E24: "I'm Sorry I Cremated You" with Jaclyn Michelle Smith

When I read "I’m Sorry I Cremated You" by Jaclyn Michelle Smith, I instantly connected with her story. Her memoir captures the heartbreak, humor, and healing that come with caring for a parent with dementia and grieving the loss of both parents.

In this episode, Jaclyn and I talk about what it’s really like to love and care for aging parents while trying to hold on to your own life. She shares how improv comedy became her unexpected therapy, what it taught her about staying present, and how journaling through her dad’s final year led to a powerful book.

We also talk about the emotional gray areas of caregiving, boundaries, guilt, and grief—and how laughter sometimes shows up right beside the tears.

If you’ve ever been a caregiver, lost a parent, or wondered how to find yourself again after loss, this conversation will meet you right where you are.

Links:

Learn more about Jaclyn Michelle Smith and her memoir, "I'm Sorry I Cremated You," visit jaclynmichellesmith.com.

Sign up for my weekly newsletter Hello Friday at angiemizzell.com/subscribe.

Transcript

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (00:00)
It was exhausting.

Trying to maintain your life, and I don't have kids. I can't fathom how people do this with a family and children and caregiving for parents and all of that. It was enough just trying to keep my job,

towards the end of your parents' life, you watch them as they're kind of no longer your parent. you're more of the parent and to see your parent vulnerable like that, it's just, it's

Do anything that you can every single day, at least one thing, to spoil yourself or to make yourself happy.

happy because you need those little moments to get through.

Angie Mizzell (00:36)
Hi everyone, it's Angie. Welcome to More Like You. My guest today is Jaclyn Michelle Smith. She's the author of the memoir, I'm Sorry I Cremated You. Jaclyn's memoir illustrates the heartbreak and the hilarity that we experience when life thrusts us into a crisis. In Jaclyn's case, it was becoming her father's sole caregiver when his health took a nosedive. I didn't know Jaclyn before I read her book and had her on this podcast, but

When I was listening back to our conversation, I was struck by how it starts to feel like we have known each other for longer than just a few minutes. When Jaclyn shared her story,

It made me feel like I knew her because she brought me inside her life. And her story made me feel more seen and understood in what I have recently gone through with my mom. And that's also what I want to do with this podcast by bringing you into these conversations. Many of you will walk this path if you haven't already.

and Jaclyn's story is a gift to all of us. Listen in.

Angie Mizzell (01:42)
So Jaclyn thank you so much for being here today. I just finished reading your lovely book, I'm sorry I cremated you. And we were talking before the podcast started ⁓ about the personal connection I feel to your story and the relationship that you had with your parents. So we're gonna get into all of that, but let's start with a snapshot of what this memoir is about.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (02:04)
Yeah, so thank you for reading it by the way and for having me on I'm excited and it really is about in a nutshell losing my parents both of them it's focused a little bit more on my dad and the last year of his life which was a few years ago and during that difficult time he had dementia and it came on out of nowhere and he you know it was a really big struggle and

That year that he was dying, I discovered Improv Comedy at Theater 99, which was really life-changing for me, and it was really kind of a therapy for me, and I had no idea that was gonna be the case. And during this entire last year of his life, I kept a journal, and...

I kind of recorded everything I was feeling, much like in your book. I know you are a big journal person. So I kept a journal and I wrote everything down. And when he finally passed away, I looked at this journal and I thought...

There's so much sad in here, yes, but there's so many little funny things and there's so many things that people can relate to, just the beautiful messiness of life. And I decided I wanted to turn it into a book because it's something that most folks can relate to. And if they haven't gone through it, they will go through it.

Angie Mizzell (03:23)
There are two things about the book that I noticed structure wise. You went back and forth in time. It seemed like the chapters went to like present day story and past like the story of your childhood growing up and then they connected. I noticed that and then also each chapter was anchored in an improv lesson or theme. So let's talk a little bit about that decision and the parallel you notice between

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (03:45)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Angie Mizzell (03:52)
like your real life situation and learning improv comedy.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (03:57)
Improv was just, you know, I signed up for the intro level, level one improv class before my dad took a nosedive with his health and he actually was found in his home.

unresponsive the week that I was to start improv comedy lessons and which I believe that there are no coincidences in life that was supposed to happen at that time. I was supposed to discover improv at that time and I

I thought it was gonna be a bucket list thing that I was going to just check off, know, check that off. I took this intro class and it was a lot of fun. I had no idea it would teach me things and it would be a form of therapy to me.

it would be a way for me to get out of my head. The only way I could get out of my head was being on stage and having eyes on me like that, that you have to think so quickly in the moment and you have to be in that moment. And I was taken away from the hospital or the nursing home or wherever dad was at that moment. I was taken away and really living in another moment. And that's what was so beautiful about it.

Angie Mizzell (05:08)
How would you describe your relationship with your parents growing up? So you had a sibling, but the sibling was older, was a half sibling. you more or less were living at home as an only child. And how would you describe your relationship with your mom and dad?

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (05:25)
really close, possibly too close looking back at it.

I really kind of felt like an only child growing up because my brother was out of the house when I was five years old. He was 18 and he left home. I was extremely close to them, probably a little bit more codependent than I should have been. I remember going away to college and crying every single night on the phone to my parents for the entire freshman year that I was there just because I missed them so, so much. And then after college, they moved to Myrtle Beach while I was in

college and when I graduated college I wanted to be close to them. didn't know, you know, I didn't know where to go because I grew up in the Atlanta area but with my parents moving it didn't feel like home anymore when I finished college so I moved to Charleston 20, almost 25 years ago I think. I moved to Charleston and I did it to be closer to them but I didn't want to live in Myrtle Beach because you know.

Nobody wants to live in Myrtle Beach. I'm just kidding, it's a lovely place. But I chose Charleston so I could be close to them. And then I think that my adulthood is where I feel like I was a little too close to them.

My life really revolved around them and you know when my mom started getting sick in my 20s really when she really started getting more ill. You know my life was really about being in Myrtle Beach every weekend helping to care for her and my life revolved around them

Angie Mizzell (06:49)
You start the book explaining that you were, so your mom has passed is when the book has started at the beginning of the book. And that you had not been on good terms with your dad and it was because he was getting to a place where his health was failing but was refusing to really let you help him the way you felt like you could. And so you had to draw that line.

and then suddenly he's thrust into a health situation that you have no choice but to be there for them. So let's bring the listeners up to speed with just how the story started and then we'll go all over the place.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (07:27)
Mm-hmm. you know, he was showing, now that I am way more knowledgeable about dementia, he was showing some signs of dementia. I can look back now and say that, but I had him, I mean, had brain scan, I had tests done at the VA hospital and everything was coming back normal.

And he was just making really, really poor decisions. He wouldn't leave his home because my mom had been there and she passed, you know, in that home. That's where she had lived. He was so in love with her. He wouldn't leave the home. His health was getting worse and worse. He was all on his own. was, it was a bit of a hoarder situation at that point, honestly, and he would not allow me to help. And he broke his kneecap.

the Thanksgiving before the story starts and he ended up at my home.

only for a week because I couldn't care for, I physically couldn't care for him. I couldn't lift him, I couldn't bathe him. And I went looking and found a really, really wonderful assisted living facility where he would have freedom to leave and all that, but it would be close to me and I could be with him every day. It was here in Charleston. And the VA would pay for a majority of it, for most of it. And he refused to go to that.

point where his health and his decisions were starting to truly impact my life and my mental health. You know, I'd be at work and I'd be getting phone calls, honestly, once every couple weeks at least from the Surfside Beach Police Department where he was, with concerns from them. And I mean, it was just a mess. And so I finally told him when he was being released from the hospital in Charleston,

with the broken kneecap after he had recovered there for a while, but it was still broken. He still couldn't walk. And I said, if you choose to go home to Myrtle Beach like this, all by yourself, the next place you're going to end up is a nursing home or...

the grave and I can't watch you live like this so I'm not going to be able to be involved anymore if you choose this decision. Please don't choose this decision. Let's do this together here." And he chose to go home so the VA sent him home in an ambulance all the way back to Myrtle Beach and took him into his house on a stretcher because he couldn't walk and left him there. And I tried to remain outside like on the outside because I was like I can't be in

involved in this, it's awful, it's not right. So we weren't speaking. I was checking in on him occasionally, but we weren't speaking a whole bunch. And we did, I did try to get together with him for Christmas and he refused. And it was the only time in my life that we were not on good speaking terms. We've always pretty much been on good speaking terms, except for when I pierced my tongue in college. We were not on good speaking terms then. But other than that, we were very, you know, we were good. So it was

Angie Mizzell (10:18)
Mm-hmm.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (10:24)
heartbreaking

and then right after it was the first week of the new year when he was found in his home so and it was just like I said he and then he ended up in the hospital and then a nursing home and then the grave.

Angie Mizzell (10:30)
Yeah.

Right, and because you get this call and now you're in an emergency situation and when you have to rush to the hospital, this is right before he is in the nursing home, and they tell you that this is like full-blown dementia at this point that seemed to come on suddenly. But I was wondering, looking back now, hindsight always is different. How much of that behavior of just

being really adamant that he was gonna go home. Was that his personality? Do you think it was the illness, a combination of both?

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (11:09)
I think it was 50-50. He was a very stubborn and, if we're being honest, a pretty difficult man. So I think it was partially that, and I think it was exacerbated by the disease.

Yeah, I mean, he spent three months at Grand Strand Hospital in Myrtle Beach while they tried to figure out why he had a sudden case of advanced vascular dementia. They did everything. It was no stroke. They couldn't figure out why it came on so suddenly because when he woke up after being taken to the hospital, after being found unresponsive in his home, he didn't know what was going on, what year it was. It was just done.

And they think that, they say that in cases like this, lot of the time dementia or Alzheimer's can come to the surface really quickly if there is some sort of traumatic event. So the only thing we can think of is that perhaps that fall that he had, the Thanksgiving before, and then broke the kneecap and all, that could have been pretty physically traumatizing and that could be where it really started to come forward.

Angie Mizzell (12:09)
you

And suddenly your life literally changes overnight. And now you are practically living at the hospital and then your dad has moved into a nursing home and you are traveling back and forth because you still have a job but they're letting you work remotely also. But just give us a glimpse of what your life was like when you were thrust into this caregiver role that was very traumatic, no doubt.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (12:40)
It was exhausting. That is the one word I can't even, I mean, just above all the other words to describe a caregiving experience is just exhausting. Trying to maintain your life, and I don't have kids. I can't fathom how people do this with a family and children and caregiving for parents and all of that. It was enough just trying to keep my job, I felt like. I was a complete disaster. I was in Myrtle Beach.

for probably five days a week and I was living in a hotel because dad's home was a hoarder type situation and I couldn't stay there. I hadn't stayed there in years and I was at a hotel in Myrtle Beach for five days a week and then and this is why I say there's no coincidences.

every Sunday night was my improv class and I had paid for this improv class. I'm a very frugal person. So I was like, I have to make it to this improv class every Sunday night. And that class ended up being what got me back home once a week and got me to relax a little bit and be in my space and be with my kitties and you know what I mean? Like, um, decompress a little bit.

Angie Mizzell (13:54)
Mm-hmm.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (13:57)
and be home because if it hadn't been for that, I might not even come back home hardly ever. But I did, I came back every week for that class and it really got me through it. ⁓ But it was exhausting, it was just exhausting. was depressing and exhausting.

Angie Mizzell (14:05)
Yes.

Yeah,

you talk about in your story, did have a strong friend group and people who care about you. Your brother did come and he was there in moments. But you felt largely alone and you were alone a lot in this situation where it was on you.

Can you speak a little bit more about that? Like the emotional impact of watching your parents or a parent pass away and you feel alone in the world? Because I don't think there's anything that can prepare us for that.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (14:48)
There is nothing and you know that whole year though was honestly just gut-wrenching because dementia and Alzheimer's is cruel. It is simply cruel to watch my father

who is no longer my father. You know what I mean? Like all of a sudden this man, he knew me. I would say 99 % of the time he still knew me, but he didn't know anything else that was going on for the most part. And to watch, you know, they call it the long goodbye. It was really about 10 months, 11 months that I was saying goodbye to him for 10 to 11 months. When he actually died afterwards, I remember there weren't...

there weren't a ton of tears for me. I mean, in the moment, yes, and everything, but afterwards, just couldn't, I was like, am I blocked? Why am I not feeling this? Like I should be feeling this. And I'm very pro therapy. I have a therapist that I've seen for many years and she said, Jaclyn, you've been grieving this this entire year. And I was saying goodbye to him for almost a year. And it was just to watch your dad like that. And most people go through this.

Not necessarily the dementia or Alzheimer's. They say one in three people will have dementia or Alzheimer's. But you know, towards the end of your parents' life, you watch them as they're kind of no longer your parent. You know what I mean? Like you're more of the parent and to see your parent vulnerable like that, it's just, it's heartbreaking. It's awful.

Angie Mizzell (16:21)
Yes.

That

was something I could really connect with. We were talking beforehand about ⁓ a month after my book came out. my mom's been gone about a year. So one month after my book came out, her health took a nosedive. And so suddenly I'm thrust into a similar situation, except that I did have my stepdad and we would split shifts. But

whatever happened to her, which is still sort of this puzzle that I'm still trying to put together, which just sort of seems like a body shutting down for a million reasons. She went into this, what they could only describe as like a hospital induced delirium. So for many, many months, she knew who I was, but she wasn't.

and you had to, she couldn't process what was happening and asking the same questions over and over again and being very difficult to deal with. And so part of it is like watching and helping the staff and asking questions and just making sure that she was getting the care she needed. So that in and of itself is just a lot. So I could really feel that. And I feel like you described those moments well.

There was a moment in your story where I burst into tears when it was your birthday and you were so down because you were not getting this call. You were convinced you were not going to hear from your dad. And then all of a sudden the phone rings. It's a nurse, I believe, and says your dad, somebody wants to speak to you. so tell us about that conversation when you get this surprise phone call.

from your dad on your birthday.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (18:05)
Yeah, that was so special. My birthday was in June and we were really smack dab in the middle of this dementia journey and dad's health being horrific. I had moved him at that point into a veterans nursing home. It's called the Veterans Victory House in Walterboro, South Carolina. And which is a wonderful, crazy place full of veterans. Sweet,

veterans.

You know, he had been there. I think he had been in the nursing home for maybe a month or two at that point. Putting him in the nursing home, that day was one of the worst days of my entire life. That was a really horrific day. He literally went in kicking and screaming. That was his biggest fear in life, was going into a nursing home, and I felt I had no choice. I couldn't care for him properly. So by the time my birthday rolls around in June, again, I'm exhausted. I'm just exhausted. I have no desire to spend time with friends

I don't have that energy to go do something for my birthday at this point and then to top it off, you know, I've been a

I've been a mom and dad's little girl my whole life, so close to my parents and it really dawned on me that day that it was going to be the first birthday of my life where I didn't have a parent wish me happy birthday because there was no way that man was remembering my birthday at this point. And then I get a call and so I told my friends I didn't want to I didn't want to go celebrate that night and then I get a call from the nursing home from the nurse and she said your dad wants to speak to you and she put

on the phone and and he said um I just want to wish you a happy birthday I love you so much this is the happiest day of my life when you were born and I just couldn't believe this and I knew somebody had to have done something like there was no way this happened organically and I had a suspicion that it was one of my best friends Sarah and it ended up it was she confessed to me much later that she had called the nursing home and said please have her dad call her on her birthday

I know, I know it's just so sweet. ⁓ but

Angie Mizzell (20:11)
That is so,

it's very touching and it meant so much to you in that moment and then later to find that someone who really cared for you really helped facilitate that. But I did go through this period of watching my mom and again she knew who I was but the relationship had changed because she was in this delirium.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (20:14)
Yeah.

Angie Mizzell (20:34)
And then I feel like the past, the last two months of her life, we started to notice she was a little more with it and she started to get more serene, which you can see now it's because the end was getting near, but I felt like at the end I got her back. But as she was sort of coming back, there were periods of she knew it was me, but she thought we were in a different time.

Like I was in, I was a senior in high school and she understood that I was coming to the hospital, but she suddenly was like, aren't you, why aren't you at school? And who's taking care of you? And it was so heartbreaking. And so I just, that was such a touching moment in the book where you just got a glimpse of the way it was and the relationship that you had.

We've talked about the sad things, but there are these humorous moments in the book. And what really struck me so funny, there were funny moments, but was at the funeral when just the song that was being sung just suddenly seemed so ridiculous to you and you couldn't stop laughing. I've only had this experience once, my husband and I, when we were younger. We were awful at weddings.

We would be like, we're going to be OK unless there's a singer. And if there's a singer, because sometimes the singers aren't good.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (21:56)
⁓ my god.

and you would have a laughing attack?

Angie Mizzell (22:03)
and trying not to have anybody know. So we're just like our ears are about to burst, you know, because we're just holding our breath and like looking down and, but we, it's like, if we let air escape, if we exhale, we're going to lose it. So basically we were laughing inside of ourselves and kind of shaking like this. Yes. So, but it seems like when you started laughing, people noticed.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (22:27)
you guys.

Angie Mizzell (22:28)
How did this play out?

I just really wanted to hear you talk about this.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (22:32)
It was so bad and I really I really think it was one of those things I think it was a form of a emot I think my emotions were coming out in a different form, know instead of crying it was coming out as laughter Which I guess is what I needed in that moment to survive my dad's celebration of life

But yeah, I just was so tickled by the song that was being sung because it was so over the top to me. I'm not a deeply religious person. I would consider myself a spiritual person. But this song was so deeply religious and it just cracked me up. And then it was the absurdity of the entire situation compounding with it. And it was...

the fact that the trumpet player that had just come through, because it was a veteran funeral, so the trumpet player came and presented the flag and all, and I had discovered that he wasn't actually playing the trumpet, that it was a recording, because there's not enough trumpet players now for all the Baby Boomer deaths. It's terrible. So,

It was just all of it and then I absolutely lost it and was laughing hysterically and could not stop and then I looked at my boyfriend at the time who was sitting next to me and he started and you know when somebody else joins you in that moment then it's over.

Like you cannot stop and we could not stop and at that point I was Trying to pretend like I was crying. I was like, ⁓ you know, I mean it was awful I felt so bad and it was the guy singing. He's the most wonderful man He was one of my dad's closest friends And so I felt even even worse about that

Angie Mizzell (24:13)
Well, the comic relief, the humor, mixed up with the heartbreak, it makes so much sense in the context of everything that you had been through. And there were a lot of stories related to this, even like when your mom had passed away and how your dad insisted on driving her up north in a snowstorm and you are literally driving a car with your mom.

You are transporting your mom's body. And I just think we can't punctuate enough how traumatic these things are. And when we're in it, it's not that it feels normal, but you kind of have no other choice. You are just showing up for the moment. And even if you are tired and exhausted and emotional, you still don't fully understand the impact.

you know, this is having on you. So in this case, like you said, it came out as laughter, but and it was it did strike me funny. But I also felt this compassion because it's like this is what grief looks like, you know, and this is life just serves us, you know, a hand that we're dealt a hand that we don't always know what to do with. And we definitely didn't plan. And I want to.

talk about how this story became a book. Your dad always saw you as a writer let's start with the poem that you wrote as a child that you had actually plagiarized and then

it won an award and then your dad is like she is destined to be a writer and he never let that dream go.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (25:57)
Yeah, that is horrific that I did that. First of all, I never thought that would be included, that I would include that in the book. And I had a book coach help me with this book, because I didn't know how to write a book. And I had never done that before. And I had a book coach. And it was during our very first meeting that that story.

I hadn't even thought of that story in decades and it slipped out. was trying to describe just how passionate of a man my dad was and I told her the story and she was like, that's the intro to your book, just so you know. And I said, you want me to tell the entire world that I plagiarized? She was like, yes, you were a child, it's fine. And I'm like, ⁓ my God.

But yeah, my dad was really, he was a pretty demanding man and perfectionist and nothing was ever really good enough for him ever, nothing. And I had finally really pleased him by writing this poem that I didn't write, that I copied out of a book at the library. And it was a really great poem and everybody thought so. And I never thought that it would.

follow me the rest of my life, this poem, I think I was 10 or 11. And, my dad took it, we took it to the mall and had it etched in glass and it sat on our family's mantle my entire life, literally until he died. It sat on the mantle at his home and I never had the courage to tell him. I, it's like I was,

to have finally made him proud and for him to be pleased and not think it could be better, because he just, everything had to be better. I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't write it. And so he went to his grave, never knowing that I didn't write that poem in my entire life.

He thought that I was this prolific writer. I did write, I mean, I kept journals and things like that, but I didn't write other than that, other than like communications at work and things. And he was always so brokenhearted that I was so talented in his opinion and never did anything with that talent because I was supposed to be a writer. then to become a writer.

is really ironic and crazy.

Angie Mizzell (28:18)
Yes, so I want to talk about that. your career takes a couple of turns, but you end up like when your dad is sick, you're working for a publishing company, actually in Human Resources, correct? But I feel like this is so interesting as a business perk or as a company perk for employees that there was an opportunity to publish a book as it's like part of the package and

So there was this moment that you realize, oh wait, I think I do have a story that I want to pitch. But even before that, your dad was telling somebody that you were a published author. And did you ever make any sense of that? Or do you think it's just he always knew it or he manifested it? I mean, that was just such an interesting thread to weave through the story.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (29:12)
Yeah, that was looking back on it now, being a published author, it's wild because in his final days, I walked in to his nursing home room. I believe he was in hospice at that time. Like he was, it was his final week of life, I believe.

And he, there was a woman in the room and she was a staff member of the nursing home and she said, my gosh, I'm so happy to meet you. Your dad has told me all about you and the fact that you're a published author and I need the name of your book and da da. And I was like, my gosh.

Like he is still talking about me being a writer. He's in hospice. What is he doing? And I said, you know, I'm sad maybe you're confused. He's confused. She was like, no, he was very sure of what he like he I've never seen him more certain of anything because she was like I've been having conversations with him almost every day and like before he was in hospice and she's like he this was the most sure he had ever seemed and I had to tell her that no, I'm not a published author.

at all. I write nothing but journal entries, honestly, and occasional internal communications, but it is weird now that, and it's either, I mean, I think that maybe that's, you know, he was, maybe he was dreaming. Maybe that's what he wanted for me, you know? And I don't know. It became real in his mind at that time with the dementia.

But yeah, what's, it's, I just don't believe, like I've said it before, in any coincidences though, because I find it very odd that I got into publishing. I love to read books, but I never thought I'd end up in a publishing company. And I ended up there and it has been a life-changing experience. And like you said, it is a company perk. I remember when I was hired, they said, and if you ever want to write

a book, you can pitch an idea to us and we might approve it and we'll publish the book for you possibly after you've been here a while. And I put that tidbit in my pocket because I did always know that I wanted to write a book.

And it was really after the story that you mentioned about driving my mom's body in the back of a cargo van up to DC through a snowstorm. I knew that there was something there that I would write about it in some way, but I didn't have any plans for it or anything. ⁓ And so it was then after he passed where I was like...

That's my book. I have this journal. I have a book. I'm going to do this. And I can't believe I'm at this publishing company. It's going to help me. ⁓

Angie Mizzell (31:46)
Mm-hmm.

You know,

and even the title has a lot of meaning. I'm sorry I cremated you because that was not your dad's wishes. But at the end of the day, financially, you were in a situation where it made the most sense. You actually had was it a hospital chaplain, a hospice chaplain, someone who freed you and gave you permission to do this. So

Talk about that moment.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (32:19)
Yeah, he wanted to be buried with my mother. They weren't really into cremation. Nobody in my family had ever been cremated. ⁓ And so it just wasn't something we did. he was not in good financial standing when he passed. He passed with a lot of debt

Angie Mizzell (32:27)
Yeah.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (32:38)
the bank took the house, he was in a foreclosure, he never wanted to give me financial control, he was so afraid of giving up any control the last couple years of his life. So because I didn't have that control, I couldn't sell his home, I couldn't do anything, and the bank ended up foreclosing on it.

So I'm a single gal, you know, and don't have a ton of money. And we were, you know, my brother and I, he was very much on...

My brother is a very realistic man and he was like, Jaclyn, we just need to cremate him because it is more than half, it's half the price, more than half or less than half the price. And I was like, we can't do that. Like, how are we gonna go against someone's final wishes?

And he was like, because he's, you know, he didn't leave us any money and it's gonna cost, are we gonna go into debt for this? And I was like, yeah, I have to go into debt for this. I can't live with myself knowing I went against my father's final wishes, even though it's gonna cost thousands more and I'm gonna have to pay it off over time. And then the hospice chaplain.

Angie Mizzell (33:39)
Mm-hmm.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (33:48)
who had been meeting with my dad for the past couple months. I didn't even know that. And she was very religious and he was pretty religious. He was off and on religious his whole life. And then towards the end, he got very religious. And I guess they had had conversations about God.

Angie Mizzell (33:53)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

you

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (34:08)
And I had no idea. So she asked my brother and I when she came to see us in his final days, she said, what do you plan to do with the body? And of course, and we were out in the hall at this point, dad's room, we were outside and, I was like, oh my gosh, you know, and I tell her the whole thing. I'm like, we want to cremate them. We can't that's not his wit. And she stopped me right there and she said, your father.

knew the Lord. I had so many conversations with him about the Lord and she said, you cremate that wonderful man. She said, it does not matter what happens to his body. I am giving you permission. Don't go into further debt for this. It is fine. And I was like, Oh my God, she's giving us permission. The chaplain's giving us permission. So I feel like we can do this. Like that's a pretty reliable source. So.

Angie Mizzell (34:55)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that

was a very touching moment. And I think it also punctuates this other thing when the child becomes the caregiver that there it's hard to go through something like that and not have feelings of doubt or second guessing choices we've made. they go way back in time, like even before they got sick. What if this and what if that? And this is something that, you know, even now

You kind of feel bad about it, yet there's still space to give yourself grace because you were the child in this situation doing the very best you could. And I feel like that's such an important message for children who are becoming caregivers for their parents. It's something that I had to cycle through quickly. Like I knew I was a good daughter.

I, but my mom and I had a complicated relationship. were super close, but it was also a lot. And I would say, you know, the first layer of my grief was questioning every decision I'd ever made every time I'd ever been a brat or, you know, times that I was frustrated with her, but it was around the concern of like how she's taking care of her health, you know? And it's like, you look back and you're like, I wish I could have done this differently, but

really like would I have like you it's so convenient when you have hindsight. So I think part of that grieving process is just realizing that you did what you could and it's okay to feel bad about some choices but you have to give yourself grace too. How have you made peace with some of those complicated crossroads that you experienced in your relationship with your dad?

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (36:46)
That is a really good question. I kind of made peace with the burial aspect of it pretty quickly actually because I, a year later after he passed and we had had him cremated and everything, I decided that we could kind of fulfill his wishes in a way by...

opening my mother's grave site and putting his ashes in with her because he wanted to be with her. So I kind of felt that that was okay and I made peace with the way that I

The fact that I cremated him, I made peace with that. But I will tell you, there is one thing that I still haven't made peace with. And I think about it every single day. And I've got to talk to my therapist about it and make peace about it. It's the fact that it's his house.

that the bank took it. And it's like you said, even if I could have done things differently, at the time, I couldn't have. I didn't have the capacity to do anything different. He was in the hospital for three months in Myrtle Beach during that time when I was trying to clean out as much as I could out of this hoarder house. And our family belongings, like our special memories from my whole childhood and life. And I'm in a little bitty townhouse, you know?

like trying to get all this anything that was important for my entire life out and because it was a hoarding type situation I didn't have the time or the energy or the resources to clean the house out I left I had to leave so much in that home because the bank was taking it anyway and I have this I don't know what it is I am still not at peace with the fact that

strangers ended up dealing with some of my family's belongings. Do you know what I mean? Like the thought of it is just soul crushing to me, like almost embarrassing. ⁓ But again, I was trying to...

Angie Mizzell (38:38)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (38:49)
be there for my dad in the hospital as much as I could, get these items out, keep my job, you know what I mean? And I just had to make the decision, because we talked about lots of different things. Okay, I could spend more money and go into further debt by renting a dumpster and trying to, they were all the, or hiring a crew, and then finally I was like, the bank is taking it. I don't have it in me to handle this situation any further. I got what I had to get out and I'm just letting it

have it. But I still I'm still not in complete peace about it. Even though just like you said I don't know that I would have done anything different because at that time I don't think I could have.

Angie Mizzell (39:20)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. How I made peace with some of my guilt that I don't know is justified or not, you know, but we feel the way we feel because I mean, after reading your story, it makes complete sense. Like all the decisions you made, they were difficult ones and no one really knows until they're in that situation. But for me, the tell was how you showed up in.

rearranged your life to be there for him when the situation truly called for it. And I think when he went back home initially, you were still in a space of thinking he has free will. He's a grown man. If he wants to do this, who am I to make him do something against his will? And I do think that this is a line that

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (40:14)
Right.

Angie Mizzell (40:25)
Children have to juggle with their parents and maybe parents even have to juggle with their children when they become adults But it's like we feel compelled to help we want to help we want to be there But where does my responsibility to them end and their responsibility to make their own choices? where is that line? How much is too much? What is not enough?

And I don't know if that's an easy question to answer. And you really have to make those decisions in the moment. And you just have to make the best decision you can with what you're facing at the time. Is how I've made some peace with some of the decisions that were made. Yeah.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (41:06)
And I think that that point is so important and it's so relevant to almost, well, definitely, I would say any dementia or Alzheimer's.

Parental situation. I have a friend right now going through a parent who hasn't been diagnosed But it's pretty clear that the parent has dementia or Alzheimer's and she is making really terrible decisions and will not let my friend help in any way and it's like I feel like that's That's the worst part that exact that line that you can't You can't force them to do anything

You almost have, like you try and you get to that line that you come up against that you can't push further and then you have to watch your parent then making terrible decisions and their life suffers for it. And it's just terrible. I wish it didn't have to be like that.

Angie Mizzell (41:56)
And it,

same, I wish it didn't have to be like that, but it is, is you, you might have written this in a sub stack newsletter, I was on your blog, but you're just talking about how hard it is to watch, you know, your parents fall apart. And that's a tough road that you walked.

So why did you write the book and how are you hoping to help people now by sharing your story?

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (42:22)
I wrote the book because even though I have the most incredible friends that were really supportive to me, a lot of them had never been through this. Most of them hadn't been through this because their parents haven't gone through this yet. I just felt very alone. I think that a lot of the times when you're going through this, you just, you feel very isolated and lonely and scared.

And I kept thinking, why do I have to feel this way if this is such a universal thing that we all go through and yet we do it in silence and just get through it and get through the agony by ourselves. And I wrote it because I was like, I want to start a conversation about it. want.

why can't we talk about this more and be there for each other more and not have to suffer in silence as we're caring for our parents and they're dying? Because it's a big deal that our parents die. You know, I mean, for most of us, they're very important to us. And I just wanted to talk about it more. I wanted my book.

maybe somebody could read it during a time where they were going through something similar or after and feel seen and maybe feel less alone because I just felt so alone during that time.

Angie Mizzell (43:38)
Yeah.

You still doing improv?

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (43:42)
I am not doing as much because of the book and everything and just because I need more time in the day. But I was on stage a couple weeks ago in Summerville at the Old Charlie Theater and I still go to Theater 99 all the time and I'm sure I'll be on stage at some point. But I'm not doing it quite as much, unfortunately. I know.

Angie Mizzell (43:44)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Great.

Yes, everything's a season we have we have learned,

but it definitely got you through a very difficult time. And how would you say this process, this traumatic process of losing your parents, especially your dad, how has it changed you? How are you different now? What did you learn?

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (44:26)
I am a completely different person, Angie. I don't know who I was before I lost my parents. I grew as a human so much 10 years ago when I lost my mom. I don't know who I was before that. And that was when I was like 35, I think.

I'm so much deeper of a person having gone through these things. know, when you experience loss like this, it just deepens you and it...

It betters you as a person, I think, in a lot of cases. And it has for me. It's made me realize the important things in life. It's just made me grow so much as a person. I have really grown up since losing both of them. And I wish so badly, it's very ironic that I feel like I've finally grown into the human I'm supposed to be. But now they're not here to see it, which is the irony in it.

Angie Mizzell (45:15)
Right.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (45:17)
Hopefully they can see it.

Angie Mizzell (45:18)
Yeah,

yeah, I call on my mom a lot in like this spiritual realm. I imagine her whole and there is a part of me I feel like she does see, but I'm a completely different person also. And it's weird. It's like you want them there, but I don't think I want to go back to who I was before because it's part of our own growth. So before we go, I know there are people listening to this who either gone through it, going through it now.

What advice or words of comfort or I see you do you have to offer them?

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (45:52)
Just hold on and just breathe. Take it day by day and breathe. And more than anything, my therapist gave me this piece of advice when my mom was dying. and I've been giving people this advice ever since then.

Be extra kind to yourself. Spoil the hell out of yourself during this time if you're going through it because you deserve it. Do a little thing, one little thing every single day that will make you smile. Whether it's picking up a People magazine that you normally wouldn't spend money on because it's silly, but it brings you joy and makes you pick up that magazine. Do anything that you can every single day, at least one thing, to spoil yourself or to make yourself happy.

happy because you need those little moments to get through.

Angie Mizzell (46:38)
Well, thank you so much, Jaclyn, for being here today. your message is so important. And I'm glad you told your story.

Jaclyn Michelle Smith (46:43)
Thank you so much for having me.

Angie Mizzell (46:45)
If you loved this episode, can find Jaclyn's memoir, I'm Sorry I Cremated You, online anywhere books are sold. You can also find it here in Charleston. It's available at Buxton Books, Itinerant Literate, and Barnes & Noble in Mount Pleasant. You can learn more about Jaclyn her book, and her speaking availability on her website, jaclynmichellesmith.com Thank you for listening to More Like You.

For behind the scenes stories and updates, subscribe to my weekly newsletter, Hello Friday. It's a weekly dose of inspiration and encouragement delivered to your inbox. Just go to angiemizzell.com/subscribe

.