From Wanting to Die to Yearning to Live; in Conversation with Levi Mericle | RDID; 212

From ages 13-19, Levi Mericle wanted to die, pretty much every day. There was reckless, impulsive behavior, suicide attempts, hospital stays, agonizing torment for Levi and assuredly endless nights of the most intense anxiety possible for his devoted parents, who struggled to understand what was happening to their previously happy-go-lucky boy. 

Serious and persistent mental illness can often rip families apart. Our Executive Director and podcast host, Gabriel Nathan, has seen it in his years working at a locked, inpatient psychiatric hospital; parents absolutely at their wits end after years and years of destructive behavior by children, sometimes despairing and bereft of resources and support, child/parent bonds can become fractured, marriages can be obliterated-- mental illness is the ultimate wrecking ball. But Levi's bipolar disorder was no match for his parent's love; they refused to watch their son succumb to this illness, which tempted Levi to end his life by his own hand countless times.

Neither would Levi's family let their strong Christian faith sway them from seeking urgent psychiatric help for their son. As Levi says in his interview, many Christians view mental illness as either not real, or something that needs to be "given to God", to the exclusion of potentially lifesaving medications and crisis interventions. Levi is an eternally grateful son, citing the love of his family as the main reason why he is still here, singing the songs life wants to hear. 

Our interview with Levi is wide-ranging and passionate; he is an ardently sensitive and introspective soul who spares no detail in discussing his incredibly dark adolescence and young adulthood, and what helped him turn the corner to finding purpose, meaning, and a yearning to live. 

Levi closes our time together by reading his poem “The Corner In A Dark Room,” a stark, accurate portrait of depression’s numbness and time distortion. 

If this conversation helps you, subscribe, share it with someone who needs hope today, and leave a review so more people can find Recovery Diaries In Depth.

Conversations like the ones on this podcast can sometimes be hard, but they’re always necessary. If you or someone you know is struggling, please consider visiting wannatalkaboutit.com. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call, text, or chat 988.

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Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Gabe Nathan 0:00

Hello, this is Recovery Diaries in Depth. I'm your host, Gabe Nathan. Thanks so much for joining us. We're very happy to have you here. We are so excited, proud, and lucky to have as our guest for today Levi Mericle. He is an advocate for the LGBTQIA Plus community and people with mental illness. He's a disabled pansexual poet, spoken-word artist, and award-winning songwriter, children's book author, and fiction writer from Tukum Carrie, New Mexico. Each week, we'll bring you a recovery diaries contributor, folks who have shared their mental health journey with us through essay or video format. We want to see where they are on their mental health journey since initially being published on our website. Our goal is to continue supporting our diverse community by having conversations here on our podcast to follow up and see what has shifted, what has changed, and what new things have emerged. We're so happy to have you along for this journey. We want to remind you to follow our show for new and back episodes at recoverydifies.org. There, like the podcast, you'll find stories of mental health, empowerment, and change. You can also sign up for our mailing list there so you never miss a new podcast episode, essay, or film. And you can find this podcast pretty much anywhere you get your podcasts. We appreciate your comments and feedback about our show. It helps us improve, make changes, and grow. And of course, make sure to like, share, and subscribe. Levi Mericle, thank you so, so much for joining me here today. I'm I'm so so happy to be seeing you and spending some time with you here on the show.

Levi Mericle 1:49

I am so happy to be here, Gabe. Thank you so much for inviting me, and I'm just so happy that I can join you

What Suicidality Felt Like

Levi Mericle 1:58

today.

Gabe Nathan 1:58

It's a pleasure. Um, and I want to open up the conversation um by letting you know that you and I share something um in addition to a love of writing, um, which is struggles with suicidality. And I I felt very connected to you um when I read your initial submission and then read the final version that you worked on with Lara, our editor. And um I that's what I want to start talking about. You know, you uh a significant portion of your essay is devoted to struggles with feeling suicidal. Um and I I think it's really invaluable to hear from people who've had those experiences, to hear from them to describe what what is that like to feel that way. Um if you can just talk about that in your own words, I think it's really important to hear.

Levi Mericle 3:08

Yes. Well, um when I turned about 13 or 14 years old is when really got horrible. And within myself, I felt like I don't know how to explain it exactly, but like an absence of self, if that makes any sense. It was like I wasn't there from you know adolescence to about 12 to 13 years old. I I was a happy kid, I was um, you know, I I loved to go outside, I love to participate in activities and stuff, and then from about 13, maybe 12 to 13, it just switched. And all I could think about was how I didn't belong anymore on this earth, how I basically just wanted to die all the time. I just could I I I couldn't believe that I was alive because I didn't believe I should be.

Gabe Nathan 4:14

Did you almost feel like alien in your own body or something?

Levi Mericle 4:19

Oh absolutely, yes. It and my my parents at the time were pastors, and I mean just great, great people, great parents, I mean uh very loving, very um supportive, and uh um so I didn't have any like situation in my life where it was horrible, you know. I didn't have abusive parents, I didn't have uh alcoholism in the family. I mean it's just you know stuff, but I just felt like I didn't belong and I just needed to die. And it's a horrible feeling, but I felt that way from about 13 until my adult years, about 19, 18, 19. And it was it was a struggle, and like my essay will uh show um when I read it later, um they helped me through such a horrible part of my life. I wouldn't be here without them.

Gabe Nathan 5:31

So it's yeah, and that's yeah, that's another thing that really stood out to me in your essay and in your in your experience, the way you talk about your parents and the support that they gave you and and love, unconditional and compassionate, which is what we expect from parents, right? But so often, especially with people who have serious and persistent mental illness or you know, chronic suicidality, those bonds can be really tested and really fractured. Um, I used to work at a psychiatric hospital and I saw it all the time. People whose family members were just torn apart by their illness, people whose mental illness, you know, they did horrible things when they were in the throes of mental illness and psychosis, and family structures were broken and that support wasn't there, and visiting hours would come and go, and these people would not have their parents come to see them.

Speaker 1 6:30

Oh man.

Gabe Nathan 6:30

Um,

Why His Parents Believed Him

Gabe Nathan 6:31

can you talk a little bit about your parents and why you feel like those bonds stayed intact and were were so strong?

Levi Mericle 6:41

Well, I'll just be honest. In the ministry, I feel like um a lot of Christians uh, and I've I've I've gone through this before with other Christians, that they don't believe they believe give it to God, mental illness, you know, give it to God, and everything will be peachy, everything will be fine. Well, my parents never had that philosophy. And I think that's what really took them apart from you know other Christians um is they believe, you know, that it is a real illness. It's part it's it's part of the brain, you know. It's it's a real and it's just like if you have an appendicitis, you know. Right. You don't give that to God. No, you don't.

unknown 7:31

Yeah.

Levi Mericle 7:32

So and they they they had that philosophy, and um, I think that's what really stood them apart from the rest of the ministry family, I guess you could say. And um they they were relentless, they just were, and I put them through literal hell when I was a kid, and it was awful, and I regret every bit of it to this day, but you know, you can't turn back time, and I'm just so grateful that they were there.

Gabe Nathan 8:05

When you look back at that time in your life when you were 13 through 19, and you you used the the phrase, well, I wanted to die every day. Well, all the time, right? Wanted to die. And so this is a real question for you because as a suicide awareness advocate, what one of the things that I talk about is something that I learned from a lot of attempt survivors that, you know, they would come into the hospital with you know fresh scars from an attempt or however they tried to do it, and were very adamant about wanting to die. And then, you know, they I would talk to them every day throughout their stay, which was sometimes three days, five days, nine days, weeks. Um and and as time went on, they would change almost always and would say things like, you know, I didn't actually want to die. I wanted my pain to end. Um, something along those lines.

Speaker 1 9:14

Yeah.

Gabe Nathan 9:15

And so when you look back at that time as a kid, as an adolescent, do you think you really, really wanted to die? Like literally, or that you wanted something else, some kind of relief from that that alien feeling that you were feeling. And that was the thing that your your brain grasped onto was dying, because there seemed to be no other, no other way to get that relief.

Levi Mericle 9:42

Right. Well, I was also a cutter. And and um that was a way to kind of release I don't know what it was, endorphins, it just by the pain, I felt like closer to myself, if that makes any sense. It was like it was like um if I if I'm having a bad day, I would go and I would just cut my arm. And that gave me some release. Um so that that with the the the suicide attempts, um I'm I'm pretty sure if I was just left to my own devices and stuff, I would have done it. So, I mean, did I want to die um like what what you're saying, did I want to die like when I think about when I think back about it, it's like I think I did. I think I just wanted to just be gone because I didn't feel a purpose within myself to exist anymore.

Pain Versus Wanting To Die

Gabe Nathan 10:51

So now let's let's fast forward to where you are now. You know, in that time you weren't able to feel a purpose. Do you feel a purpose now? And if so, what is it?

Levi Mericle 11:05

Oh um, I do actually. I um I think helping people with my story, with um my actions, I think I have a a purpose in life to just be kind and um try to get people through to the because when it was day by day as a kid, I had to get through each second basically, was a next step to survival. So it was like if I made it till the next hour, if I made it till the next day, I counted that as a blessing and a well, I mean, now I do. At the time I wanted to die, and I was like, just let me be, you know. But um now I think my goal in life is just to help people through their struggles. If if they're like my situation, or even if they're a different situation, but I can help in any way. I think that is my purpose now. And uh and I I'm a writer, I I love writing in many topics. I I write songs, I write children's books, I write um essays, and I'm a freelance writer. Um, and then poetry, of course. But uh I don't know. I just I it's different. I of course mental illness, my bipolar will never go away. You know, it's gonna be there. But um, and I still have struggles to this day. I do. I seriously do. I I have anger issues, I have uh it's hard. I get depressed quite often. And but is it different from when I was a kid? Absolutely. It's different, but um, you know, it it's still a struggle, and I have a lot of health issues as well. My health is not so good, so that plays a part in the depression and all that, but it's it's a struggle.

Gabe Nathan 13:14

And so when you talk about that struggle and when you talk about bipolar disorder, which like you said, that it's always gonna be there, you know, it's it's a chronic thing. But managing it, that's you know, that's a huge thing. I think what sometimes when people think about recovery, they think of it as recovered. Um that's not really what we're talking about. We're talking about recovery, which is kind of like living alongside of your illness, um, not letting the illness

Finding Purpose Through Helping Others

Gabe Nathan 13:44

control you. Um, and it seems to me that you're you're living alongside of your illness, which is recovery, right? But my question is, what helps you do that? Because before there were these maladaptive coping mechanisms, which was thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, cutting. Um what are you doing now to to help you manage?

Levi Mericle 14:09

Um, it's mainly my close connection with my family and uh writing. Writing gets me through some of the darkest times, and I write some dark stuff sometimes because I'm feeling that in that moment. But um, and plus when I write, I write from either experiences I'm going through now or of course past experiences. So and I but the biggest dynamic of now is my family. I, you know, they're just so supportive, they're so loving, and I just owe everything to them. And I know it sounds kind of um I'm beating a dead horse, but it's like it's it's just truth. It's the truth.

Gabe Nathan 14:58

I and it sounds amazing. I mean, you could talk about it all the whole time we're together because honestly, Levi, like I said, a lot of people don't have that experience. And I think especially it's really difficult for parents who are like by definition from a different generation. Because I think so much of understanding related to mental health and mental illness, it changes by generation. And I know like I've had struggles with my parents, getting them to understand like what the fuck I'm going through, and even just different ways of being. Like I'm like you, I want to write about all of this stuff, I want to talk about it, I want to be open. My parents are like, uh, you know, shut up. Don't don't talk about it, yeah. You know, we were raised to not talk about this stuff, and you just kind of get on with life. Um, and I view that as really unhealthy. So there's that, there's a real tension between us in that regard. And I wonder, I mean, that makes me curious about your parents and related to your writing. Are they supportive of you being public about your mental health? Oh, yeah. Do they worry about you saying too much?

Levi Mericle 16:15

Um, no, never. Never. No, they um they they lived it with me, so they know the struggle. And they're they're so they're actually quite the opposite. They're excited that I can share this and um be okay with it within myself to share it, you know, because just to be honest, um being being a person who used to cut and being a person who used to um be suicidal, it's kind of something you don't really want to ever mention again. And I I really don't within myself want to mention either, but I want to do it to help others. That's my goal. You know, it's like maybe my story can inspire others to hold on for a better tomorrow.

Gabe Nathan 17:09

Yeah, and I like think about I don't know how how old are you now?

Levi Mericle 17:17

I'm 38.

Gabe Nathan 17:19

Oh, so like, oh my god, like if you had taken your own life in that swath of time between 13 and 19, I mean, just think of everything you would have missed and all the opportunities to help others and to enjoy life and to to like enjoy more of that time with your parents who have been so wonderful with you. And it's just it it's you know, not to use a pun with your last name, but it's a miracle that you're still here, you know. Oh, and that you get to have all of that. Um, it's it's just so it's very moving. Uh, it really is. And you are using you're using those experiences to help people. And I think as a as a man, um I always get very excited when we get a submission, an essay submission from a man, because it's very unusual. Yeah. Um, you know, men are in general are are not are not as open as not are not as willing to talk about this kind of stuff, um, especially suicidality.

Levi Mericle 18:28

Um, yeah.

Gabe Nathan 18:31

Yeah, and we're trained that from a very, very early age. Um, you know, suck it up buttercup and all that kind of real toxic horseshit stuff. And I'm I'm just so thankful to you for stepping forward because people need to see people who look like them. Um

Reading The Essay Aloud

Gabe Nathan 18:50

they need representation, right? When we're talking about things like suicide and self-harm. Um and and people who read your essay, who read other works of yours, they may see themselves in you. And I think that's what can really, really help.

Levi Mericle 19:08

Yeah, yes, I agree. And that that is my goal, you know, just to to be a a lighthouse to people who are wayward and just to find their way back to themselves, if they've lost themselves, or if they think they've lost themselves, then that's that that's my pretty much my goal in life now is just to let people know if I'm here, I have a story, and I'm here to help, you know.

Gabe Nathan 19:39

And it's it's hopeful because I when you're in the throes of suicidality or like serious mental illness, like has its claws in you. The one thing that you believe is that this is never gonna change. And my this is my life. And it's always gonna be like this, and it's always gonna be shit. And I'm I'm gonna be cycling in and out of hospitals. Um, it's gonna be, you know, 67th admission, 94th admission, just over and over and over again. And you're here as an example that that's not necessarily true. That is not necessarily going to be the story of your life. Um, and people really it's one thing for like, I think a mental health organization or whatever to like post a quote that says like there is hope or recovery is possible, or like, okay. But to then show a person like you, it really proves it. You're you're so much more than a slogan. Um, you're your actual evidence that recovery is possible, um, that things were really, really, really bad, and that can change.

Levi Mericle 20:58

Absolutely, yes. And um, I'm just happy that um I can be that voice, you know. And it was, I mean, like I said before, it was it was really hard. It was just so hard when I was a kid, and of course it was hard on me, um, but I just give a shout out to my parents every time because they had to go through just so much shit that I put them through. And it wasn't like I was um I wasn't violent in in a nature of hurting others or anything like that. I was I just tried to die so many times and it was like I know it tore them apart, it did, but for those probably six, seven years. But to this day they tell me I wouldn't change it for the world because we got you through. And now you're a Levi again. So that just you know.

Gabe Nathan 22:07

Yeah, it's extraordinary. And and I I wonder if when you were that age, did you ever believe it was gonna change that you could get better?

Levi Mericle 22:18

Well, and I I believe in a higher power. I was raised that way. So I but at the time, um, I didn't know if I would end my life, if I would, you know, go to hell, if I'd go to heaven, if I would just end up in purgatory. I mean, I didn't know what was gonna happen, but at that time, I really didn't care. It was like I just needed to be dead because my self-worth was minuscule at the time, like non-existent, basically. It was just I didn't believe I had a purpose.

Gabe Nathan 22:53

Yeah. And and then and not believing that things were going to get better unless you died. You know, this is another thing that we talk about. Like if you can't hold hope for yourself, someone else has to hold it for you. And in your case, it was your parents. And I guarantee your parents believed that it could change, and you know, that's why they fought so hard for you.

Speaker 1 23:16

Yes.

Gabe Nathan 23:16

Um, and here's the proof. Um, and I mean, I can't think of a lovelier segue uh to your essay, you know, bringing us to a more hopeful tune. Um with your essay that you wrote for us called I Now Sing the Songs Life Wants to Hear. Um, and I'm really excited to hear this in your own voice.

Levi Mericle 23:42

It was dark in my eyes. I'm sure of it. Like midnight in the Boston alley without street lamps. The only thought in my head was that of suicidal relief. Life had a vice grip around my existence, and all I wanted was to release the pressure. I was fourteen and desperate. Desperate to meet death and shake his hand. I don't remember what day it was, the time, or even the month of the year, but I remember the flowers. A lot of flowers on the ground. Because I pictured them at my gravesite when I saw them, and my mother would pick them from her garden and place each one by my casket as she'd weep. So I believe it was summertime. It was hot. But not as hot as New Mexico weather usually felt. We were at a Kmart shopping, and I was pushing the cart down the aisle with my mother by my side. Death was everything I'd ever wanted at that point. I didn't give a fuck about toys or junk food, CDs or movies. All I wanted was to die. My mother knew I was having mental health issues and was trying to entice my interest with worldly goods, trying to keep my mind distracted. But I hated the world and everything in it. I wanted to leave this earth with every ounce of my being. So nothing sparked my interest. Nothing really mattered. My mother turned her back for a few seconds to look at an item, and I bolted. I ran as fast as I could through the aisles and out the front doors. I had a mission, a goal to end life at all costs. My head felt heavy, my heart was like a broken toy, refusing to fulfill its purpose. The only thoughts I had were those of death. Living for me was no longer an option. It was no longer my priority. In a matter of mere seconds I found myself in the middle of the street, yearning for a car. But Tucum cari traffic on a good day was slower than molasses, so I had to find another opportunity. I was running through backyards and alleyways, contemplating my plan. I was about twenty yards away from Tucumcari Boulevard, which was the busiest street in town. Several cars were heading down the road in my direction, and I knew this was my chance for death. But right before I leapt into oncoming traffic in the distance, I fought I saw my father's old pickup truck barreling down the street. I was near an abandoned hotel and I decided that hiding was my best bet to avoid being captured by my father. What I didn't realize was I hid behind glass doors that were completely transparent. I saw out of the corner of my eye that old pickup truck whipping around faster than I ever seen my dad drive in my life. I ran the opposite way, heading toward the boulevard once again, but before I could run ten yards, my exceptionally fast father caught up with me and tackled me to the ground. That was my first attempt to run away and end my life. They admitted me into a psychiatric hospital in Albuquerque, New Mexico. From the very start of my admission, I was petrified. This was the first and only hospitalization I had because of my mental health. I felt like I had entered a prison and was serving a sentence just for being sick. They restricted my visitation with my parents. They strip searched me and examined my body, they watched my every move. I felt like a criminal. They mentally and almost physically lost their little boy. I can remember the terror in their eyes every time I tried to leave this world, as if I were killing a piece of them with every stroke of my blade and with every pill I popped. I wasn't just ending my life. I was robbing them of theirs. From the age of fourteen to nineteen I probably attempted suicide six times. At that time I was heavily sedated with Thorzine, so some of my memories within those years are a bit hazy. I was also a cutter, and I felt a release every time I would tear my skin. It was a way of releasing the pain within myself and to me felt absolutely amazing. I felt inadequate and incomplete. My mind was failing me at every turn, failing to make me feel normal, to make me feel happy. Every time I cut my skin, I pretended it was my new normal. It was my special drug of choice, my dirty habit. And I felt adequate again. I I fought so hard that day to end everything, and despite the pain in my family's eyes, I still wanted to leave them. I was so mentally obsessed with death, I didn't care who I was hurting around me. All the things that mattered in my life quickly dissipated like morning dew and were replaced with suicidal rain. It took me until my early twenties before the urge to die started to ease. I felt crazy. Every single ounce of energy and thought processes in my mind were spent on suicide. But I made it through that day, and many days after, thanks to the relentless actions of my parents. I was more depressed as a teenager than I ever thought I could bear, but every time I was tempted to dive in front of a car or slice my wrists with a razor blade, my mom and dad appeared they appeared, keeping me alive at every turn. Every cut I made was a scar they wore. Every mental pain I felt, they bore the agony right alongside me. Parents like that I felt I didn't deserve. This instance I first described to you was one of the many events I attempted suicide as a teenager and young adult. Countless hours were spent monitoring my every move because my parents never knew when my next attempt would be. The endless board games we played to keep my mind occupied, the hundreds of mind numbing movies watched was time sacrificed to keep me safe. And my parents never once complained. The selflessness of their actions is something I've always strived to become. It was like a life switch turned off. When I was young, the urge to die was so engraved in my mind I couldn't see normalcy anymore. Thirteen was the age I died inside. I felt like a never ending mountain of suicidal thoughts. Every time I tried to climb down, another hill emerged. Everything that seemed foreign became was before was quickly becoming more and more like home. My home life was wonderful as a kid. My parents and siblings were great, yet I was still missing something with inside myself, the ability to be sane again. Aside from having cancer at two years old, my childhood couldn't have been happier, but I was lost with inside myself as I had more than I had ever felt. Now as a grown up, I reflect on those moments. I analyze every painful past memory I have and try to sculpt new memories for the future. I won't lie, it was hell growing up, both in my mind and in our home. It was a battlefield, a war zone, a complete realm of chaos. When I would attempt death or run off to cut myself, I could see the fear in my family's faces. All of the struggles in life, I'm sure thinking of your child dead is one of the worst pains a parent could feel. So when I say it was chaos, it was because of the look in their eyes. I felt I was a prisoner of life. Living moment by moment, day by day was emotionally and mentally draining me. That's why I tried so hard to die. But my mom and dad wouldn't allow that. And despite every suicidal moment, every hateful word said in anger, all the anguish I caused throughout the years, they resiliently kept pushing me to stay alive. For every time I had given up and given in, they never did. Being an adult with bipolar disorder is never easy. But being a teenager with that bipolar disorder seemed like an endless supply of misery trapped within my mind. I started having bipolar symptoms at the age of thirteen. Wasn't until my first suicide attempt in hospitalization when I was fourteen, when my parents got me psychiatric help. Took me many years to overcome these suicidal thoughts, but with the perseverance of my parents, I had overcome so many obstacles in life. I hate to admit sometimes how screwed up I felt as a teenager and young adult. Sometimes I get weepy just thinking about the pain and worry I caused my family. But I held on. I found my tomorrow. Every single day I wake up in this magnificent world, I count it a privilege to be in it. I'm still bipolar. That will never change. But I've healed a part of myself that I've been broken for so long, and I'm happy. Tomorrow is never promised, but we should seek it at all costs. We should strive to wake in the morning, kiss our loved ones, smile at our neighbors when we grab the newspaper, lay our heads down at night on comfort sheets, and then repeat the process. It won't always it won't always be sunshine and roses. As individuals diagnosed with bipolar, we can expect everything to be we can't expect everything to be perfect. Lives are chaotic. Times can be hard, but we need to hang on. We need to stay alive. So find what you love in life. And hang on to it like a death grip. Find supporters who will listen and who care. Because you are worth fighting for. You are more valuable than you will ever know. I have sung many tunes of death in my life, as my mom and dad know each melody by heart. My teenage years were rough, to say the least. Every attempt at life by my hand was boldly replaced by the loving hands of my parents, gripping and fighting the demons right alongside me. My teenage years seemed like decades worth of pain, but I made it through thanks to the indispensable strength of my mom and dad. The songs I now sing are because of them, and I will sing the tune until of life until breath leaves my lungs, and my eyes will shine forever bright until that day arrives. I only have two words I want to say to my parents now. Mom and Dad. Thank you.

Gabe Nathan 38:25

Wow.

What Recovery Looks Like Now

Gabe Nathan 38:26

It's such a beautiful piece. Um thank you so much for reading it and for for doing such a lovely reading of it. Um I really appreciate it. Uh what was it like for you to go back to that essay um and read it again? It's been a few years since you submitted it to us and it was brilliant.

Levi Mericle 38:46

It's been a while. Um it was I I I'm not gonna lie, I have a few tears coming up. It's it's hard, but it is um it's very rewarding to me to know that um other people might get get hope and stuff out of my words. And because of my parents and my story and everything, I think I think it will just give people another another hope at life, I hope. That's what I hope.

Gabe Nathan 39:18

I I mean, I know it, uh, for sure. And that's that's the whole reason why we do what we do, putting these stories out there. And, you know, we work hard to ensure that when people are doing searches for things like, you know, bipolar essay hope, things like that, they're stumbling on this essay, and essays like it, because we we know there are people sitting in front of their computer screens who are either they're the ones living with this mental health challenge, or maybe there are people like your parents, yeah, just scouring the internet trying to find some hopeful, helpful resource. Um, and we really want essays like yours to be popping up for people because, like I said earlier, when you know, when you're in the throes of this, it really just does seem completely bleak um and hopeless. But you know, you're out here reminding people that it's just not true.

Levi Mericle 40:20

Absolutely, and it it isn't, it isn't. If you can just hold on for a little while longer, and it can just be anything that gives you hope. It could be a bird that you see outside your window, it could be literally anything if you just hold on to to just live another day, and I'm I'm sure you will find hope again, you know, to the people out there. It's just like I went through it, I did. I went through a lot of crap, and um, but I'm I I went to the other side and I'm here, I'm here.

Gabe Nathan 40:57

And you know, about the other side, like you you say in your essay, like it's not all gonna be sunshine and roses, and so and I don't want people to think that that's the case for you. And you've even you've touched on this. You say, you know, things are still hard for me, I still have bipolar disorder.

Speaker 1 41:13

Right.

Gabe Nathan 41:13

I have a question for you about where you are now. Do you ever get scared that things could get like they were when you were 13 through 19? Does that ever enter your mind?

Levi Mericle 41:28

Absolutely. Probably weekly, I would say.

Gabe Nathan 41:33

So, how do you cope with that? Because I I mean, I would I think if that were me, I would be really, really, really afraid. Um, so I just how do you cope with that that fear?

Levi Mericle 41:46

Well, it it is definitely a fear I have, but I I try to I have I take counseling sessions, you know. I uh so I I work through it with my counselor, and I um I just take every moment of every day, and I just like try to think about what it was like when I was just so horribly mentally ill as a kid, and I I think when I get in those moments of despair, I think what what will this do to my parents? What will this do to my family? What will this do to my friends if I decided to uh do something rash or in my life or become a cutter again? And um it's nothing I think will happen, but it crosses my mind quite often, like, what if I go back to that? And it's it's hard to think about, but it's like is it a possibility? I mean, I would say no at this point, but it crosses my mind. You know, it's like if if times get really hard, which it could happen, you know. I could I could lose one of my parents, I could lose a family member. I mean, shit happens in life. And it it yeah, I don't know. I don't know. It's it's one of those things that I don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring, but I sure as hell want to try to be here tomorrow to figure it out, you know.

Gabe Nathan 43:24

Yeah, yeah. And and you know, that we can get so caught up in that what if anxiety and you know well, what if this happens? What if that happens? What if and really living in the moment I think is is a wonderful way to really work at preventing that. You know, we can we can live and die in the what ifs, but what we know for sure is today, right? That's what we have. And we have control over what we do today and what we're what we're doing to take care of ourselves today. Um so you l it really feels like you're living in that. Moment in that present moment. I have a question for

Faith And Mental Health Care

Gabe Nathan 44:04

you about therapy. So you mentioned that you're in counseling and you mentioned that your parents are pastors. I'm just curious about this. Do you go to like a faith-based counselor?

Levi Mericle 44:17

Um yeah, she does have faith, yes, but she tries not to put um like she counsels a lot of people, so she tries not to put faith in it unless they want it. That's all I that's the whole idea she she has. Um she does have faith, yes. She's a very devout Christian woman, but we don't really talk about um God much. I mean we do sometimes, but um I lived it was hard growing up in the church and kinda I I I still believe in God, I still believe in heaven, absolutely, but um I don't know. I don't know where I I don't really know where I stand religious-wise, you know? I'm still kind of trying to figure that out.

Gabe Nathan 45:12

Yeah, and for a lot of people that is a a whole lifelong thing, you know, a whole lifelong journey. And I think levels of you know, devoutness or belief or whatever you want to call it, I think can ebb and flow and change and morph and all of that. Um yeah, I was just asking because I, you know, we we've talked to a couple people on the show and have had essays by people of faith who have gone to faith-based counselors, and I'm always just curious about like that decision and what's what that's like and how a counselor kind of tows the line between um between religion and faith, and also you know, more traditional like therapeutic modalities and things like that. So just curious if that's oh no your experience.

Levi Mericle 46:00

Yeah, um, I've had this counselor since I was a teenager.

Gabe Nathan 46:04

Wow.

Levi Mericle 46:05

She's she's been here a long time. Uh through the long haul, you know what I'm saying? But uh uh so she she's always had a firm belief in God, you know, and and I do too. I mean, I'm a cr I consider myself a Christian, but I don't know, it's like a lot of the Christian um mentality and stuff is like give it to God and your troubles will be I don't believe that at all. Well, I remember going to a church when I was really suicidal as a kid, when my parents quit the denomination, and I went to a different church, and he wouldn't pray for me because of my mental illness. He just wouldn't. He we he said he said, you know, it it's not real. You what you're going through is not real, and I'm like, so you're a pastor who is like supposed to be God's underman or whatever, you know what I'm saying? Right, right, right. I uh and you will not pray for me. And I totally kind of lost a lot of faith in the church and stuff at that moment.

Gabe Nathan 47:18

Yeah, there's a lot of hypocrisy, I think, in in I think in any organized religion, um, to have to navigate and and stomach and um and sort through to get to what you know you really believe um and what what holds true for you.

Advice For Parents In Crisis

Gabe Nathan 47:35

Um we're we're just coming to the end of our time together, and it sucks. Um, because I would love to sit and talk with you all day. Um but I I want to just ask you one last question. If you if there were parents of someone who was struggling like you were struggling when you were an adolescent, um, and they are at their wit's end and they feel like their world is is ending because their child is struggling so bad, and maybe their marriage is rupturing, or they're you know, they they just don't know what to do or where to turn or what to think or believe. Uh what would be one message that you'd want to say to them?

Levi Mericle 48:21

I would say that at the end of the day, your loved one is still your loved one. No matter what they put you through, don't you want to see them strive and be happy at the end of all this torment and stuff? Because I think sometimes people, I I mean, we're all human, we all have thoughts of like, you know, maybe if they if God just takes them, it'll be better, maybe, you know, maybe if uh they'll be happier if they if they're gone. But you know, I don't think that's the case. I think if if you loved your son, your daughter, whoever it may be, if you truly love them and you know deep inside that they could be um a happier person, just hold on. Do whatever you must do to keep them safe and uh at the end of the day, just love them. Don't don't of course it's discouraging, absolutely, but just hang on, you know, just hang on. That's what I tell everybody. It's like I'm a perfect example of this, and if you just wait a little longer, maybe, and they will come out of it eventually, but just hold on, you know, just keep going, keep going.

Gabe Nathan 50:01

And it's it's the same thing that we tell you know, people who are suicidal, can you just wait? Can you can you wait? Um I know you want to die, I know you you have that urge and that desire. Can you wait? Um, and if you can wait, if you can wait and you can get to the next hour, like you were saying, living hour to hour, if you can get to the next one and you can get to tomorrow. I mean, if you can keep waiting, things can change. But if you if you take your own life It's gone, you're it's a opportunity to wait that possibility of change, it's it's done. Um, and you are, like I've said, a a shining example of how things can change uh if you hang on and hold on and wait. Um, and Levi, I'm I'm so glad that you did.

Levi Mericle 50:46

Yeah. Well, me too, man. Me too. So and my parents, they like I put in the essay, they're they were relentless and they saw me through the other side, and they're they're happy I'm here as well. And I was gonna ask you a question, Gabe. Um Yeah.

A Poem About Depression

Levi Mericle 51:03

If I may, I I have a poem, uh, because I'm also a poet, and Laura said maybe I could read a poem on here. Before I leave, I wanted to know if I could just read um uh a quick poem.

Gabe Nathan 51:17

Please take us out with it.

Levi Mericle 51:20

That would be great. Um, this was I've I've written this more recently, and it is um a look into my past, but also as someone who struggles with depression and mental illness, it's it it's more relevant to today as well. It's called The Corner in a Dark Room. A letter to my depression. I've seen what they can do to people. The walls of plaster, of stucco, of painted borders and wallpapered corners, the walls have eyes that stare back. And if you look too long too deeply, it will swallow your mind like a black hole. In a state of utter despair, I hold my eyes in a place of mourning, staring at the walls I feared my whole life. Nobody's died. Nobody's dying. Yet I live in a constant degree of cold. It seems like tomorrow never comes. Today leans over the edge of time yet never jumps. The snow is piling up, and my mind can't seem to handle the frost. My thoughts are blank. My soul's transparent, and my heart only beats to the sound of the dripping faucet in the other room. I have no morals anymore. No permissions, no ambitions, no goals of any kind. I just sleep in between the countless hours of this staring contest with the walls. They taunt me. They lured me in with the their calm at first, but they never let go. I am not a son anymore. I am not a brother. I am not a man. I don't feel human. I don't feel empathy, I can't feel anything. Just the cold stare of the wallpaper I never stop looking at. I tell others I'm fine. I tell my loved ones it's just a phase, a bad moment in time, but the truth is far from what they think. Will I ever be the same? The person I once was? Will my mind ever return from this? My new abyss. Because it was a corner in a dark room where the walls became my lifeline. That's where I lost everything I've ever known. And that's where I found you.

Gabe Nathan 54:43

Levi Mericle, thank you for shedding some light into that corner in a dark room. It was such a pleasure to have you on the show today. Thank you.

Levi Mericle 54:51

Thank you so much, Gabe. You have a wonderful day.

Gabe Nathan 54:54

You too.

Closing And Where To Find More

Gabe Nathan 54:59

Thank you again for joining us in conversation today. It's beautiful to see the progression of our contributors. What a joy, what a miracle to have as our guest for today, Levi J. Mericle, a disabled pansexual poet, spoken-word artist, award-winning songwriter, children's author, and fiction writer from Tukum Carey, New Mexico. You can find his essay, I Now Sing the Songs Life Wants to Hear on our website. Before we leave you, we want to remind you to check out our website, recoverydiaries.org. There, like this podcast, you'll find additional stories, videos, and content about mental health, empowerment, and change. We look forward to continuing to grow our community. Thank you so much for being a part of it. We wouldn't be here without you. Be sure to join our mailing list so you never miss a podcast episode, essay, or film. I'm Gabe Nathan. Until next time, take good care.