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Do you want the truth?
Welcome to Do You Want The Truth? where we dive deep into the real raw stories from parents in the trenches of parenthood.
Season 2 is brought to you by Sam Strom and Freelance Journalist Zara Hanawalt, along with guest co-hosts such as Jaime Fisher.
Season 1 is brought to you by Paige Connell & Sam Strom. They bring you candid conversations with parents who share their experiences of parenthood and what they wish they knew before having kids. You'll hear the real stories. The stories that are typically reserved for best friends. The stories with TMI. We believe in the power of truth telling because when someone asks, do you want the truth? We always say yes. Join us as we explore the highs and lows and everything in between so you can feel less alone on your journey.
Connect with Sam: https://www.linkedin.com/samanthastrom https://www.tiktok.com/@samanthastorms
Do you want the truth?
The Truth About: Being a Good Grandparent w/@Morethangrand
Pre-order DeeDee's new course for parents here
When DeeDee Moore discovered she was becoming a grandmother, she searched everywhere for guidance on doing it right. Finding few resources to help support her grandparenting journey, she created her own – and now shares grandparenting wisdom with over 40,000 Instagram and 15,000 TikTok followers.
DeeDee's approach cuts through the noise of intergenerational conflict that often dominates social media. Rather than perpetuating stereotypes of overbearing in-laws, she offers practical strategies for grandparents to become valuable members of the family village. Her refreshingly balanced perspective acknowledges both the wisdom of experience and the importance of respecting modern parenting approaches.
"I've learned so many things from following parenting accounts," DeeDee explains, encouraging other grandparents to follow the same resources their adult children do. This simple strategy ensures everyone receives consistent information – whether about car seat safety or developmental milestones – and prevents the friction that arises when grandparents insist on outdated practices.
Throughout our conversation, DeeDee shares insights from her 40-year marriage, raising four children, and now nurturing relationships with her grandchildren. She discusses the delicate balance between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, the value of establishing trust before emergencies arise, and why what children truly remember about their grandparents isn't fancy gifts but quality time spent together.
For anyone navigating complex family dynamics – whether as a parent wondering how to set boundaries or a grandparent eager to be supportive without overstepping – DeeDee's wisdom offers a roadmap toward stronger, more harmonious relationships across generations. Her ultimate advice? "Focus on your relationship with parents. It is not about your experience as a grandparent. It is about how you can support parents, and the more that you do that, the closer your relationship with your grandchildren will be."
Website: https://www.doyouwantthetruthpod.com
Connect with Sam:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/samanthastrom
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@samanthastorms
Connect with Zara:
Zara Hanawalt https://www.linkedin.com/in/zara-hanawalt/
TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@zarahanawalt
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/zarahanawalt/
When DeeDee Moore found out she was going to become a grandmother, she searched high and low for advice on how to do it right, and when she didn't find resources to help best support her own children on their parenting journeys, she decided to create one. Today, DeeDee shares grandparenting advice to over 40,000 Instagram and 15,000 TikTok followers. Her observations about modern day parenting, the role grandparents ought to play in their families and the elusive balance between helpful and overbearing help families everywhere better navigate these complicated dynamics. Deedee Moore, welcome to Do you Want the Truth?
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me Of course we're so excited to talk to you.
Speaker 1:I think you're the first grandparent we've had so far.
Speaker 2:Probably there are not a lot of us out there, at least on social media and on the internet? Yes, there are certainly plenty of grandparents in the world.
Speaker 1:But what has being on social media and being active in these digital conversations about parenting today?
Speaker 2:how has that shaped how you approach being a grandma that's such a good question, Because I have dived so deep into how to support parents, I found that I am so much better equipped to handle the things that my kids need from me. One example is when I was taking care of my grandkids for an extended period of time. I knew from the parenting accounts I follow for my business to take the winter coats off when I put them in the car seats right. It's just little things like that. That. Why would a grandparent know that unless somebody told them right? So I've learned so many things from following parenting accounts, and that's one thing I encourage other grandparents to do is to follow the accounts that your kids are following, because that way you're getting the same advice they are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's great advice.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that is great advice. I also didn't know about the winter coat thing. I'm in California and so like our winter coats are a little bit different, and so I was like why do we have to do that? Actually, why do you have to do that?
Speaker 2:I don't really know the science behind it or anything it gives you it gives the too much give in the harness, so like if they are in an accident, there's too much play because the coats have so much they don't absorb that they just, you know, allow the child's body to move more than it should. Yeah, I grew up inside the California too, so winter coats were not a thing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm like what is this? And you're in the Pacific Northwest now right, yes, I am, I am. Parenting there. So Zara is obviously on the other side of the country, you and I are on the same side, and parenting in California is different than you know Pennsylvania or New York. What is it? What is it like? Are there certain I don't know geographical things that you have had to be aware of? Where you are versus other places?
Speaker 2:That's an interesting question. I think that I've seen at least where my kids, my grandkids, are being raised. They live in a town that's still kind of safe Kids. You see six and seven and eight-year-olds riding their bike around by themselves. So that's something that I think I see here that I don't see in other parts of the country.
Speaker 1:That's interesting. My husband is from a small town in Iowa and it sounds, you know, I think, that the town that he's from is not quite as free range as some of these very safe small towns, but there is definitely. I mean with the way he was raised versus the way I was raised, and then when we had our kids we were living in Chicago, so we had to have a very different approach to parenting. It is very interesting, though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:And how do you get along with your so, you so you have four kids, right? How do? You are they all married?
Speaker 2:No, no, only my son is married. Um, my daughters two of my daughters are still in their twenties. So they, they, they have plenty of time for that in the future, but right now they are not. If they want, exactly, exactly. And my oldest daughter does not want, she is super happy being single.
Speaker 3:That's awesome. How do you get along with your son's spouse?
Speaker 2:I have an amazing relationship with my daughter-in-law. She just came into our family and fit right in. She really appreciates the approach that I take to our relationship and to our grandchildren. She and I have a ton in common, so it makes it really easy to be friends and support one another, and it's been important. She actually went through a big health scare about a year and a half ago. She got very, very ill and she was pretty much in bed for six weeks, um, in the hospital for a week, and I you know she needed the grandparents to step in and it would have been really, really hard if there was a difficult relationship there, because I don't know what what they would have done.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and if they didn't trust you too, like I mean, even if there is a relationship, sometimes there can be a lot of anxiety. I don't know if I mean you've probably both seen these accounts on Instagram or TikTok where it's I forget her name I want to say her name's Jen or something like that and she talks about boundaries with grandparents and she doesn't have a relationship with the grandparents. And it always makes me sad because it is so beneficial to both sides the parents, the grandparents and the children to have that strong relationship and it makes me sad. Do you see a lot of that in your work, in your life?
Speaker 2:I don't see a ton in my life. I certainly see a lot on social media and it's hard to know how much of it is just on social media and how much of it is really happening out there in the world. But to your point it's. You know, I would not have been able to step in and help as much as I did if I hadn't already established that relationship with the family and established the relationship with the kids and been there often enough to know where things were in the kitchen and what the usual snacks were. You know, I didn't have to bother her with a million questions because I had been there, even though I don't live in the same town they do. I'd been there often enough to know how their lives worked and and that was key- Was there anything that you did to prepare yourself to become a mother-in-law?
Speaker 2:Really no, I think the fact that I had had three daughters I'm one of five sisters with one brother I just I knew a lot about how to deal with women.
Speaker 3:There's, you know right.
Speaker 2:There's just. There are just certain things that that make relationships with other women easier and things that make it harder. So I think life prepared me for it more than anything specifically.
Speaker 3:So you have a big family and you came from a big family. Did you always know you wanted to have four kids?
Speaker 2:Always wanted to have four kids and my husband and I actually had secondary infertility after our second. So there's like a seven and a half year gap between our second and our third child. Part of it was because he was in the military and he was deployed an awful lot during those years, so that definitely had something to do with it. But yeah, we always wanted four children.
Speaker 3:Wow, and you've been married for four, or you've been together for 40 years as well, right, we've been married for 40 years.
Speaker 2:I started dating him when I was 16. So we were high school sweethearts and really lucked into creating a great life together.
Speaker 3:My mentor is the same way. They've been together since he and his wife were 16. And it's so fascinating because even my husband and I and Zara probably you and your husband, for how long we've known each other is you go through so many seasons in your 20s and your 30s and now 40s and it's you have to kind of like keep growing together and like something that I wasn't prepared for in marriage and you've probably seen it a lot is there are some lows, you know when you have really little kids, and I don't know that there's a lot of examples out there to keep going, because I think on social media and in life you see well, they're not doing X, y and Z and so they're not worth it. This isn't worth it Go find somebody new?
Speaker 3:And that wasn't so much of a thing when you were growing up, right.
Speaker 2:No, no, it really wasn't. There was definitely more well, there was more of a getting a divorce was less common and seen as a failure rather than just a change of direction. Right, so, and for me I mean, we actually have an amazing number of friends who are still married to their original spouse. Most of my kids' friends when we were, when they were young, had parents that were still married to each other. So I don't know, for some reason we have managed to surround ourselves by other people in successful marriages. One thing that's wonderful about being married to my high school sweetheart, and something that I appreciate more and more every year, is I swear that he still sees me as that, you know, 16, 18 year old, who just doesn't recognize how much my body and my, you know, I have aged and, and that's kind of nice.
Speaker 1:You look fantastic by the way.
Speaker 2:Thank you, it's. It's nice to have somebody who shares all those memories with you.
Speaker 1:I you know. I think we talk a lot about the growing pains a marriage goes through when you have a child. Did you experience any kind of shift in your marriage when you guys became empty nesters?
Speaker 2:Oh, huge, huge, and it was. He retired at the same time and COVID hit at the same time, so it was really a very transitive point in our life. Anyway, I don't think we had really too many problems. Part of that was thanks to COVID because he spent the last couple of years of his career working from home, so he was around a lot and busy. We moved from one state to another. We'd lived in the same place for 21 years and we moved to where we had always planned to retire, so there was just a lot going on. But again, we had that foundation of we had planned this retirement since we were in college. We knew what life was going to look like and I'm very fortunate. We moved to a place where all of his college friends live. So he's busy all the time and I'm really busy with more than grand. So we managed to do okay.
Speaker 1:Was there anything you did while your kids were under your roof, when you were raising them, to really nurture your marriage?
Speaker 2:Oh, interesting question.
Speaker 3:That's a good question. I want to know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, I think that we, because he was in the military for most of our marriage and most of the time our kids were at home. Especially he was gone a lot, and so we approached our roles very traditionally. Roles very traditionally I was in charge of the things inside the house, he was in charge of the things outside of the house. Right, I was in charge of most of the discipline of the kids because I was the one that was consistently there and by dividing our roles that way, it made it easy for him to come and go. Right, I didn't rely on him for the day-to-day care when he was there, so I didn't miss it when he was gone.
Speaker 2:Now I'm not going to say that was easy, I'm not going to say that you know it worked well, but it it worked for us and I think that it kept us from ever having. I know a lot of people really struggled when a spouse would come home from a deployment because it would completely upset the routine in the house and we didn't find that to be true. For us there was always an adjustment period. I mean, it was always different having daddy home again, but for the most part we navigated that pretty well.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it made me think of my HOA, the inside. We're responsible for the outside of the house, exactly In the community effort.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's. You know it's since the kids are gone and he's home all the time. That's completely shifted in our marriage. Like he does all the laundry, he does all the grocery shopping, he still every once in a while says, hey, that's inside. I'm like that's okay, you can do that anyway. How fun.
Speaker 3:It sounds like you guys are still really playful and I mean how cool is that?
Speaker 2:We are and it's you know. I think that again, because we started off so young together, we were kids together.
Speaker 3:Right, you know, you're not very grown up at the age of 16. Yeah, or even more, I don't feel like a grown up now. I'm always like who's in charge?
Speaker 1:I know exactly.
Speaker 3:Why do I have to be in?
Speaker 1:charge. What about? I mean, were there things like date nights time that the two of you spent just one-on-one? Did you really prioritize that?
Speaker 2:We did to some extent. There were times, I mean, frankly, we were too poor to afford a babysitter for a lot of periods of our life, so we just found other ways to connect with each other and we, we recognized that the time together was precious because we, you know, there were so many times that he was gone. Yes, we definitely tried to do date nights and we, you know, I don't think we had any sort of official system that you know, helped make things better, but we just, we always appreciated each other.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you're tapped into a lot of the conversations happening online now about equal partnerships and splitting the load, but what is your advice? I mean, do you have any advice for couples who are feeling like things are not balanced? I mean, do you think that millennial couples should just let a few things go and maybe not worry so much about making sure everything is exactly equitable?
Speaker 2:I absolutely think that what you just said at the end there is important, like, do what works for you. I know, yes, there is a definite and a good trend to try to balance the load. It should not. You know, I can remember the first time I I heard the idea of meant the mental load that mothers carry right and I'm like, oh my gosh, right, right, that is that's it. That explains so much. But you know, it's not always possible to balance it. It just doesn't and it's not going to work for everybody. You have to find what works for your family, and that may be one of you carrying more of a load for some of the years and it may balance out in the end. I mean, I've certainly seen that in our marriage. I definitely carried more of the load in a lot of the years, but he was doing something really important too and I couldn't take away from that by insisting that when he was home he'd be the one to do all the chores and everything else.
Speaker 3:Right, he'd be the one to do all the chores and everything else right? I have a friend who says that she's going to fair play her way into a divorce because trying to make everything 50-50 is really hard. But I think also society it's like we talk about this a lot with Zara and different guests is your resources are finite and so the way our society is set up is to almost put couples against each other because it's like well, if, if I have to do the cleaning, then I can't have leisure time and you're like constantly in this competition. Instead of it sounds like you guys were more in kind of like a flow and okay, with you know, you doing more work and then him doing more work. I know, for me that's really hard.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, it is hard, it is hard and it's easy it's. But it's easier to be resentful of it when you're watching other people tell you that you need it needs to be equal Right. We didn't have people telling us that. We didn't have anybody say it needs to be equal Right. Exactly what is equal Right? Yeah, so it's. It's easier to to accept if you're yeah, so it's easier to accept if you don't have a constant message that you need to do it this way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think sometimes it can be as simple as just like what do you enjoy doing? I really don't mind folding laundry. I don't mind putting my husband's laundry away because I listen to a podcast. I put laundry away and it's fine. But there are some things that I really don't like to do, and so I really don't like to wrap gifts. I hate wrapping paper and my husband doesn't mind it, so whenever we have to give a gift, he will wrap it. I think sometimes it can just be that simple.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I know for my son and daughter-in-law. She does not mind any of the house stuff. She does all that. She enjoys the cleaning. Again, she puts in an audio book or a podcast and cleans the house. She does the dishes, but she hates holidays. She hates all the preparation for birthdays and Christmas and kids' birthday parties. She told my son you are 100% in charge of that. He's like okay, you are 100% in charge of that. And he's like, okay, they're important to me and I enjoy this, so I will take it on. And so you know, you don't ask my daughter-in-law what the kids want for their birthday. She's going to say I have no idea.
Speaker 3:So I just asked my son what he wanted for his birthday and he was like what do you mean? Like cause this? He's just getting to the age where he can like request something instead. And he's like, well, I don't even know how to answer that, and so that's kind of funny.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Were you on a single income as you were raising your four kids.
Speaker 2:Yes, we were, we were Okay.
Speaker 3:So I'm fascinated by that.
Speaker 2:Well, it was a different time. Right, things were not so expensive, and because we were, because my husband was in the Marine Corps we tended to live in places that were more affordable. Right, we spent a lot of time in North Carolina, and so we could afford to do it. We were also fortunate in that we had some financial support from my family. When one of my grandmothers passed away, we got a small amount of money that helped us put a down payment on our first home. So we had some advantages that not everybody does, and it was much easier to live on a single income.
Speaker 2:Money was tight, I will not deny that and I didn't start working until our youngest was in third grade. That's the first time that I had a paying job since I was before college, quite on, you know, in college so, and I, I there was a period of time after my husband retired from the Marine Corps and was looking for a follow-up job. That, you know, my little income was really all we had besides savings and his pension. But our kids all learned to be amazing savers and budgeters, which is a true gift in today's world.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you were probably familiar with thrift stores back in the day too then.
Speaker 2:Oh, thrift stores and yeah, and just not buying stuff. I mean, quite honestly, we just didn't buy stuff. It was not a part of our lives to go shopping. You know the we, the kids, had what they had. You know, a lot of clothes were from the grandparents. Yeah, things lasted for a long time.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, add to cart. Yeah.
Speaker 2:No add to cart. You know, thank heaven we didn't have that option back for a lot of that time. Yeah, no, add to cart. Yeah, no add to cart, and thank heaven we didn't have that option back for a lot of that time, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's something I'm thinking about a lot right now my kids I have twins who are six and I think we have to start kind of having the money conversations with them. And I never had them growing up, so I don't quite know how to approach it and I think it's important. But I also think it's important to kind of find the line between letting them be kids and also kind of introducing them to these concepts that are very adult, right. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's. You know, it can be really hard, and I I know that. Um, when we we moved to California, when our youngest was almost two, and my parents helped us buy a house so we could be in a good school district, Otherwise we could not afford it, and they really they wanted us back in California so badly that my dad's like I'll help you buy a house so so you can do this. We lived with surrounded by families who had much higher incomes than we did, and so, you know, our youngest two were always like, well, how come we can't go on a Disney cruise? How come we can't do this, how come we can't do that? And it's like, well, some families have more money than others families and we can't afford to do that right now. But, and our youngest at one point said to me, I'm really glad that we can't do everything, because the you know my friends across the street, they don't have anything to look forward to. And I'm like, wow, that is a pretty, pretty amazing insight from an eight year old, Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And what a great way to look at things too, like a great way to look at life in general, and so when you're getting.
Speaker 2:So. That was right around when you went back to work, right Cause eight is the third grade.
Speaker 3:What was that transition like? Cause, I mean, the kids had never seen you out of the house like working outside of the home right.
Speaker 2:Well, I made it really easy by working at their school. So that was, that was a very, very easy first step for them, and I did that for about three years and then started to move into another job. So that's when it got, you know. It's like, well, what do you mean? You can't pick me up from school? What do you mean you can't do this? It was definitely a big transition for them, but, again, one that they needed to understand.
Speaker 1:Yeah, was that tough for you to kind of transition, while also you know, I think, that a lot of people think once your kids start school, you really have no issues around childcare and you know working full-time should just be a breeze, but I have two kids who are going into first grade and I know that that's not the case. Was that challenging for you?
Speaker 2:I was lucky in that I mostly worked in jobs that I was available after school. I do think that that helped a lot. But yeah, it's definitely different when you don't have the flexibility to just drop everything and do whatever that the kids need. So I'm glad that I did what I did. I'm glad that I got to be home as many years as I did, especially when my husband was gone so much. I think that it really really helped our kids to know that there was somebody there for them all the time.
Speaker 1:Do you have any advice for women who are about to become stay-at-home moms now?
Speaker 2:I do. I think that it can be a very isolating thing, and it's even more true today when you may be the only mom in your neighborhood or the only mom in your apartment building who is staying home with the kids. So my biggest advice is to find other moms, and you know, whether it's through a meetup group or a church, mother's day out, or just start the group yourself, put a notice up on the bulletin board at Trader Joe's and find community, because those relationships will really get you through this.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's great advice. Sorry if you hear my cat, that's why I keep going off. I don't know if you can hear her yelling. Okay, are you still friends with any of those people who you kind of raised your children with and you met through, maybe, the listserv?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's really interesting because some of those friendships that you make as a mom are so vital for life and I think the strongest one for me is one of the women that I met when my husband and I moved to Okinawa. I had a newborn and a two-year-old and there was another mom. I had a newborn and a two-year-old and there was another mom who had a newborn and a two-year-old and we had met shortly before we moved and then we both moved at the same time and she and I were. She was my lifeline when we were there. I mean she was the person I could call when I couldn't call my mom because it was too expensive were there. I mean she was the person I could call when I couldn't call my mom because it was too expensive, long distance was too expensive, and so you know, whenever I think, I think of her every Mother's Day. You know we don't, we don't see each other very often. She's living a different life than I am now. We're far from each other, but we we still keep in touch. She reaches out when she thinks of me and I reach out when I think of her, and and that was just a really valuable friendship.
Speaker 2:As far as the listserv that was, I know something that we talked about before I when I was pregnant with my third child. The internet was a new thing and and there were these groups of moms on these listservs where everyone was expecting a baby in the same month and we had. We had women from all over the world who were interested in sharing advice and that was a really great source of information. They're still active on Facebook as a group. It's dwindled from the several hundred to, I think, about 40 people who are very active. I'm not very active, but I check in every once in a while and they have definitely kept some of those friendships going all these years.
Speaker 3:That's so cool. That's like what you hope for right as you're making these, and you're making all these investments of time and emotion and all of those things and they're helping us survive right now and, like my mom, friends are the most valuable thing in my life, I would say right now, and like my mom, friends are the like most valuable thing in my life. I would say right now, like in terms of mental health, everything better than therapy.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that you know, especially with how much social media access we have now, I think it can get easy to fall into this trap of thinking that the community and the kind of interactions you have with people online are enough. But I do think those in-person interactions are so important and I think that we have all gotten kind of bad about getting out of our comfort zone and putting ourselves out there, but it's really important and can make such a difference in motherhood, absolutely, and I think that you.
Speaker 2:I think the other thing I see with those online relationships is they kind of keep you from meeting a wide range of ideas and a wide range of people, and I think that in-person communities are more diverse and more likely to feed you in different ways, right.
Speaker 3:Literally feed you too, like they will literally feed you Exactly.
Speaker 2:Those online communities are absolutely no good. When you need a meal, so they can send you.
Speaker 3:DoorDash Right. Is that kind of the inspiration behind your company, and can you tell us a little bit more about that?
Speaker 2:I think that my main goal with More Than Grand is to help grandparents be part of that village for parents, right?
Speaker 2:I think there are so many new parents who are struggling and wishing that they had a bigger village, and I really think that grandparents are the ones that can step in and fill that role. We see a lot on social media about the grandparents being difficult, but, and so I'm trying to bridge that by giving the grandparents the information that parents want. I've got a course for new grandparents that tells them all the things that really worry new parents and the new trends in parenting, all the baby care and safety. That's up to date, and then it's also got like a whole list of a whole section on partnering with parents, like what parents today are dealing with, what the common problems are for parents and how you can step in and help with that.
Speaker 2:Questions to ask them about boundaries, right? Don't wait for the parents to come to you and say I need you to do this. Ask in advance. So that's you know. I sell that on my website and it's really, really helpful for new parents to give that to the grandparents and then they're not having to start those conversations, right. They're not having to do that education.
Speaker 3:You're doing the mental load for them, you're taking on that mental load.
Speaker 3:Exactly Well, I think the other thing too is I mean, you seem like you are in very good health. You seem like you are, and I think that is a big thing. I know a lot of us are in the sandwich generation, where there's ailing parents and grandparents, and how do you kind of split that? Because right now it's almost like you have to take care of the older generation and the younger one instead of the older one coming in. So can you tell us a little bit about, like, your health and how you've kind of like, stayed so healthy?
Speaker 2:I have really good genes. I will tell you that that's a definite part of it. My dad's parents both lived well into their 90s, and my mom is 88 and still super active.
Speaker 3:Is it pickleball, is it tennis? No, you need to start playing tennis. It's good for your brain.
Speaker 2:No, she's a walker. She's a walker and a swimmer, but she goes and works out with a trainer every week to to keep, you know, her balance and everything good and and so she is my inspiration. But I, you know, the genes are part of it, but it's also I, my husband and I both really have seen our parent, my, you know, my dad in particular and his dad not take care of themselves, my dad in particular and his dad not take care of themselves and and seeing how much that has has affected their lives, not just health wise but mentally, and the impact that that has on the next generation. Right, we want to. We don't want to be that burden on our kids that we see so many of our friends parents and becoming. So we are very motivated to stay healthy and active and feel very grateful that we are able to do that.
Speaker 3:So are we talking walking? Are we talking weights? What are we talking about? I do pull. I need tips, I know Okay.
Speaker 2:So I do Pilates a couple times a week and walking those about I know. Okay, so I do Pilates a couple of times a week and walking those are. Those are my main things. Um, my husband, golfs, plays tennis, works out twice a week at the gym. Yeah, there's the tennis. Yeah, yeah, he, he, he plays pickleball or tennis. He can't do both at the same time. So, yeah, he gets like the mental switching back and forth from tennis to pickleball and different rackets it messes up his game. So do one for a while and then switch back to the other.
Speaker 3:Is pickleball still as popular? I know all the tennis courts in our area got turned into pickleball courts, but now I don't hear anyone talking about it anymore.
Speaker 2:It's very active, very popular in the retired population. I'll tell you that. So, yeah, yeah, there's a lot of pickleball going on where, where we live.
Speaker 3:Where my son is going to summer camp right now, it's at a gym on a different. I live on a little island and it's on the neighboring island and it is where all the retirees live and they go to workout and so I joined there and it is amazing, I took this weight class and it was all women, you know, 60 plus, and it kicked my ass so hard and like I was so sore for three days, like I got sore that day. I hadn't been sore like that in so long. But we love going there because I'm like it's so great Nobody is being super loud, everyone's respectful, you can go to the pool.
Speaker 3:Like it's such a different thing, whereas out Everyone's respectful, you can go to the pool it's such a different thing Whereas my husband goes to the gym on our island where all the younger people go, and he's like it's so annoying. People just use the weights all the time and they don't give you a turn. So it is really interesting the different dynamics and the different gyms.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I used to love going to Zumba for that reason, because I feel like the younger women were like in such a rush to get in and out and then I would go to Zumba and it was all these, like you know, 60 year olds who were just having the time of their lives and they were chatting and they were like cheering for each other. It was so much fun yeah.
Speaker 3:Sorry, my cat is. She is a senior lady and she is very loud and she just won't stop. I just I gave my office that I usually am in. I finally gave it over to my husband after a year of me being stay at home. I was like, okay, you can finally have our office space. And so he is in there and our cat is usually with him, and now she's not, so apologies.
Speaker 2:No worries, no problem.
Speaker 1:DeeDee are. You are all of your kids in different areas. They are.
Speaker 2:Our son lives about about seven hours from us by car. We have one daughter who lives about 45 minutes from us, which is lovely, so we get to see her more often than any of the others. And then we have two daughters who are in Southern California. They both pretty much stayed there after we moved up here. They stayed down there, so they're about an hour. Well, you know, depending on LA traffic, between 45 minutes and two hours from each other.
Speaker 1:So do you have any advice for maintaining those really close relationships with your kids when they don't live near you?
Speaker 2:I think that the key is to not be needy and not put the expectation on them that they will keep you updated on every aspect of their life. You need to understand that they are not thinking about you all day the way you may be thinking about them, and be super grateful for the times that they do reach out. I find, with you know, my kids are all different. One of my daughters calls me anytime she's going anywhere and can't, can't be with her own thoughts when she's in the car. Another one calls me regularly about, about life updates. And then you know the one that lives close by I don't hear from as often but I, you know I do get to see her so that that keeps things keeps things going.
Speaker 3:My husband and son go every single week to see my, to see his mom, grandma Nana, I don't know, but they go every Wednesday to watch Survivor and we're just getting into the point where it was really hard for me. I actually had a lot of issues with it initially, because they go on Wednesday night after school, after work, and so they would go over at 6.30 and she lives further away and so he wasn't getting to bed till like 10, 10.30 and the next day would be a nightmare. But my husband, it was like a non negotiable for him and it's been interesting because I didn't realize how important that relationship was. And since I haven't been working this year, it's been easier because I can kind of deal with the meltdowns a little bit easier the next day. Now that he's going into school, they're going to move it to the weekends, but it is.
Speaker 3:It is really interesting because you do come up against. I get along really well with my mother-in-law most of the time. But it is one of those things where I'm like why can't you just move it? And they're like no, because we've been doing Survivor for 10 years every Wednesday and we're not changing it. And you kind of get into that struggle where it's like what is better for both parties and it's really hard to navigate.
Speaker 2:It can be really hard to navigate and again, the key always comes down to communication, right. When you learned that it had been going for 10 years, like okay, that makes sense, I can understand why they don't want to change it. Right. And you learned that you could adapt to it right. And you're right, it's worth the relationship in the long term to have those struggles, right.
Speaker 3:Especially with ailing parents too, because it's like you don't know how long they're going to be around for you don't know you don't.
Speaker 2:And even if they're not ailing, you still don't know how long they're going to be around for right. And building that relationship with the grandkids from the start makes a huge difference for those kids. I mean, it's wonderful for the grandparents, but what the kids get out of it is so important. The unconditional love that a grandparent gives you that doesn't come with rules and expectations that parents have to put on their kids is something that you can't replace with almost anyone else, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and Didi, I think you'll agree with me here. I think that a parent's comfort is always number one. I think nobody has the right to push back when a parent says they are firm on something when it comes to their kids. But I do think that grandparents have a level of wisdom that parents just don't have, and I think there has definitely been times when someone from my parents' generation will tell me one day you'll realize that this wasn't a big deal, and I think my initial reaction is to get a little annoyed. But then, when I stop to think about it, there is some truth there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think that's one thing that is really hard with the current social media approach to dealing with grandparents. Yes, yes, a lot of our knowledge about what the right thing to do is outdated. You know. Safety concerns have changed, there's new research on all sorts of things, but babies have not changed right, children have not changed and we really do have some valuable perspective on parenting If you're open to it, right? No, you shouldn't follow our advice on putting the baby down on their belly or putting rice cereal in their bottle at six weeks or whatever.
Speaker 2:And a bunch of blankets to sleep with, exactly. But if we tell you that you'll get through this right, it's not going to matter. Or? Here's a really great way that I calmed my babies down. That could be valuable.
Speaker 3:Just don't do it if it's like whiskey in the bottle, or whiskey.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 3:Exactly. But no, I agree with you. There are and I feel like that kind of bothers me with some of those accounts where it's like no, this is my hard boundary and you're not going to cross it. And something my husband's really good at is being like no, just because somebody is different than you and thinks different than you doesn't mean they don't have a place in your life and have value, and I think that gets lost. It's too black and white.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and that's something that I see. That just kills me when I see those accounts where it's like, well you know she can't respect me. I don't want my kids to be around somebody who doesn't respect me. Well, you know what your kids need to learn that there are all sorts of people. There are lots of difficult people in the world, and all you're teaching them is intolerance difficult people in the world, and all you're teaching them is intolerance. You're not teaching them a thing about respect. You're just teaching them that if you don't like the way somebody treats you, you should cut them out. Well, I'm very interested to see what happens in 20 years when these kids are grown up and have learned that difficult people should be cut from your life.
Speaker 3:Yeah Well, and then kind of villainize too, because I think it's one thing Sometimes it's like you can stop having communication with people if you don't know how to deal with it. I just never believe in weaponizing grandkids. I think that's the hard thing for me. I've watched it happen in my own life and it's like that is so sad because it's harmful to everybody.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it really is. Yeah, and I mean, unless it's something like you think they are dangerous and they are going to there are definite cases where people are dangerous and it may be emotionally dangerous, but there's a big difference between difficult and dangerous. There's a big difference between actual harm and perceived harm. Right.
Speaker 3:But I think that's also nervous system regulation. So many of us we're so stimulated and we're trying to work and trying to do all these things and so you're on high alert all the time and it's like that is a threat. Get out of here, get out of here and you're just like it's almost like a video game.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, you're right, and there's there's definitely research to back that up that people have have gotten to the point where any discomfort feels like a threat.
Speaker 3:Oh interesting, I haven't heard about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's, it's, it's a very um. It's kind of a sad way that society is leaning right now, because discomfort and threats are not the same thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or people will avoid discomfort and say that they're doing it in the name of their mental health. I saw a post in this group that I'm in from someone who said I really want to skip Thanksgiving at my in-law's house to protect my mental health. I just don't really enjoy the food they serve or the company.
Speaker 3:Or just say I don't want to go because I don't like these people. There's a difference, Right?
Speaker 2:Well, and I've read something fascinating that said you know, mental health is not. You don't protect your mental health by avoiding things. Good mental health means that you learn to deal with difficult things. It doesn't mean you avoid them.
Speaker 3:Yeah, avoiding triggers is like, okay, you're not healed, you're just avoiding anything that triggers you. Yeah, exactly, and it's easier said than done too. I think that's the other thing. When you are cause, I will say, like working full time as a parent, when you have a dual income household, it is really hard to be. Oh, there, there's the 18 year old cat. Again, she's a menace. She is a menace, um, but it is one of those things where it's like you are so just I don't know. It's really hard. I just don't think we're set up to live this way.
Speaker 2:No, it's. It's hard to have the bandwidth to to deal with all the things that you have to deal with and and I I know that from times that I was single parenting right you just get to this place where you can't deal anymore with one more thing so small and then it turns into a huge, huge thing.
Speaker 3:How has the reception been from grandparents to getting your advice from more than grant? How has it been, because I know some people can be kind of resistant to getting new information like this or so? How has that been?
Speaker 2:It's been amazing. I mean, I have gotten so many, so many wonderful notes from grandparents who are like I wish I had found you sooner. I made a lot of mistakes in the first six months and I did a lot of damage to our relationship, but I've been able to turn things around and now I have a great relationship and it's wonderful. So getting getting feedback like that from people is what makes me keep doing this. I am certainly not making money at it. I am doing it because I can see the impact it's having on people's lives. The grandparents who find me and want to do better and that's most grandparents Most of us really do want to have better relationships with the people in our families. So the ones that find me and take advantage of my resources whether it's just reading my blog posts or paying for the course or following me on Instagram they really are listening to what I'm saying and applying that in their relationships with their adult kids.
Speaker 3:Do you have anything for those adult kids too, Because I think that would be an interesting thing to be like. How do you talk to.
Speaker 2:I do have that. Actually I am just. I have one free download called how to talk, so the grandparents will listen.
Speaker 3:That's exactly what I was thinking.
Speaker 2:That's exactly what they need Exactly. And then I'm also developing an ebook for parents to share a little bit more about the grandparent perspective and why there are these disconnects between expectations and behavior. So I'm working on that right now and that should be ready. I'm not sure when this podcast will be coming out, but it'll be ready by the end of the summer.
Speaker 1:We could probably line it up.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm going to mark this so that we remember that this is a lot of work that you're doing for free, essentially.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do do a lot of work and I do it because I absolutely love it. I started More Than Grand basically as a blog when I retired as a communications consultant, because I very quickly got bored and needed a creative outlet of some sort. So I started this blog and then I realized, as I was researching topic ideas, I was spending a lot of time on parent forums and grandparent forums and Reddit and reading about the issues that parents and grandparents were having. I could just see that there was this huge disconnect that parents were having the same problems over and over with grandparents and grandparents were totally unaware of the impact that their behavior was having. So I'm like, okay, well, if I could really use this to help the grandparents see the parents' perspective and what the parents need, then that could be really powerful.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean it is really powerful because it kind of bridges more than just that, because you're talking about just that relationship, but it's like then maybe you can have political conversations or ideological conversations.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to let, I'm not going to claim that. No, it does, it helps you understand people? Absolutely it's. I mean, it all comes down to communication skills, right, and that's, I think, that's why I am able to do this in the way that I am, because I do have the background with helping people tell their stories, helping them get their viewpoints across, and how to listen is the most important thing that I try to teach people.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think we all need. I know I could use that. My husband says I could use that.
Speaker 2:No, we all could use it. I mean, we all are start thinking about what we're going to say next instead of actually listening to what the person is saying as they're saying it and thinking about it before we respond. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Do you think there is a difference between being a grandparent on the dad's side versus a grandparent on the mom's side?
Speaker 2:There definitely is. Again, research backs that up the maternal grandmother always has an advantage over the paternal grandmother. Part of that is because just the dynamics between women and you have established a relationship with your mother, whether it's good or bad. You know your patterns, you know your triggers, you know how to either avoid or set them off right. So you're, when, when you're dealing with your spouse's parents, you don't have that background and you don't have that relationship established. You may have a wonderful relationship, but there's still things that you don't know how to navigate. So that's, I think, the main reason that that is that the mother you know the mother's mother has a an advantage in that relationship, but it's certainly not one that can't be overcome. Right, as I'm living proof right, I have an amazing relationship with my daughter-in-law and am equally, if not more, involved than her mom is.
Speaker 1:That's another thing too. I think that I think grandparents can maybe fall into a little bit of a competition with one another. Do you have any?
Speaker 2:tips. Sorry, did I roll my eyes there? Yes, yeah, and I always. You know I've got a couple of blog posts about it, but it's not a competition Like that. Child needs all the people they can get, loving them as much as they can. So you should just focus on your relationship with them and if you feel like you're the grandparent who is losing out on that competition because you can't afford the fancy gifts or the you don't live close by, those things don't matter as much as how you interact with the child right, how you interact with the parents, the support you give.
Speaker 2:Any study I've ever seen that talks to adults about their memories of their grandparents. They are not talking about gifts. They are not talking about the fancy trips. They are talking about the time they spent cooking with grandma. They are talking about working in the garden with their grandfather. They're talking about the conversations they used to have when they would go on walks. Those are the things that children remember and the only way to build those is by spending the time, and you can do that virtually. I mean now you can do it by writing letters, by doing FaceTime. I mean you can have that bond even if you are not there day to day.
Speaker 3:You know what my sister-in-law does. That's really cool. I mean she'll give gifts and things like that, but the main thing she does is she makes crafts for my son, and so we have allowed him to keep his Christmas tree up just to have this interaction with his aunt, where she makes a different thing for every month and she sends little ornaments or like a garland or something that she has handcrafted and they picked out the whole year.
Speaker 3:They picked the theme for every month that they wanted to do, and that's like how they stay, because she lives far away from us, and so that's how they stay connected, and I think grandparents love crafts connected and I think grandparents love crafts, so I love that idea you could totally do I'm, I'm, don't, don't be surprised if you see, if you see a post about the grandma tree and well, so we've also let the grandma be part of it too, so she sends things that she doesn't make, but she likes to order things online so that she gets to do that. So she. So the tree is actually combined with handcrafted things and that are the theme that they've picked out, and then the holiday of that month that the grandma has picked out. So it's very chaotic, but he loves it.
Speaker 2:Oh, of course he does, and, and you know, that's great for you too, because it contains it all in one place, right, you don't? You don't have little stuff all over the house from from everybody's generosity, little stuff all over the house from everybody's generosity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, that's the worst, the little things. I have a friend who says I know you hate me if you buy my kids a toy that has like a hundred pieces.
Speaker 3:Why do they have so many pieces? I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know, but I'll tell you what. That is not a new thing. I can remember Christmases going. Did you have to get the 12 dress and accessory Barbie kit Barbie kit, the shoes, the Barbie shoes, that end up everywhere. Oh, the Barbie shoes, the Barbie shoes and the Legos, yes, yes, I mean that's. And you know the Happy Meal toys. That was another thing. It was like, oh please, just stop with all the little stuff.
Speaker 3:The goodie bags too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing is like. How do you get around? Did you do birthday parties for your kids every year?
Speaker 2:We did them every other year.
Speaker 3:Every other year.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, we did them every other year and they were usually we did the. However old you are, you can invite that many people and, quite honestly, by the time my kids were about 10, they stopped being interested in inviting very many people. They would have one or two friends that they wanted to do something with instead.
Speaker 3:Where did the every other year tradition come from?
Speaker 2:Finances our budget. I was just like. We can't do a birthday party every year, so one year it'll just be family and cake, and one year we'll have a party.
Speaker 3:That's cool. I like that. It almost makes it more special because you have those memories and you're not trying to keep up with what everyone else is doing or get into debt or what you know like doing things that you shouldn't be doing.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and we didn't have Pinterest to egg us on either. So you know we were. They tended to be more low key, though I did. I mean I always tried to make for me. The fifth birthday was the one that I really went all out on, cause I think kids, I think that's kind of a peak year for a child to to feel how fun a birthday is and they're still and they still believe in the magic. So, like for one daughter who adored Sleeping Beauty, we invited Sleeping Beauty to her birthday party and I mean she, she knew that that was actually Sleeping Beauty, she, yeah, so that was. I remember my fifth birthday party.
Speaker 3:You just made me realize like that I remember and it wasn't anything super special, but yeah, do you remember?
Speaker 1:yours. Zara, I do but we also for my kid's fourth birthday party. We had Minnie and Mickey and my daughter came to me afterwards and she goes. I saw the person's face behind Mickey.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, it was the. The. The, the person who dressed up as Sleeping Beauty was amazing, and one of the things that I will never forget was we had a. We had some roses in front of our house and my daughter had wanted to pick a purple rose for Sleeping Beauty, and so she gave it to her and this woman goes oh my goodness, it's a moon shadow rose. That's my favorite. I'm like like she knew the variety of rose that it was and, of course, my you know it was just part of the magic. Like, of course, sleeping Beauty would know exactly what this rose that I just picked from my garden is.
Speaker 3:Is that the real variety or is it like Sleeping Beauty? I think it was something like that.
Speaker 2:No, I think that's what it was. It was the real variety. Yeah, this woman knew her roses.
Speaker 3:Wow, how cool is that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was very cool.
Speaker 3:Well, we know that you have a lot that you have to get done, because now you have to go put this module together about the grandma tree.
Speaker 2:Yes, I do, I am working hard on that.
Speaker 3:But we have two questions we like to ask at the end of every episode. And the first is questions we like to ask at the end of every episode. And the first is what advice would you give a new grandparent? So one of your best friends is going to be a grandparent. What would you tell them?
Speaker 2:Focus on your relationship with parents. It is not about your experience as a grandparent. It is about how you can support parents, and the more that you do that, the closer your relationship with your grandchildren will be.
Speaker 1:That is great advice and since you have many years of parenthood to draw on, is there a point in parenthood or an aspect of parenthood that brought you unexpected joy?
Speaker 2:Oh, you know so many of them. Really, I always wanted to be a mom and that was really my career goal. So I have had so much joy and I think that the joy that I get now from my children as adults, the joy that they still want to hang out with us, they still love to get together with us, they still talk to each other without us being an intermediary I think that is is an incredible amount of joy.
Speaker 3:That's awesome, we don't we? Since you're our first grandparent we've had on here, I'd also like to know about what's been unexpected joy of being a grandparent.
Speaker 2:You know it's the joy that seeing my son as a parent has been absolutely amazing. He has always been a kid magnet. I mean since he was very little and he was the oldest and we had these young you know he would take care of his younger sisters all the time. Nephews and nieces just always followed him around. To see him as a dad is just like seeing him grow into the person he was always supposed to be.
Speaker 3:That just gave me goosebumps. No Well, thank you so much for taking the time.
Speaker 2:Oh, this has been a great conversation. I really enjoyed talking to both of you. Thank, you.
