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Do you want the truth?
Welcome to Do You Want The Truth? where we dive deep into the real raw stories from parents in the trenches of parenthood.
Season 2 is brought to you by Sam Strom and Freelance Journalist Zara Hanawalt, along with guest co-hosts such as Jaime Fisher.
Season 1 is brought to you by Paige Connell & Sam Strom. They bring you candid conversations with parents who share their experiences of parenthood and what they wish they knew before having kids. You'll hear the real stories. The stories that are typically reserved for best friends. The stories with TMI. We believe in the power of truth telling because when someone asks, do you want the truth? We always say yes. Join us as we explore the highs and lows and everything in between so you can feel less alone on your journey.
Connect with Sam: https://www.linkedin.com/samanthastrom https://www.tiktok.com/@samanthastorms
Do you want the truth?
The Truth About: Pop Culture, Postpartum Depression and Doing the Most with @iam_kjmiller
"Pick a niche." "Stay in your lane." For women entrepreneurs, this limiting advice seems inescapable—unless you're KJ Miller, who's built an impressive career by doing precisely the opposite.
KJ joins us for a fascinating conversation about her refusal to be confined to a single identity. As co-founder of multimillion-dollar beauty brand Mented Cosmetics, lecturer, angel investor, content creator with hundreds of thousands of followers, and mother to a four-year-old daughter, KJ embodies what it means to embrace multiple passions simultaneously.
What happens when the dream career, the big funding round, and the perfect Instagram life still don’t feel right?
KJ Miller—Harvard MBA grad, Yale lecturer, co-founder of Mented Cosmetics, and certified member of both the Beyhive and Swiftie nation—joins us for a conversation that’s equal parts honest, inspiring, and overdue.
After building Mented into a multimillion-dollar brand and leading it through a successful exit, KJ hit a wall. Burnout, postpartum anxiety, and the crushing pressure to “do it all” forced her to pause—and ask what she really wanted next.
In this episode, KJ shares:
What it’s really like to raise millions in venture funding as a Black woman
How she navigated burnout while running a high-growth brand
Why leaving the company she built was the most radical act of self-preservation
Her transition into a slower, more sustainable life as a Yale lecturer, content creator, and mom
And yes—we talk about Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, and the soundtracks that got her through it all
This isn’t a girlboss story. It’s a story about ambition, honesty, motherhood, and the courage it takes to choose yourself—even after “making it.”
ABOUT KJKJ lives in New Jersey with her husband of 10 years and their two daughters, ages 3 and 1.
Resources & Links:
Follow KJ on TikTok and Instagram
Mented Cosmetics
Postpartum Support International
"I am addicted to doing the most," she laughs, explaining how she thrives with a full plate rather than a narrow focus. This perspective has served her well, from Harvard to Yale to her current teaching position at Ohio State, from building a beauty brand that's now available in CVS stores to creating viral content about everything from Taylor Swift to reality TV.
The conversation takes a vulnerable turn when KJ shares her difficult pregnancy and traumatic birth experience, including an emergency C-section where she wasn't given enough anesthesia. Her candid discussion about postpartum depression, medication, and her experiences with GLP-1s offers a refreshing counterpoint to the sanitized narratives often presented about motherhood and body image.
Perhaps most striking is KJ's reflection on raising a Black daugh
Website: https://www.doyouwantthetruthpod.com
Connect with Sam:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/samanthastrom
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@samanthastorms
Connect with Zara:
Zara Hanawalt https://www.linkedin.com/in/zara-hanawalt/
TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@zarahanawalt
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/zarahanawalt/
Welcome to Do you Want the Truth? A podcast dedicated to honest conversations about women's health, fertility, parenting and more. Hi, I'm Zahra Hanawalt, and I'm Samantha Strom.
Speaker 2:We're two millennial women who also happen to be moms. Every week, we chat with guests and experts about their real life stories to help you feel less alone.
Speaker 1:Because when someone asks, do you want the truth, we always say yes.
Speaker 2:If you're a woman in business, chances are you've heard advice along the lines of pick a niche or stay in your lane. Luckily, kj Miller decided not to take that advice. Kj is the co-founder of Mented, a multimillion dollar cosmetics brand. She's also a lecturer, an angel investor, a content creator and a mother. How does she do it all? We're still not really clear on that, but we did talk to her about it in this episode. We also talked about some of her pop culture favorites, like Taylor Swift and Summer House, how she balances all her responsibilities alongside her biggest responsibility of all, as a mother, and so much more.
Speaker 1:KJ Miller. Welcome to the pod. Thank you for being here today, absolutely Thank you for having me and, for those of you who aren't following on KJ on TikTok or Instagram, which I highly recommend, or her podcast, can you tell us a little bit about who you are?
Speaker 3:Absolutely so. I am KJ Miller. I am a founder, lecturer and content creator. I founded a cosmetics brand called Minted back in 2017, which I'm still running today. I am a lecturer in business school. I'm also a business school grad. I teach about entrepreneurship and strategy and I create content. I'm on TikTok at I am underscore KJ Miller, talking about everything from pop culture to politics to reality TV and kind of everything in between. I'm on Instagram KJ Miller. Same deal, youtube. I do have a podcast called Two Queens, two Crowns. So I like to say I am addicted to doing the most because I do the most.
Speaker 1:How do you do all that? Yeah, and you're a mom too, on top of all of that.
Speaker 3:That's true. I am a mom. I have a four-year-old daughter named Kayla. She's the smartest, most wonderful, most hilarious person I know. And yeah, to answer your question, how do I do it all? Sometimes I don't know, but I have found that I am better when I have a lot on my plate than I am when I have very little on my plate. So I just I go with it, Cannot relate.
Speaker 1:You just got to stay in that stress zone, right, exactly. So I have an important question. I want to hear your thoughts on Summer House this season, because I was a little disappointed.
Speaker 3:Yeah, summer House. Oh, I had such high hopes. I mean mean, I will say I didn't find the whole season to be disappointing. There were definitely parts I enjoyed, and my favorite people on the show are sierra uh and page I also. I also really kind of like kyle, even though I know like he's a bit I. I find him to be endearing and so I enjoyed watching all of them. I enjoyed watching Lindsay's transformation. I feel like motherhood looks really good on her. I don't know if I was expecting that. I don't think I was, so I enjoyed watching her. So there were definitely some bright spots. But for me, how much of the season centered on Lexi and Jesse was disappointing because, I don't know, I find both of them to be deeply insidious.
Speaker 3:Jesse's the worst um, jesse is the worst, lexi's not much better, I don't know, so that that was disappointing, but otherwise I enjoyed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I also like Kyle and Lindsay.
Speaker 2:Kyle is either the worst or the best to me, like he has his yeah.
Speaker 3:He doesn't really have middle ground.
Speaker 2:I mean every time he cries when Sierra talks, I'm like, oh, my baby Kyle, my Shayla.
Speaker 1:I know, but I know, yeah, yeah exactly, and so you have also talked a lot about. I mean I feel like you know so much about so much. I mean you talk about GLP-1s. I am getting back on my GLP-1 pretty soon because, it has been life-changing for my mental health and, I'm curious, your daughter's four. So GLP-1s weren't available. Have you seen a difference in your ability to do it all since you've been on those?
Speaker 3:Let's see. I mean, really the thing I think it's affected the most is just my comfort level with myself, you know. So I started the medication about a year ago, actually a little over a year. I think I can reach my one year anniversary and I've lost about 60 pounds. And my goal in starting the medication really was to just get back to my pre-child weight, which has never been skinny, I've always sort of been between a size 10 and a size 12, and I was very happy there. Not that I didn't have any body issues Obviously I'm a woman in America but I was pretty happy there.
Speaker 3:Then, post-child I, you know, gained a fair amount of weight and just really struggled simply to get back to where I was. So that's why I wanted to be on the medication. And now that I've gotten back to kind of the weight I'm comfortable with and used to, I think again it just is kind of a comfort thing, like, oh, this is, this is what I'm, this is what I'm accustomed to when I do yoga now it feels the way I'm used to it feeling when I'm sitting down and standing up and putting on clothes. All of those things feel more familiar to me now because I'm back in the body that I spent the majority of my adulthood in, and that means something to me.
Speaker 3:But I am always careful to say, when I'm talking about the weight that I've lost and the decision to go on the medication, like I don't think weight and health are nearly as linked as the world tries to convince us that it is. And, by the way, if they were nearly as linked as people pretend, then insurance companies would cover GLP-1 medications and most of them don't for most people. So it's because they know weight is mostly about aesthetics, not that not linked, but they're just not nearly as linked. Anyway, for me this was an aesthetic choice and a comfort choice, not like, oh, I'm so unhealthy because I weigh XYZ. I wasn't unhealthy, my blood pressure was fine, my blood sugar was fine, my cholesterol was fine, but I wanted to be back in a body that was comfortable to me. So that's the decision I made and I'm very happy with it. But, yeah, I don't like to pretend that it's like so tied to health for me, because it wasn't.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, it wasn't tied to health for me either. It was very much trying to get back to the baby weight, but I had some mental health impacts from it, like good ones, some positive ones, I guess. Like it helps regulate and like organize your dopamine receptors, like in how you receive dopamine and I'm again not a doctor, so if you're listening.
Speaker 1:We'll probably put some disclaimer in here, but I find it so interesting when people talk about it, because it is one of those like so many things you know for women it is. We don't talk about all of these things, and I think it's so important for people to know that these are options.
Speaker 3:Absolutely. I completely agree. I love hearing that it had a positive mental health effect for you, because I hadn't heard anyone share that. So I'm happy to hear that. And yeah, I just find the way these medications are spoken about a lot of the time is really disappointing. There's this expectation that if you do want to lose weight, you need to go about it a certain way or else you're not doing it the right way, and I just completely reject that. Like, if you can do something in a way that is easier or smarter or more efficient, then you in some ways, it is dumber not to do it. Now, let's take into account that these medications are very expensive and not everyone has access to them. But if you've got access to something that is going to make your journey easier or more efficient or, in your case, even, like, have a mental health side effect benefit, I think it would be silly not to take that path.
Speaker 2:Frankly, I'm curious how both of you feel about some of this speculation that we have around certain celebrities, where I don't know if you'll scroll Instagram and you'll see comments on someone's post. Do you think people have a responsibility to be open about these things or do you think that the general public really has no business speculating, or do you think it's some of both?
Speaker 3:Or do you think it's some of both? I don't think anyone owes anyone else information about their health or their body. So I'll start there. I don't think anyone owes that to someone. I don't think anyone's entitled to that information.
Speaker 3:Where I take issue with certain celebrities or certain people is using a medication to assist, or maybe it's not a medication. Maybe you're just straight up getting plastic surgery or whatever, using something to assist in that journey, but pretending like you did it all via diet and exercise. That's where I have an issue. Right, If you say nothing about anything, that's your right. But if you get online and say like I've lost 60 pounds because I hit the gym every day and I drink nothing but smoothies and ate you know 50 grams of protein or something insane, Well, now you're being, you know, deceptive, and that is where I think things get dangerous, because you're putting out something into the world that isn't real and then making other people feel pressure about like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to do.
Speaker 3:So that's where for me, it becomes a problem. But do I think, like you, have to be open about the fact that you are taking a weight loss medication? No, I don't. I've chosen to be very open about it because it's been so helpful and I think if that can help someone else like I'm interested in that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and there's a lot of mystery around it, right? I mean, I think that, first of all, people only mention Ozempic most of the time, but I don't think a lot of people understand how it works or how it makes you feel or who can really benefit from it truly.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so, which is why I have tried to be open. I actually I tried Ozempic two years ago and found it didn't work as well for me as so the drug I'm on now. It's a compounded form of terzepatide which is the active ingredient in Zetbound, so I have found that to be more effective than Ozempic. But to your point, yeah, most people they just they hear Ozempic, that's what they think of, that's what they know. But for me, the active ingredient in Ozempic which is semaglutide, was not as effective.
Speaker 1:My people were saying that I should try ZepBound so I might move over and try the compounded version. I have noticed a difference because initially when this medication came out, Kaiser actually covered it. There was like a loophole, so I was getting it through um. I don't know, he'll probably be on a Hulu doc one day, but um, I was. I was getting it from this guy in Southern California and there was a loophole and I did notice a difference between the actual Ozempic pen, the effectiveness and the compounded shot.
Speaker 1:Um I don't know why it might just be a mental thing, but yeah, I did notice a difference. So my people now are like maybe we'll move you to ZipBound. So that's good to hear, cause it worked for some people in my life too. Zipbound did. Um, how has you know, becoming a mother and you run a beauty brand, right, and so has that impacted how you do marketing or how you think about new products or anything like that.
Speaker 3:I mean, becoming a mom has definitely impacted my life as a person and as a businesswoman, but I don't know if I would say it's changed how I think about, you know, marketing or product development or operations or you know, kind of all the pieces of running a business. I don't know that it's changed how I approach those things. What it has changed is, you know, I just I have less time, and I'm very strict about my time. Now, I've always been pretty strict about my time. I've never been one of these corporate girlies who feels like I can just work all day and work all night and you have unlimited access to me. I've never been that girl, thankfully, because I just don't believe in that.
Speaker 3:But since having a child, I've become even stricter. Right, like, I'm off at five, and the reason I'm off at five is because I'm leaving to pick up my daughter and then I'm with my daughter and I'm not answering emails and I'm not hopping on phone calls, like I'm not doing any of that because I'm spending time with my child. So I think drawing boundaries and keeping boundaries is something that I've gotten even better about and stricter about as a result of having a child. The other thing, though, is. I've actually started taking on much more since having a child, like I have launched a podcast, I have become, you know, a content creator and pretty serious about my content creation across a couple of different platforms.
Speaker 3:I started teaching after having a child and so something about having a child almost, I feel like, unlocked this idea that there's so much that I want to do and so much that I'd love for my daughter to see me doing and pursuing so many ways that I want to showcase for her that you don't have to just be one thing. Life gets to be this sort of multiverse of opportunities. So, somewhat counterintuitively, I have found that post-motherhood, I've said yes to more things and taken on more things which I don't know if that's what I typically see happening out in the world, but that's what's happened for me.
Speaker 1:Certainly didn't happen with me. I don't know about you, sir.
Speaker 2:Well, I think motherhood has made me so much more efficient, and it sounds like maybe that was the case for you as well, and I also think that it can be. Sometimes, I think you have to look back and look at all the things you've accomplished since becoming a mother to really get a sense of that, I think day to day, sometimes, just because you are trying to keep your head above water day to day right.
Speaker 2:You don't really see all the things that you're doing and all the things you're accomplishing and all the ways that you are better and smarter and sharper than you were in your pre-child life. But I think when you really take the time to take a look back and reflect, it's like, oh wow, who am? I now yeah, I completely agree, I'm a supercharged version of who I used to be.
Speaker 3:Completely agree. And when you consider not just all of the things that you're doing in your daily life, but then the fact that you've also managed to keep an entire human being alive, and not just alive, it's not like she's just surviving. She's thriving.
Speaker 3:She's so smart, she, she truly is so hilarious when she learns new words, like today. She said this isn't going to sound like a big word to you, but I just hadn't really heard her use it today she said continue in a sentence she was in. She woke up and she was like I think we should continue to. And then, you know, fill in the blank. And I was like who taught you continue to use it in a sentence correctly, right, like and Like. And this happens to me all the time where she, just she loves, whenever she learns a new word, she's like I'm going to use it. That's amazing, you know. And so it's like yeah, I'm doing all these things in life and this business and X, y, z, but also my child is thriving and like, largely due to me and her father, and that's that is exciting. So, um, yeah, it is nice sometimes to just like, take a step back and appreciate that, because it's so easy to just keep running on the hamster wheel and and, yeah, not reflect.
Speaker 1:That is one of my favorite things when I, when my son comes back. He's also four, and so when he comes back with a word, I'll look at my husband and be like did you teach him that? Like, where'd he learn this? Like what is this?
Speaker 1:And then you're like, oh, he has a full life. I don't know if you're if Kayla's in school, but she's in daycare, yeah. Yeah, and so for me I'm like he has this whole life and all these rich relationships with people outside of our home. And it's one of those things where I'm like, oh yeah, there are other people helping us with him, including his peers, right.
Speaker 3:Totally, totally.
Speaker 1:And I am curious about I love talking about like pregnancy and birth and postpartum I mean now is a lot to talk about.
Speaker 3:But how was your pregnancy? Terrible? Oh, the worst. I hated pregnancy. My birth experience was also the worst, you know, and I'm not having any more kids and I knew that I would say. By like the second week of my pregnancy I was like, oh, I'm doing this again. It just for me.
Speaker 3:I did not feel like myself for the vast majority of pregnancy and that was the worst part. I felt like who am I? Almost, and it's like it's hard to explain also now because I'm, you know, several years removed from it. But I just remember all the time.
Speaker 3:And first of all, I was sick a lot. I was nauseous pretty much the whole time. I think I was nauseous for 20 weeks and like throwing up, and then, when that finally ended, I had really bad heartburn. So there was just like the actual physical piece where it was like what is this? This is not what I'm used to. I've never had heartburn a day in my life before pregnancy. Suddenly, it's just like intense and all the time. So there was the physical piece. Then there's the fact that your body is changing and you're gaining all this weight and now, like, taking steps is difficult. Going going upstairs is difficult, like all of that. But then there was just like a mental piece that I don't think I was prepared for, where it just felt like my body isn't my own and my time kind of isn't my own and everything just feels different, and it really took a toll on me mentally. I would just like cry all the time, and then, of course, you've got hormones happening. Oh yeah, I just cry.
Speaker 3:I remember I had a baby shower Also. I had my kid in COVID. I got pregnant July 2020. So there was a lot of isolation, right. My baby shower was virtual. My parents weren't there, my sisters weren't there, it was all in a screen. My husband couldn't come with me to my doctor's appointment, so every single thing about it was terrible, frankly, except for the fact that I got my daughter at the end of it. So I deeply hated pregnancy. My birth process was also quite terrible. I just really can't overstate how much I hated the whole thing and why I was certain I would never do it again.
Speaker 1:Can I ask about your birth experience? You said it was awful, mine was also awful and. I don't feel like enough people talk about it, and I know Zara's was not great either, and so if it's not too personal, tell us about the worst day.
Speaker 3:I can talk about it now. It took me a while before I could, because when I would talk about it I would just get really emotional and kind of anxious. But effectively the reason it was so bad is because I had to have an emergency C-section after being in labor, for I don't know, I think it was like 36 hours, right, and then it was like now we've got to have the C-section and the C-section I was not given enough anesthesia, so I felt it. So I was like in extreme, excruciating pain throughout the whole thing and then I was screaming so much and was in so much pain that eventually, like they turned it up to the point where I passed out. So it's like they took the baby out. I passed out. So it's like they took the baby out. I passed out, woke up, you know, obviously like confused, and then after that still had really, really extreme pain and had to fight with the doctors to like increase my pain medication Because, as we know, people don't tend to believe Black women.
Speaker 3:When we say that we're in pain, we tend to get misdiagnosed and underdiagnosed and not believed by medical staff. So that was a real fight while I was in the hospital. Then I get out of the hospital and immediately my blood pressure spikes and I actually get taken in an ambulance back because I was dealing with preeclampsia at the end of my pregnancy and it was getting to a really scary place. So then, my first week after having my baby, I didn't even get to really spend with her because I was back in the hospital. So the whole thing was terrible. Yeah, I don't think it was full seven days, but for many days post-pregnancy or for many days post after having gone home with her, I then had to go back. So it was terrifying, it was painful, it was scary. I'll never do it again. I then had to go back. So it it was terrifying.
Speaker 1:It was painful, it was scary. I'll never do it again. Tell you that I had them take my tubes out. I was like, if I have to have an emergency C-section, take my tubes out. And they tried to convince me not to and I was like, no, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Um, I'm did they have to resuscitate your daughter or anything Cause I remember I could feel my C-section as well and I said it wasn't excruciating though, but I could feel it. And I was like I'm not supposed to be feeling pain right now and my anesthesiologist was like, if I bump this up, we're going to have to resuscitate your baby when it comes out.
Speaker 3:And I was like, okay, fuck it, um, but did they have to do anything with your daughter?
Speaker 1:No, she was fine, yeah, she was fine. When they said that to me, I was like oh, I'm really sorry that you had such an awful experience.
Speaker 3:It's so common, but it's also so shitty and it is more common than I think, certainly than I had realized, because now when I speak to other moms and speak to my friends, the majority of them had really bad birthing experiences and I'm just like what is going on? Is it just that, like, childbirth is really really difficult no matter what? Or are there just a lot of hospitals and hospital staffs doing a really shitty job at childbirth? I don't know, and you know I'm not gonna find out because, like I said, I'm not gonna do it again. But yeah, I didn't realize how common it was.
Speaker 2:Sam, and I talk about this a lot, about how you're kind of sold this narrative before you have a baby, that the day you give birth is like the best day of your life and immediately after that you just fall into this newborn bliss, and I know that I didn't experience that. And. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I didn't experience that. I know, sam, and I have talked about that as well. Did you have any of that too?
Speaker 3:Let's see. I mean I did suffer from postpartum depression and so I did end up going on Zoloft for quite a long time. I think I was on Zoloft for like maybe a year post-pregnancy because of the depression. So I certainly struggled. I think there was a part of me, though, that felt a little more prepared for that part, just because I was familiar with the idea that this is a thing that happens to a lot of women. So, even though being in that fog was really difficult, I was like, okay, but I at least I've heard that this is a thing that happens. And I struggled a lot with whether or not to actually go on so loft. I was just feeling really scared about it, for whatever reason. But then, once I did, it was just like clouds lifted and I was like, oh my God, you know it was. I really, really grateful that I was able to do that and grateful that I was able to eventually wean off of it without having any, you know, complications or issues.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you know, I think a lot of women of color, especially black women, experience gaslighting right at the hands of medical professionals and experience just being completely invalidated. And.
Speaker 2:I think we're finally starting to talk about that. I think for many of us, we've often felt like is this just a me problem? Am I the only person who is feeling like I have to push through barriers in a way? Most people don't, and. I think now we're like no, no, women of color are just dismissed, especially black women. Did you feel any of that too Like? Was it validating for you to see some of the data and see some of these conversations playing out?
Speaker 3:Yeah, a hundred percent. I mean, it is always so disheartening knowing and going into something knowing that, like you're going to be treated differently, but I did know that, and then hearing and reading about the fact that this is a widespread issue, um, it is validating. It doesn't make it feel any better, though, you know. Um, so I, I, it's one of the things that when I think about my, my daughter, and I'm raising a little black girl, and so it's funny I've realized, relative to some, at least some of my white friends, the way I think about her and parenting her and my responsibilities to her tends to differ from what I see some of my white mom friends and how they feel about their children differ from what I see some of my white mom friends and how they feel about their children. Because I do sort of feel like an example I'll give is you know, I, I do tell my daughter that she's perfect. I've said that to her, said more than once. She'll hear it again from me, because to me she is perfect and I think she understands that, like I am perfect to my mom. I think she's smart enough to draw that distinction and you know, and I tell her every day how smart she is, how brilliant she is, how amazing she is, all of these things. And you know, kind of some might say go over the top with it.
Speaker 3:And I remember talking about that with one of my good friends who is white and her, you know basically saying like I'm worried. And she also has a white son and I think we know white men grow up with an amazing amount of privilege and so you know she was saying how she's always really trying to ride that line of like, obviously wanting to build up her son. We all want to build up our kids, but not raising someone who is entitled or who is thinking like I'm better than anyone else. She's feeling like that is a part of her responsibility. In a way that I'm not, because I know when my child goes out into the world, the world will try to knock her down a peg.
Speaker 3:The world will try to convince her she's not as smart as she is, she's not as accomplished as she is, she's not as deserving as she is. The world's going to take care of that. So it doesn't need to come from me and it's and it won't right From me. When she's talking to me she's going to know no, you are the cat's pajamas. You are everything you believe you are. You are smart, you are brilliant, you are funny, you are kind, you are good, you are deserving. And I think about that because I know what the world has done to me, I know what I've been through, I know what's presumed about me when I walk into rooms or when I walk into my birthing suite, and because I know that, and I know that that's what's waiting for her down the road, I do feel like this immense responsibility to always be uplifting her, so she knows there's always a place in the world where you will be uplifted, regardless of what's being said externally.
Speaker 1:That's amazing and I've never thought about it. I'm raising a white little boy and I feel very similar to your friend where I'm like I don't praise him very much and I probably go the opposite route, where I'm like, oh, you're doing fine like, except in sports, because he's really good at sports, but the rest of it I'm like we need to work on your math, let's work on your handwriting and, yeah, because I am so worried about him growing up to be, you know, one of them.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I get that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I remember a few years ago there was this whole conversation about like don't make your kids apologize, and you know a lot of the parenting experts were saying that. But I'm, you know, I have twins, a boy and a girl, and I will always make my kids apologize if they do something wrong especially my son, because you know my husband's white, my son presents as white.
Speaker 2:No fucking way am I going to raise a white presenting boy who doesn't know how to take accountability and doesn't understand that he has to say sorry if he does something wrong.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's funny. I missed that whole episode. I didn't realize we were teaching our kids not to apologize. I don't believe in that at all.
Speaker 1:People are still doing it, it's still happening right now where they're like I don't make my son share, which is like I'll encourage it but I'm not going to make him do it, and I know that's one of those things. It's also like oh, don't make him apologize. So I'm kind of rethinking that Cause I'm like no, you probably should learn to share, you know, like, but I also don't make other kids share with him and I let him tantrum and like have a full melt room.
Speaker 2:Watching reality TV has been so eye-opening for me about how much white men get away with Summer House. You know, watching Jesse Solomon and just the look of bewilderment when someone calls him out like nobody's ever done this before, kind of thing Like it is so eye-opening to see what we do to men versus what we do to women versus what we do to people of color, women of color. I just have so many thoughts watching particularly that show, but also the Bachelor and so many others. Check out the.
Speaker 1:Valley Zara. I've been trying to get Zara into the Valley. I haven't watched it either. Oh you haven't either. No, you guys, especially from a perspective of a mother. I think it's the one show that really captures at least season one. Season two is really dark, but season one is very much like. Captures motherhood and parenthood really really well. Um and also, zara, your point of how much I mean particularly Jax, but men in general are allowed to get away with.
Speaker 3:Yeah it is really.
Speaker 3:It really is something you know and I've. What's crazy to me is seeing it at a young age, seeing how little boys will be excused for just like pushing or being aggressive or shoving, and I'm like, um, no, no, it's just not. Boys will be respectful, right Like, or, or they don't need to be around. My child and I've been, you know, held very firm to that, because I'm teaching her to be respectful, I'm teaching her to keep her hands off of other kids, I'm teaching her to say sorry, like, so you, you owe that to this group of children, that that your kid is around At least. I feel very firmly in that and it does.
Speaker 3:I do feel like I've seen, even at age two, three, four, how boys are often treated differently and excused for things that, in my opinion, just like, it should not be excused. It's not like we want to make a federal case. Kids are kids, but, like, if your kid hits my kid, this is an issue. It's not just that, oh, he's being aggressive, no, no, no, this is something he should learn. He shouldn't, do you know?
Speaker 1:girls too. But cause we have some aggressive girls too?
Speaker 2:I will straight up tell people if you do this, again.
Speaker 1:You're going to need to leave my house and I'll I'll do it to my if my son is the same way. I'm like, if you parents are very shocked when I do that Cause they're like oh, and I'm like, I expect you to do this at your home as well, yeah, Completely agree.
Speaker 1:So you mentioned that you had postpartum depression. Zara and I have this conversation where we're like how much of postpartum issues I had really bad postpartum anxiety, probably OCD, Um, so I'm like on the other spectrum of you, but how much of it is lack of support, lack of education versus actual hormonal and mental challenges that come with it. What did your support look like postpartum?
Speaker 3:I feel like I had a lot of support because, first of all, my husband and I I revel all the time at how different we are from what I see in the world in terms of how moms and dads tend to split responsibilities we have done our very, very best to make things as equal as possible. Obviously, there's no such thing as perfectly equal. I did carry Kayla and birth her and then, you know, exclusively pumped, so get her breast milk for her first four months. My husband couldn't do any of that, but the reason I exclusively pumped is because I wanted both of us to be equally responsible for actually feeding her. And so and he was I wanted us both to be responsible for waking up in the middle of the night with her, you know, eight times a night or whatever it was, and we were. And so we do have really and truly as equal of a partnership as I think it's possible to have. And in a lot of ways, he's the primary parent, he's the one who's making sure all of her doctor's appointments are scheduled. He's usually the person dealing with daycare. So we try really hard to be equal and to the extent that one of us is taking on more, it's him, which is just not something. Again, I see modeled a lot between other heterosexual couples. So start there.
Speaker 3:From that perspective I feel like it was just an amazing support. And then also my parents came and stayed with us for Kayla's first month, and then Kadar's mom came and stayed with us for the next like six months. So we for those first several months actually, she may have even stayed until Kayla was almost a year. She stayed a very long time.
Speaker 3:So for that first year of Kayla's life we had a lot of family support. And then we had each other, he and I also. Both were able to take three months of family leave and we took it at the same time. I know some people like stagger it, so that like there's a parent with the child for longer, and I was like no, I don't want that. I wanted to be me and you together taking care of this child. So yeah, in a lot of ways I feel like I had just like an immense, immense amount of support and I'm very, very grateful for that. Particularly when in the beginning I was dealing with postpartum depression, I think it could have gotten much, much darker if I didn't have the support that I had.
Speaker 1:That's great to hear and may have debunked our theory about it. It's probably a combination of things because we have talked to people who have amazing support, and we spoke to someone who went into psychosis and she had an amazing support system. So yeah, the body is pretty wild. But I only know a couple of people who the dad is the default parent, which is interesting, and it's typically when the mom has more of a demanding job or is the breadwinner is kind of what I've seen.
Speaker 1:But it's amazing that you're setting that model up for your daughter and for your life. It's probably honestly why you can keep doing so much the mental load is kind of debilitating sometimes.
Speaker 3:I completely agree. If it weren't for my husband, I definitely would not be able to take on as much as I do. But I'll also say this is sort of what was modeled for me and my parents. My mom is an oncologist, my dad is a professor and my mom's job so we both, you know, obviously had good full-time jobs. But my mom's job was, like, significantly more demanding. She was on call every other weekend Like she was working late. Most times she was getting home between eight and 9 PM, where my dad was home by 5 30 every night you know.
Speaker 3:So like he took on more of getting us to ballet practice and cooking dinner and all of those things. So I grew up looking at, you know, my mom be the person who was like out of the house more working, more hours, all of those things, and my dad kind of being the primary parent in a lot of ways. And I think, because it was modeled for me, it also very much fed into my expectations. When we said we were going to have a kid, I was like, okay, and this is what it has to look like if we're going to do it. You know and my husband was very receptive to that, it's not like I was just telling him. He was like, yeah, that's what I want. I want to be all in on parenting and I feel really lucky about that.
Speaker 2:You know, I have heard from a few people in situations where the dad is more of the primary parent that they still run into this issue of the kid is sick at school. The school calls the mom. The mom is the only one who gets email communications. The doctor's office only calls the mom. Have you run into any of that one who gets email communications?
Speaker 3:The doctor's office only calls the mom. Have you run into any of that? Yes, I certainly have. Like typically am a lot of times the first call for the school. But I think my husband has just done a really good job of making it clear like no, I'm here too and kind of just getting in, so he's been able to circumvent a lot of that. But yes, I do think I still end up being the at least the default phone call. But they know if he can't reach me, you know they're gonna speak to him and they're not like, oh no, now we have to speak to the dad who doesn't know anything about Kayla. I don't know, kadar knows, and in fact Kadar is usually the one talking to us. I mean honestly, at this point I this point, I'm like am I still the default phone call? I might not even.
Speaker 1:You're like I don't even know, because I don't get calls.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he really really might be him at this point, but yes, in the beginning for sure, that was the assumption.
Speaker 1:I have a question about your careers, because I have talked to some people who have been able to manage two really high powered careers at the same time. But usually one person takes a bit of a step back. So we've talked to people who are married and they're attorneys, and they're both attorneys, and one person will take a step back and then the other person progresses. Has it been like that in your relationship, or have you both been able to kind of go full steam ahead at the same time?
Speaker 3:No, I think it definitely has been a bit more of a one person is ahead while one person is taking a step back, particularly right now.
Speaker 3:Right now, my husband, his job, is more freelance based, so he really can be extremely flexible, whereas, you know, some of the work I do is flexible and some is flexible and some of it is is non-flexible and namely, running the running the business. So, yeah, I think we we definitely have found that it's helpful when, if one person is sort of like running ahead at full steam, the other person can take a bit more of a step, take a bit more of a step back. We've we've definitely found that and and part of the reason I now live back in Columbus, ohio, which is where I'm from, and we made the decision to move here at the end of 2023, because we realized we just need more support. My parents are here, my sister's here raising a kid, and we only have one kid. So when I see people with multiple kids and no support system nearby and both parents having high powered, really demanding jobs, like wow, I don't know Props to them. I don't know that we could do it.
Speaker 1:I mean everyone's burnt out. I would say so everyone doing that because we were doing that and my husband wasn't burnt out, but I was very burnt out. Actually, he was burnt out. He just wasn't kind of aware that he was.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know how that is. So Zara is a journalist in this space and has been for like 10 years, so she knows more about, like, the ins and outs of. I knew nothing about pregnancy, motherhood, any of that, whereas Zara was a little bit more prepared.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was working in the space for like how many years was it? Maybe like five years before I had kids myself. So and that's the trap, right Is. You can think you're so prepared, but then you become a mom and you're like, oh, all the information in the world it can't really prepare you for actually experiencing this and actually, you know, moving through the world as a mother and keeping children, as we've discussed, not just alive but also emotionally healthy and safe, and all the other things.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and the thing that, honestly, for me, makes it so hard and part of the reason I was so on board with the idea of moving back home is the fact that you're always a mom, like you're never not a mom.
Speaker 3:There is no real break, even when someone else is watching your kid or you get a weekend away, like you're still a mom, you know. And the mental load of that can be really just overbearing sometimes, for me at least. And I think because of that, yeah, it is hard, first of all to you know, translate what you know academically to like what you feel once you're in it, because, like, there's no way to really know what that feels like until you're in it. So, yes, that is difficult. And then also for me it just meant like yeah, so that means I need more support, I need the ability to be I live literally like across the street from my parents, to be across the street from my parents, like these are the things that I need, otherwise the mental overload of it gets to the point where it's it's too overwhelming.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I get it. I live down the street from my parents too.
Speaker 1:Oh really, I didn't know that that's so nice. We do not. But we have cultivated very strong community. So now we have community where we're trying to. You know, I know that I could lean on them if I need to, but in those early years it's really hard when you don't have support.
Speaker 1:I read this stat I can't remember the exact number, but it was something to do with college graduates tend to move away for college and then not move back, and so a lot of affluent people tend to and this isn't saying all college people are affluent, or people who didn't go to college or not, but the statistic was people who go to college and affluent people tend to have less physical support. They have financial support and they can pay for a village, but they don't have that actual hands-on. And I know finances are very important with having a child, but so is having that actual hands-on. Hey, hold the baby while I take a shower.
Speaker 1:And you are a trusted person who I feel safe with, and I think that is really underrated for a lot of people before they have kids, like realizing what that is going to feel like having versus not having it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, oh, completely agree. And my husband and I we were the people who went to college and never came back. I was gone for 20 years. I moved out of Ohio in 2008. Nope, 2004. That's when I graduated from high school. Left didn't come back until the end of 2023. So literally for 20 years did not live here and then had a child and then realized, yeah, I need more support and that's why I like I don't know if you guys have seen on TikTok the trend of people talking about being rich, but being rich because of the people that they have in their lives, and I like that framing of like, yeah, maybe I don't have all the money in the world To be clear, like I'm doing pretty well, but I don't want to give off the impression that I'm not, but like I'm wealthy because I have so much love, so many people I care about and who care about me, like there's real wealth in that.
Speaker 3:And there are a lot of wealthy people financially wealthy people who are very devoid of that and whose lives, as a result, I don't envy you know.
Speaker 1:So so you started creating content after you had your daughter, or in 20?.
Speaker 3:Yeah, was it. Was it after? Yes, after.
Speaker 1:And did you go online intentionally I'm going to be a content creator or was it to look for support or a combination of things?
Speaker 3:In the beginning, when I, for example, started my TikTok account in earnest, I really was doing it because I was trying to get more attention for Minted, my brand, and so most of what I was posting was about my brand or about makeup or maybe more broadly, about business, but still with the goal of kind of coming all back around and putting more eyeballs on the brand, and that was fine. I grew just sort of with that strategy alone, was able to grow to something like maybe 15, 20,000 followers over the course of like a pretty long time maybe like a year. It took me to get to that, that 15, 20,000 followers. But then I sort of opened it up because I realized like well, you know, this is my channel and I don't know what's going to happen with my brand. It could, it could fold, it could go under like whatever, but this is still my platform, my voice like, and I have other things I want to talk about, like I don't just want to talk about makeup all day. So once I started posting just about truly anything that is on my mind, that's when I actually started seeing real growth.
Speaker 3:And it wasn't until um, when was this? Yeah, sort of like end of 2023, shortly after moving back home to Ohio. Um, I I posted about Taylor Swift because I had like gotten into her music and as a result of watching the Heiress tour, and that video really took off and it was my first true, like insanely viral video. I think like in the first day maybe it had half a million views and and that really sort of kickstarted the growth trajectory I've been on where now I'm at, you know, 340 or so thousand followers and it really kickstarted it when I just sort of said, like actually I'm just going to post about whatever thing is in my mind, and a part of the reason I think I wanted to make that switch again was not just more to talk about, but I also was going through a really difficult time at the end of 2023. And it just sort of felt somewhat cathartic to like have this platform where I was just posting about whatever it was I was into, which at the time was very much Taylor Swift.
Speaker 1:That's how I found you. Actually, I'm pretty sure it was I was into, which at the time was very much Taylor Swift. I'm still into it. That's how.
Speaker 3:I found you. Actually I'm pretty sure it was that video. Oh yeah, okay, amazing, yeah. So it just ended up being cathartic. And then, once the growth really started happening, that's when I started thinking like, well, what else can this be? I'm enjoying it, I'm making the content, people are engaging with the content. So what do I want it to be? Do I want it to just be like a space where I say whatever I want and that just sort of is that and it exists outside of other things I'm doing? Or do I want to try and turn this into more of a second career?
Speaker 3:And I've chosen that because I like making content, I like talking, I like writing. I have a sub stack now I try to do a newsletter every week. I like being on the pod, I like sort of doing research and bringing that forward. I like talking about pop culture, I like putting my thoughts into the world, and so I have found content creation has been really great at allowing me to do that, and I've tried to push myself to get better at it so that, yes, it is still particularly TikTok, a place where I'm kind of posting mostly whatever comes to mind, but I do try to push myself to talk about different types of topics, to look at the analytics, figure out like what's doing well, what do people want to hear more of? What are the different platforms I should be utilizing? Which is why I jumped onto Substack also because I'm writing a book, so I should try and build an audience. So, yeah, it's become like it's a real revenue generating thing for me that I am. I'm still trying to build out and get even better at Revenue generate.
Speaker 1:Okay, I have two questions. I don't know which order to ask them. In revenue generating, I think a lot of people I know, myself included, I thought people were making like hundreds of thousands of dollars on TikTok. Is that true?
Speaker 3:That is true for the people who are doing brand deals on.
Speaker 1:TikTok Okay, but it's not through the creator fund.
Speaker 3:I don't think, not through the creator fund. You know, a great month for me via the creator fund is pulling in like $4,000. That's like a fantastic month for me. That's like I've had multiple videos that month, get over a million views. That is not what most months look. For me, Most months look like more like somewhere between 1,500 and 2,500. And the last couple months there's been a real drop in views and in payment on TikTok so it's been even lower. So I don't think anyone's making hundreds of thousands of dollars off of the creator fund I shouldn't say no one.
Speaker 3:I'm sure maybe the top 0.1% of creators are, but I really think TikTok tries very hard not to let anyone get to the point where they're making more than call it, five to eight grand a month, maybe 10. So no one's getting rich off of the creator fund. Where people are really making their money is in brand deals and in TikTok shop. Now you can make multiple six figures in TikTok shop. You can make multiple six figures by being a creator who just posts about items on TikTok shop and gets paid commission. Absolutely, you can make six figures that way. And then, of course, partnering with brands.
Speaker 1:I love TikTok. As QVC, I'm like I always make fun of my mother-in-law we all used to make fun of her and I'm like, here I am, I'm like doing the exact same thing. Oh, it's another TikTok order. And then the other question is about your book. What's your book about, or can you talk about?
Speaker 3:it. What a good question. What is the book about? I'm still figuring out exactly what the book is about.
Speaker 3:I'm currently working on the book proposal and I have a million different not even I don't think you can call them chapters yet, but I've written a lot of really I'm calling them vignettes right now about my life, about my business, about content creation, about motherhood. I've written a lot. How it's going to come together in a cohesive book. I still don't know. I got to work on that because I got to like finish the proposal. It's got to have a title. It's got to finish the proposal, it's got to have a title. It's got to have a theme. It's got to make sense so that a publisher wants to buy it.
Speaker 3:Right now it's a collection of thoughts. I'm still working on that, but you know, I think the theme is going to be maybe not the theme, but I think the book is going to be about what it has looked like to build this life that I've built as an entrepreneur and as a creator, and kind of like the lessons learned along the way. Broadly, that's the book. What is it going to be called? I don't know. Am I going to actually pull it off? Who knows, I'm still like writing a book, jesus, it's so hard.
Speaker 2:You are like the ultimate multi-hyphenate in talking to you. I mean, that's kind of the theme is like you have 800 jobs. You talk about whatever you want on your. Tiktok and I love that and I think that Taylor Swift of it all right, that has been such a common criticism she's received is like she doesn't know where her lane is. Is she country? Is she pop, is she this, is she that? And men get to do that all the time and they're just diversifying their portfolios right.
Speaker 2:But when a woman dares to not have a very, very distinct and narrow lane, it's like, oh, she's too big for the box, we don't know where to put her. Yeah, have you experienced any of that?
Speaker 3:Absolutely the number one thing people love to tell content creators is like what's your niche? And I'm like, well, I don't know, because there's so many things. Yeah, like, I think I think, broadly speaking, my niche is pop culture. I love to talk about it and most of my my videos that have done very, very well have been about pop culture. But I also have a number of videos about business that have done really well and I also, on my sub stack, talk about politics. I talk about you know, like I just it's hard to have a niche when I'm just, you know, I'm a whole person. I'm not a person who just thinks about one thing. No one is. So that has been something I've almost a criticism I've gotten a number of times and I do get it. It is easier to market something and sell something if the niche is very clear. I totally get that, but it's just I can't. I almost can't do it. I'm allergic to niche. Okay, it's like I gotta just get out of the box.
Speaker 1:You're like don't put me in a box.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I can't. I really can't be put in a box. It's too hard for me. So, yeah, that is something that I've run up against, but I've made my peace with being someone who needs to do a lot of things and talk about a lot of things and, like you said, a lot of men do it and are fine. Elon Musk, who, first of all, is a terrible fucking person, but he runs 15 different companies Doesn't do any of it particularly well, but everyone's happy to keep letting him do it, and he's the richest man in the world. So who cares that he knows nothing about government? Sure, he can come and run a government agency. Who cares that he didn't actually found Tesla and is not really an engineer? Of course, he can run an EV company. Who cares that this man should never really be anywhere near anything to do with space? Let's give him a space company too. Right, like, and everyone's like great. He's a genius, he's so smart.
Speaker 1:And he's the dad of like 16 kids that we know of.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:Right, yeah, you know, and no one questions it. So I'm like you know what? I think probably I can make some content about four or five different topics and no one's going to die if I'm, you know, one day, talking about something you didn't expect to hear me talk about, right? So, yeah, that's what I try to remind myself, like men are allowed to do it all. So I think I can too, or some of it at least, you know.
Speaker 1:And you're a lecturer at Harvard, right? Did I read that correctly?
Speaker 3:No, I graduated from Harvard. You graduated from Harvard, you graduated from Harvard.
Speaker 4:Okay, I'll cut that first part out. But oh yeah, just a.
Speaker 3:Harvard grad here Cool cool, yeah, no, but now I teach at Ohio State University. Oh, that's cool and prior to Ohio State, I was teaching at Yale. Before I moved back to Ohio.
Speaker 1:Yale, that's what it was. Okay, I conflated the two. So you were teaching at Yale. That's what it was. Okay, I conflated the two, so you were teaching at Yale. Just to add more onto your plate and I know we're coming up on time here when can people find your beauty brand and purchase that and find you? I mean, obviously, we'll link everything in the show notes, but I want to make sure that people know where they can get your brand.
Speaker 3:Yes, so mintedcosmeticscom is the best place to shop for my brand, minted, which, by the way, is short for pigmented. We create everyday beauty products for every skin tone, and we're also available on Amazon and in select CVS stores.
Speaker 1:Oh, I didn't realize you're in CVS, that's great. Yeah, I hear well, well before, all the hullabaloo with TikTok or not TikTok, with target it they were. You know, they had their DEI program and I have a friend who was had a bamboo toilet paper line and they were wanting her to buy like it was half a million dollars in product in order to even get into the store and she was like, but then I'm going to be stuck with this product if it doesn't sell.
Speaker 1:And I hear some of those like big box brands are, like really they can like almost kill a small business by the requirements.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it can be very, very expensive, and we definitely struggled a bit when we went into retail for the first time, and that's part of the reason I was so depressed at the end of 2023. And part of the reason Taylor Swift's music ended up meaning so much to me, because I was in like a very dark place because of what was going on with my business, which I actually ended up selling. So now my brand has been acquired and now I'm running my brand along with a few other brands that are part of the portfolio, which we didn't even have a chance to get into. But, yes, it can be very difficult.
Speaker 1:Congrats by the way that is a huge accomplishment. Selling a company is no small feat.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I'm very happy to have gotten it across the finish line.
Speaker 1:Okay, we asked two questions at the end. What is an unexpected piece of joy that motherhood has brought you?
Speaker 3:An unexpected piece of joy. I mean really and truly watching Kayla not even just become a person. I think the first one was realizing she was really such a person from the very beginning. She really did have a personality when she was teeny, tiny. And then watching that personality grow as she now, like, has the ability to, like, speak, walk and all those things, that has been the biggest joy of motherhood. Like wow, look at this person, she is a whole person and she's been a whole person from the very beginning. It's just that's kind of been mind boggling and amazing.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. And then if your best friend say you have a best friend who doesn't have kids yet comes to you and says I'm pregnant, what is the one thing you think she should know?
Speaker 3:Oh, I hope she knows that I'm here and ready and available and willing and excited to be a shoulder, to be an ear. That, honestly, more so than anything, I think sometimes motherhood can feel so isolating and feel so lonely. You don't want to burden people. You feel like you're supposed to know what to do. So I hope she knows that she doesn't have to know it all and I'm here when she needs me.
Speaker 1:That's amazing. You're the first person out of like 70 people to say that so yeah, oh, that's good, do you?
Speaker 2:have a favorite Taylor Swift album real quick.
Speaker 3:Oh, folklore, folklore is my favorite album. Reputation is my favorite era.
Speaker 2:Oh yes, there's a distinction. Favorite era and favorite album are not the same.
Speaker 1:Exactly Well, kj, thank you so much for being here. We really appreciate the time, especially with how strict you are with your time. We feel very grateful, so thank you so much.
Speaker 3:Absolutely. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 4:Thank you for tuning in to Do you Want the Truth? We hope today's episode gave you a fresh perspective on the real and unfiltered side of parenthood. If you enjoyed our conversation, please rate our show and leave a comment. It helps us reach more parents who need to hear these stories. And remember, we'd love to hear from you If you have your own parenting story to share or a suggestion for a future guest. Reach out to us directly and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Until next time, keep embracing the truth and know you're never alone on this journey.
