Surviving Suicidality in a Wonderful World: Javier Ortega-Araiza | RDID; 205

Javier Ortega Ariza is a compassionate, sensitive writer who has published two essays with Recovery Diaries, including his moving and powerful essay “Surviving Suicidality To Live In A Wonderful World” which explores a "last walk" he took after deciding to die by suicide, and his beautiful decision to stay. Javier reads this essay aloud on this compelling episode of our podcast, "Recovery Diaries in Depth", which explores men’s mental health, suicidality, hope, resilience, and the bravery of mental health storytelling. Javier and Gabe are two men who have personal experience with contemplating suicide and this intimate and vulnerable conversation is well worth hearing, and sharing. 

Javier sees writing as "exposure therapy"; going to uncomfortable places in his writing to share hope and connection with others. There is a gentleness about him that is undoubtedly the result of how he has decided to view the world; as wonderful and hopeful. He is challenging self-critical voices in his head and working through doubt and fear every day, and helping others do the same. 

In his discussion with Gabe, Javier reflects on what has helped him get and stay healthy; therapy, boundaries, ho‘oponopono, and the not-quite-cinematic text message that arrived mid-walk to remind him of the work and the love that keep him here. Returning to San Miguel years later, he carries the same streets but different eyes, proof that healing isn’t linear and growth can coexist with grief.

Javier is a living, breathing reminder that, if you stay, your life can change in ways you never dreamed possible. This important conversation should be shared with anyone you know who may be struggling, and anyone you know who appears, like Javier did when he was at his darkest, to have it all, and may very well be struggling in silence. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help more people find stories that keep them here.

Conversations like the ones on this podcast can sometimes be hard, but they’re always necessary. If you or someone you know is struggling, please consider visiting wannatalkaboutit.com. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call, text, or chat 988.

https://recoverydiaries.org/

Transcript

Welcome And Mission Of Recovery Diaries

Gabe Nathan 0:00

Hello, this is Recovery Diaries in Depth. I'm your host, Gabe Nathan. Thanks so much for joining us. We're very happy to have you here. We are so happy to have on the show today Javier Ortega-Araiza. He's a writer, storyteller, digital nomad, and serial entrepreneur, as well as a competitive tennis and pickleball player currently living in Mexico. Each week, we'll bring you a recovery diaries contributor, folks who have shared their mental health journey with us through essay or video format. We want to see where they are on their mental health journey since initially being published on our website. Our goal is to continue supporting our diverse community by having conversations here on our podcast to follow up and see what has shifted, what has changed, and what new things have emerged. We're so happy to have you along for this journey. We want to remind you to follow our show for new and back episodes at recoverydiaries.org. There, like the podcast, you'll find stories of mental health, empowerment, and change. You can also sign up for our mailing list there so you never miss a new podcast episode, essay, or film. And you can find this podcast pretty much anywhere you get your podcasts. We appreciate your comments and feedback about our show. It helps us improve, make changes, and grow. And of course, make sure to like, share, and subscribe. Javier, it is such a joy um to have you here on the show. Um thanks so much for being here.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 1:36

Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure to be here as well and uh looking forward to our conversation.

Why Men Rarely Speak About Mental Health

Gabe Nathan 1:43

And a conversation is what we will have, and a conversation about mental health, a conversation about suicide prevention, and uh uh about mental health storytelling in general um from the perspective of a man. And I I want to start with that because uh our mental health publication, it's been around for a long time. It's been around since 2013. And we, as you know, we get submissions, essay submissions from all over the world. And the overwhelming majority of them are written by uh females. Um and I my eyes kind of always light up when I get an essay written by a man because I think you know, there are precious few men out there who feel comfortable uh opening up about mental health, uh about speaking publicly, about things like suicidality. Um and I feel like there's still a stigma um surrounding men in mental health, and I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings about that.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 2:56

Yeah, absolutely. So I think as you say, it is, you know, as uh as males, sometimes, depending on the environment we grow up in, we're highly conditioned to suppress our feelings or to quietly carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, if you will. But I think as somebody who has dealt with these challenges firsthand at different stages of my life, I can say that what really helped me get through them was opening up and and and just, I mean, doing it some way or another, whether through writing, whether through talking about it with people I trust. Because, you know, there are when I've been in those places in my life, there were I think maybe three stories of people who unfortunately committed suicide and really hit me. And they were all male. You know, one was David Foster Wallace, another one was Anthony Bourdain, and another one was Gary Speed. And I think those three great uh people who were great at what they did, you know, there were people who I aspired to be, you know, one was a genius writer, the other one was one of the best footballers managers in the UK, and the other one was a travel host, you know, three things that exemplify three dimensions in my life. And it's like, how can this guy seemingly have it all? And yet they're carrying a burden that maybe I I I don't know who realized around them that what they were carrying. And I think for a long time that was the case with me. You know, people would look at my life and it's like, you have everything. How can you say you're struggling? But you know, it's it's because we have that conditioning that says, well, you need to perform or you need to, you know, just take the burden and and and deal with it. And I mean, maybe once we start dealing with it internally, it's it's better at least. And it helps it's a process that eventually guides us to open up. But how many people don't ever deal with it? So so I I hope that you know, by putting the story out there, all the people will have the courage to, you know, at least take a look at what's going on in their life, and and and maybe that changes the trajectory of of their lives as well.

Gabe Nathan 5:24

So I know that it will, and I know that it does. And the the your essays, you and you have two on our site, one specifically dealing with suicidality, and that's the one that we're going to really focus on today. But I I know for a fact that these essays help people because I'm lucky enough to receive comments and to receive feedback and to receive affirmations

Inner Monologues, Anxiety, And Tennis

Gabe Nathan 5:50

of the work that we do from other people out there who are reading these. And they're almost like um, you know, when you when you uh take a dandelion and you blow it and those wisps go out everywhere. That's what these essays are to me. That's how I look at them. They're just these little wisps going out into the ether for someone to grab one, right? And they're finding a little nugget of uh hope there. Um and that's it's uh it's so important and it's so special what you're giving to people um through coming forward and speaking openly. And I don't know. I just really feel like uh people opening up is what helps move the needle. Um it's what helps change uh the conversation, or even just start the conversation, even if the conversation is just happening inside uh of someone's own head. And I that's where I think that's where it starts, right? Um how you're talking to yourself about what you're feeling. Um I can tell you that I have a very self-abusive uh monologue that goes on in my head. Dumb fuck, you fuck up, you fucked it up, you you know, uh you're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're an imbecile. I mean, and it's like uh it's non-stop, it's relentless. And part of why I uh uh went to therapy was to try to uh change that uh uh monologue a little bit, um, to soften it a little bit, to try to challenge those thoughts. And I I would love to hear from you. I don't know what's your monologue like in your in your head. And uh obviously it's changed at different times in your life, um, but I would love to hear about like how do you talk to yourself?

Javier Ortega-Araiza 7:45

Yeah, of course. That's that's that's always a good question. I think from my end, uh and it has changed over time, as you say, and and I think one of the things that it's actually in one of the essays I wrote, the other essay about tennis, and I think playing tennis, among other things, is something that really helped me change my internal monologue actually, and to find or to even eliminate it at times, you know, like to try to be in the moment, try to be present. But I think if I look back, I I would say that the worst part of the monologue for me when it came down to it was the fear of having done something wrong. Uh it was uh whatever I said, whatever I did, because you know, when we grew up in a way that reactions are unpredictable, that we don't know what triggers something, then we're always, oh, did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Is this person angry? Did I mess up whatever? So it almost becomes like this uh need to double-check everything, triple-check everything, and and and it can trigger a lot of uh of anxiety. And as I said, there are various ways in which I've I've I've worked on it, but tennis is is is is is has been one of the greatest ones because you're on the court, you have no escape unless you run away from the court and you don't want to do that when you're a mid-match. You have no choice but to face it. And you have to remember that you can be having you know a terrible day, but in one or two points you can turn around. And and that's really a little bit like life. You know, you can be wondering all the things you did wrong. But then the same day, it's like there's no need to just hit the reset button, you know, which is I think what I was so so conditioned to do. Um so yeah, I mean, I would say that that was the main inner monologue. Like, did I do something wrong? That was a question that was terrifying. Uh yeah.

Gabe Nathan 9:51

And uh and it's so it's so easy to obsess over that and make up stories. Um, I I know this person's angry at me. Oh, I didn't get an email back from this person in an hour. They must be angry with me. I must have offended them. I must have put my foot in my mouth. I mean, I like you're you're speaking my language, shall I say? It's hard.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 10:16

Yeah, because especially when there's a lack of immediate or short-term validation that you didn't do wrong, it's easy to fall for the assumption that you did. And most of the times we're wrong, actually. We didn't do anything wrong. I mean, if you think about it, I mean, people are busy, they're living their lives, they don't get back to you because And they're not always thinking about you.

Gabe Nathan 10:40

And my my mother, who loves, which is always good for a zinger, she'll always say, Gabriel, you're not that important. And it's that's true. Like we we're the star of our own story, right? We're the main character. But

Writing As Safe Practice And Public Exposure

Gabe Nathan 10:55

in everyone else's story, they're the main character, and they have a lot of shit on their mind, and they are not constantly thinking about you. Um, and it's actually really good to remind myself of that. Um, that whatever I said or did probably doesn't have as big an impact on another person as I'm imagining it does.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 11:16

Yeah, and I think that's been amplified in today's world, you know, with the expectation of instant responsiveness that everybody seems to have. Or not everybody, but a lot of people, you know, they're like, oh, well, if I don't respond right away, I've been on the receiving end of that too. Like, did I say something wrong? Are you hanging? And and you know, the reality is we all have our rhythm, we have things to do, we have uh and most of the times I think what has helped me actually is to look at the situation the other way around. When I when I see somebody requiring that validation of uh to let them know that they didn't do anything wrong, then I think to myself, well, I've actually been on the other end plenty of times. So am I really angry? Well, the answer is no, man, not really. I mean, I'm just busy. So I think if we look at at things the uh the other way around, it helps us realize, okay, maybe this is just a mind going on overdrive, but it it takes time and and definitely, I mean, especially if it's a pattern that's deeply ingrained, it's it's something that, you know. But but yeah, I mean, it's important to work on it. That's that's what I would say, because 99% of the time we didn't do it anything wrong, and and it's just our our mind trying to make up for it based on uh on trauma, really.

Gabe Nathan 12:40

So yeah, and anxiety. Um what if, what if, what if I fuck out what if I did it and you can what if yourself to death uh really. Um I I I want to talk about um writing as a as a form of of self-expression and kind of wrestling with uh those ideas and those anxieties and like those what-ifs and and kind of making it uh uh a little bit more constructive rather than just kind of obsessively wringing your hands, but like maybe sitting down to write. And I I want to talk about your uh experience with writing. Um how did you get interested in it and when did you start moving in a direction where you wanted to use writing to explore mental health issues?

Javier Ortega-Araiza 13:32

Yeah, well, I think I've all I've always written. It didn't become a a second career for me, let's say, until 2020, so roughly when you know I I came from the travel world and the travel industry hadn't really gotten back to its feet. So I I started exploring that. But I've always written, you know, as a kid, I would write, imagine things. Uh and it was a natural way for me to process stuff, and it was a natural way for me to to deal with whatever. And what I've found lately actually through a project I'm working on right now is that it can also be a a way in which you're rewriting your story in real time, let's say. And what I mean by that is, I mean, um been creating a f uh a fiction work, you know, because for the years where I was fully merced in my writing career, or a lot of my creative projects really were put on on hold for a little bit. I could only write so much and I had some some great assignments that led me to to learn a lot actually. But I think right now it's been very interesting because as I'm writing this this book, it's the character is obviously based on some uh status of my life, some of aspects of my life. And it's been really cathartic actually to to write the story and to put it in you know in a in a way that helps me process it. And and I think I mean for me writing the main thing really self-awareness. I would say it it it's especially for people who like I used to have this fear that everybody around you is judging you. It's one of the first safe places in which you can start to develop that self-awareness because it's there's nobody there, it's just you and the page. So you can put it down, you can say whatever you want. Uh I mean now with tools like we have AI and all that, it can really help you structure a lot of stuff. And, you know, it it's uh nobody's gonna judge you. So actually just putting that into practice can get you to the point where you realize, well, maybe those people around me aren't judging me either. You know, I just have to give myself permission to really realize how I feel and what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about, and and you know, which maybe if I was afraid all the time, I didn't even get that far. So I would say writing is a great first step in that in that direction and and a very deep one, by the way.

Gabe Nathan 16:24

It's so interesting to hear you talk about writing in that way. And it's something that I love so much, and I've always done it as well. And I've always looked at it as uh a safe place uh to uh express myself, to explore what's painful, what's funny, uh what's devastating um about uh

Suicide Risk, Stigma, And Firearms

Gabe Nathan 16:50

uh my own life or about life in general. Um I've always found it exciting. Like when I sit down to write, I often don't know what's gonna come out, and I'm I'm excited to find out. Um and it is it is cathartic. Um but like here's the thing uh about something that you said. So you were talking about judgment and this uh this fear that everybody's judging you and that writing is this place where nobody's gonna judge you because it's this solitary thing, right? It's it's just you and the page. But what happens when you put it out there, then you're kind of giving the work to the public, to anyone. And there can't there is judgment there. Um so how do you how do you square that? How do you cope with that?

Javier Ortega-Araiza 17:39

Yeah, that's a a really interesting question because I I actually think if I'm if I've been able to get to the point where I really don't care what people think about me, because I really don't, not anymore, is thanks to writing. I just think I published so much over the stretch of years, maybe five, six, seven years. That I it's like, well, uh a lot of my life became an open book. And maybe some stories are not out there anymore, maybe some are, you know, some are in print. But it just it was like enough exposure therapy, if you will, call it that way. That is just that it just taught me how to be open enough to the point where I where I couldn't care less. And I was terrified at the beginning. It's like, no, how am I gonna put that out there? What are people gonna think? What are, you know, all those things we think about. And I think, yeah, writing was actually the best, the best process to get there. Because and and and that was when some some friends asked me, is this just put it out. You know, the pe the the people who really care about you, love you, are going to actually be delighted that they can learn more about you. And they're going to see uh how they can support you. And the rest I mean, why would you give emotional control to anybody else? You know, and and uh again, I mean, just and you know what? Like I I'm actually gonna add this because I think if I had only published in my own channels, it would have been easy for me to delete them. And say, okay, no, there's no way you can trace me now. But I publish with so many outlet media that a lot of things I have no control over what happens to them. And that and and and and accepting that and just kind of relinquishing that desire to control that narrative. I think it was very powerful. I I think it was like a great way to get from being terrified of putting myself out there to, okay, well, I'm there. What's next?

Gabe Nathan 19:52

And what an evolution. Um, because there can be such fear about giving a creative thing, giving control. of that over to an editor or a publisher or to the public. But you really

Opening Up, Boundaries, And Therapy

Gabe Nathan 20:09

went on a journey where you found you were able to uh wrestle with that internally and grow and evolve and be comfortable and confident and just say, here's here it is. Take it or leave it. And I that's just it's so wonderful. And I'm so glad that you found us um and that you gave us two beautiful pieces that have meaning and resonance and that are hopeful and helpful. And I don't know it just it just means a lot to me. So I just wanted to thank you for that.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 20:50

No and thank you. I mean I I I appreciate the space. I I you know and and I think you built a great community and and hopefully as I was saying the right people will see them and the right people will resonate with them just as I have with other people's work and and that's what we can do.

Gabe Nathan 21:08

Did you have any trepidation about coming to us for the first time um with a piece about your mental health?

Javier Ortega-Araiza 21:16

Do you remember what that was like for you not not really because it was very like a stream of consciousness based and I just knew I knew what just because I was going through it at that point in time I just needed to to put it out there. Like I just knew it would help me. I just knew it would uh I guess maybe in the backbone I didn't think okay what will people think or whatever but no I just knew it was the right thing to do. And and it's one of those pieces that come to you you know like it happened to me actually not too long ago with a I also write lyrics for music and I was just walking around and I stumble upon this scene and I get home and I feel the need to write a song based on that scene that unfolded. And I sent it to a friend of some musician and it was a very serendipitous thing where it was directly related to an album he was working on. And it you know if I hadn't listened to it and taken time to do it and this great collaboration and and and and and beautiful piece that resulted wouldn't have happened. And I think it was very similar actually it was just something that served its purpose and it it was easier to do it than to not do it. You know what I mean?

Gabe Nathan 22:46

And I'm I'm glad that you did and it's it's talking about something that we need to talk about uh as as human beings and as men in particular. And I'm talking about suicide and and you know related to that we know that men um are three times as likely than women to die by suicide. And part of the reason for that is they're more likely to use firearms, which of course if you're uh using a firearm you're probably not going to come back from that. So the the outcome is going to be more fatal um most of the time. And the we just need to be talking about it. And I was thinking about the three suicides that you mentioned um at the top of the show and what you were saying about them that you know these guys appear to have everything and you know how could uh how could suicide have touched them? And I guess a takeaway that I wanted to touch on is that mental illness, depression, suicide doesn't give a shit about how much money you have in the bank. It doesn't give a shit about how handsome you are or what kind of car you drive or who you're in a relationship with. None of that stuff matters because the truth is about suicide is that nobody is invincible and everybody anybody can be at risk for taking their own life no matter what their lives look like on paper or or what their forward facing life looks like on social media or or whatever. It can happen to any of us. And that's that's one thing that I wanted to be sure that I said about suicide here. And I I'm curious to hear from you about from your life experience and your perspective what do you what do you want

Reading: Surviving Suicidality To Live In A Wonderful World

Gabe Nathan 25:01

people to know about suicidality about feeling suicidal about that mindset. What do you want to share about it?

Javier Ortega-Araiza 25:11

You never know what somebody's going through um so it's always better not to judge and it's always better to if you have an issue with someone ask thoughtful questions and see if you can get to the situation especially if it's somebody you care about. But on the other hand you know from the side of the person who's going through it who's been through it you know I mean uh so I said before one of the times it happened to me when I was not thinking about like a I was pretty serious if somebody looked at my life from the outside it's like how can this guy be going to that you know I mean you know lives in a beautiful apartment seemingly has everything figured out you know young prodigy whatever and I was still thinking of jumping off that building in that apartment and I and I think if I could you know talk to that person of myself or and to anybody who's going through that because I I have had people in my life who have gone through that. Uh I would say that there are people who care about you more than you think. And it's very hard to open up and it's very hard to let them in and it's very hard to you know because if we've gotten to that point it's usually because we built plenty of walls that uh but you know slowly we can demolish those walls if you will but it's not it doesn't happen overnight. But you know one one day at a time we can realize that we can actually integrate I guess different aspects of of our life and we can see that maybe at least a considerable part of the narrative we were forming in our head that led us there wasn't actually true. Yeah um and I mean I would definitely I had a great therapist who helped me a lot over a period of time and I was very lucky to find her and you know and I it it w it was a process. I I'm not gonna say it was easy. It requires us to really let uh again another clichib let go of of our ego and you know whatever we think was so great or you know whatever but it's it really takes work. But I I I think you know I thought I was alone and I realized I'm not and I think if more people could find it out and you know even find a little bit of a a respite through a book through you know a council through an essay through an essay hopefully for instance yeah I mean I remember there was a book called uh you may have read it uh Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig and he talks about this when he went through you know and and just little nuggets of wisdom really of somebody going through a very hard time and can read something like that and realize okay well I'm not the only one going through this I'm not so that's why I guess it's very important to share this story is because it's you know we don't know what what's behind people's minds and and hearts and you know and and we may see somebody very very famous or that we admire but they're struggling and and when when when the conversation opens up I mean in the tennis world for instance so many top players have talked about the mental issues yeah and I think it's so important that they do because it you know if you're a young player starting out and you think oh I want to kill myself I'm not the best or I don't want to do this anymore. And in any field really well I mean what does that really tell you in the grand scheme of things?

Gabe Nathan 29:33

And and does it is it really a life of that or that matter so and the more people who are talking the more the conversation gets normalized and the more people go, oh okay it's it's okay to talk about this because so and so who I admire is talking about it. It's okay to feel this way it's okay to give voice to my feelings. And it it's the entire reason behind why we do what we do. It's it's literally the whole reason so that people don't feel like they're alone. So that they can pull up that they they can pull up these essays and go, oh my God, Javier, oh my God, Miriam oh my God. They're all of these people who are literally telling their stories so that other people can say aha them too. It's not just me. And um and your your comment about uh walls about how you know when we get to the point where we're thinking about taking their own life, we've probably built a lot of walls around us. And I think uh if I think about the reason why and I have definitely done this in my own life um I built walls uh under the delusion that it's to protect myself. But really uh when you build walls, you're keeping people out, people who care about you. And it's only when the wall comes down uh that people can come to you and love

Looking Back, Grief, And Growth In San Miguel

Gabe Nathan 31:05

on you and and let you know what you mean to them. If the wall is up you're not going to be able to receive any of that. You're gonna be inaccessible. Um and that's a real tragedy because there are people like you said there are people who care um there are people who want you to stay yeah absolutely absolutely um and I I can't think of a better lead in um to your essay which I'm I'm so proud to have on our site um it is called surviving suicidality to live in a wonderful world and I would love to hear you read it in your own voice.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 31:49

It is a wonderful world I said to myself on what I thought would be my last walk. It had only been a few minutes since I had last thought of ending my life I had prepared my home for my suicide and set myself ready to find peace on the other side whatever that meant. I found relief in the prospect of my spirit going back to where it belonged while my body suffered the effects of my lethal method of choice. Before I did that however I wanted to go under one last round of appreciation for the world I thought I'd leave behind. This had not been the first time. A few years before then I sat on the edge of my balcony up on the 47th floor on one of Toronto's Ritzy glitz skyscrapers anything could have knocked me down a strong gust of wind, one erroneous move, a gentle slide. I was inches away from plummeting, from transforming hopes and dreams into broken bones, torn muscles and eventually scattered ashes. I recalled at Toronto night during that last walk I also remember the many times I nearly died unintentionally like in a horrendous car accident at 16 where the police officers who attended scene exclaimed how surprised they were that I had immersion scatter. My several episodes with substance abuse and its correspondent reckless behavior even if I seem to have accomplished a lot at a short age there's still a part of me that seems keen on self-sabotaging. Occasionally though it is the light that wins I didn't kill myself that afternoon coming home after that walk and that is the starting point. People I've spoken with say that when we're about to die we regain the capacity to law purely all of our fears resentments skill trips we shed them they fall away in the face of death I found that to be very true. Since I was a kid I have been highly sensitive. I absorb the energies of those around me and when harnessed properly these qualities are a wonderful asset. They can help us heal and be the healer the problem was I didn't know how to harness them properly likely because there was nobody around me that had learned how how or what to do with that with their sensitivity to energy. So how could they teach someone to do what they didn't know how to do themselves I can't blame them but because of this I absorbed the values of the society around me. I wanted to be accepted so I picked up the cues of what being accepted would mean I clung to what everybody expected of me which had always had to be perfection and as a result engaged in people pleasing behaviors. I didn't know what boundaries were so it didn't occur to me that I had the right to set any how can I know what I don't know I don't know about. As a result nothing I did was enough. By the age of 25 I had built a seven figure business I had traveled the world and made many friends around it.

Practical Steps: Journaling And Small Moves

Javier Ortega-Araiza 35:10

I was seen as a rising star with bucket loads of talent in every front athletic, artistic and entrepreneurial and yet I never felt satisfied I ended up losing my business due to poor decisions, partnering with the wrong people, not leading from within but leading to create an image I wanted others to have of me and this led me to be in deep death. When it came to my personal life it wasn't any better. I ended up in a codependent relationship where I was afraid of speaking up for my needs and instead I switched the pain with paid sex, alcohol and other substances. I was Jacqueline Hyde, seen as the wise imperturbable Buddha yet inside I was falling apart and I headed out to my balcony to let my body catch up with what already was my spiritual condition. Inside I was already dead sometime after that strange mystic force persuaded me to walk back to safety I found a business card in one bag that I was about to discard. It said something about healing and for some reason the energy of the card spoke to me I decided to email this person and for the next three years she became a therapist. It wasn't always easy as somebody that had grown with consistential perfectionist attitude learning that I had issues that I needed to work on was a tough pill to swallow but as the adat says uh the only way was through since I was a child I had a feeling that I might have a certain degree of clarity. My confidence would have been flow sometimes I was on top of the world where while other times I couldn't bring myself to do anything. This became more evident as I became a competitive tennis player as a teenager. I could play tremendous matches pull out unexpected comebacks and I won several doubles tournaments by taking the lead and inspiring whoever was my partner however I was also capable of having complete meltdowns. I remember collapsing mid-match, unable to stop my mind and either exploding in anger or simply succumbing to indifference the same way a few professional players throw the towel nowadays. Why did sometimes I have the energy to do anything, to overcome any feet while other days I could hardly get out of beding with my therapist helped me accept these swings as part of who I was and to love myself not despite it but because of it. Working with her I learned about boundaries about self-love about how to accept myself and let go of harmful people pleasing patterns. The following three years carried a lot of deep work a significant amount of tears of anger and of letting go of previously in processed pain. That work I did with my therapist led me on the path of self-love growth and healing and then I began to do the work by myself. I developed a routine where I journal meditate and engage in the practice that has largely saved my life which is the hopanopono. The hope is a practice developed by Hakuna Morna Simeona in Hawaii

Closing Gratitude And Community Invitation

Javier Ortega-Araiza 38:30

and it revolves around reconciliation and forgiveness. It's based on four mantras I'm sorry please forgive me thank you I love you through which we restore ourselves to our original state a state of zero a state of love it has been this practice that has also allowed me to live one day at a time shortly after my journey with my therapist came to an end I met my girlfriend it was the first conscious relationship I had together we did a lot of deep healing working together on books like Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson and Getting the Love You Want by Horbel Hendricks and Helen McKelly Hunt through her I learned how to be vulnerable with another person and how to let go of my previously codependent patterns to forge a relationship where two independent people can come together to thrive and help each other grow. My girlfriend also possesses deep intuitive qualities and it was her who texted me when I was halfway through on what I thought would be my last walk. It was not the typical Hollywood like savior message where somebody goes through an extreme sacrifice to save somebody else because that is not what true love is about. True love as I learned through this relationship is about loving ourselves and others about doing the work we need to do on ourselves so we can help the healing process of Those around us. It was this that she reminded me of the importance of the work I was doing and how it helped the world, mostly because I was willing to face my challenges and grow my soul. On that last walk, I was marveling at everything I saw. The birds, the docks, the clouds, the trees, the way certain leaves pile up on the sidewalks. I do live in a beautiful town, San Miguel de Allende in Mexico, where I came first four years ago. It is a town that has changed my perspective of life. And if it was supposed to be my last walk, how was I not going to enjoy for one last time its great breathtaking streets and views? For the first time in a while, I felt joy. What if I lived this way? I thought. Perhaps not everything would be so dreary. Perhaps I could find a way. And perhaps I could choose to live a little longer.

Gabe Nathan 40:59

Thank you so much for reading that. And thank you for choosing to live a little longer.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 41:05

Thank you. Thank you for giving providing the space and and you know. Yeah. I'm happy I did.

Gabe Nathan 41:13

What was it like to go back to that piece and that that time in your life?

Javier Ortega-Araiza 41:19

Yeah, well, it's it's very interesting that it happened just now because that piece was written in 2021, if I remember correctly. And that was one of the most difficult periods really of my life. Uh uh in you know, shortly after that I left San Miguel for a while. I moved to San Diego, lived three years in San Diego. And I just got back to San Miguel four months ago. Uh and it's been great. I had never been happier. So to see it and look back and see, I mean, what would have happened if only I had taken a decision? It's it's it's almost uh I mean, I've uh this past four months I've actually been in a period of deep growth, I would say. And I just think this happened at the right time for me to look back and appreciate and see, wow, I mean, it's really been a journey. Uh, and I'm happy to see, because sometimes when we go through something difficult, it's easy to hate the place where it happened, you know. And in my case, I moved so much. It's hard to hate the world. I mean, if you have a problem everywhere in the world, the problem is likely you, you know. So it's uh so to come back and and just find home here. No, in the same way I I have, I guess, everywhere I live, but just to to be in this state where I can read this and see, well, this this it's been uh an incredible journey, really, with a lot of ups and downs. But just to know that I'm here, to know that I'm happy, that I'm in a good place, it's it's actually a way of bringing that narrative full circle, if you will. Uh that on on one side, and and also, you know, uh on the other side, uh uh on another note. The person who was my my girlfriend at that time, who's somebody a little dealing, she passed away last year. Oh I'm sorry. Uh yeah, you know, I mean, we were best friends until you know we weren't together anymore, but we were best friends, and it's uh it's also a way to bring, you know, as a part of the of the grief grieving process, I guess, to remember those things in your life. Uh, but it's yeah, I mean, if anything, I would like this piece of somebody who's listening to say, well, you know, look at the look at where this person was four years ago. Number one is still here three years later. That's that's already something. And then to be in a good place, to be happy, to be building a business you like, to be building your life you like, to be around persons, uh around people you love. I mean uh uh it it it I I hope it serves that way. You know, I hope it serves as a as a way where somebody who writes their story today can look back at it in four years and say, Well, four years ago I was here. Look how far I'm and maybe you're in the same place geographically, or life gets you back there, you know, wherever you are. But it almost feels like you're in a different place because you have a completely different state of being.

Gabe Nathan 44:55

Yeah, you're seeing with new eyes. It may be the same streets and the same views and scenery, but it's you're different. So you're going to see things differently. And uh and this is why we bring people back. This is one of the core uh reasons why we started this podcast is because we would have these relationships of people, one essay, two essays, maybe three essays at the max. And then we wouldn't hear from people again. And uh so it left me wondering God, what's happening with so-and-so ever so-and-so wrote an essay in 2016. I wonder how they're doing. Now we get to know. You know, now we get to bring people back. And and you know, this is the first time I'm seeing you face to face. We worked on on your essays together, and like uh it's such a selfishly it's wonderful for me as someone who's been with this organization since 2014 to connect with our authors uh in a new way. Uh and I I just love that. Um and also to show people that yes, an essay or a film, it's a snapshot in time. And this is who this person was when we hit publish. And then their life keeps going. And, you know, we always say recovery is not linear, right? It's not just this slow trajectory up the mountaintop. And at the mountaintop, there's a flag that says recovery, and ah, I'm here. It's it's very up and down. And, you know, you used that phrase to describe the last four years. Um, and it's it's kind of incredible what you've what you've been through. And that's what we want to bring to people.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 46:41

Oh, thank you. And and again, thank you for I think it's a great idea to create this space for people to come back and share what's happened in their lives because it can it you know, time it can help so so many, so many people. Luke, okay, I read their essay, What Happened to Them. It's so it's great. Thanks. Thanks for creating this.

Gabe Nathan 47:05

That's my pleasure. And and it's it's just such a joy to have you here. And I guess if you if you had one parting thought for people out there who are struggling, especially men, um, they're struggling with that weight of the world on their shoulders, like you said earlier in the show, and um maybe contemplating suicide. Um, I just want to hear what you'd want to what you'd want to say to these folks.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 47:34

Yeah, I would say I mean take a little step. Start with writing down, if that helps, how do you feel? You know, use whatever tool you feel comfortable with to find help. Uh and gradually, I mean, especially even if you start journaling, writing, meditating, it will get you to the point where you can talk to people about it. It will, you know, it's like it it's hard to s to say, okay, I'm gonna solve my life tomorrow because then it's easy to give up. But if we start to make it intentional to okay, I'm uh I'm angry, I'm this, I'm that. Why is that? And it's uh uh if we start to unpack this whether through journaling, I mean, so I said there are many tools that can that can be of help and eventually ideally having you know the taking the time uh to have the conversations that matter because the people who care about you will listen. And you know, one tiny step at a time you look back and it's like, wow, I I look at all look at all I did, look at all the things that scared me that I did. And I and instead of trying to be the person behind the scenes who could handle everything, because that's I think how a lot of us have felt at some point in time, like, oh, you know, I'm alone, I need to maneuver around and take care of everything, you start to lean in, at least that's what happened to me. Um, start to lean in further into whatever your world is. And then everything that I thought I needed to hide or or or it starts to dissolve. And it just becomes a world where I'm more seen, where people are more where there's no longer that need to maneuver behind the scenes to say, oh, I have to take care of this without anybody noticing, because otherwise everybody will hate me, kind of thing. Well, no, it's not actually true. I mean, everybody you know uh we can quietly let but you know, gradually let go of that weight. We're caring. And I would say yeah, if if we're consistent about it, like even just writing what we f how we feel, writing down and taking action, you know, then and our lives can can really change.

Gabe Nathan 50:09

Yeah, and I think to to uh dovetail off what you were saying about thoughts in our head and our our perceptions, I think so often sometimes when people take their lives, they're succumbing to uh stories that they've told themselves. Um nobody would care if I was gone, everybody hates me anyway, all I do is fuck things up, um, people would be better off without me. All of these lies, they're just such horrible, destructive lies. And the more uh that we can change that narrative, um I think the the healthier we can be. Yeah, absolutely. Uh it was such a pleasure to have you here. Thank you so much for taking some time to talk to us. I really appreciate it.

Javier Ortega-Araiza 51:03

No, great to see you as well. Thank you for creating this space once again. And uh yeah, looking forward to listening to some more of the stories.

Gabe Nathan 51:10

My pleasure. Take good care. You as well. Thank you very much. Thank you again for joining us in conversation today. It's beautiful to see the progression of our contributors. Thank you so, so much to our guest today, Javier Ortega-Araiza, a writer, storyteller, digital nomad, and serial entrepreneur, and competitive tennis and pickleball player. We are so grateful to him for speaking to us from his home in Mexico. Before we leave you, we want to remind you to check out our website, recoverydiaries.org. There, like this podcast, you'll find additional stories, videos, and content about mental health, empowerment, and change. We look forward to continuing to grow our community. Thank you so much for being a part of it. We wouldn't be here without you. Be sure to join our mailing list so you never miss a podcast episode, essay, or film. I'm Gabe Nathan. Until next time, take good care of it.