Anxiety, OCD, and a Brain That Tries to Protect: Kayla Ackelson | RDID; 213

Today, Kayla Ackelson lives, breathes, and thrives through independent expressive, mixed media artistry. But it wasn't always that way. For years, she struggled with incessant worries-- about everything, from swimming to sleepovers, movies, the dark (where people often watch movies), to people she loved dying. Never fear, though; she had maladaptive coping strategies to "help" her through all of those unrelenting anxieties. Afraid your partner will leave you? Cling on tighter! Scared of things; just ratchet up the hypervigilence! Check on everyone, all the time. Check, check, check.

Then, check again; just to be sure.

Kayla knew living this way was unsustainable; she would hide at work, trying to pull herself together through her tears. It couldn't go on like this. Gradually, slowly, with therapy, with insight, with help; from herself and from others, she started to turn the corner. Medication, meditation, journaling, neuroplasticity, and the practical mental health habits that actually support recovery: sleep, hydration, easing up on caffeine, and making room for quiet came along for the ride, and now, she's in a better place. She's writing, creating, and is the host of her own podcast, Unhurried. She encourages you to pause, unwind, maybe have a cup of (not thoroughly caffeinated) tea, and listen.

We extend that invitation to you, too. We're so grateful to Kayla for coming on as a guest to talk about her mental health, her life, and her recovery. She reads her lovely essay, "It Was Cute Until It Wasn’t Anymore – My OCD, Anxiety, and Depression" aloud on the show, and it's a treat. 

If you’ve ever felt alone in your own mind, we hope this brings language, comfort, and a next step. Subscribe for more Recovery Diaries In Depth, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find these mental health stories.

Conversations like the ones on this podcast can sometimes be hard, but they’re always necessary. If you or someone you know is struggling, please consider visiting wannatalkaboutit.com. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call, text, or chat 988.

https://recoverydiaries.org/

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

Gabe Nathan 0:00

Hello, this is Recovery Diaries In Depth. I'm your host, Gabe Nathan. Thanks so much for joining us. We're very happy to have you here. We are so excited to have as our guest for today, fellow podcast host, writer, and mixed media artist, Kayla Ackelson. Her podcast is called Unhurried, and it is centered on slowing down and engaging in meaningful, honest conversation. Alongside her creative practice, Kayla's a mother, a teacher, and a firm believer in the power of living a simple, intentional life. Each week, we'll bring you a Recovery Diaries contributor, folks who have shared their mental health journey with us through essay or video format. We want to see where they are on their mental health journey since initially being published on our website. Our goal is to continue supporting our diverse community by having conversations here on our podcast to follow up and see what has shifted, what has changed, and what new things have emerged. We're so happy to have you along for this journey. We want to remind you to follow our show for new and back episodes at recoverydiaries.org. There, like the podcast, you'll find stories of mental health, empowerment, and change. You can also sign up for our mailing list there so you never miss a new podcast episode, essay, or film. And you can find this podcast pretty much anywhere you get your podcasts. We appreciate your comments and feedback about our show. It helps us improve, make changes, and grow. And of course, make sure to like, share, and subscribe. Kayla Ackelson, thank you so much for joining us on Recovery Diaries in Depth. It's lovely to have you here.

Kayla Ackleson 1:45

Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Gabe Nathan 1:48

It's it's really fun to be sitting and talking with you. Um, I edited your essay uh a long time ago. Um, and you know, all of that communication is done via email and like word doc changes and things like that. So it's really nice to be sitting with like the actual person um behind the essay. Um, and not just the person, but fellow anxious child. Yeah.

Speaker 2 2:09

Oh, yes.

Growing Up With Constant Fear

Gabe Nathan 2:09

I I just wrote an essay on um my Substack, which is called Literally Just a List of Things I'm Afraid of. Um, and I talk about a lot of the things I was scared of as a child and things that I'm still scared of now. And I, you know, it's part of what really resonated with me um in your essay. And I would love to hear a little bit about what that childhood was like for you.

Kayla Ackleson 2:35

Yeah, I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I had a great childhood, um, loving parents, loving sister. We went on so many adventures and great vacations and things. But there was always this sort of underlying nervousness that I didn't know was anxiety until I was actually out of college. So it took me 22 years about to realize what was going on. Um, I was always just nervous about everything and just sort of um up at night, you know, worrying about this or that. And I had a lot of anxious habits um that now looking back, I can see was sort of me trying to self-soothe. But yeah, I just considered myself a very nervous person. And it's interesting, you know, hindsight. I'm like, oh, that's what was going on.

Gabe Nathan 3:24

Yeah. So when you were doing those things to self-soothe, and we're gonna get to like what those things were. Um what was it like? Do you think looking back on it and maybe having conversations with your parents about it later for the family? Like, how did it manifest in terms of the family? And what kind of things did your parents pick up on or not pick up on? And how did they try to intervene or or not intervene? What was that dynamic like for you?

Kayla Ackleson 3:52

Yeah, I mean, it definitely affected everyone. I mean, uh, you know, I would have to come home from sleepovers in the middle of the night because I was so nervous about murderers and like, you know, bizarre things. Um, so my parents would have to get in the car and come pick me up. I was afraid to go on field trips. I was afraid to go on the bus to, you know, so I stayed home from school a lot. I had like chronic stomach issues, you know, nervous stomachs. It was just, there was so much going on. And I think a lot of my um anger as a little kid and sort of like feeling like I was misunderstood, it all stems from that. Um, but I didn't have the words to explain things. Um, I didn't know what was going on. So, you know, now I'm like so empathetic towards little Kayla, but you know, I didn't know. I didn't know any better. My parents did the best they could and kind of um made space for me to feel what I was feeling. But I think there's probably a lot of concern on their part too.

Gabe Nathan 4:53

Yeah. And and moving through like high school and college, how did that, how did, you know, little Kayla grow up into kind of older Kayla, adolescent Kayla, young adult Kayla? Um, you know, were the anxieties still there? Those self-soothing methods, either working or not, were those still there? How did that change?

Kayla Ackleson 5:14

Yeah, they they were definitely still there. I think the topic of my anxiety shifted um as I got older. You know, when I was really young, it was sort of being away from home was really scary for me. Being away from my mom was really scary. Um, I and then as I got older, it was more like disaster related. Um, you know, being out of control. I think in my essay, there's a line about being afraid of boys. Like I was just too afraid to let myself be seen. Um, and it really held me back from a lot. Uh, in college, it was always like worst case scenario. I'm gonna go to this party and, you know, I'm not gonna come home. I'm gonna get taken. You know, it just and it seems so silly saying out loud, but it really is just like an overwhelming fear that kind of takes over and you don't know what's happening until you're able to sit down maybe with a therapist or a loved one and talk through it. Um so yeah, and then it really I sort of grasped onto relationships and making sure people were always pleased with me, always happy with me. I wasn't hurting anyone's feelings. Um, you know, I'm a I I call myself a recovering people pleaser because, you know, in one sense, I want to make sure people like me because I care.

Gabe Nathan 6:29

Sure.

Kayla Ackleson 6:29

But in the other sense, it's like, when does it become exhausting? You know?

Gabe Nathan 6:33

Well, not only exhausting, but when do you lose yourself in the never-ending quest to please other people? Because that's gonna happen eventually.

Kayla Ackleson 6:43

Yes. And it did. And it definitely did. And I feel like I'm on the other side of it now where I really have a good understanding of who I am and sort of my values and my style and everything. Like, but it it took a really long time because I was so busy blending in.

Gabe Nathan 7:00

And that's, I mean, and that's part of like the the core childhood experience, right? Like, so I have twins who are 14 and I look at the bus stop, you know, when they're all gathered there, and it's so homogenous, and they're all buying the same fucking hoodies. I mean, you you can see I'm in my daughter's room now, like you can see the hoodies. There's so many here on her hanging on her door. Um, and uh it's it's that that insatiable desire to fit in and blend in and be seen. But then I guess developmentally that changes, right? When you're like in high school and in college, that's when you want to like spread your wings and be an individual and and really establish your identity. But I wonder if for you that desire to blend in and assimilate or or be unseen, if that kind of stuck.

Kayla Ackleson 7:54

Yeah, yeah, it definitely did. I mean, um, I was I've always been an artist, I've always been a creative, but it was sort of like a safe creative, right? So I I did end up going to school for fine arts. Um, but I still wanted to be like a normal college student. I didn't want to be seen as an art student. Whereas looking back, I'm like, kudos to those guys just living their life, being exactly who they were, and they knew exactly what they wanted to look like and dress like and express themselves at 18, 19, 20. Whereas I was like, yes, I'm an artist, but I'm also a cool college kid, right? Right, right.

How Anxiety Shifts With Age

Gabe Nathan 8:31

Indistinguishable. They wouldn't know you could pass for the case.

Kayla Ackleson 8:36

Yes. Whereas now I'm like, I love the things that stand out about people. I love quirks and and people's like niche interests, you know. But yeah, I think I just cared so much about being cool or being liked.

Gabe Nathan 8:50

Can you t talk a little bit about depression? Because that's like a lot of your essay and a lot of what I know about you from that piece is it's OCD and anxiety related, but depression is is in there as well. And can you talk a little bit about your your experience with that? How and when it manifested? Um, you know, what was it like during that time that we were talking about childhood, um, adolescence and early adulthood?

Kayla Ackleson 9:18

Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's it's one of those things it's hard to think back on because I didn't really know what was going on. There was just a lot of times where I felt so down and just didn't feel like enough. Um and like it would take a lot for me to maybe get out of bed and you know, get ready for the day and go and act quote unquote normal. Right. Whereas now I see that I was struggling with depression and um, you know, probably wasn't I wasn't living like the healthiest lifestyle to take care of that. Um I think I still struggle with being busy. It's something I'm actively working on, but I think I try and fill my calendar and I try to like always have something going on so I don't have to sit alone with myself. And I saw that a lot in college. Um, I just didn't want any downtime to be able to sit and realize, like, oh, there's this sort of like this hurt, this overwhelming sense of hurt in my heart.

Gabe Nathan 10:21

And that's I I I feel like I hear that a lot from people who live with mental health challenges. I'm I'm doing X, Y, or Z things so I don't have to feel. Um, and it can be extreme, like I'm I'm cutting so I don't have to feel, I'm self-medicating with alcohol and drugs, so I don't have to feel, or I'm just busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, so I don't have to feel, I don't have to think about what's lacking or what's missing or what's hurting in me. Um and I wonder like how you're how you're navigating that now. What is what is downtime like for you now?

Kayla Ackleson 11:02

Yeah, like I said, I I packed my schedule full um up until maybe two years ago. Now I'm like really, I'm really trying to give myself breathing room. I'm really trying to do less and be okay with the quiet. Um, meditation has been huge in my own recovery just because you kind of get used to that uncomfortable feeling of sitting with your thoughts and just labeling them. Um, that's been huge. I just now I make space as often as I can. It's not every day. I wish it was every day, but to sit and journal and kind of brain dump what's going on in here so that it doesn't feel as heavy. Um I take a lot of walks in nature where I it is just quiet. It's just me and the birds and the animals and the trees. And I kind of invite those thoughts to kind of come out. I often speak out loud, which I'm sure can seem odd to people, you know, who are nearby, but it's so healing for me to actually have that space now to be quiet.

Gabe Nathan 12:09

Yeah. And and it's amazing what what the quiet can unlock, um, what being out in nature can can evoke in you. Um and and writing, of course. I mean, obviously, as the executive director of a mental health storytelling platform, I strongly advocate um writing for your mental health. But whether it's whether it's published or not, whether it's a journal or not, um, it's just such a beautiful way to explore what's happening in you. And I wonder if writing was always part of your life. Um and, you know, what that was like for you when you kind of first dabbled into it.

Kayla Ackleson 12:48

Not in the sense that it is now. I think again, I was so afraid someone was gonna like read my diary or someone was going to know that I wasn't this perfect little package of a person. Um and I think that's sort of the masking idea, right? I was putting on a mask. Um so no, I wouldn't say I used writing at all in that sense until I realized, oh, I can actually write this down and throw it away. I can rip it apart, I can throw it out. Um, I've done ceremonial burnings of things, you know, it. And I think once I realized that you can write things down and release them and nobody's gonna know about it, it was so healing. Now I'm on the other side and I'm like doing the exact opposite, where I'm sharing my writing with everybody and saying, look, this is how I'm feeling. You're probably you might be feeling it too. And again, I think it just comes with age or maybe experiences, just realizing like a lot of people are dealing with the same intrusive thoughts you are. A lot of people are dealing with the same struggles as you, you know. But I I don't think I would have been able to do that 10 years ago. It just it was like a comfort thing that I had to to access.

Depression And The Busy Trap

Gabe Nathan 14:05

Well, one of the things that that my therapist um likes to, he likes to play this game with me, um, the what if game. And or so I'll say, you know, well, you know, someone, let's just say, so if I put something out there, then someone's gonna read it and you know, they're gonna judge me or they're gonna think this, and they'll say, okay, and then what? Um, okay, I guess the game is called and then what? It's not what if. And then what? And then, you know, I'll talk about, okay, well, then I'll feel like this and and then, you know, another, okay, you'll feel like that, and then what? Right. And because that's that's what anxiety does. It's like, well, this could happen and that could happen, that could happen. And just having that other person um counter that by asking, okay, yeah, that that might happen. And then what? And I'm through therapy, I'm trying trying to train myself to ask myself that question instead of having to pay him and go to him and have him ask it to me. But I wonder if that was a kind of similar experience for you, kind of enabling you to turn that corner from being private with writing or writing it to burn it or flush it or whatever, to writing it and putting it out there in a in a way that it's it's not going to go away.

Kayla Ackleson 15:16

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think um, you know, the first time I ever wrote or published anything that felt very vulnerable, I had painted um text onto a canvas and shared it publicly. And it was basically just saying, like, I'm doing my best, I'm messing up left and right, I say the F word too much. Like it was very stream of consciousness style writing. And people went crazy for it. They loved it. And to me, I was like, oh, this like unlocked like a new level of community for me. I I don't know, I must have just been feeling really brave and sharing it. I was postpartum after my son was born and just feeling all the feels. And so now I'm like, I still get that nervousness, like, how will people react? But once I see how many people um, you know, resonate with it or feel the same way or thank me even, I'm like, this is why I'm an artist, this is why I'm sharing. And I don't think it's for everyone. I'm not saying everyone has to, but for me, it has been so healing to know that my words can resonate with someone else.

Gabe Nathan 16:29

Yeah. And I think, you know, a couple things. Yes, it is not for everyone. And like when I think about our site, I think about the people who step forward and put themselves out there. And then I also think about the people behind the screens who are reading it and who may have a story to tell, but they're not ready yet or may never be ready. And that's why people like you are here. Um, to to be able to reach through the screen to those people. They may never comment, they may never like something, they may never say anything, but they're being impacted in a positive way. Um and I I think that's extraordinary and and so, so helpful. Um and you know, you you making that decision to to be there and that to be that forward-facing, uh it's not easy. Um and I'm sure it comes with reservations and and anxieties and stressors. Um but you're able to to push through it and do it anyway. And I don't know, I just think it's very, very powerful. I'm just very grateful to to people like you who decide to do it.

Kayla Ackleson 17:35

Thank you. Yeah. And I think kind of like you said, I I receive so many DMs and private messages from people who would never like it or comment on it publicly. And that's okay. I, you know, I'm not asking them to do that, but I think that says a lot is that they are taking the time to reach out to me in private to let me know that, hey, this really, you know, helped me feel a certain way. Um, but maybe no one would know that otherwise.

Gabe Nathan 18:01

Right. And also, and people who would react negatively, that's on them. Like that's your they're responsible for how they feel. And it's not your responsibility to take that on. And someone may have some kind of reaction. Okay, like and you can free yourself of that um and just take in the good. And I think that's it's important to acknowledge that there are those people out there. Some of them are just straight up haters uh who are gonna do that no matter what is what good is put out into the world. Um but yeah, that's that's on them to figure out. Um I wanna to move to talking about OCD. And I I think it's such an important part of your story, uh your your personal story and your essay. And I think it is so misunderstood. Um and I think that there's a lot of like bullshit that's put out there by either the media or on social media through influencers, um, that is really misinformation, unhelpful, stigmatizing, incorrect. Um so I would just love to hear from you a little bit about how obsessive-compulsive disorder has manifested in your life um and what it's been like for you to live with it.

Writing As Release And Connection

Kayla Ackleson 19:32

Yeah, I think it's important to say I haven't done as much work on it as maybe I should. I think there's some anxiousness there. Like, oh, if I really dive into this, what else am I gonna learn about myself? Um so it's something I'm actively working on with a therapist. But yeah, I a good example is growing up. I always say, like, if I saw an animal on the side of the road when I was in the car, I would have to instantly pray, or that animal would get hit by the car. Right. So I was giving myself all this power, or I felt like I had all this power. Um and, you know, it's sort of sweet and it's like, oh, cute, but it was really debilitating. And it's sort of it got to the point where I was constantly praying because I felt like I had to, or someone in my life was gonna pass away, or something bad was gonna happen to people. And I still catch myself doing it a lot, um, which is tricky because it's like, where do you draw the line? Like prayer is helpful for a lot of people, but when does it become um, you know, a compulsion, right? And so I'm still diving into that and still figuring that out. But I agree, I didn't know what OCD was until again, when I was maybe like 24, 25. I thought it was just like a cleanliness thing. Um I definitely used like OCD as a negative term, like, oh, that that person's so OCD, right? You know, and and I was just naive and, you know, unaware. But now I'm I'm really trying to be um careful about my language. Like I don't like to say um I'm obsessed with things, or I don't like using that word because, you know, we don't fully understand what people are going through. Um and so, you know, you can say that about a lot of terms. And so I'm trying to like educate myself and and now that I understand that a lot of my thinking patterns were and are OCD, I underst I feel like I'm more empathetic for other people too. I'm like, oh, maybe this is what's going on. Or, you know, this isn't just them acting this way. Maybe it's it's a compulsion.

Gabe Nathan 21:40

Right. And I it's so interesting what you were saying about being a child and and praying when you would see an animal. And you use the word power. Like it, I gave myself so much power. I think the other thing that you were doing to little Kayla is giving her so much responsibility.

Speaker 2 21:57

Yes.

Gabe Nathan 21:58

You you bore the responsibility. Responsibility for whether that squirrel was going to make it across the street safely or not.

Speaker 2 22:04

Exactly.

Gabe Nathan 22:05

You know, what's going to happen to that raccoon? Like, that's my responsibility. And that's a lot to put on a child. And so much stress and worry and anxiety. And that just must have been so hard for you. So I just want to like kind of just name that.

Kayla Ackleson 22:26

Yeah. And again, it's like hindsight. I look back at little Kayla and she just, you know, cared so much about other creatures of all sizes. And I think, like you said, I was putting so much responsibility on myself to keep others safe and happy. And, you know, it all, it all circles back on itself. It's all the same thing.

Gabe Nathan 22:46

Yeah. So I don't even know. I mean, I I read your essay a couple of times preparing for this interview, but I'm not even sure if this is mentioned in particular. Like, was there some kind of turning point? You mentioned like early 20s, um, you know, getting into therapy. What helped you move from like, I'm just Kayla and I don't know what the hell's going on with me. This is just who I am and this is what I do. Um, this is how I roll, to like, oh, okay, maybe there's something here that needs to be addressed professionally and getting into that work.

Kayla Ackleson 23:26

Yeah. I was working at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Um, I had this great shiny job and I spent half the day in the bathroom behind a closed door, just like deep breathing and like trying not to cry all day. It was just the tears were right here. Um and so I was like, what is going on? I could I was afraid to drive in the car by myself because again, I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. Um, I was really just very afraid to be alone of myself with myself. Um, and it actually got to the point where like I was I wasn't gonna do anything to hurt myself, but I was like, if something happens, is that the worst thing? Right. Like I was just in so much mental pain. I was like, this is terrible. Um, and so I finally said something to my mom and I was like, I don't know what's going on. I'm just like a mess. I'm I'm really having trouble. I wasn't sleeping, you know. I was just loading up on caffeine to get through the day. And and she said, okay. She was so like matter of fact, like, it's no big deal. We're gonna go find someone who can help you and they'll have some answers. And thank God she did that. I I went and saw a therapist and um, you know, it she was like, Oh, what you're dealing with is anxiety. And she put a name to it and it was so helpful. And, you know, it took years to sort of unpack everything that was going on. But, you know, that first therapist really was a huge help. Um, since then, I've been in therapy basically on and off for a couple of years now. And it's just been really, really helpful to sort of recognize my own patterns and to realize um the responsibility I was putting on myself, like you said. And yeah, I think it just got to the point where I wasn't functioning. Um and that's when I knew I needed to talk to someone. And so my mom was my safe person, and so she put me in in touch with someone.

Gabe Nathan 25:25

That's that's really lovely. Um and the last guest I talked to, um, Levi, has such a wonderful relationship with his parents, and they were like, you know, his his safe people and stuck with him through everything and multiple suicide attempts and and just a really, really, really difficult um adolescence and young adulthood. And and I think like anytime we can give a shout out to parents who are doing the right thing by their children, because not every parent does, um, I think that's really important.

Kayla Ackleson 26:00

So yeah, good job. So true. Good job, Mom.

Gabe Nathan 26:02

So true.

Kayla Ackleson 26:03

Yeah, she made it feel comfortable to talk to her about things like that, uh, of that weight. And yeah, I'm so grateful.

Gabe Nathan 26:12

So, okay, so mom was there for you, and and mom responded, and I have a question about your colleagues. So, like this is this is something that is that I think a lot about, and I think a lot about in relation to my own colleagues. Um, at a time when I was doing really, really, really badly. Um, and you know, at this time in my life, I was working at a locked inpatient psychiatric hospital. So you would think that those would be the people who would really have their radar up for one of their own who was really falling apart, as a lot of us were in that environment, as I'm sure you can understand. And yet I feel like even though I felt it was really obvious how fucked up I was, I feel like people just didn't notice or saw and didn't intervene or whatever it was. Um, but like we spend so much time with our colleagues. If we're at a full-time job, we're with them, you know, as much as or more than our partners in our waking hours or like other people in our family. So, like, did people at work notice a supervisor, colleagues? Um, did people pick up on anything? And if they did, did they talk to you?

OCD Beyond The Stereotypes

Kayla Ackleson 27:31

You know, again, it comes back to the masking. I was working so hard to not appear anxious that I think some of my um my actions and things came off as like flaky or rude, even, I'm sure. Like, if I was late to work, it's because I couldn't get out of bed to get in the car to get to work. But I would never say that, right? And so, again, looking back, I think if I had gone to my boss, who is who was just the sweetest person and said, I'm going through this thing, I don't know what's going on. They would have given me so much grace. But because I was afraid to be seen as weak or like a bad employee, it I think it came off as as something different, as like, no, I don't want to go out for a happy hour because I'm afraid. I don't know, like I was too afraid. Um yeah, it, you know, I think I know what to look for now in people, like a sort of a nervous energy. And like, you know, I I probably looked like I was crying all the time. But yeah, I think either they didn't want to be rude and and ask because I hadn't brought it up myself, or I did a good enough job hiding it that they didn't think to ask.

Gabe Nathan 28:49

Yeah, and it's incredible like the the amount of performance necessary to function as someone who lives through mental health challenges, like all of the acting and all of the work that you have to do to get through the day. Um, so that people don't know when all we really want is for someone to know and someone to notice and someone to reach out a hand and say, Hey, I see you trying, uh, but I also see you not doing well. And, you know, come on in the office, let's close the door and let's talk. Um and I think it's so important for supervisors, for colleagues, um, for anyone in a work environment to be educated about mental health. Again, because we spend so much time with these people, to notice when something might be off. To like, it's not just again, it's not just Kayla's responsibility to ask for help. It's other people's responsibility to notice and say something and just ask. Like, are you okay? Like, I've noticed you've been to work late, you know, five times this month. Um, I've noticed that you disappear at certain times during the day. Is something going on that we can talk about? Not just be immediately punitive, um, but have a conversation, like create workplaces where we can do that. Um, and it's not a it's not a threat or a taboo. And again, I think that's also part of the work that you and our other writers do in terms of education. Um, the more people know, the more they take that into their family lives, their households, their workplaces, their communities.

Kayla Ackleson 30:35

Yep.

Gabe Nathan 30:36

Um and I don't know. I just like to think that that's how change happens. Um Yeah.

Kayla Ackleson 30:41

And I mean, now I I don't hesitate to to text my friends and be like, hey, you know what? I can't come out tonight. I really need to focus on my mental health. I really need a a self-care day, or, you know, block in time on my calendar because I can feel myself kind of going down, you know. It but again, I did I didn't know any better. I just wanted to hide it and be the best employee.

Gabe Nathan 31:05

Yeah. Well, let's help people know better. Um, we're gonna move into your essay, which uh I think is it's it's lovely written um and also very, very helpful. So it is called It Was Cute Until It Wasn't Anymore. My OCD, anxiety, and depression. Take it away.

Masking At Work And Missing Signs

Kayla Ackleson 31:26

Growing up, I was fearful of everything. Strangers, asking to go to the bathroom during school, sleepovers, South Street, cars with loud mufflers, tornadoes, and my chances of getting swept up in one, despite how incredibly rare they are in Pennsylvania. Break-ins, heights, boys, prolonged eye contact, movies, basements, dying, or a family member dying, swimming, the dark, my dog running away. You name it. It kept me up at night. I would listen to Delilah Lovet on the radio every single night because it very quickly became my safety blanket. She had the calmest voice and healed broken heart through music. I would mask the best I could because I was the wild one, the fun one, the jokester. I never took anything too seriously. I was unfazed by others. I felt that my job was to lighten the mood and make everyone feel comfortable. And that is something I still struggle with. Fast forward to adulthood, and my nervous energy wasn't so cute anymore. Panic attacks, googling every single symptom, pretending to be the most easy-going one in every room, people pleasing my way through life. You are only really you when no one is looking. I wanted to get my nose pierced, but didn't because I was so crippled by the fear of judgment. I stayed in the lines and behaved. When you don't cause trouble, no one worries about you. Not like they were purposefully ignoring me, but they didn't see the signs because I was, I became so good at hiding them. Don't worry, there's light at the end of this tunnel. Hold your breath for good luck. I finally admitted to myself and my mom that I had what I believed to be anxiety and depression. Therapy made sense and helped bit by bit. I would catch myself masking, even in therapy, to be a good girl. On paper, everything looked perfect. Boyfriend, job at a great cultural institution, great family. I was in the prime of my life, adorably cute. But I was literally pulling my hair out and thinking about death and thinking it might be easier to just run away. My thoughts started to scare me and I was afraid to be alone with myself. I didn't necessarily want to end my life, but thought it would be easier if something outside of my control had happened to me. All of this to say, I had to rewire my brain and fast. Neuroplasticity saved my life. I started reading books on it, and boom, it ends up you can change the way you think. Yay! I added turmeric into my diet. I cut out coffee, my one true love, alcohol, worked out harder, ate blueberries like it was my job, was absorbed with researching anxiety and the brain. It started as a good thing and very quickly became an obsession. And I don't say that lightly. It ended up I was experiencing OCD, and here I thought OCD was just a cleanliness thing or a hand washing thing. I couldn't have been more wrong. All of those things were not bad, but because I was obsessing, they became unhealthy habits. I was so worried about losing my partner, I was clinging tighter, tighter. I constantly checked in on everything and everyone. I was hyper-vigilant, scarier thoughts than before. I found a new therapist and really liked them. We decided it was OCD and the crowd cheered. The weight on my shoulders lifted and things felt lighter. I learned to not fight against my compulsions. I learned to be an observer. Notice the thought, let it pass by without grabbing onto it. Not every thought needs my attention. I was in control, not my intrusive thoughts. Cool. I decided to give medication a go, because why not? The antidepressant works so well, I think I don't need to be on it. It was still difficult, but things started to take shape. Years went by from the start of this journey. One day you wake up and you realize you aren't thinking the thoughts you thought you'd think forever anymore. The thing you were obsessing over is gone or shifted or doesn't feel as heavy. I meditate when I remember to, and I drink more water and I'm kinder to myself. I do my best and give myself grace because I am a first-time human being. Or at least I think I am. And I've lived before, I'm unaware of it. I'm not responsible for the way others feel or what they think about me anymore. Maybe I will pierce my nose to show myself that I am the kind of person who does get a nose piercing. Multidimensional. I'm a proud, complex human being. I have good days and bad days and in-between days, and it is all so wonderful. Tough days are just a reminder now to slow down. Maybe this journey has led me to be stronger and more empathetic. I'm excited to see what is next and where this journey goes. No longer afraid. Just being here and showing up authentically and messily, and maybe that will lead to something beautiful. That's it.

Gabe Nathan 36:11

Did you get your nose pierced? I can't see from here.

Kayla Ackleson 36:15

I didn't. I do think about it from time to time, but I don't know. I'm still on the table.

unknown 36:20

Yeah.

Gabe Nathan 36:21

Stay tuned. We we who knows. Um who knows? Wow, I just came out that way. Um, that was so that was so great to listen to in your own voice. Um, it's I read these essays aloud when we when we put them up on the website as an accessibility thing, just so people who either, if they have low vision or maybe they just like to consume essays in an audio format can just have that. Um, but it's way, way better um to hear the author read it with their own inflection. So thank you so much for doing that. Um, what was it like to go back to that, not just that essay, but to the time in your life when you wrote it?

Kayla Ackleson 37:04

Oh, I just want to give that version of me such a big hug. And I wish I could say to her, like, it's all gonna be okay. Cause it it really didn't feel like it at the time. Um but now I'm like, you had to go through some of those things to become this stronger, healthier version of you. Um and I think all of this would have happened in one way or another. And it just, you know, the timing, it had to happen so that I could be who I am now.

Gabe Nathan 37:34

What did it feel like at the time?

Kayla Ackleson 37:40

I just felt so alone. So alone. I was the only one going through this. Um I very much thought I was going crazy. And you know, I don't mean that to make fun of anyone. Um but I very much thought I was losing it.

Gabe Nathan 37:57

And that, like, you know, mental illness tells us so many lies and so many stories. And the biggest one I think is that it's it's you. It's only you. You're the only one this fucked up, and you're and not only that, but it's always gonna be like this. Um this is who you are, this is how your brain is wired. You can go to therapy, you can take medication, you can meditate, you can do all this stuff, but it's always gonna be fucked up you with your fucked up brain. And that's the story, right? Um, and so I don't know, how did you work to convince yourself that that wasn't true? Because you really do have to fight against it pretty hard.

Kayla Ackleson 38:36

Absolutely. I I remember sitting at a coffee shop and just like looking around at people laughing and smiling. And I was like, how come I don't get that? How come old Kayla had that at one point and I'll never get that back? I'll never be happy again. So you're right, it it very much anxiety very much tells you like this is permanent. Um I think for me, research was power. Um again, I think, you know, in small doses, I think understanding that the brain can change was huge for me because it was like, oh, this isn't permanent. This is just my brain trying to protect me in a really shitty way. It was trying to keep me safe by playing small, basically. And so once I understood that this is just the brain, I think it gave me that power. It was like, oh, the power is back in my hands. I can work on changing it. It's gonna take a long time, but I can try and focus on the good. I can try and focus on gratitude. Um, I can add more good things into my day, right? You know, I maybe I can't do less negative thinking, but maybe I can crowd out some of that negative thinking. And so I think meditation was the biggest thing for me therapy and meditation.

Gabe Nathan 39:52

Mm-hmm. And and not just like having less negative thoughts or or putting in other things, but also maybe being better or more skilled at challenging them or reality testing them. Like, oh, is this true? Is this thing that I'm thinking really true? Or is this thing that I'm thinking worth my time to kind of wrestle with? And and on the subject of wrestling too, like one of the things that I've had to learn about my anxiety is that it's not my enemy. It's trying to be my friend, like you said. It's just not, it's just a shitty friend. Um and it's it's going about it in the wrong way. Um, and it's I've I've really had to unlearn anger at my anxiety and really try to learn empathy and be like, oh, yeah. You just, you just want to help me. I get it. Like you're just trying to make sure the car doesn't go off the road. You're really trying to, you know, try to steer it for me. It's like, no, I can steer. It's okay. And you can sit here in the passenger seat, but you are not driving the car. I am.

Speaker 2 41:02

Yes.

Hearing The Essay In Full

Gabe Nathan 41:03

Um, but it's so, so, so hard. It is.

Kayla Ackleson 41:07

Um and it almost feels abstract talking about it. Um, especially when you can distance yourself a little bit from it, or maybe you haven't had as many like panic attacks lately, right? Like it, it's almost like, wait, what is that like? It I guess that's a a good problem to have. But yeah, it's realizing that this is just my brain trying to take care of me by trying to keep me safe in in this lane. Um and I often catch myself saying, Oh, I see you thought, thank you. Like, yep. And it's just helpful to rem remember that not all of our thoughts are true.

Gabe Nathan 41:45

Right. And yeah, and thoughts are just thoughts. They're not actions, and they're you know they're not necessarily true. They're just things, and we can let them in and out. Um, we don't have to hang on to them and or try to like wrestle them to the floor and and subdue them. Um they can come and go. And I don't know if we can get to that place. It's a really peaceful place to be. Um I'm curious about like obviously it's been years since you published this essay on the on the site. Like, what has changed in your life in terms of like the ebbs and flow of your mental health and your your recovery since then?

Kayla Ackleson 42:27

It's interesting because since I published this, I feel like I've gone through more difficult things in my life, but I'm able to handle them better than maybe I would have been able to when I wrote this. Uh, because I've done the work, I've put in the work, and I'm actively seeking to view my life through better lenses, if that makes sense. Um, I very much remind myself that whatever we give energy to grows. And so I am reminding myself of all the things I have to be grateful for, even on the worst days. Um, and you know, I I know I have it good in the grand scheme of things, and I remind myself of that. I think um just prioritizing my my health in general. Like I put in that essay, drinking more water, right? Like making sure I'm actually sleeping, like the unsexy stuff. But it really does help me label thoughts. Um, whereas when I'm all caffeinated up, I haven't slept, I'm moody, I'll have a scary thought and I I will go down the rabbit hole. Whereas when I'm taking care of myself, it's much easier to be like, let's stop. I don't need to, I don't need to follow that one. Um I think recognizing thoughts is easier now too, just because I know what to look for. Uh I usually say to people, if it feels scary and urgent, it's probably anxiety. Um other other times, like you can just kind of sit and think on something. It shouldn't feel urgent and like. Depressing.

Gabe Nathan 44:02

And yeah. And I think those unsexy things, that self-care stuff, that's not like a day at the spa or whatever, or an exotic vacation. It's those things are so fundamental. Um, and I hear people talk about them specifically related to bipolar disorder. Like I really need to make sure that I sleep. I really need to make sure that I eat well. I really need to make sure that I take my medication at the proper time. Uh, but it's applicable to everyone, um, no matter what you're dealing with, mental health diagnosis or not. Having those like really foundational building blocks to keep you stable is so important because, like you said, you've been going through really difficult things since you wrote this essay. And recovery doesn't mean difficult things stop.

Speaker 2 44:52

Right.

Gabe Nathan 44:53

Um, it doesn't mean life stops throwing challenges at you. It does mean that you're better equipped to deal with them. And and that that unsexy stuff really, really helps.

Kayla Ackleson 45:04

Yeah. Yeah. I think just in general, we can function better when we are taking care of ourselves. And yeah, mental health, you know, is much easier to manage when you're taking care of yourself.

What Recovery Looks Like Now

Gabe Nathan 45:18

Well, I am so grateful to you for spending some time with us. Um please keep taking care of yourself. Um and yeah, keep keep putting yourself out there when it feels right and and comfortable to do so because it does help and we appreciate it.

Kayla Ackleson 45:34

Yeah, I think it's it's important to remember we're not alone, and that's why I I do put my work out.

Gabe Nathan 45:42

Thank you. Thank you for doing it, Kayla.

Kayla Ackleson 45:44

Yeah, thank you. Thank you for having me.

Gabe Nathan 45:50

Thank you again for joining us in conversation today. It's beautiful to see the progression of our contributors. We are so very grateful to Kayla Ackleson. She's a writer, mixed media artist, and podcast host based in Reading, Pennsylvania. Her work is rooted in themes of self-awareness, healing, and intentional living. She's the creator and host of Unhurried, a podcast centered on slowing down and engaging in meaningful, honest conversation. You can find her essay, It Was Cute Until It Wasn't Anymore, by OCD, Anxiety and Depression, on our website. Before we leave you, we want to remind you to check out our website, recoverydiaries.org. There, like this podcast, you'll find additional stories, videos, and content about mental health, empowerment, and change. We look forward to continuing to grow our community. Thank you so much for being a part of it. We wouldn't be here without you. Be sure to join our mailing list so you never miss a podcast episode, essay, or film. I'm Gabe Nathan. Until next time, take good care.