Excuse Her While She Obsesses; Unpacking OCD with Manndi Maphies | RDID; 210

Manndi Maphies lives with obsessive compulsive disorder. It was undoubtedly present in her childhood, where she exhibited behaviors that could be perhaps described as "quirky" but her OCD caught fire following a miscarriage, followed by a new pregnancy. Manndi was, understandably, terrified that she miscarried because of something she "did", and she was absolutely not going to let that happen again; so OCD obligingly took over, letting Manndi know that she needed to compulsively wash her hands, be frightened of certain foods, watch every move she made... in order to keep her unborn child "safe." 

Fortunately, Manndi's doctor convinced her that medication, while it carried some small risks, might very well do less harm to her unborn child than her out-of-control OCD was doing, in the form of extreme stress, compulsive behaviors, and unmanaged anxiety. Manndi listened, and got help that helped.

In Manndi's wonderful essay, "Excuse Me While I Obsess; Learning to Manage my Lifelong Struggle with OCD", she writes about her mental health and her recovery. She has been through divorce, unexpected loss, and blending families, where stress briefly outpaced her tools. But Manndi doesn't fall apart; she regroups and she falls almost effortlessly into new seasons of her life, finding joy, creating and connecting. 

Manndi finds comfort in faith, humor, and community. She is using her voice and her writing to help others find hope and help. We are so grateful that she was our guest here on Recovery Diaries in Depth, and we are lucky to share her wisdom and kindness with you. 

If this conversation resonates, share it with someone who needs language for what they’re feeling, then subscribe, leave a review, and join our mailing list at recoverydiaries.org so you never miss new stories, essays, and films. 

Conversations like the ones on this podcast can sometimes be hard, but they’re always necessary. If you or someone you know is struggling, please consider visiting wannatalkaboutit.com. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call, text, or chat 988.

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Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Gabe Nathan 0:00

Hello, this is Recovery Diaries in Depth. I'm your host, Gabe Nathan. Thanks so much for joining us. We're very happy to have you here. We are very grateful to have as our guest for today Manndi Maphies. She is a mother and a writer. She loves writing about everything, from being a single mom and dating after divorce to miscarriage to the loss of a loved one, and starting over. Her writing is always filled with inspiration, encouragement, and a touch of humor. We're very happy to have on our site an essay Manndi wrote during COVID. The essay is called Excuse Me While I Obsess: Learning to Manage My Lifelong Struggle with OCD, which you'll be reading on the show today. Each week, we'll bring you a recovery diaries contributor, folks who have shared their mental health journey with us through essay or video format. We want to see where they are in their mental health journey since initially being published on our website. Our goal is to continue supporting our diverse community by having conversations here on our podcast to follow up and see what has shifted, what has changed, and what new things have emerged. We're so happy to have you along for this journey. We want to remind you to follow our show for new and back episodes at recoverydiaries.org. There, like the podcast, you'll find stories of mental health, empowerment, and change. You can also sign up for our mailing list there so you never miss a new podcast episode, essay, or film. And you can find this podcast pretty much anywhere you get your podcasts. We appreciate your comments and feedback about our show. It helps us improve, make changes, and grow. And of course, make sure to like, share, and subscribe. Manndi Maphies, thank you so much for joining me on Recovery Diaries in Depth. It's lovely to be talking to you.

Manndi Maphies 1:58

Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

Gabe Nathan 2:01

Um, this is a real pleasure for me, and it's kind of a unique experience because very, very often, and I don't know why it's kind of just worked out this way. Um, I so far have had as guests on the show almost exclusively authors who I've worked with on their essay as an editor, or just people from our past who I know really well. And I really don't know you very well. Um, I did not work with you as the editor on your essay. Um, the very talented and wonderful Laura Farrell did. Um, so can you just like tell me and our listeners a little bit about yourself? Who is Manndi?

Manndi’s Background And Writing

Manndi Maphies 2:39

Sure. Um, so I am from Southwest Missouri. Um, I have lived in Missouri my whole life. I am a single mother. I have two sons. Uh, one is a freshman in high school, one is a seventh grader. And um yeah, I started writing heavily during COVID because my work was uh made remote. And I was just, I just had a lot of time on my hands and I've always loved writing. And um, ever since then, I have really just kind of focused on that and I've become a freelance writer and I, I mean, I do have a day job, but writing is my passion. And, you know, they always say write what you know. And I know a little bit about OCD because I've struggled with it over the years. So I just I like to tell people my story in hopes of helping them maybe with theirs.

Gabe Nathan 3:32

Well, and I know that you do. I know that you help people um through telling your story. Um, and we're very grateful to have a piece of yours on our site, which I'm gonna ask you to read later in the show. Um, but I want to, you mentioned something in that introduction of yours. Um, you mentioned your son who's in high school. Yes. And if if I'm not mistaken, is he the one who lives with obsessive compulsive disorder also?

Manndi Maphies 3:57

He is. And at the time that I wrote the essay, he was 11 and he is now almost 16.

Parenting A Teen With OCD

Gabe Nathan 4:04

So I did some funky math in my head, which is not easy for me. Right. Um, but but so I would love to talk to you a little bit about your son and his experience and your experience being his mother, living with the same mental health challenge that he does. Um, I am a father, I have 14-year-old twins, and as of now, I don't know that they have inherited any of my mental health challenges anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Um, but that may manifest in the future, or something else may manifest in the future. And I'm just kind of curious to hear from you, parent to parent, um, what is it like for you navigating like his mental health challenges and the link between yours, um, and and just uh all of that aspect of parenthood for you?

Speaker 1 5:04

Yeah.

Early Signs, Counseling, And Medication

Manndi Maphies 5:05

So um Liam is my son's name, and he um he's I I kind of started thinking that he had these tendencies from a young age. I just I saw things that I recognized from my childhood, and my parents didn't necessarily realize what it was. And so I guess in a way it's kind of been a blessing to me because I did recognize it a lot earlier with him. Um just, you know, just being very anxious about things, very fearful, very nervous. Um, and I his dad and I got divorced when he was fairly young. He was like three. Um, so we did go ahead and get him into counseling when he was a little bit older when he started school and we started noticing some of these things. But um the particular anxiety in OCD came about a little bit later when he started getting involved in sports. He was just, he's he's he's kind of an obsessive person, which I consider myself obsessive as well. And in some ways, that's a wonderful thing. It's a blessing because when you do something, you do it very well, but you also don't truly enjoy it because because you're so obsessed with it. So um I just wanted him to enjoy his school years. Um, because I I really struggled through mine. And there's a lot more help now than there was when I was that age. And so um, throughout his sessions of counseling, we tried the behavioral modification um because we didn't want to put him on medicine too soon. Um, but it kind of got to a point where the counselor said, I think just a small dose would help. And it has. He's he went on the very smallest dosage possible and he's bumped up once, but it's still pretty small. Um, and it just, you know, it just kind of takes the edge off. It just it makes him enjoy life a little bit more, not take himself so seriously, not take sports and grades and those things so seriously, and just kind of have a little bit of a freedom to to enjoy life.

Gabe Nathan 7:08

So it's it is so wonderful, and like you said, uh a blessing that you were able to notice and have the context of your own experiences to think something might be going on here in a way that your parents were not able to do. And I guess it's a combination of things. It's the times, it's information available, um, stigma, any number of things I think can inhibit that. Um, it certainly inhibited my parents um in not understanding that there was something going on with me and that they they needed to do something. Um are you are you able to look at your own parents now with empathy for that inaction? Or, you know, how do you where do you put those feelings and that like desire? Like, God, you know, maybe I'd be in a different place if I got help earlier.

Manndi Maphies 8:07

Yeah, no, that's a great question. Um in some ways, I do wish that we had recognized it. And I say we because it's it's a it affects the whole family. You know, I'm an only child and I'm very close to my parents, so it affected us all. Um once we kind of found out what it was in going back, we realized that it is kind of a hereditary thing. And um other people in my life have struggled with it the same way I have. But it wasn't really talked about as much as it as it is today. And so, I mean, there's absolutely no blame at all. Um, truly, as a child, it wasn't as difficult as it was until I had a certain season in life as an adult that it really just kind of came to a head. So, um, yeah, I mean, do I wish that we would have noticed it as a kid? I do, but I think they did the best with what they knew. And just like I do, am doing the best with what I know now. And um, yeah, I mean, my parents, I have absolutely no complaints about my childhood. It was it was wonderful. We just kind of thought I was a little bit of a weird, quirky kid. And I'm still a little bit that way as an adult. Maybe you were, right?

Gabe Nathan 9:29

Like that yeah, you know the two aren't mutually exclusive. It can be both, right?

Speaker 1 9:34

Yeah.

Empathy For Parents And Stigma

Gabe Nathan 9:35

Um and I I mean, yeah, I definitely was as well, but there were other things going on there too. Um, but it's yeah, it's it's a lovely and affirming um thing to hear you look upon them with empathy and with understanding. Um, and and just, you know, yeah, things could have been different, but this is the way they are, and I know why. Um, and I think that's that's really lovely. And I I would love to hear from you a little bit about like people's perceptions of obsessive compulsive disorder in your life and what it's been like over the years to navigate how different people have looked at you, things that they may have said, um just different different reactions in your community. Um I just want to hear what that's been like for you.

Manndi Maphies 10:32

So I think once I finally got my head around the fact that this is something that I have, it's a chemical imbalance in my brain, and it just affects the way I do life. Um I I was a little more accepting. Once I was more accepting about it, I feel like other people are more accepting. But like when I first started talking about it, I felt like people looked at me like, you know, um, Bill Murray and what about Bob, you know, or something like that. I mean, a very kind of eccentric person that can't manage life day to day. Um, it's not something that you would notice probably about me. You would just think that I'm a pretty high strung type A person, which I am. Um, but it goes deeper than that. Um, it has also sort of changed forms over the years. When I was little, I would line my shoes up and they had to be perfectly lined under my bed. Or I would ruminate about thoughts, particularly spiritual thoughts. You know, I was gonna go to hell if I did a certain thing. Um, that has changed over the years and it kind of came to a head in my 30s when I had two miscarriages. And with subsequent pregnancies after those miscarriages, I was stricken by fear that I was gonna lose another baby. And so that is when the OCD sort of took a different form, and it became kind of more like your classic, I can't eat this, I can't do this, I have to constantly wash my hands, I can't be around sick people, I can't go outside my front door. So it kind of became more your garden level OCD the older I got. But as a kid, I don't think because my parents, I mean, being an only child, they paid a lot of attention to me, but I think it just kind of manifested itself in some ways that really didn't seem like an illness. It just seemed like, oh, that's just her personality.

How OCD Evolved Through Miscarriage

Gabe Nathan 12:24

Um when things started to get really out of control, and it's it's so it's part of what makes OCD and you know its accompanying twin anxieties so insidious because it takes something very real and it's like ah, you know, I'm gonna latch onto that and just munch on this and and spit you out. Um, because of course, after miscarrying, that fear is that's real. And you know, someone will do anything that they can to prevent that. And OCD is like, aha, let's party. Yes. You know. Um so when when that was getting really out of control and um coming into that, like you call it garden variety OCD. What were the what were the reactions of people around you? Were people trying to sound alarm bells for you? Did you know that this was happening? Were you cognizant of it? Um, you know, I did.

Manndi Maphies 13:27

Absolutely. When it was when it was at its height during my probably my first pregnancy after my first miscarriage. Um, because by the second time, I kind of I kind of knew what was going on and I knew what we needed to do. But that that first time, I didn't want to take any medication because I didn't want that to affect the baby. Um, and yeah, I mean, I knew that I was spiraling, but I didn't really know what to do about it. And um, you know, my my parents, my husband at the time, even my OB was like, this uh, your level of stress is gonna cause greater harm than a small dosage of medication. And so it was really hearing from a professional medical person that I was like, okay, maybe maybe they got something here. So, and it and it did, it helped tremendously. And as soon as I had the baby, I went back on my regular dose. And a a lot of the fears dissipated just because he was born, he was healthy, and you know, I was free from the fear of pregnancy because that's when I experienced the loss.

Gabe Nathan 14:38

It's just it's and obviously very grateful for that. It's it's just so interesting to me that it didn't that after your child was born, it didn't then continue into, oh my God, I've got to keep him healthy. I can't ever let him get sick, I can't ever let him get a cough. If someone sneezes down the street, I have to put up a barricade, you know. There wasn't any of that.

Spiraling, Medical Guidance, And Relief

Manndi Maphies 14:59

The medication was really I would say there was a little bit of that with with my first. Um, probably just first-time parent. I don't know how much of it was the OCD because I I was medicated to a point that it was a lot more manageable. Um, so yeah, there was definitely that. Um, I was scared to death that he was gonna get sick, that something was gonna happen. And then when my second came along, I was just kind of like this is we we've done this, we've been here, like he's good, you know, which is pretty typical with second-time babies. But um, yeah, I mean, I would say it definitely affected me as a first-time mother. Um but I at that point had the ability to deal with it. Had I not been on the medication, had I not known what we were dealing with and had the behavioral modification, I think it probably could have been a nightmare.

Gabe Nathan 15:50

Yeah. Um, in addition to medication, which it's just it's so wonderful that it's been working for you. And I'm I'm curious to hear, like after we read the essay, I'm curious to hear about like how what's your situation with medication now and is it working? Um, has therapy been a part of your recovery at all?

Manndi Maphies 16:08

It has. I've been in therapy on and off for several years now. Um, I went um, you know, obviously with the miscarriages and then the divorce. And then a few years after my divorce, I met someone that um we were a couple and planning a future, and he passed away unexpectedly. So that was also another difficulty to be able to do that.

Gabe Nathan 16:31

I'm sorry, Manndi.

Manndi Maphies 16:32

But at that point, I was already established with a therapist. I was not seeing him at the time, but I was able to get back in and hey, you know, we've hit a road bump here, like we need some help. So yeah, therapy, I'm not seeing anyone currently, but I know myself well enough to know that when a season is a little bit more than I can handle, that's that's one of my first calls.

Gabe Nathan 16:57

Yeah. I think I don't know. I think there's so many people out there who are like, oh, no, I shouldn't talk about this, or like I'm uncomfortable talking about that, or uh, what are people gonna say if I do you know what? Like as you know, life is too, too, too short and too, too precious to be afraid, yeah. Um, to be afraid of perceptions or or whatever it is that we're afraid of. People are gonna judge us, people are gonna do whatever. Um and I part of like my own personal struggle is obsessing about what are other people gonna think about X, Y, and Z. And the fact of the matter is, is that I have zero control over that. And it's been a long journey trying to force myself to accept that. It's really hard to accept because I want to control the narrative.

Speaker 1 17:54

Yeah.

Gabe Nathan 17:55

Um I do. And I just can't.

Therapy, Loss, And Knowing When To Return

Manndi Maphies 18:00

So well, I've I've definitely had people along my path say, How have you, because I've written about a lot of these seasons and things that I've gone through and they're just, you know, how can you put that out there? Like this is this is now that it's out there, like it it just is forever. But um I I feel like we are all given certain things to deal with in this life. And if we are able to manage them or overcome them or work through them, it's kind of our responsibility to maybe help others who are also struggling. And so I I take that very seriously. And I just feel like as a writer, I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna tell all, you know. I mean, the people that know me know my story and they're still here. So I guess the other people, if they don't appreciate it, it doesn't really matter. But I've had a lot of strangers reach out and and say thank you. That that really made me feel less alone, which is huge.

Gabe Nathan 18:57

Yeah. And I mean, I that is the entire reason that we do what we do here. That is the entire reason that we publish personal essays, because we know that they help people feel less alone. If you can read an essay by someone living with bipolar disorder in Poland or a schizoaffective disorder in Turkey or whatever, it's like, oh my God, that person too. You know, they're going through it also and they're they're moving through it and living with it. And if they can, I can. Um, and we we earnestly believe that, and it's why it's why we do this show. It's why we're grateful to people like you who say, I'm gonna step forward and I'm gonna talk, because not everybody can. Yeah. And that's okay. Um, because they're the readers, they're the watchers, they're the followers, they're the the commenters, the people who never comment, um, who we never ever hear from, but they're sitting there taking comfort from the experiences of people like you. And I just think that's so, so important. And I can't think of a better way to lead into a reading of your essay that we were so fortunate to have you share with us. It is called Excuse Me While I Obsessed, Learning to Manage My Lifelong Struggle with OCD. And I would love to hear you read it.

Why Sharing Stories Matters

Essay Reading: Managing Lifelong OCD

Manndi Maphies 20:20

Okay. Um Howie Mandel wrote a book that changed my life entitled Here's the Deal, Don't Touch Me, which was published in 2009. It chronicles his life as he diligently tries to create norms for himself while living with obsessive-compulsive disorder, coupled with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Basically, he obsesses over minuscule things and his mind creates compulsions to provide instant relief. However, his current unique brain chemistry will not allow the relief to be long-lasting. In fact, with each compulsion, he feeds the disease, which results in making it harder to fight the compulsions. It is a vicious cycle, one I know well, one my oldest son, who is 11, struggles with, thanks to me. We both struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I guess he cannot say I never gave him anything, but it turns out I gave him my own specialized, unique brand of crazy. OCD and other mental health disorders carry a burdensome stigma. It is my hope by being authentic that I can, even in a minuscule way, combat that stigma. Even if it is just for one person out there that feels alone, crazy, misunderstood, who's at their absolute wit's end with everyday life struggles. I have been there. I feel that pain. It sucks. While I have always had bizarre tendencies, my OCD did not fully spin out of control until after I experienced my first pregnancy loss nearly 13 years ago. Oddly, around the same time Howie Mandel's book came out, I had a post traumatic stress disorder reaction to the physical and emotional loss I suffered. My ability to cope with even the smallest things in life spun completely out of control. While my earlier introduction to OCD focused more on even numbers and perfectly lining up the shoes in my closet, this new version, post-miscarriage, followed by a new pregnancy, was defined by compulsively washing my hands and being extremely fearful of the foods I ate. I would steer clear of lunch meat in queso dip as if it was the plague. I also refused to clean the cat's litter box because my doctor told me there was a chemical in cat's urine that could adversely affect my pregnancy. I took all of the precautions of early pregnancy to the nth degree, causing intense suffering in my mind, as well as witnessing my husband and family crumble with concern for me, not quite understanding the power this chemical imbalance had over me at this particular juncture. In addition to the energy expended trying to fight any and all germs present in my life, and despite the logical knowledge that I tried to rationalize in my brain, and even that even bad germs have a place in this world, I found myself unable to relax. I was constantly in a state of heightened anxiety. Worry, fear, and depression pressed firmly upon my mind, body, and soul every ticking second of every single day. My dreams were even affected by this harsh monster I seemingly had no control over. A typical day at this time was spent waking from an unrestful sleep with dreams and visions I couldn't put into words, but left me feeling fearful, guilty, and anxious about the health of my unborn child. My days involved washing my hands several times, eating the very particular and basic foods that I deemed safe, doing a load of laundry, but then worrying if the laundry basket was clean enough to put clean clothes in, and using baby wipes to clean it over and over. The more I cleaned, the stronger the desire to clean became. It was a vicious cycle with absolutely no relief in sight. I finally became so exhausted from the ridiculous suggestions, which felt more like harsh orders in my mind, evoked that I had a mini breakdown. The breakdowns would involve crying, praying, and warily yelling out of frustration. I felt the need for peace, but could not arrive there. There are many situations you can escape in life. Your mind, however, is not one of them. At times I would become so emotionally exhausted, I would simply cry myself to sleep. Physical rest was the only way to escape the torturous monster of severe anxiety and OCD. Imagine the stress this was putting on my unborn child. The thing was, I knew these random thoughts and orders were ridiculous. I could recognize that the compulsions had become out of control. Yet I still worried that if I didn't perform the harsh tricks like an unwell circus monkey, I would bring harm to my baby. After all, I had already lost one pregnancy and I was desperate to do whatever I could, as nonsensical as it appeared to others, to secure the safety of this baby. I was hesitant to go on medication, even though my OBGYN, parents, and husband at the time felt strongly that I needed it. I had tried so desperately to get pregnant again, yet worried that the medication would affect the unborn child that was newly forming in my womb. I resisted medication as long as possible until it became clear, even to my stubborn I can fix this on my own self, that I was quickly sliding down a slippery slope and becoming a prisoner of my own mind. Finally, my doctor explained to me that while the medication she prescribed did carry a small risk, the stress my body was producing from the constant unrest of my mind was due to OCD, was far more harmful to an early pregnancy. That was the turning point for me. I bit the bullet and took a small amount of anti-anxiety medication, specific for patients with OCD tendencies. And the change, even on the smallest dosage possible, was quite impressive. I was free, I was able to breathe. I felt like a new person. I was no longer a prisoner to the compulsions and overarching fears which kept me locked away in my own mind. I felt free and excited about life again. My depression result in my ability to cope with life, mostly via humor, returned in full force. Medication to me, while at first felt embarrassing to admit I needed, was absolutely necessary. Living the difference between no medication and a small leveling of a very major chemical imbalance in my brain made all the difference to my quality of life. I vowed never again to go without my single dose of personally coined tongue-in-cheek, happy pills. I went on to have two healthy pregnancies, with another devastating miscarriage in between. By the second healthy pregnancy, I did not fight the need for medication. I knew my own peace of mind was directly linked to the health and safety of my growing baby. Pregnancy-induced OCD is a very real thing. Once I held those two large and healthy sons in my arms, my symptoms of my bizarre disease faded away into the ether, along with the numbing effects of my epidural. I was clear-headed, happy-hearted, and able to devote my all to those two baby boys I had hoped and prayed for so long. Thirteen years after that initial breakdown, due to my first miscarriage, due to several life changes all occurring in a small period of time, I noticed that familiar pang of anxiety starting to grow. I became engaged and remarried shortly thereafter. My sons were growing older, I was attempting to merge two separate families together to form one. Not to mention I was in the process of buying a new home with my spouse and making a monumental move. While just across town, moving as one of the most stressful life experiences whom humans go through. Packing up old memories, boxing up everyday necessities, living in constant chaos for weeks at a time until you finally make the move and can ever and can inch ever slowly back to normal living conditions. Immediately my senses became aroused and I noticed the difference. I reached out to my doctor and he suggested trying a different medication. I was open to anything because I didn't want to go back to where I had been in the height of my OCD. Big mistake. Big mistake. My once balanced brain chemicals were now all over the freaking board. I cried at the drop of a hat. I raged at the slightest inconveniences that would normally not ruffle my perfectly primed feathers. The most insignificant issues stressed me beyond my ability to cope. Whether it was minor disagreement at work, my symptoms slightly resembling COVID, or some arguments while learning to live with my noob husband, anything and everything that didn't flow naturally brought me to a sea of uncertainty fraught with waves of unrest. I told the doctor that I wanted to go back to my original medication, the monster I knew versus the one I didn't felt safer to me at this time. My doctor explained that anxiety pills often take time to fully work, and that I could not simply discount them until they gave them a real chance to do their magic. So once again, I went back to the drawing board and started on my third round of anxiety medication. I am still figuring this out, not fully certain if this particular brand will work as I need it to, or if I will continue on my search for the perfect blend of balance. The anxiety and uncertainty that comes with finding just the right blend of medication, coupled with behavioral techniques I've learned over the years, can be a slippery slope. The greatest challenge during the years where the OCD was most heightened was feeling constant pressure coupled with paralyzing fear. I hated seeing the way my particular brand of anxiety affected those closest to me. Yet there was a frustration that no one, including myself, could fully understand why I felt the need to do the bizarre things I did. Hand washing, not eating certain foods, having to ruminate on specific numbers and thoughts, fearing the worst-case scenarios in nearly all life events. Change, for me, was the epitome of defeat. Yet oftentimes, dare I say most times, the life changes I incurred during that time were for the best. I had become paralyzed at the thought of doing things differently, even though different, very often means better. The medication and behavioral modification allow me to see things more clearly and to have better control over the compulsions that still, at times of great distress, rear their annoyingly ugly heads. I have warned my close family and friends that my traditionally normal and stable personality might be a bit off for a temporary moment in time. I was met with unhidden snickers, overarching laughter, and blatant eye rolls at this juncture. While humor is an important element of dealing with tough issues in my family, I would be remiss to mention how supportive, encouraging, and loving my immediate family has been as I traveled this journey. They did not always understand, and they still don't. Heck, I still don't understand. But they have done everything in their power to learn about OCD and find ways to assist my recovery. For that, I will always be grateful. I continue to hunt for that elusive sweet spot between a small dose of medication and a larger dose of peace and acceptance while handling whatever life throws at me. This is not an easy struggle to share, but due to this seemingly never-ending pandemic, our society's ridiculously fast-paced technological advances, approaching middle age, more like sailing right into after middle age, and staring down the barrel of those seemingly end-of-times-ish days, I felt it was important to share. If you are struggling, there is help. It may not be an easy fix. It may take counseling, medication, physical exercise, mental exercise, trial and error, lots of trial and error, and the encouraging, loving support of family and friends, along with the study and frequent helping of Jesus take the wheel, or perhaps more accurately, Jesus, can you drive and let me just take a brief respite in the backseat? Please do not give up. Please talk to someone. I firmly believe that life's struggles, while they may never make sense to us in this world, are meant to be shared along with the lessons learned used to help others in similar situations. Otherwise, what is the point? If my journey, which is still very much a work in progress, can shed light on anyone's current struggle, I am more than happy to share what has worked and not worked on my unique path. My journey has been unique through reading about others' struggle with similar mental health issues, has provided much hope and encouragement. Just knowing there is help out there, whether in the form of medication, counseling, behavioral modification, or a combination of the three, has provided tremendous peace. We often feel so alone until we choose to share our struggles. There is something healing and refreshing about chronicling our journeys, no matter how painful they have been. Being open, breaking the stigma of mental illness, reading material, and finding support groups has all given me a powerful stance in the fight against OCD. The struggle is still real, but the knowledge I have gained, encouragement I have received, and lessons I have learned during this path have led to an empowering ability to utilize the tools available to keep my OCD in check. No longer does OCD control me.

Speaker 1 32:20

I am very much in control and know when and how to put OCD back in its rightful place. Thank you so much for reading that. Yes.

Gabe Nathan 32:32

What was it like for you to go back to that um to that essay and that use the word season a lot, that season of your life?

Manndi Maphies 32:41

Um gosh, it seems like a lifetime ago. It seems like I was almost reading about a different person.

Gabe Nathan 32:48

So and I and I really mean by that.

Manndi Maphies 32:51

Well, um a lot of things have changed since that time. I mean, that was a good well, it was it was during COVID, so it was a good five, six years ago. Um I feel like I'm in a much better place mentally. Um I I mean, I'm proud of that person. I want to tell her thank you for sharing your story, but I also want to tell her things are kind of tough right now, but they'll get better.

Speaker 1 33:21

Because they always do.

Gabe Nathan 33:24

Yeah. And I feel like that's that's what she was trying to communicate also. And it's so interesting how we're like at different times in our life, we need to hear that. We need to hear that kind of over and over and over again.

unknown 33:37

Yeah.

Gabe Nathan 33:38

Because life does get hard. Um, and we're often not expecting it.

Manndi Maphies 33:43

Yeah.

Gabe Nathan 33:44

Um, but I think it's it's a really go ahead.

Manndi Maphies 33:48

The interesting thing I want to share when I wrote that piece, it was during the pandemic, and our society was kind of struggling as a whole. Whereas the things I talked about were more personal individual journeys that I had dealt with early on. And so I kind of almost felt during that time of the pandemic, I mean, people started talking about anxiety and depression and OCD and mental health. And so it kind of felt like, you know, the kid that was always waiting for the coach to put him in the game. Like, here's my chance, you know?

Gabe Nathan 34:22

That's so funny. I so my mother has severe health anxiety and germaphobia. And I remember her saying to me once during the pandemic, oh, well, now everybody finally gets it. Now everyone's just like me.

Speaker 1 34:38

Yeah.

Gabe Nathan 34:39

And I mean, it's it it was a great equalizer in that way. And as absolutely awful as it was, and and so many people lost so many people. I think one positive thing that it did was get people talking about mental health and really doing a lot to normalize those conversations. Um, and I think it's just incredibly important. Um, I'm curious about something that you you wrote in your essay. You wrote it towards the end. Um please do not give up. You wrote, please talk to someone. Did you ever feel like taking your own life at any time? That phrase, don't give up. It's just used so often in in the context of suicide. You did not make any mention of that in your piece, but I'm just curious.

Manndi Maphies 35:33

I I did not. Um, I am uh uh a very religious uh spiritual person, not that spiritual people don't struggle with suicide, suicidal ideations, they do. Um but that it it never got to that point for me, and I'm very grateful. I mean, I I think back to some of the darker times, and it was um it it's a place I don't ever want to go back to. So imagining it being even worse with someone who is at their wit's end is is is one of the reasons why I want to speak out because um there is help. You're not alone.

Gabe Nathan 36:16

Yeah. And and again, it's it's one thing to like say that or put it on a bumper sticker or on a meme, you know, on social media. But you writing a piece like this and putting it out there, it's really showing people that they're not alone, as opposed to just telling them. You're really showing people here I am. Here I am. I'm I'm just like you. I may look different, I may sound different, I may talk different, I may come from a different part of the world. Um, but I'm here just like you, um, going through things. Uh and, you know, it's it's just incredibly brave and and important. Uh I'm I'm curious to hear about where you are with OCD now and treatment and medication, because you know, sometimes medication can work great and then not work great, or we try something new and that's not so great. Or yeah, um where are you at at this particular point in your life with treatment?

Manndi Maphies 37:20

That's a that's a good question. I did go through, as I talk about in the essay, um, I went through a time where I kind of changed things up a little bit because I felt like what I was doing wasn't working. Um looking back, I think it was because I had just compounded all the stressful events of life into one very short season. And so I don't think it was the medicine or even the OCD. I think it was just like my body saying this is too much. Um, so I did go back to my original treatment, um, which was working better than I thought it was working. It was just that that lifetime was was crazy. Um, but I I feel I feel good. Um, I know certain things now. I know that when I get very stressed or very overwhelmed, I need to take some time away from what I'm doing. I need to take breaks, I need physical exercise, I need sunlight, I need vitamin D. I mean, just the things that you don't really consider necessities are, especially for mental health. And you just have to know your limits. And it's taken me a long time to figure out where what those are. And I still sometimes struggle with it. I mean, I still get overwhelmed. I still sometimes find myself having to stop on the magic number at the gas pump. You know, I mean, I still do some of those quirky things. But um, it's so much more manageable now because I have the perspective of when it wasn't.

Gabe Nathan 38:48

And you don't have that that pulsing compulsion to do it. It's like, okay, I can I can stop it at like $38 and 12 cents if that's the whatever. Um, if I want, or if I don't, I don't. But it's that it's that control um that that the that OCD has on you that it feels like it's really loosened its its grip.

Manndi Maphies 39:13

Yeah. Another thing that I have found really empowering is is talking about it, being open about it, answering questions, um, hearing other stories, reading other stories. That has really kind of helped me feel like less of a a freak, you know, and more like, hey, this is this is like a real thing. It's it's pretty common. I mean, I I'm not a doctor, obviously, but I feel like we are all on some sort of spectrum with some sort of issue. And this is just kind of mine to bear. And it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Gabe Nathan 39:48

Yeah. And what's helping you is also helping others. So it's mutually beneficial. Do you do you public speak at all, or is it mostly just through writing?

Manndi Maphies 39:58

I don't. Um, I have started uh some of the freelance stories that I've written. I've been asked to present on them. Um, this is the only one I've done on mental health. So um that's special. But but no, that's that is not my comfort level at all. I would I would much rather write than yeah, I just I just feel like that's more my skill set.

Gabe Nathan 40:25

Gotcha. Well, like you said, you do what you know, write what you know about. Um and you know, we're just very grateful to you that you decided to put pen to paper and and write about this. Um, because so many people live in secrecy and shame and stigma. And it's the three big S words um that can just be so, so harmful to people for no real reason at all. Um so keep keep writing, keep talking about it. Um, keep like helping other people as you're helping yourself.

Manndi Maphies 41:01

Well, thank you for I'm I'm I'm honored that you that you asked me to share my story. It I will tell you that this um essay that I did was one of the first pieces that I had published. And it it was so special to me because I was like, wow, people really want to read about my life. And they really do. That was that was really special. So I mean, I would I would tell other people if you if you journal, if that's kind of your thing, people you can really change people's lives by sharing things that you've gone through that maybe can help others. I mean, it's it's a gift.

Gabe Nathan 41:35

Yeah, if you want, if you feel ready to do that, you know, and that's like we have people come to us and like kind of get close to the flame and then back away. And that's okay. Um, you know, it there's there is no there's no pressure, and there's no like, oh, if I don't share publicly, then I'm not doing my bit. No, it can be just that you're not ready, or maybe it's just not for you. And maybe you're one of the people who read and and feel helped by it, and that's okay too. Um, we all have to just like I don't know, find our niche and our comfort level as far as how much light are we comfortable standing in. Right. Um so thank you um for your comfort level and for choosing to stand in the light here uh on our site and and on this show. I'm very, very grateful to you.

Speaker 1 42:29

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Gabe Nathan 42:36

Thank you again for joining us in conversation today. It's beautiful to see the progression of our contributors. We are very, very grateful to our guest for today, Manndi Maphies. She is a mother, she is a writer, she is an OCD advocate, she loves to write about everything, from being a single mom to dating after divorce, to miscarriage, the loss of a loved one, and starting over in essays that are filled with inspiration, encouragement, and humor. Before we leave you, we want to remind you to check out our website, recoverydiaries.org. There, like this podcast, you'll find additional stories, videos, and content about mental health, empowerment, and change. We look forward to continuing to grow our community. Thank you so much for being a part of it. We wouldn't be here without you. Be sure to join our mailing list so you never miss a podcast episode, essay, or film. I'm Gabe Nathan. Until next time, take good care.