A Screenwriter with Bipolar Disorder Rewrites His Recovery; Coli Sylla | RDID; 216

Someone once turned to our guest, Coli Sylla, and said to him, “Keep that mental health crap to yourself.” Thankfully, that bullshit didn't fly.

Award-winning screenwriter and director Coli Sylla talks about what happens when creativity, bipolar disorder, trauma, and ambition collide. While the entertainment industry has changed significantly over the last few decades, as Coli can attest there are parts of that world that still punish vulnerability, and encourage people with mental health challenges to  shrink themselves.

Coli opens up about bipolar II disorder, ADHD, generalized anxiety, and how he manages depression, especially when grief and life stress hit at the same time. Coli talks openly about how living with mental health challenges as a Black man is different, and how many of his peers simply lack the language to express themselves, or know what to do when one of their own opens up. Coli reads aloud his powerful essay, “The Death That Gifted My Purpose, Living and Writing with Trauma and Bipolar Disorder,” recounting the night his college roommate Troy died and how a 3 a.m. wake-up has haunted him for decades.

Coli talks about the practical side of recovery: therapy, medication management, sleep, sleep, and sleep, and building a creative life that can survive mood shifts. Coli is working on a new film, f.31.9, the diagnostic code for bipolar disorder. We celebrate his creativity, his ambition, and his recovery in this compelling interview you won't want to miss. 

Conversations like the ones on this podcast can sometimes be hard, but they’re always necessary. If you or someone you know is struggling, please consider visiting wannatalkaboutit.com. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call, text, or chat 988.

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Transcript

Welcome To Recovery Diaries In Depth

Gabe Nathan 0:01

Hello, this is Recovery Diaries in Depth. I'm your host, Gabe Nathan. Thanks so much for joining us. We're very happy to have you here. We are so grateful to have as our guest today Coli Sylla. He's an award-winning screenwriter currently in pre-production for his directorial debut film F31.9, which is the diagnostic code for bipolar disorder. You can explore his work at coli sylla.com or on Instagram at underscore writerwriter. Each week, we'll bring you a recovery diaries contributor, folks who have shared their mental health journey with us through essay or video format. We want to see where they are on their mental health journey since initially being published on our website. Our goal is to continue supporting our diverse community by having conversations here on our podcast to follow up and see what has shifted, what has changed, and what new things have emerged. We're so happy to have you along for this journey. We want to remind you to follow our show for new and back episodes at recoverydiaries.org. There, like the podcast, you'll find stories of mental health, empowerment, and change. You can also sign up for our mailing list there so you never miss a new podcast episode, essay, or film. And you can find this podcast pretty much anywhere you get your podcasts. We appreciate your comments and feedback about our show. It helps us improve, make changes, and grow. And of course, make sure to like, share, and subscribe.

Meet Coli Sylla The Storyteller

Gabe Nathan 1:44

Thank you for having me. I'm I'm excited. Um, well, so uh can you just introduce yourself a little bit to our listeners um who may not know you? Um they're gonna get to know you very well through this interview and through your essay. But who is who is Coli?

Coli Sylla 2:02

Coli. Coli Sylla. Coli Sylla is a writer and a documentarian. Um, two titles that I proudly own nowadays. Um but I am I am uh just a uh a deep thinker and observer of humanity. And I'm not I'm not trying to talk in like these vague terms, but I am really driven by the curiosity of of who we are as people. And so, you know, as a as a uh uh aspire, not aspiring, as a screenwriter with over 20 years of experience still trying to push the needle forward um and also uh documentarian equal amount of time. Um I currently host and produce a web series called Where I'm From, where I essentially just go throughout different neighborhoods within the city of Philadelphia and interview people on their experiences growing up in their neighborhoods. Um it's been an amazing um experience, and it was an experience that came out of uh really challenging times. And so I'm rewarded every time I get to sit down with a resident from a different neighborhood within the city and just listen to their story and and find myself and their experiences and and and make that that uh connection. So yeah, I I hope I answered that question as far as who I am.

Gabe Nathan 3:30

You answered it beautifully, and you did something that I don't even think you were intending to do, but you made such an effortless connection between who you are and who we are at Recovery Diaries. Like I feel like that intense curiosity about human beings, um, that uh that desire to want to go deeper and find out who we really are as people, what moves us, um what uh helps us grow and change, what affects us and impacts us deeply. That kind of curiosity about human nature is what we are all about. And I think it's part of like a mutual uh attraction um that we have in here. And I think we're also you and uh we are really invested in kind of that intersection of creativity and and mental health and human storytelling. Um, you know, we're doing very similar things. Our documentary film crew at Fresh Fly going out pounding the streets of Philadelphia, talking to people um profiling a hip hop therapist from West Philly, um, setting up setting up cameras in Rittenhouse Square and just talking to random people uh about one thing that they do for their mental health. Um it's it's that's that's the driver, right? And that's where we're getting that's where we're getting at life. It's it's human storytelling. And I'm I'm so curious to know how you got into it and how your your journey with storytelling has evolved over the years.

Coli Sylla 5:09

Yeah,

Curiosity Childhood And Finding Stories

Coli Sylla 5:10

okay. Um I got into it. Okay, so I have a bit of an interesting background. Um, I am the son, I'm the youngest, um, of uh a strict Muslim father and a dedicated Christian mother. I was born in Philadelphia, but I was raised in West Africa. And I was the the the my mom, she was just like this. She is just like she was very, you know, you can do anything in the world. There's no such thing as a dumb question. You ask away, and I would just naturally curious asking these questions. I remember uh one question that she always reminds me of is I asked her, like, do stars come with batteries when I was a kid? Like, how do they stay illuminated in the sky? And she always remembers that. But I I was the kid who would walk around, you know, with Newsweek magazines, Time magazines, and just reading. I remember we had spent the summer in I I lived in Lomay Togo uh in West Africa, and we had spent the summer in Guinea, uh, which is where my dad is from. And I remember it was I I can't this was 1989, and my history, my memory and my history is is going to be very tricky. But there was a uh uh like a terrorist bombing of a plane, um, and Newsweek magazine did a profile of like I believe it was the victims or or just the whole case. But I remember getting a tape recorder and a radio and reading it like I was a newscaster. And it just it it I just had so much fun and just seeing how these stories unfold and and and and how they're told. And and I just was always a reader. I remember when we came to the United States in the mid-80s um to help with the because I I had a really challenging time assimilating into Western culture. Um that's a whole nother episode. But you know, I I it was it was traumatic at times, you know, not like traumatic, traumatic, but it was it was jarring at times. And my mom introduced me to uh the writing of a gentleman by the name of Walter Dean Myers, who has since uh passed away, but he wrote this book called Fast Sam, Cool Clyde, and Stuff, and another book called Won't Know Till I Get There, and it was just these coming-of-age stories about these kids just dealing with everyday stuff that I was dealing with, and I found myself in those stories. And so uh once I got into school and realized I was terrible at math, but I excelled with reading and writing, I just kind of went that path, and I I always told stories, and so when I got to about I think I was in 10th or 11th grade, I wanted a video camera because I wanted to direct I wanted to direct music videos, I wanted to be a music video director, and I still have the camera, actually, it's downstairs. My mom bought me a camera for my for Christmas, and I just started recording everything, and so I just for me, it's it's how a journey how a story starts, where it takes you, how they overcome, and where it not necessarily ends or resolves, but where it winds up. Those are the things that always drive me, um, and and not necessarily like in that linear structure, but those are the things that that that drive my curiosity. And so when I got to, you know, I went to college, I I I graduated with a BA in literature from Westchester University. Um, and I worked as a college prep counselor for a couple of years, and then I had, you know, I had my camera and I'm recording and I'm documenting. And my boss at the time, who was also my mentor, was really encouraging me to pursue this. Like, you got to pursue this. Like you always have a camera in your hand. You and so they did a summer program, and he bought me an iMac to edit. Um, that I just started doing these documentaries, and so I discovered Emerson College in Boston, and I applied to their graduate program, and I was accepted. And so I went to Emerson, and that's that's where it got tricky. And I don't want to. One thing you'll notice about me is I I'm a talker, so I have to sometimes range.

Gabe Nathan 9:34

Well, you're on a podcast, so that's a good point. That's a good thing.

Coli Sylla 9:37

Yeah, that's a good thing.

Film School Doubt And Self-Shrinking

Coli Sylla 9:39

And so it was August 2005, and I got to Emerson College, and we were in um orientation. And by that time, I had I I you know I was dead set on I'm gonna be, I'm gonna first direct music videos and I'm gonna do documentaries. My first documentary is gonna be about Gordon Parks, my second one is gonna be about the Harlem Renaissance, and like I had it all laid out. Um and I was oh god, I don't even remember how old I was. I was a lot older than my peers. A lot of my peers were coming straight out of undergrad, whereas I had been out for two or three years, and so I was uh three years, and so I was you know a little bit older, and I'm listening, I I I'll never forget, I'm in the orientation and I'm listening to them uh talk about these film festivals and these awards and these accolades, and I'm like, wow, I'm just a counselor with a camera. I've never even heard of that film festival, and I made a a decision that I realized many years later in therapy that was actually a pattern. Um I shrunk myself uh in and instead of saying I'm an aspiring documentarian, uh I didn't. I just I chose not to to own that, to own that title. And I I diverted and found screenwriting. And I went on this 20-year journey screenwriting, but in my heart dealing with this tiny voice that like is you know, documentary directing, that's what you really want to do. And um, and this is getting to like the the the your question about like like how how to anyway. Um so I I I became uh uh I found success as a screenwriter. Um I won screenplay competitions, I was in fellowships. I do uh I did uh write a pilot that was produced, um, had a really strong cast. Um it didn't sell and so it ultimately didn't air. Um but when everything in the industry started to change, I had a conversation with a literary manager um that was really it was life-changing. And he he basically was saying, you know, I was at the time I was in a fellowship called uh it's it's a group called uh it at the time it was called Respectability. It was an entertainment fellowship for disabled uh creatives. Um and their new name is Disability Belongs, I believe I should know this. Um Disability Belongs. And so I was really excited to be in this fellowship, and I had mentioned it to this manager, and he was like, you know, uh, and I was talking about I mentioned mental, my mental health and mental health, and he just went off on this tangent, like, you know, keep that mental health crap to yourself. Nobody wants to hear about that. The minute you divulge that, you know, nobody's gonna want to work with you, this, that, and the third. And it was so um impactful that it it made me, I became emotional because it was just like, wow, like I've had this dream for so long, and to hear this is is sobering, but it's also shocking and it's also jarring. But what it did is it it made me realize that number one, if if anything is gonna come of my dreams or the pursuit of my dreams, I'm gonna have to do it on my own.

Industry Stigma Sparks A Turning Point

Coli Sylla 13:12

Um, I'm gonna have to find a way. And so to backtrack, in 2016, I had started a podcast. The podcast was called Where I'm From, and it was just audio, and I was just interviewing people. And so I decided to take that and turn that into a web series. But in addition to that, I said I'm gonna double down on my mental health, I'm gonna double down on my experiences with mental health, and I'm gonna direct a short film. I'm gonna make my directorial debut, and it's gonna be about mental health, it's gonna be closely related to my journey, and it's called F31.9, which is the diagnostic code for bipolar disorder unspecified. And so I just said, I'm I'm I'm gonna go for it. And might I add that I might have probably I might have been manic at the time because when I tell you I had I had the courage of I don't know, Zeus. I just was like, I'm going for it. I mean a true Aries, and I set it in motion and I rallied the troops and I got a team together and we crowdfunded and we raised um uh we we raised funds to to produce this and I put fillers out there and um I met uh gentleman from uh Fresh Fly named uh Phil, Phil Bradshaw, and we just really, really connected, and so he's gonna be the DP on the film. And it's it's it's a really it's it's something again. This is my directorial debut. This is the thing that I've I've dreamt about. This is the thing that um you know I set out to do in addition to music videos, in addition to documentaries, is also you know, narrative uh directing, um, fictional uh direct uh narrative directing. And you know, I'm just like, okay, let's do it. And then I got laid off, and then things just went from bad to worse, and then I I realized it, it it I I I've realized that like you have this idea in your head, and and and I get it, you're creative, you have this idea in your head that you're gonna wake up one day and it's just gonna be such a lovely day, and it's just gonna be beautiful, and and everything's gonna be amazing, and things are just gonna work. And there are days like that, but that's not consistent. You have to learn to put this stuff together in the midst of a storm. And so, you know, I I had this little idea for a production company, I invested some money into it, unofficial entertainment LLC. Um, I, you know, I started I started uh just building up the you know, getting used to my cameras again because I said, you know, that the thing with this film is I got my graduate degree from film school in 2007, and I had not touched a camera or gotten behind a camera since 2007. So how the hell am I excuse my French, how the how the heck am I?

Gabe Nathan 16:14

Oh please, you don't have to worry about that on this show. Okay, okay, don't worry, don't worry about the language thing.

Coli Sylla 16:19

Okay. Um uh how am I going to direct the film? So I said I'm gonna do this web series as a way to build my confidence, as a way to get familiar behind the camera, as a way to to sort of uh quench my creative thirst. And lo and behold, the web series blows up. I mean, we go we launched in January 2026, and we became fully monetized in YouTube on YouTube, probably within like two months. We've reached, we're almost at 3,000 subscribers. We're at over 100,000 views for our videos, and I'm getting ready to release episode four um next week. And then with F31.9, I'm working on the shop list. Phil and I have been in constant uh contact. We're I'm doing the script breakdown, we're getting ready to do cat. In fact, I have a casting meeting later today. We're getting ready to do cast. And so I realized, and and this is all in the midst of, I mean, uh, you know, we had you we had you had mentioned it earlier.

Grief Depression And Rewriting The Film

Coli Sylla 17:19

I I um I lost my my aunt. Uh she had a she suffered a stroke. My aunt Reed, she suffered a stroke and and later passed away. But it was it it was very painful because this she was the she was the aunt that picked us up from the airport when I moved back to the United States. She was the strong, she was just, you know, when you're a kid and you believe people live forever, she was like the she's gonna live forever. She's just a mover and a shaker. And so to lose her, that was devastating. Um and I and I even as I'm talking, I'm I'm I'm sitting here like Coli, you you know, you're not really you're you're you're doing a great job, but you're not really talking about the mint the mental health lens, the the lens in which you see the world. Um it it can add to the conversation, but you know, in in experiencing these this tremendous loss as someone with bipolar two disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, all of the you know, these diagnoses, um it was tremendously difficult to function. And and I actually, you know, there were times where I literally would wake up, get my son ready, you know, work with my wife to get my son ready for daycare, come home, you know, check all the automated job sites, see if there's anything worth applying to, and I would just, you know, uh just lay there and just and do nothing, do nothing with F-31.9, do nothing with where I'm from. And just I I I I I could not, I I I I was struggling to get my mind to find hope to do something. And there's a level of depression that you know, I always say, like I say to my therapist and my psychiatrist all the time, like, oh yeah, I I function from depressed, I'm good, I can do that. But but there sometimes life uh creates situations where the depression is as heavy, as palpable, you literally cannot function. And I and I just I was thinking one day, and I said, wait a minute, I said, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You need to do a rewrite to F-31.9 because this is a new experience for you. And and and you have to ask yourself, what is F-31.9 about? And it's about a conversation. It's about it, it's it's it's uh sort of this very uh what's the word I'm looking for? Very, it's like a faux pas for screenwriters. Exposition. It's a very expository uh look at what a conversation about mental health from an African-American perspective looks like because it's so stigmatized. I mean, even to disclose my diagnoses, there's a part of me that's just like, oh my God, what did you just do? What did you just say? Oh, you know, because it's so stigmatized. Because, you know, when I was an undergrad, I had experience with classmates who had who were uh bipolar one, um, which is uh uh different from bipolar two, but I, you know, it again, that stigma and that um whole mentality that comes with it. And so I sat down and I just stripped everything away from the script and I and I rewrote it, and I just kept telling myself, this is about a conversation, this is about what happens when a psychiatrist is sitting across from you and says, based on the diagnosis the diagnostic examinations we've done, I believe that you uh have uh bipolar tube. Um, you know, what's what was that reaction like? What you know, how how do we capture that? How do we uh uh catch the nuances? And I had watched like Silverlining's playbook and all of these other films that dealt with it and and said, How do I make this my own? And how do I um tell this from my lived experiences? And so, you know, that's kind of um what I've been working on. But in in terms of mental health, I ironically enough, like everything I do, ever since I had that conversation with that literary manager, everything I do creatively comes through the lens with a special consideration to mental health because it's the it's it's the way in which we have to navigate the world with these circumstances. As a black man, I sometimes that that that voice in my head, man up, you You know, oh you just weak. Oh, you just lazy. Oh, you just don't do this. All you gotta do is just go to the gym. Man, go to the gym. You know, uh uh uh uh get with some other brothers. Like all these things, they're good. They they they have proven to be effective, but the truth of the matter is, and it's my truth, which I understand that nobody can change, update, or or alter. The truth of the matter is that there is and there will be a shift in the way I do things, and the key is to navigate and be able to manage when that shift happens. Um, and and so you know, when I'm in a manic state, I'm not sleeping. Uh, I have all of these grand ideas, I'm starting 500 things, not being able to stick to one, and then boom, there's the crash, and it's just like, you know, I got nothing. You know, we had F31.9 was delayed for an entire year because my depression was was so bad. Um, wow, yeah, wow, I'm I'm sharing a lot.

The Inner Critic And Self-Compassion

Gabe Nathan 23:06

And that's the idea. And I honestly, Coli, so you you you've said so many things that are are like lighting me up and resonating with me. And I you know, I'm just gonna touch on a couple of them. So like when you were told by that literary manager um to keep yourself small, to shut up about your mental illness and your mental health challenges, you pushed back and you refused to do that uh in a way that was very different from how you reacted in that graduate school program, right? When you know everyone was talking about these film festivals and this and that, and you were like, shit. I have to keep myself small, and not only just keep myself small, but I have to completely change course and move from directing and and documentarianism to to screenwriting. I I have to do this, I have to go in this direction. And now you're saying, fuck it. And see, that's the language thing. I'm the worst offender on this show. Uh you will never be able to compete with my my mouth. But it really that that idea of you know, this is my life and this is my mental health, and this is my experience, and this is real. And like you were saying, um with the film, okay, it got delayed for a year because of your depression. That's real. That's a reality of living with mental health challenges. That's the reality of being a father and a husband with mental health challenges. I know what that's like. Um, you know, I can never know what it's like to live as a black man with these challenges, but as a creative person and as a a family member, um you know, I know very well that the the choices that we make in life or what we're able to do in certain circumstances and so on certain days and what we are not able to do, that is absolutely impacted by our mental health challenges. Um and it would be so it would be not only naive of us, but it's almost like uh insulting to ourselves to deny it. Um this is a part of who we are. It's not it's not who we are, you know, but it's a part of who we are. That's a part of our reality. And I I the last thing that I want to touch on that you said is you were criticizing yourself or judging yourself. You were like, oh, you know, God, I've been I've been talking for a while and I haven't really made any mental health connections. And Coli, that that self-critique monologue that happens in your head while you're talking, like while you're communicating with me, Coli is communicating with Coli, right? And is judging and is saying, You dumb fuck, you're not doing this, you're not doing that. The same voice that's saying, Man up, go out with the boys, do this, do that. Um I've spent I mean, uh a significant part or portion of my life fighting that voice and like engaging in a constant arm wrestling battle with it, telling it to shut the fuck up, telling it to go away, telling it to fuck off, telling it to stop hurting me, um, to stop bullying me the same way I was bullied in elementary school, middle school, high school, college, um, by other people. The worst one is up here. Right. Um and I just want to take a second to like to name that and to to acknowledge for you, for me, for anybody listening who struggles with that, like you're struggling with enough.

unknown 27:12

Yeah.

Gabe Nathan 27:12

You're struggling with bipolar two, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, loss. You know, to have that that added weight of that voice on top of it, that's maybe judging where you are professionally, that's uh judging the things that you're saying. Um you know, what what should you be saying? What shouldn't you be saying? What should you say next? And like it's almost like walking around in handcuffs and leg irons like of our own that we put on ourselves. Um, and it's just so fucking hard to live like that. Um and I'm I I hate that you are living like that. Um and I hate that I can identify with that. I don't want anybody to live like that.

Coli Sylla 28:03

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it it is it is a it is a battle. And I have these conversations with my wife all the time because she'll she'll look at me and she'll say, Oh, where did your mind go? Where did your thought go? Um and it's just like, wow, like you can you can see and and she'll she'll tell me that you know, when when I can tell that you're um you know, dealing with something anxious or something troubling you because you clinch your left, you know, I'm left-handed. So I she'll notice that my fist is clinched, and it's just like, wow, all of these telltale signs, but that voice, um I mean, I've I had I've spent, you know, I'm my journey in therapy started in the year 2000, and and and and it'll be be explained in the in the essay, but um, you know, it's something that I've worked on in therapy and and and identifying that voice and really really understanding that okay, I'm gonna be living with this voice, but this voice doesn't necessarily yield or wield the power. It's very elusive. It's because it's it's not my voice. It's my mom's voice. Oh, you know, you you know, you don't want to do this. It's my wife's voice. Oh, you know, we have to do that. And it's not them, but it's it's the it's using their tonality, it's using their familiarity, it's using their um their it's invading their ability to provide a safe space. But I know I know it's the voice. It's literally, it is literally the the the the that voice started and if it to turn this into like a story, to turn this to make this easy, to turn this into a story. That voice started as a protector, you know. Um you're a you're you're a kid, you've experienced these very traumatic things that should not happen to kids. I'm gonna protect you. You you're you're the best. You're you know, you're we're we're we're in this together, buddy. Um and and so I let my guard down as a kid, not knowing, of course. And and you become friends with this, and it turns into a it it introduces you to imagination, it introduces you to curiosity, it shows you all of these amazing things, and you fall in love with it, and then you want to go and fly, and it's like, oh wait a minute. This may happen, that may happen, this may happen, that may happen, and you find yourself, oh my god, I want you're in this tug of war, I want to do these things, but I keep getting put, you know, you keep pulling me back. And so when I had that fucking moment, um, and I've had I've had some really life-defining fucking moments that that again reveal the pattern, but if if I'm angry enough, I'm fearless. And when that fearlessness kicks in, then the magic happens because the voice doesn't have any power. I've committed to a decision, I've committed to do something. And so that literary manager, once he, once he was able to, once he triggered my emotional response, that's when I knew, oh no, I'll I'm actually gonna lean into this because everybody's running away from it. Nobody wants to talk about mental health, nobody wants to talk about you know, bipolar disorder, too, because you know, they they just say, you know, you're up, then you're down. And it's just like, oh, it's it's so much more than that. Um, and so I said the the the land is fertile, like the the the the fields are vast, they're wide, they're open. There is no definitive uh uh perspective. I mean, there probably is, I don't know. There's no definitive perspective on what this looks like within the black community. There's my opportunity to do it. So it's almost like this was fake. But it, you know, it there's still times like where it's it's really like sometimes like I'll Google myself and I'm like, you know, I wonder if an employer Googles me, if they Google me long enough, they'll realize that I I have a lot to say about mental health and my own personal struggles, and then that's going to make them think a certain thing, and they're not gonna want to hire me. Um, I struggle with that for a long, long time. And then I said to myself, like, this is the most freeing you've ever been, and and this is the most uh liberated you've ever felt.

Disrupting Stigma Through Creative Work

Coli Sylla 32:47

Yeah. Embrace it and build around that instead of instead of hiding or instead of of of living under instead of shrinking yourself. Like no more, no more shrinking yourself. And and you know, you you you shrink yourself to because like I said, I would I was the impulsive kid, I was the kid that shouted out answers. Um I remember I remember when I was a freshman in college and I was referencing the autobiography of Malcolm X, and some of my classmates had never heard of Malcolm X, and I'll never forget, I'm I'm not gonna say her name, although I remember her name. Uh I'll never forget she was like, I hate him. He thinks he's he I hate him, he thinks he's better than everybody because you know, all he just he talks so like she she was criticizing the fact that I was referencing the autobiography of Malcolm X, and again, I shrunk myself after that. I I I did not become, you know, I didn't quote anybody else, I didn't bring up anybody else because the best thing to do is everybody get along, everybody make it to the bus on time, everybody make it to the calf on time. Um and then I realized like I am a disruptor. Disruptors have this wonderful gift of making people change their perspective. I have to disrupt, like this is I I have a perspective that's not like the norm. That's my calling. Like the like the it's not a weakness, it's actually a strength. Because you to have somebody say, Well, what about this way? Or do y'all notice that? And nobody noticed it, or nobody consider it, you know, and and so it's something that I've I'm trying to embrace. But again, it's it's not easy because I've spent my entire life um making sure that I was, you know, that I, you know, I achieved a little bit, you know, in high school, I was on the the TV show Wraparound with uh hosted by Yuki Washington. I was a panel member on that. Uh I played football, I went all public my junior year. Um, you know, I've accomplished these things, but then I I just I reached this point and I was like, come down, come down, come down. And that literary manager made me realize that no more, like I'm not doing that anymore. It doesn't serve anybody, it doesn't help or inspire anybody. And so when I decided to do where I'm from, I said, first of all, it's been 20 years since you edited something, shot something, filmed something, framed something. It's gonna be terrible. And I said, it will be terrible. Let's do it. And so I at the time I had signed up to this web, this uh social media platform called Threads, and I was just this, you know, just threading, and that community was just so supportive and embracing, like, yeah, just do it, just put the content out there, just just share, just you know, you never know. And so when I put out the first episode and we hit 35,000 views, and and and you know, you it you go to visit it on YouTube, it's the Mount Airy episode, and you see people saying thanks for connecting me to memory lane. Oh, I haven't thought about my grandma in so long. Oh, I haven't, you know, um the reward. I was just like, oh my god, like wow, this is awesome. Because I had this intention. Um, the the the delusional part of it is that I want to visually craft a story that's gonna make somebody connect with a memory or experience that is joyful, that is nostalgic, and it's gonna inspire them. That's my intention. How am I gonna do that? The way I frame the shot, the way I color grade it, the way I structure it, the way I ask the question, the the tempo in which I introduced the narrative. And it worked. Like it people resonated with it and they responded to it. And that's magic because it doesn't always happen. Um, it it it it's a struggle. Like you it really requires uh a mastery of energy and an ability to listen. And you and I have ADHD, like I don't always listen, I listen to respond. I'm just listening for keywords for you to say, and I'm just gonna rapid fire. And so I I have to work against that. Um I, you know, even with with with cameras, sometimes the settings become very overwhelming, and and like this sense of like dyscalculia kicks in where everything just is like moving, and and I I can't make sense of it. And so I just I connect with my feeling. What are you feeling? What does this feel like? What does this scene feel like? Um and let that guide the way you're gonna set up the shot. And so sometimes it's hit or miss, but um, it's getting a lot, a lot better. Um but yeah.

Gabe Nathan 37:37

I and it's I think it's such a wonderful experience, and I love that you said to yourself, it's gonna be terrible, let's do it. Um, I I because that's that is where creativity starts, and it's such a wonderful way to push back against that voice that we were talking about earlier that says, you know, you're shit, everything you do sucks, you're you're a failure, you're this, you're that, you're this, you're that. Oh, okay, maybe let's do it anyway. Um and I want to say something about another thing you brought up earlier when you were talking about prospective employers Googling you and and finding things about mental health, and they will find the essay that you're gonna be reading right now. Well, as soon as I'm done talking, I want to lead right

Vulnerability Online And The SEO Dilemma

Gabe Nathan 38:19

into it. Yeah, you know, we work very hard to ensure that like our essays are SEO uh optimized, right, for searchability so that people who need the kind of inspiration and hope and help from our storytellers find these pieces, right? So they're gonna come up in Google Results. And that's very important to us. And it's part of a dilemma that we have at Recovery Diaries that we are asking so much of our writers, we're asking you to be vulnerable, we're asking you to put your full and real name on your essays, we're asking you to put photos of yourself in your essays because we we truly believe fuck stigma, you know, fuck hiding behind a pseudonym, fuck writing anonymously, fuck using stock images. These are real stories about real people. And there's nothing to be ashamed of from living with a mental health challenge or challenge is, right? However, the the double side of that sword is it can make things hard for you and for other storytellers, hard to get work, hard to find a romantic partner, people are Googling people that they want to be interested in or sleep with or whatever. Um and I guess you know, the what I've told people and what I really believe, and it may be really easy for me to say this being gainfully employed by a mental health organization, but would you really want to work for someone who would judge you or stigmatize you for having a mental illness? Maybe it's good that assholes like that are going, oh, Coli's bipolar, not gonna hire him. You wouldn't want to work for that piece of shit anyway. Um, because they've got fucked up archaic, stupid ideas about mental health, mental health challenges, people who are living with these issues. So I in a way, I guess you can say it it's good, but you know, fuck them. Um they they don't get to have someone uh as special and as unique as you are. And with that said, I can't think of a better way to introduce your essay. Um it is on our site uh called recoverydiaries.org, and the essay is called The Death That Gifted My Purpose, Living and Writing with Trauma and Bipolar Disorder. And I'd love to hear you read it.

Coli Sylla 40:42

All right, I just uh I'm gonna bring it up really quick because I'm ready. Okay, I had to switch from my lap my iPad where it was up uh to my laptop, so now I keep it bookmarked. Okay. Okay. Alright, so I'm gonna start now. You ready? Okay. Alright.

Essay Reading Trauma Bipolar Purpose

Coli Sylla 41:18

When you ride in an ambulance at top speed with the lights flashing, everything moves in slow motion. The red and yellow hues give off a strobe effect that offers a strange sense of calm in what is likely the most distressing time of one's life. It was for me. It's a memory I can't seem to shake, or perhaps one I can't let go. I'm empathetic to the core. I'm highly sensitive, and that has served me well as a screenwriter, crafting human characters inspired by Rafael Alvarez, writer of the legendary HBO series The Wire, who demanded that my characters must be flesh and blood. I can't speak for anyone else who was present that night, but for 25 years I have been awakened out of my sleep at roughly 3 a.m. as if the universe was keeping me on a cruel schedule. I've tried a host of prescription medications and off-label meds for sleep, but for the life of me, I cannot shake the 3 a.m. visit. I call it a visit not because his spirit haunts me. I call it a visit because of the scars it reminds me that I carry. Scars that, no matter how hard I've tried, I can't seem to shake or let go. It's oftentimes worrisome, but truth be told, it's all I have left of him. And scary or not, maybe I don't want to let him go. My identity as a writer through the prism of my mental health is the culmination of events that led me to a series of diagnoses throughout the 2000s that I continue to struggle with to this day. PTSD and depression were the first, born out of the horrific events of 1126, 2000, when Troy died. When I tried so desperately to hold him upright to find a pulse, not knowing my adrenaline was causing me to mistake my pulse for his. When he died, it was cold. We were in a residential quad shooting hoops for no real reason other than boredom. The deceased was Troy, Troy Elliott Clavine, a hulking 21-year-old who had been who had taken a shot from the free throw line and collapsed. He was both wildly intelligent and unapologetically belligerent. Troy was my first roommate in college. He was one of the most interesting human beings I had ever met. He was a history major with a focus on teaching. Despite his loud and often vulgar presence, he was loved by all simply because it was nearly impossible to find Troy in a bad mood. He always had a smile and a nugget of knowledge. Once we became closer friends, Troy officially Nicknamed me Grizz since he considered me a big teddy bear. I rode with him in the ambulance to Chester County Hospital as he lay dying on the Gurney. It was his death that shifted my entire identity and way of life. When the university offered grief counseling, I took advantage and was referred to a therapist who was better equipped to handle victims of traumatic experiences. In 2000, I began the process of unpacking the struggles I began to endure emotionally and physically. I didn't know who I was other than angry and withdrawn. I knew nothing about PTSD and anxiety disorder, but it ruled me through and through, and it seemed like the older I got, the worse it became. I was afraid to let anyone get close to me, and I was afraid to get close to anyone else for that matter. I felt a lack of hope, and there was no social event, nor material no material item or relationship that could fill the void that was in me. I was longing for purpose. And then I got my hands on the pilot script for NBC Universal Series 30 Rock. I hated it. I thought to myself, I could write something funnier than that. Kenshi Ragsdale, my boss at NBC Universal, who later became a friend, told me if I thought I could write a better pilot, then do it. I did. And I was able to get Terrence Carter, who was able to get me a critique from one of the writers of the series. They saw the potential. I gave it to a Facebook friend to read, Issa Ray. She thought it was funny as hell. With the help of an associate, my 30 Rock spec led me to my first professional writing credit, a single camera workplace comedy called Big Boy's Neighborhood, a show loosely based on the syndicated radio show of the same name. It featured a cast of notable actors and radio personalities. The pilot was produced right around the time I began to experience hypomanic episodes. I'd go days without sleep, toiling over my computer, riding away but withering away at the same time. In a hypomanic state, everything is possible. The overwhelming feeling of creative energy is powerful. I'd ride the high of mania, making sure to get everything down on paper and set the next goal. The dark side of this experience is the crash that inevitably comes when the surge dies and the motivation dissolves. I found myself exhausted and depressed. That was 2010, and by 2013, depression and ADHD had pretty much burned me out, and I blew through my big boy's neighborhood pay, forcing me to return to Philadelphia penniless, wearing the flawed armor of failure. I still had a poor understanding of my mental health and the pendulum of emotions I experienced swinging from the highs of mania to the lows of depression. A funny thing happened in preparation to leave LA. I decided to write a drama and pass the completed draft around my network. And by 2016, a producer got the script and saw its potential. He asked me if I wanted to develop it with him, and roughly a year later, he took me to HBO in Showtime to pitch. The pilot, Porter, would later go on to win grand prize in a popular screenwriting contest, netting a $5,000 payday. I'd later go on to sign a deal to get it sold, and to this day, the script serves as one of the strongest scripts in my portfolio. I've since completed the 2024 Respectability Entertainment Career Labs, now known as Disability Belongs, a fellowship for disabled writers, directors, and individuals working in entertainment. I've been published, I've done an uncredited punch-up of a film that landed on Netflix, and I was brought on to pen two romantic comedies for one of Kevin Hart's Plastic Cup Boys. My career as a screenwriter flourished when I left LA and committed to psychotherapy and medication management. I'm a husband, a father, a brother, an uncle, and cousin, and every single day I intentionally follow a balanced regimen of medication, weekly therapy, monthly psychiatric check-ins, and of course, writing. My writing has become prolific. I've had deals that didn't necessarily pan out, but it got me general meetings and referrals to agents and managers. My name may not yet be surrounded by lights, but what my mental health journey did give me was the realization that in order for me to heal and maintain, I had to be willing to be vulnerable, to stand and accept my triumphs and my limitations and figure out what to do with that currency. I'm delighted to say that after 20 years, I got up the courage to direct a short film that I wrote. The film entitled F31.9, The Diagnostic Code for Bipolar Disorder Unspecified, serves as a loose interpretation of my coming to grips with that diagnosis when it happened to me. After all, it was the most life-changing diagnosis I had ever experienced. This film has been the most difficult and rewarding leg of my journey because of the fears and apprehensions that I endure daily during the pre-production phase. The challenge for me is to present to you a visual representation of what the bipolar journey is like. I must avoid cliche characters and dialogue and demand that they be flesh and blood. I must create a through line that will resonate with audiences who may be suffering in silence, and I must do this in just under 20 minutes. I am the source material. Every shift in mood, spike in personality and retreat and fear is fuel for the film, and I must utilize all that is within my reach to tell this story, to put visuals to my journey. One morning, when 3 a.m. hits, I'll close my eyes and mourn Troy, but also thank him for inspiring me to bring about change and destroy the stigma behind bipolar disorder, particularly how it is viewed in the African American community. Maybe, just maybe, I was meant to incubate in fear for 20 years while perfecting my craft as a screenwriter, only to emerge and direct a narrative with the potential of touching so many lives. Wow. I wrote that.

What The Essay Reveals Now

Gabe Nathan 50:27

Thank you so much for reading that essay. Uh it's really beautiful. And thank you. I'm I'm curious. Um, what was it like going back to that piece? What what were some feelings that came up for you reading that and re-experiencing it?

Coli Sylla 50:44

It was almost like a new discovery. It's so weird because I had like prior prior to this, I had like I had it in my mind, like, oh, it was written this way, this is what I said, this is what I said, this is what I said. Then I'm reading it, I'm like, oh wait, I said that too. So it was I had I had prepared and braced myself because it it is it it is it is the most vulnerable piece of writing that I've ever put out there, but it has um it has resonated with people. And and just to just to get just to touch back on what you were talking about earlier, I had applied uh for it was a nonprofit uh I had applied to. It was a communications associate, and the person that I had to submit my resume to, she sent me an email one day and she said, please, please forgive me for saying this, but I came across your essay on recovery diaries, and I just want you to know that she said, like, she's something to the effect of like I'm a bipolar bear too, like us polar bears have to stick together. But she was so moved by the essay and by the vulnerability that she mentioned, and she's like, I, you know, you you I don't I I can't guarantee you're gonna get the job, I can't guarantee you're gonna get an interview, but I just wanted to let you know, and so it was it was that that kind of made me realize like you know, every time I do something vulnerable or that deals with my personal truth, it resonates with somebody, and you only really need it to resonate with one person because that one just gets multiplied, and so you know, her I I mean I didn't get the job or the interview, um, but her words um let me know that I was on the right track, and so as I was reading it, I really one thing I did notice is that fear, the two things that are not present that fear and that that that judging voice was not present during the reading of the essay. And so that surprised me because I was expecting, I was prepared for it because it's such a vulnerable piece of writing for me.

Gabe Nathan 52:51

I love that that voice wasn't there, and I I I really love what you told me about that woman who lets you know that because it's such it it's such a stark difference to what we were talking about before about that fear of what you know, what her employer is gonna think, what are the what are the consequences gonna be. Um for you to be really shown that uh there's someone here that this resonates with and that moved that individual, um, you know, that's it that human connection is so so important, and I think you're doing that all the time. I think that's happening all the time. You just may not hear about it, um, but you got the opportunity to hear about it here.

Black Masculinity And Mental Health Talk

Gabe Nathan 53:33

Um I'm curious to hear from you, and and maybe you've uh done this in your personal life with other black men who you know um and who are close to what would you say, or what have you said to a black man who is living with something, maybe it's a mental health challenge, you know, maybe it's a traumatic experience from their past, who has views about it that maybe you think are unhealthy or unhelpful, you know, maybe views that come from culture or come from family or from religion um or media or whatever it is that's contributing to it. What would you want to tell them?

Coli Sylla 54:27

Man, yeah, that's that is literally the the the challenge um because it's and and when I tell you like I really struggle with that, like with you know with with everything that I'm doing, there's this you know, we we as we as black men have to be uh just immovable, unstoppable, withstand, just withstand, withstand, withstand. There's really no time in this journey for weakness or vulnerability. Um and so those conversations unfortunately don't happen as often as they should. They they're happening more now, but but historically, when they did happen, it would be like uh just a shrugging of the shoulders, like, oh man, you know, I'll be alright. Um I don't I don't I'm not mocking when I use that tone. It's it's just a storyteller in me, um, giving it a voice. Um it and and so but what I would say is that first the the very first thing is your perspective, your truth is that's yours. Um and and the only thing that that I can offer and and and bring into our relationship is my truth, and and our truths would would would just have to to to sort of coexist. And and in doing so, we open up to different perspectives. Because here's the thing, uh, and and I'm fascinated by this. Um I you know, I do a lot of research when I'm writing or even when I'm putting together an episode, I do a tremendous amount of research. Um uh, you know, uh if it's YouTube videos or if it's case studies or or or just whatever, trends. And you know, I I I listen to the testimony of a lot of black men who didn't necessarily have my lived experiences, but who have lived experiences of, you know, uh, you know, I I grew up with uh uh I spent a bulk of my developing years in a two-parent household, but then from uh but in 1986 to 1998, my dad was only present once a year because he stayed in Africa to work to earn more money. And so, you know, I I had a fatherly presence, you know, so I I could kind of kind of relate, but it wasn't it wasn't that that type of instance where you know I I was forced into situations uh or or to do things to like maintain or survive, I never had to do that. And so I'm fascinated by these stories of of my of my peers and and and guys that I don't know and how they overcame and how they survived and and in learning that the language that that what they did, what their bodies and minds naturally did was develop a system of protection. Because in order for you to make it from point A to point B, is you have to survive. So we're gonna have to do that. And if we and if we and if we want you to survive with you believing that crying is weakness, if that's gonna get you to be, then that's gonna get you to be. For me, crying is not weakness, so I still make it to be. So you have these two perspectives that that are kind of in conflict with one another, which which which is the healthy perspective, and so you look at it, you know. Um, and and that's and and this is where it gets so tricky and and and intricate because you when you do look at it, you have, you know, my brothers, black men who present healthy, who present in great shape, who present just on top of the game, but when it gets granular, when it gets to challenges and and and and and and how they're dealing with it, and how it's impacting them, and how they're surviving, that's where it gets important, and that's where it gets uh interesting, and and that's where the connection has to be made. And and uh an example, um for you know, I'm I'm always fascinated, and uh so I look there's this this account uh on YouTube called Soft White Underbelly, and um I'm always fascinated by these uh the the testimony of people who have struggled with like addiction and trauma, and it reveals just how powerful our will and ability to survive is, and it's and and the tragedy is that we're surviving in unhealthy ways. So like I don't have the answers to addiction or anything like that. Um, and so uh, and I don't want to get off too much on it on a tangent, get back to the question of what I would say is I would say again, your perspective, your truth is yours. I would never take that away from you. Um, the only thing that I ask is to you know, allow space, hold space for my truth, and let our perspectives, you know, evolve uh within this friendship. And you know, it it has happened, but but again, when I first started, so when I first started um around COVID is when I first COVID really held up a mirror to how I managed my mental health. Um there's this term that people use called crashing out, and it's like I COVID, I crashed out just because it it was so isolating. And I I I realized I I came to a realization that that in you know months and years after reflection and looking at some of my uh online behavior, and it's just like yo, I was really manic, or I was really depressed. Like you can you can see it. I'm I'm uh you know, for a good week or two, I'm constantly updating my Facebook, or I'm constantly posting something, I'm constantly sharing, or giving a perspective that's not really rooted in anything or connected in anything, very in the moment, which is you know typical online behavior. But it was just very interesting to to to to step back and and see that. And so I remember disclosing to I remember disclosing my my uh mental health conditions to to certain friends who are black men, and again, the really the common response was just like almost like to paraphrase was just was just like, oh, all right, or oh you be all right, oh all right, I get it. You know, it's just it's just a conversation that nobody wants to have. It really is, and and and it's and and and again, that's why uh uh I'm doing F31.9 because I want to provide the framework for this conversation. And

Diagnosis Relief And Managing Bipolar II

Coli Sylla 1:01:49

and you know, I'm I'm 47-year-old now, I'm married, I'm you know, have a uh I'm a father. So my context is within a relationship. What does that look like within a relationship for a man and a woman or whatever your sexual preference is? You're in a relationship. What does that look like when one person is diagnosed with a devastating, and I don't say devastating to say, oh, you know, the you know, uh uh it's fucked up, your life is fucked up. I don't mean it like that. When I say devastating, I mean it it it's it's life-changing because of the amount of work that is required to manage it, um, and then this the amount of stigma required to manage it. Um and so uh I I I just was just like, I I have to find a way to do this and find a way to tell this story within the context of a relationship. And I I I've you know, prior to meeting my wife, um, I was in a uh a previous relationship. I was given, and this is the you're gonna laugh when I tell you this, but I was given a week, a week to get over depression. I was given a week. I was told, you know, uh, this is something you you know, I just drink water, like literally, this was the logic. Just drink water and you can knock this out in a week. Like just get your spirits up, you know, and and and that that is one of the wildest, um like I to this day I laugh about it now because it's just like, oh wow, you know, a week to get over depression. But like I I I get I get why people um I get why people have that perspective, but here's here here's the thing. It's just like, you know, if you if you if you ask yourself, because the the danger in that is that um you could be convinced that you know one week can cure depression and drinking water, and then you start to it it it I mean it uh mania is the only really is the only place where I'd I'd come into that mind that that that line of thinking where you think that you're actually cured by drinking water and and after a week no more depression. Like that's dangerous thinking, and and you and you have to look at this diagnosis and you have to consider as as a black man, I have so much more context to consider. What does this diagnosis, where does this fit um within the social construct of my identity? You know, is this of the white man's diagnosis? Is this a European diagnosis being put down, you know, like it at the end of the day, is there something genuinely going on with my uh my mental health, with the way I navigate this world? And for me, that answer is without a doubt yes, because here's the thing. Um uh, you know, uh, is it is it you know, quote unquote, normal. Is it normal to to to get an idea? Okay, I'm gonna, and this this is this happened, this is the first iteration. This was when I I this is when I noticed that I was hypermanic. Um, I want to I want to shoot a movie. I'm gonna shoot a movie. Uh I'm gonna get all these credit cards, I'm gonna buy all these cameras, I'm gonna buy a jib, I'm gonna buy a gimbal, I'm gonna buy all these lenses, I'm gonna buy all of this stuff, I'm gonna cast this film, and I'm literally doing this. I'm gonna meet these people and I'm going to do this film. And then uh the the crash happens, and I'm like, oh my god, I have taken on so much debt, I have all this camera equipment. What the hell am I gonna do? And so you just you turn and you act like it never happened, and then you keep going, and that's the danger. Like you're not, you're not again you being honest with yourself is probably the hardest thing in the world to do because when you can't lie to yourself, you know, it's it's it's And so, you know, I know I hope I'm not all over the place. But like for me, when I was, I'll never forget the psychiatrist who diagnosed me. It was shocking. But as I walked home, I'll never forget it. Just felt like all of this weight was just falling off because it was like, okay, that makes sense. Oh, that makes sense. So it's like, okay, all right, so now how do we manage this? You know, and so I mean, look, don't get it twisted. Bipolar 2, it, oh my God, when I tell you it sucks, like this shit is it is it is the worst. And when I say the worst, it's like you, you know, you know you're capable of feeling joy. You know you're capable of feeling happiness. You know you're capable of being content in in certain situations, but you just can't connect with it. You you don't feel it. You you know, and then when it comes, it's like lightning in a bottle. It's the surge is so strong, you know, you you you you have to you have to to to manage it, you know. And so it's it's like you know, a lightning in a bottle. You take the cap off, the lightning just shoots out everywhere, and you and it's just like you know, hard to manage. And it it gets there are days, there like like for example, um I I'm my medication regimen is very effective right now. Uh,

Hypomania Career Risks And Practical Limits

Coli Sylla 1:07:29

I have not had a hypomanic episode in quite some time. And and last night, um, as I was planning out my day, I was just like, okay, how's your sleep then? Because sleep is always an indicator for me. Um, and I I guess for a lot of people. Um, but it's tricky for me because again, I got that 3 a.m. thing, and so I'm always up at like 3 a.m. And so I'm looking at, okay, did I go back to sleep? Was it restful? Was it, you know, was I worried? Did I work? Um, and so I'm uh and I haven't had an experience where I was up for days at a time. Like I tell my wife, for me, it's like somebody cut all the lights on and didn't tell you where the light switch is, and so it's just constantly on. And so I haven't had that experience in a long time. But the weird part of it is like I kind of, you know, because I don't want to say I kind of miss it, but I I like my like I finally found that medication regimen where I I can manage it, and I don't quite know what to do with that because I'm so used to the volatility and functioning in that space that it's just like, you know, huh. And then there's the the the you know the the additional diagnosis of of of ADHD um and and and the generalized anxiety, and and and ironically enough, um, again, through therapy and medication management, the anxiety is not as bad as it used to be. Um so it's just really navigating, it's navigating the depression. Not even navigating the hypomania, it's the depression. When the hypomania, the good thing about my current situation, um, when the hypomania kicks in, I'm not spending a ton of money. I'm not going in for like I'm not I'm not doing any of those things that I used to do. What I what I do find myself doing in hypomaniac phases is overextending myself, overcommitting. I get extremely confident. And you know, I don't, I don't, I don't go to the I don't go to the assistant of the VP. I go directly to the VP. I cut out the middleman, I introduce myself to the person at the top. And sometimes that works, and sometimes that resonates. And sometimes you get an email the next day saying, hey, got your email, really inspired by your journey. Let's set up a Zoom. And I'm like, holy shit, I'm about to have a Zoom with the V as VP of this major production company. What the hell am I gonna talk about? That has I have shot myself in the foot more times than you can imagine. I have oh my god, man. And I'm I'll I'll wrap this up, but I'll never forget I was prior to pitching HBO, um years prior to that, I was brought into a general meeting with HBO, and it was a panel of executives, just a meet and greet. And as I reflect, I realized like man, I was in the middle of a hypomanic state. I I had these grandiose ideas that I can do this and I can do that. And I realized I was in that meeting and I had no idea, I was just unprepared. And and and that's my my mental illness, uncontrolled, unmanaged, sabotaged my career, not in a negative, well, not in a in a way that it slowed down my trajectory and it altered my trajectory, but it gave me such profound understanding that like I want to be able to help those who are coming up um in that same uh direction. Like I wanted to be like, oh, like don't email the SVP with your great idea. You'll get there with, you know, let me let me explain, you know, let's do this a better way. Because like I said, I I've it and it's it's something I still struggle with. Like I still, you know, when I started where I'm from, I'm like, okay, I want to, I wanna um, I wanna, you know, with these sponsors and these different brands, and I'll pitch a brand, I'll pitch a sponsorship. Uh you know, unfortunately, I I'm a kind of a good writer, and so I can I can sell myself really well via writing, and and they respond. And and and I have to be prepared for that. And sometimes, more often than not, I'm not prepared for it because it's just it it it it's just an impulse, it's just this idea that I can do anything in the world. And then when somebody says, okay, do this thing, and it's like, oh shit. Like, like, I mean, yeah, like even with where I'm from and the quality of the edits or the the quality of the video, I'm just like, how do I explain my perspective to a brand? Like, I don't I don't shoot these uniformed, succinct, visually, like I don't I don't shoot this these systematic formulated videos. Like, you know, how how do I sell that to a brand? How do I present that to a brand? It's imperfect. It's not, you know, it's it's it's it's very free-flowing. So, you know, it these are questions that I'll discover over time. But you know, the purpose is not for brand sponsorships. Brand sponsorship is just for survival, but the purpose is again to to to make that nostalgic connection with people because more often than not, um, you know, somebody somebody's dealing with something in their mind, they're they're in a battle that they don't have the language to fight.

Gabe Nathan 1:13:18

Oh and that's the that's what you're doing. And that is what you're doing through your film, that is what you're doing to this essay, that's what you're doing to the web series, that's what you're doing with this interview. And when you were uh talking about you know the response of other black men, like, oh, you'll be all right, you know, oh okay, now I get it. But they they're not having the conversation sometimes because the language isn't there, the framework isn't there. They may want to have the conversation, but how to do it, it's it's uh it's absent. And I think that it's people like you and the work that you're doing and the vulnerability that you're extending, you're helping give people that language. And I am so grateful to you for doing that and for uh making creative work that starts those conversations. And I'm I'm very grateful to you for being here with me today on the show and for being a part of our community.

Coli Sylla 1:14:17

Oh God, thank you. Yeah, thank you for having me. Thank you for opportunity for the opportunity. I'm really glad um Phil introduced me because it's it's it's been it's been life-changing. It it it it's just taught me the power of my own individual truth. And that no mat at the end of the day, like this truth that I hold is like so amazing because nothing can change it. Like it it it it's uh it's me, it's my testimony, and I get to I get to to help people with it. And I love I love to do it.

Gabe Nathan 1:14:51

Like I love to do it. And thank you so much for doing it here. Thank you for spending some time with us. It's a pleasure having you.

Coli Sylla 1:15:00

Thank you. It was a pleasure to to to share.

Closing Thanks And Where To Follow

Gabe Nathan 1:15:07

Thank you again for joining us in conversation today. It's beautiful to see the progression of our contributors. We are so grateful to Coli Sylla, an award-winning screenwriter. He's currently in pre-production for his directorial debut, F31.9, the diagnostic code for bipolar disorder. You can explore all of his work, including his very successful web series, at colisylla.com or on Instagram at underscorewrite a writer. Before we leave you, we want to remind you to check out our website, recoverydiaries.org. There, like this podcast, you'll find additional stories, videos, and content about mental health, empowerment, and change. We look forward to continuing to grow our community. Thank you so much for being a part of it. We wouldn't be here without you. Be sure to join our mailing list so you never miss a podcast episode, essay, or film. I'm Gabe Nathan. Until next time, take good care.