Recovery Diaries In Depth
Welcome to Recovery Diaries In Depth; a mental health podcast that creates a warm, empathic, and engaging space for discussions around mental health, empowerment, and change. Executive Director and podcast host Gabe Nathan brings a unique combination of lived experience with mental health challenges, years of independent mental health and suicide awareness advocacy, and an understanding of the inpatient psychiatric millieu as a former staff member at a psychiatric hospital. This extensive background helps him navigate complex and nuanced conversations with a diverse array of guests, all of whom are vulnerable and engaged; doing their utmost to eradicate mental health stigma through advocacy, storytelling, and open conversation.
Guests who have previously contributed a mental health personal essay read their essays aloud during the podcast and then chat with Gabe about what has changed in their lives since their essays were published on the site. By engaging in deep discussions with people living with mental health challenges like bipolar disorder, trauma histories, addiction issues, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive or eating disorders, Recovery Diaries in Depth further carries out Recovery Diaries' mission to #buststigma by showing people that they are not alone, instead of just telling them. This mental health podcast features guests from all over the world and, while their own personal experiences are unique, the human experience is what unites, inspires, and connects. Subscribe, like, share, and enjoy!
Recovery Diaries In Depth is supported in full by the van Ameringen Foundation.
Recovery Diaries In Depth
An Author with Pure OCD Writes, Survives, and Thrives in Turkey
What happens when your own mind becomes your greatest fear? When intrusive thoughts flood in that feel completely alien to who you really are? In this intimate conversation, writer Pinar Tarhan takes us deep into her experience with Pure Harm OCD – a misunderstood subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder characterized not by handwashing or organization, but by terrifying unwanted thoughts.
Pinar describes the journey from her initial diagnosis at age 19, when disturbing thoughts about harming herself and others left her convinced she was "going mad." She walks us through the frightening early days when she worried she might be "the worst scum humanity had ever seen" simply because of the thoughts in her head. What makes her story particularly compelling is how it challenges popular misconceptions about OCD and mental illness broadly – including the harmful belief that you need severe trauma to legitimately suffer from mental health issues.
Through persistence and several false starts, Pinar eventually found the right psychiatrist who recognized her condition and provided effective treatment. Her recovery path combined medication, therapy, and developing strong personal boundaries. She also speaks candidly about navigating mental health challenges within Turkish culture, which she describes as "a weird melting pot" where finding people who share her individualistic values proved difficult but essential.
Most powerfully, Pinar reveals her transformation from someone terrified of her own mind to someone who now manages her symptoms so effectively that friends joke about whether she even has OCD anymore. While acknowledging that recovery isn't linear and that certain triggers can still cause temporary setbacks, she demonstrates that living well with mental illness is absolutely possible.
Listen to discover how Pinar turned her painful experience into purpose by sharing her story, potentially helping countless others who might recognize themselves in her words. Her journey reminds us that healing comes in many forms – sometimes through medication, sometimes through connection, and sometimes through the simple power of knowing you aren't alone.
Hello, this is Recovery Diaries In-Depth. I'm your host, gabe Nathan. Thanks so much for joining us. We're very happy to have you here. We are so excited and happy to be welcoming to the show Pinar Tarhan. She's a writer from Istanbul, turkey. Her essay, the Trauma of Not being Traumatized Enough my Life with Pure OCD, can be found on our website, as can a short film we made about Pinar when she was visiting the United States in 2019 for a women's writers retreat we held in Cape May, new Jersey.
Speaker 1:Each week, we'll bring you a Recovery Diaries contributor folks who have shared their mental health journey with us through essay or video format. We want to see where they are on their mental health journey since initially being published on our website. Our goal is to continue supporting our diverse community by having conversations here on our podcast to follow up and see what has shifted, what has changed and what new things have emerged. We're so happy to have you along for this journey. We want to remind you to follow our show for new and back episodes at recoverydiariesorg. There, like the podcast, you'll find stories of mental health, empowerment and change. You can also sign up for our mailing list there so you never miss a new podcast episode, essay or film, and you can find this podcast pretty much anywhere. You get your podcasts. We appreciate your comments and feedback about our show. It helps us improve, make changes and grow. And, of course, make sure to like, share and subscribe. Pinar Tarhan, welcome to Recovery Diaries In-Depth. It is an absolute joy to see you.
Speaker 2:Hi, I'm so glad to see you again.
Speaker 1:I can't believe it, and so see you again. Please talk about when we last saw each other. What was that all about? What was happening?
Speaker 2:I think it was like 2019, right, we were on a writing retreat together because you invited us and it was such a great time and I got to meet so many lovely writers. We are still kind of in touch.
Speaker 1:And you came all the way from your home in Istanbul.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was, you know, and I was talking to Flo about this. We were talking to her our our previous episode and Flo said you know, it was really like a dream, um and Flo came from Rwanda, and we had Claire from the UK, um Sanyukta from India, um Liza from Australia, uh, and you, and I think that's everyone Um the international, the group and you know, coming here, landing here, spending three days in Cape May at the beach, um writing and listening and learning and laughing and experiencing the kind of the full depth and breadth of of not just like mental health storytelling but connection, and thinking about it now, especially because COVID came right on its heels, it really does feel like a dream, though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely. It's a crazy town and it was my first writing retreat, so incredible memories there, wow.
Speaker 1:And that's quite a first. So you came to us a couple years before that with your essay. And how did you find us, do you remember?
Speaker 2:Probably I saw a pitch call, because I frequently subscribe to email lists from editors or other writers sharing pitch calls from editors. Or maybe I found an essay I don't quite remember.
Speaker 1:It's been a hot minute, so, yeah, it's hard to remember that far back I would say your essay was probably like 2017, maybe.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Okay. So if you can think back to that essay and you're going to be reading it on the show and I'm very excited to hear it in your voice Can you think back to when you were writing that piece and kind of who you were back then as a human being, but also as someone living with mental health challenges and making a decision to write publicly about them? And if you can also talk about, was this your first time doing that in this essay, or had you written publicly about your mental health before?
Speaker 2:time doing that in this essay, or had you written publicly about your mental health before? I think I mentioned it here and there. I have a newsletter, I have a writer's website and I often talk about health issues, so that includes mental challenges as well. But it was my first really open, really honest essay with all the backstory, with all the diagnoses and the adventures that led to that diagnosis.
Speaker 1:So yeah, and what was that like for you? Did you have a little anxiety or trepidation about?
Speaker 2:being so public. A little I did, but I was also excited because I really wanted this essay out there in the world, because a lot of people don't write about this kind of OCD, the kind that I have. And whenever I find something like this it's like a diamond, you know, in the wild, like it's in the rough, and I thought, okay, people really could use help, because if I had known about this before, it would have been so much easier for me. So I thought maybe it can help others going forward.
Speaker 1:And I know that it has, and I want you to know and understand that now, since then, since writing and publishing this essay, you're one of those diamonds that other people out there are finding kind of shimmering in the dark. They're looking for help, they're looking for answers, they're looking for answers, they're looking for resources, and you can find all of that kind of stuff on health websites or mental health websites and scholarly articles or things written by practitioners, but what's just as important, if not more important, is a human story, exactly, and I'm just so grateful to you for stepping forward and saying I may be nervous and anxious about this, but it's worth it for other people to be able to find this.
Speaker 2:Exactly yes, and I'm so grateful to you because you liked it and you saw the story here, so thank you.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. It was the absolute first essay about Puro and Harmo's CD and we're going to talk about all of that that I had ever received, and you're such a good writer, you're such a strong writer and you know this isn't just a one-off, this is your career, so it's very clear to me that this is something that I felt very strongly about wanting to present to our community and to anyone who just stumbles across us online. So, thank you. Have you heard from folks who read the essay? Do people reach out to you?
Speaker 2:I have Sometimes people reach out to me on Instagram and they say, okay, so I have this, and thank you, or how did you find your doctor? Or how did you you doctor, or how did you, you know, how did this happen? And yeah, not as many as you, I suppose, but I have some people who reach out and it's always great to know that I could have helped.
Speaker 1:So can you talk a little bit about your diagnoses and you know, just for people who don't know, and obviously we're going to get into it in your essay. But if you can just talk a little bit about your diagnoses and just for people who don't know, and obviously we're going to get into it in your essay but if you can just talk a little bit about what you live with, what you've been diagnosed with, I think that would be helpful for folks to know.
Speaker 2:Right. So I've been diagnosed with OCD, but it's like a subset. It's called harm OCD or puro and it's mostly about obsessive thoughts and not necessarily compulsive acts. I have very few compulsions and mostly it's just intrusive, disturbing thoughts. So it's never about doing something for a specific amount of time in a specific amount of way. It's not about being overly clean or overly organized. In fact, I'm super messy. I've always been messy and it continues. Ocd hasn't changed that. So it took a while for me to understand that this is the type of OCD that existed. So I'm really grateful to the doctors who diagnosed this.
Speaker 1:Can you talk a little bit about the thoughts, because some of these thoughts are frightening and being in the mental health space. You see a lot of stuff on social media that is, I think, directed at people who have mental health challenges, like anxiety, for instance, which I live with anxiety, and I understand the goal behind memes or messages that are like hey girl, your thoughts are just thoughts, don't believe everything. You think stuff like that. Okay, and I think that's fine for people who live in the land of what if, which is what anxiety really is. What if I'm late for this appointment? What if I don't turn this report in on time? What if my boss gets angry at me? What if I get fired? What if I did it? And that's you know, that's where my brain lives all the time. Yeah, your thoughts are a little different, the words that are related to pure O, so can you talk a little bit about that and what you do to help yourself cope with those?
Speaker 2:Right. So actually I have anxiety as well, which often comes as a side dish to OCD. It's either depression or anxiety or both. But the toast that I had and I say I had because I have gotten a lot better since the, because I was better when I wrote the essay, but I have also since continued to get better and mostly the compulsions have remained the stuff that I do, you know, checking the oven, checking if the water is off, checking if the door is locked, and a lot of these actually even make sense where I live, because you know the building has had a lot of break-ins and we live on earthquake zone and you know it's really good if the heat is off. You know what I mean. But thoughts-wise I've been really well. So you want me to go back to what they were.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean that's first of all. That's wonderful. I'm delighted, and part of the reason why we are doing this podcast I'd say most of the reason we're doing this podcast is because the essays people write and also the films when you made a film when you were here in Cape May, they're a snapshot in time.
Speaker 1:Yeah exactly, and you're kind of frozen in there for people who either read the essay or watch the film. This podcast, once this is out there in the world, is going to be the same thing. This will be a snapshot in 2025. This is out there in the world is going to be the same thing. This will be a snapshot in, you know, 2025. But we wanted to bring people back because we're all curious, like, okay, you wrote this essay, but in 2017, well, now what? You said this and this and this and this film, but now what? Um, we want to continue getting to know Pinar and we don't just want to be like presenting the narrative that, okay, this is the essay and then this person lived happily ever after yeah, right.
Speaker 1:I don't want that, and we don't know what that we don't know that. That's the truth, or so we just. That's part of the motivation behind doing this. So, yeah, talk to us a little bit about the thoughts that you did have in the past.
Speaker 2:A big majority of it was, I think it's called a call of the void. It's a real term people face, like if you are standing on the edge of a cliff, you will have this urge to jump, even if you are not remotely suicidal. Or if you see someone, you will have the urge to push them, even if you don't actually want to push these people. So a lot of the thoughts were along those lines what if I jump from here? What if I push someone here? What if I do this? What if I do that? And the results were dangerous, let's say, or it results in death.
Speaker 2:And of course it freaked me out because I write romantic comedies. I'm pretty bubbly, you know that, and it's not something that I put on to mask the OCD, it's just who I have always been right. So when the thoughts came I was like what the hell you know? Like? So I might be killing flies like Al Capone, but that's it. That's the you know gist of the violence that I have caused in my life. So that was a really big shock. Like what's happening to me? Did I suddenly turn into a psychopath overnight? What happened? So that was the panic.
Speaker 1:And so right. So then, what did you do with that panic? I mean, because that's a terrifying thing, a to have those thoughts and B, to kind of have them come out of the blue.
Speaker 2:And the problem is the logic goes away completely. No matter how educated you are, how smart you are, once they come, logic goes away. I was sure that if my parents found out they would disown me or like they would be terrified of me. Me or like they would be terrified of me. But they understood before I had to openly go and, you know, talk about what I was going to. They, okay, you are not fine, something is going on, what's what's wrong? And I told them and they were really understanding.
Speaker 2:You know they didn't disown me, they just, you know, took me to doctors and it took a while to find the right doctor because, you know, finding the right therapist and psychiatrist is like dating there has to be mutual understanding, there has to be a matching of values, styles, personalities have to match.
Speaker 2:So it took a while but I found the right psychiatrist and back then I wasn't doing talk therapy because a lot of the therapists that I found did not vibe, let's say. But then I found the therapist because I was also having lots of physical health issues that actually preceded the mental health diagnosis, right. So this doctor was really into and he's a psychologist who went to med school, who decided to go into psychology later, so he's really into functional medicine, so he looks at the whole of the body and the mind and it really helped with my stomach issues, with my immune system issues and when they got better, ocd also got better. I'm still on meds like I'm not letting those meds go. The meds are great, but the you know, eating the right stuff and doing the right stuff, like meditation, talking with a person who is a doctor, slash life coach, slash therapist really helped as well.
Speaker 1:It's wonderful and that's something that's important too to talk about. And I actually just did an Instagram live where I was promoting the essay for the week and I was talking about how, not only is recovery not linear, like I think we have a lot of bullshit ideas about what recovery is, but I think some people think that it's up, up, up, up, up, up up, and then it's kind of just this plateau when we really know it's all like this right plateau when we really know it's all like this right. So not only is it not linear, but there's not a single path to recovery.
Speaker 1:There's not like, oh, it's just therapy, or it's just therapy and meds, or it's just meditation, or it's just this. There are so many different things that can work for so many different people, and it's really nice for you to remind us that sometimes it's a multi-pronged approach and sometimes it's that kind of holistic approach which I think we probably need more of, because the physical side neglects the mental side and the mental side neglects the physical, and it is interconnected. Um, so that's really. It's an important reminder too. Can you talk a little bit about, I guess talk a little bit about the mismatch between you and the values of of your country and also views about mental health that are prevalent in Turkey?
Speaker 2:I think the good thing is, turkey has become very I don't know what's the right word, but I want to say good about mental health, because when you go to your therapist's office or when you go to a psychiatrist's office, you see people from all walks of life, so it's not a class thing, it's. I mean, whether it's affordable or whether enough is being done is another story, but people know that mental health is an issue and people accept this as an actual illness. So there isn't that much of a stigma from what I have seen.
Speaker 1:Do you feel like go ahead?
Speaker 2:When you go to a friend's meeting and if you are close, if you have known each other for a couple of years, usually stories come up Everybody has been to therapy, everybody has been diagnosed with anxiety and another disorder on the side, or anxiety and panic attacks and depression. Similar generations, similar educational system. So it's not a stigma. That's something I I like about the country and we have some really good doctors.
Speaker 2:But go ahead the country is a melting pot and it's not like the United States where a lot of people also tend to look different. So people expect a clash of values in a sense, but here everybody kind of looks like each other but the values are extremely different. It's the history thing, geography thing, class thing, economy thing. It's all over the place right. So you don't know is going to be a person with european values, is something going to be more mediterranean, which is also very similar to balkans in certain ways.
Speaker 2:A turkish person can relate to a meme from pretty much any part of the world, including the middle east, and that makes it harder to find your own people. Because I am more into individualism, like I love my friends, I love my family, I like people in general and I'm extroverted, but I like doing things for me and not this whole what would society think, what would parents think, what would my friends think, sort of thing. So that did lead to some loneliness while I was growing up before I found my tribe. That was hard as a teenager.
Speaker 1:And finding your tribe. It's so, so important for your mental health Because, like you said, when you're getting together with people who you've known, there's that connection and there's that bond and there's that feeling of safety. Like that we can talk about like the real, the real shit and really get into it with each other. But if you're just starting out with someone and, like you said, if you're not sure where people are, that can be really tricky.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:How did that impact your mental health growing up? Do you think?
Speaker 2:I think you know I titled my essay like the trauma of not being traumatized enough. It was just little traumas here and there. I have been bullied, I have been teased and to this day I still don't understand the purpose. Right, and peer pressure never really worked on me, because why are you smoking, like what's the point? But that doesn't always translate well within teens, that you don't really care about peer pressure or that what you think is cool is something completely different than what they think is cool. So I'm. That did kind of lead to uh, it's not fun when you're excluded and it takes so long to find your people.
Speaker 1:Okay, it builds your character but I think it might also build anxiety. Well sure, because it's like am I ever going to find people with whom I connect? Am I ever going to not feel like shit? Am I ever going to feel like I'm not a target for being bullied? And I mean, I speak from a lot of experience with that too. It's really, really harmful and it really does tell you you really do start to believe what your bullies tell you that it's like well, this is the right story, this is who I am. I am weak or I'm stupid or I'm whatever it is that they're throwing at you. You really do start to internalize that and tell yourself this is they're right. They're right about me.
Speaker 2:Or at least you believe that. Okay, you are strange, you are different, you're abnormal. Okay then, where are my people at? Do they exist? Will I ever be able to find them like? Even if the stories in your head aren't inherently that negative, it can still be a little hopeless.
Speaker 1:And so can you just talk about the work that you had to do to push back against that narrative.
Speaker 2:I wrote, I watched movies and I read a lot and I became obsessed.
Speaker 1:Same same same.
Speaker 2:And then I turned it into a career. But funny thing is the things that people thought made you weird later becomes things that people admire you for. It might even be the same people ironically Like. It turned into an obsession with another language. It turned into writing and reading and watching movies and watching series, and I still love those things. So I guess there was a benefit to it, like not being made not to care about society. So the benefit is when you have grown up you couldn't care less if people think you should be married with five kids or drive two cars or have two cats, whatever it is, you don't care. So there's a benefit. I'm not going to lie.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then that attracts a certain kind of person to you, people who admire that. You called it earlier individualism.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is.
Speaker 1:And as you get older and as I think, sometimes when you're getting older, friends start to drop off. But it's that individualism becomes so, so important, particularly when you're living with mental health challenges too, because it's a difficult weight to lug around. For sure, I want to get into your essay. It's so wonderful and, like I said, it is a snapshot in time, and so we're going to talk about it after you read it and talk about where you are now and what it feels like to look back. So, without further ado, I'm going to let you take it away. The essay is called the Trauma of Not being Traumatized Enough. My Life with Pure OCD.
Speaker 2:When I was 19,. I had just finished my freshman year of college and I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder and bipolar disorder. The weeks before the diagnosis I already knew that I had a mental illness. In fact, I was sure I was going mad. Every waking moment was filled with thoughts that terrified me. These thoughts were worthy of the internal workings of a movie villain the Joker would want to be my best bud. Because I thought these thoughts, I wondered if I actually wanted to act on them and I worried. If I wanted to do that, then I must be the worst scum humanity had ever seen. Pretending I was okay was hard. Remembering to breathe regularly was even harder. Remembering to breathe regularly was even harder.
Speaker 2:I suffer from pure harm OCD. I have safety-related compulsions which I believe I subconsciously unleashed upon myself to minimize the risks of life Refusing to touch steak knives, staying away from ledges and people who are close to ledges, staying on the far side of the sidewalk to avoid traffic, checking if the water is turned off. Whatever I can do to make sure I'm not going to harm myself or others, whatever way there is to hurt someone, anyone, in a violent, deadly way. I have thought about it. At one point. One of the psychiatrists tried to comfort me by talking about another harm OCD patient anonymously of course, who thought about stabbing her baby. Yeah, that terrified me further and put me off having kids. Another thing that disturbs me the fact that I live on the sixth floor. I would move out, but it's my parents' place and therefore rent-free. Besides, I want to live abroad, so I need my savings.
Speaker 2:Even after I learned the reason for the disturbing thoughts in my head, the shock didn't wane for some time. For one thing, I had mostly been a happy person. As far as I knew, there was no mental illness in the family. Apart from one case of depression, I had never gone through a major trauma In my head. What I had not been through didn't give me the right to be going through such an ordeal as having a mental illness or two. Knowing what I know now, I'm surprised. I didn't exhibit any real symptoms before I was 19.
Speaker 2:I grew up in Turkey and I didn't belong. Turkey is such a weird melting pot Europe versus Asia, mediterranean versus Balkans, modernity versus religion. What makes it challenging is that many people carry different values from each group, so you will have parents who will one day be hip and understanding and the next will launch you home by nightfall. But one thought always prevails in our culture what do neighbors, parents, friends, relatives think? This forces an insincere sense of community and extreme collectivism, and I have always been a black sheep.
Speaker 2:I was extremely individualistic, free-supported, idealistic and creative. I didn't care about religion or society, which led to many fights with my parents, but they loved and accepted who I was. I wasn't that lucky with friends, often finding myself excluded Despite being friendly and outgoing. I didn't have best friends until I was 16. I was bullied a little, annoyed a lot and in return, grieved to love my own mind. I was my own best friend and, frankly, I liked myself more than I liked the other teenagers around. Doing stupid stuff just to look cool wasn't my thing, so I wrote. I had been crafting stories since I was little. I created screenplays with characters that did everything I couldn't do.
Speaker 2:In my late teens, my life consisted of studying as much as I could while holding my head upright when I couldn't. Ellie McBeal and other enjoyable shows provided me with an escape, something that resembled a life. I believed that once I was in college I would have the kind of life I wrote about or saw through the CV screen. Sometime after freshman year ended, these extremely revolting thoughts invaded my head. I was shocked, disgusted and terrified all at once. They were mostly violent thoughts about harming myself and others and those who were closest to me. I didn't understand what was happening to me.
Speaker 2:Like everyone, I would have the occasional weird thought. Rarely, I would go through moments of depersonalization, feeling as though I wasn't living my life, but merely observing it unfold before me. Everything felt detached and foreign, but this feeling would usually pass after a minute or two. This time the horrible thoughts weren't going anywhere. The more I tried to escape them, the more they persisted. I was convinced I was a psychopath. The thoughts got so frequent and so powerful that I wanted to die, just so they would stop. I didn't want to kill myself, I just didn't want to wake up. I started fantasizing about sci-fi-like procedures that would erase the thoughts completely. Anything but the hell my brain was putting me through. I would cry frequently.
Speaker 2:My parents quickly realized something was wrong and they took me to a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, that psychiatrist didn't dig deep at all. She made it all about sex, and I wanted someone who wouldn't channel Freud. The next ones didn't understand me at all either. But giving up was not an option. I wanted the old me back.
Speaker 2:Luckily, the fourth time was the charm. We found the psychiatrist I'm still seeing today. He thoroughly listened to me. He got a sense of who I was and why I hadn't responded well to my previous doctors. The doctor was compassionate but mildly amused at my fear of myself. He assured me I wasn't a danger to anyone. Amused at my fear of myself, he assured me I wasn't a danger to anyone. I was just suffering from Puro, a version of OCD. I was also mildly bipolar, which explained the mood swings.
Speaker 2:It took me a while to accept that I had a mental illness. All my life the media had taught me that in order to suffer from mental illness, you had to endure some kind of a severe trauma. Mental illness you had to endure some kind of a severe trauma. Pop culture also defines OCD sufferers as being all about organization, cleanliness and doing certain things. A number of times I allegedly didn't fit the bill.
Speaker 2:Sure, I had some compulsions, but there was no specific number. Sometimes I checked things twice, sometimes five. If there was someone in the house to whom I could delegate the responsibility, I didn't check at all. Then there was the gene thing. Sure, my grandmother had gone through severe depression when I was a kid, but she had suffered through a horrible marriage I didn't consciously recognize. My mother was very obsessive and compulsive about many things I didn't know. My uncle had been officially diagnosed with OCD. In fact there had been barely anyone in the family who hadn't suffered from OCD or depression. My mom came clean about some of her more troubling thoughts and how my father's sister had been to therapy.
Speaker 2:I talked with my uncle about my OCD. At first he was just very sympathetic and supportive. So I started talking more and more about my situation and then he talked about his own diagnosis and my mother's own obsessive and anxious personality. As I was trying to adjust to my OCD diagnosis, I didn't even pay attention to my bipolar one, don't get me wrong. I clung to my doctor's every word on that subject and I tried every medication without missing a dose. I read about my condition. Tox therapy probably would have been beneficial, but it's not covered by my insurance. As my doctor and I slowly found a combo of meds that worked, I felt less like a monster and more like myself.
Speaker 2:But adjusting to the new situation and taking my mind off my frightening thoughts took more than the meds and therapy. As long as I was stable, I could give in to my manic side. I shopped till I dropped. I took Italian and met up with my friends. I worked on my stories. I talked to my parents openly and I took long walks.
Speaker 2:Feeling better, I convinced my parents to let me sign up for a semester abroad the following year. They were understandably anxious, but my psychiatrist agreed with me that it was a good idea. My school arranged for me to join the Erasmus Exchange program and I chose Norway for the ultimate adventure. The previous year I had already traveled abroad with my college friends to New York and Eindhoven, first abroad trips after my diagnosis. Those experiences had gone brilliantly. So I also hoped I would try for a month in Vancouver in summer. It would be a great trial run before I went to Norway Once again. Being abroad did wonders for me. The thoughts that there to come wouldn't linger. It was bliss.
Speaker 2:My first couple days in Halden, norway, were a little strange. It was late summer and I was by myself most of the time, since most students hadn't arrived yet. I went on long walks around the small town and I had the rare unwanted thought. But these were less invasive and less dangerous Stuff. Like what if I threw myself into this lake? It didn't even bug me because, a I knew I would probably not throw myself into the lake. B even if I did, I knew how to swim. And C I didn't want to embarrass myself in a new country.
Speaker 2:Then my friends arrived and I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone, including myself. It was one of the safest towns on earth. Most of my friends and and I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone, including myself. It was one of the safest towns on earth. Most of my friends and neighbors were lovely. I barely needed to study because I was only required to pass. It was as close to a perfect college freshman year as depicted in comedy movies. We partied, we traveled, we laughed. There was even the occasional romance.
Speaker 2:I stayed for another term. I took a semester worth of meds with me and I only needed to call my doctor once when my obsessive thoughts acted up again. It was the end of the year. My friends were leaving and I feared I wouldn't see most of them again. As my history proves to me over and over highly stressful situations and by stressful I mean losing things that are dear to me like my freedom, sense of belonging, health. Greatest friends I had made in a while make me feel like I'm drowning.
Speaker 2:I also had to return to a country that represented my illness. My country and most of the people living in it contributed to it. It felt suffocating. On many occasions I would go from doing what I wanted, when I wanted, with people who were like me, to many people who followed the fashion and crowded everything. So I cried and I bawled. I was scared of sharp objects. I was scared of myself again and invasive wet-ups made my stomach turn. So I called my parents, kept taking my meds and cried on the shoulder of my new friends who were still around. This kept me from getting worse until I got home.
Speaker 2:When I returned, I was a wreck for a while, but after I met up with other friends who had spent time abroad, I realized we were going through similar laws. We had to study a lot more answer. The worried parents and, worst of all, exist in a country that felt more restrictive each day. So from 2006 and 2007, we met up often to exchange phone stories while we tried to readjust. As long as I was busy physically, socially and professionally, ocd didn't affect me much. Sometimes I would forget I had it. I hadn't suffered my major anxiety crises in a long time. I was a happy, well-functioning and busy professional, unless I was sick. This is a vicious cycle.
Speaker 2:As years passed and I learned to juggle two freelance careers as a writer and a teacher. Most of the thoughts remained in the past. I mostly recognize them as a trick that the chemical imbalance in my brain plays on me. There are certain trigger words and events that can allow the disturbing thoughts to rush back in, but I can handle them. Even when I'm sick I use other distractions until I'm back to old, confident self again.
Speaker 2:I haven't talked about bipolar much because my cycles aren't that extreme. The mania, which I suspect is more hypomania, never has me do anything I will regret. My OCD isn't without benefits. In this regard, I am very conscious about safety and convenience, so I am never overspending or abusing a substance. Let's not talk about chocolate, though.
Speaker 2:The doses of medication have gone up and down over the years. We have mixed it up or changed it. I have been lucky about the side effects. Apart from the horrible depression when I was first adjusting, I've been fine. Of course I have put on a little weight, my sleep cycles are a bit messed up and I sweat too much, though we can probably attribute this to that medicated senior year and spending too much time glued to my laptop. For the most part, the initial panic and terror OCD has linked on me is a distant memory. Often I don't even have the thoughts, but I just vaguely remember that I had them. Even have the thoughts, but I just vaguely remember that I had them. My writing is going well and my biggest concern is that I might not make my Hollywood dreams come true. I am as content as they come, except that I still have to check the oven, water, electricity a couple of more times than the average person, and I can't live with that.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for reading that and for going back in time. What was that like for you?
Speaker 2:It was a little different. It was, in some ways, it's like oh, my god, this is me. I have been through this, and sometimes it was just like, oh, look look at this person's story. She has been through so much. Wow, you know what an adventure. It felt like somebody else's story, so it's very strange.
Speaker 1:Why do you think that is? Why do you think this is how you're feeling about it, that it's kind of a mix?
Speaker 2:I vividly remember everything that I wrote because you know, these were like okay, it was a long time ago, but it was a really long time period. During my senior year in high school, I was physically sick all the time. I always had a cold. I couldn't get my head up. I was heavily medicated, which I think contributed to the gastritis in college, which contributed to the OCD. But I also remember the good times, so I just remember I'm living through them. It's great, but also because I think I'm much better, it feels like somebody else's story and it's a good thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so even towards the end of this essay and this was again 2016, 2017, you said you know, I really don't think about it all the time, and now you're over here.
Speaker 2:Can you talk a little bit about what your life is like now in relation to your mental health? It's pretty good. A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine visited from abroad and high school friends don't have secrets. They all know about who sees what psychiatrist, who is on what medication and what those. And a friend of mine was telling me this. She has also suffered from anxiety and stuff like that. She was talking about this thing. She went through with her husband and boyfriend and my friend's like.
Speaker 2:He looks at me and he says are you sure you have OCD? Because I'm pretty much sure this is OCD like actually she doesn't have OCD, that's why he's joking about it. But nobody feels like I have anxiety, and including me, so that's a good thing. I have anxiety, like little things, like we are going to a podcast and I'm like, oh my god, what if I have to use the bathroom or what if there's a tech glitch. But I think that's the kind of anxiety everybody has. At this point I'm not sure people without that kind of anxiety exists, or if they are normal.
Speaker 1:To be honest, Right, exactly, if you weren't amped up in some kind of way about this, maybe that would be a problem. And the fact of the matter is so we talk about mental health challenges and mental illness as like okay, well, what are some of the defining criteria? And it's like well, if what you're experiencing impedes your ability to do everyday tasks right. And so if you were having those thoughts about the podcast and then you messaged me and you were like Gabe, I'm sorry, I can't do it, I just can't do it. Because what if I have to go to the bathroom? What if there's a glitch and you just bailed, right, but you're able to have those thoughts and then soothe yourself to the point that here you were right. Here's the prize.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm going to see Gabe Yay.
Speaker 1:Exactly, and I mean you know who wouldn't want that in their life. You know you can get through any kind of anxiety if the if the reward at the end is is seeing me. Obviously it's so wonderful to see you like, bright and vibrant and and not um, not wrestling with these mental health challenges, and some of them may still exist and some of them are kind of on the back burner, not to make a point about the stove and checking the stove. But, like you, I guess the overarching message here or you can tell me if this is what it is, but it's these things may never fully go away, but you can live with them and live really great lives. So I mean, I don't know, is that accurate for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. Most of the time I feel like I am so normal and I don't mean it as a disrespect to anyone, but again, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, of course I can't believe this person is treating this other person this way, like what's wrong with you, like why don't you do some work on yourself so that you can be a decent person to other people? So there's that. So it's good to feel that way, to feel like yourself, to feel like you're happy and you can enjoy things, sometimes more than other people can enjoy things, which is great.
Speaker 1:I guess you know, the question that I have at this point is and this maybe relates to a little bit of the anxiety, but this is how my brain works when things are going well, I always find myself going oh fuck, when is everything going to fall apart? Things are going really well right now. When is the sky going to fall down? And I'm curious, if you have thoughts like that, that, okay, my symptoms really are manageable and under control, I'm doing really great, I'm feeling really good. Do you ever get that thought of like, oh my God, when is this going to end?
Speaker 2:Not necessarily, but I think that if it happens, I can tell myself that it will pass, because it has, because after I wrote the essay and I was really in a good place but then something happened and I had this relapse and then it went away like after a week or maybe even less than that. And then it went away like after a week or maybe even less than that, and I just remind myself that I know what triggers it, so I stay away from it. I am a little bit okay.
Speaker 2:People who don't know what I've been through might consider this toxic positivity, but it's not. It's okay to be feeling whatever you're feeling, but if you are feeling extremely anxious or depressed or if you want to rant negatively about your life for hours, I'm not the person to go to, because I'm like an emotional sponge. I feel every bit of negative thing and it comes back to bite me, you know, as a stomach condition, as a sleepless night. So it's like, okay, you need to go to a therapy or you need to talk to another friend. I mean, I can listen to problems, but I can't be your therapist.
Speaker 1:So I'm really good at boundaries, which is one of my coping methods, and that's huge. And I mean, I think that a lot of people who are public about their mental health challenges run the risk of being and I really don't want to say the word used, because I don't think that's what people are doing, but maybe the word is being treated as a mental health support, like, okay, so you were open about your condition. That means that you're a safe person, which you are right, which means that I can then go to you, which I think everybody who is public about their mental health challenges has to make a decision about. Am I okay with that? And if I am okay with that, how much of that am I okay with? And am I okay with saying not right now, I'm not in a place to handle this right now, or I can only handle this much, and then doing a warm handoff, saying I love you, I care about you, but I can't be this for you?
Speaker 1:I think you need to talk to X, y or Z, whether it's another person or it's a crisis line or it's something else. Right? Because, like I said earlier, the load that you're carrying, that we're all carrying, is really, really heavy. It is, even if it feels light at times, you've still got it right, yeah. So I think it's really important and very, very valuable that you're able to make that call to really protect yourself.
Speaker 2:Plus, if I'm a mess, you turn me into a mess. You can't come back to me again, so me being healthy works for you either way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm just so glad that we had this chance to catch up with you and find you in such a good place. It's so wonderful and such a gift. So thank you, pinar.
Speaker 2:Thank you, it's been a pleasure, as always.
Speaker 1:Before we go, I want you to let people know where can they find you and your creative works.
Speaker 2:So I'm on Amazon. If they type my name and surname, they can find my novels and my nonfiction guides, and I run a writing blog called Addicted to Writing, and if they go to writingpinartharhancom they can find me. Everything is there Newsletter, books, updates, posts.
Speaker 1:Wonderful and, of course, they can find your essay and your film on our website, and the film, of course, is on our YouTube channel, and I'm just so grateful to you. Thanks for being here.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you again for joining us in conversation today. It's beautiful to see the progression of our contributors. It was so wonderful to spend some time with Pinar Tarhan, easily the coolest author in Istanbul, turkey. If you want to find out more about Pinar, you can visit the site writingpinarcom. You can also find her romance novels on amazoncom and her essay and film on our website. Thanks so much to Pinar for taking some time with us today. Before we leave you, we want to remind you to check out our website, recoverydiariesorg. There, like this podcast, you'll find additional stories, videos and content about mental health, empowerment and change. We look forward to continuing to grow our community. Thank you so much for being a part of it. We wouldn't be here without you. Be sure to join our mailing list so you never miss a podcast episode, essay or film. I'm Gabe Nathan. Until next time, take good care.
