En Pointe: The Dance of Parenting in a Dual-Income Household with @brouyang [ENCORE]

In this episode, Brittany Ouyang shares her story of parenting a toddler while navigating the mental load of a dual-income household. As a brand marketing manager at Cruise and former ballet dancer, Brittany reflects on the coordination, effort, and unexpected joys of raising a family while balancing career ambitions. Her relatable insights and practical advice will resonate with parents and professionals alike.

Keywords: parenting, dual-income household, working moms, mental load, toddler life, brand marketing, Mill Valley moms, ballet, self-care for moms, motherhood challenges, ballet, dance, bay area parenting, parenthood

Learn more about Brittany on our website
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brouyang/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/brouyang/

Chapters

• 0:59 Introducing Truth-Telling Parenthood
• 1:33 Meet Brittany: Ballet Dancer and Mom
• 3:37 The Reality of Parenting vs Expectations
• 8:59 Balancing Dual Careers and Family Life
• 14:45 Premature Birth and NICU Experience
• 29:54 Making Time for Self Through Ballet
• 35:12 Motherhood Advice and Unexpected Joys
• 48:10 Episode Wrap-Up and Connection

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:31

Welcome to Do you Want the Truth? The podcast where we dive deep into the real, raw and unfiltered stories of parenthood. I'm Paige Connell.

Speaker 2: 0:38

And I'm Sam Strong. We bring you candid conversations with parents who share their experiences of birth, fertility and parenting.

Speaker 1: 0:44

We share the stories that are typically reserved for your best friends, offering a sense of connection and understanding.

Speaker 2: 0:49

Here we believe in the power of truth-telling, because when someone asks, do you want the truth?

Speaker 1: 0:58

We always say yes. Join us as we explore the highs and lows and everything in between, so you can feel less alone on your parenting journey.

Speaker 2: 1:05

Today we're talking with Brittany, a brand marketing manager at Cruise, a mom to an almost two-year-old and a former ballet dancer who trained with the San Francisco Ballet School. We talked to Brittany about going viral, the mental load of motherhood, the challenges of postpartum life and her life as a mom in a dual-income household, plus a bunch of other topics. She shares how she makes time for ballet even with a packed schedule. If you've ever felt like you're trying to stay on point with the choreography of work, family and life, this is one you'll want to listen to. We hope you enjoy the episode.

Speaker 1: 1:39

Brittany, welcome and thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. So if people haven't seen you on social media, can you give us a quick introduction to who you are, as it relates to parenthood?

Speaker 3: 1:50

Yes, for sure. So my name is Brittany. I live in the Bay Area. I am the mom to a two-year-old. She will be two on Saturday, so we're really excited for that milestone. Thank you very much. Our daughter, rowan, is just kind of the spunkiest little girl. She definitely has a personality. She is very stubborn, but she is so fun and we've loved getting to know her as a person because for so long you're like, oh my gosh, like this baby is not giving me any feedback and now she's totally developed her own personality. But besides that, I live with my husband, we have a big dog, we live just outside of San Francisco. I grew up in the Bay, I spent many years on the East coast and then I moved back and yeah, we're just living that to working parent life with a small child.

Speaker 1: 2:48

I love the name Rowan. By the way, we have a Rowan in my daughter's class. She loves her. They're very good friends, but it's not a very common name. I haven't heard it a lot.

Speaker 3: 2:57

Yeah, out here we hear Rowan more for a boy. So we are starting to tour preschools and everyone introduces themselves and they talk a little about their kid and Rowan is typically a boy, from what I have learned, at least out here.

Speaker 2: 3:21

I'm sure some of it is like geographical differences and like naming preferences. Yeah, is it Rowan who broke the me too story, wasn't? It isn't his name, rowan Ronan. Ronan Ronan, okay, yeah but you know what.

Speaker 1: 3:30

That is the thing. So my daughter's name is both. My daughter's name is both. My daughter's names are unisex my two younger and, depending on where you are in the country, people assume it's a boy name because in the South, in the South, they're boy names and what you know, whatever. But I was.

Speaker 1: 3:45

I don't know if you guys do this, but I love to listen, and one of them was talking about how oftentimes people will say I can't use that name, it's too popular, but then when you look on the baby charts, it's actually not a popular name, nor is it like trendy and popular. Aren't the same thing when it comes to baby names, and that's so. Much of what you believe to be popular is based on where you live, and so if you were to look outside of your immediate area and find a specific name, you'd be like oh, it's popular where I am, it is not popular anywhere else, and so it's very interesting how we all have these like preconceived notions about baby names or kids names based on where we live and the patterns, obviously ignoring the like, typical number one name, Olivia or whatever right Like there are other than those names.

Speaker 1: 4:35

She was saying that, unlike in the nineties, where Brittany would be one of five Brittany's in elementary school, that doesn't happen as much with our kids because of how different the naming is today versus when we were growing up, which I find so interesting. I don't know.

Speaker 3: 4:53

Right, exactly, and we all bring our personal experience and trauma into naming when we think about our kids' names, into naming, into parenting, into learning you bring it all with you. But so yeah, when we were thinking about Rowan, my husband has a pretty common name. His name is Andrew Rowan. My husband has a pretty common name. His name is Andrew. My name is Brittany. I actually didn't have any classmates named Brittany until I got to college which was actually.

Speaker 1: 5:20

Was that on the East Coast College? Yes, okay, because I'm on the East Coast and I have my sister-in-law's Brittany, my best friend's Brittany.

Speaker 2: 5:28

There was many Brittneys over here. That's so funny. I didn't know a Brittany growing up.

Speaker 3: 5:33

Interesting. It was like a top 100 name for us. I was born in the late 80s and so pretty common and to your point, paige, all of the baby naming consultants say, like for millennials, there would be like 100,000 babies born in the U? S and that would be the marker for a top 100 name. Now a top 100 name is like 20,000 born in the U? S, so it's very different.

Speaker 1: 6:04

So different. Yeah, it's so interesting. I did think about that, though, naming my kid and I think Rowan's one of those names too where it's like I wanted a name that was semi unique, but not so unique that people would be flustered by it. You know, like, what's your name. I wanted people to know, know what the name was, and but also that it was unique enough where it wasn't the same as the kid sitting next to them Right there with you. Who knows? You don't know what's going to happen with naming trends, right? You name your kid something and the next year, who knows, you don't know what's going to happen with naming trends, right? You name your kid something and the next year, every kid's named that name, just totally out of your hands. And you guys are nearby, sam, you guys are like neighbors you too.

Speaker 2: 6:40

Yeah, so Brittany has the best goodwill in the Bay Area. I would say I haven't been to the ones in San. Jose, but in her area. I remember going there one time and there was like a Burberry coat. I don't know why I didn't pick it up. This was like when I was younger. I'm like what is wrong with me? Yeah, and the best food to soul food is out there. It's like my number one. I went to college, I went to grad school out where Brittany lives. I went to Dominican.

Speaker 3: 7:02

Yeah, Okay, oh okay, amazing, like right around the corner. Yeah, very cool.

Speaker 2: 7:07

You're two years into this thing, right On Saturday. Has it been what you expected it would be Parenthood?

Speaker 3: 7:14

Parenthood, in many ways, has been a lot harder and also a lot better than I expected. It, it, it, I say it all the time. Parenthood is just two things being true at once. It's feeling frustrated by your child because they can't tell you what's wrong, and you're at your wit's end because it's the end of the workday and it's like I need you to go to sleep now so that I can take a break. But it's also looking at photos of your kid after they're asleep because you miss them from the other room. So it's just so many truths happening at the same time.

Speaker 1: 7:55

Yeah, yeah. And you, two years in, you went viral on social media, which is how I first came to know you, because you were sharing an experience of being a working mom in particular. And I don't know as a working parent myself or I've been laid off recently, but as a previous working parent.

Speaker 1: 8:14

I think it's so tied to our identities as mothers right and how we view ourselves and our worth, but there's also a lot of critique of working mothers. What was that experience like for you? Did it change your perspective at all or did it vindicate, Like, how did you feel after that video went viral? Because I think I related to what you said in many ways and you can also give us a recap if you want to.

Speaker 2: 8:37

But what do you know? What do you say? I don't think I saw this video. Oh, yes, okay, it sounds, just because I think proximity is how I ran into Brittany.

Speaker 1: 8:46

Who knows how the algorithm works and when was this so?

Speaker 3: 8:54

this went viral a while ago. So, like I'm talking six months to a year ago, how long was that? Six months to a year ago, I want to say? And we have been very fortunate in that we have had the means to hire a nanny to watch our daughter during the day, so that we can work. The first decision that a lot of working parents make is what am I going to do with my child when I have to return to work? And for us, our daughter was a preemie and I just felt better placing her in a one-to-one environment with a caretaker. That was just my postpartum anxiety about her development, and so we went the nanny route. We love our nanny to death. She is an angel and very much an extension of our family.

Speaker 3: 9:39

I made the video that went viral on a morning that my nanny had called out sick and I was not in the position at least I didn't think I was, because it was the first time that it had happened to take the day off work to watch my child, and my husband had a number of meetings, so we were tag teaming. The day it was the morning was like you have a meeting at nine, I'll take my daughter, I have a meeting at 10. You take our daughter and we were just walking around our neighborhood and I made a TikTok video for what I thought was like my 500 followers at the time. That, in my mind, was really paying homage to work from home moms, which was a thing that I had seen on social moms who work a full-time job and also keep their child at home to watch them. That's bananas and I see both of your faces and it's like it's impossible.

Speaker 3: 10:42

If you are a parent, you know how difficult that is, especially if your kids are young. They have no sense of self-preservation. My daughter was like flinging herself off of couches at the time, like it's. It's not a safe environment, but I had seen it growing on social media and so what I thought was doing was remarking on women who did that and asking them how they made that work because it is so hard. There was myself and my husband trying to tag team the day and it was still hard. The reaction was really jarring, was picked up via the algorithm. It reached 2.3 million people and the majority of the comments were dragging me for being a terrible mom who outsourced my childcare.

Speaker 2: 11:34

Wait, what that was the response to that.

Speaker 1: 11:39

So I remember it's so funny. Did you know that, supposedly based on our own algorithms, we see different comments on other people's videos? So when I looked at your video, I wasn't seeing those comments, and maybe it's because of my algorithm. I was seeing commentary about how I think they were saying things along the lines of like don't your nanny should deserve sick time, and you're like yeah, of course she does. Like that's what I was saying, like I was just saying this is really hard and that, like nobody should have to do two jobs and that this is a full time job, which was interesting because I think we get scolded as working parents for having childcare, right, yes. And then when you say this is really hard, they're like well then you shouldn't have kids. It's like this whole thing, it's like you just can't win.

Speaker 1: 12:20

Yes, how did you? How did you feel receiving that feedback? That feedback's a lot of feedback to be receiving at one time. Social media can be really cruel and lacking nuance in those instances. When you go viral, how did that feel for you? I mean, you were what a mom to an 18 month old baby at the time. I can't imagine that was easy to go through.

Speaker 3: 12:37

It was. It was jarring, but I have a thick skin. I grew up dancing really seriously at the San Francisco ballet school and so I I teach for years and so I have developed a thick skin because of that and because I work In brand marketing. For me I was just letting the engagement boost, the algorithm and just you know, riding it, riding the wave. But it did start to get to me and I did have to mute some of the more trolly comments telling me I'm a terrible parent.

Speaker 3: 13:23

You can't even handle one kid. You weren't meant to be a mom. If you can't do this, also, why should I feel bad for you Because you can afford to have a nanny when some people struggle to put meals on the table? There were a lot of comments like that, but really what I came away with? First of all, that there were a lot of working moms who could relate, who put supportive comments in there, and secondly, that I just feel total conviction for what I said, because I meant it in a good way. I mean it in my heart that you should not have to work and watch your child at the same time. There should be structural things in place to support working parents and there just are not. And I feel that in my bones and so I'm going to keep saying it.

Speaker 2: 14:18

Good, I agree with you, I think. I mean we know Paige does as well. I think it's hard. So your husband's also working a nine to five right In corporate America. How do you balance that? Because I recently left corporate America because I was like I just need a break, I cannot do. I left tech, so it's a different thing, right? You know I was like I got to get out of tech. I can't keep doing this with a young child. So how is that balancing your relationship? You mentioned you have family nearby, so I'm assuming that helps. But balancing your relationship, your jobs, your child, especially, with it being harder than you expected.

Speaker 3: 14:51

Yes, it has been really a test of our communication skills, and you hear so much when you take prenatal classes. Mine had a whole hour dedicated to how your marital satisfaction is going to go down when you have young kids.

Speaker 2: 15:10

You're going to have to share the link for this so that we can get it out to other people. I didn't take any of these.

Speaker 3: 15:16

I will. It was run through the hospital where I was set to deliver and they do the breastfeeding class. They do all sorts of you know, like when you had to time your contractions and when to go to the hospital. But they also did an hour long session with a social worker who came in and essentially presented to us empirical data that showed that marital satisfaction decreases in the time when you have young kids and it regains to levels before you had kids, basically once your kids are out of the house so 18, I thought it was like eight.

Speaker 3: 15:58

So my husband and I were cracking up watching this via zoom. It was all all remote and we're like, oh, that won't be us, It'll never happen. Lo and behold, just the things that were difficult before. You know managing your life, managing your family, managing, you know, seeing friends and social lives and kind of all of the other things. When you have children, it just becomes harder. And so, as two working parents, you have children, it just becomes harder, and so, as two working parents in corporate America, it's a lot of reviewing calendars together on the weekend so that we know who is doing what at what time. If our child care is going to lapse for an hour because she has a doctor's appointment and she's a person like, of course she's going to go do that. But we just have to make accommodations and luckily we both work from home almost 100% of the time, and so if I need to pop out during lunch to do this, that and the other, I can, but it's it's a lot of communication.

Speaker 1: 17:02

Yeah it, it's a lot of communication. People often say to couples like, don't let it all become logistics, don't let it all be logistics, and it's like, okay, yeah, but a lot of it is logistics, right, and so we have to talk about those things, and even the logistics play into maintaining your relationship. I'd be interested in what that's been like for you, kind of knowing that you had that course. I did not have that course going in, which is probably why it went so awry.

Speaker 1: 17:27

You know, logistically speaking, in order for us to have a date night, it's a lot of work to coordinate. We've got four kids, two full-time jobs. Childcare is hard to come by, babysitters are not just there at the snap of your fingers, right, like they take work. And unless you have family support which I know you said you're close to family I'd be interested in what that's like for you. It's logistically difficult to manage a relationship because oftentimes to get that time with one another we do need to remove ourselves from our house and from the kid right Just to get that brain space back to really connect with one another.

Speaker 3: 18:00

People are always like having an at-home date night.

Speaker 1: 18:02

I'm like, okay, but when I'm having an at-home date night, I'm like hearing the laundry go off and, like a kid starts to yell upstairs and now the dog has to go out. And this isn't really a date night anymore, is it? It's just a night at home, totally.

Speaker 3: 18:15

Yeah, totally. There is just a lot involved and we have grandparents nearby, so we live about 30 minutes from where I grew up in San Francisco. My parents still live in the house where I grew up and they help out on date nights and weekends, but we need to plan ahead for that to happen. They have not had young kids at home for 30 plus years, so they have their own lives as they should. They are enjoying being grandparents, empty nesters, picking up hobbies that they couldn't otherwise do when we were young, and so for me it's like it requires a level of planning and really just respect for their lives.

Speaker 3: 19:02

So we have to say a month out, this is the night that we would like to select for date night. Can you help out with the bedtime routine that night? And they'll say yes or no. If they're unable to do it, then I have to go to my bench of part-time babysitters who I hope can help out, and then you know if it's a new babysitter it's talking about. Like, this is the nighttime routine, this is when you would go in at bedtime after 10 minutes of crying, or whatever your criteria is. You're really teaching them from the ground up, and so it just. Yeah, it requires a lot of planning.

Speaker 2: 19:41

And a lot of thought. It's like the mental load. I know you both talk about this often is like the mental load of having to do all these things, having to communicate, having sorry my internet I don't know if it's going out on your side but having to know all of those things in advance is not so easy. We can't see you Like it doesn't lead to intimacy in my experience.

Speaker 3: 20:00

Yes, yes, there is a lot of the mental load and I wish I had known this before becoming a parent.

Speaker 3: 20:12

Perhaps if I was on TikTok I would have found Paige's platform before I became a parent.

Speaker 3: 20:17

But I really didn't get on TikTok until I was postpartum and I was really looking for just something to do for myself. So maternity leave was just a time that was just a total blur and diapers and not knowing which way is up and pumping all the time and just being like what did I do with my life? Like loving your child so much but also having it be such a 180 from where you were in your life that I really just I started my TikTok account because I wanted to like share my outfits Like it was. It was meant to just be something light and easy and I found this mom community that talked about the mental load. But I was not aware before I became a parent and looking back, I think a lot of the signs were clear. I was always more participatory in the home grocery shopping, decor, like making plans with friends. A lot of those things just fall on women even before they become parents, and so that was magnified when I became a parent, for sure.

Speaker 1: 21:28

Yeah, nobody really talked about it. The mental load of it all Nobody talked about. I feel like people are because of social media. You know, there was this real critique for a little while. I don't know how you guys you know again what your algorithms look like, but mine was around the idea of like, make it look more positive.

Speaker 1: 21:45

Everybody's so negative about parenting and it's like. I don't know that it's negative. I think people are trying to tell others what it's really like and you know, that's what we're trying to do here, which is, yes, there are so many positives, so many positives, but you cannot talk about them without also acknowledging the hardships that come along with it. Right, and acknowledging that you know, if you have a traumatic birth, then that's going to impact your experience as a mother and that's okay and you can feel all the things you feel about that and still love your baby. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, like. They can all coexist.

Speaker 1: 22:19

And I think that mental load part is so often when women do bring it up, even on social media. I'm sure you've seen it and experienced it. But the commentary is you know you chose this, you wanted to be a mom, you knew what it was like and it's like actually, no, no, I did not. I did not know, and if I had known, I would have set things up very differently and I would have had different expectations for myself, for my partner, all of it. But we go on a bit blind and I think, how could we not?

Speaker 3: 22:46

We didn't have access, sure, and I think that by not talking about it we just do women such a disservice, because if you're only portraying motherhood as like butterflies and rainbows, then when people become parents and it's different they are disappointed or led to think that they did something wrong, and so it's really important to kind of elevate the other aspects of motherhood, even if it is difficult.

Speaker 2: 23:15

Paige, I think my algorithm, which tends to be very different, was the opposite of yours. All I saw was everything's so easy. If it's hard for you, then you kind of suck and I was like, oh, it's not gonna be hard. I got this. You mentioned that your daughter was born premature. How was your pregnancy and birth experience? Yes, Wow.

Speaker 3: 23:37

I'm glad because my therapist early on told me to talk about your birth story and that'll help you process it, and that is very different than the way that I was brought up. My parents and this is like slightly tangent but, I think, good contextual background my parents immigrated to the US from Hong Kong when they were teenagers and growing up in a Chinese American household you just stuffed out of the feelings Like it was just not anything that we addressed openly and so my pregnancy was very easy. I had no morning sickness, I was dancing the whole time, I was going about my work, I was feeling good. I went into labor at 34 weeks, the day after I had been in for a fetal non-stress test. So I had had a condition called a filamentous cord insertion, which, at 20 weeks, when we did our anatomy scan, the technician did everything, said everything's looking fine. We found out that it was a girl because prior to that we had had a vanishing twin. What?

Speaker 2: 24:56

is a vanishing twin.

Speaker 3: 24:58

Apparently it's not very common. At the first ultrasound there were two amniotic sacs, but one appeared to be much larger than the other and our OB had said I think this is a vanishing twin. I bet you next time you come in for your next scan, this secondary sac is not going to be there. So either one absorbed the other. I don't totally understand the science behind it, but I was like, excuse me, are we having twins? Please, please, tell me if we're having twins. It ended up not being the case, so we couldn't do the blood testing that would tell you the sex early on, because there was the potential for a third set of chromosomes. So they were like wait until 20 weeks. We went to our 20-week appointment, found out it was a girl. The technician is like I'm just going to have the maternal fetal medicine doctor come in and talk to you. And I was the first time. This was my first time at the rodeo. So I was like, okay, whatever, they're just going to talk to me about next steps. She said you have velllum and discord insertion. It basically means that the placenta is attached on the side and not in the middle. And she said it's totally fine, everything is measuring exactly. To date. Everything looks good, but it is something that, starting at 30 weeks, I want you to go every week for fetal non-stress testing. So I was like, okay, fine, I'm, I was a healthy person, I was 33 years old so about average, at least in this area for first time parents, and so I had been going in for non-stress testing. Everything looked good.

Speaker 3: 26:47

One afternoon I signed off from work, I took my dog to the dog park. I was leaning down to pick up his ball and I felt a gush and I was like I have to just be leaking. Like this is just first time. Mom, naivete, you're just like. I think I'm leaking, but I'm hungry, so I'm going to go home and eat dinner. And then like, then maybe we'll go to the hospital. And so I told my husband and he's like no, no, I think we should go to the hospital now. So we dropped everything and we went to the hospital.

Speaker 3: 27:22

We were admitted through the ER, fully thinking that I would be going home, and they confirmed that my water had broken and that I would be there until the baby was ready if I wasn't going into labor then. And so we were at the hospital where I intended to give birth. When it became clear that I was going into labor, their NICU was full and at 34 weeks a baby is going to go to the NICU because their lungs are not fully developed yet. And so then proceeded four hours of figuring out where I was going to give birth. Four hours, yeah, the hospital said we can transfer you to UCSF, we're going to try to find you a bed there. Two hours later they came back and said UCSF SNCCU is full. After that they said okay, now we're going to try CPMC, which is another big hospital in San Francisco.

Speaker 3: 28:20

And so by the time they finally found me a bed, I was in active labor and I was going by myself in an ambulance. My husband was coming home to pack a hospital bag, figure out where our dog was going, do all the things, and then he was going to meet me at the hospital. But by the time he got there I was in triage and I was so just like in the throes of labor that I just couldn't even communicate. And at that point I was like I need an epidural, give me an epidural right now. And my daughter was born several hours later and she was about five pounds at 34 weeks, so she was a sizable 34-weeker.

Speaker 1: 29:04

Yeah, that's big for a 34-weeker.

Speaker 3: 29:06

Yeah, and then she was in the NICU for three weeks, which then you know you get discharged from the hospital and you go home and you don't have your baby with you and then they tell you to start pumping immediately. And so you're at home, or I was at home pumping every three hours without my baby, trying to figure out how to tell the government that I had had my baby and I needed to go on leave and telling my coworkers and oh sorry, I didn't actually wrap up this project that I was going to, but yeah, then just going back and forth from the NICU for three weeks.

Speaker 1: 29:44

That's a lot. I can't imagine the stress of them being like we don't have a bed for you, I'm like.

Speaker 3: 29:49

Well, better find one, please Like now you know, I don't even remember feeling that stressed in the moment because you don't know what you don't know. So, as as a first time mom I had, I had trust in the hospital system. I had trust that they were going to find me a bed. What I didn't realize is that by the time they had found it, I would be in active labor, going in a ambulance by myself.

Speaker 1: 30:23

That's scary to be alone. I remember that was my greatest fear because I gave birth in the height of COVID two times and being really fearful that my husband wasn't going to be able to be with me. That was going to be alone. I was really afraid of that. That was like a huge anxiety of mine and I can't imagine what that ride or maybe you blacked it out. I blacked out a lot at birth but like that ride must've been really scary for you to be alone and to be in labor.

Speaker 3: 30:46

It was scary and it was hard because the technician was timing my contractions and so I had to like scream from the back of the ambulance. They were riding in the passenger seat like okay, it's started.

Speaker 1: 30:59

Nobody was back there with you. No one was back there with me. That's weird, isn't it? Isn't there usually somebody back there with you?

Speaker 3: 31:05

And so I was like it's starting and then I would breathe through it. And then I would I it, and then I would, I would be like, okay, now, it's, now it's ended. And then then they would time like the period between contractions, and I arrived at the new hospital and none of my records had transferred. So I was telling them, like I was telling them, and actually that was the hospital where I was born, so they had, like my dad as my emergency contact.

Speaker 1: 31:31

It's fine.

Speaker 3: 31:33

It's fine, just keep it, it's okay. Yeah, so it was the whole thing.

Speaker 2: 31:38

That's when you wait that is a lot, when you start started telling your friends because I imagine after you gave birth you were talking about it because you're like what the heck just happened? This is bananas. Did you have friends who went through similar things or who were also like, yeah, I had this crazy experience happen too.

Speaker 3: 31:56

I, my very best friend, delivered her baby at 34 weeks also Wow, and I she had ESP or something because she texted me saying like I'm so proud for how far you have gone in your pregnancy.

Speaker 3: 32:11

And I responded to her Megan I'm in the hospital and she, she knew and she just said everything that I needed to hear and in many cases like she, yeah, she was my support person because she had been through it before. Besides her, I actually had very few friends who had kids. I was on the early side, which I think is also geographical.

Speaker 1: 32:39

Geographical for sure. Yeah, yeah, the San Francisco Bay area ladies are having kids much later. Yeah, compare, like let's compare you all to Utah, it's probably a pretty big gap, probably 20 years.

Speaker 3: 32:51

I was 37.

Speaker 2: 32:52

So like yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1: 32:54

Yeah, the secret life of a Mormon wife. Some of those girls were 16, 17 years old, literally 20 years yeah.

Speaker 1: 32:59

So young. That's amazing. You had that in a friend who went through something so similar to you. Because I think, sam, you've mentioned this before, but so many of us go through these things and we don't have anyone who can relate at least not in our immediate friend group, or if you're the first person to have children and so we go to the internet. That's what Sam did, that's what I did. I went to Facebook groups. I was like I just need anybody who knows about what happened to me so I can feel less alone in this, and that's so special. I mean I'm sorry that both of you gave birth so early and that it is such a that's hard on you, that's hard on your baby, but I mean it is. I'm glad that you had one another in that moment.

Speaker 3: 33:36

Yeah, I am too Serious. Props to her. I also was very proactive in finding kind of like mom's groups to join. So the hospital where I intended to deliver has a weekly mom's group. It's run by a lactation consultant and that one is very much talking about okay, this is what my baby's doing. Other moms can chime in. They also had a smaller forum where six postpartum women would join in. It was like group therapy basically, and so that was how is mom doing? Like what are the things that you are dealing with? Whether it's postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, just like what the hell am I doing? What did I do with my life? Or like I hate my husband right now. That was a really good form to have.

Speaker 1: 34:26

And those were in person or were they virtual? They were virtual, but still. I mean, that's amazing. I didn't have any of those things, Did you Sam?

Speaker 2: 34:34

No, I think this is a post-COVID world thing, because when we were going through it, though, Paige, it was like they didn't even have Zoom. It was like you could either go in in person and then all those were canceled and they had no backup. So it seems like and, brittany, I don't know if your best friend had any of the did she have access to any of these programs? Okay, so I think it's a post COVID thing.

Speaker 3: 34:52

Yeah, she delivered during COVID, also wearing a mask for an old kid and a whole thing.

Speaker 1: 34:58

Yeah, I think there's so much value in that. I also don't know how you feel Cause you share pretty open. You were saying you know you're, you didn't, you weren't raised to share.

Speaker 1: 35:06

But I find that moms are just so open with one another, like the first time you meet them you're like yeah, yeah, I had a fourth degree tear and this is what they did and like you're just telling them these things and that's not what happened to me but, like you know, we're having these conversations so openly with one another because I think we can all just recognize how life-changing childbirth is, or just even becoming a parent in any way that we're just we feel like we have to say something like if you're gonna listen to me, I'm gonna tell you, because this was wild, or at least that's how I feel.

Speaker 3: 35:39

I think motherhood is the great equalizer, and part of it is, you know, having reached a time in your life where you're no longer embarrassed to start up a conversation with a stranger or, like you know, be judged by someone I don't know. I actually reconnected with someone who I knew in high school through a mom's group. We were not friends in high school at all and now we're great friends and I think just becoming a parent really just gives you a common ground.

Speaker 1: 36:13

Yeah, yeah, and once your kids get a little older, cause you both well, sam, your son's getting there, but I, I live in my hometown, which was not my intention. I just happened to live here and my son is now friends with people from high school's kids and I'm like, oh well, yeah, I didn't think we had anything in common, but now we do kids. And I'm like, oh well, yeah, I didn't think we had anything in common, but now we do. Yeah, we do Because, yeah, parenting is this like universal experience where I think every parent can kind of give you. It's like, okay, my husband rides motorcycles we're used to before we had kids and he sold them Cause he was like I can't die like this.

Speaker 2: 36:44

Yeah, I was going to say no, he got rid of it.

Speaker 1: 36:48

But every motorcyclist you, you see, always gives each other this like little hand thing. Have you ever seen that? They all stick their hand to the side and I'm like you guys all just wave at each other simply because you're a motorcycle. So he's like, yeah, I mean you're just like saying hey, like what's up? And I was like that's what parenting is, though, like you look at another parent and you a weird experience. But I mean, hey, take the good parts right.

Speaker 2: 37:19

So you do something for yourself. That is interesting. You go to ballet still every Sunday. I was going to gymnastics for a while because I was like I need to get back to my younger self and I heard somebody say do something that you loved when you were eight. And so that's what I've been trying to do right now. I've taken a break just because it's not working out. But were you doing that right after your postpartum or when did you start like taking that intentional time for yourself? I know you dance through your pregnancy and everything but I, yes.

Speaker 3: 37:42

So I had danced up until the day before I gave birth and then postpartum let's see, I delivered in end of October.

Speaker 3: 37:51

And then postpart let's see, I delivered in end of October I think January is when I went back. So I was cleared to exercise again and I went back and I just said you know what I need to carve this hour and a half time for myself. It was really difficult because for a long time I was hearing like phantom crying and just having so much anxiety about living my child, but also understanding that if I got out of the house and did something for me, that I would come back and be a better caretaker to our daughter, and my husband was really supportive of it. My parents came over to help out a lot in the postpartum. Parents came over to help out a lot in the postpartum, early postpartum days, and so it was really special because it was just. It's such a mindful experience. You are there for an hour and a half and all you focus on is just learning the combinations, the technique, trying to better yourself and just doing something for you.

Speaker 1: 38:50

And did you have active conversations with your partner about this? Because I think there's this I'm sure you hear this online, but I often do which is like oh, but like that's just one more thing to schedule and like you know, when does my partner get their free time? And what does this look like, right, and, and you were pumping still, I imagine, or something along the lines of that. And so, yeah, how did you have that, even just have that conversation? Because I think oftentimes there's so much guilt around spending that time not just away from our baby, but also like sometimes when we leave the house, we're like, oh, now I'm leaving my husband with like X, y and Z and like I know he's tired too, and it's this like ongoing narrative in our brain to try to convince us not to do these things for ourselves, even though we know it's important.

Speaker 3: 39:33

Yeah, I want to say that we had talked about it before, but we really hadn't, and I was just at my wits end and I was like I need to get out of the house.

Speaker 1: 39:42

Bye, bye. Good for you yeah.

Speaker 3: 39:47

And then it became a conversation after that. And then it became a conversation after that. But all of it is structural in the way that parental leave is scheduled in this country. You know, I was very fortunate to have 16 weeks of maternity leave. My husband only had four. We spent three weeks in the NICU leave. My husband only had four. We spent three weeks in the NICU. So by the time we came home with our daughter, my husband was home, not working for one week, and so then it just became I am on leave for the foreseeable future. It just became like okay, then I'll do the lion's share of the night feedings. I was already up because I was pumping. It's just how structure magnifies the differences in parental roles and I wish we had better accommodations for it, but it's the reality for a lot of parents in the US.

Speaker 2: 40:48

Yeah, was he able to take any unpaid time off for like FMLA?

Speaker 3: 40:52

Yes, so after I went back to work he took some additional time off, so we were able to extend the time that we did not need to hire childcare for a little bit.

Speaker 2: 41:07

It's just so funny that the state you live in can really like determine if you're going to have more or less support. It's just wild. It's like okay, if you don't live in California, guess what? You get no FMLA or you know whatever it is so, or you get no parental leave, so we have it in Massachusetts.

Speaker 1: 41:22

At least we did for my last child. I didn't have it for my previous three but, yeah, prior my husband didn't get any leave and so he would use his PTO if he had it and that was about it. And for our fourth child he actually got paid leave, which was a game changer. I mean it just. It just changes it so much. The experience is so different and I think it's important.

Speaker 1: 41:47

I know I've said it a million times, I think we all agree, but it also is so important for dads to have that time with their kids and to be able to spend that meaningful time important, I know I've said it a million times, I think we all agree, but it also is so important for dads to have that time with their kids and to be able to spend that meaningful time with them, to do overnights and things. I mean it's just so important. And it's sad that, yeah, depending on where you live, you may or may not have access to it. Depending on your job, you may or may not have access to it. And even you, Brittany, you said you were lucky enough to have 16 weeks. You should have had more.

Speaker 3: 42:11

You should have had more.

Speaker 1: 42:12

Honestly, I only had eight weeks. I should have had more. You should have had more. We deserve way more than 16 weeks. That is not enough time for any of us. I'm glad you had it, but I wish you had more.

Speaker 3: 42:25

Yeah, me too. It's just yeah, I mean it's. It's unfortunate that the US is like this, because I spent a little bit of time in the Scandinavian countries over the summer and I was just talking to people about accommodations that they have for families and I think in Norway it was like, yeah, combined the parents can take up to a year. You know everything like society is built around a gathering area for parents, so there's always a park, there's all of these resources that are available for anyone who wants a family that we just don't have in the US, and it's kind of insane.

Speaker 2: 43:05

Yeah, I think all the European countries have that. There's a park and it's surrounded by bars and restaurants and the parents go and watch the kids from and I'm just like why do we live in such a weird? Why is America so weird?

Speaker 1: 43:17

We have so many amazing things, but it's even like we have this muffin shop in town. It's a small little muffin shop and my friend goes there with her kids all the time and we go there too, and it's like it's a muffin shop, like this is a place for kids, you sell muffins, that has. I know that other people frequent this shop but like kids love muffins and somebody scolded her son for like being too loud and he's two, like two and a half, and they were like not in this muffin shop and it's like okay, well then, where can we go? Like, honestly, where can we go? Because we're not allowed at the restaurants, we're not allowed at the muffin shop. There's no playgrounds near anything.

Speaker 1: 43:51

Well, you chose this life, so you should have known better, yeah but it's so, yeah, it's so sad because I think that is probably we've gotten further and further away from that reality, because even I think back. I don't know what your experience was like, but my parents always talked about growing up on the same street as all their cousins. So even if they weren't at like a gathering place, that street was there, that was their like, that was their street. They could all play outside, they could be together, they could run from house to house and the parents could do the same. That doesn't exist anymore, right, and so it's just, it's or not everywhere. It doesn't exist everywhere. I'm sure there are some places in our country where people have those communities, but it makes a big difference to have that space. I can't imagine the stark difference you experienced while you were there versus while you're.

Speaker 1: 44:36

When you came home, like, oh, back to the U S. Yeah, exactly, oh goodness, brittany, you have been a parent for almost two years. You're at the two year mark, congratulations, you have survived. You're entering toddler phase like for real now, so of luck. But you know, I'm sure, like you said, you're one of the first of your friends to have kids. What advice are you giving people when they tell you that they are going to have a child for the first time. What's your number one piece of advice that you like to dole out now that you're the veteran parent?

Speaker 3: 45:08

Oh man, it doesn't. I don't feel like I'm qualified to be advice to these people quite yet. I tell people that I I talked to a lot of friends who are expecting and they have a lot of anxiety about their registry and like what to put on it, and I just always say less is more. Like create an Amazon list of things that you think you might need, don't order any of it, yet it can be overnighted to you. At the end of the day, that stuff is not a big deal.

Speaker 3: 45:42

But I also really do talk about like trying to fortify the scaffolding around your relationship with your partner before the baby comes, because I think that setting that baseline expectation for okay, we are about to go into a really tough period. We need to be communicative, we need to have a plan for overnights, we need to have a plan for so mom can get out of the house, who's washing the pump parts, those sorts of things I think is a really good conversation to have before you dive into parenthood, and a lot of it is like you don't know what you don't know. So whether my friends actually have take this advice, I don't know, but I hope it's helpful, yeah.

Speaker 1: 46:32

I'll also say one expert tip I give to people who are going to pump is to get some, if you don't use them already, like dish gloves, because your hands are going to be raw from washing those pump parts. Yeah, I don't know if you had that, but like my hands were so dry from washing pump parts a thousand times a day.

Speaker 3: 46:46

And your pump parts don't have to be washed every single time you use them. Did you do the freezer hack? I did the fridge hack.

Speaker 1: 46:53

I did the fridge hack.

Speaker 3: 46:55

And then for storing punch milk in your freezer, like making freezer bricks, using like baking pans. All of this stuff I learned on TikTok, so fun.

Speaker 1: 47:05

We're going to have to link to some of those videos so people know what we're talking about. Totally. I didn't know any of those things about pumping, I was like why didn't nobody tell me about this fridge hack? I've been washing pump carts all day.

Speaker 2: 47:15

Totally. My husband's hands were cracked and bleeding, Like he had to go get treatment, and at the beginning of this conversation, Brittany, you mentioned that you know it's harder than you expected, but it's also better. So what's some of the unexpected joy that being a mother has brought to you?

Speaker 3: 47:32

There is just so much it's hard to put into words. I mean, recently my daughter her vocabulary has really exploded and just the little ways that she pronounces things and the special connection that you have because you can understand what your child is saying but no one else can Like, those sorts of things really just bring me a lot of joy. Also, like seeing her little personality come out and develop friendships with other kids, Like those are the things that really bring me a lot of joy just to see her out in the world interacting.

Speaker 1: 48:13

Yeah, that's awesome. The mispronunciations are the best. One day they go away and it's really sad. I know my first grader used to say muskik instead of music.

Speaker 2: 48:25

She always said muskik. My son says it.

Speaker 1: 48:28

I was like why is she saying this? Because she would say it If I said it to her. She'd say it back to me correctly, but, like in the moment, she could not. And patternment like instead of a pattern. I'm like why did you? You made this word so long Like what's happening and she doesn't do it anymore. And now my husband and I are like that's this is sad. You know, oh, brittany, record them doing it. I've tried to like be intentional about taking videos of them saying like those cute things, okay, and I'm like I know I'm going to want to look at this later and like when she's five and go back and be like I love the way you used to say this word. I need to have concrete evidence. This is what you did.

Speaker 3: 49:02

Yeah, that's. That's really good advice. I'm spending so much money on my iCloud every month, oh.

Speaker 1: 49:06

Oh, me too that I'm a parent. Yeah, between that and TikTok, I mean. Yeah, I know that takes up a lot of storage. Brittany, thank you so much. This has been so fun. Can you tell people where to find you if they want to follow?

Speaker 3: 49:22

along online, yeah, so I would encourage you to follow me on TikTok. My handle is Brittany O-Yang, so B-R-I-T-T-A-N-Y-O-U-Y-A-N-G. You can find me there. I also am on Instagram, but I found that TikTok kind of has taken over, so yeah, and we'll make sure to link all of this in the show notes.

Speaker 2: 49:43

Awesome, yeah, thank you so much Thank you.

Speaker 1: 49:45

This was so fun. Thank you for tuning in to Do you Want the Truth? We hope today's episode gave you a fresh perspective on the real and unfiltered side of parenthood. If you enjoyed our conversation, please rate our show and leave a comment. It helps us reach more parents who need to hear these stories. And remember, we'd love to hear from you If you have your own parenting story to share or a suggestion for a future guest. Reach out to us directly and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Until next time, keep embracing the truth and know you're never alone on this journey.