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Domestic Abuse Awareness: Recognising Coercion, Control and Supporting Survivors

• Myerson Solicitors • Season 1 • Episode 5

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In this powerful episode, Sarah Whitelegge, Senior Associate in the Family Team at Myerson, is joined by Samantha Fisher, CEO of Trafford Domestic Abuse Services (TDAS). Samantha discusses the various forms of domestic abuse beyond the physical, including emotional, psychological, financial, and digital abuse. Together, they explore how individuals can recognise the signs of domestic abuse and provide support to those who may be experiencing it.

They also address the growing issue of coercive and controlling behaviour and discuss the resources available to victims and their families. Samantha shares insights into TDAS's essential work supporting victims of domestic abuse, including their innovative male refuge project, the "Words Matter" video with Life Church Manchester, and the importance of prevention through education, particularly in schools.

For anyone concerned about someone who may be experiencing domestic abuse, this episode provides practical advice on how to offer support and where to access help.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

  • Trafford Domestic Abuse Services (TDAS): TDAS Website
  • Refuge’s 24-Hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247
  • TDAS 'Words Matter' Video: TDAS Words Matter

Tune in to learn how you can play a role in supporting victims of domestic abuse and help raise awareness about this crucial issue.

Stay tuned for more episodes of MyFamily Pod, where we tackle the issues that matter most to families. Don’t forget to subscribe and follow us on social media for updates!

LinkedIn: Myerson Solicitors 

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Website: www.myerson.co.uk

Speaker 01:

Hello and welcome to My Family Pod, the podcast for anyone navigating family and relationship challenges in their life. I'm Sarah Whitelag, a senior associate in the family team at Myerson, and today I'm joined by Sam Fisher, the CEO of Trafford Domestic Abuse Services, to talk about what TDS does and how you can help friends, family members or co-workers who may have experienced or are experiencing domestic abuse. Thank you for being here, Sam. Would you like to introduce yourself and tell us a bit more about what you're doing?

Speaker 00:

Yeah, thank you for having us here today, Sarah. So, I'm Sam Fisher. I should say I'm the CEO of Trafford Domestic Abuse Services, which is a local charity based in Trafford offering advice, support, accommodation and training to any victim, survivor or family friend who has experienced or is experiencing domestic abuse. But of course

Speaker 01:

domestic abuse can be such a difficult subject to talk about but it's really important that we raise awareness about it. I was reading from the Crime Survey for England and Wales that an estimated 2.3 million people aged 16 years or over experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2024, which is a significant amount of people.

Speaker 00:

Yes, it is, and I think the reality is when we see them statistics, we have to remember that this is actual people, this is individuals. Domestic abuse does affect one in four women, one in six men, one in five children, and the reality is them figures alone are scary, aren't they? But them figures are what's reported. You know, we support a lot of people who would never report to the police or identify themselves as a victim or survivor of domestic abuse and also we've got to consider the people who aren't even realising they're in an abusive relationship so it's probably a lot more than that. It's

Speaker 01:

good that there is more awareness and people are talking about this more and I think it's right what you just said Sam that as a family solicitor we understand how abuse features in so many relationships and I agree that we speak to many clients on a regular basis who don't necessarily realize that they are in an abusive relationship and i think that's why it's it's more important that there is more awareness in terms of the type of abuse a lot of people we speak to still associate domestic abuse as being physical abuse but obviously there's a lot more ranging domestic abuse behaviors than just physical abuse

Speaker 00:

yeah and that And that's the important thing to stress, isn't it? Like, we still hear people talk about domestic violence rather than domestic abuse, and the fact is, physical abuse is an awful aspect of domestic abuse, but there's so much more other ways that victim-survivors are experiencing that domestic abuse, from emotional, psychological, financial... and sexual gaslighting, that coercion of control. And when we think about the people that access our services, we support over 2,000 people a year and the majority of them haven't actually experienced physical abuse. A lot of it is around that psychological abuse, financial abuse. Physical abuse is a harrowing aspect and the reality is it does happen and it happens a lot. But there is so much more that underlies that level of abuse in terms of what people experience and the level of intimidation that abusers can often put onto their victims. And so, yeah, it's much wide-ranging and it's so important, which I'm so glad you've invited us in today, that we really raise awareness of all aspects of what constitutes domestic abuse.

Speaker 01:

We recently blogged about coercive and controlling behaviour, and I think it's important to discuss this type of abuse. It's obviously gained a lot more legal recognition over the years. And like I mentioned before, we often speak to clients who have experienced this behaviour, but maybe aren't aware of it or ready to be aware of it. Are you able to provide a few examples of what might be considered to be coercive and controlling behaviour, especially to people who might not be as familiar with that term?

Speaker 00:

Yeah, and I think this is one of the kind of areas of domestic abuse where people might often not realise they're in an abusive relationship until later down the line when they look back, because a lot of the aspects of coercion and control can include things like isolation, so isolating you from friends and family, and initially when you start an relationship that might not be you're not allowed to see them it's small kind of barriers that they put in place to isolate you over a period of time a lot of that coercion control it can be coming down to controlling what you wear what you eat the financial abuse can often come into coercion and control as well in how you're allowed or not allowed to manage your finances like say about the isolation so putting you away from your support networks which is is vital to all of us isn't it as human beings that we have them support networks Coercion control could also be intimidation, like instilling fear in somebody, and that might not be by words. It could just be body language or the way somebody looks at you that makes you feel in fear of them, and then that controls aspects of your life. You know not to do something because of the way somebody's looked at you or the way that somebody says something. It's so wide-ranging, a lot of the psychological abuse that happens Victims of Virus Experience underlies that coercion and control. When people deny what you've said, make you question your own reality, which is where gaslighting can often come in. And I know that's a bit of a buzzword at the moment, but it shouldn't be because the reality is that it's that psychological abuse where you put something into somebody's head where they're starting to question their own reality that, you know, well, I didn't say that to you. You know, you must have done that. But putting a lot of that victim blaming and putting it back on that person. I mean, it's so wide ranging and that's why, as I said, first of all that a lot of people don't actually realize what they're experiencing because there's them subtle subtleties

Speaker 01:

it's very subtle yeah and when you've experienced that over such a prolonged period of time yeah it's going to be very difficult for you to understand that but then also to take steps to deal with it if you're not completely aware with it or if you're so worn down by it in terms of someone's behavior towards you i think What I found quite useful and will include a link to this within the podcast is the video that TDAS had produced with Life Church Manchester called Words Matter and I think the video is really helpful to break down some of those stereotypes of domestic abuse and raise awareness about it as well. Are you able to tell us a bit more about the video and what you wanted to achieve with that?

Speaker 00:

Yes, so the main aim when we approached Life Church and wanted to raise awareness was around it was pretty much around a myth busting and that educational piece not just for victims and survivors but for friends, family the public, professionals employers because words do matter and the way that we respond and support somebody who's experiencing domestic abuse can really determine whether they access help so I think The key aim for that was around that awareness raising for everybody in terms of that myth-busting aspect of what a typical victim may look like. Some of the things that we often hear people say and also raising that awareness of where people can get support from and that there is support for people out there even if they're not experiencing abuse right now and it's a historic thing. That emotional tie, that emotional abuse that they've experienced is long lasting and long impacting. So yeah, it was absolutely around raising that awareness.

Speaker 01:

I think what really struck me when I watched the video is one of the typical questions is, why don't you just leave? And I think what was addressed so well in that video is the fact that, well, even when you're in a healthy relationship, it's not that easy to separate and leave. So how does someone who's been a victim or survivor of abuse necessarily make that decision so easily? There are so many ties when you're separating the children, sorting out financial arrangements. So that even when you are trying to separate or leave a healthy relationship, it's incredibly difficult.

Speaker 00:

Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's one of the key points that we wanted to make. When you are ending a healthy relationship, there's so many things to think about. But then you add abuse into that. And years of coercion and control, that person then doubting themselves, are they able to leave, are they able to survive on their own? You know, if there's financial abuse involved, they might not have had control over their own money. The perpetrator may have used threats to have the children taken off them. There's over so many... periods of time being told all these things and being you know lost their support networks when we was talking about an isolation before you know if you've been isolated to a point where you feel you've not got your support networks and all you've got is that perpetrator that really can result in them staying in a relationship longer because they don't feel like they have anywhere to go or anybody to speak to about it i think The fact of really homing in on how difficult leaving a healthy relationship is will hopefully enable people to understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. And we need to stop saying, why don't you just leave? Or we need to be changing that narrative and saying, well, why don't they just stop? Like, we can't be victim blaming. You know, the onus is on the abuser. And I think that was one of the key messages we wanted to get across in the

Speaker 01:

video. Yeah, I mean, it really does. It's really helpful. At Myosin, we will help victims of abuse if they need legal protection from the family courts by way of non-molestation orders or occupation orders, or we can apply for urgent applications to safeguard children, such as pivoted steps orders to prevent a parent from exercising their parental responsibility or removing a child from a parent. But what practical support can TDAS offer to victims of abuse trying to leave abusive relationships?

Speaker 00:

We offer a lot of emotional support. Our staff are trained to, you know, support victims and survivors with the emotional aspects. But practical, it could be anything from support with housing. It could be whether they need to move house or they need target hardening on their properties, which are safety measures like cameras, window locks and things. You know, if they want to stay safely in their own home. It could be support with their children. So we have group programmes that... children and young people can attend because a big part of the support that we want to offer is building the relationship and attachment between children and the non-abusive parent because sometimes that can be really affected when they've been living in a household with abuse. Financial support and budgeting, especially where there's been financial abuse, so we do a lot of work on independent living skills and supporting them with applying. for legal advice and advocate for them at any meetings that they may have. It's very person-centred so each individual is supported based on their immediate individual needs and we work You know, collaboration is one of our key values and we, you know, are so passionate about working with partners to make sure that holistic support is provided to all victim survivors regarding anything that they feel that they need to move on with their lives.

Speaker 01:

What was important, what you mentioned before, is that One of the other assumptions is that there is no typical victim of abuse. Many people think that victims of abuse must be certain gender, age, class, or in a certain type of relationship, but really, any person can be a victim of domestic abuse. If our listeners are looking at supporting friends or family members or co-workers, are there any signs to look out for that might suggest that someone might be experiencing domestic abuse?

Speaker 00:

Yeah, and I think, you know, you do have the typical signs that people would often know mention like physical marks and emotional distress i think the the key thing would be a changing character as the person you know you know are they are they canceling meetings are they not coming to social events as much when they are are they constantly checking in with their partner going back to another aspect of coercion control is that you know we've got this huge digital issue now haven't we where people's locations can be tracked or like social media is used that digital abuse is an up and coming thing because of the way technology is now and so there's all these kind of early signs that you could spot in somebody and don't get me wrong it could be something else is going on for them but i think that the the key thing is that change in character when you're thinking about as an employer People consistently being late or needing time off. Is there something going on in there that they're needing support with? So it's about how we approach that and how we make sure that we're being trauma informed in, you know, our words do matter and how we support somebody who may be going through domestic abuse is just vital. And there's many kind of early warning signs and red flags. But it is difficult to pinpoint it to domestic abuse, so it's just about being able to be open and honest and have them conversations, know that there's support there for people who might not be ready to talk to you straight away, but eventually they will as long as they know that there's support there for them. I

Speaker 01:

think you're right, it's about being there, isn't it? And it's about asking people, are they OK? Is there anything going on for them and is there anything that you can do to help? And I know that TDAS has a lot of resources online that would help people who might have some queries about friends or family members or co-workers who they might be worried about. I think it's important that people are aware that these services aren't just for victims or survivors of abuse, but also for people who might feel that they need some additional support in, say, supporting a friend as well.

Speaker 00:

Yes, absolutely. And we have a support line, which is not just open to victims and survivors. It's open to friends, family, professionals to ring for advice. And we do get quite a lot of friends and family members who are concerned about somebody, who they love and who they care about. And we will offer that advice and support and try to navigate them through that difficult period. We have a friends and family toolkit that's available on our website, in our resources page, that gives some real good tips on some of them earlier warning signs, some of the things not to say, and where people can be signposted to, because going back to the coercion and control, the perpetrator's aim of isolating victims and survivors from their friends and family If you're concerned about a friend or a family member and, you know, you come in and you say them things like, well, why don't we just leave the perpetrators getting what he wants? Because that's another kind of angle of isolating you because they, you know, the victims aren't going to feel like that they can't come to you because shame, guilt. So that resource toolkit that we developed is, you know, is really key for friends, family members. to look at, to know what to do or how to support in them situations. And yeah, you're right, services are available for people to get that advice as well, not just those who are experiencing it or have experienced it.

Speaker 01:

I think just picking up on what you mentioned about power and control, that abuse is about power and control so that when a survivor gets to the point where they do want to leave... they're threatening the power that that abuser has. So like I mentioned earlier, it's about doing it in a safe and managed way, isn't it? Because if someone does want to separate, the research shows that that's often the most dangerous time for that person. If their abuser is aware that they want to separate and leave, they feel that they're losing that power and control and may then act out in a way to try and regain that control. So it's really about just making sure that any steps taken are done in a safe and managed way for that person.

Speaker 00:

Absolutely and I think you've really kind of stressed that the importance of that safety aspect because you're right when somebody's ending a relationship it really increases the risk to that victim survivor because they're losing the you know the control and the power that's often when if there hasn't previously been physical harm that's often where physical harm can come into play as well so it is a really risky time for people and that's why services like ours and our support team are there to really help do that in a safe way and make sure that know the victims surviving there is children involved as safe as possible while they're making that life-changing

Speaker 01:

choice it would always be our priority as well so the family team here when they're supporting anyone in that situation we'd always want to make sure that any steps that we take are managed in a safe way and we know that we need to provide safe non-judgmental space for survivors and victims of abuse and we know from clients that we've dealt with previously that it won't often be the first attempt to leave when someone does finally separate and leave and that we see clients who've maybe tried a few times previously before they actually can make that final separation simply because it just is not that easy for them to do.

Speaker 00:

No, when somebody's had control of you for so long, there is still that and the shame and guilt that victims often feel and they do return. And it's so important that they're not judged for that and they're supported with that as well. It can take a long time for somebody to finally break that cycle and leave an abusive relationship. So it's great that we have agencies and services and solicitors firms like yourselves that really understand that and are able to support people in a non-judgmental way because it will take time.

Speaker 01:

And in terms of the other work that TDAS do, I understand that you do quite a lot of work with young people to support them and understand how to have healthy relationships. Are you able to tell me a bit more about the work that TDAS do with young people in schools?

Speaker 00:

Yeah, absolutely. One of our main objectives is around prevention of domestic abuse. You know, we have refuges, we have accommodation. We want to get to a point where they're not needed because we're getting to people at an earlier stage where they're not having to flee their own homes. So a big part of that is around education and awareness. So we have our Supporting Young People's Project, which is two elements. We have a teacher training offer, so we will go in and educate and train teachers on how to identify abuse, how to deal with disclosures, signposts to services that can support abuse, And then also for young people, we educate them on what a healthy relationship should look like. and what domestic abuse can constitute and what it is for when they're getting into their own relationships, some of the signs that they may need to look out for or, you know, the early kind of red flags. I mean, we're seeing more and more young people already in their own abusive relationships and so this education piece is just vital in order for us to kind of break that cycle and ensure that our younger generation are equipped with that knowledge of what domestic abuse is, what a healthy relationship should look like for them to hopefully prevent them from becoming an adult victim of domestic abuse in the future.

Speaker 01:

It's so important for that early intervention, isn't it? And it's important that training is offered to other companies so that they can look at how they can support employees and understand more about domestic abuse so that it's something they can look out for when looking after their

Speaker 00:

employees absolutely we have quite a large training offer that's you know accredited training and we do it all bespoke as well because we appreciate different companies will be dealing with you know different things so we need to make it relevant but that can be from basic domestic abuse awareness to educating line managers hr teams you know on supporting their colleagues or, you know, their staff who might be experiencing domestic abuse. We're talking about the statistics before. If one in four women or one in six men experience it, it is going to be happening in the workplace and we need to make sure that, you know, companies are equipped with that knowledge and we're not expecting them to be able to provide the direct support, but it's, again, just that words matter piece, isn't it? The right thing to say. Making sure that, you know, your staff know that if they need support, what they're going through they know that their employer will take it seriously and there's policies and procedures in place and there's staff that have had the appropriate training so they feel comfortable in being able to share that. So yeah, we do offer a large training package to support people with that.

Speaker 01:

But I think you're right that even if it just provides some information to someone, it might just help. you to think about a friend or a family member or co-worker who may be going through something and I think that's why the Words Matter video is so helpful because I think it's about three minutes long so it's no time at all just for anyone to watch it but it might just arm you with that information that will make you think about things a bit differently in terms of how you have those conversations to be careful about what you say but also to make you think okay Maybe something is going on for this person in my life and what steps can I do to then try and help them? For anyone listening to this podcast who feel like that they need help with what we've been discussing today or whether there's someone that they love who they think might need some more help, what are the best resources for them to look at?

Speaker 00:

we have a large resource section on our website and we have the support line where people can get advice but there's so much information out there this other organization similar to us in all kind of areas of the country so there is so much information out there for people to access just to increase their awareness look for you know support services i think In terms of resources as well, not everything has to be domestic abuse organisations because a lot of people who access our services, we're not the first people they've disclosed to. You know, a lot of the time they referred on to us from whether it be the GP, you know, housing. or a family and friend has referred them to us and if it's just that bit of information that you've got that you can pass on to somebody you're concerned about or you're worried about then that's the first step in in trying to support them to to access any help that they may need but you know our website does have an array of resources on and there for various aspects of domestic abuse. I live with different agencies where to get support, whether that be around kind of financial support. You know, a lot of banks now are recognising domestic abuse as a feature because another reason why people may struggle to leave is if you've got a giant mortgage and there's all that financial aspect and a lot of banks are recognising that and putting policies in place. A lot of housing associations are doing the same where there's giant tenants is putting clauses in the leases now we are moving in the right direction which is really positive to see and all them kind of areas of resource and information even if you don't want to access direct domestic abuse support there is that information out there you know just to equip people with the knowledge of what is available for them so they can kind of plan and make the next steps

Speaker 01:

and in terms of TDAS as an organization you know even just during this conversation today we've heard about so many services that you're running the support that you're providing for those listening who would like to support TDAS what can people do to get involved or help.

Speaker 00:

Yeah, we're always looking for support, especially around fundraising. We are a charity and we do constantly have to look to find funds for services. And just to put it into context, we have 37 refuge spaces for safe accommodation and it costs us over £40,000 a year just to fund one of them. So it's a lot of money. So we're always looking for people to support in any way, shape or form. We do have a fundraising platform. section on our website there's so many different ways people can get involved whether you know we have events that people can sign up to charity partners you know with corporate organisations but we appreciate that it doesn't always have to be monetary you know it could be donation of items you know welcome packs for example for the families that live in our refuge or it could be we have you know team days you know we do have a lot of safe accommodation that you know people will come in and kind of help us to do the garden or decorate there's so many different ways people can can get involved with us as an organization and we're always open to new ways of working together and ideas too yeah the website does have kind of all the details on if anybody's interested in getting involved and supporting us you know that's the best place to look and you know would be so grateful for any support anybody can give us

Speaker 01:

So Sam, just going back to some of the other assumptions that people make about what might be considered to be a typical victim or survivor of domestic abuse. You mentioned stats earlier that one in four women would experience abuse, but also one in six men would experience domestic abuse. I understand that TIDAS have a refuge to support male survivors of domestic abuse.

Speaker 00:

Yes, so we've always supported male victims of domestic abuse, but a huge gap in our service was being able to offer safe accommodation enough safe accommodation for male victims so we kind of looked at an innovative way of doing that two years ago and opened the first male refuge in Greater Manchester, Oak House. So we have a male safe refuge that houses six men at any one time. I mean, it's been a huge success in the two years we've opened the refuge and that's been with support from other Greater Manchester boroughs as a kind of collaboration support for male victims because there isn't enough refuge space full stop for any victim survivor across the country. But, you know, male victims, there certainly isn't many. So that is a project we're extremely proud of and another step in breaking the myths and, you know, changing the narrative on male victims of domestic abuse because they deserve safety. You know, they deserve to be able to move on with their lives and be free from domestic abuse as well.

Speaker 01:

And in terms of that awareness for male victims, do you find that there are less male victims still coming forward in terms of opening up about the abuse that they've experienced?

Speaker 00:

Yes, in terms of if you looked at our data, we do support more. women than we do men however since opening the refuge our referrals have increased quite substantially so you know we was on a 43 percent increase from april to december this year compared to the whole of last financial year so i think it's a little bit like chicken and egg isn't it like you you know there's a need but until you put something in place and people are aware of it and aware what's available that's when you start to see actually that we're getting more people coming through who are asking for support because they know it's there so it's just all about that awareness race is an end and letting victim survivors know that no matter what your background no matter what kind of demographics no matter anything you know anybody can be a victim of domestic abuse and there is services for everybody that may be experiencing or has

Speaker 01:

experienced it. I think TDAS are just really helping to break down those barriers for people to be able to access that support in terms of the range of services that you're offering.

Speaker 00:

Yeah and it's key for us you know to being inclusive is one of our core values so it's vital and there is other specialist organisations but and would be better equipped to support some victims, survivors of domestic abuse. And it's important that we collaborate with them and we partner with them to ensure that their needs are met appropriately.

Speaker 01:

Thank you, Sam, for coming in to talk to me today and for sharing your insights. I hope this conversation will help people who may be experiencing domestic abuse or are concerned about someone who is. If you are listening and you do need help in relation to the issues we've discussed, then please get in touch with TDAS on 0161 872 7368 or you can also contact Refuge's 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. We'll post a link to the Words Matter video in the podcast description and share the resources that we discussed earlier.

Speaker 00:

So thank you so much for having me here today to really shine a spotlight on domestic abuse and make sure that we're increasing the awareness around what it is to see the public. Thank you for coming in, Sam. We really appreciate your time.

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