Cayela Moody: Embracing Special Needs Foster Parenting

What if the life you built at the “resort”—easy routines, familiar friends, and tidy plans—suddenly moved you to a private island? That’s how Cayela Moody describes the shift foster care and special needs adoption brought to her family of ten. Together we trace her path from an autism diagnosis that shattered assumptions to a calling that turned hard-won advocacy into a lifeline for kids others often overlook.

Cayela opens up about losing herself in constant service, then choosing to re-center around home when two newly adopted children needed every inch of her attention. She and her husband forged a strategy they call “parenting small,” where each child still gets the presence, activities, and advocacy they’d receive in a smaller family. We talk about late-night teen talks, the quiet math of limited energy, and why visible needs can make your community step back—leaving families to cultivate their own thriving island.

We also get uncomfortably honest about the system. With nearly half of new foster parents quitting within a year, we argue for a braver PRIDE class: one that names the real social costs, the impact on marriage, and the identity shifts before families hit the wall. Yet joy keeps showing up. Cayela shares how watching her husband scoop up a small son with Down Syndrome made her fall in love again, how her teens grew staggeringly compassionate, and how faith turned valleys into classrooms where redemption is only a matter of time.

This conversation blends practical insight with lived grit: choosing kids with developmental diagnoses over unpredictable behaviors, building routines that actually work, and laughing at the small hacks—like reusing Starbucks cups—that keep mornings moving. If you’ve ever wondered how to love well when the world gets smaller, or how to hold both grief and delight without breaking, this story will meet you there.

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Transcript

Opening And Kayla’s Background

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey guys, thanks so much for joining us today on Behind the Curtain. I'm your host, Rebecca Harvin, and this is where we have honest conversations about foster care and adoption. My guest on the show today is my friend Kayla Moody. We met through the foster and adoptive circles here in Jacksonville and have become good friends over the years. She was a foster mom for five years and has adopted four children, three of which have special needs. So today we are going to talk about the special need aspect within the foster and adoptive community and also how social isolation plays into life as a foster and adoptive mom. So without any further ado, here is my conversation with Kayla. Kayla, thank you. Thank you, thank you for coming on this podcast. I am glad that you are ready for it now.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

Yes. It has taken some time in the journey to just be able to mentally, you know, understand. And we did foster care for five years, but you know, we've been in this for eight years now. And there that included adoption and foster care and a lot of ministry and a lot of loving on other people. And um, and it left very little time for myself, you know, in that. And so it at the end of it came some regrouping and some processing and trying to figure things out, and that's where we're here today.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

Yeah, it left very little time for you to process as you went. Yeah. There was definitely an element for you of pouring out so much and to such a great extent that at the end of the day, it was like, where's Kayla? Yeah. I mean, I don't know if we want to start there. Yeah, I mean, but but that is as a friend. Like that's what I saw and experienced was you pouring out and pouring out and pouring out and like the little engine that could.

Pouring Out And Losing Yourself

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Yeah. And it, you know, it was a beautiful experience for as long as I could do it for, right? And but then I think what really pushed me was when we adopted our last two, and they both, you know, have some special needs. And um, and so at that point it was like, okay, like at home requires every inch of that I have. And, you know, unfortunately in this season, that ministry will be within these four walls. And that isn't that doesn't take away from the fact that, you know, ministry isn't happening outside. It's just all happening inside for now. And that's a beautiful thing too.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Um, yeah, it's I mean, it's Mother Teresa said, like, if you want to change the world, go home and love your family. I think about that a lot. Both of us are um externally motivated people, right? We see a need, we meet a need, and um it has been a reckoning. There has had to be a reckoning for me of the people inside of my house need as much of me as I can give them, and that leaves not a ton externally.

Adopting Kids With Special Needs

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Yeah. And you know, I think that there's I I think for me, and I in part of untangling this, you know, over the last year, was that who I had become was this servant that did these things and was always focusing on others. And and that's a good thing until it becomes a part of your identity in a way. And that's not actually who I am, right? Like it, that's not chief high level who I am. Like ultimately, you know, I'm I'm the daughter of of Jesus and I'm a wife and I'm a mother, and you know, and from those things I can pour into others. But I feel like being a foster mom and serving others, you know, that that was really becoming so much of my identity that I lost a little sight of who I truly am. And um, and that was a hard thing to kind of step away from because that's who people know me as. But um man, I love where I'm at in this moment, and I have so much fun with my family. And, you know, I think that that's a misconception that motherhood isn't enough. It it is more than enough. Um, some of that too is understanding I, you know, I have a 17-year-old, I have an 18-year-old, and so I I think some of it was the timing too. Yeah. I'm running out of time, like it is getting very short, and then I have an almost 15-year-old. Like, I want to be with these people as much as I possibly can.

SPEAKER_02 4:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Because I I'm not going to be able to do that for much longer.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

So Yeah, I'm seeing this a lot in friends our age who have kids the same age, like we have kids in the same um age bracket. I'm seeing it so much of people going, Oh, I have three years, I have two years left. I have to stop all of this extra stuff that's happening because I have to be able to pour into my kids when they're home, when I'm around. And you know, with teenagers, that means from the hours of like 10 to 11:30 p.m. when we're um we're exhausted. I was just at dinner last night telling um we were talking about this. Like it's 10:30 when the teenagers come into the room, and you still have to have energy then because that's when they're actually gonna talk.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

And so you have to be able to pace yourself through the day, even though I also have a five-year-old that's gonna wake up at six o'clock in the morning and it's you know, doing those two different sides. But um, let's let's step back for just a second. You have an incredible reason that you got into foster care to start with, and um, everybody has different reasons. Yours is one of my favorite, um, because life took a turn for you well before foster care ever came into the picture. So, can you talk a little bit about that? Can you tell us how you like your motivation for jumping into this crazy world to begin with?

Teens, Timing, And Being Present

Why We Entered Foster Care

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Yeah. So um we had four children in five years, and my husband and I had this amazing dream. Still is amazing. It's never going to happen, where we were going to be young empty nesters. And um, and so the goal was is, you know, uh my last one was born at 29, and like, you know, by the time we were 50, our parenting journey with kids in the home was going to be over. And now I'm 42 and I have three year olds. So our math didn't math. So but math doesn't matter. It didn't, yeah. We have 20-year-olds have great plans with life, I will say that. Um, but my oldest son in that process uh was diagnosed with autism in 2014. And that was a it was just a very um, it was a very hard time, you know. And I think especially having it be your oldest child, like I had so many hopes and dreams that I had put on him of all the things that he was going to do and become. And so the grief was not losing obviously a child, but it was losing the dreams of what this child was going to be. And it was a very, very hard time for me to process, you know, what that was going to look like. And I remember I cried myself to sleep, you know, multiple nights. And my husband took it so well and was very like casual about it. And um, and so one night while I was crying, he said, you know, let's really get to the bottom of what is happening with you right now. And and I said, Well, what happens if he doesn't get married? And what happens if he doesn't have children, you know? Um, and Evan said, What if those were your dreams for him? And what if they're not his? And I didn't cry, you know, about Nolan after that. And um, and then I I completely reset on who Nolan was and what a gift he was. And he is so funny, and he's 18 now, and he drives and he's had a job and he's very independent and he's doing all these things. We're looking at colleges, you know, next year. And um it was such an amazing experience. But once I got over myself and what my hopes were, I dug into what was going to be, you know, your experience as being the best mother to a child with autism that could possibly exist. And Evan always says um that nobody can obsess like I can. And so um, you know, from that you learn all of these skills of how to navigate with the insurance and, you know, fight them on things and push and advocate for a child and, you know, what their hopes are, how we're going to help them get there, how we're going to help. And it's a it's a process of a million steps that with typical children you never even think about. But like everything is planned and taught when you have a child with special needs, like it's broken down into tiny little increments. And and so, you know, once we kind of got over that for and and were living in that and really doing really well. I mean, Nolan has been a remarkably honestly, we have some of our other children have been more challenging to raise. They're more strong-willed. And Nolan was always kind of quirky and and go with the flow on things. And and so once we got to Florida, my husband's active duty, and we knew we were going to be here for three years. I knew that, you know, children in foster care that had an autism diagnosis would be more difficult to place. I knew that they'd have a higher incident of being in a group home, you know, and young kids in group homes, because there's just absolutely no place else for them to go. And that was so heartbreaking to me that I could not imagine that my incredible sweet little Nolan, if God forbid he ever ended up in the foster care system, that everybody would say no to this kid because of this scarlet letter of a autism diagnosis. When honestly, he's easier to parent than what some of my other kids are. And it that seems so unfair. And so that's what really drew us in was that we felt like we had this set of skills and how to navigate this. And so we wanted to be there for kids specifically with autism, um, and help to meet their needs and serve them. And it was such a beautiful way for God to redeem, you know, something that was very hard, that wasn't what my plans were, that wasn't what I wanted to do, and turn it into um one of the greatest ministries that Evan and I have, you know, ever been able to be a part of.

SPEAKER_02 11:36

It's incredible. I mean, it's just really incredible. I um thinking back through, you know, the process of becoming foster parents, and they say, like, what are you willing to take? What are you not willing to take? And um Yeah, for sure. Autism is a s it's a scarlet letter in in that in the world, right? I remember when we were in the middle of an adoption from Ethiopia, my husband and I, you have to check all of these boxes. And my husband and I checked um mild to moderate special needs, including HIV. And we did not check any box that um would require us after the age of 18 for a kid. Like it just was like at the time, it was like this is not something that we could I could imagine. I wanted to be an empty nester, and I couldn't imagine like being needed and a caretaker for forever, you know? Um, and I was like, something that medicine can fix, something that surgery can fix, something that's like doesn't they're missing a limb, or you know what I mean? Something like that, where it's just like we can work I can work with this. Um and as it like as as our journey unfolds, our first placement. Have I ever told you this?

SPEAKER_03 13:03

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

Our first placement comes in and prior to them coming, I had said, Don't call me with a baby.

SPEAKER_01 13:10

There's lots of people who said the same thing with Isla.

Autism Diagnosis And Redemption

SPEAKER_02 13:14

There's lots of people who love babies. I have a hard time with babies, and and so um call somebody who likes babies. Um and then a couple weeks before our first placement, I started getting this feeling that, like, oh, what if there's a baby in a sibling set and then they wouldn't call me, like whatever. And I started having this really deep feeling about who was coming to our to our house. And so I called our licensing specialist and I said, Hey, there's gonna be a sibling set and it's gonna have a baby in it, and you can call me with that, that one. But the older child needs to come to our home. So just don't hesitate.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

Absolutely identical for Evan and I. Don't don't call me with a baby. You can call me with a baby if there's an older sibling.

SPEAKER_02 14:05

If there's an older sibling, but I knew inside of my like spirit that the older child is the reason that they needed to come. Yes. And so, sure enough, we get this phone call. It's a sibling set, it's a 17-month-old child and a and an infant. And the infant is the reason that they are coming into foster care. But the infant is not who needed me. The older child needed me because what we were able to do is get early intervention for autism with this, with this kid. And as luck would have it, my sister's career has been with children who have autism. And so she came over and like helped so much doing like um, you know, kind of off-the-record ABA stuff and different different different things. But it opened my eyes to to understanding, like, oh, I actually have a skill set here. I can actually do children with developmental delays is is actually um easy for me. And it's not always easy for people. And that's what I think I'm hearing you say, like, hey, bring these kids that have these have struggles that are different. I actually have a skill set for this in a way that I other not only do other people not have a skill set for it, but in a way, it's way easier for me to have a child with developmental delays than it is for me to have a child who presents as normal.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

You know, and I think that first of all, what is normal, and especially in foster care, like people will discount and say no to children with autism, children with medical needs, that's too much. But then what they end up saying yes to is a child with significant behavioral issues.

SPEAKER_02 15:52

Yeah, that has always that has been the hardest thing.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

Which is harder than children with Yes.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

When I'm looking at somebody and I'm like, you are capable of doing X, Y, or Z. Like you are capable of going to school and making it through the day, but you're not doing it. But I know that you're a child who is obsessed with control and you're in control of all of the things that you're doing. You're just giving your teachers a run for your money, as opposed to a child with a significant number of letters after their name, that's like, oh, you actually didn't have the capacity to do what your teacher was asking you at that point. I can work with that. I don't know how to work with. And you know, all of this is like over time, and I'm I've learned and grown and done all of those things, but blank slate, I definitely have a tendency towards a developmental delay that oh girl, give me a developmental delay, like any, and it's so funny.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

I still have people that will reach out every once in a while and they're like trying to like send pictures of you know a child that they're aware of. And my husband is very adamant that eight is indeed enough. Um, but I'm like, man, that's my jam. Like, you know what we could do? Like, we could do so much. This would be so much fun. Like, let's get them in therapy and let's just see them like blow everybody away with what they're able to actually do because you get them the services. And then, you know, I've seen kids that are nonverbal, you know, go into you know, too much conversation. Like now they're, you know, it's just fascinating. And I think that those are the things that when we say a hard and fast no, we can't do this without like even taking time to pray or consider, um, then we're going to miss out on seeing kids just absolutely do things that nobody believed was possible. And then I'm the one that got the front row seat to watching all of that. And that was what was my absolute favorite. And I still get to do that to this day with the kids that you know we said yes to forever.

Saying Yes To “Hard-To-Place” Kids

SPEAKER_02 18:04

So you mentioned it. You have eight kids, four of them are adopted, and also four, not all of your adopted kids, but four of your children altogether fall into the spectrum of special needs. Yes. Like, how do you approach that?

SPEAKER_01 18:18

Yeah. You know, I had somebody stop me. We had all of the kids at a football game recently, and we do we do tend to draw the eye when we're all out together, and people are trying to figure out what's going on there. And um and so somebody stopped me and they they commented on my older kids and how they were engaging with the littles, and because we have four that are 13 to 18, and then we have two seven and two three-year-olds. So there's the big age gap, you know, in the middle there. And I, you know, they said your your older kids seem to really just enjoy these little kids. Like, how did you how did you make this and you know work in the end? And I didn't have an answer for them at that point because this is just life and this is who we are at this point. But it it made me kind of stop and process. And I think that the older four, especially, you know, Nolan and then these other three that were a part of that, they grew up, and that was just a part of their experience driving to therapy in the car, picking up from therapy. Um, and you know, life did not revolve around him, but there was definitely a lot of time that was directed to that. And so, because of that, they always had this experience of there's somebody that needs mom right now, and they have become very gracious in that, and it's been a beautiful thing to watch. And there's times that so in that example, we were there watching my you know, almost 13-year-old cheer. And then we go and we watch my 17-year-old play football, we do these things, right? So everybody gets their things, they all have activities we're there and present for them. That's been something we call it parenting small. So we can't ever have so many children that our older children don't have the same experiences or activities because of the choices that we made. So everybody still does all the same things. And Evan and I basically just end up driving and Ubering and we don't have a life anymore.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

What does parenting small mean? Can you define that? What does that mean for you and Evan?

SPEAKER_01 20:36

So it means that any child in the home still has the same experience that they would have had for as much as you can possibly give them if we had never done foster care or adoption at all.

SPEAKER_02 20:48

Aaron Powell, so parenting small means like parenting as if we had a small family.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 20:53

Exactly. Parenting each kid as if we had a small family, even though we have our family is eight kids, two adults, ten people. Yes. We drive a gigantic van. Yes. And special needs abound.

Developmental Delays Versus Behaviors

SPEAKER_01 21:05

And so, you know, I think that it's been fat fantastic to watch these older kids adapt as beautifully as they can. But I think some of that is as they know that mom and dad still show up for them. They still do all the activities that they want to do. And not that we're like crazy in, you know, that they're doing two or three things at a time, but each of them has one sport in a season. And, you know, we're just bouncing around for that. Um, but you know, I wouldn't, I would never say that this is something for everybody, right? Like it is definitely a a deep dive into what it is to be a parent and and that every individual child is looked at individually for what they need and what their gifts and their strengths are. And so it's not something that everybody is necessarily called to. But I think when you can't Can break it down and do it well and look at them each as individuals and what they need in this day and how we meet that for them. And then you have this amazing partner that's willing to join you in this crazy ride, too. That's what makes it fun and fantastic. And everybody is still thriving because they're getting their needs met and you're going above and beyond to make sure that they all get what they need.

SPEAKER_02 24:14

So there's a cost to that though.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

It's a cost of social, right? Like Evan and I no longer have social lives anymore. And I actually had to tell somebody um this year, it's gotten it's it's not chaotic. It's so much fun to watch these big kids each have their own gifts and celebrate them and be there for it. But the cost is that I can't be present and as good of a friend or as involved in ministry as what I used to be, because that is a full-time plus job being present for these big kids and all the talents that they have. Um and, you know, I I think in the when we talk about, right, like what we learned in pride class, um, and what we learned in our training and what we could have been taught that could have been helpful. Um, you know, when we were talking about this earlier, like it's this concept of how your life is going to change, and and nobody can tell you how it's going to change, right? But it is getting ready to change. And and for some people, they can do it in a way that's still comfortable, that is still socially acceptable, right? Um, and so life maybe doesn't change a whole lot. Um, but then there's the rest of us. And what we don't know is going to happen is that because of the yes that we put on the table, yeah, that we are no longer going to be accepted by, you know, the circle that we once belonged in. And and I think, you know, once you've always been in this circle, you didn't never realize that a circle existed. And the and the way that I explain it to people now is that we we lived on a resort and it was great. We loved the amenities there. We had social activities and we had friends that we got to hang out with and we went to church and man, the resort living. I and it it wasn't without a set of challenges, but we were comfortable at the resort and we knew how to live at the resort. But when you say yes to something that makes the people at the resort feel uncomfortable themselves, then likely what will happen is that you will be politely or not or not politely always, um you'll be given a ticket to a your own private island. And this island is going to sound like a very exciting place initially, the way that it kind of, but it's extremely isolating.

SPEAKER_02 27:09

Yeah.

Parenting Small In A Big Family

SPEAKER_01 27:10

And so you have to figure out how to live life on the island and not be a part of the resort anymore. And I think the fascinating part about living on the island is that you don't even really notice that you've been banished to the island until you've been there for a little bit. And so you spend It's like the boat drops you off.

SPEAKER_02 27:36

Yeah. And you think it's like a day excursion.

SPEAKER_01 27:38

It's like a bit, yeah. Like a short little trip.

SPEAKER_02 27:41

Like, wait, the boat's not coming back.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

Yeah. And so I think the fascinating part is like, what do we do when we're on the island now? And some of us we try to build a bridge back to the resort. And we spend a lot of effort and time trying to build the bridge back to the resort because that's what life is. We don't know life outside of the resort. And maybe if we could get our our bridge built, that we could convince people at the resort that we are still resort-worthy people. Um and then I love this analogy.

SPEAKER_02 28:14

I know, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:15

It works on so many different levels for people. But I didn't realize that I was on an island for several months. And I'll I'll tell you what was really fascinating was I was grieving the loss of the resort, right? Um and my husband wasn't. And so I think it was this kind of he's introverted. Like he didn't want to necessarily be at the resort around all those people, like all the time. Like the island life is for him. And so, you know, when there's this loss of, you know, and you've done something or you've adopted too many children, and you know, people don't know what to do with you anymore. And I was just talking with a friend today, and she's like, you know, I remember being a child, and there was this family that had this horrific accident, and um, this they had a child that ended up in a wheelchair. And I remember always thinking like they were, they seem like a nice family, but they weren't a normal family. And I think, you know, we have a little guy that's in a wheelchair, um, and we have two with autism, one with Down syndrome. And so I think people think they look at you and they think, oh, well, it looks like a nice family, but um there's a lot that's going on there. So I don't really, you know, know how to engage, or it could be a lot of work to engage, or you know, and so so island life it is. So what are you going to do when you're on the island? And um, and I think that once you figure out that that's where you're at, like what is your island going to look like? And um, who from the resort is going to be willing to take day trips to see you? Because there are, you're you're not gonna be completely isolated. God forbid. Like we still had people that lived at the resort that were willing to come to the island and spend a day there or a week if they were super crazy. But but you know, this is a whole fascinating conversation that never happened in Pride class. Like, if you do this long enough and you welcome in children that, you know, aren't don't fit societal norms that your life as you know it at the resort will no longer exist. Yeah, and you won't ever be able to go back there again. And how do you how do you work and and make the island thrive? And you know, for Evan and I, we after we figured out that first that you're at the island when it suddenly dawned on you that you had. We've probably been at the island for like a solid six months. We're pretty slow people, actually. Like trying to go back.

The Cost: Social Isolation

SPEAKER_02 30:58

Yeah. So you had a very external um sense of belong like not external sense of belonging, but you had a very external presence. Yeah. Right? You were you were pumping out many, you were building a ministry at a church here. Um so you were you were connected to people, but nobody was being connected to you.

SPEAKER_01 31:21

Yes, exactly. Like the the bridge went one way.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

The bridge went one way. Yes. And to an extent, I think that there's I'm gonna speak for myself here. I think that there's a little bit of a coping mechanism involved in that of like I don't have the energy to invite somebody over. Like you just gotta show up at the island. I don't have the energy to extend an invitation here, other than to say you're wanted and you're welcome.

SPEAKER_01 31:56

You're welcome whenever. Right.

SPEAKER_02 31:57

You're welcome whenever. But it's but all of my energy is is being used over here, right? Um to build up this infrastructure. To build an infrastructure that supports the yes that we said. And I think um additionally to you said something about Pride class, and I think additionally, they don't tell you you you said like um you can't go back. Like if you do this long enough, you'll realize like you can't go back to the resort. Um, I think also you realize like you're not the same person who lived at the resort anymore. That person that version of you is also gone now, which is another loss. Truly, it is a huge loss. But there everything that we're talking about has this other side of joy, right? Like every one of these losses, there's a there's an element of um there's there's joy involved here in in all of these losses.

Resort And Island Analogy

SPEAKER_01 33:04

And that's all how you decide to embrace the island, yeah. And so for Evan and I, once we figured out that, okay, this is where we are now, and um, and you do have you know some friends that are gonna stick it out with you. Um, but it's not going to be what it ever was before. And so, you know, some people their choice at that point when they're on the island is to become bitter about the island and you know what it is, and and that causes a lot of other issues that are going to, and we and we see that like um and it it is there's a number of ways there there could be a lot of grief in the island. Um, and maybe it's bitterness initially, but you you choose to grow from it. And then some people, you know, and and we see lives really fall apart through foster care and adoption. And it's so heartbreaking. But that was the catalyst of you know what ended up happening to families, and it it really broke so much on so many different levels that it was not able to be repaired anymore. And I think so, addressing the issues with the island, addressing the fact that I didn't want to be on the island, but my husband was just living his best life over there, um away from like everything, you know, and I'm like, gosh, you know, it'd be nice to, you know, go back to the resort and he never wanted to go back again. So an introvert marrying an extrovert is always going to have challenges, but being able to actually explain it that I can understand and that he can understand, you know, where we're at. And okay, what are we gonna do with this stupid island now that neither of us really ever wanted to be on? And because I think just because it's who we are, we're like, well, listen, if this is the island and this is where we're stuck at, like, let's make it the best island that we can possibly make it for our kids to have an experience. And then we doubled down on our island and we brought more kids in that made more people uncomfortable. And so, you know, then you're just fully entrenched in island life, right?

SPEAKER_02 35:20

Yeah, this is what we're doing. Yeah. If this is what we're doing, we're gonna go big.

SPEAKER_01 35:23

We're gonna just blow the roof off of this thing. And so, you know, um, but yeah, like can you imagine going into a pride class and being like, you know, today the life as you know it isn't going to exist in five years anymore. And you can't tell people that.

SPEAKER_02 35:42

I I just I think that you should tell people that. I think that we would have a lot more success in sustainability of foster care and retention of foster parents if in the pride class you you start with, hey, this is not this is gonna be the best thing you've ever done, and it is going to be the hardest thing that you've ever done. And there is not a middle ground. No, there it will take you to the end of yourself, it will show you parts of yourself that you never wanted to see ever, because you kind of like who you are. That's why you're in the pride class.

SPEAKER_01 36:22

That's why we're on the resort. That's why we're we're comfortable at the resort.

SPEAKER_02 36:26

And and probably we think we're really good parents if we're sitting in this pride class. We look really good. Not only are we like, not only are we totally rocking it with our biological kids, but we're so good we can do this with other people's kids too.

SPEAKER_01 36:42

For sure. People at the resort are calling me and asking me how I'm doing this.

SPEAKER_02 36:46

How do we do this? Probably I should write a book. Yeah. I mean, all of those things are true for every person sitting in that class. Until you get cut off in the resort. Yeah. Well, until you get cut off from the resort, until you get a kid that's in your home whose behaviors don't stop, who like where the case is really long and hard. I mean, 50% of foster parents close their license after their first placement or in their first year, which are kind of synonymous, right? 50%. I just think we can do better than that number. I think we can do better than that. I think, I think it can be 40 or 35 or or 25, right? Like if we if we tweak a little bit on the front end and we say to people, this should scare the bejesus out of you. This should scare, this should feel really big and scary, actually. You're about to do a hard thing. You're about to run a marathon, and actually you've never ran a day in your life. And it's, but you know what? Buckle up because you're at the starting line and you got a marathon in front of you. I wouldn't sign up for that, race. Now I'm saying that as a person who actually would sign up for foster care no matter what, and would sign up for adoption no matter what, because it's how God created me. Oh, sweet Jesus, I am on a soapbox now. Can we feel it? But I just think if you look at people in the eye and you say, Hey, your best friend from high school might not still be here in five years. You guys have been friends for 30 years, and they might you might not still be friends in five years because this might be the thing that cuts it off. Is that are you is that a loss that you're willing to take? Yeah. Your family, they might not agree with this. When it when this gets really hard and you keep saying yes, your family might have some really big opinions.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

They may have a lot of thoughts on how you're impacting all of the children in your house, right? Yeah. And so you may you may not be able to to have the same relationship there anymore. You know, how you navigate this with your spouse could be either the best of you or it could be it could take you to your breaking point.

Grief, Marriage, And Identity Shifts

SPEAKER_02 39:05

And when it comes to spouses, I mean it's no secret that um that Brad and I have been in a really hard place for a while now. And people love to ask, is it because of the kids? Is it because you adopted? And I say two things. One, I think adoption is the thing that's saving our marriage. And two, foster care and adoption, all it does is put a magnifying glass on top of your marriage. It does not create things that are not already there, but it does absolutely amplify your weaknesses. And then you're in a whole other host of issues. Yeah. Right? Like if you don't have it set at home, everything else gets infinitely harder.

SPEAKER_01 39:53

I always tell people when they ask to, you know, yes, it was really the special needs aspect, but the other part of marriage and foster care for us was, you know, I married somebody that was successful, has a great career, and it doesn't matter what he does, he will always be attractive to some woman out there. And I wanted to find a way to put so much responsibility and children on that once she heard that he had eight children, that she would never that was that was the breaking point. So I feel like we've I've successfully kept my marriage together because of this.

SPEAKER_02 40:33

Because we got eight kids.

SPEAKER_01 40:34

Yes, yeah, and nobody you're not attractive, you know, anymore.

SPEAKER_02 40:38

On either side. No, like that's the this is a something that I say routinely right now is um we have no marketability, like no, none. That's how it keeps you together.

SPEAKER_01 40:50

Yes, like who's gonna take, you know, this dude with eight, you know, I don't care how much money he makes, he's got eight kids, and I'm taking 75% of it at the end of the day. So, you know, so how are we gonna figure out how to make this work together at this point? So, really, and when people ask me about why we got into it, that that was part of my underlying motivation. I married to an attractive man that is successful. And, you know, how do I make him unattractive to other women? Oh my god, I'm gonna get in. So yeah. But the special needs part was a part of it as well. The special needs part. I read an article that people with dark senses of humor are are they live a lot less, and so I'm glad we got this in when we did. I don't know how much time I have left.

SPEAKER_02 41:42

Yeah. The people with dark senses of humor and people uh people who cuss have um are more there's a study that says that people who swear are more honest people and they're more they're actually more trustworthy than um than polite society. Than polite society. Fantastic. And it doesn't show a lack of intelligence. I was like, good, that's good for me. Yeah. Anyhow, okay. So I guess my question is knowing what you know now, having walked out the last eight years of your life, all of the mountains and all of the valleys, um insurmountable mountains and and dark valleys over the last eight years, and joys and triumphs and losses and griefs and all of that. What has surprised you the most? Would you do it again? And um how have you changed as a person? That that is a heavy hitter question. So what has surprised you the most? Start with would you do it again? Because that's an easy one.

Retention, PRIDE Class, And Reality

SPEAKER_01 43:02

I mean, I have, you know, this remarkable family from it. I wouldn't take any of that back or change any of that, and how we got to who we are today. What surprised me, I think, is first of all, how much I can fall in love with my husband on a regular basis all over again, watching him parent, you know, babies still at this point, you know, you're 42 and and our um and one of our little guys with Down syndrome, he looks he's small, and and so to see Evan scoop up a baby still with his gray hair now, and I got to watch him do this 18 years ago. Um, and I think that's been surprising and lovely. Um and and vice versa, he came home the other day and um and it was not a great situation with one of our younger siblings, and um and you know, he he said, like, I I did, I fell in love with you again in that moment because I was driving a hard line with this kid and he found it attractive. So um, I think that that's surprising, you know. Um, and I went to high school with Evan, so we've been doing life together for a long time, and we we can still look at each other and say, Man, it's been really hard, and I can't imagine doing this with anybody else but you. So that's that's the beauty in this, is that um regardless of the heart, I got to do this with Evan. And and we made it the best that it possibly could have been. And I can say that with assurance. Um and then I think the other thing that surprised me is my big kids in this and how lovely they've been. And watching them in this journey has been, you know, I don't know who they would be without it. It's been hard on them too. Um, but my 17-year-old, um we we had a little guy in foster care, and um there was a time that that they thought he might come back. And my 17-year-old said, you know, I really like him, he was fun. But the main reason I want him to come back is because I've seen how hard this is for you to not have him here, and you know, you don't get um moments like that with teenage boys very often, or they get it on such a deep level of I don't know, trying to protect you and your heart in a way, but the compassion.

SPEAKER_00 45:45

Yeah. I have raised immensely compassionate teenagers.

SPEAKER_02 45:54

Man, Kayla.

SPEAKER_00 45:56

And I got and that happened because of foster care.

SPEAKER_02 46:02

So that part is it happened because of foster care, but it also happened because of the example that you set for them. And the way that you chose to do foster care and the way that you have mothered them through it.

SPEAKER_00 46:17

So yeah, that's been surprising and lovely, you know, as well. What was the third question?

SPEAKER_02 46:25

Uh what's changed about you?

SPEAKER_01 46:27

Oh gosh. I think the better question is what hasn't I mean everything and yet um what led us here is what I still get to do every day, which was advocate super hard for amazing children that I get to do this with for as long as God gives me. And I think even in the hard and the challenges and and I I I don't think that people could understand the pace that it necessarily takes to keep at the level that we're at right now. But I still look at everything that's happened and with assurance know that hey God was good and he had a great plan with all of this because without the domino the first one falling nothing else would have and then the second part of that is is that this was still my dream. I I got everything I ever wanted. I got to do this with an incredible person and I wanted to have a big family and it is nothing what that dream initially was and it's been terrible in many ways of how we got here but when I was a you know when Evan and I first got married we said we wanted a big family and you know we had these dreams and I still believe that that that dream came true for me. So it it does not look anything like what I thought the dream was but it's still the dream nonetheless. I love that. And so finding the beauty in the changes of it right and and trying to make this island the dream that it still can be is what I think of day in and day out. And it's it's fun. Oh my gosh. And I think people miss that like even though things are hard and even though there's challenges and I think people look at Evan and I and what we've experienced and and they think like how how could that be anybody's definition of fun but oh my gosh I have so much fun and these big kids are so hilarious.

SPEAKER_02 49:03

And listen teenagers are amazing.

Marriage Under A Magnifying Glass

SPEAKER_01 49:06

I mean I was really dreading and if we ever got back into foster care, you know once we get these little out like I would do teens in a heartbeat. I mean I drove there was a car accident this car ran up on a pole and it was up in the air and I had a child with me one of my teenagers and he called out and there's fire trucks nobody could hear it but he called out you can't park there and um and it was like stuck up on a pole like you know a 45 degree angle. And I just thought to myself you know my work here is done. There's really nothing else that I can do at this point. And so it's just this mix of you know trying to make the best of what you absolutely can and enjoying it for the ride that it is. And I think my faith and Evan's faith in this has been the biggest component and the biggest blessing in the fact that and we learned that from Nolan right like this thing that we didn't want and this journey that we didn't want to be on God can redeem that and make it something that's so beautiful and and so everything that happens that is in my mind negative in this moment I don't look at it for what it is right now. I look at it as a an experience of me waiting for God to redeem it. And either he will while I'm alive or he will you know in eternity but at some point I will know why we were in the valley for so long and I'm just waiting to to see how God is going to redeem. And and we've we've seen him do that so many countless ways already and that's just if we can look at the hard in that way not that this is forever but it's a moment that God is going to use for so much better then nothing seems so hard anymore. And I think when we look at these super hard things now whenever we do something I think to myself I've done harder things than this and so we can do this today too.

SPEAKER_02 51:30

So it's a good way to live because of the terrible and hard things that we've been through so yeah yeah it builds that confidence right like I know how to persist here I know how to I know how to lock in and I know how to persist because I've done harder things. I've done harder things in this yeah I love your perspective on this Kayla I really do. I love the eternal perspective of like this this will be redeemed some way somehow in this life or the next there is redemption and that it it is for our good it is for it is for our good and we can trust that so okay at the end of every episode we do a lightning round and I'm gonna ask you three questions answer as fast as you can I always interrupt even though I say that I'm not going to ask more questions even though I say that I'm not going to so first question what's on your nightstand I looked this morning so I could have a fresh take there's three empty bottle or cans of Coke Zero and uh um some snack bags and no riveting books at all.

Humor, Honesty, And Coping

SPEAKER_01 53:05

Do you guys still have kids sleeping in your room I'm I may or may not have a child in a bluey bed. In your okay in a seven year old that may or may not be sleeping in there and then maybe a child that doesn't have special needs.

SPEAKER_02 53:20

And so I woke up this morning we have a couch in our room for kids to sleep in our bedroom and then I have like two like fur rugs on either side of the bed so that there's like a little bit it's like a step up from carpet but aesthetically pleasing and some kid the couch is also where I put all of the clothes I haven't put away yet some kid and I think it's my 13 year old came in and dumped the couch onto the floor in the middle of the night while he slept there I'm fairly certain I know who it is.

SPEAKER_01 53:52

Listen, you know this is all about like surviving well. Surviving well man thriving in the middle of it all so yes do I still have a child sleeping in my room yes.

SPEAKER_02 54:03

But do we sleep through the night?

SPEAKER_01 54:06

Yes and also like you've never had to wake this child up in the morning and convince her that she needs to go to school and it's a process and we've just found that the process works better if she's there there.

SPEAKER_02 54:19

Yeah I listen I there is zero judgment. I think if you were to say like hey Rebecca what has changed about you I'd be like oh I have zero judgment. That's right. What do what do we need to do in order to sleep through the night and get through the next thing I got no judgment.

SPEAKER_01 54:40

Like man it's a quiet meal.

SPEAKER_02 54:42

Could care less I don't care I don't I do not care you do you boo get it get it done. Well done on your enjoyable dinner out you dangle a cookie in front of a kid's face and run backwards to get them to leave the playground I got nothing I got nothing but love for you.

SPEAKER_01 55:00

I am in full support of your bribery tactics at this point.

SPEAKER_02 55:04

Okay. What um books or podcasts are you loving right now? Do you have time for books or podcasts?

Would You Do It Again

SPEAKER_01 55:10

I am I should be I aspire to be a reader and yet you are not I think that I would be more interesting if I was but no I want to be completely honest. I could tell you about books that I have downloaded that I haven't read that would make me more interesting. But that's fine I'm more of a sitcom like escape from reality. What's your favorite thing to watch right now? Who I I'm I'm back on the office so it's a classic it man like it is so darn I need something just stupid that like isn't and people always ask me when you have children with special needs like do you like um the good or you know the ones that have like kids with special needs and I'm like no I I don't I don't want to watch a show what was that one that had um Julia Roberts and the kid that wore a helmet no the there's the TV show that had like a foster care story in it. Parenthood there's parenthood and then there was oh this is us this is us and people were always like are you watching this is us and I'm like no because the reason I watch TV is to not see any of my life in that escapism that's finest. Yes something stupid where I don't have to think and can be somewhat surprised with the stupid humor in it.

SPEAKER_02 56:31

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 56:32

Okay last question what is bringing you joy right now um I enjoy Starbucks and it is you know definitely something that like gets me going in the morning but I have other kids and it can be an expensive endeavor. So one thing I'm enjoying is we take our Starbucks cups and we clean them out and for one of the three year olds who demands Starbucks now we make his drinks at home in a Starbucks cup and give it to him when we get to Starbucks and he's pleasantly surprised every time that he has a fresher for himself. It's really just watered down juice that we put in the cup at home. So it is little little tip if you have teenagers and babies and the babies want the things that the teenagers have just wash the Starbucks cup out they don't know the difference.

SPEAKER_02 57:28

You want another tip for Starbucks I listen uh this is where TikTok is it the cup of ice and then it is if you need to share something get yourself a venti of whatever it is without ice that is three or four cups grande cups of like get Zoe and I get a tall cup a tall chai tea latte with no ice in it will do two grande cups with ice in it. You pour those in a venti will do three or four.

SPEAKER_01 58:03

I know it's crazy. I I am very selfish at the heart so I like to drink all of my venti and um then use the cup like later uh but yes my daughter has yeah graciously shared hers as well.

SPEAKER_02 58:18

So well it's just like we would normally get a grande like we would each normally get a grande which is$565 each or six dollars and we're still drinking a grande.

SPEAKER_01 58:28

And the days that we get food for some of the kids this is terrible but um it's three dollars and fifty cents now like three you know for food there. And so I um have paper sacks at home that and I told somebody Starbucks has really expanded their menu because some days it's got Cheerios in it.

SPEAKER_02 58:52

Who knew?

SPEAKER_01 58:53

Who knew that Starbucks had these things and so when we get food on those days the three year old gets the paper bag with the and once again delighted to know that Starbucks has Cheerios. Cheerios, mini muffins, you name it you know it has come from Starbucks it is as long as it's in the paper bag we are having a good morning so that is amazing. Okay well now that we have tips and tricks tricks we're starting to have me back for other tips and tricks on parenting next time so oh man Caleb thanks for being here this is wonderful. It was fun I'm glad I get to be on your island yes come take a trip any day