Behind the Curtain: Honest Conversations about Foster Care and Adoption

Rebecca Unedited: How A 1% Shift Can Rebuild Peace And Connection

• Rebecca Harvin • Season 3 • Episode 6

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If you're a foster parent or adoptive parent who wants to build a life that you recognize at 80. Or, if resolutions leave you burned out by February, you’re not broken—you’re using the wrong tool. Rebecca opens the door to a gentler, smarter approach to change: a clear year-end review, a vision board that serves as a compass, and one tiny 1% shift that you can actually do every day. No overhauls. No shame. Just practical steps that compound into a life you recognize and want to live.

We walk through how to audit last year with honesty—what worked, what didn’t, and which relationships need new attention—and then translate those insights into a vision board placed where you’ll see it in real life. From there, we anchor the smallest possible action to an existing routine, a method known as habit stacking. Rebecca shares a vulnerable, hopeful story of rebuilding connection with an adopted child through micro-habits: reading a grounding line by the sink, recalling one good moment, and adding a brief hallway ritual. Over months, those tiny cues rewired attention, softened defense, and made connection feel natural again.

This conversation also explores choosing peace as a north star for the year and making it visible in daily life—even through something as simple as one consistent nail color that quietly reminds you to ask, "What’s in my control right now?" Whether you’re navigating foster care, adoption, or just craving steadier rhythms at home, you’ll get practical, repeatable steps to move forward without the self-sabotage cycle of grand promises.

Join us as we trade brittle resolutions for durable habits and build lives with intention, not accident. If this resonated, subscribe, share with a friend who needs a gentler path to change, and leave a quick review so others can find the show. Then tell us: what’s your 1% this week?

Email sara@havenretreatsinc.org for more information about the upcoming Mom's Retreat.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hey guys, thanks so much for joining me today on Behind the Curtain. I'm your host, Rebecca Harvin, and this is where we have honest conversations about foster care and adoption. Today we're going to do a Rebecca unedited podcast where it is just you and me and a microphone. And I want to start by saying Happy New Year. I hope that the holidays treated you well, that you are moderately recovered from the mayhem of December, and that you have regained some semblance of rhythm and routine that feels helpful. And while I'm at it and wishing that for you, I kind of hope that by the time this airs, that I will have also found that rhythm and routine myself. I am recording this in that very liminal space between Christmas and New Year's. Brad is working from home this morning so that I could sneak into the office because it is quiet here. I'm here by myself. I was able to clean a little bit. I'm wearing my sweatpants. It is, I don't know what day of the week it is, what date of the month it is. And also what I love so much about this week, aside from those things, right? Aside from like sneaking away and getting quiet and wearing sweatpants constantly, um, is that this is the week where I pull away and I start thinking about last year and next year. Um and that is kind of what I want to talk to you about today. So um I want to talk about starting a new year well by ending the previous one well. And I know, I know, I know, I know that your social media accounts are packed right now with advice from every single stranger on the internet telling you how to set and keep a new year's resolution. And it just cracks me up, right? Like, because the science behind New Year's resolutions um leads me to the next question, which is how's that working out for you? How's how did your New Year's resolutions from last year go? And were you like the vast majority of Americans who have a New Year's resolution and by the end of January, you're already off the wagon? Um I stopped doing resolutions. Gosh, um in my mid 20s, I stopped doing them. Um because I would have some like, oh, you know, I what are the common ones? Like, I'm gonna lose 10 pounds, or I'm gonna start going to the gym every single day, or I'm going to um run a marathon by the end of this year. Never mind the fact that I've never run a mile in my entire life, or things like that, right? Those are those would be my kind of um my kind of resolution. But I realized that um I never did them. And um, because I never really did them, then I felt like a failure. And then once I felt like a failure, then I got stuck in this like wallowing in shame. But I have a weird relationship with shame, and so I never actually really talked about it. And um, I just kind of created these identities of how I never like follow through and blah, blah, blah. It wasn't healthy, is the point is my point. Um, I did, however, make it to where if I could think of a fun one, then I would do like one year, I um my resolution was to buy a new coffee cup once a month, as long as it was pretty. Um, because I love coffee. Anyhow, it doesn't matter. My point is that in my 30s, something changed. Um my early to mid-30s, something changed here. And um, a decade later, I have experimented with this enough that I know that it works. And so that is why I wanted to come right now and talk to you about this here in the in the beginning of this year, is because there are two intentional things that I do that genuinely and truly affect the direction that my life is going in. And when I look a decade ago and I look at when I started this versus where I am now and all of the things along the way, I can honestly tell you that I am building a life that I want to be living in. Um that doesn't mean that it's always wonderful. It doesn't mean that it always goes the way that I want it to go. It doesn't mean anything like that, but it means that I'm showing up with intention in my life. And when I get to that picture that I have in my head of the 80-year-old woman on a rocking chair on a front porch, I'm not gonna wonder what happened to my life because I was part of building it. Um okay. So the first thing that I do at the beginning of every year, and really when I say that, what I mean is at the very end of the year before is that I create a vision board for the following year. Um and this is why I love the week between Christmas and New Year so much. It's because this is when I sneak away and I think through the year. What worked? What didn't work? What were the moments this year where I was really proud of myself? What were the moments this year that I wish I'd shown up differently? And guys, I can for both of those, um, I could name five things off the top of my head right there. Uh, did everything on last year's vision board happen? If it did, great. What was what worked really well? Were there things on their vision board that need to stay there for this coming year? Are there broader goals that I have that I'm that I'm taking chunks of one at a time? What trips worked? How did travel fit into my life in the previous year? Was it too much? Was it too little? Where do I want to go next year? What kind of adventures do I want to have? Um, and then this is the big one. What is the state of the relationships in my life? Um, each one individually. The ones that are working really well at the moment? Is there any particular reason that they're working really well? How am I showing up in those relationships? What feels different inside of my body when I'm interacting in that relationship? What about the ones that aren't doing well? Is there something that I could shift to show up more intentionally in that relationship? Um, I ask all of these questions and more. Like for me, once questions start, they just kind of keep rolling, right? And even on a year that's like 2025, and um, it's no secret by now that 2025 was categorically horrible for me. Um, I still ask these questions because they show me things that I didn't see when I'm just looking at the overall feeling of 2025, which the overall feeling of 2025 was a country song, right? Um, but if I look at these moments individually, I can say, oh, Rebecca, that that conversation that that you were waiting five years to have, you didn't disassociate one time. You stayed in your body. You've been working on staying in your body for years, for literally five years. You've been trying to learn how to stay in your body and not disassociate. And you you maintained that in this really hard conversation for 45 minutes. You stayed in your body. Like, guys, I could explode with pride when I think of that. Um, and that's important because it was this really hard thing in 2025, but I was so proud of the way that I showed up. And I need to, I need to know that because I want more of that in 2026. I want more of that Rebecca that showed up that day. Um I've I've heard it said a couple of times, I've seen this a couple times on social media. Um, I don't I don't particularly buy into this wholesale, um, but they're talking about how like 2025 is the Chinese year of the snake, and it's a lot of shedding. And I know for me that that was true this year, that I could absolutely define 2025 as a year of shedding. And I got to experience the um that new skin underneath, the new ways that I was showing up. The fall was anyhow. I don't want to go into that today. I want to talk to you guys about how to do this. So, okay, that's step one. Get curious. Also, fun little caveat. That's what it feels like to be in conversation with me, where I start talking about something and then make a quick decision and a left turn. So I hope you're still with me because we're gonna talk about step two now. Step two is to take that general outline, and then you're gonna pick something that is entirely in your control, and you are going to make one tiny, teensy tiny, spectacularly small change in that direction. You are going to make a 1% shift in the direction that you want to go with your life. This right here, that sentence that I just said, this is where the magic happens, you guys. And it is where I get really excited every single time. Because a decade into doing this, I can tell you with certainty that a 1% shift in the direction that you want to go, done consistently over time, will change the trajectory of your life. It will, I promise you, 1% done consistently over time will change the trajectory of your life. Um, I cannot go a step further without telling you that this concept and the language around it is not mine. My life and my decade of experience with this and all of the different ways I have experimented, that is mine. But the concept and the language I got directly from a guy named James Clear, and it's from his book Atomic Habits. So if you haven't read that, I cannot recommend it enough. Um, but just pin that information and get it on Kindle or Audiobook or Amazon, I don't care where you get it, your local independent bookstore, and read Atomic Habits. Um, at the beginning of every retreat, I stand in front of a room full of people and I tell them that the goal for this weekend is not to fix their family. We cannot do that in one foul swoop, right? Like it's impossible. The goal for this year is not to fix your family. Instead, the goal is to identify a 1% shift in the direction of health and then find a way to create habit stacking around it so that you do it. So, what's habit stacking? I'm so glad that you asked. Um, habit stacking is taking something that you already do and adding this 1% shift to it. Okay, so for example, I brush my teeth every single morning and every single night. You're welcome. Um, habit stacking is that my vision board is on the wall right beside my bathroom sink. So every single time that I'm brushing my teeth, I'm studying my vision board, right? Habit stacking is if you were gonna think about like, okay, I want to say something, I'm working on a relationship with somebody in my life, and when I buckle my seatbelt in the car, I'm going to say or think something kind about this person. That's habit stacking. I'm already buckling my seatbelt. So that habit then triggers the new habit, the 1% shift, right? I'm already brushing my teeth every single morning, every single night. So that habit triggers, I turn to my right and I study my vision board while I'm brushing my teeth. So every single morning and every single night, I'm looking at pictures, words, images, all kinds of things that I've put together. Um, and I'm reading things like when people see us, they'll see smiling faces, a life worth living, and hope. I'm reading a mission statement from Magnolia Holmes about what um a family and a home is and the way that it, the way that it exists in your life and the soft place to land. Or I'm reading um a part of an ad that I cut out of a magazine that says adoption, best decision ever. That's it. Literally, that's it. I hold myself at the beginning of this one percent to no other obligation other than to read it. When I put when I made that, when I put adoption, best decision ever on that board a year ago, um, I didn't I didn't buy that wholesale. Uh it's no secret that that my journey in adoption has not been like very straightforward um attachment-wise, right? And there was a lot of ways that I was struggling with this whole concept. And I was like, I need, I want to believe this. So I put it there. And the only the one percent is to read it. That's it. It's not to believe it, it's not to agree, it's just to read it. Adoption, best decision ever. Considering the idea. It's a 1% shift. So here's the beauty of the 1% is that when it's done consistently, eventually, 1% becomes part of your normal life, and you're ready to add another 1%. And this is where we now we get compounded effects, right? So my next 1% was that when I brush my teeth, I read that line, adoption, best decision ever. And I think of the child that I've struggled connecting with the most, and I remind myself of a good moment we've had together. Because when I'm thinking about connection, my brain will pick up all of the ways that it's a struggle. But there are moments, just like in 2025, there are moments of pure joy. There are moments in 2025 of absolute wins. And if I look at 2025 from that lens, I can look at it as this beautiful shedding of skin to make new way for new new things, right? Behold, I'm doing a new thing. Do you not see it? Can you not perceive it? And so my 1% became um moments, thoughts. We had a good day, we had a good moment, dinner was good, whatever. Um, when that felt normal, I added another one percent. The next moment of the next one percent was a moment of gentle connection. So when I see them in the hallway, I'm going to ruffle their hair, make direct eye contact and smile, which is kind of a three-part thing, and that might not feel like 1%, but but those all work together, right? So the trigger is when I'm walking down the hallway and they're walking down the hallway, I'm going to ruffle their hair really quick, make direct eye contact and smile. That costs me very little, but that action alone was very foreign in our relationship. So do you see how they build on each other? Like just considering this thought led to considering this child, led to thinking of good things about that child, led to wanting to connect with them. But it didn't happen all at once. It it built on each other in a way that by the time that I was ready for that third 1%, I had the rhythm and the routine and the muscle memory to make it happen. So, this particular example, I started, like I said, with last year's vision board, I started this in January. By September, so nine months later, I wanted to spend time with this child. That gosh, it shocked everybody around. Me, the our therapist, our like family therapist, um in such a delight. It has been one of the joys of my year this year, that connection with this kid um feels easier. I realize that you might be listening to this and that you maybe um never struggle with connecting to one of your kids. And I mean this so sincerely that I love that for you. I love that for you so, so much. Um, but I have, and I do. And I know that you might also be listening to this thinking that connecting with your kids is borderline impossible. Um, that in adoption and in foster care, that we run the gamut, that there are people on both ends of the spectrum, and I'm here to say that um it's okay and it's great, it's it's working something out in you. If connection is easy, wonderful. And if connection is hard, uh don't hate me when I say it, but wonderful. Because there's growth here, there's opportunity for healing here. Um and I want to tell you that a 1% shift in the direction of that healthy relationship that you dream of is possible. I don't know if the whole thing is yet, but I do know that 1% is. You know what I mean? I know that what's in your control is in your control, and that you get to show up in your life the way that you want to. It just takes a little bit of intention, and it takes, it really takes habit stacking, is really where this magic happens. Habit stacking is the way that you get this stuff done. It's not this constant overhaul of your life, it's this little tiny shift. And you make these little shifts one after the other, and you get there. Um okay. So now you get to see the inner workings of my brain here. Okay. So I've got like one example, um, and then we're gonna be done for today. And um, I wrote in a blog recently, it just came out in this week between Christmas and New Year's, about how um I want 2026 to be marked by the word boring. Um, you know how everybody like has like a word for the year, and they're like, my word for 2026 is gonna be gratitude, or it's gonna be adventure, or it's gonna be whatever. I want boring. Uh 2025 had so many life updates, not in a good way, that I am like, I need no life updates. I need no life updates. When somebody says, like, hey, how was Thanksgiving? I don't want to be like, uh, my dog almost died. When somebody says, how was Easter? I don't want to be like, I don't know. I think whatever. Okay. Um, I can't like expose my whole family. This is always like, I want to talk to you guys honestly and openly and at the same time, I don't want to expose um my family and the very real pain that we have experienced this year. But um I want 2026 to be boring. I decided that after Thanksgiving, when my dog um almost died, I was like, I'm done. I'm so done. Okay. Um, I don't want it to be boring in the sense that like I'm sitting at home and like twiddling my thumbs because I would lose my mind, right? Like I would create chaos just to have something to do. But I definitely want it to be boring in the sense of like I only want um mediocre or like good updates. Will it happen? No, but a girl can dream. A girl can dream. Um and when I first started talking about this, I would say that like a girl can dream. Um, but the more that I thought about it, the more that I wanted it. Um, and so maybe instead of boring, like we could use the word peaceful. Um, A, that's probably more socially acceptable. And um B, I want peaceful. Peaceful is gonna be at the top of my vision board for 2026. I want peace. I want it internally and I want it externally. The thing when I was just talking about like that that day when I was in the middle of that really hard conversation, that for five years I did not know what or how I was going to respond when that conversation finally happened. And when it did, the thing that I felt more than anything was internal peace. I felt agency, I felt grounded. That that moment, that version of me, I want more of that girl. Um, I want a peaceful um house. And I know that that sounds like a pipe dream in a family with six kids and and you know all kinds of things. But can I get closer? Can I get one percent closer to peace? Is one percent closer to peace within my control? Yes, absolutely. Um so when I sit down and I do my vision board, that's gonna be on it. Peace at the top, right? I also for the first time, guys, I cannot um I can't believe I'm sharing this. I'm gonna share this for the first time ever on a vision board, I have pictures of myself because there are moments in 2025 where I showed up so clearly the version that God created that I am putting my own self on my vision board. I'm putting those moments on my vision board to look at and to remind me that girl, she exists. Um, anyhow, okay, side note, that's it's a fun little tidbit. I can't believe that I get to do that, honestly. Um the month of December, I want boring, is like ruminating in my brain. It's marinating and I move it to peace. I want peace, I want boring, blah, blah, blah. And um, I didn't really have anything else. Thinking is always the first step for me, right? So then my daughter and I, my oldest daughter and I went to go get our nails done for Christmas. Um, but it was so close to Christmas that it was also gonna be New Year's nails. So, do we get like a red manicure? I had just had a red manicure. It was really fun, it was very bright, it was very bold, but is red really new year? Blah, blah, blah, all these things. Do I get like a French tip with some like fireworks? Do I get like some snowflakes? Do I get a fun design? And then it hit me right there in that moment when I'm thinking about nails. My 1%. I get boring. I get the most boring, peaceful color that I can find that doesn't give me an anxiety attack because it's too neutral. I pick OPI number 96, a color that is called loving the bear. That is my first 1%. I'm gonna get this color every single time that I get my nails done this year. It's going to be boring. And every single time that I see my nails, I'm going to know that my goal is peace. 1%. Do you see how easy that is? It's nothing. It's a it's a nail color. It's one less decision that I'll make all year long. But that 1% is just the first 1%. I'll stack more and more and more until at the end of the year, I'll look back and I will say, yep. 2026 was the year that I moved towards peace internally and externally. And I can show you step by step how I did that every day moving towards that goal. Because 1% done consistently over time will change the trajectory of your life. And it's that simple. It's that simple. Number 96 is gonna be my nail color this year. I've never done something like this before. But I promise you that in June, when I'm flagging, when I'm like, this isn't peaceful at all, blah, blah, blah. I will look down at my nails and I'll say, what is within your control? How can you add peace to your life today? That's what that one person is gonna give me. Okay, so now I want you to go and do the same thing. I want you, first of all, I want you to know the direction that you want your life to go in. I want you to find your one percent, and then I want you to name it. And then, and this is just fun for me, and I know it maybe adds a little bit to your plate, but um, would you let me know what it is? I love this stuff, guys. Like I love this stuff so much, I cannot even tell you. Um, would you find us on social media on Instagram? We're uh behind the curtain.pod, and um find the post about this episode and comment and let us know what your 1% is. Um, if you don't already, go ahead and like like and follow the Instagram um account. But um the other thing that you could do is you could email me at Rebecca at havenretreatsinc.org and tell me. Um, I want to cheer you on as you build the life that you want. I want to encourage you, I want to check in with you. Um so that's Rebecca, R-E-B-E-C-C-A at Haven Retreats with an S I N C dot org. Tell me your one percent. Okay, happy new year, happy one percent. I've got a couple blog articles coming out about this whole thing. Um, so keep an eye out for that. And um good luck, guys. Let's move confidently in the direction that we want our lives to go. Talk to you soon.