Aging with Purpose and Passion

Addict to Judge: Mary Beth O’Connor’s Story | Aging with Purpose

• Beverley Glazer • Episode 123

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Mary Beth O’Connor’s life is a gripping redemption story of addiction recovery and resilience. From surviving childhood abuse, sexual assault, and decades of methamphetamine addiction to achieving 30 years of sobriety as a federal court judge, her journey inspires women over 50 to find purpose and passion.

 In this Aging with Purpose and Passion podcast episode, O’Connor shares with Beverley Glazer the raw mechanics of transformation—how trauma fueled her dependency, starting with alcohol at 12 and escalating to injecting meth by 17. Despite addiction, she attended Berkeley, only to watch her potential fade. Recovery wasn’t a single rock-bottom moment but a gradual awakening at 32. She entered rehab doubting sobriety was possible, offering hope to anyone hesitant to start. O’Connor’s key insight? Address addiction andtrauma together—her PTSD proved tougher than quitting drugs. 

From law school at 39 to judge at 53, her story, detailed in Junkie to Judge, proves it’s never too late to rebuild. Ready to ignite your next chapter? Tune in to discover how small steps can unlock your unstoppable potential with Aging with Purpose and Passion—the weekly podcast inspiring women over 50 to embrace bold shifts, redefine themselves, and craft a vibrant, fulfilling life.

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Resources:

Mary Beth O'Connor

Website: junkietojudge.com

Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mary-beth-o-connor-8aaa4b121/

X/Twitter: @MaryBethO_

Beverley Glazer

https://reinventimpossible.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/beverleyglazer/

https://www.facebook.com/beverley.glazer

https://www.facebook.com/groups/womenover50rock

https://www.instagram.com/beverleyglazer_reinvention/

https://calendly.com/reinventimpossible/15min


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion, the podcast designed to inspire your greatness and thrive through life. Get ready to conquer your fears. Here's your host psychotherapist, coach and empowerment expert, Beverley Glazer therapist, coach and empowerment expert, Beverley Glazer.

Beverley Glazer:

How can you rise from the trauma of sexual assault and many years of addiction to becoming a federal court judge? Well, welcome to Aging with Purpose and Passion. I'm Beverley Glazer and I'm a coach and a therapist, and I help women achieve the success they know they deserve in their lives and in their careers, and you can find me on reinventimpossiblecom or you can send me a text in the show notes below. I want you to meet Mary Beth O'Connor. Mary Beth is an author, she's a speaker, she's a recovery advocate with 30 years of sobriety, who worked her way up to the position of a federal court judge, from surviving a violent and abusive childhood to an advocate for recovery and healing. This story isn't just inspiring, it's a masterclass in transformation. If you've ever faced challenges that seemed insurmountable, this conversation will demonstrate the power of hope and the belief that it's never too late to turn your life around. So welcome, Mary Beth O'Connor, or should I say Judge O'Connor.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

Well, I'm retired, so I think we can go with Mary Beth.

Beverley Glazer:

Okay, so please share what it was like growing up in that childhood home of yours back in the day.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

Yeah, I mean, part of the reason I focused on that and I'm glad you do is because it's such a common pathway to substance use disorder, which is what we call drug addiction today.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

And so I had a mother who wasn't really connected to me or focused on me and that sort of created a lot of anxiety and feeling like I was on my own. I mean, even as a little girl I had like counting behaviors and soothing behaviors. But when I was nine she married my stepfather and things got a lot worse. He was very violent with her, physically, sexually violent with me. It was just a very high stress environment and also an environment where what I did and what happened to me were not really connected. On top of that, because I knew I didn't have like my mother as a supportive parent, I really felt alone and like I had to handle this person on my own. So it was a lot of stress and strain and that sort of made the drugs, when I first experienced them, seem in the beginning like they were helping me, because they helped relieve the tension, relieve the anxiety, put the pain at bay, and that's sort of how that you often transition from that neglect and or trauma into an excessive drug use at a young age.

Beverley Glazer:

Yeah, and that happens a lot to children that get into drugs and alcohol. I mean they can test it out, but not everybody has a substance dependency. But I'm glad that you said it. That soothing is what brought you to alcohol. Was alcohol your first drug of abuse?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

Alcohol was my first drug. It was when I was 12, and it was Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill Wine, which a lot of people know, a very sweet introductory drug in my area.

Beverley Glazer:

Yeah, yeah. And what escape did that provide for you?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

I mean, what I really noticed the first time was that I sort of felt like my muscles relaxed, like I could take a deeper breath. I was giggling with my girlfriend in sort of like a more openly joyful way and that just really captured my attention, that this is a really positive experience and I pursued it right away because I wanted more. I felt like I needed more, and so it was something that from the beginning I was targeted toward, my mind was focused on, and then it just moved on. I mean, I added in weed and pills, I did a lot of acid for a while, and then at 16, I found methamphetamine, which became my drug of choice, and I was shooting meth at 17. I mean, so it was a pretty fast and severe escalation.

Beverley Glazer:

But all the while you were going to college as well, when you were 16, 17. So how were you able to handle all that? Because that's tricky. What did you do?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

Yeah, yeah, I mean, for me school had always been my one special place, like it's, where I was special, where I was seen. I had always done well academically and the drug use didn't really hit me academically until I started shooting math. And so by the last few months of my senior year of high school I was missing a lot of school, but I had always been a good student and they let me make up the work. Plus, by the end of your senior year I had already been accepted to college. You know, I was already accepted and ready to go and so I went to.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

I grew up in New Jersey and I came to California for college. I graduated from Berkeley and I did do better for the first couple of years of college, but much worse than everybody else. But for me it was something of an improvement. But I had another really life-threatening sexual saw. I had a violent boyfriend and then I sort of like lost the little bit of grip that I had and in January of my senior year I started using meth again regularly and I didn't get sober till 32. So that's sort of how the whole thing played out.

Beverley Glazer:

Yeah. So what was going on at the time? I mean here, what you were doing was living the life of a drug addict, trying to cope and getting into like one experience after another, because, I mean, I've dealt for many years working with drug addicts and they don't usually become federal court judges. So, before we even go back to that, how did you go through that insanity of methamphetamine, drugs and the lifestyle, mary Beth? Because it's a lifestyle on its own. You know that, yeah.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

Yeah, and I mean, and it's a pretty miserable existence, right, because you know it's like sometimes it was clear to me that, like you know, I was poisoning myself with drugs and it was like a core problem. And other times I didn't really understand how my life had gotten so out of control. I mean, I couldn't hold a job. Every job was like less money and less responsibility, because I couldn't get there and I couldn't concentrate. I was just getting more and more trapped, more and more hopeless, more and more despairing. And then my long-term partner, he was really done with me by 32. He was ready to throw me out. And so your world just gets smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller and you lose things that you value. I mean, you know, you lose things that are important to you. You're not making the progress that others are making in their life and it's very, very painful. You're right, it's a very debilitating and painful experience.

Beverley Glazer:

Yeah, and you get used. You get used. You're using yourself, your self-esteem is down and you get used by people as well. So how did you support yourself? Like you said, you had menial jobs. What did you do to support yourself?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

I mean I was living with a partner who had a regular job, so that was an advantage you know that I had and I would work and maybe I'd work. I hold a job for you know, nine months or a year and then I go on employment for a while and then I get another job and hold it for nine months or a year, and so it was sort of like that and my expenses were fairly reasonable and methamphetamine is not the most expensive of the drugs you know. Plus, I had a community of drug users. So a lot of drugs, you know people give them to you Right. If you're, if you're in with the right crowd, a lot of drugs are given to you, especially when I was younger. So it's sort of it was like that. But I was barely hanging on. I mean, I had a Berkeley degree and good grades and my last job for rehab was word processing.

Beverley Glazer:

And I could only hold it for nine months, Like that's sort of where I had worked my way down to. So did you go and work right through and get that degree at Berkeley, or did somehow the drugs kicked in and you had to stop and have to go back Like how were you able to do all that pressure? I mean, a law degree is a lot of pressure. How did you do that? How did you manage that?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

Yeah. And so for undergrad I did go straight through and I worked half time, but for the first three and a half years of college my joke was better. I mean, you know, not good, but it was a little better, but I had actually. I actually got accepted to Berkeley Law for right after, you know, right after college. But remember, in January of my senior year of college I started using meth again regularly. So by the time I got to law school in the fall I was in no shape to do it and like I couldn't get the class, I would literally miss weeks, you know, of class. And so I had to withdraw. I gave back a top 10 law school because I knew I would never be able to finish, I'd never be able to pass the bar, and it was a. It was an agonizing loss. It was an agonizing loss but there was. There was no way around it if I was going to keep using drugs, and at the time I didn't see a path out of the drug use.

Beverley Glazer:

So what was that aha moment that you said I'm going to have to stop this?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

Yeah, and so I mean, I know, in the movies or television it's always this epiphany right, right, that can happen, like a DUI or you lose custody of your kids that can happen. But I think most people are more like me, where it's the cumulative impact of the losses and the misery and the year after year after year, and so by 32, I'm having physical problems. As I said, I'm feeling very hopeless, very trapped, very debilitated. My partner was ready to throw me out, and so it was all of those things together that made me finally say you know, maybe I ought to go to rehab.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

And when I went to rehab I didn't think I could stop, like I really didn't believe it was possible. I thought maybe I can figure out how to do better, like maybe I can figure out how to do less. It's not that I wanted to keep using, it's that my imagination didn't go all the way to stop right. And I say that in part because I don't want people to feel like there's this barrier to starting the recovery process, as in you have to be 100 percent sure that you're going to be able to be sober before you start. Now many of us aren't sure, many of us are ambivalent or not confident, and yet you can still eventually get to success. Just start where you are. Start where you are eventually get to success.

Beverley Glazer:

Just start where you are. Start where you are. Yes, I would say just from the experiences that I've had, and I will go very general. Really nobody that comes into rehab says I'm really going to let this go. I mean, it's really a slow process to even allow yourself to believe that there's another life possible for you, because before you reach rehab you've tried to succeed so many times and fail. So it's like and why? Now you know? And why now? And so did you just have one shot of rehab or did you go through a few rehabs? Because happens a lot, so what happened?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

yeah, yeah, and I'll say that too. Part of it is my biggest fear about rehab was how will I handle my pain? Because I knew that my violence history, my, my you know my trauma history was underneath my drug use and so part of it was that I couldn't imagine handling my pain without the drugs and that was sort of like a barrier to seeking help. But but I did do one rehab but I did a long-term program. I went into a program that was 90 days minimum and I stayed for five months. But I also didn't have perfect abstinence from day one, which most of us don't have perfect abstinence from day one. So I used three times in my first five months. So not perfect, but that was a vast improvement over where I walked in right.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

And so and the other thing is part of the benefit of peer support meetings like you know 12 Steps or Life Ring or you know she Recovers or whatever is that you do start to see examples of success and that can increase your belief that it's possible for you. Like I think in early recovery you need to find hope that you, that you can succeed, because early recovery is hard work. It's hard to do the hard work if you don't think success is even on the table Right, and so that is one of the advantages of peer support is hearing people tell their stories, getting to know them and seeing people who are like they were, as bad off as I was, you know, in as long term of an addiction as I was, and now it's a year or two or three years later and look at where they are, and that can really help a lot.

Beverley Glazer:

Yeah. So peer support would be extremely important and if you don't have peer support, you still need support. You cannot do this alone. It is good to either have a therapist and have family that's behind you, people that know, but it must have been very hard to open up, because trauma I don't have to tell you it's trauma it's hard to open up to that trauma. So what allowed you to slowly, slowly share? Was it peer support or 12 step or therapy, or what allowed you to do that?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

Yeah. So I mean I did 12 steps. But that was never a good fit for me and so I used other peer support programs like Women for Sobriety, what today is Smart Recovery, what today is Life Ring Secular Recovery. But I also did do therapy.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

So I went into rehab in 93, and they actually didn't believe that you should tackle both your mental health and trauma at the same time as your substance use disorder. But today we know you should, that you need to do both. Dual diagnosis co-occurring disorders we call today. But I knew that the trauma was underneath my drug use and that if I didn't get a handle on that I wasn't going to ever be happy or productive. So when I got home from rehab I searched for a therapist with trauma expertise and I found one. And that's when I started that work and I will say that my well, she to my surprise but correctly diagnosed me with PTSD, which for me today we would call it complex PTSD, and it showed up as very severe anxiety which I struggled with. It was harder, took more years and more effort to get my PTSD and anxiety under good control than my substance use, because it was more complicated and it came first. But I did need to tackle both if I was ever going to. You know, have a happy and productive life.

Beverley Glazer:

How did you know your personal life affect your work life, your professional life? How did that affect you, or did it?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

When I got sober.

Beverley Glazer:

Yes.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

Yeah, so I mean. So I had some advantages in recovery and one of them was that I had a partner who was ready, willing to let me come home and who was a safe partner, like I mean he was at, he was really done with my drug use and when I was in rehab you know they have those family sessions and he would come up and he would say I think it's too late, she's burned, you know, too many bridges. And but he, he did allow me to come home and he sort of watched and waited to see what was going to happen and he was a safe partner. I mean, for example, alcohol wasn't my favorite drink but I felt like I didn't want it in the house because I didn't want an impulse relapse and he drank without problems but he cleared the alcohol out because I asked him, he was supportive of my recovery and that really did help.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

And then once I was doing well, I mean my husband's always now the, you know, the biggest cheerleader, like when I apply for something, he's sure I'm going to get it, like he has all the confidence in the world. I'm the one who second guesses and isn't sure, and we know that. You know, having friends and family support can really make the odds of recovery success a lot higher, and so it is an important factor. Peer support is a way to develop community, but it's also helpful if you have other friends and family sort of on your side and supporting you as well 100%.

Beverley Glazer:

How did writing your memoir and that's quite a name, from Junkie to Judge how did that help you? Yeah, yeah.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

So I mean when I was appointed a federal judge and, by the way, I went to Berkeley Law like for real, yeah, for real, for real. When I had six and a half years sober, at 39, I became a lawyer at 42. And so, because I didn't get sober till 32, right. So six and a half years sober, I went to law school. I became a federal judge at 20 years sober. So you know, it was a progression from where I started, when I got sober, with a horrible, embarrassing resume, although you know, a degree from Berkeley and good grades to work my way up to judge was a 20 year process, a step by step, you know, incremental, going forward process. And then when I was appointed a judge, it was sort of a natural reflection time, like your question how the heck did I go from shooting meth at 17 until 32 to federal judge? And so that's when I started thinking about could my story be of use? You know, would my story be of value?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

And I, I actually hadn't read a lot of recovery memoirs and so I started reading them and and when I, when I, I didn't see the book I wanted to write.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

So I, a lot of recovery members don't show the why they don't show what led up to the addiction, and I wanted to do that. And so that's about the first third of my book. And then I had the usual, you know, drug chaos, misery, um, uh, showing of that, um. And then the last third is my first three years of recovery, because a lot of members at the end it's like I went to a couple of meetings and everything was great and it's like, well, that's not how recovery works. And so the last third is the first three years of recovery, both the substance and trauma recovery, but also about building a more individualized recovery plan, not just doing a 12-step recovery. I mean the way my techniques and strategies can work for 12-step people. But I didn't see a memoir that wasn't explicitly 100% 12 steps and I wanted to have another example out there. So that's sort of what I was thinking about when I wrote the book.

Beverley Glazer:

Okay, what's the key that you would say to women who really want to now reclaim their life? What's the key thing they have to do?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

I mean, I think it's important to do sort of an honest assessment of where you are Right. And I always say, you know, for me the analytical process is sort of like who am I, where am I and where am I trying to get to? And like like when I got home I got sober, I I would at 32, I wanted to make up for lost time. Like I would have loved to leap into a professional job but nobody would hire me for that and I wasn't ready, you know. So it's important, I think, to think about sort of who am I as an individual, what are my goals and where am I? What's my first step? Because you know you really need to focus on that incremental Most things are incremental improvement, and so if your dream job is four steps away, that's okay.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

What's the next step? How do you prepare yourself for the next step? Get the skills you need for the next step, if you want to work less or become an author or spend more time with your family or, you know, join the, do a marathon or whatever it is. I think it's sort of all the same process about thinking about what's the long-term goal but then really focusing on what's my first step to reach that goal, because that's all you can do today. Is that first step, you know?

Beverley Glazer:

Yeah, no, that's right. Just really think about it and look at where you are and what is that first step you know? Yeah, no, that's right. Just really think about it and look at where you are and what's the first thing you could do and then take action towards it. Yes, yes, without the action, it's not going to happen.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

That's right. That's right. Sorry, I apologize.

Beverley Glazer:

Not at all. I would just want to thank you so much for all this information, because it's so important. When people start thinking it's too late, for me to hear that it's never too late.

Mary Beth O'Connor:

I got sober at 32. I went to law school at 39. I became a lawyer at 42, a judge at 53, a published author at 59. You know, my book came out when I was 61. I mean, you know, there's a lot of different phases in our life that we can keep on doing things that are challenging and interesting to us. And so, yes, I like your aging, you know, with purpose, idea, right. And so it's really like when I retired, it was about well, how do I want to spend my time now that I don't have to, you know, work full time and do a job? I don't want to watch TV, I want to still be productive and, you know, be of use and be of service in a new way. And so it's sort of every phase of life has its opportunity for you to reevaluate and revisit how you want to spend your time, what you're going to find rewarding, what you're going to enjoy.

Beverley Glazer:

Yes, Thank you. Thank you, Mary Beth O'Connor. Mary Beth O'Connor is an author, a speaker and a recovery advocate. She has 30 years of sobriety and has worked her way up to the position of federal court judge. Her book Junkie to Judge is available everywhere and, of course, you can find that on Amazon as well.

Beverley Glazer:

Here are a few takeaways from this episode. Find a safe place, Whether it's school, whether it's a trusted friend or a supportive community. This is your foundation. Take bold steps like entering a recovery program or getting professional help this can be life changing for you and always believe that you can make your life different. Mary Beth's journey from addiction to becoming a judge is proof that transformation is possible for anyone, as long as you're willing to do the work. If you've been relating to this story, take a moment and reflect on how you can change your life for the better. Perhaps it's by letting go some resentments or getting support, or simply shifting your belief that you deserve better. For similar inspiring stories on recovery and addiction, check out episodes 98 and 101. And where can people find you, Mary Beth? What are your links?

Mary Beth O'Connor:

So my website is junketandjudgecom and, like my opinion pieces are there and so a lot of other information. My book, as you say, is on Amazon and all the usual sites, and then I'm on LinkedIn. You can reach me there. I'm on X, you know, twitter, at Mary Beth O underscore, and I don't really argue with people there, I just try to provide information and ideas. Right, and I just joined Blue Sky and that's Mary Beth O'Connor.

Beverley Glazer:

Terrific. And if you didn't catch those links, they're also going to be in the show notes and they're on my site too, that's reinventimpossiblecom. And now, my friends, what's next for you? Are you going through the motions or are you really passionate about your life? Get weekly self-coaching tips to empower you through your journey, and that link will also be in the show notes. Yep, right below, right below this episode. Okay, you can connect with me, Beverly Glazer, on all social media platforms and in my positive group of women on Facebook. That's Women Over 50 Rock. And if you're looking for guidance in your own transformation, I invite you to explore reinventimpossiblecom. Thank you for listening. Have you enjoyed this conversation? Well, please subscribe so you don't miss out on the next one, and send this episode to a friend. And always remember you only have one life, so live it with purpose and passion.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for joining us. You can connect with Bev on her website, reinventimpossiblecom and, while you're there, join our newsletter Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Until next time, keep aging with purpose and passion and celebrate life.