Therapy for Relationships: Strengthening Communication, Supporting Separation, and Rebuilding After Breakdown

Therapy for Relationships: Strengthening Communication, Supporting Separation, and Rebuilding After Breakdown

Hosted by: Jane Tenquist, Head of Family Law at Myerson Solicitors
Guest: Lindsay George, Therapist based in Altrincham

🔍 Episode Summary

In this insightful episode, Jane Tanquist, a family lawyer at Myerson Solicitors, sits down with Lindsay George, an experienced therapist specialising in individual and couples therapy. Together, they explore the deep emotional and psychological aspects of relationships, covering:

• The three critical Cs of successful relationships: Communication, Compromise, and Commitment
• Why couples disengage – from financial pressures to social media distractions
• The emotional stages of relationship breakdown and how therapy can help navigate them
• The difference between productive and toxic communication patterns
• How therapy supports co-parenting and smoother separations
• The impact of divorce on emotional health and the journey toward recovery
• The growing trend of “relationship MOTs” – proactive therapy for couples

Whether you are facing relationship challenges, going through separation, or working with clients in similar circumstances, this episode offers professional perspectives and practical advice.

🧠 Key Topics Covered

• Emotional disconnection and communication breakdown
• How therapists observe and address communication styles in couples
• The emotional spectrum of separation: grief, denial, ambivalence
• Supporting clients legally and therapeutically through divorce
• Long-term impacts of relationship breakdown
• The role of friends, family, and therapy in recovery
• Gendered patterns in post-divorce relationships

👂 Who This Episode is For

• Individuals or couples experiencing marital strain or separation
• Family solicitors, mediators, and other professionals in relationship law
• Therapists and mental health professionals working with separated or divorcing clients
• Listeners curious about healthy relationships and emotional wellbeing

📍 Resources & Mentions

• Connect with Lindsay George: www.lindsaygeorge.co.uk

Stay tuned for more episodes of MyFamily Pod, where we tackle the issues that matter most to families. Don’t forget to subscribe and follow us on social media for updates!

LinkedIn: Myerson Solicitors 

Instagram: @Myerson.Solicitors 

Website: www.myerson.co.uk/ 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Good morning, I'm Jane Tenquist. I'm the head of the family team at Myerson and I'm talking this morning to Lindsay George who is a therapist in Altrincham who sees individuals and couples going through issues in relation to their marriage or relationship and we're discussing what makes a marriage work and what makes it break down and all the issues connect with that so good morning lindsay how are you I'm good, thank you. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. Welcome to my family podcast. The topic this morning that we're going to discuss is about what makes a marriage work and what doesn't make it work and what happens when people disengage from each other. And there's an overlap between what we do because I, as a divorce lawyer, see people who are going through marriage difficulties all the time and you as a psychotherapist also see individuals and couples who are going through marriage difficulties. But I was wondering, Lindsay, in your opinion, as a generalism, what do you think makes a marriage work? I would say good communication actually it's more than that clearly because it's more about commitment and about compromise and about communication the three C's as I call them so you probably see this I guess in your work as well Jane that we've got clients that can communicate in an open way the process of separation and divorce from your perspective probably happens more smoothly than if the is a kind of minded way of communication which has been part of why the marriage has broken down in the first place so communication is about listening isn't it it's about having that open and honest conversation and being able to see it from somebody else's perspective and I suppose also you have an issue with people with listening and hearing don't you with active listening really listening which is hard work and also just shutting down and you know people rolling their eyes and thinking oh she's banging on about this old thing again and there's it's quite just you know sometimes there's just a shutdown when you're trying to communicate that's right it's really important of course to be heard in a conversation and to be open-minded to the other person's version of how they see things so it's a different perspective and so I guess that's the sort of compromise in being willing to be able to see it from somebody else's perspective and be open-minded with a view to potentially changing your own perspective. Well, yes. And what causes couples to disengage from each other over a period of time, do you think? So many reasons, so many reasons. And I guess the communication breakdown is probably the highlight, really, which is where... couples can potentially disengage from one another because they just stop hearing each other or they stop talking with one another because they don't feel heard or they don't feel respected. They don't feel that the other person values them. So that creates a potential for emotional disconnection when essentially that communication is just no longer respected or respectful to one another. There are a lot of other reasons why couples disengage or relationships break down. For instance, financial issues can cause stress and strain on a relationship and that can create betrayal or feelings of mistrust. Life situations, for instance, new children, new babies, you know, when a couple decide to have children, that causes stress on the relationship and the dynamic of the relationship changes. So that can create stress and strain and feeling not respected or valued it can create distance between the couple because they don't have as much time together and they obviously are not talking about the same things and they may feel ignored and that obviously can have a consequence on the finances and then the lack of intimacy which is another big reason why couples disengage from one another and in privacy all sorts of things it's not just about sex and sex life it's about holding hands and about wanting to spend time with one another and about wanting to do things for each other in a way that is about that person being the important person in your life. When it stops being like that then lack of intimacy is something that really manifests itself in a relationship. And that can lead to all sorts of feelings of resentment or feeling supported or not seen. And again, that can impact how we communicate with one another. And I suppose social media hasn't helped because lots of people scroll through their phone, don't they, in the evening and are more available to online communication than communication with the person that they're sitting next to on the sofa maybe that's um yeah i hear this a lot in my therapy room you know you're always on your phone you're not interested in me we don't talk anymore and this is all part of our busy media lives which is to be constantly available to others and to be available to one you know to each other we use these social media um as a form of escape because what we're trying to do essentially is is disengage yes disengaging we are not only disengaging from the world but we're disengaging from our partners and from our family um and so we often feel that you know that's a sort of more important part of their lives than perhaps the person that's opposite them in in on the sofa I suppose, Lindsay, one of the main reasons why marriages and relationships break down is a difficulty in communication with each other. And I noticed through my role that people have different ways of communicating with each other, don't they? Sometimes if people are quite shouty or aggressive or demanding in terms of how they communicate, it can be quite off-putting. And I suppose someone might sort of block out that. aggression might be. But in therapy sessions with couples, how can you as a psychotherapist help couples through their difficulties? Yeah, that's a really good point, Jane. I guess it's the nuance of communication is that we talk about good communication and bad communication, but actually what does good communication look like and what does bad communication look like? And actually the nuances are around pitch, tone, intention. You know, the shouty kind of person often is intimidating and it can often be that that means the partner often closes down or feels angry towards their partner for shouting in the first place. And And that can create emotional withdrawal and detachment in a relationship. So that's kind of a toxic way of communicating, isn't it? When we haven't learned the skills to be able to discuss. So that's definitely where therapy can assist couples. What couples can learn from therapy is not only around sort of self-awareness, because this might be a blind spot for somebody to realise that actually when they shout, their partner feels angry or feels upset or terrified or intimidated. And actually that blind spot will come out in the therapy room because One of the things that therapists will do is when they're working with couples is they'll see the dynamic within the couple's relationship and where the potential is for conflict to arise or for withdrawal of the relationship and how that potentially plays out. So it's really interesting watching people in the therapy room, how they actually communicate with one another. And a therapist will often intervene with that in obviously a safe and supportive way to be able to point out that that might not necessarily be helpful in relation to resolving a conflict or to develop better communication skills. So it's about trying to offer constructive direction in a way, not criticism, but more of a direction in relation to how potentially they could communicate differently with one another. And I suppose The benefits of counselling are dependent on a person's ability to self-reflect, as well as analyse what's going on in their relationship, but to self-reflect on how they're coming across, and maybe they're stuck in a communication channel that's not effective, you know. It's not, you know, it can be quite, you know, if you get somebody who's saying, you're always doing this, and, you know... and someone always feels that they're right and the other person's wrong, that can itself be quite toxic. Very much so. So again, this is where therapy can help enormously because it can identify these patterns that help obviously contribute to conflict and ultimately look at trying to repair the relationship or or facilitating a smoother separation if that's what they've actually decided they want to do but ultimately reflection is part of the process in therapy so the hour in the therapy room is super important for learning and listening and and hearing each other and having that mediation from the therapist which is about direction and how those little example nuances play out but then the really the real work actually happens when the clients leave the therapy room it's the 167 hours that's outside before you come back to your next session that's the important bit and what gets way often is we all repeat patterns as humans we all keep doing the same thing over and over again and having to learn new skills is often what happens in the therapy room which is okay i remember the therapist told me actually i mustn't do this because actually it's not helpful it puts the barriers up for my partner it doesn't resolve the situation I feel terrible afterwards okay what was the thing that I needed to do ah yes and those simple tools that potentially then can change that person's behavior has an enormous effect on their partner because they see that they're trying and they then start to become more supportive of one another in their endeavor to try and repair this Do you find some couples come to you periodically as a sort of like a marriage or relationship MOT just to keep their relationship on track rather than, you know, aiming, oh, if you don't do this, I'm going to leave you? Yes, I do. That's a really good question. Yes, very much so. Couples that used to come initially that would say, we're not even married, but we want to make sure that actually we've got some, you know, some fundamental parts of our relationship ironed out before we decide we're going to get married and actually have children. I remember thinking, gosh, this is really, really smart. So I have seen much more of that in recent years. I suppose it's interesting. For example, you know, do you want a child or not? You know, and people might have different expectations surrounding that. Yeah, and I guess it comes down to other things as well. If one person earns more than the other, then do they lose respect for the other person because they are no longer valuing them in the way that they are now feeling like the provider for the family or the couple. And it's all of these little under-the-radar stuff that comes up in their self-awareness and having these really open conversations with somebody that allows this safe space for them to do that and guide them through in a way that doesn't feel like one answer is right and one answer is wrong because this is a discussion isn't it it's not about getting it right or wrong yeah so so in the in the unfortunate circumstance where a relationship is at an end um how can you help individuals through the separation process to because I find it quite helpful to have a therapist in the background when I'm dealing with someone's relationship breakdown or marriage breakdown with them because sometimes they're Quite often, they're very, very upset or angry. I have all sorts of feelings. And I quite often recommend that they go to therapy. And I find it much easier to deal with the legal aspects of the divorce with somebody who can give me well-considered instructions without being caught in an emotional backstop, really. Yeah, so I'm really pleased that you feel like that because when couples come to a divorce a solicitor a family solicitor like yourself they really are quite terrified at times and they feel very overwhelmed with the process of divorce and because there's so many emotions involved with a relationship breakdown it's rather like grief in relation to losing a person and losing a lifestyle losing a family the whole process of having to change your whole life because the problem being is that the relationship has So therapy is a really important aspect when a relationship breaks down because it provides that space, that really safe and non-biased space to be able to process these difficult emotions and obviously hope to improve the communication and help to work through the conflict that comes up as a result of all these really big emotions that come about when one person decides to leave a relationship or indeed if bad parties decide to end a relationship then obviously there's a completely different scenario but ultimately the therapist is an ideal place to be able to offer support for either parties or both parties to either be able to facilitate a smoother separation or find a way to be able to communicate better so that they can deal with the difficult and really awkward and uncomfortable process of divorce because you know for the person who wants to leave the marriage there's the should i shouldn't i it must be like standing on the top of the cliff and whether you're throwing yourself into the great unknown and are you making the right decision or not there must be a great deal of doubt around whether you're doing the right thing. And then for the person on the receiving end of that information, it must be terribly difficult also because they're having to, the biggest decision of their lives is being made by somebody else, not by them. And having to really, you know, the decision to leave a marriage might have been made or a relationship might have been made by their partner several months or several years before before now and there's sort of like a catching up process. And it's very difficult for the person who's left behind as well to deal with that. And I think therapy is really a fantastic forum to be able to assist both individuals in coming to terms with the changes as a result of a breakdown of a relationship. I guess what you've touched on there is that actually there's a lack of control for one party, the feeling of it being done to them puts them in a much more vulnerable position and the other person might have made that decision months before and is further down in that grief process so is actually in a stage of feeling more in control and having mental clarity whereas the partner that's been perhaps ambushed or blindsided by this huge decision may well feel very shocked and still in a state of denial about it so again a therapist will be able to help support that person to be able to not only work through these difficult emotions, but also to try and come to terms with what's actually happening so that they can engage in the divorce process. As you say, you find it much easier when somebody's got therapeutic support behind them to be able to navigate the divorce process with the clients. And it's incredibly difficult because it's a huge life-changing decision to be made. And there are so many other things to consider with in the separation or the divorce because I guess if there's children involved or there is finances that potentially need to be agreed upon then lifestyle changes then one person might feel very out of control with all of that and again where therapy can be really helpful in helping them navigate those really big subjects of how best to work with those situations and help guide them which again is it means i have to be very much involved in what is actually happening in the legal world which is why i read your monthly updates and get lots of information from solicitor friends about what's happening in the legal world and what's actually current um because things change all the time Yeah, I find though, and I understand why this happens, but I find that quite a lot of people going through relationship breakdowns rely on their family and friends for guidance rather than going to therapy. And I understand the reason is maybe financially driven, but sometimes one's family are sort of quite unilateral in terms of their approach and can be quite divisive.

SPEAKER_01: 19:25

And

SPEAKER_00: 19:25

sometimes it's not really helpful to sort of have people telling you what you want to hear all the time. But it may be helpful to have a safe space to go to a therapist and to sort of get help with the emotions that you're going through as an individual and to be able to work that through so that ultimately you feel you're able to cope and feel better about yourself and the direction your life is going in. I totally agree. Obviously we have biases and as family members we would always want to support our family and make them feel that they were right and that they're well supported and that's one of the things that clearly is encouraged that they have a good support system in place because it makes the whole process so much easier to navigate when you've got good support and family, friends, network. But the problem is we all have agendas and we all want to make our family and friends feel that they're right and that they're well supported. But as a result, we can often create a sense of bias in relation to how they then perceive they're a partner that they're estranged from because it can cause lots of mistrust and resentment and that can add to the strain and stress of the process of divorce and separation. So I guess this is where therapy can add an additional level of support, which is clearly it comes from an unbiased place. There is no gender there from the therapist that ultimately use incredibly, you know, skillful therapeutic processes in order for them not to do any harm because when somebody's going through a divorce they're vulnerable and one of the huge sort of code of conducts that therapists need to use is that we use a non-maleficent process which is do no harm to that client and the due diligence is all about their vulnerability and the safeguarding of that person so there will be a feeling of vulnerability and distress but clearly it's trying to create clarity And control not colluding with the client and saying, you know, yes, your ex is a terrible person. This is about from a much more balanced perspective. And actually, these two people had a relationship. at one stage and they love each other clearly enough to get married and perhaps had children together and what has broken down obviously can't be you know retrieved again but they can see each other in a more um collaborative way as opposed to being enemies which is often one of the byproducts of divorce because it's yeah it's so messy and emotionally charged

SPEAKER_01: 22:21

But

SPEAKER_00: 22:22

I suppose lots of couples have children and they have to be sort of co-parent in a constructive way in the interest of the children really for many years, the rest of their lives probably. So it's best that they try and take steps to make that relationship as good as they possibly can over time. So what helps individuals going through separation and divorce? As I said earlier, family and friends are hugely helpful in relation to feeling supported. And ultimately, that support network is invaluable for the person in relation to them developing those coping mechanisms which allow them to see what this new life looks like and to feel that they've got some direction. If they don't want to, you know, reconcile with their partners then they're having to look at their lives in a different way and their family and friends can be hugely supportive in trying to guide and steer them and distract them as well because obviously that that sort of sense of life in the way that they used to live their life was completely changed because their roles are completely different and they're having to be a single person again perhaps a single parent again and so that when friends and family can can be really helpful in sharing some of the burden. I think other things that are really helpful are around self-care and I talk a lot about self-care because particularly women often see putting themselves first as being selfish but I might instill this perspective which is actually You're no good to anybody, especially yourself, if you're not looking after yourself because nobody looks after you. So you have to look after yourself in a way that you prioritise self-care. So taking time for simple things like trying to relax or engage in activities or exercise or, you know, healthy habits around maybe sleep, the basics. It's good sleep, trying to eat regular meals. Perhaps if it's not too much to think about how they spend some of their social time now Do they look to try and do something that's going to bring some pleasure in their lives, like a new activity with friends, so that they can reconnect with themselves? Because the other things that are really important, Jane, and I don't know whether you talk about this with your clients, but it's around boundaries. So one of the difficult things with people separating in divorce is how do they establish new boundaries with one another? And again, this is all part of the sort of things that I would go through with clients in relation to setting new boundaries explicitly with their partners so that they each know what's right, what's wrong, what's okay, what's not okay. So that it doesn't put them in compromised situations with one another. Yes, yeah. Because I find that there's a transitioning from being a couple to living separately and use of joint accounts and going into each other's houses and having keys to each other's properties and that's not helpful. Sometimes it takes a while to adjust really but that's a difficult period. I often come across people who are just really anxious and not sleeping and depressed and sometimes they need medication, sometimes they need to go and get some help from the doctor and that's really normal and sometimes I think people think, Oh, what's the matter with me? You know, I'm really, really, I feel really down about this and you know, um, there's something wrong with me and they can internalize it. And, and sometimes, sometimes medication can help for a while. Um, but it's really important to be able to get a good night's sleep and for many people, That's very difficult when you're going through a divorce or a separation. Absolutely, I agree with that. I trained as a nurse in my 20s. I can't help but look at that holistic way approach, which is... If somebody needs medication because their stress levels are so high, they're not sleeping, not fundamentally getting the nourishment they want from food, that they need from food, then something's got to give. And clearly, the problem being is that it affects our hormones and our serotonin and dopamine levels. They're the happy hormones that keep us afloat and being able to deal with everyday life. And it's a big life-changing situation. things that can happen like separation and divorce have a massive impact on our on our health and well-being yes yeah and our physical health starts to deteriorate and clearly once that and you know if that was the case you know we'd go to the GP and we would get something to help us get better with mental health it's harder to spot because we start to adjust to these horrible feelings and we start to take them okay well it's just because I'm feeling you know I'm going through this experience and they accept it but actually some people can become very depressed and they feel quite paralyzed with you know making decisions I'm a massive advocate of trying to guide clients through through you know whatever it is that they need at that particular time get them through this process to the other side because part of it is looking at the future isn't it what helps is looking at your future self and avoid you know rushing into the rushing through the whole process because as much as we all want the other side actually the whole process to go through yeah As a divorce lawyer I leave people at the end of their divorce or at the end of their separation agreement and I don't see them after that and I often wonder how they are in the future. Do you think that there are any obstacles to recovery from a divorce for some people? Do you think some people find it very difficult ever to get over a relationship breakdown? Yes, yes, I do. I often see people after divorce, actually, and for a period of time, and that can go on for months, even years, if they're struggling with coming to terms with what that new life looks like and feels like and how they manage to navigate it. So the types of things that I work with are around prolonged grief where somebody just feels very stuck and hasn't got over the hurt and the pain and the adjustments of the divorce. Some people can feel very angry and resentful to their ex-partners and can get stuck in that anger phase of grief where they just can't tolerate even speaking about their partner. And yet, of course, if they've got children, they have to engage with communicating with them. And of course, that potentially can have an effect on the children and how the children feel around that parent. And so the emotional pain of a relationship breakdown can be so intense and long-lasting that often therapy is their only chance, really, of recovery. And that's important because to recognise that they can have an alternative, you know, and actually that fear, that sense of failure that they feel or that sense of anger towards their parents previous partner can actually be overcome through again through working through these really big emotions yeah yeah also that trust element the big situation when somebody's been hurt in a relationship they often don't trust the potential of starting a new relationship or a very wary of it or a very down on on on the thought of it because they feel that they've become very generalistic in their view viewpoints and say you know i never want to be in another relationship again surprisingly you know men are very quick there's a statistic statistics here but 76 percent of men following divorce often end up in a new relationship within six months whereas wow yes and with women it's over two years generally yeah Those are interesting statistics, yes. Well, thank you very much for coming along and talking to me this morning about a subject that I'm sure many people would be interested in. I think you're doing a wonderful job with couples in our area and with individuals and I'd encourage anyone who is having personal problems related to marriage or relationships or just anything to have some therapy and I think that that might help. So thank you very much, Lindsay. You're very welcome. Anytime.