The Night I Held a Funeral for My Old Self

In this episode, Lauren shares the powerful exercise that helped her finally let go of my her identity and step into sobriety. She walks you through the idea of holding a “funeral” for your old self—releasing the memories, habits, and pain that no longer serve you. If you’ve ever struggled to move on from a past version of yourself, this conversation is for you.

Transcript

Welcome to Milf Season, where parenthood gets real, influence gets intentional, and we stop pretending we have it all together. We're having raw and vulnerable conversations about motherhood and parenting, the influence you have on yourself and others, life, friendship, and finances. Let's just say the real life stuff nobody warned us about. From money conversations to messy friendships,

to figuring out who you are outside of just being mom or dad or the role everyone else expects you to play in your life. Because raising kids, finding yourself and building a life shouldn't mean losing yourself in the process. This podcast isn't about having it all together. It's about evolving into the person you know you're meant to be and actually stepping into it. So whether you're a mom,

or dad or just in the beginning stages of adulthood and trying to figure out this thing we call life, grab your coffee or your third energy drink because we're about to have a meaningful conversation where no topic is off the table. So let's get into it.

Welcome back to Milk Season. I hope that you had a wonderful week. A lot happened over the weekend. For me, we had a nice family weekend and yeah, some other stuff that I'll be talking about probably in two weeks or so, maybe three, but some stuff I'm working through right now. But other than that, it's been a really good week. The official countdown is on until we move.

to New England, let's see, it's about three weeks until that big move happens now. So I have a lot of podcasting to do, so I have a lot of content to edit on the plane and we have a lot of packing to do. Although I think we're actually pretty close to being done. It just doesn't feel like we're close to being done, but that is very exciting. I was trying to decide what I wanted to talk about this week and the...

I was looking through, I basically have an entire no app of either events that have happened to me or just topics that have come up that I just really want to talk about on this podcast. And I think now is a good time to talk about this one. I know a lot of my episodes recently have been focused on sobriety and my sobriety story. Even though my three year sobriety is still a couple months away, it's in July, July 19th, I want to bring up

something that really helped to get me sober. The biggest thing I think that helped to get me sober was A, deciding I was finally ready to do it, but B, my therapist, an amazing therapist at the time. And he was an addiction, an alcohol addiction therapist, and he was fantastic. And we did a lot of work together, but.

At the time I loved listening to this podcast called What's the Juice? And the host of this podcast talked a whole episode about this thing that she called her body funeral. And I want to talk about this today because it sounds kind of crazy. You're probably like, what the heck is a body funeral or a funeral to yourself? But I listened to this episode and I learned so much from it and it was definitely kind of

woo woo wee. What she was talking about is definitely kind of, I don't need to say out there, but something that just seemed a little strange, but I really felt called to do this. So essentially in this body funeral, this host saw somebody who's a professional that this is like what they guide you through, but she sort of talked about throughout the episode how to do it on your own. And so

This body funeral, this funeral to myself allowed me to let go, I think, of a lot of the memories and feelings that I was really holding on to surrounding alcohol. And especially in this podcast, I talk about the negatives. Like there were so many negative memories, experiences, et cetera, around drinking. But I also had

a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun. I a lot of fun in college. I had not as much fun after college, but I mean, I am like a party girl at heart. Like I love going out. I love getting dressed up. Like I love dancing. I love being on elevated surfaces. I will still do those things now, even though I'm sober. It just took me two years, really a year to really get comfortable, but it took me, you know, these two years to get comfortable within myself.

to be like, ooh, ooh, ooh, on a table. Not at a table, I don't know what party I'm at these days that I'm on a table, but if the opportunity arose, I would be there. I guess the best example is I on my, when was my sister and I, what birthday was that? I think it was our 22nd birthday. I flew down to Florida and surprised her and we rented a party bus and there was like a little fake stripper pole in there. Girl, I was dancing on that pole. I was like, yeah.

and everyone thought that I was drinking. was drinking some non-alcoholic, like, peach-bellini drink that was really good. But I wasn't drinking. I was just sober. I was being myself. I was having fun and I was channeling that inner drunk girl that truly is, like, I say that's truly who I am and I don't mean it like that. What I mean is that how I was when I was drunk, like, didn't care, was dancing crazy, having so much fun. I didn't think I could be that person.

if I wasn't drinking. And it took me a year, a year and a half, now into two years, to be that fun because that's already inside of me without alcohol. It just took me two years to get there. So I was there when I was on that party bus. I was on that pole and I was having a good time. And so are all the other girls. But I truly think that this

funeral to myself, to my body was so important to me getting sober. So I would link the episode or drop the title of the episode, but it was so long ago that I listened to this. I don't know what it was called. I could probably look actually before this podcast is over. But essentially what you're supposed to do is you're supposed to be alone in a quiet space. So I did it one night when I was going to sleep. Like I wasn't

super tired yet and I went to my room and I laid down and what you're supposed to do is you're supposed to go through every single major organ and say what went good and what went bad involving this issue. So this is something that could literally be applied to alcohol, weed, maybe a jewel or a vape.

I say that as if they're two different things, but when I was in college, like the jewel was the big thing. So your jewelry, your vape, it could even be for like a negative, toxic, whatever relationship, like just a negative experience. You could do this for this as well. And I really think like I'm not a professional obviously, but I think it would help so much navigating these emotions because our body...

holds onto emotion. feel like in today's day and age, like there's just so much information on the internet. If that's the side of like Instagram and TikTok you're on, then this is not new news. But what's super fascinating I've learned is where the tumor is that I have in my sacrum. If you're new here, I have a benign tumor that is quite large in my sacrum. I'm trying to not use that wording because I'm doing a lot of natural things.

to heal this tumor. So I am healing a large tumor that is in my sacrum is the wording I should use. But I have learned that we hold a lot of our emotions in our hips and this tumor is basically like under my booty cheeks and it's underneath kind of my tailbone. It's like pushing my tailbone up. So it's in the sacrum region, which is in our hips or below our hips. I don't know. I'm not in anatomy girl here, but

I have learned that that emotion is stored there, especially revolving around sexual experiences and something else that is very interesting that I'm learning in the holistic side of the internet that I love and find myself in and learning through is that A, our body keeps the score, our body keeps count, it remembers things, traumas.

good memories, like it remembers that and it stores it in our body's fascia, which is connective tissue. And so these experiences are literally stored in your body, whether you think you remember them or not. So there's a lot of talk, I guess, there's a lot of information about, especially for women, like your body knows when you're with a sexual partner that you're not supposed to be. Now I'm not stating this as a fact, again, this is not my realm of the world.

in terms of knowing information, but I've learned this through a lot of women who are professionals talking about this, that your body knows when you're not with the right partner, which is insane and it's amazing, and it can lead to a bunch of issues in your body. So when you think about, especially in my case, hooking up with people in college that especially, like, I wasn't actually in relationship with, even if it was like a long-term

or a long-term hookup, that's gonna have a lot of memory stored in my body. So that is just a little side tangent that's really interesting when it comes to the tumor that I have in this area of my body. But with that being said, other organs in our bodies also hold on to and are responsible for certain emotions, actions, et cetera. So the whole point of this body funeral,

is I'm just going to give you what I did. I went into my room and I was by myself and I laid in bed and what you're supposed to do is just really calm your whole body down and calm your mind down. And then you're going to start with an organ and you're going to work through all of the organs that would have been impacted by this

either substance or experience that you need to let go of. So I laid in bed again, lights are completely off for me. It was nighttime and I made sure I wasn't tired. And I started with my brain and I just started thinking about all of the really fun times that I had with alcohol. And I, I brought forth specific memories.

So I have some really fun memories in college playing pong with all of my best friends. We were all in one dorm room and it was just a small party and it was all of our close friends and my friend Liz, she and her roommates decorated their pong table so stinking cool. And we would always just have so much fun playing drinking games in there. And not to be like,

I was really good, but three drinking games I was really good at. Like I loved playing Flip Cup and Stat Cup. Those were like my two favorite games. Loved them. I was good at playing them. And so it was just a lot of fun. And I would bring forth that memory among many other examples that I'm not gonna dive deep into because I don't feel like recounting them right now. And I said, thank you for these experiences that I got to have.

with my close friends in college, even though it involved alcohol. Thank you for the experiences. I'm grateful for these experiences. I started with that because that was easier to recount. And from there, then we got into kind of the harder work, the truth confronting work, where then I had to think of all...

of the negative experiences that happened to my brain because of alcohol. And this is where you have to be super specific and it needs to be specific to this organ. And so I would say, I am so sorry to my brain for all of the stress that I put on you in, in myself and these experiences of

let's say throwing up from drinking too much and I now have a very negative association with drinking because of how much I got sick and I'm so sorry for the stress I put on you for trying to kind of shut off my brain and shut off the thinking and the flags that you were trying to put up or stop me from drinking so much and I'm so sorry for those experiences and I'm ready to let them go and then you

and you let those experiences go. So that took care of our brain. And so I can't even say it fully takes care of, but I really just feel like this is an integral part to healing. And so we just acknowledged as many. And so I just gave you one example. You want to come up with as many examples as you can, where for me, alcohol, maybe for you, it's

weed or vape or a relationship, any negative experiences and your positive experiences as many as you can think of and do this exercise for every single one of them. So then from there, I'm going to move on to let's say for alcohol, the biggest one is the liver. For positive experiences, there just were none. There's not going to be a positive experience.

involving alcohol and my liver because alcohol is a poison literally and so there's no good that came from that for my liver so I think it's okay if there is nothing positive to bring up so for the negatives the first thing that comes to mind is I am so sorry to my liver

for all of the extra work that I put you through that I made you do for sometimes four nights, sometimes five nights in a row during those four years of college because I was drinking. Even if it was just one glass of wine or a couple glasses of wine or a couple drinks at dinner with friends, I put my liver through it. Having to get rid of all those toxins and that toxic overload.

and am so sorry for all of the extra work that I made you do. And then you have to say, am ready to let this go. I'm ready to let alcohol go. I'm ready to let go of these negative experiences.

and then you have to let it all out. I'm literally like doing a deep breath right now because it feels really good in my body to say these things, feel the tightness come up in my chest and in my spirit and then.

take a second and just let that breath go through my whole body and let it out. So from there, I'm going to move on to my stomach. would say, actually I'm gonna change my mind. I was gonna say, I would say that there was no good experiences with this. For this example, I'm kind of gonna link maybe my throat and my stomach because alcohol tastes good sometimes.

Granted, there's times when for me, like I'm taking a tequila shot or a vodka shot. That's disgusting. And that never tasted good. And sometimes that would immediately make me throw up or, you know, bring something up into my throat. Obviously that's not a good experience, but there's a reason why people also like alcohol because you can make some really great cocktails and drinks. So for my stomach, I would, and I would do these technically separately.

But for my stomach and my throat, I would say for good memories, thank you so much for allowing me to enjoy the taste of a good cocktail and for the environment that that cocktail was had in. I really loved going out with my friends to this specific Mexican restaurant and I got a bomb ass.

daiquiri and I got that bomb ass margarita that tasted so good and I am so thankful that my body is able to taste and to enjoy that experience. There's my positive. Now for the more obvious. I am so sorry to my stomach and I know you can't see me right now but I'm touching my stomach.

I am so sorry to my stomach for overindulging in alcohol several nights a week, several drinks, sometimes several bottles of wine, of various liquors, and throwing up so much. I am so sorry that I put my stomach through that, that my stomach had to work through that, that my stomach was trying to get rid of so many toxins.

and a toxic overload. I am so sorry to my stomach for having to try and protect me so hard from such a toxic overload. So then again, you're gonna recount as much as you can and you wanna be as specific as you can. So if you love margaritas and you love strawberry margaritas, let's say you say,

Thank you so much for allowing me to enjoy the taste of those strawberry margaritas, but I am so sorry that I then had to throw up all of those margaritas. Like I know it sounds so silly and disgusting, but I think it's important to be that specific because, and you've got to mean it. You've got to connect with your body. So while I was doing this, was obviously my eyes were closed. And so I was envisioning my stomach and envisioning these memories. I was really trying to put myself,

back into those specific instances. So if I'm saying I'm so sorry to my stomach that I had to throw up so much, am like, right as I'm thinking about that, I can see myself like over the toilet. Like I can see myself laying in the bed in my freshman dorm, throwing up on the top bunk of this bed, being like, I cannot believe that that's how I spent so many Saturday and Sunday mornings just to go right back that night and do the same pattern again. You wanna get so specific and then,

all of those memories, you just want to take that huge breath in, feel that like tightness in your chest or in that spot of your body and say, I am ready to let this go. And then let it all out. Every time I keep doing that, I'm getting like slight chills on my body because these memories still do hold a lot of weight on me, but they are not nearly as strong as they would before these thoughts to me.

before I got sober and while I was getting sober would sometimes be crippling. And I haven't told this story yet and it's coming up because I kind of really put off telling it A. Because I don't think I was ready and B. Because it's the most traumatic thing that has ever happened so far in my life. So I'm not like keen to talk about it but I think it's important to talk about but what happened to me in Australia that was a huge part of this body funeral because it really led me to

become the person that I became for a couple of years. And so I really, really hurt my physical body on accident, not on purpose, when I was abroad. And so at one point I was covered in scratches. Like it was really, really bad. And that was a huge part of this funeral was telling my whole physical body, I am so sorry for the amount of times that I...

hurt you and that I put you in danger. And I'm so sorry for the physical wounds that I ended up with on various different occasions. I think if you were a drinker or just like went out on a night out, you don't even have to be drinking. You you come home with mysterious bruises, but especially when you're drinking and those nights where I especially like blacked out or don't remember the full night, browned out as they say, I definitely woke up with

mysterious scratches and huge bruises and you're like, what the heck did I do? But it's so easy when you're especially under the influence of something to hurt yourself. And there were several times I did hurt myself really bad, even if it's just from tripping and falling outside on the pavement or there was one time when I was really drunk at a party, I was in the Spanish mod specifically. That was a big thing at my school. There were these trailers and those were like really fun, like the hockey mod.

and the Spanish mod were so fun. Literally trailers that you would go party and we're like the Spanish kids or the hockey team. And I was in the Spanish mod. was, I pretty sure it was my birthday and I was so drunk and I was having so much fun. I was on a table. I was dancing on a table and I thought how fun would it be if I jump off this table right now into these boys arms, like crowd surf basically.

and they weren't paying attention and I basically was like, I'm gonna jump. Well, then I just kind of slipped and I like quite literally almost fell onto the floor, but these boys turned around and caught me. Yeah, I almost freaking fell off of a elevated surface, pretty high up and like that's embarrassing. So, and I'm like laughing because that's kind of a funny drunk memory, but.

I had to sit there, lay there with my eyes closed and recall all of the times that I really put my body and myself, obviously it's my own body, that I put myself in danger. And when I was in Australia was a significant time that because of substances I put my body and my life in danger. So, ⁓ that one's a heavy one. just gotta... I've... yeah.

The Australia thing is really heavy and I've talked through it enough in therapy but sometimes when I still say it out loud I just can't believe that that even happened.

I did this for every part of my body that I could think was affected positively and negatively by alcohol. And I thanked my, that specific organ for, or that specific body part for those experiences and those memories. And then I said I was ready to let go of, and I apologized.

to that specific organ body part for the negative experiences.

And maybe you're listening to this and you're like, that is weird. Like that is so weird. I admit it. When she talked about it on the podcast, I thought that is so weird. Like I can't believe she paid somebody to go do that. That's kind of silly. And honestly, I would probably pay someone to go do that even now, especially now with what I'm learning through doing any T therapy and all of this muscle testing, it's really becoming apparent to me how much our bodies remember that

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I cannot suggest enough if you are trying to let something go. Someone go, a relationship go, a substance go. Even if it... Like I really think this could be applied to something even if it was a porn addiction. I wouldn't say personally that there's any positives there, but there's a lot of negative impacts. Gambling. Anything that has a grip on your life that isn't

healthy. I really feel like you could use this body funeral. In a way, it's almost like a full body scan. Like you're checking in with your body, but then you are recalling these memories and then you're telling your body that you are grateful if there's something to be grateful for, like a fun experience or a lesson learned through that thing. But then you're ready to let it go and you're sympathetic to yourself because this is your body and this

is the system that keeps you going and it takes care of you and it protects you and it keeps you alive. And it's just so important, I think, to acknowledge the negative impacts that certain actions and substances and people have on your body and to tell your body that you're ready to let that go. And so this for me was a really crucial part in healing myself and to get sober. think that I...

I'm not going to say I wouldn't have gotten sober without this experience and this practice, I guess, but I just think it was so crucial because it allowed me to think about these memories that was especially in a context outside of therapy and to acknowledge all of the good and to also acknowledge all of the bad and give forgiveness to myself because we have to forgive ourselves for

the things that we did in the past. So that is the whole body funeral, my funeral to myself. And this really helped me start moving forward from this person that I felt kind of stuck in that I knew I wanted to get away from. I didn't want to be this fun party girl who drank anymore who like got sick because she was blacking out and drinking so much.

And I, but that was like who I was. Like I loved being known as like the fun party girl. Although I was fun until I got too drunk and then I was fucking annoying. I was like, I would go crazy sometimes, but I, that was just like who I was. And that was who I thought, that's who I thought my identity was. And moving away from that person was really hard because then I, was like, who am I? After college, I had no idea who was supposed to be. Especially since I, like when I got pregnant, I just knew I was a mom, but

that just obviously through this whole trajectory of my life, quote unquote off. And I had no idea who I was supposed to be or what I was supposed to do doing this body funeral just really helped me let go of this past version of myself and essentially mourn that person because you do when you're becoming a different person and you're leaving a substance, a friend group or a friendship or a relationship behind literally perfect example is becoming a mother.

Like you are not who you used to be and that is okay, but it is so freaking hard. I go through these moments. Sometimes they're a literal moment. Sometimes it might be a couple months of missing who I was, but this body funeral really allowed me to let go of a lot of those negative memories. And it truly brought to the forefront how toxic of a substance this was for me and how damaging alcohol was.

to me, to my body, to my soul, to my heart, to my mind, in so many different ways. And that just really allowed me to take the next step, especially in therapy, to become who I wanted to be. I didn't fully know who she was, but working towards that higher version of myself and the person that I knew that I could be and wanted to be, but didn't really know how to work towards.

It just really allowed me to take a massive jump and leap, I think, in the right direction when I acknowledge all of this good and away more of this bad and forgave myself and my body for it. want to end this episode with a story. throughout the very beginning process of me getting sober, I was part of, I think, literally like two sessions and then I stopped.

being part of this group just because I didn't make the time for it. Unfortunately, it wasn't a high priority for me at the time, even though it should have been. But one of my friends in college who really stuck by me and basically really helped me not do anything stupid when I was pregnant, she really was a huge accountability partner in making sure that I didn't do something irrational and emotional. She invited me to a Bible study that she was doing. Now this was outside of

college and it was the night before I was gonna do this first Bible study with them. had this dream that I was in Narnia. Mind you, I haven't read the books ever and I haven't watched Narnia since I was like a child, like very young. I don't remember the storyline. I think I remember them like going into the closet and that's how they get to Narnia. I don't remember a thing from that movie. I want to say I thought it was kind of scary at the time.

So I had this dream where I was in Narnia and I was seeing like the altar because I they like try to like slay the lion. think like literally I don't even know the plot line of this movie and book anymore because it has been so long. But I saw this white stone altar in the woods and I was kind of like what am I doing here? Like what the heck is this altar? And then I saw the lion by

a tree. was under a big tree. And I have this weird love for trees, like really cool looking trees. Like I love weeping willows. I love the acacia tree. I just love especially these like African trees. I don't know. It's like a weird thing. I think it's so beautiful when there's a field of grass and like one tree in the middle. I think it's so beautiful. It's like so weird, but

there was this huge tree with big branches and under this tree was the lion and he spoke to me and said, come, I want you to lay down with me and I want you to rest. And so I went over and I basically like laid my head on this lion, like a pillow. And I remember in the dream feeling so calm and then I woke up and I remember thinking,

That is such a strange dream. Like I have not seen Narnia, read Narnia in years and years and years. I've never read the book to begin with. Why am I dreaming about this? And then that next day I went to the Bible study virtually, cause it was through Zoom, and my friend starts talking about Narnia and how Aslan is a representation of Jesus. And my mouth dropped. I was like, are you kidding me?

And I had to like, you know, I hit the raise hand button on zoom and I was like, I have no idea what this is supposed to mean, but I had a dream about this last night. I literally had a dream about Aslan last night and that he told me to come over and lay down with him and rest. And I had no clue that that line represented Jesus. None. And I'm bringing this up because to this day, I have never really known what that dream meant.

But it was when I knew like I needed to start getting sober. And I really feel like that was a big call to me from God and to get back to Jesus and to rely on him and rest in him. And it still took me a long time to even kind of bring faith into my sobriety journey. To this day, actually, I literally just started working with a pastoral counselor and I told her,

that one of the things that I want to do is like a Bible study. want to grow in my faith because I still feel like I'm not very strong in my faith at all. Like I still have a lot of not trusting in God in terms of like that things are going to be okay. And it's something that I know that I need to grow in, especially if I want to heal this tumor. And in general, obviously like there's way more to God than just healing my tumor.

but I just need to trust in him and his plan for my life. And having my daughter kind of was the first inkling of that, of needing to trust when I didn't know the outcome and when I thought that I was in a really bad situation that was gonna ruin my life. And it took two or so years to realize what a blessing my pregnancy was, which I bring it up so much, I feel like at this point.

But it was the same with sobriety. It still took me a while from that dream to fully trust that sobriety was what I needed to do and that that was God's plan for me was to get sober. It took me so long still from that point to really embrace that. But what I did is when, like when I got sober and stayed sober is when my life started flourishing and the blessings just started literally pouring.

into my life. So I just really wanted to tell that short dream because it's just a reminder that no matter what you're going through, whether you believe in God or like the universe or I don't know what else there is to believe in or nothing, I guess, but I know. We live in such a vast world, so I don't know how you can't believe in anything. But anyway, that there is a plan for your life. In my opinion, God has a plan for your life.

and that whatever you're going through, you're not going through alone and that healing is going to take time. It's going to take effort and is going to be hard and maybe sometimes lonely, but I can only encourage you to get a therapist and to just try this body funeral and just really let all of the crap

go and acknowledge everything good, acknowledge everything bad and forgive yourself, forgive your body and say sorry to yourself and to your body that this was the experience that you went through. But there's truly a plan and a lesson in all of this. I really believe for all of our pain and suffering. So that is how to do the body funeral. Let me see if I can find the actual episode. Hold on here.

Okay, I can't find the episode in Apple Podcasts because I've only listened to like 19 of her podcast episodes, but they're like two plus hours long. And so she covers a lot. So I can't find the specific episode, but it's what's the juice. I listened to it probably in 2022 or 2023. So it's going to be one of her older episodes. If you want to go searching for it, her podcast is really good to begin with and it was such a good episode. So if you really want the specifics, you could probably also look it up. I'm sure by this point, this is

probably somewhere on like TikTok, but let's see. This upcoming week, at the end of the week, I'm going to podcast with my husband and I'm not sure if we're gonna talk yet about his career and how he got there or about his view on leaving Texas, but I think it's gonna be one of those two. And then I'm also gonna be podcasting with my friend Aaron and we have a lot of ground to cover in that podcast. I really think that podcast is gonna be extremely... ⁓

insightful on several different topics. I'm very excited to podcast with her. So thank you for tuning in. know that there's so many podcasts that you could choose to spend your time listening to. And I'm really grateful that today we got to spend some time together talking, learning about how to heal. And I'm just so grateful for your support. I do have my new Instagram account for the Milk Seeds

and ⁓

got some cute stinking merch that I'm working on coming up with like designs for. I've got a really cute camo design in my head. So I'm really excited about that one. So thank you again for spending time if this episode touched you.

I really appreciate it if you would share if this episode touched you, meant something to you, if you know somebody that could maybe benefit from doing this full body funeral to yourself. Please, please share this episode. I'm so grateful for you and I hope that you have an amazing week.