Episode 8

They're back!!! The Comedy Stitch crew create new characters, more laughs, and a whole load of random fun! 

A funded project by The Lottery Community Fund- supporting communities to stay connected, boost mood and feel bloomin' good about yourself!!!!  

Written by members of the community to have fun and stay connected! Funded by The Community Lottery Fund 

https://www.instagram.com/comedy.stitch?igsh=MXh0d2Rqa3ZpY21qaA%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Transcript

SPEAKER_09 0:01

Hey oh welcome to Magic Moments, where we've sent our very best sound people out to plant secret microphones around the northwest. Yeah, it's probably illegal, but hey, your phones were listening to you anyway, so who cares?

SPEAKER_07 0:14

This party's great, isn't it? Please have my seat. Thank you. I'm glad to stand up, to be honest. That monstrosity is the most uncomfortable chair I've ever had the misfortune to sit on. And the same this room. Party is great, but my god, this ugly wallpaper is giving me a headache. It's like Jackson Park and Picasso had an alleged baby who grew up and got expelled from the London School of Design for being too avant-garde. Mm-hmm. I'm Gerald, by the way. I work with your mama in the city. What do you do?

SPEAKER_03 0:58

I'm Wilma. I'm an inter I'm Wilma. I'm an interior designer.

SPEAKER_07 1:06

Nice to meet you. Isn't that shame Jamima didn't commission you to do this place?

SPEAKER_04 1:12

She did.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

Welcome back. And as promised, our good news story, the letter of abandoned puppies featured on last week's programme. Have all found their forever homes. Mother and babies all.

SPEAKER_05 1:32

Sorry, Paul. I must interrupt this heartwarming tale with breaking news from Manchester. We have reports coming in of a disturbance in Chalton Comhardy. Let's go straight to our radio van where Gita, our local correspondent, is waiting to fill us in.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

Gita? Yes, Kenton. I'm here outside an ordinary-looking family home in this well-to-do suburb. Where there's been a scene of utter chaos. An eyewitness, Nina Matwitcher, is with me. Nina? Yeah, I came home from work and the woman over the road was screaming and running up and down the path in her slippers. Look, here she comes now. Oh yes, I see a deranged woman approaching. Please describe the scene to our listeners, Gita. She's storming along. She's got something in her hand. She's waving something. Her husband has retreated into the house, and the police have arrived. They're approaching her cautiously. They are appealing for her to drop it. Is it a weapon? A knife, maybe? No, not a knife. It's um it's a a Byro. Uh she's waving a byro, and she's got a birthday card in her hand. She's screaming that the pen has run out of ink. Although I'm not able to quote her word for word as there's some rather adult language being thrown around that might offend some of our more sensitive listeners. Goodness, she's thrown the Byron at the police car and it's slightly scratched the paintwork. Her husband has emerged from the house, and yes, he has another Byro. This has had a positive effect on the woman. He's approaching her slowly, and she is calming down considerably. Great news, Gita. Has the police presence been stood down? Yes, they have begun to withdraw. I do believe the disaster has been averted. She's sitting down on the curb now, isn't beginning to write the card. No, wait, she's scribbling. Oh no, I don't believe it. Gita, what's happening there? Are you still on earth? This is a tragedy. The replacement bar is also out of ink. The woman has grabbed her husband and is trying to stuff the crumpled card down his throat. The police have thrown a cauldron around the whole scene and asked us to retreat. I'm going to have to hand back to you in studio, Kenton.

SPEAKER_05 3:33

Mike Mormon. Hello. Is that my sister Diane Peters of 46 Richmond Hill, who lives alone with her four cats who never married? It is? Oh good. Kevin Peters, your younger handsome brother here, who also lives alone and never married, and is now retired from the corner shop. He turned into a global empire. What's that you say? I can't hear you. Raining, you say. No, can't hear a thing. Why do you ask? Is it raining so much harder here? Lashing down, you say. It's raining cats and dogs here, so much worse than yours. You heard on the news a thunderstorm is coming later. Storm is already overhead here. The house is shaking. I was nearly thrown from my green velvet chair onto the blue Persian rug. You know the one I bought last time I won the lottery and never shared it with any of you. Even though I know you had nothing. What chair you asked? My father's favourite chair. The one he used to love so much. The one he gave to me because you were such a disappointment. The weatherman said it might flood later, did he? Well, you know me. I'm not one to brag. It's already flooded here. Yes, flooded. It's dreadful. Catastrophic. Oh, biblical proportions. In fact, Jonah the whale just passed. It will take a miracle to get things back to normal. God may have to send in Moses to pop the waves again. Uh, what's that, Diane? We have to go. What do you mean I'm always exaggerating everything? What do you mean it wasn't even my shop? What if it was only a £3.50 lottery win? It was a win. Now that cuts, Diane. I was always too bloody miserable to be anybody's favorite. Well, that's rude. Putting the phone down like that, some people just get so jealous.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

The roar of the crowd was even louder than my stomach, which, believe me, is saying something.

SPEAKER_07 5:30

I don't know, Yoga. The sign said no pitch invaders. And I think that means bears, too.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Nonsense, boo-boo, I declared, spreading out a checkered blanket right on the halfway line. We aren't invaders, we're the half-time entertainment. And look at all these nice folks in the stands. They're tucking into their own picnics. I was just about to tuck into a mid-game sandwich when a familiar, frustrated shout echoed through the stadium. It was the ranger. He came sprinting out of the tunnel, waving his hat and looking particularly unfun as usual, with that back to jelly stone look in his eye. And he was carrying a very large net.

SPEAKER_07 6:17

He's gonna catch his young gay. Our picnick days are over.

SPEAKER_00 6:24

Just as the ranger reached the edge of the pitch, something amazing happened. The fans didn't want the show to end. One man in the front row stood up and shouted, Left Debbie!

SPEAKER_04 6:34

It's Model Daddy, average man!

SPEAKER_00 6:38

Then came the rain. When it wasn't water, highs began to whistle through the air like delicious frisbees. Plastic cups are full of amber liquid splashed down like a soggy monsoon. Sausage rolls pelted the ranger from every direction. It was beautiful, greasy, delight of a sight. The ranger tried to dodge, but the sheer volume of pastry was too much. Within seconds, he was disappearing underneath the weight of it all. Okieoge! Where the ranger had been standing, there was now a towering 20-foot-tall mound of stadium food. From inside came a muffled.

SPEAKER_04 7:16

The Supreme Commissioner will never let you get away with this woggy ball.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Well, Boo-Boo, I said, picking a stray pork pie off the top of the mound and taking a satisfied bite. It seems the fans have spoken and they provided enough leftovers to last us all the way to the final whistle. We sat back on our blanket, leaning against the massive pound of pies, and watched the second half in style. Truly a picnic for the history books.

SPEAKER_09 7:52

It's time to join us for some sneaky eavesdropping that'll make you feel better about your own life.

SPEAKER_07 7:58

Well, this is easily going to be the worst trip I've ever been on. Well, it's all be over soon anyway. And what sort of consolation is that supposed to be? You'll always be useless at fucking.

SPEAKER_04 8:16

I got this track in the hotel.

SPEAKER_07 8:19

One job, you had one job.

SPEAKER_04 8:22

Look down there. The airport is not far away now, love.

SPEAKER_07 8:27

I'm getting closer, a lot quicker than I would have liked. Maybe we should do something quieter next time. Next time, if there is a next time, I'll be packing the parachutes.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

Hello, I'm Professor Patricia Pomp, and I am the world-renowned expert on coasters. I have spent my professional life testing and analysing these seemingly everyday items. They're just mundane items, right? Well, what I'm going to share with you today will challenge that belief and may well change your train of thought forever. It was a happy accident when I discovered that these inconsequential items have emotional intelligence. I was wiring electrodes to a small mouse in the lab. It had happened to wander onto an empty coaster. I switched on the machine and checked the electromagnetic pulses. Then I rechecked. They were literally through the roof. I could not believe my eyes, the incredibly high levels of emotional intelligence in this small furry creature. It was then I realized the mouse had scurried off and left the electrode. They had stuck onto the coaster. Could this be true? I rechecked my findings using several other lab coasters. The findings were overwhelming. If we look at this chart, you can see three distinct lines. The first line, the lower of the three, is that of a coaster without a load. A layman, you would refer to it as a cup. The line indicates that the coaster is calm and steady, relaxed, if you will. The second line, tracking slightly higher than the first, indicates a cup of warm liquid placed exactly in the centre of the coaster. There is some low-level anxiety, but the line indicates a coaster in control. The final line, the third line, hockey sticks into a steep curve with erratic waves. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a result of a cup of hot liquid placed half on and half off the coaster. This is causing high coaster anxiety as it senses danger. Disaster could strike at any time. I took my experiment further by loading alcohol onto the coaster. Here, each glass of wine is placed exactly in the centre of the coaster. You can see that the line of coaster anxiety is low until around glass three, when we see the coaster starting to show a state of concern. The line steepens again at glass five. I push the experiment to glass six, and this is when the breakthrough happens. Sound waves start to appear. In a world first, I've isolated these sounds and will play them to you now. I think you've heard enough, Patricia! Fascinating. I think you'll agree. It fuelled me to push on with my experiment. Glasses 7, 8, and 9, but no further sound waves were emitted. I believe that it may have entered a stage of coaster indifference. Just before I passed out, I noticed that the coaster was no longer present, signalling a high probability of self-propulsion. This will be the next phase of my research if I can raise the funding. Wine costs have tripled over the last two years, and my experiments are becoming quite challenging. You'll see on the screen now a QR code to my fundraising page. I'd like to thank you for attending my TIED talk today and remember, consider the coasters. They may hold the key to unlocking the past and better understanding of our future.

SPEAKER_04 12:40

Why are you coughing and put your hand over your mouth when you cough?

SPEAKER_07 12:48

I'm not coughing.

SPEAKER_04 12:50

Yes, you are. But this is your funeral. Your coffin has just been buried.

SPEAKER_07 13:15

It's not my funeral. I thought it was your funeral. Mine? Yes, he died last week. Laughing too much. It's standard comedy gig. Choking on popcorn.

SPEAKER_04 13:30

But I don't eat popcorn. I don't eat salt. I don't eat camera. What on earth, favor was it?

SPEAKER_08 13:42

It was my moment.

SPEAKER_02 13:44

Do we have to watch this? It's really not going anywhere, is it? I hate these slow crime dramas.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

I think it's really good. I'm enjoying it. You got to watch what you wanted last night.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

What what was that? Something's crashed in the garden.

unknown 14:04

Shh.

SPEAKER_06 14:04

Will you ever listen to this? It's key to a pot.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Oh my god, it's at the window. There's two of them. They're green. It looks like Oh my god, it's aliens!

unknown 14:16

Shh!

SPEAKER_01 14:17

They've walked through the glass! How is that possible?

SPEAKER_05 14:22

We can mean peas.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

We are your things.

unknown 14:26

Shh. Shh.

SPEAKER_06 14:27

The only piece I need is to watch this. We are here to claim your house.

SPEAKER_01 14:33

We would like to use it as a base for our study of human culture.

SPEAKER_06 14:38

Do you have to stand in front of the TV? Well, can you part it while I tell you about our master plan? We have come a long way. Well, not really. They just revealed the killer and you have talked over it. I am sorry.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Yes. We are sorry. Can you rewind?

SPEAKER_00 15:00

Let me try. Nope. It's not working. You've obviously glitched the skybox.

SPEAKER_06 15:06

Let me try.

SPEAKER_05 15:08

It's not working.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

Master, let me know. I do want to feel hate in my opportunity.

SPEAKER_05 15:17

Well, you do it if you're talking.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

Yes, I just need to know what's happened there. It shouldn't have.

SPEAKER_05 15:27

How can we hope for world domination when you can't use bird human design?

SPEAKER_02 15:33

World domination? But I thought you said you'd come in peace.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

Oh yes. Forever.

SPEAKER_05 15:48

It's no they have us.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

Shall I raise it?

SPEAKER_05 15:54

Yes. Then we try next door. They were watching cruising with J MacDonald. So we might be so in the line.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

Are you still watching this?

SPEAKER_00 16:07

No, not really. It's a bit dull. What's on the other side?

SPEAKER_02 16:12

Ooh, cruising with Jane McDonald. I love this.

SPEAKER_07 16:18

Hey, Paul! That's a great stance you have there. Your bottom is stuck up in the air so high, it's almost touching the air conditioning on the ceiling.

SPEAKER_04 16:28

You too, Maureen. Most people have their toes on the ground in the pose. But you were amazing!

SPEAKER_07 16:36

Both feet off the ground. Yes, Paul, that's because I'm so easy with it. I've created a new pose. This one is called Upward Social Climber.

SPEAKER_04 16:50

Well, Malene, I've just followed your pose. In fact, I'm going to go one step further. A downward dog will spin. Look, no hands, no feet, nothing touching the floor now.

SPEAKER_07 17:07

Fantastic, Paul! You are so competitive! What a dog! Would you like to do fitness yoga next week with me? It'll feature Kaylemanogue spinning around at five times the speed. It's a bit more upbeat than this serene yoga we've been doing this week. We could try out this new dynamic pose I've created too. The judgmental swan. Where you twist your head fully around 360 degrees and fly up into the air. I'm not the same!

SPEAKER_09 17:43

I'm not feeling it was a looking like your bra off and relax. It's time to join us for some sneaky eavesdropping that'll make you feel better about your own life.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

Hi, Jim. It's Dr. Fuck up here. Just check and just see how things are.

SPEAKER_05 17:58

Well, you know, not bad, all things considered, it's not every day you get a terminal cancer diagnosis, is it?

SPEAKER_01 18:04

That's not a way of wrapped, Jim. No easy way to tell you this has been a dreadful mistake.

SPEAKER_05 18:10

Not sure what you're trying to say here, Doctor. He told me I only had a few months to live. I say now I have less than that now.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

No, it's not much if it's great.

SPEAKER_05 18:22

But you said I told me Boston shove his job up his ass. You said put your fears in order. So I saw the house to the moneylender for next to nothing.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

It was a clear clever dude, though, isn't it? You come in and have a chat before you do anything else.

SPEAKER_05 18:45

I'm in Vegas, Doctor. Blowing a wife's work on gambling and strip baths. And you want me to come in for a chat?

SPEAKER_01 18:52

Come on, I'm sure your wife will understand. You've been under a lot of depression lately. At least you have Joan.

SPEAKER_05 18:59

Well, you see, that's the thing, Doctor. I didn't want to spend me last days listening to her nagging, did I?

SPEAKER_01 19:06

What did you shoot a joke, Jim?

SPEAKER_02 19:08

Jim? Gasp as you plunge it into your ear. A camera attached and connected to your phone. So you can watch with satisfaction as the small scope descends through the wiry ear here into the depths of the canal. Squeal with delight as it ploughs through the thick, sticky, yellow, waxy deposits. Crunchy hard bits and soft runny bits streaked with fresh blood. Look with amazement as the tiny scoop collects its treasure. Highly magnified, it appears like a huge dollop of honeycomb ice cream. Mmm. This is not just any earwax remover. This is a comedy stitch earwax remover. Hi, hope you're all looking forward to celebrating with Jack on his sixth birthday. Start at 2 pm till 6, games and tea in the garden, the parents were ever saved for a glass of wine.

SPEAKER_05 20:19

Fantastic. What's the theme? No theme, just funny games in the garden. I'm only saying the magic theme was a fantastic. Instead of a huggy bag, he called a baby rabbit out of a hat for each of the children.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

Anyway, no rabbit, just funny game in the garden. Oh my god, maybe I should mention it. I think it's a phobia.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

I'm going to need to lose everything too. He's an older brother. He won't be in any trouble when he's older.

SPEAKER_05 21:31

Probably younger free. An enormous balloon energy. It was a handy and at the end of the hall of children. We got an enormous king of balloon with a cordy noise.

SPEAKER_02 22:11

She really doesn't like those noises either. Just in case no balloon allergies, just power to the end.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

I think all of you bags are eighteen pounds each. I can do late range.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

The kids will be decorating their own basically to take away their own high. Oh, that sounds fun. Just a headset. A tablet that can't tolerate artificial colourings. They make her giddy and then she projectile vomits. Jenny has left a group.

SPEAKER_08 22:48

Mike moment.

SPEAKER_02 22:52

I just knew getting you that box set of bullseye was a bad idea. Whatever do you mean, Jill? I mean that. I'm not sure I'm with you. Well, you are with me, as everyone in the street can hear very clearly. Just tone it down, Kev. Now we're going into the chippy getting our tea and getting out. No commentary, no announcements. Alright. Hello, you two. What can I get ya? Just don't annoy Maureen. You know what she's like. Maureen, I need fish and chips. Good grief. Uh okay. What's the stop it, Kev? I'll have the same please. Chips and a second fish to Jill, please. What? So that's fish and chips twice. It is, yes. Thanks. Sorry, Maureen. He's been binge watching game shows. It's been bullseye all weekend. Ah, now I get it. I've had a binge watcher weekend as well. I couldn't tell from your voice, Mo. Not bullseye, Kevin. And my name is Maureen. They're both at it now. Come on, we'll go to McDonald's. Sorry, Maureen. Just tell you, Kev. And then we can go. In any case, I certainly wouldn't be watching bullseye. What were you watching, Maureen? I've been catching up on. Where are all them not going? He's sending me customer ways, he needs. Yes.

SPEAKER_05 24:27

What is it you watched, Mo?

SPEAKER_02 24:29

Don't call me Mo. Why are you holding that fish mo? Ah, you've hit me with a fish mo Kev, just shut up and pay. Maureen, what have you been binge watching? Gladiators. Brilliant. Me too. Ah one play. Thank you. Maureen.

SPEAKER_07 24:52

Too little. Too late. Kevin. Hey gang, we're about to do a parachute jump for charity today.

SPEAKER_04 25:03

That's right keys. But we are not going to do any sort of parachute jump.

SPEAKER_07 25:10

No, that's right. Because on Kid's Kitty Kitty channel, we couldn't have worn any parachutes.

SPEAKER_04 25:18

So instead we are using the outfits of bear and chicken as the parachute. I'll be using Big Bear and I'll be using Qatar Chicken.

SPEAKER_07 25:30

And we'll both be having a stiff drink beforehand of Golden Bear Beer with a whiskey chaser. Wow!

SPEAKER_02 25:41

Jenkins, are you sure they have the merchandise?

SPEAKER_00 25:44

Yes, Mrs. Pendleton. We clock their supplier before dawn.

SPEAKER_02 25:48

And it's 100% pure?

SPEAKER_00 25:50

That's what the lab sees. Maybe a few trace ingredients. How much are they asking? Same as last time.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

How is that possible, Jenkins? We don't know, ma'am Harris, what's the security light? One audible alarm activated on entry. Not a problem. Johnson, is the wire working? How do I sound? Oh no clear. It's a crunkling device on. It's on, right. This is it. Everyone keep out of sight. I'm going in. Morning, Jamie. Could I have a bottle of mineral water, please? Here we go. Just delivered this morning. That's a pound, please. So nice to see your prices haven't gone up. We do our best. Take care. See you. I love your outfit, by the way. Nice cloak. Oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_09 26:41

So there you have it, you nosy lot. A random chance to listen in on other people's lives instead of staring at perfection on Instagram. Because really, we're all a little bit odd when nobody's lucky.