lot, but I give myself so much more grace. Yes. And then what you said is I just have to show up today, but I also know my showing up doesn't always look great. Yes. But I remember during one of our therapy sessions, Grant and I, and I have this verse taped to my mirror, is we do our best to please him. And that's, and then I can leave the rest with him. So I try to show up, not in a way that I now know everything about attachment or know everything about their behaviors or know everything that happened in their first home. I just show up in a way that would please God. That's my goal for the day. And yes, I'm going to give myself a grade for that as well at the end of the day. And sometimes I do better than others, but that's where we're starting to have fun with it, where you know the comment you get. Maybe you're introducing your kids to someone, and the person says, Oh, they're so blessed to have you. So now I just kind of look at mine and wink because they know the real me. Right. Behind the curtain.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_00:They know when mom loses it. Right. When mom throws some words in there she shouldn't throw in there. 100%. But then knowing too, the beauty is in the apology. The beauty is in the repair, and the beauty is in the hug. And all that that does.
SPEAKER_03:And that it's like, you know, committing to the repair. Right. Right? Committing to, and Stacy, again, we're gonna quote like one of our favorite people here. Yes. She's like, you just only have to get it right. Like Yes. It's lower than 50% of the time. Right. It's like 30% is what she says. Yes. Um, Stacy, if we are misquoting you, well, you know, come on the podcast and tell us.
SPEAKER_00:I remember thinking I can make enough for the day and still be okay. Yes.
SPEAKER_03:That's I I was like, oh, huh. Um so it's knowing that, and it's also knowing, like, for me, there's an element in parenting my kids. It's like, we're not gonna actually pretend that your life started normal. Right. We're not gonna pretend, we're not gonna pretend that what we have going on is like just taking that away and going, yeah, we're just gonna talk about it. We're gonna talk about how this happens, we're gonna talk about, we're gonna have casual conversations about this. We're gonna, we're gonna just bring it into our everyday the landscape of our everyday conversations. And in doing that, we create freedom. Right. In doing that, we give, I give you grace and you give me grace. And that turns that like vertical mile-long steep climb almost kind of into like more of a gradual plateau that's leading towards a direction, hopefully in the future, that's good, but not it's not as exhausting. Right, right.
SPEAKER_00:Definitely, you know, I looked at one of mine maybe about six months ago. And this this one is really struggles with anxiety. And so if I get the least bit tense, they sense it. And we were sitting out by the fire, and I looked over and I said, you know, Stacy is the number one thing that has kept me from killing you. And we both laughed. Normally, he would have looked at me like, oh my goodness, what what does that mean? Uh-huh. Normally, so but we actually laughed, and so that was so life-giving to be able to laugh about that together. And that is what it looks like. I I've just been so reminded over and over and over and over how Jesus heals in the midst of the mess that it is not all on my shoulders or my husband's shoulders or which therapist we go to, even though those are all God sends and great resources. Everything that we've done for them has been very healing and very rewarding to see, but knowing it's him, it's him doing it. And I just have to show up and keep showing up and keep repairing on the bad days. And those repairs look more and more beautiful. We had one the other night. And even though I was sad the repair had to happen, I realized as I was going to bed how much sweeter the repair is now, how much more genuine.
SPEAKER_03:Because it's trustworthy.
SPEAKER_00:Right. That's a great word.
SPEAKER_03:Mm-hmm. I love that. Okay. What, and this might be a hard question. I feel like I promised you at the beginning of this it would be like it would be really easy, and I'm about to ask a hard question. So forgive me. But I did just get out of therapy, so I'm not that sorry. What four years, five years into knowing them and being involved in their story, and three years into adopting them, what about you has changed?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's a packed question. I look back and I, a friend of mine, we were just discussing this a few days ago, saying how adopting has made us better parents. But I know it also goes so much deeper than that. It's definitely making me more Christ-like. Because in every relationship, you now, whether it's the guy road raging on the, you don't know. Now you now my mind more readily goes to what has he been through? What's his day look like? What does his childhood look like? And I think about even just different people I ran into, and realizing that could be one of mine that I've adopted now, had things not intersected, and Lord willing, it will be a different, very different path for them now. But just having a lot more sympathy for people, a little easier to see past the hurt that they bring to the relationship, and trying to love them regardless, because that is a lot of what you do in the adoption, especially when you're adopting teenagers that have been through so much, is learning to look past that behavior that's right in front of your face and understand it. And so inevitably that bleeds over to other people. There's so many what things I've learned. I've learned to trust God more. I've learned it's not on me what I say, what I don't say, what therapy I send them to. I I truly do try to rest and trusting him, and that is such a much better place of peace than trying to do it all right. And again, with me having such a short window, I remember in the beginning feeling almost a sense of anxiety myself that my oldest is gonna be 18 and for less than four years. I've because I remember thinking that with my first two, my biological, I only have so much time. What do I want to instill in them? What do I want to teach them? And now it's that on steroids.
SPEAKER_03:I mean, for sure, right? Like when my oldest started high school, I was very aware of the ticking clock. Right. And now I'm even more extremely aware of her ticking clock. And I have parented her since birth. I everything I've done has been leading towards these teen years, and the payoff is fantastic. But you're doing all of the parenting or the pressure, let's say it like that. The pressure is to do all of the parenting that you would have done for your older two kids now in this small window of time. Right. And it's not like which just creates a pressure cooker.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yes, creates a pressure cooker. And you have these kids are behind in every way, physically, mentally, educationally, emotionally, attachment-wise. I mean, I'm I'm teaching them how to bathe, how to brush their teeth, all of the proper hygiene things, along with how to act in public, along with what you wear, what you don't wear, you know, what you say, what you don't say. And that's that's just getting to the basics. You don't even realize what all you teach your kids as they're growing. What to do, what not to do, what to mess with, what not to put in their pocket, what you know, no, don't no, you're actually not a part of that family over there. I know we're in line with them, but we're over here. This is your family over here. No, actually, I you can't wander off in the museum where I don't know where you're at your app for I'm looking for you for an hour. Oh my god. So just all of these, it's you know, and I I was told by our by Stacy that you you got like emotionally two to three year olds is what you got. And just learning how all of that works, and then trying to well, let's let's build the character. Like, oh, when is that gonna come in? How do I, you know, how do I teach you how to drive? How do I teach you how to have a good work ethic? You know, when I'm over here trying to get you to brush your teeth every night, right? So, yes, it very much felt like a pressure cooker.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And I think for a while, probably people didn't want to be around me.
SPEAKER_03:Because why would you ever say that? Well, like from your like life before adoption, or you've built a community now.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, I don't mean my community. My community was my life giver of being able to be real and be open and just like verbally vomit and explain everything that was going on. And you guys get it. But yes, my friends that I had before, my family before, I wanted them to understand how hard it was. But slowly over time, I realized they don't have to know everything of how hard it is to still come alongside and help. And they're just not going to. It's like things that they're walking out that I'm never gonna know unless I'm in their shoes. They're not gonna understand this unless they actually live it out. Some of it I tell them, because if they're gonna go hang out with them, I want them to kind of help me with some behaviors and understand other behaviors to give them grace. So, but yes, over time now. Let's see, we are from the time I first first got involved, this this December will be six years. And I I would say all the time about my biological kids, I would tell people it's the best thing and the hardest thing, all wrapped up to one in one. And I would say that now, in the last six months, I can say that now that it is the best thing and the hardest thing all wrapped up in one, but it is on a whole nother level. But the reward is on a whole nother level. When you start to see them attach and they get dropped off at camp and actually miss you or give you a really big hug or share something hard with you, the reward is incredible.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Input equals output, right? Yes.
SPEAKER_00:And so not that we're not seeing that trust grow is beautiful. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:The rewards are unlike anything else. Right. And they make it to where like, because they don't happen very often. Right. And so and but but they're so profound and so powerful that they really can hold for a long time. Right. I remember texting in our um in our group chat that with this one kid, I wish that I had one negative interaction with her that was covered by connection. Do you remember that text? Because your response was so beautiful. Um and and I was just like, I mean, I was so I A, I was being so vulnerable with my heart for that relationship, right? Because it's that's really when connection for me becomes so important, is when there's a lot of negative things happening. I rely heavily on connection and my attachment with the people in my life that are like that, right? And so to have all of this negative and not the connection was like, yeah, this would be so nice. And that's, I mean, months ago, months and months ago now that I texted that. And and we have now had an interaction that was covered by connection. And I was like, this is it, this is what this feels like. And the reward was so, so good. Um, and again, we need the reward to be that good because yes, yes, it's a requirement. But um, what has surprised you the most?
SPEAKER_00:That's a tough one. I would say twofold. So we'll use a good and a bad. The bad that has surprised me the most is how deep those wounds are. And I don't want to get emotional. But they are really deep, and they take a lot more time than I thought. I don't want to say to undo that, but to begin to rewire that. And the other is how beautiful the attachment is now beginning to look. That we are laughing together, talking together, communicating just everyday things in their life that they didn't they they literally shared nothing in the beginning, understandably so. So just sometimes sitting there, even in the car or something, and realize this one particular child is just been talking ever since they got in the car. And I can remember in the beginning being so frustrated by the silence. Oh, you've had a whole plan for the silence.
SPEAKER_03:You're I mean, you and I have talked about like, all right, well, because it's gonna be silent, Stacy told me to get in the car.
SPEAKER_00:Like, you know, yes, she did not give me that plan early on enough, but I have implemented that for a good while now.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, and so and and took the pressure off. Yes, right?
SPEAKER_00:Took the pressure off.
SPEAKER_03:Right. Like this is the thing that I'm more and more finding myself drawn to is my willingness to immediately apply pressure because I want good and best. Yeah. And I want, I want John 1010. I want abundant life. I want this like, and there's this like drive in me for it. And to go, okay, breathe, take the pressure off, put my podcast on. Yes. I can enjoy this car ride no matter what actually happens. Right. Right. My ability to enjoy the the car ride, and I'm talking as you right now, because that's safer than me talking about me if I'm being is is my ability to enjoy this car ride is not actually dependent on the other people in this car. Right. I can have a plan for how I'm gonna enjoy the car ride. And then whether they want to engage or not engage, great or not, like whatever. Fine by me. I get to listen to my podcast, or we get to have a conversation. I win both ways. Right. Right. And it's like setting yourself up for success like that takes it just releases the valve of the pressure cooker. And I find myself looking for more and more ways to do that in my life that doesn't actually compromise the integrity of who I am and what I want out of life. Right. And that's that can feel like a dance sometimes.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, for sure. And understanding that the healing is going on even during the podcast. Yeah. Because your show you showed up. You showed up on time to pick them up from school. You asked them how their day was. You may in the beginning, maybe it may have been it was good. And that's what it was every day for months. It was good. Great. And realizing, again, thank you, Stacy, is that's enough for them. Yeah. That was another really hard thing for me to get. I wanted it again to look like, feel like, be like it was with my first two. And just like you parent, if you have two, three, four biological children, how you parent them, how you attach to them is is going to look a little different. It's gonna be totally different. Different kids do different things. Hello, Mary. Why wouldn't it look different with your adopted children that are teenagers when you get them? Right.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. I had this picture when you were talking of um a couple, a couple thoughts ago of like comparing this a little bit, and my mind just works in pictures, so go with me here. But like comparing this to you adoption being like a car crash in your life, right? Like kind of coming like inner that intersection, like you just like it stops you right in your tracks, and your life is forever different on the other side. And like coming up to the scene and going, like, okay, there's carnage over here. There's life where there shouldn't be life over here. There's this, like, I I just kind of saw you as a police officer coming up onto the scene and going, um, all right, adoption intersected my life, and you know what, it didn't, it didn't end it. And in fact, there's beauty here.
SPEAKER_00:Well, as you're talking, it leads me to this with you having the podcast, or even but I think probably most with you having the podcast, I I knew like you're wanting some of the Haven moms like that, you want us to come on and tell our stories to help other people. But I remember thinking it's not time. Again, probably in the last six months, it's been where you've gone through the carnage and now starting to see the healing, the beauty be able to talk from a place of this was definitely worth it.
SPEAKER_03:Which leads me to the last question that I was gonna ask you is if you could rewind time. I'm setting you up for an easy win. If you could rewind time and do it all over again, would you?
SPEAKER_00:Yes. I've asked myself that all along the way, and it's always been yes. But it's becoming an easier yes. Yes, absolutely. I I tell people if it's someone that I do share some of the harder things with or the harder moments, I always say Jesus is worth it, and so are they. So yes, absolutely yes, because we've all grown. And that was a huge part of saying yes in the beginning. But now he's showing me the beauty of why he wanted me to say yes. And I feel like it's just gonna continue. Not that obviously there won't be hard moments, but that's all parenting is, even when they're grown, yeah, of course. But that is just a really sweet place to be. It's a really good place of peace to constantly try and keep my gaze on him, parent the way he wants me to that day, and even if I don't to know I was there for them, the repair was there, his mercies are new every morning.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And it's now just becoming I I have a grandson, and I was telling my husband last night as we're watching my two that are still in the home, I adopted two, and my grandson play. I said, he doesn't know anything different.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:They've always been there.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And that's just really sweet to see it through his eyes.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I love that. I was telling somebody something one time that what how you were just talking is this like literal definition of this, right? That we get to see the kingdom of heaven in our homes in a way that is not really accessible outside that I ever experienced before foster care and adoption. That I get a front row seat to the kingdom of heaven being played out inside of my house. And it's that it's not just the things that are happening, the healing that's happening or the restoration that's happening with the kids. It's also I'm seeing you get to see it, I get to see it in that his mercies are new every morning. We're learning to trust him more because we have to trust him more, because we like we we're not responsible for the outcome, releasing the control of that. We is an idea, it's a like figment of our imagination, anyways, right? And just coming more and more in line with what is actually true and good in this world. And it's um adoption is a shortcut to the yes, slices through a whole lot of a whole lot of everything else. So on that note, at the end of every podcast, we do lightning rounds. So three questions, answer as fast as you can. I'll try not to interrupt. You ready? I'm ready. What's on your nightstand?
SPEAKER_00:I have some AirPods, a candle, a Bible. It it is my stack of books that are in the queue. It's not where the one that I'm currently reading sits, but it's my queue. Does the one that you're currently reading sit by your chair?
SPEAKER_03:It moves all over. Oh, it goes with you. Yes. Okay. Um, what books or podcasts are you enjoying right now?
SPEAKER_00:I am currently, I got sidetracked. You got me that one for the first punch. Uh-huh. And I got through about the first chapter and got sidetracked with another book. And the teens and yes. Okay. Managing media creating character, yes. And podcasts, I'm all over on my podcast. Uh people will send me stuff and I listen to it. I'll listen, I like listen to right now. I am listening to Brave Parenting, which is from the Managing Media Creating Character.
SPEAKER_02:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:So highly recommend that. I like the Bama podcast, and it's like I get on one for a while and then I switch and go to a different one. And then we have a couple that the kids listen to. I have one that my grandson listens to. So I'm all over the place with podcasts. You do a lot of them though, it sounds like. Well, yes. Okay. We were just talking about the when there's no conversation in the car. Yes. Yes. Okay. And now we have more conversation, but we still have podcasts and lots of appointments. So I'm without them and with them. So I'm driving all around Jacksonville.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. And then the last question is what is bringing you joy right now?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, what's bringing me joy? What's bringing me joy is my grandson. What's bringing me joy is to feel like I can breathe. And just kind of sit back and watch what God is doing in spite of me. Not that I'm completely absent from being involved in the things that He has for me to do, but just like you said a minute ago, releasing that idol of control and just watching. Watching them develop and everybody. I mean, everybody in my family. Everybody's in such different places. And so yeah, just feeling like it's not all on my shoulders and just enjoying all of my people right where they're at and getting better at doing that.
SPEAKER_03:That's a fantastic answer. And also you called it an idol of control. And I immediately was like, that's a whole nother podcast. But on that note, thanks so much for being here, Mary. It's been a real um it's been real good to have you on the podcast. Thank you. I very much enjoyed it.