Recovery Diaries In Depth
Welcome to Recovery Diaries In Depth; a mental health podcast that creates a warm, empathic, and engaging space for discussions around mental health, empowerment, and change. Executive Director and podcast host Gabe Nathan brings a unique combination of lived experience with mental health challenges, years of independent mental health and suicide awareness advocacy, and an understanding of the inpatient psychiatric millieu as a former staff member at a psychiatric hospital. This extensive background helps him navigate complex and nuanced conversations with a diverse array of guests, all of whom are vulnerable and engaged; doing their utmost to eradicate mental health stigma through advocacy, storytelling, and open conversation.
Guests who have previously contributed a mental health personal essay read their essays aloud during the podcast and then chat with Gabe about what has changed in their lives since their essays were published on the site. By engaging in deep discussions with people living with mental health challenges like bipolar disorder, trauma histories, addiction issues, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive or eating disorders, Recovery Diaries in Depth further carries out Recovery Diaries' mission to #buststigma by showing people that they are not alone, instead of just telling them. This mental health podcast features guests from all over the world and, while their own personal experiences are unique, the human experience is what unites, inspires, and connects. Subscribe, like, share, and enjoy!
Recovery Diaries In Depth is supported in full by the van Ameringen Foundation.
Recovery Diaries In Depth
Surviving Childhood Abuse & Trauma with Morrene Hauser | RDID; Ep 112
Child sexual abuse and trauma, particularly at the hands of family members, is often called "unspeakable" and yet Morrene Hauser is breaking silence and shattering taboo by doing just that. She is determined to not allow shame and stigma to force her into being quiet. What Morrene endured growing up is unfathomable to most people and yet, at nearly sixty years old and living a full, rich life, she is living proof that there is life after childhood sexual abuse.
Morrene wrote an essay for Recovery Diaries last year called "My Very Own Sunshine: Healing from Trauma with Horses" and she returns to Recovery Diaries as a guest on this episode of Recovery Diaries in Depth to talk not just about her beautiful, moving essay, but to engage in a frank discussion of recovery from abuse and trauma. Morrene's recovery involved therapy, a drastic reduction in alcohol consumption, which Morrene acknowledges she was using as a maladaptive coping tool, and two other elements: writing and horses.
The first, writing, Morrene didn't discover until later in her life, but it has become a therapeutic, healthy, cathartic outlet for her to express herself, come to grips with what happened to her in her youth, and to help her connect with others.
Horses, however, have almost always been a part of Morrene's life, even when she was a child in the midst of constant horrors, horses were there to bring her peace, comfort, respite, and the kind of love she never received from the human beings in her life. Horses are still a part of her life today: she wouldn't have it any other way.
Morrene's interview is a wonderful reminder of the strength of the human spirit; listen, share, like, subscribe, and hope.
CW: This episode features discussions of child sexual abuse and trauma. Please visit https://rainn.org for extensive resources and help related to these issues.
Conversations like the ones on this podcast can sometimes be hard, but they're always necessary. If you or someone you know is struggling, please consider visiting www.wannatalkaboutit.com. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call, text, or chat 988.
Hello, this is Recovery Diaries In-Depth. I'm your host, Gabe Nathan. Thanks so much for joining us. We're very happy to have you here. We are very pleased and grateful to welcome to the show Morrene Hauser. She's a writer and an advocate living in Columbus, Ohio. Morrene is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and she's here today to talk about her life and her recovery.
Gabe Nathan:Each week we'll bring you a Recovery Diaries contributor folks who have shared their mental health journey with us through essay or video format. We want to see where they are in their mental health journey since initially being published on our website. Our goal is to continue supporting our diverse community by having conversations here on our podcast to follow up and see what has shifted, what has changed and what new things have emerged. We're so happy to have you along for this journey. We want to remind you to follow our show for new and back episodes at recoverydiariesorg.
Gabe Nathan:There, like the podcast, you'll find stories of mental health, empowerment and change. You can also sign up for our mailing list there so you never miss a new podcast health, empowerment and change. You can also sign up for our mailing list there so you never miss a new podcast episode, essay or film and you can find this podcast pretty much anywhere. You get your podcasts. We appreciate your comments and feedback about our show. It helps us improve, make changes and grow and, of course, make sure to like, share and subscribe. Course. Make sure to like, share and subscribe. Morrene Hauser, thank you so much for joining us on Recovery Diaries.
Morrene Hauser:In-Depth. Thank you for being here, thank you for having me.
Gabe Nathan:You are so welcome. I just want to ask you how did you find us at Recovery Diaries?
Morrene Hauser:Just an online search. I am a self-taught writer. I was a court reporter for a little over 30 years and when I retired I started writing and I write about mental health. Obviously, that's how I found you, and just an online search, and it must have been my lucky day because you accepted my writing and I was very thankful for that.
Gabe Nathan:Well, it was our lucky day too. I can't tell you. It's an honor to have your piece on our site and to have you as part of our community, and I look at all of our writers as heroes, and I really do, and I don't think it's hyperbole to say that, because I really feel that it's people like you who are letting people know and I say this a lot that a lot of people will post on social media like you are not alone, or they'll have it as a bumper sticker. People will post on social media like you are not alone, or they'll have it as a bumper sticker or it's on a t-shirt, like at a mental health walk. But it's people like you who really show people that you are not alone by putting the experiences and things that you went through and endured in your young life and you know we'll get to those, of course, during the reading of your essay A lot of people are actually going through things like this, but they probably feel like they're the only ones, and I don't think that the decision to be public, to post an essay like yours is something that people take lightly.
Gabe Nathan:To post an essay like yours is something that people take lightly. So I just want you to talk a little bit about, you know, about finding us and about deciding hey, there's this organization that publishes mental health essays. I feel like that's something that I want to do. What was your thought process like when you decided to click send and send that essay to us?
Morrene Hauser:Well, let me back up a little bit.
Morrene Hauser:First of all, I had to get over the guilt and the shame and the humiliation, and I said guilt and I'll say that again the ultimate guilt of being a child abuse survivor, because I turned everything around and made it my fault, which is typical.
Morrene Hauser:And so when I started writing my book, which was right around my nervous breakdown, I just had this knowing in me that this will eventually reach the public and the right survivors. But in the meantime, I started writing articles, as I call them, which is what I consider my very own sunshine, an article and I knew, in order to help other people, I had to be very open and honest about what I went through and I had to let go of the guilt because it was. I mean, I think any survivor that's listening to this is nodding their head like guilt, yes, and shame. I mean, I looked at my peers and I'm like I just felt like I was an alien, like I was the only one that had experienced it, which I know that's not true, but that was at the beginning of my journey. Did I answer your question or did I? No, you did.
Gabe Nathan:No, you answered the question beautifully, but I guess I'd like to know, when you talk about letting go of that guilt and that shame, that's obviously not something that happens instantaneously Correct. Can you talk a little bit about that process? How do you begin to get out from under that weight and I guess it probably does feel like a weight, this thing that's hanging on you?
Morrene Hauser:Oh, yes, what is that like?
Morrene Hauser:Well, the first part of your question how did I get out of it Was by writing my story, and the book that is completed and I have not found a publisher as of yet is entitled the Good Girl. And writing that book just opened my eyes to how the abuse made me the person that I am of how the abuse made me the person that I am, you know just. And it helped release a lot of the guilt and shame and humiliation, because as I wrote, I realized this is not my fault. I was an innocent victim at the hands of some very sick people. I highly recommend any survivor to write about what they went through, whether you keep it to yourself, whether you have a book burning party or you share it. I think it's very healing.
Gabe Nathan:Is writing something that's always been a part of your life.
Morrene Hauser:No, like I said, I was a court reporter for the first little over 30 years of my career and I eventually had to give it, my beloved career, up, because of the migraines. I mean, I just dealt with migraines through my whole life. I got married with a migraine. I ran a half marathon with a migraine. I have an extremely high pain tolerance. When I retired, which was right around the time of my nervous breakdown, that's when I started writing. So prior to that I had not written. I was an avid reader and court reporting certainly set the stage and gave me a lot of skills to become a writer, and I love writing.
Gabe Nathan:And can you talk a little bit about what happens when you're writing? What does it feel like to open up and put things down on the page and explore some very, very painful and traumatic memories?
Morrene Hauser:I'm going to try to get through this without crying, but I'm not sure I'm going to make to get through this without crying, but I'm not sure I'm going to make it but these are tears of happiness because of where I'm at today, but it just releases so much.
Morrene Hauser:You know for years, and probably every survivor can understand, this is we couldn't talk about it In my house was a code of silence. You do not talk about what goes on in our house, and when I was a little girl there were times I did, but this just I mean I always felt very misunderstood. I'm a highly sensitive person, I'm an abused survivor, I'm empathic and I mean I just finally felt heard and that's just so beautiful Whether my friends have read it or somebody was kind enough to publish what I wrote, which I've had a number of publications and I'm thankful for I'm finally being heard and that's just such a beautiful, freeing and therapeutic thing to happen.
Gabe Nathan:And I feel like that's what everybody wants. Whether they're a trauma or abuse survivor or not, everybody just wants to be heard, because there are things inside of us that are just aching to get out, and we're aching for empathy and connection.
Morrene Hauser:Yes.
Gabe Nathan:And I feel and I hope that when we publish an essay and put it out into the world, that those little connections are happening all over the world. You may never hear about them, I may never hear about them, but someone somewhere is being connected to you through your words and through your work. And that's got to feel very hopeful.
Morrene Hauser:Yes, and you know I'm going to be 60 years old next month. So I didn't grow up with the internet. I mean, we had three or four channels on the TV. I didn't know that what was happening was wrong, didn't know that what was happening was wrong, and so I mean just to carry all of those secrets and trauma around for years before I finally cracked open that Pandora's box. It's been amazing and it's been eight years since my nervous breakdown and I just I am so thankful for where I'm at today. I don't think I've I have never felt this happy in my life and it's born of peace and quieting that nervous system that was just so out of whack for years. And I have lots of goals and plans for the future. I'm thankful I'm on disability, but it's not my ultimate goal.
Gabe Nathan:Sure, of course. And as we talk about your mental health journey and your recovery and what has been helpful in your recovery, so obviously writing has been helpful and cathartic, use that word. Obviously writing has been helpful and cathartic, use that word. You know this great release of stress and of pain, horses have been another component of your recovery. We're going to get to that too Absolutely. But I'm curious also about the role of therapy and medication. Has either of those played a role in your recovery?
Morrene Hauser:Oh, yes, gosh, that's such a long. I'm trying to shorten that because I was on medication for years before I found out what was wrong with me, because I just suffered so much with the migraines and the insomnia and the depression and the anxiety. So, yes, there was years that I was on something to varying degrees, when I had my breakdown. I was hospitalized for one night and I got out and I was in two weeks of outpatient therapy, intense therapy, which was very, very healing, and then I don't even know what kind of medication I was on at the time. I know at one point I got some kind of heavy duty antidepressant but I had been on one years ago and it was an absolute nightmare to get off and I looked at all the side effects and I thought I don't want to do this to myself.
Morrene Hauser:So currently I take trazodone for sleep and I take hydroxyzine for sleep and I really don't take much and I'm very thankful for that. I just I really wanted to work things out the best I could in my own mind, with my own way, as I call it, of natural healing versus taking synthetics, if that's the right word. So, but currently I am not in counseling, I'm on disability and Medicare and I'm thankful for it. But that does definitely limit me as far as finances. But I have a wonderful support system and my best friend I mean I can system and my best friend, I mean anytime I'm having a down moment or down day, she's always there for me. I've never, ever felt that all right, maureen, you need to shut it down because this is getting old, so that's good. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for that.
Gabe Nathan:That's wonderful, and I think a lot of people sometimes neglect to consider the impact of that social support network. Yes, friends, family, if people are working, colleagues, someone that they can really really lean on, lean on. And having that close friend who just maybe instinctually knows that there's something off with you, who says come over, you can have a cup of tea and sit with me for an hour or two or three or more, that's huge. That's really really big. I'm really really glad that you have that support in your life.
Morrene Hauser:Well, they say that. Well, I've heard that women recover from trauma, or at least come to terms with it, a lot faster than men generally do. Because we're talkers and I've always been a talker, I've always. But then again, I think, for years I wasn't allowed to talk. So then, once I was able to find my voice, now it's like I want to talk, I want to.
Gabe Nathan:Well, it's like that natural shutoff valve was closed for you, yes, and all of that wanted to come out. But, like you said, we don't talk about what happens in this house, and that's where the abuse was happening, and so it's incredibly difficult for someone who wants to be vocal, who wants to give voice to this, to have that closed off, and you know it's hard to look for a silver lining in something like a breakdown, but maybe that needed to happen in order to open up your voice.
Morrene Hauser:I was sleepwalking through life prior to my breakdown and I've heard a few times, here and there, that that's probably one of the best things that can happen to a person. I've even heard people say everybody should go through a breakdown. I'm still mulling that over, but for me, it was the best thing that happened, because there were so many issues in my life, from the alcoholism and the chronic illnesses and all of the memories going through my head, the flashbacks that I wouldn't acknowledge. I had to crash in order to come back stronger. I had to crash in order to come back stronger. But I'll tell you this past eight years has been quite a journey and at times it's been very painful because I fought it tooth and nail, as the egoic mind has a tendency to do.
Gabe Nathan:Yeah, Can you talk a little bit about the alcohol, because I don't know if that's something that's really explored so much in your essay. Do you feel that you were using that to cope or to numb or to suppress, and how did that turn around?
Morrene Hauser:As far as how it helped me, I first started drinking when I was 14. Now we didn't drink much because we were underage. There wasn't a lot of ways we could. But you know, by the time I was 18, I was a functioning alcoholic and I always was able to perform, like with my family, with my job. I mean, in the evenings I would get pretty drunk, so I wasn't performing very much there, but it just it took away the flashbacks, it took away the fear. It took away, it made me relaxed and I was able to laugh. Now I've always now, of course, as the years went on, that was a very painful point for me, because after a while my family's just like you know you're drinking too much, and this was went on for years, and every time I tried to stop I couldn't, because I just I couldn't and because I hadn't faced my problem. Now, once I had my breakdown, I continued to drink quite heavily because I was getting all of these memories coming back.
Morrene Hauser:Now I drink on occasion. It's not I still feel guilt about it though, but it's. I'm not drinking every night, I'm not getting drunk like I used to. I would say sometimes. When I do drink now, it's just to relax my muscles, my tense muscles, from the migraines, and that does do it. But I don't feel a need to pick up a drink because I'm depressed or anxious, and that is huge. Now I don't know what my future brings. Am I going to eventually hang up drinking altogether? I don't know.
Gabe Nathan:Right.
Morrene Hauser:But whatever is going on, it's under control and I'm thankful that's great and again for me, just quieting down that nervous system that was so out of whack for years. I mean I'm definitely going to write about that, because when I hear of other survivors being able to sleep, that blows my mind. I mean I'm sleeping, how is?
Gabe Nathan:that even possible.
Morrene Hauser:Yeah, I'm sleeping much better now because last year I just said I'm not doing this anymore. I have. I knew, you know, when I had written my book I really delved a lot into the insomnia because it had been with me since I was seven years old and I realized it was fear, I'm not going to sleep, I'm not staying asleep because I'm afraid. And one day I was on YouTube looking at I'm on YouTube all the time listening to stuff, healing stuff, and I saw something about healing insomnia and I listened to it and part of it made sense. And then when they started wanting you to go into the sleep deprivation, I thought no, that wouldn't work for me because I have done way too many all-nighters. So I just said I'm going to do this on my own all-nighters. So I just said I'm going to do this on my own and I just said I mean, it took a little while, but every time I would feel that fear when it was time to go to bed, I would say there's nobody going to hurt you anymore, you're safe.
Morrene Hauser:That was then and this is now. It's safe to sleep. Now, obviously it's not 100%. My nervous system's not 100% convinced because I still have to take stuff at night to sleep, but I look at that medication with gratitude. I used to beat myself up and get depressed because I had to take something. Now I understand its origins and I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I have something to aid me.
Gabe Nathan:And it's another extension of shame and guilt. So there's feeling shame and guilt for what happened to you. There's feeling shame and guilt about needing something to help you. There's shame and guilt about why can't I just sleep? Why can't my nervous system understand that I'm safe now. So that's such a continuous thread that I see through your life and I wonder if part of the sleep thing too is about control, Because when we're asleep we're out of control. Anything could happen. Right, that's good. Just as you felt out of control when you were being abused as a child.
Morrene Hauser:Yes.
Gabe Nathan:It's a very vulnerable thing A what happened to you and B, even just the act of sleeping and so convincing yourself that it's okay and that it's safe, quieting that CPTSD mind. It's a very difficult thing to do and I want to ask you about triggers for your CPTSD. Can you talk about some of them and also how you cope with them when they arise?
Morrene Hauser:Well, music is a huge trigger for me. I mean, I would think it would be for most people, just because I don't know. But there are certain things, songs I cannot listen to. It just brings back every horrible, painful emotion and no matter how much I have tried to reprogram my mind, my body, whatever's going on, that's not going to work. A crowing rooster that just sends my nervous system into the outer limits, because that was a part of my life that was very bad. Here I'm going to get emotional again.
Morrene Hauser:I really feel that the universe, I'm single, I live alone and I really am thankful for this time that I've had to heal alone. I don't have anybody around me that stresses me out. I don't have young children. I love my kids, but little kids can stress you out. I don't have a job that stresses me out. I don't have a job that stresses me out. I don't have a relationship that stresses me out.
Morrene Hauser:I'm very good friends with my ex-husband, by the way, but I'm thankful that I can just walk away from anything or anybody that disturbs my mental health. And so, like I said, it's been a tough eight years since my breakdown, but I finally realized why it all had to happen and why I've been a hermit, Because I've been pretty much a hermit. I go out to see my horse. I love my people at the barn. I call them my barn family. So I know that this time in my life will not be forever, where I'm alone and kind of a hermit. I mean I see a lot of really good things from my life and I have to again.
Gabe Nathan:I have to be very thankful for this time. There's no one to stress me out and there's no you know external stimulus. They would say, god, you know, she must be so lonely, um, or kind of project their own emotions onto you, um, and I think there's a great difference between being alone and being lonely, and I don't want to put words in your mouth Maybe you are lonely sometimes. No, I have something to add to that. I have something to add to that.
Morrene Hauser:I don't watch the news because obviously mental health reasons. But I do get online and I'll look at, you know, headlines and like maybe I can handle this one or you know, just to look and I was seeing like this loneliness epidemic and of people getting older and you know I'm at that age and I was, you know, gabe. I was starting to buy into that and I was starting to feel depressed. It was making me feel like a little old lady and you know, one day I said F you, you're not going to pin a label on me and tell me how I should feel. And it didn't last long before I crawled back out of that. You know what the news is trying to make me tell me how I should feel.
Morrene Hauser:And I just look at this time in my life and the quietness and the solitude with so much gratitude. I didn't look at like that all the time. I mean, there were times I just felt left behind and forgotten in this world. I no longer feel that way. I get impatient at times with my life because I'm just like, okay, come on, let's go, let's go, I have things to do and but the universe has to open those doors. I'm doing everything I can on my end yeah.
Gabe Nathan:And you can't force something. So things are going to happen when they happen, and you're certainly not somebody who just sits around and does nothing. You're very creative, you're industrious, you're thoughtful, you're very actively engaged in life and in your own recovery. So obviously what's happening right now is working and I think it's great that you made that call about not buying into. What I really feel like is pop psychology and the whole loneliness epidemic. If that's what other people are going through, that's fine, but that's not what everyone is going through. Um, so not allowing yourself to be pigeonholed, um, I think that's great. Um, so you mentioned your barn, family and going to see your horse.
Gabe Nathan:Um, can you tell us a little bit about your horse, can you?
Morrene Hauser:tell us a little bit about your horse. Well, as I wrote about in my article, he came into my life when I was going through a nervous breakdown. My marriage was ending, my career was ending. And I saw him one day on Facebook and I had been looking. You know, during that time I had been looking at horses on Facebook and I had been looking. You know, during that time I had been looking at horses on Facebook I hadn't years prior to that but and I saw him. I saw a lot of horses, but the day I saw him, my heart just stopped in my chest and my breath just caught my throat and, you know, and my breath just caught my throat. And, gabe, I firmly believe that certain things people, animals are meant to come into your life at the right time and you will recognize them. And I recognized my horse.
Morrene Hauser:I didn't understand what was happening at that time. All I knew is he was for sale and I wanted to get my butt down to wherever he was at to look at him, and I did. And I had no plans on buying a horse. I mean, my career was ending, I had no idea how I was going to support myself. I still bought a horse and he got me through the worst times of my life. I mean, he is and he's also a survivor, if that's what you call an animal. He came from an abusive situation. The gentleman I bought him from had rescued him, so he has trauma in his body and he's just. Every time I'm with him I am fully present. You have to be fully present with an animal that size, but I just feel like I can communicate with him. I mean, I just love that horse with every ounce of my being and I'm so thankful for him. I don't know how I would have made it through that time in my life without him.
Gabe Nathan:Yeah, I mean, it's a partnership and that's. It's a really beautiful thing to be so connected to something like that and I'm so, so glad that that happened for you when it did. And I don't know, sometimes people come into our lives when we need them animals, cars, whatever it is.
Gabe Nathan:Yes whatever it is, we can have that emotional connection with anything and it really can be a saving grace. So I mean, I think this is a really lovely segue into your essay, because your essay is it's not about this horse, but it's about really about another one who was in your life at a very horrible time and I would love to dip into your essay. It is called my Very Own Sunshine. Healing from Trauma with Horses by Hauser.
Morrene Hauser:Family is not only a blood relative. In fact, family can come in many different shapes and sizes. The way I learned about the power of love didn't come from my biological family. It came from an unlikely source a little pony I had as a child named Sunshine. I grew up in an abusive household and there were a lot of fears in my young life. I was afraid of the adults around me. I was afraid of the kids at school. I was afraid of the dark. I had more fears in my life than I could put a name to.
Morrene Hauser:My mom had many relationships when I was a child some boyfriends, some husbands, almost all of them abusive. From as far back as I can remember, I was verbally, sexually and physically abused by my mom and the various toxic men she brought into our lives. Due to the ongoing abuse, I had learned from a young age that adults were not to be trusted. We moved often. It was a lonely and terrifying childhood. When I was seven years old, my mom married her third husband and I got my own pony that I named Sunshine.
Morrene Hauser:I was a crazy, obsessed horse lover, so this was a dream come true. My mom had a small barn full of horses by the time I was born, so the love of these magnificent animals was ingrained in me from an early age, from the way they smelled, to their warm and velvety noses, to their kind and soulful eyes. I couldn't get enough of these amazing creatures. Each time I was in the presence of a horse, all of my inner turmoil faded into the background and I was able to forget about the abuse I suffered at home. As much as I loved Sunshine, I was also terrified of her. Terror was something I had grown up with and it was something I understood well. But despite my fears, I rode Sunshine bareback every chance I could at the stables where she was boarded. Since I didn't receive love and affection at home, horses were the only means of emotional support I had, and I was drawn to them like a moth to a flame. Sunshine knew I was afraid of her, and that little pony took full advantage of my fear. From the moment I got on her, I would start saying silent prayers to her to be a good girl. Sunshine never heard my prayers, or maybe she just didn't care. Sunshine bucked me off. She ran away with me and rarely did she go in the direction I wanted her to, sometimes in the middle of a ride Sunshine's legs would buckle and down we would go. As soon as I felt her go down I would hop off because I know she was going to roll. While Sunshine rolled I looked at her round stomach and lapped at her little legs kicking vigorously in the air as she moved from side to side, scratching her back. When she was done I got back on and we continued our ride. Sometimes our rides were long, sometimes they were short. I never knew where Sunshine would take us, but I was always grateful for the rides she took me on.
Morrene Hauser:Every time I rode Sunshine I couldn't keep the smile off my face. I was head over heels in love with my little pony and failed to see her many flaws. I dreamt about Sunshine at night and I daydreamed about her during the day. I talked about her incessantly. At that time in my young life that little pony was my whole world, my Sunshine. I just couldn't get enough of her. Sunshine may have been a devil when I was on her back, but as soon as I got down she couldn't have been more loving. That little pony just couldn't get enough affection and I was more than happy to oblige. I loved to wrap my arms around Sunshine's head, rest my cheek against hers and pet her as I inhaled her sweet horsey scent. I was able to pour out my pent-up love and affection on her, something I desperately craved because of the constant abuse. When I was with Sunshine, the loneliness, confusion and fears of my daily life disappeared Every time I got on my little pony's back. Without realizing it, I was learning to face my fears. It never once occurred to me not to ride her.
Morrene Hauser:When I was nine years old, my mom married her fourth husband, an abusive truck driver named Emil, and we moved to another state. Mom brought her horses, two Arabians named Jazan and Quasar, but Sunshine was sold. I was absolutely devastated when I had to leave my little pony behind. Without my beloved sunshine, my anchor, I was lost in the sea of abuse. That was my life. After mom married her fourth husband, any fears I had in my young life were soon turned into outright terror from the daily abuse I suffered at his hands and my mother's. In addition to bringing me into their bed and abusing me, mom and Emil sex trafficked me at truck stops. It was a terrifying and confusing time for me, but abuse was what I had grown up with and, as uncomfortable as it was, that was my normal. I badly needed the comfort and solace of my pony and although the other horses were there, I missed my bright spot, my sunshine.
Morrene Hauser:One day, shortly after we moved, I was in Jezan's stall, brushing him lost in thought as I looked at him. Suddenly I knew, without a doubt, that I could handle this young and spirited horse. My fear of horses was gone. I am not sure what changed in me as far as overcoming my fear of horses. Maybe it was the level of abuse that Emil brought into my life that eclipsed any fear I had ever experienced. But overcoming that particular fear was life-changing. When I asked mom if I could ride Jezazon, she thought about it for a second, no doubt remembering my escapades with sunshine. Finally, mom shrugged her shoulders and saddled Jazon up. From the moment mom hoisted me onto his back, my world was transformed and I couldn't keep the smile off my face. Finally I was riding again. Jazon was a challenge to ride and I enjoyed every minute of it. Jazon spooked, bolted and bucked. Nothing he did scared me and I handled him with ease. I had become a fearless daredevil on horseback. Sunshine had taught me well.
Morrene Hauser:Shortly after Emil entered our lives is when I started to dissociate from the sexual abuse. While I lay there desperately trying to escape the terror and confusion that my mind was too young to process, I often escaped into a rich and vibrant fantasy world filled with horses brown ones, white ones, black ones, red ones, spotted ones, horses of every breed and size white ones, black ones, red ones, spotted ones, horses of every breed and size. Somehow, these fantasies brought me comfort and helped ease the pain of what I was going through as the abuse worsened in my house and my mental health deteriorated. The horses gave me a purpose, a reason to get up and face each day and the many challenges in my life. Being around the horses was the only time in my day that I felt alive and present.
Morrene Hauser:When I was 15 years old, I finally fought back against the abuse. Mom had lost interest in sexually abusing me a few years prior, but Emil had not. The day that I fought back, emil didn't take it well. After beating me up and violently raping me, that was the last time he ever touched me in that manner. I'm not sure why he stopped abusing me. Maybe he thought I enjoyed his touch. Nothing could have been further from the truth.
Morrene Hauser:Unfortunately, this particular incident had a devastating effect on me. I lost interest in the most important thing in my life, and that was my horse. Although I still loved him, I stopped riding and spending time with him. I was in a fog of depression and it was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. It would be many, long years before my passion for horses would be rekindled when I left my abusive household and went to college. That was the first time in my life I didn't have a horse. I really thought about them because as much as they reminded me of the happiest parts of my childhood, they also reminded me of the most painful parts. It was bittersweet.
Morrene Hauser:Somewhere along the way, without realizing it, I had buried the memories of the sexual abuse I suffered as a child into the deepest recesses of my mind. Unfortunately, those memories refused to stay in the past and they often surfaced at random times with terrifying and disturbing images of me being sexually abused as a child. I never understood why these images would pop into my head, but each time they did, I immediately kicked them out, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge what my mind was so desperately trying to tell me, but they always left me badly shaken, with a racing heart and terrified adrenaline running through my system. It took an enormous amount of effort to keep that fake smile on my face and pretend everything was okay in my world. I always knew something wasn't right with me, and that was a question I often asked myself as the years passed. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? From the daily flashbacks, to the anxiety and depression, to the chronic migraines and severe insomnia? Something just didn't feel right. But deep down I knew that that something had to do with my childhood. But that was as far as I could go. I wasn't ready to face my past. One day I could no longer deny that these flashbacks were actual memories of abuse I suffered as a child. It was at that time I suffered a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. After my hospitalization, I was diagnosed with CPTSD due to years of childhood trauma.
Morrene Hauser:After my hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis of CPTSD, I finally had an answer to that question that haunted me for years what is wrong with me? My diagnosis had a twofold effect on me. On the one hand, it felt like a punch to the gut that almost brought me to my knees when I realized all of the years of abuse that I had suffered as a child. How could these people my mother specifically that should have loved and protected me as a child, have done such heinous things to me? I was absolutely overwhelmed with shock and grief. And yet, on the other hand, it was a relief to finally get an answer to that question that I had been asking myself for years.
Morrene Hauser:Now that I had my answer, I made it my mission to face my past and heal from all I had been through as a child. All I ever wanted was to feel good. It was at this most crucial time in my life. I bought a horse, a gorgeous Arabian paint named Two-Face. I hadn't planned on buying a horse. He just sort of fell into my life as if faded. Once again, a horse came in to save me when I was at one of the lowest points in my life, when I started healing from my past, I often thought about sunshine, and every time I did, I smiled.
Morrene Hauser:When I look back at my life, I realize that sunshine taught me many important life lessons, such as facing my fears and responsibility. But more importantly, sunshine taught me how to love. I had learned from a young age that being touched meant being hurt and I trusted no one. Even though Sunshine was a pony, she taught me that being touched didn't have to hurt and that it was safe to let my guard down. I firmly believe that without Sunshine or any of the horses in my life, I would not have been able to show love and affection to my children, since I didn't receive it at home. I am forever grateful to that little pony.
Morrene Hauser:I don't know what became of Sunshine. Only one picture of her survived throughout our many moves. I cherish that picture and smile each time I look at it. She still brings me sunshine every time I think of her. When I look back at my life, I believe that horses were there to teach me about love and safety, something that I didn't learn from my family. To me, the horses were my family. Honestly, I'm not sure how I would have made it without them. And in case you're wondering yes, I have a horse, I couldn't imagine it without them. And in case you're wondering, yes, I have a horse.
Gabe Nathan:I couldn't imagine life without one.
Morrene Hauser:Thank you.
Gabe Nathan:Thank you for reading that and thank you for sharing that with us.
Morrene Hauser:Yes.
Gabe Nathan:And I'm just going to read your little bio here at the end of the essay. Morrene Hauser currently lives in Columbus, Ohio. For a little over 30 years she was a court reporter. Upon retirement, maureen started writing children's books about the many wonderful animals she had while growing up and the powerful impact they've had in her life. In addition to writing children's books, maureen also writes about mental health. Maureen has two grown children that also live in Ohio. Morrene has two grown children that also live in Ohio. And after this I don't know if you see the comment that someone wrote down here in August about your essay. I'm not going to read the whole thing, but I really do want to just read one line from it. This is from a woman named Michelle and it says this email ended up in my inbox. I'm not sure how. I don't recall signing up for this. However, it is as if someone was telling the story of my life, and that's huge.
Morrene Hauser:I didn't see that.
Gabe Nathan:Yeah, and I actually I didn't know that that was there either until I was looking at your essay again yesterday in preparation for this interview, and it really brings home what you were talking about towards the beginning of this interview about the power of writing and about how healing and therapeutic and cathartic.
Gabe Nathan:It is for the writer, but also then we think about the reader, and we have no idea who that's going to be. And this one, michelle, like she wrote, no idea how she got this, didn't remember signing up for the Recovery Diaries newsletter, and yet there it is.
Morrene Hauser:It was faded.
Gabe Nathan:It was something that she needed that was there for her, Like sunshine was there for you when you needed her Like your horse now was there for her. Like sunshine was there for you when you needed her, like your horse now was there for you. So it's pretty extraordinary kind of the magic of connection and what writing can do for the author and the reader alike. I just wanted to kind of like acknowledge and celebrate that for a minute.
Morrene Hauser:And can I add something about writing, and this occurred to me. I just wrote an article about healing your inner child and it occurred to me while I was writing this article, how okay, so say, you talk to somebody about what you went through, so there's one aspect, then you write it down and then you're gaining more aspects. And this article that I wrote that I just finished, is the first time I wrote something about healing your inner child and I had so many aha moments that I hadn't gotten. When I talked about it and when I thought about it and when I wrote about it, it's just like wow, this is. I mean, I just struggled to cry or not to cry throughout the whole thing, because I knew if I started to cry I probably wouldn't stop.
Gabe Nathan:Yeah, and through the process of creativity, you're unraveling, you're unwinding, you're unlocking all of this different stuff and making all of these different connections for yourself. It's just such a wonderful tool to use in aid of recovery and creative exploration and also interconnection, helping other people while you're doing it. It's a really wonderful. I have a question for you and I.
Gabe Nathan:This is something that I wrestle with in my own personal life and also when I read. You know, I get contributions every day to recovery diaries, authors writing about all different kinds of things, and a lot of times people are writing about abuse and they're writing about trauma and things that were done to them and things that happened to them, and one of the themes that comes up again and again is forgiveness. Yes, and I think that all trauma survivors have very different ideas about forgiveness and about whether I think some people believe that it's necessary to forgive to move forward with healing. There really can't be healing until we forgive, and if you don't forgive, then you're holding on to anger. And I have such conflicted emotions and feelings about the word forgiveness as it relates to abuse, specifically horrific abuse like you endured.
Gabe Nathan:So, I just want to hear from you what are your thoughts about that, your thoughts about forgiveness as a function of healing and recovery.
Morrene Hauser:That's a very good question. I often wonder do we ever truly fully forgive? I've heard that so many times and I wonder about that for me, but I will say, forgiveness came pretty easily for me, at least for my abusers, because I turned all that happened to me around on myself. I felt guilty and ashamed. I didn't feel that I had anybody to forgive. I mean, until I faced my trauma.
Morrene Hauser:I don't wake up with a heart full of hate and anger and reliving the past you know, it is what it is Part of me feels like I came onto this earth to experience what I did, to help other people.
Morrene Hauser:That's, you know, on a very spiritual level. But I've found it harder to forgive people in my adult life that have hurt me over the years, like you know, holding a grudge, and I work on that. Me over the years, like you know, holding a grudge and I work on that. I always I was telling my best friend, I always have a project that I'm working on and right now it's releasing fears, just releasing things from the past. And you know, nate, when I, when I feel a negative memory coming up, I picture it as a candle flame and I lick my fingers and just snuff that flame out before it can gain momentum. And another thing that's helped me is giving prayers of gratitude. I mean I've had to retrain my brain Instead of looking at every depressing thing and picturing every worst outcome. I mean, gratitude has really saved me. So you were asking about forgiveness and I'm just kind of wandering.
Gabe Nathan:No, it's all related really.
Morrene Hauser:I would think the biggest thing for me is the hurt over how they could have done that to that poor child. When I look at my kids, I mean it just boggles my mind how you could look at a child as a sex object. But you know, I'm thankful that I broke the cycle of abuse my kids sleep well, that's the other thing, yeah, yeah they're not heavy drinkers. I mean they're not, you know they're. They drink on occasion, but they were nothing like I did. I mean I, I drank for years.
Gabe Nathan:So they didn't grow up in a traumatic environment and weren't abused. And so that's the best shot that they have for leading a functional quote. Normal life, everybody has stuff right, but you did break that cycle and that's incredibly powerful because not everybody can do that.
Morrene Hauser:Mm-hmm. Yes, and I, you know I'm the only one that spoke out about it. There's my older brother that was also abused, but we don't have a relationship and he's repeatedly called me a liar and Gabe. When I started facing what happened to me, nobody wanted to prove me wrong, more than myself. I mean. I was constantly looking for things where I was wrong, but I wasn't. I knew I mean I wasn't. But I also understand why people can't face it. But I also understand why people can't face it. I understand why people go through their lives of dysfunction and tiptoe around the elephant in the room, because it's a tremendously painful thing to revisit the past. It's like you're. At least. For me, it was like I was being re-traumatized all over again. Of course, it was about seven and a half years into my journey this past summer that I intuitively knew I had walked through the flames.
Gabe Nathan:And so yeah, and.
Gabe Nathan:I think, you know, like I said at the very beginning of the essay at the interview, that all of our storytellers are heroes right, and I believe that emphatically. But I also want to be careful when I say that because I don't want to seem like I'm elevating people who have gone through things and are open about it and talk about it over people who have gone through horrible things and choose not to. I think it's all valid and it's all okay and it's an individual choice that people have to make about whether.
Gabe Nathan:I'm going to A speak about it to anybody ever a therapist in private, in confidentiality, or a close friend, or publicly on a website is a very, very different thing, and that choice has to be honored. I think whether it's speaking out or staying silent.
Morrene Hauser:Yes, silent yes. And I, you know I, everybody, you're right is on a different journey and they have to do what fits them. There's no one size fits all in this healing journey. And one thing I would like to add is when I first started acknowledging and dealing with what happened to me, I mean, you know, a lot of my relationships imploded. I mean I was no longer the same person. But the general consensus that I felt from people who were not truly my friends, I guess I should say, was like get over it. It happened a long time ago. Get over it.
Morrene Hauser:And I had a family member who is also an abuse survivor and she was helping me through that time and she would get angry at me because I was not recovering like she thought I was supposed to. And one day I didn't even tell her, I just walked away from the relationship because it hurt me so bad and it just made everything I was feeling even worse having somebody angry at me. But I realized I faced my abuse when I was 51 years old, and so not only did I have to revisit my childhood, there was all those years as an adult where I was running around with an undiagnosed mental health condition and those were some very, very painful years and I had to recover. I had to heal from that also. So it wasn't and I just really admire people and I also envy them that can deal, that can face the abuse earlier than life than I had, because if I had been able to I could have had a much better life at certain points.
Gabe Nathan:But Well, you know, like you said earlier, everyone's on a different journey and I'll tell you. There's this statistic from NAMI, the National Alliance for Mental Illness, that the average length of time between experiencing symptoms of a mental illness and seeking help and this is just for the general population, this isn't necessarily for trauma survivors and abuse survivors is 11 years 11 years from, let's say, experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety, like I know something's going on with me, to actually doing something about it 11 years, and that's just for.
Gabe Nathan:I don't even want to say not run of the mill.
Gabe Nathan:Mental health challenges but, challenges that are, they're not on the order of magnitude of CPTSD. So I think and there's so many different reasons why people delay seeking treatment or they don't want to acknowledge what they're experiencing or, in your case, remembering there is stigma, there is shame, there is guilt, there are financial issues, there is just the day-to-day of every life. I don't have time, I can't deal with that now, I'll deal with that later, or next week, or next month, or next year, and then it just goes on and on, and on and on, and then, right there is that realization of God what could my life have been if I addressed this earlier? But the fact of the matter is is you did address it and it was 51 and not 81.
Gabe Nathan:You know it could have been 21, but it wasn't. And this is the journey that you're on and I think you know, you're living proof right now that it's a pretty extraordinary journey.
Morrene Hauser:Yes, and I should mention that I did seek help at various times in my life. I remember my late teens. I was being counseled by a very kind lady, but I never got to the central issue, right. You know, I just felt like there was something just so wrong with me and I was embarrassed and ashamed. I always wanted to. So I did seek help, but it wasn't until I was 51 that I got to the sexual, the abuse.
Gabe Nathan:Yeah Well, I am so grateful for you, Morrene. I'm so grateful that you made your way to Recovery Diaries and that you came back for the podcast, and I know that you have lots of projects that you're working on and that you've completed. I want you to just tell the listeners about what you've got in the pipeline and where they can find it.
Morrene Hauser:Well, I only have one book in the pipeline and that is a book entitled Sunshine that I wrote a children's book about sunshine. You can get it at Barnes Noble, you can get it at Amazon and it's just a fun little book that I wrote about her. I completed the book of my childhood. It's entitled the Good Girl. Now I have not yet found a publisher for it, but I envision at some point that this book will get published. I firmly believe it's meant to get out there. It's just the right doors opening. Get out there, it's just the right doors opening.
Morrene Hauser:I'm currently writing another book that I am very excited about and it's about my healing journey. You know from my breakdown on and the events leading up to it and what all I've done to heal myself and, Gabe, I was completely convinced when I started on this journey that I could heal myself of everything and I prayed to the universe and I said if you get me through this, I will share my knowledge far and wide to other survivors. Well, here it is, eight years after my breakdown, and it's not quite turned out exactly how I. I mean I still will have triggers. There are people I will still have to say wait, I can't hear this. I have PTSD. There are still songs I have to turn off and times I'll have to walk away. I've come to terms with that.
Gabe Nathan:Yeah.
Morrene Hauser:And it's not.
Gabe Nathan:It's not curable, it's just manageable.
Morrene Hauser:Yes, and I have a couple other children's books that I wrote when I started mentoring a little girl through Big Sisters, little Sisters a handful of years ago, and I wrote a couple of children's books about her and a pony named Freckles and they're fiction. But I mentored her for three years and she turned into a teenager and she got other. But I have a lot of stuff in the pipeline ready to go when the doors open.
Gabe Nathan:That's wonderful and probably another Recovery Diaries essay not too far down the line too.
Morrene Hauser:Well, yes, absolutely.
Gabe Nathan:Send it along.
Morrene Hauser:I will certainly do that.
Gabe Nathan:Morrene Hauser. Thank you so, so much for being here as a guest on Recovery Diaries In-Depth. I appreciate it.
Morrene Hauser:Thank you, Gabe, I truly enjoyed this discussion.
Gabe Nathan:Thank you again for joining us in conversation today. It's beautiful to see the progression of our contributors. Thank you so much to for your vulnerability and for your openness for discussing such difficult and very, very important topics to explore. Maureen Hauser is a writer and an advocate. She's living in Columbus, Ohio. We're very, very grateful to her for her time. Before we leave you, we want to remind you to check out our website, recoverydiariesorg. There, like this podcast, you'll find additional stories, videos and content about mental health, empowerment and change. We look forward to continuing to grow our community. Thank you so much for being a part of it. We wouldn't be here without you. Be sure to join our mailing list so you never miss a podcast episode, essay or film. I'm Gabe Nathan. Until next time, take good care.
