E21: How to Have a Happy Birthday with Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming

Your birthday is the one day a year that belongs entirely to you. So why do so many of us dread it, dismiss it, or hand it over to other people's expectations?

Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming is the author of How to Have a Happy Birthday and a self-described birthday coach — and this conversation goes much deeper than party planning. We talk about why our relationship with our birthday often reflects our relationship with ourselves, what it means to treat your birthday as a spiritual day, and how to actually claim the day as your own.

This episode landed at the right time for me — I recorded it just before turning 51, my first birthday without my mom.

What We Talk About In This Episode

• Why our earliest birthday experiences shape how we feel about them for decades
• The spectrum from birthday positive to birthday avoidant — and where you fall
• Why Tamar believes your birthday is a spiritual day worthy of real celebration
• How to stop outsourcing your joy and take charge of your own day
• Birthday self-sabotage: why we say we don't want anything when we actually do
• The birthday eve ritual — and why the day after matters too
• What to do when your birthday falls on a holiday or during a hard season
• Using your birthday as a personal new year: the questions worth asking yourself
• My own 50th birthday story — and the moment that felt like a message from my mom

Connect with Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming

• howtohaveahappybirthday.com
• https://www.instagram.com/author.tamar/

Get Angie's Book: Girl in the Spotlight — available in print and audio 

Subscribe to Angie's weekly letter Hello Friday

Instagram: @angiemizzell

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Tamar (00:00)
The day we were born, represents the day we left our spirit form and became human. And I can think of nothing more spiritual than honoring that day every year. That is the day we began our lives. We're all miracles. The fact that we're here at all is a miracle.

Angie Mizzell (00:21)
Hi everyone, it's Angie. Welcome back to More Like You and welcome to October. This week's episode is all about birthdays. Whether you love your birthday or you dread your birthday or maybe you have mixed feelings about celebrating your birthday, this week's episode is for you.

This month is a big milestone month for me. This past week, I celebrated my 51st birthday. Also this past week, this podcast, More Like You turned one and my memoir, Girl in the Spotlight turned two. I've always felt very reflective on my birthday.

This has always felt like my personal new year I feel like this year I might be feeling even more reflective than I typically do. Many of you know, my mom got sick after Girl in the Spotlight was released, just one month after the book came out. It was sudden, it was very upsetting, and she died the following June. less than two weeks after my son Dillon graduated from high school. So last October, when I was turning 50 and I was grieving the recent loss of my mom,

I was adjusting to Dillon being off at college. I launched this podcast because simply it felt like it was time. it felt like it was time to shift my energy back towards creating and communicating and telling stories. You know, you have to give yourself space to grieve and I did do that. But there also comes a point when life calls you to get up and reengage with your life.

And so here we are. Another year has gone by. This has been a great year of podcasting. This is the 21st episode of More Like You. This has also been a growing year, a healing year. I'm still processing a lot. because so much has happened and I've changed a lot

That's why I'm so happy to share my conversation with today's guest, Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming. Tamar is the author of How to Have a Happy Birthday, and Tamar reminds us that our birthdays are a personal holiday. It's a spiritual day. It's a day worthy of pausing and reflecting. And while it's normal to look to others to help us celebrate, it's really up to us to decide how we want to spend our birthdays.

Let's dive in.

Angie Mizzell (02:59)
Tamar I'm so happy to have you. I love talking about birthdays.
tell us a little bit more about how this journey began for you, where you began to shift how you think about your own birthday.

Tamar (03:11)
Well, you know, when I think back on my life.
It becomes clear to me that I was always aware of my birthday experiences starting from the age of three, that, you know, I would have happy moments. I would have confusing moments. I would have sad moments and consistent throughout all of it was this idea that I was supposed to be happy, right? And I might not have been happy on any given day for whatever given reason, but the sort of pressure to be happy or I really was happy or I was excited, but then I got disappointed. So, you know, if we can all think back to our childhood experiences around birthdays, we can all see that there might have been a range of emotions around our birthdays that we didn't even think about because we're not really taught to think about our birthday experiences. So for me, what became really clear in terms of the power of birthdays to be utterly painful and devastating is when I turned 18. It was my first year at college. I was, I was 18, which is a milestone birthday. And I woke up that day, the baby of the family, four kids, and I woke up that day and the only plans I had was to wait for the phone to ring for my family to call and wish me a happy birthday.

So that's what I did. I waited for the phone to ring. I'd run back to my dorm room. you know, no the calls didn't come my entire family forgot my birthday that year and that's all I was waiting for right so I had so much hope and expectation I was looking forward to hearing from them and it didn't happen and it was so hard for me It was really heartbreaking because they forgot me How could they forget about me and not only that but that's all I did That's all I wanted to do for my birthday and it didn't happen. So really hard experience two years later fortunately

the story changed. I was turning 20, another milestone birthday. I was spending my junior year abroad in France and when I woke up, I still didn't have plans, but I was on my own. No one was around to do anything for me and I thought, okay, today's my day. I'm going to take the day off class. I walked through town with a big smile on my face. I bought myself a birthday gift, a fancy bottle of French perfume that I couldn't afford on my student budget, but I'd always wanted. And then that night I had some, you know, student friends over for cake. I ended up having the best birthday of my life up to that point because I took charge of it and made it what I wanted to be. And those two birthdays almost back to back showed me the difference between being passive and outsourcing your joy for others to do for you versus taking charge of your day and doing what you can do for yourself. Big difference between those two birthdays and that woke me up to the power of taking charge of your birthdays and making it be what you want it to be so that you can actually have a happy day.

Angie Mizzell (05:21)

Yes, I love this. And it's interesting to compare, contrast our 18th birthdays because I know that I always had parties growing up, but it was on my 18th birthday that a tradition started with my mom who called me in college and she started calling me on my birthday, like the minute I was born. So like 6 37 in the morning. And then my friends, my next door neighbors, who had just met me, but knew I was feeling a little homesick, I'm turning 18, they had put a banner on my dorm room door. So when I came out, it was like streamers. And that was really lovely and it matched, I think how I've always felt about my birthday, that it was special, it should be honored and acknowledged. But what I was thinking about after reading your story is,

It can also create an expectation around what we think other people are supposed to do for us. And I've learned this as I've gotten older that I'm in charge of my day. If I think it's that important, is it really fair to be putting expectations on other people? So this is why I wanted to dive into this topic.

Tamar (06:57)
Exactly.

Angie Mizzell (07:02)
you have said that it is, it's a spiritual day. Like this is more than people showing us that they love us or us doing something fun, which that's part of it. It is just acknowledging that it's a personal holiday, that it is our day and there's a significance to it that is deeper than us simply turning a year older. Can you tell us, talk more about that?

Tamar (07:27)
Yeah,

that's right. mean

You know, Our birthday, the day we were born, represents the day we left our spirit form and became human. And I can think of nothing more spiritual than honoring that day every year. That is the day we began our lives. We're all miracles. The fact that we're here at all is a miracle. Each individual person is a miracle. And so to honor the day we came into this life, we are very much in alignment, spiritually in alignment on our birthdays, you know, very much in alignment with our spiritual source. And when we tap into that,

that

and open up to it. is amazing what kind of energy can flow that is more spiritual. That is not about the party balloons or the gifts, but the feeling, right? The transformative joy that can come, the magic, the miracles, you know, the little signs and signals that can come to you, whether it's on the radio or a hummingbird suddenly appearing and you haven't seen one all season and it means something to you or just just if you're open to the gifts that the spiritual gifts that can come to you on your birthday, they are there for you. And it's a very

powerful day where you get to not just be in alignment, fully in alignment with the source of your spirit and sort of who you are in that spiritual way, but also to ask yourself, know, who am I in this lifetime? Am I fulfilling my potential? Am I doing what I am? Am I fulfilling my purpose? Am I doing what I want to be doing? And really to have it be a reflective moment like a personal New Year where you get to ask yourself, am I living the life I want to be living? And if I'm not, what's one thing I can do in the coming year?

to shift closer towards that life I want to be living, right? I'm not talking about the gym membership, you the New Year's resolutions where we go to the gym and two weeks later we stop. I'm talking about the big stuff. Like, am I fulfilled in my life? That's a really big question. Some of us are, some of us aren't. Some of us are and aren't, right? And so use your birthday as a portal through which you have that conversation with yourself ⁓ from a sacred spiritual place and let yourself dream of what's possible and let yourself think about what you can do to

help make that happen in the coming year.

Angie Mizzell (09:31)
I was telling you about my mom. So my mom passed away right before my 50th birthday, which I celebrated last year. And...

There's two things going on. One, first birthday without my mom and also your 50th birthday where what am I going to do? It's my 50th birthday and I was going back and forth between this should be a big celebration and maybe it doesn't have to be a big celebration to be special, but I was feeling pressure months leading up. What are we going to do for the 50th birthday? It was also on a Monday, but I do think things

came together well in that, first of all, that morning I decided I'm gonna go to the gym first thing in the morning. I never go at 5.30 in the morning, but I felt like I wanted to be finishing my workout right as the time shifted to my birthday. And at the end of class, a song started playing that I felt like it was like a message from my mom. In fact, it's kind of funny, but I was thinking about my mom.

50 years ago in the delivery room. And the song was, Hey Look Ma, I Made It. But I was like on the treadmill kind of laughing and crying

And then when I got in the car, I was like, I'm gonna turn 50 in my car, driving home. I didn't really think this through. I rolled the windows down and I thought I turned it to a radio station that my mom always listened to.

Tamar (10:56)
hahahaha

Angie Mizzell (11:07)
and there was a commercial on and I was like, but right when the clock turned my birthday time, the commercial ended and it was Cindy Lauper's girls just want to have fun. And I really felt like, I mean, this could be one of those things where people are like, you're making it mean something because you need it to mean something. But I felt it as a message, a spiritual message that this is your day. Have fun.

Tamar (11:18)
⁓

Angie Mizzell (11:35)
So we can talk more about the parties and different things, but I would say just in this past year, I really started to feel the spiritual significance of our birthday and why it matters and why it's important

So I'm just really glad that you're bringing this piece of it to the conversation.

Tamar (11:57)
Yeah, and you know, I'm very moved by your story because I just said, I didn't know your story. And I had just said that when we open up to it, the signs and signals will come. And they did for you. They did. I mean, right at 6 37, it shifted to the song Girls Just Want To Have Fun. What a gift. What a message. And yes, if we're not having fun in life.

You know, let's try and have some more right? Life should be many things, but if we can have fun for able to have fun, let's generate as much joy as we can while we're here in this life. Why not? So birthdays can be fun and joyful, but so can our life. And I feel like sometimes we're so weighed down with these with the responsibilities of life or the grief of the collective trauma right of the world that we don't allow ourselves to actually enjoy the lives we have. And many of us have knock on wood good lives. And so how can we amplify our joy to raise that vibration?

in the world. How can we raise more positive energy in the world by actually ⁓ enhancing the positive energy in our life? And the birthday gives us an opportunity to do that. And so yes, it is a very spiritual day. And I love that you made some choices. It sounds like you didn't have plans for your 50th birthday. You woke up and you decided to go to the gym before your birthday actually kicked in, or did you actually have plans?

Angie Mizzell (13:02)
Bye.

I ended up having plans, but how I was gonna spend the day, that part was sort of mine to create.

Tamar (13:16)
Yeah.

Angie Mizzell (13:17)
I ended up having a party and I felt so moved that people came on a Monday to show up for a happy hour at this beautiful pool club

I was looking at it all through a lens of gratitude and these are people who will show up for you and care about you. But I was feeling like I want to be spending this quality time with everybody in this room. And it's hard to do that when you're the center of attention and not everybody in the room knows each other. But it also made me think maybe this is why people feel so conflicted about their birthdays and how to celebrate.

Tamar (13:42)
Yeah.

Angie Mizzell (13:53)
because there's so many social dynamics to it, you know? So, but I ended, overall it was a beautiful day.

Tamar (13:58)
you

It sounds

like it and I'm happy for you that it was, especially dealing with the grief of your mother not being there for the first time. She was there for you spiritually. That's another thing that's beautiful about the spiritual power of birthdays is on my birthday, I feel the spirit. My parents died ⁓ within the past five years and I feel their spirit so strongly on my birthday. I feel their love. feel their light and I feel their spirit on their birthdays. And so, you know, I'm getting emotional just even thinking about it because the love is so pure in there and our birthdays really allow us to

Angie Mizzell (14:07)
That's absolutely true.

Tamar (14:29)
receive it and be present for it. ⁓ But I do want to say that, you know, social dynamics, you know, we're very sensitive on our birthdays. We're very sensitive. We are there to be the center of attention. We're there to receive the love and good energy. But we're also, you know, a of us are people pleasers. A lot of us tune into other people's feelings. They want to make sure they're OK, which is all fine. But when it's your birthday, it's really about you. And so I had a birthday once ⁓ I was turning 41 and ⁓

I had a bunch of people over, you know, from work, my neighbors, my best friends. And some people didn't know. Some people just showed up independent of knowing anybody else. I actually felt this hostess pressure to be welcoming and to engage in conversation, which is fine. That's the way I am as a hostess. But it wasn't, you know, it wasn't a Fourth of July barbecue. It was my birthday. And on your birthday, you don't want to be doing the emotional work to support other people. You want to just surrender and receive and be in the center of your own.

bubble, right, and receiving all the good energy. Not that you can't be a giving, loving, kind person on your birthday, but you're so sensitive that you're tuning into other people's experiences. And my experience was that it made me anxious actually on my birthday, like, she's not talking to anybody. But I want to talk to my, you know, and I wasn't talking to my best friends. They were the last people I was speaking with because I wanted to give attention to the people that came in from other parts of my life that I wasn't so close to. So I learned that year like, OK, got it.

Angie Mizzell (15:37)
Mm-hmm.

Tamar (15:52)
When I turned 50, I had a lovely party, it was just my family and best friends and everybody knew each other and I could relax because everybody knew and loved each other. That was wonderful. Or I'll just have a dinner party with like, you know, four of us.

Angie Mizzell (15:58)
Right.

It seems like my kids, so my oldest is now 19, my youngest is 13, but they all figured this out. They knew this as children because I was bringing what I would call party pressure. Like, it's your birthday. We have to acknowledge you because we're celebrating. It's worth celebrating.

And I'm always like the more the merrier. if you invite this person, you need to invite that person because we don't want people to feel left out. But that was creating stress. And as they got a little bit older and could really communicate, I started to shift to we truly do what they want to do, I let them plan it.

But I also notice, that it creates some conflict in

if I just do what they tell me to do, have I done my part? Like, should I be doing something extra? You know, it's like there's this weird pressure of even how to acknowledge people that you care about on their birthdays.

Tamar (17:05)
Yeah,

for sure. a lot of people, you know, we actually self-sabotage our birthday joy, birthday blues, birthday anxiety.

Self-sabotage is a thing. It's actually chapter two of my book because a lot of us go through that. Sometimes we'll tell people, I don't want anything. I don't want cake. I don't want a big deal. But really, we actually do want you to give us cake and to make a big deal. And when we say, no, no, I don't want anything, we're self-sabotaging. We're shutting ourselves down well in advance to any joy we could have by being vulnerable and open to people coming to celebrate us. The problem typically is that when we've been vulnerable and open in the past and hopeful and expecting of others to show up for

us and then they don't. Boy, that can really shut us down and keep us shut down. so then birthdays forevermore are not happy times. They're times of disappointment. So I don't want anything. Don't even bother. Right. So there's some some deeper psychological subconscious stuff at play around our birthdays. I'm sure a lot of your listeners can can maybe hear themselves in that as well. And and if they are, let me promise you there's hope. You know, you can shift out of that dynamic to have an open, delightful, happy birthday experience. But as a parent, I think it is important

Angie Mizzell (17:59)
Mm-hmm.

Tamar (18:12)
to help guide your children into birthday positive experiences where they get to choose what they want to do. And when they're very young, you know, just say your birthday is coming up, which friend, which friend would you like to go? Maybe we can go ice skating or maybe we can go to the movies or like, what would you like to do? Or if they want more and include more, but you don't have to overwhelm them with so much. mean, I remember being a kid with all the birthday parties and stuff, and I remember crying at my sixth birthday party. I was, you know, some stuff had happened and it was like I took myself away and started crying. And because it was

whatever, I don't need to go into the story, you know, there's they can be hard. They can be hard. So I think following your child's lead, some kids don't like to be the center of attention. They're more introverts. That's fine. Maybe they have a creative birthday. Maybe you go to one of those ceramic studios where they paint their own ceramic and fire it. And that's their birthday mug for the coming year. I mean, there's all sorts of ways that you can work with your child's natural spirit and inclination and personality to support them having a positive experience. I think it is important, especially for young children,

we're such a consumer society and it's so much about gifts and cake and all that, have some spiritual moments with your child in the morning appropriate for their age and maybe like you know wake up and you go sit in the garden and

And today's your birthday and it's so special because that's the day you joined our family. We're so excited by that. We're so grateful for you. Here's three things about you I love so much. You what are three things you love about your life? What are three things you're grateful for? And help them shift into a more, you know, like an attitude of gratitude really that helps touch the heart and open the spirit so that as they go on through their day, it wasn't just about the party and the cake and the presents, but that there was something more meaningful that anchored their morning. And I think that that's important even for us as

adults. I write ⁓ in my book about starting your day with a spiritual moment. It doesn't have to take long. But when you wake up, have your coffee in the garden, do your yoga journal. sit on birthday Eve. Birthday Eve is a thing, just like Christmas Eve is a thing. mean, think of Christmas Eve, right? It's a thing. So it's your birthday Eve. And so, you know, for me and what I do and what I recommend is put up a happy birthday sign on, know, decorate your house put up a birthday altar with flowers and

Angie Mizzell (20:12)
Mm-hmm.

Tamar (20:22)
crystals

and photos of yourself from childhood and your parents and whatever you want. Decorate a space in your home devoted to you and what you want to manifest maybe in the coming year and in the morning of my birthday I sit in front of my birthday altar, I light a candle, I have some quiet moments with myself, I'm grateful for the life I'm living and I tune into my spirit and I allow myself to ground myself into my spiritual presence so that as my day unfolds whatever my activities are I'm present with myself. The years that I didn't do that where I just woke up and jumped in

to my birthday activities, because my days are pretty packed with activities, ⁓ I felt like I was missing the bus. Like, wait, where am I? I couldn't find myself because I hadn't grounded within to begin the day.

Angie Mizzell (21:03)
What are some of the things that we've touched on it to an extent, but things that make us feel disconnected from our birthdays and have negative associations around turning another year older. I mean, clearly that's part of it, but it's always so deep and many layers to it.

Tamar (21:21)
I believe there's a spectrum that we're all on. We're birthday positive or birthday avoidant or somewhere in the middle. And we're all somewhere on that spectrum. And so a lot of us that are birthday avoidant that have the birthday blues that don't like our birthdays, typically, typically it comes from experiences rooted in childhood. I spoke with one podcast host and her birthday correlated with the opening of fishing season every year, more or less. And so her father would go fishing on her birthday.

It wouldn't he wouldn't prioritize her. And so the message she got as a very young child is that she didn't matter. Her birthday didn't matter. Other things are more important. And that can really shut you down from a very young age.

So something as simple but deep as that can can be a story that sticks with us. And so for those of us that don't like our birthdays and we're cringe, typically there's something there to look at from childhood. Typically, the other reason that a lot of us don't like having birthdays

⁓

Typically we're women. Typically we hit middle age or menopause. Sometimes they're the same thing and we feel like, uh-oh, I'm losing my youth. I'm losing my beauty. I'm losing my sex appeal. I'm becoming invisible. I don't recognize the person I'm turning into with the gray hair and the wrinkles and the body's changing and I don't want to admit that I'm getting older. That's not a good thing in society. And in our current society here in the United States of America, getting older is like a four letter world. Aging is a four letter word. And I'm here to say it's not.

I'm here to say that when we buy into that and when we self-deprecate,

about our age. We joke about our age like, well, I'm 59 and you know what that means. We're actually feeding a fire that needs to be put out. It is not OK for us to criticize ourselves or others for being older. is aging is a privilege. We all know people that didn't make it to our age. And if they did, would we criticize them for having wrinkles and gray hair and having a little saggy skin? Of course we wouldn't. We would be so happy they were still with us. So each year that we get to put another candle on the cake is a reason to celebrate because aging is

privilege and we're lucky to get another year. We're lucky to have another year of living in this life. So I just suggest that ⁓ we start to challenge the social norms that make us feel like we don't get to be older women. Again, I'm 59 and a half, right? And I'm proud of that half. I will be 60 in January. I have nothing to fear about that. I have nothing to be ashamed about for that. I mean, the only thing that happens as we age, which is true, there's two things that happen. The body starts to change, aches and pains and creaks start

Angie Mizzell (23:37)
you

Tamar (23:50)
showing up that you don't recognize. And also, you know, the visual changes happen pretty quickly. You know, it starts to speed up, right? The gray hair, the wrinkles, the sagging and, whatever choices we make about ourselves, whether we're going to accept what nature does to our bodies or not, that's our choice to make. But as we recognize the age showing up in the mirror, you know, we don't recognize that person. don't recognize, you know, I'm getting gray hair. I don't recognize myself with gray hair. I'm starting to get more comfortable with this person I see in the mirror with gray hair. I'm welcoming it, you know, but I don't

I'm having to start a new relationship with that person in the mirror as she changes before my eyes. And I have choices to make about it. I can either resist her and criticize her and be angry and upset that she's showing up or I can say, welcome, who are you? I'm excited to meet you and see what you turn into as we age. I actually am excited about getting older and changing and looking like an old lady. I want to look like an old lady. don't, I don't know what I'm going to look like. I know what I looked like as a young woman. What am I going to look like as an 80 year old? If I make it to that age, you know, am going to have white hair?

Angie Mizzell (24:23)
you

Tamar (24:50)
wrinkles like Georgia O'Keeffe. That sounds pretty cool to me. You know, I'm curious to see what nature has in store for me.

Angie Mizzell (24:56)
I definitely get the concept that you address in your book that our birthdays are our responsibility. do we ask for what we want from other people? Do we give space to be surprised or are we setting ourselves up for disappointment if we leave it open?

How do we deal with other people and the actual celebration?

Tamar (25:20)
Great question. Really good question because it's complicated. Right. So on one hand we're supposed to take charge but on the other hand we want other people to show up for us. And so both can be true. So for instance I'm turning 60. My husband and I are going to go on a 10 week trip to India to celebrate my 60th. Super excited about that. But prior to that we're going to be in New York City. And I told my husband I want to have a dinner party a few days earlier with my New York friends. And I want I want to be at a nice restaurant and you get to figure out the rest. Right. So he and my brother

are figuring out where we're going and what we're doing but I was very clear what I wanted. I wanted the party with this group of people and I wanted a nice restaurant. Now my husband knows what I like he knows what food I like and so there's there's that way of like you can surprise me after I've told you what I want right. Another example is like okay will you please you know I'm having a party I'm having a barbecue for my birthday will you please bring me the cake and so here's the flavors I love here's the three flavors I love here's the two flavors I don't like go ahead and surprise me.

creating some structure that you're letting people know what would please you, but they get to choose how to please you.

Angie Mizzell (26:26)
Yes. So what are your thoughts about surprise parties? And I wonder if, you know, there could be a trap where people are kind of hoping for a surprise, but then you've kind of ruined your own surprise by hoping for a surprise. They're complicated. Surprise parties.

Tamar (26:39)
Yeah, you know, they are complicated.

I think it depends. You know, if you have a, if you're, if you're partnered with somebody, it might be wise to have a conversation at some point.

early enough in your relationship, say, just so you know, I'm not asking for it this year or next year, but one day in my life, I would love to have a surprise party. So I'm just letting you know that now and I'm never going to say it again. And I hope it happens at least once. So you can say something like that so that you're not getting in your own way. So if you really don't want a surprise party and some people really don't, you get to say, Hey, partner, I really never want a surprise party in my life. So be very clear about that because that can really trigger people. And we don't the last thing we want to do is think we're doing something great.

and hurt someone on their birthday. I was really frustrated. One of my best friends was turning 40 and we were having a surprise party for her and her mother spilled the beans, which is like how? I mean, I really questioned the relationship the mother had with the daughter. Like, do you resent your daughter? Do you not want her to have joy? Like, what's the subconscious impetus for spilling the beans? And it upset me because it's so hard to make a surprise party happen, you know? So I just feel like if you're part of a surprise party, honor it for what

what it is and contain it. It's hard to keep surprises, actually. It is, it's a weird phenomenon. So only tell people that need to know. It is, it is. Yeah, yeah.

Angie Mizzell (27:52)
It really is.

Right, and it's super fun when you can pull it off, like you said, and especially if it's received well by the person. And it seems

like if you're throwing a party for the person, you need to be thinking about all aspects of it so that they don't feel overwhelmed, you know, by the guest list or just even the environment. So.

Tamar (28:10)
That's right, that's right.

And I just

want to say that if you don't have a partner living with you in life, that's okay. You probably have a best friend or you have colleagues, you have people close to you, family members, you can communicate to them what your wishes would be.

Angie Mizzell (28:25)
when in your journey did you realize this is something I actually want to write a book about? I'm doing some deeper thought into this that I feel like the lessons I'm learning need to be shared with others. Tell us a little bit more about that.

Tamar (28:40)
Yeah, so since I turned 20 and had that good birthday experience in France, I started, you know, having good birthdays ever since.

practicing having a good birthday, planning for it as if it's a major holiday. I you got to plan for it. Just like you don't wake up on Thanksgiving and say, OK, what's for dinner and who's coming? You have to plan at least a month in advance so that you can have that restaurant reservation or have your friends join you by the pool for happy hour. Right. So planning in advance matters. But for me, ⁓ even though I've been tracking my birthdays from the age of 20, it was actually when I was in my ⁓ probably late 30s or early 40s. Doesn't matter. was years ago.

I am.

I had a new friend and I knew he, you know, I go, your birthday is coming up. He's like, I go, what are you doing? He's like, oh, I don't like my birthdays. Okay. So when his birthday came, I thought he was just dimming down his energy because people didn't show up for him. So I showed up with a big, beautiful box of donuts. Happy birthday. And you know what he did? He slammed his hand on the table and said, I told you, I don't like my birthdays. And he got mad at me and it was like, wow, he means it. Like he means it. A box of donuts isn't going to undo that for him.

And it should have. And so I walked out of there with the donuts, you know, and I just thought, wow, there's something up. I mean, I remember literally thinking something's up and that got my wheels turning. And I started thinking about my own birthday experiences with much more consciousness. I started thinking about the birthday experiences of people I knew. I started talking to people and I realized, you know what, there's a self-help book here. There is a self-help book here on how to have a happy birthday. And so that was that was the crystallizing moment for me.

Angie Mizzell (30:18)
You bring up something important there and that is this balance where we have to take what people say at face value, but in the back of our minds, we are questioning what they're saying and sometimes it takes a situation like that to realize, ⁓ they were telling me the truth.

And I do think as I'm getting older, especially like I said with my kids, I am trying to do a better job at taking what people say at face

Tamar (30:48)
I had to figure that out for myself as well. And there's even a story, I have little anecdotes in my book, there's even a story of, I think it was a 17 year old girl who, you know, her best friend's like, oh, it's your birthday, what are you doing? Can I come over? And I'm like, no, no, no. And the friend really wanted her friend to come over and wanted her to take her away from her misery, but honored her wishes, right? So bottom line is we need to honor the wishes of the people who are saying no.

Angie Mizzell (30:51)
Yeah.

Tamar (31:14)
We need to honor their wishes. This is their journey, it's not ours. We're there to support them, we're say, hey, I love you, happy birthday, this is my day to give you extra bright energy, and so I wanna help you celebrate, but if you're not up for it, I can't do that for you. I can just do it for myself, or support the people close to me who want some support. So you have to just tune in and let people have their own reality on their birthdays. if prior to their birthday, however, if you know somebody who's close to you you feel comfortable,

Angie Mizzell (31:17)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Tamar (31:44)
See my book, How to Have a Happy Birthday and the workbook that goes with it. They're great birthday gifts to give about six weeks before a person's birthday so that they can read the book and hopefully put it into play for the birthday that's about to come because there's a lot in there that can help people heal from their birthday sadness and their birthday blues and start shifting into this idea like maybe I actually do deserve to have a happy birthday and it becomes something you practice, right? I spoke with somebody who had read an early copy

of my book and after reading it did not like her birthdays and after reading it she said okay well after reading your book I've decided I'm gonna buy myself a cake a cake I thought great yay and then the next year I wished her a happy birthday she said yeah this year I had my family over for a barbecue I'm like yay and then this past year she's like you know what I've come to realize that my birthday is a special day and I felt so gratified but it also showed me that it did take several a couple years of her going

through practicing, being open to having a positive birthday experience for her to fully bloom into the potential of the day that we all have equally. No matter who we are and where we live, we all have one 24-hour day a year to put ourselves into the center of our life and celebrate ourselves and the life we are living because we all deserve to have that experience and celebration.

Angie Mizzell (33:06)
You said this earlier about you have a birthday eve and so your birthday is like a three day experience. Wouldn't you say? Because isn't there like an off ramp also? So it's.

Tamar (33:09)
Yeah.

Exactly, exactly. Well, think of Christmas.

I mean, the day, know, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after Christmas. So same with birthdays. The day the day before your birthday energy builds.

mean, your birthday energy starts building actually even the month before, but you start feeling it in the days and then the birthday, eve, birthday day and the day after your birthday is a time to reflect and integrate the birthday experience from the day before. It's like, you you shook up the snow globe on your birthday. Well, the day after your birthday, the snow gets to settle and you get to think about what worked, what didn't, what you'd want to do for next year. And so I recommend that you don't schedule anything important the day after your birthday. You don't need that that important.

appointment schedule. You don't need that big presentation scheduled if you can control that. Try and keep the day after your birthday calm and clear so that you can actually enjoy your birthday because if you have a big presentation the day after your birthday you're going to be thinking about it on your birthday. That's just human nature. So try and give yourself that three day period to really really ⁓ enjoy. But your birthday is the day. I just want to be clear about that. Even if you you mentioned your turn 50 on a Monday sometimes people would have wanted to have their party on a Saturday.

like a couple days before and you could have done that and that would have been nice but Monday you still needed to celebrate your birthday right I'm happy you had your birthday party on the Monday it was totally in alignment with your day and that to me is perfect.

Angie Mizzell (34:42)
Now you have not always had a happy birthday. You're writing your book about, there was one year in particular where there was some tragedy and a lot of sadness and grief in your family. And obviously this is gonna happen to us at some point in our lives where we don't feel happy on our birthday for reasons that have nothing to do with our history of birthdays. Just something has happened. What do we do then?

Tamar (35:09)
You know, every birthday is going to be different.

because there's going to be, there might be personal tragedy like happened to me when I turned 51 or, you know, regional tragedy. This past year, the LA fires were burning on my birthday and I have family in LA. They had bags packed ready to flee. So, you know, there was a serious, ⁓ you know, heavy energy weighing down on my birthday experience and I knew that. And when my birthday eve came and I started creating the altar, I felt it and I ended up ⁓ writing about it. I put a little blog out on my social media, like, you

know, the fires are burning. My birthday Eve is here and the fires are burning and my energy is it's pain. My heart is heavy, right? And that's real. So every year a birthday you don't you can't control what will happen. You can only do your best to show up and plan for your birthday experience. And then when stuff happens, you just deal with it. You just deal with it because that's life and have compassion, allow mercy and grace to come in, allow your tears to flow. And some birthdays are going to be more difficult than others. But what I do recommend is don't let the pain of a past birthday keep you from having

joy on future birthdays. I know people whose birthdays were on 9-11 and they think ⁓ 9-11 it's like yeah 9-11 happened and it was a tragedy for the nation and for people personally but you're still allowed to have a happy birthday on 9-11 it's okay right?

Angie Mizzell (36:25)
Yeah.

So some people have birthdays on holidays.

and people are distracted busy there's other things going

What do we do if our birthday is on a holiday?

Tamar (36:34)
Sometimes that's a harder situation to be in. know, on one level, you know, if you're born on Christmas or on New Year's Day, there's something really cool about that, like the alignment. ⁓ But at the same time, all those birthday parties you go to it every other day of the year where all the friends are showing up and they're not showing up for years because it's Christmas and they're all traveling to see their family. They're not in town or it's New Year's and they're all going off and doing something else. Yeah, that sucks. I admit that that's hard. However, it doesn't mean you don't get to have an equally joyful birthday. You just have to be more creative.

and figure out what will bring you joy and how can you structure that joy into your day. If you share a birthday with baby Jesus right on Christmas and let's think about it by the way what is Christmas? Christmas is the biggest holiday in the year, biggest holiday of the year in the United States and it's a birthday celebration right? We're celebrating someone's birthday so if your you know if your birthday aligns with a holiday like that ⁓ you carve out space in your own life and in your own home. Let's say you celebrate Christmas and you have Christmas

Angie Mizzell (37:05)
Hmm.

Tamar (37:34)
decorations put up your birthday decorations and put them up a week early right not just the night before go ahead and and start to you know elbow your way into the the space so that your birthday energy gets equal equal if not even more ⁓ more presents depending on your family situation your home situation what you're doing but you just have to be more creative and for those of you that have birthdays on new years

or Christmas and you want to have birthday parties like a 50th, go ahead and have it a few weeks before. That's OK. Go ahead and have it leading up to your birthday, not after but leading up and then go ahead and let your birthday be something special. Do you want to date the spa? Do you want to go on a fabulous hike with a couple of close friends or family members? Do you want to bake yourself an amazing cake that's going to take you eight hours? You know, mean, what is it that you want? Do you want to be creative and make a birthday collage? you want figure out what you want to do for yourself that can bring joy and satisfaction?

And you're gonna have to just break away from this idea that you get to have what everybody else gets to have on their birthday because that's just not how it lines up because your friends typically aren't as available.

Angie Mizzell (38:34)
And when you think of the birthday, which again is what I love about your message and your book, it's a personal experience, it's a spiritual experience, and it's our day. It really is an opportunity to be reflective on purpose and kind of do what you want to do. And sometimes it takes time to figure out, what is that? And I do like you have this workbook.

Tamar (38:52)
Yeah.

Angie Mizzell (39:02)
that goes along with the book and it seems to be asking questions that run deeper than the birthday, as you said. You really are taking an inventory of where you are. And sometimes we save that for January 1st, like all this New Year's energy, but it's our personal new year. Yeah.

Tamar (39:09)
for sure, for sure.

Exactly, exactly.

It is. Your birthday is your personal New Year and it's very personal. It's not about the world in review of the past year. It's about you.

It's about your past year. It's about your coming year. And yes, this workbook has a lot of deep questions to help you start to figure out and unravel what some of your birthday pain might be, what some of your birthday hopes might be. There's some questions there about aging. One of my favorite questions, two of them actually in the book are, what do I think I'm losing or what have I lost as I've gotten older that I no longer have from the younger version of myself? Because that's a very valid question that has truth to it. But the following question asks, what do I now have?

as an older person that I did not have as a younger person. Because that is the point, something's lost and something's gained, right, in every year that we age. And so what is it? And let's take inventory and let's have our eyes open and our hearts open so that we can be open to ourselves every year when our birthday comes around and realize that we are sacred, beautiful, miraculous beings, and we deserve to celebrate ourselves just one day a year.

Angie Mizzell (40:25)
That's right, we do. Thank you so much Tamar How can people find you and find your book so that they can start gifting this to other people and also figure out for themselves how to have a happy birthday?

Tamar (40:39)
You can go to my website. It's called how to have a happy birthday dot com. So you can find the books available on Amazon Barnes and Noble wherever books are sold. The workbooks on Amazon specifically. But how to have a happy birthday dot com will take you there. I also have an audio book and e-book. I am I've hung my shingle as a birthday coach. So if anybody wants ⁓ a birthday coaching session I'm available for that as well. And you can also find me on Instagram and Facebook. And again how to have a happy birthday dot com will get you in touch with me.

Angie Mizzell (41:09)
Sounds great and I really appreciate you being a guest on my show leading up to my own birthday and I will be sure to have a happy birthday. A lot of insights that you've shared with us. So thank you so much for being here.

Tamar (41:24)
Thanks so much for welcoming me, Angie. It was my pleasure.

Angie Mizzell (41:27)
Thank you for listening to More Like You. And I wanna let you know that I am still processing and writing about my...

birthday experience this year. I'm still reflecting upon that and I'm going to share my thoughts and reflections in this week's Hello Friday. Hello Friday is my weekly newsletter. I send it out almost every week on a Friday. It's a weekly dose of inspiration and encouragement.

delivered right to your inbox. So if you want to join my newsletter

to angiemizzell.com/subscribe to sign up for Hello Friday. And if you like this episode, I really do hope that you'll subscribe, leave a review, share it with a friend, and anytime you have something to share, please tag me. I love to engage with the people who are reading and listening.

I love using these conversations to help build community and connection. For me, that's what it's all about. So thanks again for listening to More Like You and I'll see you back here next week.