Navigating a Traumatic Birth Experience with Valerie Oresko [ENCORE]

What do you do when your birth plan starts to fall apart, and how do you advocate for yourself?

In today’s episode, we dive into the often unspoken realities of childbirth and maternal mental health with our guest, Valerie. She shares her raw and powerful story of a traumatic birth experience, lack of paid leave and her journey of resilience and healing. Together, we explore the impact of childbirth trauma, the urgent need for better maternity leave policies, and how therapy and open conversations can be transformative. 

Tune in to hear:

• The importance of preparing for every possible birth scenario, advocating for oneself, and being well-informed about different childbirth methods, including vaginal birth, c-sections, and induction
• The benefits of EMDR therapy and time in coping with PTSD and the crucial role of mental health support during the postpartum period
• An exploration of the gaps in maternity leave policies and support for expecting mothers and calling for better resources and flexibility to balance work and family life
• The importance of normalizing discussions around traumatic birth experiences and the mental health challenges associated with childbirth to provide comfort and help break the isolation many new mothers feel

Learn more about Valerie here: https://www.doyouwantthetruthpod.com/our-guests/valerie

Connect with Valerie:

Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@valerieoresko

Instagram: www.instagram.com/valerieoresko

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Valerie's Story
• 5:59 Unexpected Pregnancy and NuvaRing
• 11:12 No Paid Leave or Disability Coverage
• 18:24 Birth Plan vs. Hospital Reality
• 24:43 Pitocin and Traumatic Labor Experience
• 34:35 Emergency C-Section and Panic
• 45:42 PTSD Diagnosis and Finding Light
• 55:45 Advice for Expectant Parents

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:31

Welcome to Do you Want the Truth? The podcast where we dive deep into the real, raw and unfiltered stories of parenthood. I'm Paige Connell.

Speaker 2: 0:38

And I'm Sam Strong. We bring you candid conversations with parents who share their experiences of birth, fertility and parenting.

Speaker 1: 0:44

We share the stories that are typically reserved for your best friends, offering a sense of connection and understanding.

Speaker 2: 0:49

Here we believe in the power of truth-telling, because when someone asks, do you want the truth?

Speaker 1: 0:58

We always say yes. Join us as we explore the highs and lows and everything in between, so you can feel less alone on your parenting journey. On today's episode, we chat with Valerie. She's a new mom to a beautiful five-month-old baby boy. She opens up about her journey through maternity leave, sharing her struggles after being denied her short-term disability, and she talks about how she navigated this challenging period. She also bravely recounts her traumatic birth experience, shedding light on the emotional and physical impact it had on her. Please note this episode contains discussions of a traumatic birth. We encourage you to listen with care and take breaks if needed. Join us as we delve into Valerie's story. Hi, valerie, thank you so much for joining us. We're so excited to have you.

Speaker 3: 1:38

I'm so happy to be here and just to be part of this conversation with you guys.

Speaker 2: 1:42

And we're getting into one of my favorite topics today birth. So I love talking about that Before we do that. You mentioned earlier that, while we weren't recording that, your little one is going through his four-month sleep regression. How's that going for you?

Speaker 3: 1:55

Oh, you know it is rough. We're in the thick of it right now. It is really kind of like testing us as parents. We have for context like the easiest, sweetest baby. He's always been such a good sleeper and, you know, for those first like three and a half months I was like, wow, parenting is so easy. And then, yeah, I had this served to me on a platter and now we are really in the thick of it, but we're hanging in there. But if I'm feeling like or sounding a little sleep deprived, that's definitely why.

Speaker 1: 2:26

Yeah, it's hard when you have a good sleepers, because my two biological kids were such good sleepers they were sleeping through the night at like three or four weeks old and then when they have a sleep regression or something happens, I'm like what is this? This is awful, how do I do it? It's such a shock when you're not used to it, which it's like every parent has that shock, it just depends like when it happens, right, but it's hard when your newborn's a good sleeper and then those regressions hit and you're like, oh no, I wasn't expecting it.

Speaker 3: 2:57

Yeah, it's kept us humble, that's for sure, that's right.

Speaker 2: 3:00

When I was like begging my husband, I'm like, please, we have to do sleep training. In tears, I'm like I'm so tired. That's when I think we did sleep training was right around the four months Cause I was like I can't do it. This is crazy.

Speaker 1: 3:12

But did your son sleep, sam, before that? Like, did he sleep as a newborn or no?

Speaker 2: 3:18

Um, we woke him up every three hours Cause the doctor told us to and I think you know, paige, you know me, I follow the orders very, very precisely and I swear it ruined him. He probably would have been a good sleeper. Um, but we did the three hours and then we're like why is he waking up over three hours from then on? So he was like every three hours up until we did sleep training. It was brutal, brutal. But then we did sleep training and we got.

Speaker 1: 3:46

We got 12 hours from then on and the Merlin sleep suit. That was also a lifesaver. I think that's gone now. I think that's that's been pulled. But, valerie, you know you're a parent of a newborn. Are you good, can you use the margaret? Is that off limits now?

Speaker 3: 3:56

Oh no, it's out, but you don't know, you don't know.

Speaker 1: 4:01

It was the best. Honestly, like I I'm not saying that to diminish why it was pulled off, but like I remember, like when you could put them in the sleep suit, it was like this is the prime time, like this is the prime time, like this is the sleeping time.

Speaker 1: 4:19

They're going to sleep well in this thing. Too bad, I just missed that cut off. It's actually kind of scary as a parent that, like so often, we and this is every parent's experience right, our parents barely buckled us up, right, but like you do these things that are approved and everybody's doing them and even your doctor's fine with it, and then a year later, they're like this is awful and you're like, oh my gosh, like we use that every night for months, like how did we not know? And I feel like you can't escape it. No matter, no matter how far we come, right, like with technology and resources, it's like this continues to happen.

Speaker 1: 4:54

And yeah, I think we just do what we can with what we know. Like you said, valerie, like we do what we can with what we know and that's all we can do, exactly. So this is your first child and I found you on TikTok when you shared your experience about leave and working while pregnant and that experience, so before you'd actually kind of given birth. But if you don't mind kind of taking us back, you know what was the journey like for you trying to conceive and your pregnancy.

Speaker 3: 5:30

Did it go as you expected or as you planned? Yeah, so this is it's one of my favorite stories to tell, because it is just so unique. I actually was not trying to get pregnant. I was actually actively trying to not get pregnant. I was on the NuvaRing and you know, it was last summer. My boyfriend at the time, husband now it was last summer, my boyfriend at the time, husband now he and I were on this big hiking trip. We were hiking five days around Mount Hood in Oregon. It was my first like multi-day hike and we were crushing it. But I was like so mysteriously tired and I'm a pretty active person so I was like, well, maybe I'm just not as in shape as I thought I was, but this just feels more tired than I should be. And so we're on this amazing trip. We come back and we're at the beach and I've always been a small chested girly. I made my peace with it. That's just who I am. And we're both sitting on the beach and kind of like, hmm, something's a little different.

Speaker 3: 6:35

All of a sudden, at the ripe age of 29, I decided to hit second puberty and I have these boobs that came out of nowhere and I was rolling with it. I was like I knew this was in the cards for me. I knew that my patience was going to be lost and I was going to have the boobs I always dreamed of. And Ben was like hold up, this doesn't just happen. Maybe you're pregnant. And I was like no, there's no way, I'm on the new ring, I'm. So, on top of it, I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant, and I was super pregnant. I was 10 weeks pregnant, wow yeah. But I just like felt great, and so it just never even occurred to me that that was a possibility. So by the time I found out, I was almost done with my first trimester and we were like hitting the ground running. I was like I have some groundwork to make up, and I was like waiting for the morning sickness to hit. It never hit. I had the easiest pregnancy ever. It was so uncomplicated and healthy, like I just felt normal but pregnant, and it was a dream, an absolute dream.

Speaker 3: 7:46

Um, now the uh, the downside of that was that I had just accepted a job when I got pregnant and so you know, I'm signing up for the health insurance, for the short-term disability leave unknowingly pregnant. And so then, when I had my baby and I went to file for that leave, it was determined that my pregnancy was a pre-existing condition. So, even though I didn't know, I was pregnant when I signed up for the policy. They can see my medical records and see that my pregnancy was predated to the time that I signed up for the policy and so I was not able to get any short-term disability and I was on an unpaid maternity leave program as well, because when I accepted the role, pregnancy wasn't even on my radar. So I was like, well, until I find something different, this will be fine.

Speaker 3: 8:43

And then I was in a situation where I was like, oh, I am pregnant. I want, you know, to be pregnant. Like I'm excited about this. I've always wanted to be a mom, but I'm in a situation now where I have no paid maternity leave and I can't even get short-term disability insurance. So it was really difficult and we were really scraping by there for a while and now I'm only four months postpartum. So I'm only like freshly back from that leave and trying to rebuild after that has been difficult.

Speaker 1: 9:13

I want to hear way more about this leave journey of course, but the question I have for you from the beginning of this is being on the NuvaRing. Are there like concerns or risk associated with the fact that you were on this while you became pregnant? Because I know that is like a concern with other birth control methods and so I'm not super familiar with the NuvaRing, but, yeah, what was that like for you? Was that concerning at all or was it kind of? Nope, this is fine, everything's okay.

Speaker 3: 9:40

So I was initially really concerned because I was like, yeah, that's hormones in my body that maybe shouldn't be there when I'm pregnant. And so I, of course you know, took out my NuvaRing immediately upon taking that pregnancy test and my OB seemed to be like very unconcerned with it, since I had it removed still fairly early into the pregnancy. But I'm not sure what it could do if you left it in throughout a pregnancy. But according to my OB she was not concerned about it.

Speaker 1: 10:09

And what's the likelihood of getting pregnant on the NuvaRing?

Speaker 3: 10:12

It has a 99% like efficacy rate, if it's like if you use it correctly. And when I tell you I was so diligent, I had like alarms set on my phone like take out, put back in, like I was so on top of it, and I don't know if I just should have been buying lottery tickets this whole time. Or my son is just especially stubborn. Well, he'll prove to be in the birth story. So he just has a mind of his own and was like no, I'm coming out one way or another. So he just had lucky odds.

Speaker 2: 10:48

Were you on antibiotics or anything or any other medication that could have impacted?

Speaker 3: 10:52

it. No, no, antibiotics Interesting, this is wild. Okay, yeah, so it just like was not even on their radar.

Speaker 1: 10:59

No, and so often people will say things to women like, oh well, don't have kids if you're not ready, or like you know you should have been a birth. It's like even when you do all the things you're supposed to do, sometimes stuff happens, right, Like this is the stuff you did, what you were supposed to do or what you wanted to do, not even just what you were supposed to do, what you wanted to do for yourself and still ended up with an unexpected pregnancy. It's also kind of like a scary thing, right, Because if you weren't in a place to have a pregnancy, right, and then you experienced that it sounds like you both were excited about this pregnancy and then it was really just the lack of support, unfortunately in our country, for pregnant women and birthing people. So, yeah, what was that? Did you try to negotiate for leave? Like what did you do? Like I would have been like, excuse me, we've got to fix this.

Speaker 3: 11:53

This is crazy. Yes, so everything you said, paige, I just want to like absolutely echo. Like you said, you found me because I started posting about my lack of leave on TikTok and that was kind of a way for me to like vent and find solidarity while also like bringing this issue to light for other expectant people, and I got so many comments on TikTok after that video went viral of, well, you should have planned better, like this is why you actively save, like before you start a family, and these are a lot of the same people that are also advocating against birth control and against abortion rights, are also advocating against birth control and against abortion rights, and it's like well, I want to keep this baby that I was not expecting but is such a blessing, so I want to keep this. I signed up for the health insurance policy. I signed up for the short-term disability insurance Like I am checking all the boxes that you expect me to check and I have been proactively saving and like an emergency fund.

Speaker 3: 12:55

But I could not have seen this coming down the pipeline when I got pregnant, when I accepted this job, and so those resources have still been taken away from me, even though I have followed your guidebook exactly the way you wanted me to. So it's just people want to stick this bandaid on it of well, you should have done X, y or Z better. That's not the case. I followed the rules, I did everything I was supposed to and I still found myself in a really difficult situation, completely lacking the resources that I need. So on my end I, you know, upon finding out that I was pregnant, looked up my maternity leave policy and I was like, oh, that's not great. So I did like go to my boss and was like how can we make this work? And there was no flexibility about getting any kind of paid maternity leave unless I was willing to work during that maternity leave.

Speaker 3: 13:48

And now I do work in an office. So I was like I am not coming in to the office when my baby is at home, when I have a newborn and I'm trying to establish breastfeeding. I work in social media marketing so realistically, I can do my entire job remotely, and so I was permitted to do that while I was on maternity leave. So I went down to about hal half time. I was doing about 20 hours a week remotely, starting at four weeks postpartum, which was not ideal, but my household relies on two incomes and my husband is a full time student, so he was finishing his semester when I had our son, and so he was only working part time, and so it's like I didn't have an option. So during those 4 am breastfeeding sessions, I was posting for my boss, and then after those three months, I had to come back into the office. So it was a challenge.

Speaker 2: 14:52

And you mentioned that your pregnancy was considered a pre-existing condition. Does that mean that nothing was covered?

Speaker 3: 14:58

So my health insurance that covered everything, which is great, it was only the short-term disability insurance that sees this pre-existing condition and it's like no, no coverage. Yeah, otherwise that would have been At least, yeah, yeah, the bare minimum, otherwise that would have been at least you know the bare minimum.

Speaker 1: 15:16

It's so hard because, like you said, you kind of followed the guidelines that they give us the way to become a parent or not to become a parent Right, and what you're supposed to do. But it really isn't a you problem, right, like it's not your fault that you didn't have access to short-term disability or a paid leave. And it is kind of crazy, too, that companies. I was very lucky. I worked at a very small company and my boss gave me eight weeks fully paid, which was great. But even eight weeks.

Speaker 1: 15:48

Now that I look back and I see some of my friends getting like six months to a year, I'm like how did I go back at eight weeks? How did I? How did I do that? I don't even know how I did that. And it's crazy that we don't have more supports for families and that so much of this is tied to to our like company's benefit policies and like what they've decided. And it's like not everybody can work at Google, they just can't. And like some of us are going to have to work at small businesses and when you work in a small business you don't get access to these things, you don't get leave, because after.

Speaker 1: 16:16

I think it's like what is it under? Like 25 people or something they don't have to guarantee X, y and Z, like they don't have to pay into it. And it's like okay, like so, why would I work for this small company, which is still important to our economy? Like why would I do that? It doesn't make any sense. It makes no sense. But to your point, I think people like you being willing to share I know it's hard I mean, how was that for you? Was this the first time that video went pretty viral? Like how did you handle that criticism? Because I think you were very, very pregnant and I imagine I had a lot of emotions Like what was that experience like for?

Speaker 3: 16:54

you it was. You know, at first I didn't really think anything of it. This was my first pregnancy. You know I was blessed with that easy pregnancy where I felt pretty good. But regardless of how easy your pregnancy is, when you hit that due date you are ready to be done being pregnant for one, you are also really done working. And you know I was in the office 8.30 am, working a full day on my due date and I just kind of hadn't thought about it. When I first got pregnant I was like, yeah, I'm going to work until I literally can't work anymore because I don't have the choice, but that will be fine.

Speaker 3: 17:36

And then, hearing about these other countries that have six months a year paid maternity leave or paid parental leave where both parents can take time off, it started to really just weigh me down. And that day that I was sitting there, my big old belly looming in front of me, I'm trying to schedule out posts for whenever I go into labor it just really clicked in my brain that this is not how this is meant to be. I shouldn't be here at 40 weeks pregnant, being ready to essentially burst at any second and then considering which of my coworkers I'm going to ask to drive me to the hospital. It should not be the case. Like I should be home resting and like mentally and physically preparing for the hardest thing I will ever do. Physically, but no, instead I am clocking in and scheduling posts on TikTok. So it was. It was sobering, for sure.

Speaker 2: 18:32

It's, it's so strange because it's not like you weren't working before. It's not like you haven't put into this program, like that is what I just don't understand. It's like we put into these programs but if you like change something, then you don't qualify. I mean, I don't understand how it works, but doesn't it come out of your paycheck every week, no matter where you are? So that like yeah.

Speaker 2: 18:54

It depends on the disability you mean. Sam, yeah yeah, disability, yeah yeah, I'm talking about just like from the government, like it's not like. Just because you change a job doesn't mean you're not going to be paying into it. You've been paying into it at your last job, like I don't know. It's very confusing to me.

Speaker 1: 19:08

And your state doesn't have a paid family medical leave act, Valerie, or do they?

Speaker 3: 19:13

No, they just have the 12 week minimum unpaid leave.

Speaker 1: 19:20

Thanks, yeah, I guess I'll have a job right, if I make it that long without money. That's crazy, that's crazy. Without money, that's crazy, that's crazy. And so you said you had an unabated I mean you, you, you got pregnant easily because it was by accident, I guess, right. So I tried to conceive, wasn't really a thing. But you had an easy pregnancy and we've alluded to this a couple of times, but you had what would be considered a traumatic birth. I know nothing about you, I mean, you have not shared this really, and so we don't really know. And so, yeah, what, I guess? When did you go into labor? So it sounds like you hit full term, when did you actually go into labor? And then you know, walk us through it.

Speaker 3: 20:05

Yeah. So, like I said, easy, healthy pregnancy. I went into my OB at 40 weeks and five days pregnant, still no signs of labor, and we decided to do a membrane sweep there, hoping that that would help sweep things along. But at that appointment, you know, I'm getting all kinds of monitoring because I'm now going quite a ways way over my due date and my OB tells me like I have never seen someone so healthy and with such great vitals this far past their due date. You look amazing, baby looks amazing. This is fantastic. And you know, at that appointment I make it very clear like what my birth plan is.

Speaker 3: 20:47

And I had spent my entire pregnancy, mentally and physically, preparing for an unmedicated, intervention-free birth. I did decide to give birth in a hospital just in case something went wrong. I wanted to be there and have, you know, all the resources available, but my hope was to have a completely intervention-free birth. The number one thing I wanted to avoid was a C-section. I've never had surgery before a C-section. I've never had surgery before. Surgery while I'm wide awake sounded terrible and I'm a very active person. So I just knew that that recovery was going to be really brutal and I wanted to get back on my feet as quickly as possible. So I made that abundantly clear to her and my OB verbatim said based on what I'm seeing today, you have a less than 5% chance of having a C-section and you are the perfect candidate for an unmedicated, intervention-free birth. And I was like, okay, those are fantastic odds, I'll take it. So, like I said, we did the membrane sweep.

Speaker 3: 21:47

I go home around 8 pm that night, I'm sitting at the dining table with my mom and I realize I'm like I either just peed myself or my water broke. And lo and behold, thankfully I did not pee myself, it was my water and it had broken. And so I was elated, like I said, like I had done so much mental and physical preparation for this birth that I wasn't even scared of the pain. I was looking forward to it because it also meant I wasn't going to be pregnant anymore and that'd be amazing. So my plan was to labor at home for as long as possible, because once your water is broken, your doctor will put you on like a 24 hour clock because you're at a higher risk of infection and so if you haven't had your baby by those 24 hours, they're going to want to speed things along with intervention, talking about, you know, pitocin or a Foley bulb or a C-section. So I was like, oh no, no, no, I am saying I'm sitting my ass at home, I'm not going anywhere until, like, this baby's coming out.

Speaker 3: 22:51

But I had had a very active baby my entire pregnancy. He moved constantly and very shortly after my water broke I stopped feeling him move and that just was so out of the ordinary that I was like, okay, screw the plan, we're going to the hospital. I need to make sure that my baby is okay. So my husband and I head to the hospital it was like a five minute drive, very close, thankfully and in triage they get me all hooked up to the monitors and they're like, oh yeah, baby's fine. He just probably shifted into your pelvis once your water broke. So you're not feeling him in the same place as you normally would, and that's why, like, you're not feeling that movement. He's good, you're good, you're definitely in labor though. So, like, let's get you checked into a room. So that was a huge relief.

Speaker 3: 23:37

But we get checked into our room and you know, I'm having contractions and they were uncomfortable, but they weren't like really painful yet. So we're just kind of getting settled into the room and an OB walks in. She's the OB on call, and this is not my personal OB, because my personal OB had just gone on vacation. So a little bit of a bummer. But I meet this doctor We'll call her Dr Smith and she introduces herself to me and she's like do you have a birth plan? And I'm like I sure do. I hand her my little printed out sheet of like everything that I want, again the focus unmedicated, intervention-free birth.

Speaker 3: 24:12

I don't want the epidural, I don't want Pitocin, and she's like that sounds good. Just so you know, since your water's broken, you're at higher risk for infection. So you are on a bit of a clock. If you have not made some decent progress in the next 12 hours, I'm going to want to start you on Pitocin. And for those of you that don't know, pitocin is like a hormone that they give you to help speed up your labor. But it is pretty notorious for not only speeding up that labor, like speeding up your contractions and intensifying them, both in frequency and pain level. And so, since I wanted an epidural, free birth, I really wanted to avoid the Pitocin, because I knew my contractions were already going to be painful. I don't need them to be more painful.

Speaker 1: 25:00

I want to ask about the birth plan for a second, because I think a lot of women think about this a lot. I was a little bit more moosey goosey because by the time I actually had my baby, I was 41 weeks in one day and I was like I don't care.

Speaker 1: 25:16

I was like I I was getting induced, right. So there were Pitocin is like a part of induction, Right but I guess I wonder cause? I had a friend who I remember going to her OB and saying like this is my birth plan, and the woman being like ha ha ha, like laughing at her, like OK, sure, we'll talk about your birth plan, and she ended up leaving the practice. She's like I'm going to leave, I'm not seeing these people anymore, because if you can't respect my birth plan, I don't want to come here. So I guess my question for you is did you always feel like your birth plan was being respected, at least prior to this point? Like up until this point, you felt like people were pretty receptive to the fact that you wanted to do this, or did they try to talk you out of it at any point? Like, what was that like for you?

Speaker 3: 25:54

Yeah. So when I've been meeting with my personal OB and I loved her, she was very supportive, very encouraging. Now she did bring my attention to the realities of things, that we can't control every factor of our labor and there might come a time where I might have to be induced and Pitocin might have to be administered, and she was mostly doing her due diligence in keeping me educated. But she really was very supportive of my desire for an intervention-free birth. It wasn't until I got to the hospital that things started to get a little funky.

Speaker 1: 26:34

Okay, walk us through it, tell us more.

Speaker 3: 26:38

So sounded like I was on you know this OB on call. Sounded like we were on the same page with the birth plan and you guys will probably pick up on this. I love a little bit of humor. I like to laugh through serious situations. So the last line on my birth plan was no doom and gloom, let's keep the vibes light. Let's laugh through this labor, like, sorry if I poop on the table, you know trying to make people laugh and feel at ease. So the OB reads that last line. She's like I love this, this is so great. If you like to laugh through your labor, I have a joke for you.

Speaker 3: 27:13

And this is where I should have known things were going to go wrong. I was like, ooh, a joke laid on me. She's like have you heard the rumor about the peanut butter? I said no and she goes oh well, I don't want to be the one to spread it. And my, my husband and I were both like, oh no, yeah, I get it. And so she leaves and we kind of look at each other like, oh, this might not be the best fit, you know, like different senses of humor, but that's fine, not the end of the world. So we're getting comfortable in the room and like 15 minutes later she comes back and she's like hey, your contractions aren't progressing, let's start Pitocin. And I was just like taking it back because I was like wait a second. I was like you just told me that I have 12 hours, so I thought this was a conversation we were going to have at 8am, not 15 minutes later and she was like no, I'm not seeing what I want to see, let's start the Pitocin.

Speaker 3: 28:08

And I was like what? No, no, thank you. Like you told me I have 12 hours. I want to give my body 12 hours to see if I progress. And she was just kind of like okay, well, I want you to know that it is my professional opinion that we should start Pitocin. And I was like okay, no, like we're going to give this the 12 hours and then we can revisit the conversation. So she leaves. My nurse is like I am so sorry. She was like sometimes the obese can be really pushy, but like, good job advocating for yourself. You don't feel any pressure, you have plenty of time. And I was like okay, thank you.

Speaker 3: 28:43

So at this point it's like one or two in the morning and I'm like I need to get some sleep because I have a big day ahead of me. But I was like I know that I need to show this OB that I'm progressing. So I took like a three hour nap. I woke up and then I was determined. I was like I am going to get this baby out. I'm going to like progress in these contractions. So I'm doing squats, I'm doing wall sits, I'm lunging around the hospital room like anything I can think of to like get things moving. And I knew that this obese shift was up at 7 am. So I was like she's going to come in here before 7 am and I'm going to show her that I am progressing and we're making like all this progress and my baby's coming and I'm not getting the Pitocin. 7 am rolls around. She never checks on me and I'm like, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. All right, we're going to get a different OB, that'll be better. So the next OB comes in around eight. She's like hey, you actually haven't progressed. How do you feel about starting Pitocin? And I asked her. I was like hey, I've heard that the Pitocin will make my contractions a lot more intense and painful. Is that the case? And she was like yeah, yeah. And I was like okay, well, I'm trying to do like an epidural-free birth. Do people do that? And she was like sometimes, but full disclosure, the pain is going to be significant. And I was like, okay, I'm going to try anyway. So we start the Pitocin At this point.

Speaker 3: 30:15

I've been in labor for over 12 hours, haven't gotten a lot of sleep and the Pitocin ramps things up very, very fast. Pretty much within the hour I'm having way more contractions, way stronger, but I'm not seeing the contractions on their contraction monitor. So I called the nurse in. I was like, hey, my contractions aren't showing up. I'm feeling them undeniably, but they're not showing up on the monitor. And she was like, oh, that's okay, we're seeing what we need to see. But I like turned to my husband. I was like, start timing my contractions on your app. And I was like, because they're not reading my contractions, I was doing the like wireless monitoring over my belly and I just was like I don't think that they're picking up these contractions.

Speaker 3: 30:58

So, anyway, I spend the next nine hours getting increasingly higher and higher, higher doses of Pitocin, to the point where I am having contractions every two minutes. So they last a minute. They are so intense. I have a one minute break and then they come back on again. And I am a tough cookie. Like I run marathons, I've had my nipples pierced twice. Like I have a one minute break and then they come back on again. And I am a tough cookie. Like I run marathons, I've had my nipples pierced twice. Like I have a high pain tolerance and these contractions were just.

Speaker 3: 31:26

It got to the point where I was hitting my breaking point. I was sobbing through these contractions and so much pain that I told my husband. I was like, all right, it's been. At this point I think like sorry, math is not my strength. It had been 21 hours of labor and I was like you need to call the. Yeah, unmedicated labor. I was like you need to call the OB in here and have them check me, because if I'm close to pushing, I can hold out, I can endure, but if I'm not, I need. I can hold out, I can endure, but if I'm not, I need the epidural. Like I cannot go on anymore.

Speaker 3: 32:02

So he brings the OB in, they do a cervical check and I have not progressed. I'm still only four centimeters dilated. And so I'm like, yep, I mean I'm crying through these contractions. I was like, yep, you have to give me the epidural. So they call for the anesthesiologist and they're like, well, in the meantime, like we're not seeing these contractions that you claim to be having.

Speaker 3: 32:24

So at this point yeah, at this point, so dismissive, so like we had been recording them on our own app and at this point I had had over 120 contractions and again they last a minute long. So this is like two straight hours of contractions and they're like we are not seeing that on our monitor and we cannot rely on your app. So we like don't think you're having the contractions that you're having. We need to place an internal contraction monitor, and I was again. I'm in so much pain that I can barely communicate, so I'm just like nodding, like giving them, like the go ahead to place it before I get the epidural. I did not know what this entailed, but placing that internal contraction monitor is like placing an IUD. So while having these contractions, they're telling me to like lay perfectly still through contractions that are excruciating. They're telling me to like lay perfectly still through contractions that are excruciating. They're basically giving me a similar procedure to having an IUD placed.

Speaker 1: 33:24

Wait, why didn't they just give you so, like you were saying, you had the wireless monitor on? Couldn't they have just put like a different monitor on you to try to see if that would pick up your contractions? Like I'm so confused by that, yeah, I am also very confused by that.

Speaker 3: 33:41

So cause I did bring it to their attention multiple times and, yeah, no action was taken there, so they placed this internal monitor it is. I cannot describe the excruciating pain of having that placed while I'm having contractions.

Speaker 1: 33:56

While you're in labor, of having that placed while I'm having contractions, while you're in labor, and no epidural. No epidural 21 hours.

Speaker 3: 34:01

I don't even have like a Motrin in my system. Almost immediately they're like wow, you're having a lot of very intense contractions and I was like, yeah, well, figure, like I'm bawling, I'm like, obviously's. Like 15 minutes later the anesthesiologist shows up, he gives me an epidural, which I told him. I was like I could kiss you on the mouth after he placed the epidural, because it was just blissful. But of course, once you get an epidural placed, you are bedridden, your lower body is completely numb. So I'm now in the bed and I am just feeling so defeated because this just is not going the way that I planned. We're like 24 hours into this labor. I haven't progressed. I wanted that intervention-free birth and that's no longer a possibility. And I'm so tired and so I'm just like crying and my husband is, you know, comforting me, just being like you did so amazing, you fought so hard, and like you're doing what's best for you in this moment and that's all that matters, like sweet angel of a man. Anyway, then it's 8 PM, so, unconsciously, or I didn't realize that there was going to be another shift change, or I didn't realize that there was going to be another shift change, and in walks Dr Smith, the first OB and the first thing she says is oh well, I see, we started Pitocin and you got the epidural. And I just was like already so defeated that like I'm crying during this exchange, just like, yeah, my birth plan is not going according to plan. And she was like well, I'm also seeing on the monitor that your baby's heart rate is now irregular. He's having a bad reaction to the Pitocin and so we actually need to stop the Pitocin because his health is now in jeopardy. So we'll give you a little bit of time, we'll move you into some different positions, see if that heart rate becomes more regular. But if not, we're going to have to explore other options. And so I'm like okay. So she's like try to get some rest, because I haven't slept more than three hours in the last 24 hours of being in active labor and it's very hard to rest when a nurse is coming in every 15 minutes to move you into a different position. So I'm getting essentially like no sleep for hours. They just keep coming in, being like baby's heart rate is still irregular. He doesn't like that position here's, let's move you into another one. Oh, he doesn't like that one, let's move you into another one.

Speaker 3: 36:30

I finally get to fall asleep at like 3 am. I'm so exhausted and just so discouraged. And then I wake up at 6.45 in the morning to Dr Smith standing over me saying you need an emergency C-section. And so I'm like exhausted and disoriented. And so I'm like barely waking up and I was like what, what are you talking about? Meanwhile, the team is already unplugging things. They're putting my like hair in the hair net. And she's like yep, you need an emergency C-section. Your son's life is at risk. His heart rate is crashing.

Speaker 3: 37:03

And then she immediately launches into all of the complications that might be a result of the C-section and hands me a consent form. Mind you, no one has even woken up my husband yet. I have to ask them will someone please wake up Ben so he can be part of this conversation? And so I start like tearing up because I'm just like how did this go so wrong? How, like, how is this? Like, how's my perfectly healthy baby now His life is at risk? And I'm like okay, like I'm signing the consent form. And I'm like when are we going? And she goes right now. And they'm like okay, like I'm signing the consent form, and I'm like when are we going and she goes right now and they start like wheeling me out of the room and they're like, okay, give like your wife a kiss goodbye, and so like he didn't go with you. They're like we'll meet you in the OR, so like he'll be there, but we need to get you prepped immediately.

Speaker 3: 37:53

So I'm getting wheeled off, I'm crying and I'm just so disoriented and shocked and exhausted. And then I'm like in this OR and they're like hooking me up to things and getting everything ready and, mind you, I had known that like I just needed to make it till 7am and there would be another shift change and she wouldn't be my OB anymore. And she woke me up at 645. So I just felt no-transcript, I could have had anyone and I have this Dr Smith that has made me feel so belittled and disrespected and small. And finally they bring Ben in and they start the procedure and I don't want to scare anybody, but I felt so much more than I thought I would and it's described as pressure, but I've been describing it to people as you're getting pushed to the point of like it's as uncomfortable as it can possibly be before it's pain and it was just was horrible and I'm telling them.

Speaker 2: 38:53

They can't give you more right, because I had the same thing they're like if we give you more, he'll have to be resuscitated. Like that's what they told me and I was like okay, I'll deal with it.

Speaker 1: 39:08

Is this specific to an emergency C-section? So I had a C-section with my second planned C-section because I was a very high risk. Like we knew I needed it. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel anything except for I hated it. Like I also I hated having a C-section. I labored for a long time to Valerie and I tell people all the time like I would take that and the pain over a C-section any day. Like I truly hated it. I didn't feel anything. I was just like rocking, like my whole body was moving. I'm like you guys are just like thrashing me all over the place and there I go, we're just trying to get her out and like I'm like, okay, and that freaked me out. Like my body like moving, but me having no control. But is the reason you guys felt something because it's emergent and like because they gave me a spinal? Is that what they do? Like what is it? Is it the same? I don't know.

Speaker 2: 39:56

It's the same. Yeah, it's the. And I have a friend whose wife also had an emergency and the epidural failed and they still had to do a C-section. So she was like actually in pain, like screaming, so I don't know, maybe there is something with an emergency. I don't know if, like, your adrenaline gets pumping higher or something Cause you've been in labor and all of these things, because, paige, you didn't labor with your planned one right?

Speaker 1: 40:17

No, no, no, no yeah.

Speaker 2: 40:18

So I don't know if there's something, cause I've heard I have another mom friend and she also she had a C-section. She was like there was no pain, it was fine, it was no problem. But everyone I've talked to with an emergency one has said the same thing you can feel it Like it was. I was like I don't think I'm supposed to be feeling this, like why am I feeling this?

Speaker 1: 40:36

So it's not pain, but it it's like very uncomfortable like very uncomfortable.

Speaker 2: 40:45

Yeah, I don't know, mine felt. I remember being very uncomfortable and it being a little painful, um, but they couldn't give me more because they said, if we do, we'll have to resuscitate your child. And I was like, well, fuck that Um, cause it would, it'd be too much. So it would then put him into like, yeah, danger.

Speaker 1: 41:01

It's also just crazy. My sister just had a pretty traumatic birth experience and she was she had to go to the ICU. Like they were rushing her to the ICU and they're they again were shoving the paper in her face to sign. And she's like I don't even know what you're saying. I literally have no idea what you're saying. I can't sign that paper. And they were like, oh, you need to. And she's like I can't find my husband, I cannot, I cannot sign that paper, I'm not going to sign that paper. I don't even know what you're saying to me.

Speaker 1: 41:25

And it's crazy that this is how we're approached. Right, like I know it's emergent and like legally they need to do this to protect themselves. But it's so scary and like to your point, valerie, like you're exhausted, you don't know what's going on and like I'm sure many women are like, okay, I'll sign whatever. Like help my baby. Like I don't I'll do whatever, but like there has to be. Like can we not like go over this list of things before and then at least I know and I say okay, in the event of an emergency, I'll sign that paper?

Speaker 2: 42:03

Like don't read it to me while I'm in an emergency, right, like I don't know. That seems crazy, right. I don't think I had this experience I don't think what you guys are saying with the paper, cause I had signed paperwork earlier and we had talked about it earlier. Like I went into the office to talk about, like if I had to have an emergency one, cause I wanted my tubes out, if I did, cause I was like just get rid of it. So I don't remember I'll have to ask my husband, but I don't remember having like them listing off any complications, cause I was asking them I'm going to, I was like I'm going to bleed out. Fyi, I know this, but I don't remember them reading any of these things. So I wonder if it's hospital dependent or, um, yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1: 42:36

Like, whatever their procedure is like, based on how they do it, I don't know. But if, if you are a birthing person who is expecting a child, maybe have this conversation with your OB before and ask them what you can do. Or if you the problem is to Valerie's point too like you don't get control over your OB, unfortunately, right. Like you have your OB but then when you give birth it's just whoever's on call. And I had a very similar experience to you where this guy was on call my first day and he was just such a jerk. Like I asked him, I said and what? And I was being induced and we all know inductions end in C-sections a lot of times. And I said to him like why would I need one? What would have to happen in order for me to have to have a C-section? Because I didn't want a C-section? I was like what? What would? What would bring us to that point? And he literally looked me in the eyes. He goes, oh, you don't need a C-section if you give up. I was like, if I give up? I was like whoa. And so I was like furious. I was like, oh, my gosh, that man.

Speaker 1: 43:36

And so then the next one, he came in and I asked him the same question.

Speaker 1: 43:39

He's like, okay, well, these are all the reasons why we might consider a C-section If you're struggling with the baby, struggling with this, if that and he like amazing, amazing guy, like walked me through every single thing and I'm like this is the thing that people don't tell you about giving birth is your birth is so hyper dependent on your caregiver and who's providing your care that day. Who is your doctor? Who are your nurses? Cause there's mean nurses too, unfortunately, right, like this, it happened and it is so unfortunate that you had to have your birth plan dismissed but then also just have to experience birth with this OB who didn't make you feel validated, and I know we haven't even finished, but like I just I feel for you and I'm sorry that happened and I know it's happened to so many women. And that's why stories like this are important, because unfortunately, this is the reality of what giving birth in our country and just in general, probably looks like for so many of us. Yeah, and you can't fire an.

Speaker 2: 44:37

OB. You can fire a nurse though. So, if anyone listening, something I learned before is you can fire a nurse. I had one nurse who was not great and OB you can't. They're the ones on call, so you can't get rid of them, right? So, um, I know people who chose different hospitals because of it, because like reputations. But if you don't know anyone in the area who's had a kid, like I didn't, you don't know what to look for or choose. But you can.

Speaker 1: 44:57

You can fire your nurse yes, tell us so, so you're feeling it.

Speaker 3: 45:08

Yes. So I'm feeling just way more than I was expecting to. And I'm turning to my husband and I'm telling him I'm like I'm going to have a panic attack, like I can feel myself starting panic attack. And he turns to anesthesiologist and he's like, can you give her something? And he turns to the anesthesiologist and he's like, can you give her something? And so I'm like, yes, please give me something. And so he increases.

Speaker 3: 45:28

You know, whatever the medication is that is helping reduce feeling and also calming me down, yeah, and then I feel this terrible suction release and they're like your baby's born, you know. And I was just like, oh, it's visceral and you don't, there's no words to describe it until you're in it and I'm trying to be excited about the fact that they're holding this baby up, but I'm just in so much shock and I'm panicking. And then they take the baby away to, you know, get cleaned up. And so Ben leaves my side because he's going to go see our baby and cut the cord, like, of course. And he really was my lifeline during this whole process. And so as soon as he was like gone from my side, I start to just spiral downward and I go into a full-fledged panic attack and to the point where I'm having difficulty communicating with my anesthesiologist to tell him what's happening.

Speaker 3: 46:27

And I think it was a combination of the panic and the drugs that I was on. I start blacking out and like slipping in and out of consciousness and you know, now I just know what was. I'm like oh, it was the drugs, it was the panic, but in the moment I thought I was dying. And so every time I came to I thought I was like oh, it's the drugs, it was the panic, but in the moment I thought I was dying. And so every time I came to I thought I was like this is my last moment, like I brought my son into the world and now I'm leaving it. And so every conscious moment was me making coming to terms with the fact that I was dying and that I had never seen my son grow up and that my body had failed me and that my husband would remarry. And meanwhile I am vaguely aware of the fact that the OB is talking about scones over my open body and how she loves these scones from this local business and she might get one after her shift, and I am making my amends with the universe while she is just treating me and my body like a piece of meat, like I'm not even there. And you know, eventually like my panic kind of subsides because I think the anesthesiologist gave me something and they finish up and that was my birth. I never was visited by that OB again, never got a follow-up with her. She was too busy getting scones, yeah.

Speaker 3: 47:54

And anybody who's had a C-section knows that a C-section recovery is brutal and because nobody took the time to tell me what to anticipate, every little thing came as such a profound shock and you know I could go into the difficult recovery.

Speaker 3: 48:11

But that's a whole different you know podcast episode.

Speaker 3: 48:14

But I ended up having, you know, my six-week follow-up appointment with my OB and I know I actually had a panic attack on the way to the office just knowing I was going to be in a medical office again and she was able to help me get a PTSD diagnosis because I was having flashbacks.

Speaker 3: 48:33

I couldn't drive past the hospital, I couldn't take a shower because if I was alone with my thoughts I was right back in the birth and it was replaying hour, because if I was alone with my thoughts I was right back in the birth and it was replaying and every night before I tried to fall asleep, I couldn't sleep, even though I was a parent of a newborn, because I was having these vivid dreams about the birth and it was completely debilitating. And I think one of the hardest parts was that I had looked forward to this as being the best day of my life and it became the worst, which feels heartbreaking to say, as a mother, that the birth of your first child is the worst day of your life, but it's the reality and I love him so much. But that day is just pain and heartbreak for me.

Speaker 1: 49:19

And that I imagine that comes with or at least for me it did a little bit with a little bit of guilt. I don't know how you feel, valerie, but like and I want to make people feel feel a little bit better about this, which is that like you're probably not alone if you've had this experience right, I had almost the exact same reaction to you during my C-section, where I begged the anesthesiologist to knock me out. I was like can you put me under? Like could you do something? Because I could hear the doctors talking and I'm like, and they're just chatting and I'm over here by myself. My husband had gone with the baby and I was starting to have a panic attack. I was like I can't knock me out please. And he's like I can make you sleepy and I was like make me sleepy and like I don't. I feel like people don't talk about this enough.

Speaker 1: 50:01

The anesthesiologists are the unsung heroes of labor and delivery. Like seriously, they're always so at least my experience has been. They have been so sweet. They like during my C-section they were talking to me. They're like you're doing so great, your baby's coming. They weren't like making me feel so much better and I didn't feel that from necessarily the doctors, but adults.

Speaker 1: 50:28

I know it's so hard, but like I remember they were holding my baby up to the plastic and I they're like, look at your baby. I'm like how I don't even know how to look at this baby right now I'm like panicking, I think I'm going to die. And I said to my husband, I said can you just leave the room with her? I like I asked them, I was like you guys have to go because I'm I don't want this to be how I'm supposed to be, like meeting her, I don't want to meet her like this Right, like it just didn't feel good.

Speaker 1: 50:47

And so I think your story it's hard but it's not um, I don't. I don't think you're alone in that, which is so sad, right, which is so sad, which is like we all look forward to that day, like we're counting down the minutes to meet our children, and then for many of us it just doesn't go the way we planned and I'm so sorry that happened and I'm I'm glad your baby has been sleeping for you, cause it's like he knows, you know he's like mom needs a break, but I always joke that the universe was like whoa sorry about that birth girl.

Speaker 3: 51:22

Here's an easy baby.

Speaker 3: 51:24

That was a mess and you know, coming out of it I had only heard these positive birth stories and that was somewhat intentionally. I was like no positive thinking is going to have me get a positive birth. So I only listened to positive birth stories and then I felt so alone and so isolated when people were like, oh, wasn't it amazing, wasn't it empowering? And I'm like, no, it was traumatizing. So I've been able to. You know, I shared my story on TikTok well, a little bit of it, and I found so much solidarity in literally countless other women's experiences of their own traumatic birth which for a split second I was like, oh, comfort. And then it was heartbreak again, because why are so many women having these experiences and why are they so afraid of sharing them? Because they don't want to scare future parents or they feel shamed for not just feeling unadulterated joy and bliss upon the birth of their child? And this is such a common experience, why aren't we talking more about it?

Speaker 2: 52:30

Yeah, there's so much shame at least for me. There was a lot of shame, valerie I don't know if there was for you at all but the guilt, the shame. I was kind of embarrassed. I was like why, you know? And then, like you kind of feel like you missed out on a lot. We're a one and done family. So I was like I'm not going to have that experience and I will tell you, at least in my experience with therapy and time it does get better. I know you are so freshly postpartum.

Speaker 2: 52:52

I had a lot of the things that you were talking about too. It caused a lot of anxiety once he was born too, because it's like I got to make him safe. Everything has to be safe Cause, like you know, I just went through hell, and you know, to get him here. So I just want you to know that it does get better. I'm a huge fan of EMDR for PTSD. I don't know if you've tried it or if you have access to it, but yeah, therapy and time for for me and a lot of women I know with traumatic birth it helps.

Speaker 1: 53:24

Yeah, and I think sharing these stories empowers the women who have gone through it and it also equips them with information. Right, valerie, what you said about advocating for yourself. You know, I didn't know I could advocate for certain things in my birth. I didn't know that I could say no to a doctor or that I could say no to a suggestion that they gave to me. And so you sharing that although it's not this positive, flowery, empowering experience for you, it still has value.

Speaker 1: 53:50

You know these stories still are important and if we didn't have them, then we'll never know and we'll never be able to achieve these what we hope to. Right, like we're constantly going to be living in these, like little bubbles of our own experience and not knowing that they can be different, and so it is so valuable. But you know we do talk about a lot of things like this on this podcast, but we try to also leave people with. You know well, things that are joyful as well. Right, like you've been a new mom for four months now. You know what is something that has maybe been unexpectedly joyful for you, something that's caught you by surprise about parenting that maybe you weren't expecting, because there is light on the other side, even if it's hard to find.

Speaker 3: 54:30

Yes, so I really do feel like you know, I kind of mentioned birth of my son. It was the worst day of my life, but that's not to say that every day since then that I've gotten to spend with him hasn't been a new best day of my life. You know, waking up in the morning and peeking over the side of his bassinet. And he's now at that age where he recognizes me and he smiles that big, toothless smile, the way and he looks at you the way that only a child would look at its parent, and it heals a little bit of me every single day. And it heals a little bit of me every single day.

Speaker 3: 55:07

And you know, something like a very bright light coming out of this very dark situation is just knowing how strong I am. Because if you had told me beforehand this is what you're gonna go through and you are still going to rise to the occasion every day to be the best mom you can be to your son and you are gonna find joy in that, I would be like no, count me out, like I just don't think it's possible, and I just have so much more admiration for like myself and for like mothers in general. We give so much physically, emotionally, mentally to our children and I am just in so much awe of what we can do and that gets me through a lot of the more difficult moments.

Speaker 2: 55:50

I like to ask this question too what is a piece of advice If you had a friend? Your best friend is getting ready to give birth or get pregnant. What's a piece of advice you'd like to pass along to her?

Speaker 3: 56:00

Absolutely.

Speaker 3: 56:01

It would be prepare for every possible birth.

Speaker 3: 56:04

Now I know that we hear that, I heard it, but there was a part of me that was like well, my OB is telling me that I'm so healthy, my pregnancy has been perfect, these things will not happen to me. And that was coming from a place of hope, but also naivete, because I had that perfect, healthy pregnancy and I did not prepare for the possibility of a C-section and I think if I had just some knowledge of what was going to happen, what my recovery was going to look like, it would have helped me so much. I think that I still would have had a traumatic experience, but it would have been minimized. So, regardless of if you have a birth plan, if you don't have a birth plan, if you really have your heart set on birthing one specific way, just take a little bit of time, you and your partner, and prepare for the different kinds of birth, whether that's vaginal, whether that's C-section, whether that's an induction, just so that you know and you can go into that situation with the knowledge and have a little bit of comfort there.

Speaker 1: 57:08

That's amazing. Yeah, thank you so much for your time and for sharing your story. It's so important and we are so glad that we were able to learn from you today.

Speaker 3: 57:18

Of course, you guys. Thank you so much for giving a platform for me to amplify this story, for other women to find some comfort and for just all the topics that you guys are tackling. It's so important.

Speaker 1: 57:28

Good luck with the sleep.

Speaker 2: 57:31

It gets better.

Speaker 1: 57:35

Thank you for tuning in to Do you Want the Truth? We hope today's episode gave you a fresh perspective on the real and unfiltered side of parenthood. If you enjoyed our conversation, please rate our show and leave a comment. It helps us reach more parents who need to hear these stories. And remember, we'd love to hear from you If you have your own parenting story to share or a suggestion for a future guest. Reach out to us directly and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Until next time, keep embracing the truth and know you're never alone on this journey.