Whatever Is Excellent with Leanne Tuggle
Encouragement and Inspiration for women choosing to rise above the “just survive” mentality and instead set their mind on thriving in all that they say and do. The ultimate goal is to equip you to pursue whatever is excellent in the midst of your ordinary life and in all that you say and do.
Whatever Is Excellent with Leanne Tuggle
14: Transforming Marriages One Meeting at a Time with Tori Tippens
Ever wondered how a simple ritual could transform your marriage?
Tori, a dedicated mom of three and a passionate follower of Jesus, joins us to reveal the power of "marriage meetings" and their incredible impact on her relationship with her husband, Brandon. With over a decade of shared experiences, Tori opens up about the early challenges they faced, influenced by the breakup of close friends, and how these meetings have helped them stay connected and strong. Her story offers an inspiring testament to the importance of intentionality and faith in building a resilient and loving partnership.
Marriage isn’t always a walk in the park, but prioritizing your partner can make all the difference. In this episode, we uncover the vital elements of fostering a healthy and intimate marriage. From the importance of communication and feedback to reserving date nights for enjoyment, Tori offers invaluable insights into reinforcing mutual appreciation and respect. Hear how embracing biblical principles can fortify your marriage against cultural influences while providing your children with a loving example of commitment and faithfulness.
Discover practical strategies to nurture intimacy through marriage meetings, even when the conversations get tough. Tori shares how creating a supportive environment with humility and openness can enhance connection, despite potential challenges. And don't miss our enlightening discussion on "Finding the Hero in Your Husband," a book that explores supporting your partner in becoming his best self. With a blend of wisdom and personal reflection, this episode is a heartfelt guide to making marriage meetings a priority in your relationship—and perhaps even your New Year's resolutions.
You can find Tori on Instagram @torimotivatedmom
For more practicals tips on these marriage meetings follow @marriagemeeting on IG and download Tori's FREE marriage meeting guide.
Or you can download the guide here: Monthly Marriage Meeting
Grab a copy of Finding the Hero in Your Husband by Dr. Juli Slattery
Connect with me!
You can find me on Instagram @mrs.leannetuggle or you can email me at leanne.tuggle@gmail.com. I love hearing from you!
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Hey, tori, I am so excited to have you here on Whatever is Excellent today. This is just such a fun opportunity to be able to chat with you and hear a little bit about what you are doing with your family and in your marriage, and so I'm just really excited to hear about how you are so intentional in your marriage. But before we get started on that today, would you mind telling us a little bit about who you are?
Tori:Sure, yes, absolutely. So. Since we're talking things, marriage and family, I'm a mom of three. We have three kids. I've been married to I can't really say college sweetheart, but I met him in college. We've been married for 11 years. We his name's, brandon, we dated, us met actually at home Depot. I joke that if you want to spend less on home improvements, go to home Depot and marry somebody, because they already kind of know where everything already is. So we met at home Depot. We were going to the same college. Um, we uh dated for five years, got married and now we have three littles uh, cage, ember and Liberty. So we are in the throes of all the things crazy. We hybrid homeschool our seven-year-old, we are potty training our three-year-old and then our youngest is 10 months. So she is still attached in every way.
Tori:But I think the most important thing to say about me is I'm a Jesus follower and I love Jesus, and that has been something in my life, no matter the hat that I'm a Jesus follower and I love Jesus. And that has been something in my life, no matter like the hat that I'm wearing or the title that I have, whether it's, you know, student or homemaker or wife. Just who I am is. I love Jesus and I want everything in my life to be bringing glory to him. And so I'm the oldest of six and so that makes me one of those people that kind of likes to have it a little bit together All the ducks in the row bringing all the peoples.
Tori:And so I'm a Southern girl, I like all the Southern things, and met me a Southern boy, and so, yeah, we've been doing life together. We just hit our, I think, 16th anniversary together, 11 married. So he's I joke that, um, he, uh. I'm glad that he like married me when he did, because I've just gotten progressively like crazier in life as I've become a mom. I'm like, listen, you didn't know, you didn't know, but he makes life so fun and we're just having fun in life, getting to disciple our kids and do all the seasons of life together, and I'm really grateful for that.
Leanne:That's amazing. I love that. What a beautiful story. And I love that you met at Home Depot. That's beautiful. Um, you guys have been married for 11 years and you have told me about this thing that you do called a marriage meeting. At least that's what I've heard you call it. It might be called something else, um, can you tell me a little bit more about what this marriage meeting is and kind of what like first prompted it for you and your husband?
Tori:Yeah. So to kind of understand our marriage meeting, I'll back up a little bit to where we were dating. So when we were dating we would do like the normal dating things hang out with other couples. We'd go watch the Georgia game with our friends on the weekends and we hung out with other couples. We loved playing cards and we just had a great friend group. And most of our friends got married before we did and, um, he was in school for education and so we were like, hey, we have to be able to afford somewhere to live. So we dated a little bit longer and, um, within our first year of marriage, five of our friends split up and like close dating couples. Um, that we would go like play Canasta at their house on the weekends or go, um, you know, they used to have like the karaoke, like Xbox games, like we. You know, those couples like our, our people, and we just it kind of.
Tori:The first year of our marriage was, um, it was good, but it was a big transition in a lot of ways for life for us. We had some really deep personal, family things happening that we were navigating how to encourage each other emotionally through those things, and so we were experiencing these highs and lows, but then also our people that we would normally hang out with all of a sudden weren't there, and we were being there for those people individually as they were going through these breakups. And I just remember we sat there and we were like how do we? What is what is happening? Like, how do we, how do we make sure that this is not us one day? Because everybody that was walking through this was walking through it for different reasons, and I just have to give a testament to the Lord. Praise the Lord. Multiple of those couples are back together now and the Lord has restored their marriages Not all of them, but I would say for all those people. We've seen the Lord restore their lives in different ways.
Tori:But I remember I just looked at Brandon and I was like I just I don't ever want there to be a day in this world that you are breathing somewhere and you're not mine and I, I I don't know what that looks like. And so, um, we just started kind of playing around with this idea of of a marriage check-in and what does that look like? I was working for a leadership company at the time and he was um in a leadership program with his job, and so we just talked about. You know, we're constantly getting feedback in our lives from everywhere else. So how do we, how do we give that feedback to each other?
Tori:Because, um, satan, satan, I think that Satan, all the way back to the garden, tries to mess with our communication, like he tries to mess the communication in the area of intimacy the most. And, if he can, if he can say like, did God really say, like, did God really tell you this? He got in the middle of that intimacy of God and Eve. And I think that so many times in marriage, when we have an issue with each other, we're quick to go somewhere besides our spouse to talk about whether it's a friend, and so we're like, how do we make sure that we go to each other first? And then there's always the thing of you're in different places at the end of the day.
Tori:We Brandon was working, he still, he was coaching and um wrestling coach, and he was driving an hour for work and he was exhausted at the end of the day. So for me to say, hey, babe, like could you please stop leaving your clothes all over the floor when it's nine o'clock and he comes home and he's like you have no idea the day that I have had, and so it was the wrong time. And so we were like what does it look like to have a space that's open? And so what? Um, using just different resources we've heard from other people we created together what's called the marriage. We called it the marriage meeting and, um, what we would do, and still do, is the first Sunday of every month, we go eat out somewhere, like for just um, in the beginning of our marriage, there was this place called the Magnolia Thomas house and it had like great pastries and soup and coffee, and that was our go-to place. We've they've closed now.
Tori:We'd go somewhere else, but every the first Sunday of every month, we were there with our day planner and we would ask each other three simple questions. We've added a fourth and I'll share that, but the first one is what's going well? And so we would say like, hey, um, what, what's going really well in our marriage right now? And it could be like the simplest things, like, um, hey, the house has been really clean, or you've had the snacks that I like taking to work in the fridge, or um, you know, uh, I really appreciate you um ironing my stuff or my meeting or whatever. Or it could be like hey, our love life is like on point, you know it like it all the things.
Tori:Yeah, like, hey, our love life is like on point, you know it. Like it all the things. Like there's we, we have a um, a code now, in case our kids are refined, our marriage main books. It's like part life, equal, like good, you know, that way, if our kids are refined, it like what does that mean? Um, but it's, you know, it's a part of of the best parts of marriage. And so then we would also ask what can we work on? And it was a place that we, we chose. Hey, if there's something going on that's wrong, we are going to save it for the marriage meeting. Because if we save it for the marriage meeting, a, we're in the mindset to have feedback, we're in the mindset to receive that from our spouse, because if it makes it to the marriage meeting, it's really a thing. If you say it at nine o'clock on a Wednesday night, it might just be that you're tired and it's not really a thing. And so the things that were really the sandpaper moments and the really the rubs made it to the marriage meeting.
Tori:I remember, um, I, I come from a family that's very like jokey. We joke a lot. I remember one time in our marriage meeting, brandon was like, babe, the chest slicing sarcasm has got to stop. And I was like, oh no, oh my gosh. I was like, okay, it made it to the marriage meeting. I have been sarcastic and I was like, I hear you, I hear you and I'm sorry. Like I received that or um, you know, when it gets to Friday and there's no clean shirts, it's really stressful for me and I feel like I can't show up as a work, as a professional, and it changes the whole attitude of my day. Like those are just some examples of feedback. And I was like, okay, I received that and so, and I've, you know, given him feedback as well. And so when you're able to work on those things together, um, in, you're there for it, just like you would be in a feedback meeting at work.
Tori:So what's going well?
Tori:What can we work on? And then we ask what is God showing you? I love this one so much because I know there are lots of people who get to sit down and get to do their devotions together and get to immediately tell each other what God's showing them. Our life is not like that. Our devotions are.
Tori:He does his devotion at the office, I do mine at home, wherever I can fit it in during the day with the kids, and so there's so many times that I have no idea how God is working in his heart, and so we sit down and he will tell me what God is is teaching him or what you know what's going on, and it's never what I think it is, and so it's a place where I feel like I get to. I get to be the one to pursue um, hearing who God is creating him to be, um and um. We write all these down in our, in our um calendar. There's an extra sheet in our calendar, and at the end of the year we go back and we see, like, what has God showed?
Leanne:us together as a whole year.
Tori:And then the fourth. The fourth question that we've added recently is what is the biggest, what's the biggest risk in this season when you're in business anywhere? We talk about risk analysis. We talk about, like, what could be, where's the win, loss, like what's the what could be in this season that could throw us together off of our, our marriage connection. A lot of times it's being busy. We have a lot of. You know, if it's a season of a lot of activities, we're going into Christmas, as we're recording this, that we'd be so busy that we don't see each other or that we don't budget well, and then it stresses us out or what's, what's the risk, or that we don't take time to see each other. And so we ask the exact same questions every month. We look at our calendar together. We do like a review preview, like what are the wins from last month, what do we have coming up on the calendar, and we try to plan something to look forward to.
Tori:So this does not replace a date at all.
Tori:This is a meeting, but it also keeps dates date, because when you've already talked about the important things, then when you are going out for a walk or a coffee, those things get to stay the fun things, because you go from these early days of dating where everything is new and you're in love and all these things, and, as life goes, you have more responsibilities together and then people think like, oh, I've fallen out of love with this person.
Tori:It's like, no, you haven't fallen out of love, you just you, the, the demands of your relationship are more, and so if we can keep those um in this space that's safe, where we receive and give feedback, then we get to keep the other parts, the fun parts, um, and we don't blindside each other with hey, uh, let me just tell you what you're doing wrong tonight, you know? Right, right, yeah, yeah. So that's a long explanation, but I know that I think that we created it out of I don't use the word fear. I would like to think that we created it out of intentionality, but really out of. I see the risk and like I want you more.
Leanne:Mm hmm, I love. There's a couple of things that you said that I really loved and I think that just that acknowledgement of this is essential. This is not a luxury, this is an essential thing, like we have to have this in order for the health of this marriage. And really prioritizing each other, I think, is what makes the marriage last forever. And there is another thing oh, I really like the whole section on the feedback and that if it makes it to the meeting, then it's something that's important.
Leanne:But I think what makes that really cool is, as someone like I personally have a hard time with like criticism, what makes that really cool as as someone like I personally have a hard time with like criticism, and so it's. But knowing that that is a part of it and kind of expecting to hear feedback, is really great. And then my husband is not necessarily one to share a lot of critical feedback, but it gives him the opportunity to share something if it was on his heart and mind. So I just love that in there. And, like you said at the end, that then you get to have your date nights as just the fun, sweet time together, because you've already handled all of this and I can't. I mean, I definitely can see how this brings you closer in an intimate way too, because you've laid it all out and you've handled it, so it's just that's really beautiful, I love.
Tori:I love how you guys do that. We need that encouragement, like both wives and husbands, and I think that sometimes, you know, it's easy to send a text message and say, hey, I appreciate you, but depending on where someone is in a day, did, like, did that really make that big of a difference? Or, you know, I especially I, in different ways, like husbands, so need our respect to know that they're doing well and that affirmation. But wives need it in a different way too, especially when we're running a home because we were saying like hey, do you see me, do you see the things that are going on here? And so, um, when our we're sitting across the table from each other, looking each other in the eyes, and and when we're saying, hey, what's going well, and our spouse looks at us and says, hey, this is going really well, like, I see you, I think it.
Tori:Also we never can sugarcoat the fact that we are in a culture that really celebrates I didn't want to use the word cheating, but like we have a culture that, like in movies and stuff, like that is not necessarily celebrating, um, like faithfulness, and so if we have people, if there's people at work or other places and lives that are even just feedback ways at work, saying like, hey, I really appreciate you doing this, do you're doing a great job. If they're used to hearing it from us, it's like, oh, thank you. But if they're starving for affirmation from us, or if I'm starving from affirmation, it hits in a different way. And that doesn't mean that just because someone compliments you, that you're, you know, all of a sudden distracted. But as believers, our marriages should look so different, our marriages should look so solid.
Tori:And those things are, are biblical, like building each other up, going to each other first when there is an offense, sharing what the lord has done, those those stones of remembrance in your life, and always being ready. And so when you're connecting in all those places, it is, it is saying like we're arming up for battle, but also coming into the safe place that like that God has created our marriages to be, and I I think that that is a picture to the world of the gospel also, so that we have an opportunity to like, oh, like we. You know we need someone to pray for us. We're going to go over there because we know that whatever they're doing in their marriage to follow God looks different than what we're experiencing here.
Leanne:Yeah, oh, that's so good. And to tie it back to the gospel too, and and what a great example for your children too that this is what a healthy marriage looks like, and I think that's. I think that's so great.
Tori:So they love it one day. They, they, they. Right now they're like not another marriage meeting.
Leanne:I love that. But they know, they know the thing and that's. That's a really cool. I love that. My, my husband loves to be very affectionate to me right in front of the kids. The more we can gross them out, the better.
Tori:Oh yes, that's a real thing. Our kids, our kids, need to know like this space, this happening in this space, is the best thing ever. So when you get to this space, like I think that we kind of tiptoe around it a little bit. I'm not sure if it's just the generations before us that we're trying to figure out how to say it in a great, in a good way. But I'm like if you read Song of Solomon, you'll be real grossed out. But also one day, when you're married, you also can be real happy.
Leanne:So, yeah, yeah, oh, I love that. So I love this marriage meeting. I mean, I'm sold on it. So how would you encourage a woman or wife to be able to bring this up with her husband as something that she would like to do? Like, how do you go about initiating something like a marriage meeting?
Tori:Yeah, I think that I think that the goal would be um, I was actually talking to a friend about this just a couple of months ago when we were talking about she hasn't married a super long time and she was talking about trying to to find that space where, like that connection it wasn't like popcorn connection, like where there was that real deep connection and I think it's explaining to our spouse like, hey, babe, I want to see you more, like I want to get to know, I want to know the things that I can pray for you.
Tori:And, um, you almost like can shortcut it and be like hey, how would you like to have more kisses in your life? Like, let me give you the express way to that, because you're already in this space where this connection is here. So you're like we got 30 minutes but we don't have to have a sit down, have a conversation. I joke, but I don't, because when you're talking to your spouse I don't know any spouse that would would be against like when you say hey, I want, I want to know how to better serve you. I really would love to know how I can do a better job of seeing you and serving you. Would you be willing to try this with me? I there's I heard there's these four questions that we could ask. Let's sit down and have a cup of coffee, would you be willing? Because I really want to see you and celebrate you and I really want to know how I can do better and when, as humans, we really like to push back on feedback. We don't really like to hear what we're doing wrong, no matter what it is. I mean, we just we don't want to hear. We want to hear, like all the good things, which is why we do the other question first, like what's going well. We kind of cushion it Like here's the great thing. Yeah, let's talk about the other things, um, but I think that just going to your spouse, whether it's your husband or wife, in an attitude of humility and an approachable moment and just saying, hey, I really, um, I know there's some things I could do better and I really want to be able to to champion you on and to be able to be um, to serve you better and love you better, Would you be willing to try this with me? Um, and let's see how it goes, let's write down the things and let's try it.
Tori:And, um, and and other people's marriage meeting may look different than ours there. There may be things in your season that are different. It's like hey, let's adjust this, maybe you have to have them at home, maybe you need to have them, you know, in a pocket of time, or different. We like to have them at the beginning of the month because it really just kind of allows us to to close and open the schedule. Well, um, but I think that really humility and being like this is because I want to love you better and not going like it's not, it's not about me, it's that we are one and so, like I want to protect our oneness, like, tell me how I can do that. Let's, let's go to this space, um.
Tori:And then, when you get to the space, then you have the conversations and I will say, if you start doing marriage meetings, you might find some friction in the beginning because it's like any other skill, um, it's a, it's a new thing, and you might feel like that tension of of hearing those things or figuring out how to have that space together. And I would say I would encourage you to push through that, because every marriage meeting is not a pleasant marriage meeting. There are real seasons of life that are like that was a miserable marriage meeting. But we I've one specifically. I can think it was a really hard season of life. I was like, well, that was terrible. Okay, yeah, I have some things to work on, but praise the lord that it was in that safe space.
Tori:So when we stood up we threw away our takeaway mugs and it was a really bad cookie that we got at that bookstore coffee shop. I remember it. I was like, well, this is not helping the marriage make at all. This is a disgusting, disgusting cookie. Get a good dessert. It really helps. Good coffee, good dessert pads, rough conversations, but, um, if you have a bad marriage meeting, don't think that is a reason to throw in the towel. Push through, um, cause those are not the, those are not the norm, um, and be willing to lean into that space and hear your spouse. When you approach them and ask them that listen, to understand where they're at, not to respond and say, well, this is where I'm at, because the whole goal is closeness and oneness.
Leanne:Yeah, oh, that's so good, such an intentional thing to do with your marriage. And I actually really do appreciate that beginning of the month thing. It's like sets the tone. That's really good. Yes, the planner in me is like, yes, yes, I love that.
Tori:And typically people marry somebody with a different personality. My husband is like all the T's and the I's dotted cross at work. He likes to come home and be in his space and relax. And I'm a planner and everything. I just like all the plans and so this gives us that one space where, once we've done this, then everything else is relaxed and he doesn't have to be on because he leads so much at work and he has teams and he's you know, he's organizing in so many things and spelling so many things out to people at work. We just kind of know this is the expectation, so it doesn't feel like an extra chore, right? Like well, I've been planning all day at work and now when I come home my wife has all these questions for me. Um, yeah, it's just energy.
Leanne:It's a safe space and it's and the other thing that I'm hearing that I think is important is that it's not. This meeting isn't taking place at your home, it's somewhere else.
Tori:Yes, we like to go out, we like to go out to a.
Tori:There have been a couple that have been at home like right after babies, just because you're nursing or you know you're just trying to protect your dignity in the world.
Tori:You're like, but we always pick up a coffee, like we'll still pick up a, like we typically drop off our kids at my mom's house and so we'll still pick up something yummy to drink, something yummy to eat and then sit at our table and do it, or we'll sit on the back deck.
Tori:But I would say that, if you can, leaving the house is so important because otherwise you're surrounded by, like that silent to-do list, everything that's telling you, especially as wives, like, okay, I hear you, but let me let me switch the laundry real quick One second. Let me just take the dog out, and so when we are going to, and also if you have a harder conversation, you're leaving that conversation at that space that you're at. So say, you're having, you know, a marriage meeting at a coffee shop outside near your home. If you have a good or hard conversation, you also get to close it, leave it there and then go home to your safe space. So you're still not bringing any. I don't want to say dissension or argument, but you're still not bringing any friction into your house because you did the friction part there.
Leanne:Yeah, I love that. I think that's, I think that's actually really, really important, but that there's flexibility with that. But I think that that's a really good thing.
Tori:Don't make it the norm.
Leanne:Yeah, yeah. I feel like we can talk about this for like a few more hours because there's so many things in here, but if any listeners wanted to get in touch with you or had some follow-up questions, what would be the best way for them to get in touch?
Tori:with you. They could find me on Instagram. Well, I have a marriage meeting Instagram and now I'm blanking on the handle. I'll send it to you for the show notes. I think it's the marriage meeting, the monthly marriage meeting. I forget the forget the first. The first handle I tried was taken, so I think it's.
Tori:I think it's monthly marriage meeting. Um, but I'll let you, I'll give it to you so you can link it in the show notes. Um, but there's also in my Instagram bio there. Um, there's actually a free printable for marriage meetings. So if you want to try it, you can just click on it um, print it off, and it's really just to help you get started, um, to kind of walk you through that. Um, and it also helps if you're just starting with your spouse, like we're just going to complete this one piece of paper and then the beauty of that is you're with your person. So obviously other conversations are going to happen during that.
Tori:So, um, I just I told my husband years ago when I was creating. I said I just looking back at all of our friends and the people that we love and, um, I remember a girl said to me one time and unfortunately they ended up divorced but, um, uh, as far as I know, they weren't walking with the Lord in their marriage. She said everybody around me just like pretty much poopoo's on marriage, Like says, well, you're treated that way, we'll just leave. Just leave, she goes. You're one of the first people that I've talked to that you think marriage is worth fighting for.
Tori:And I remember telling my husband it's like this one sheet of paper can encourage somebody else that your marriage is worth fighting for, that your grandkids can look back and say, like our grandparents fought for this and our whole family, um generation is different because they had those conversations. Then it's worth it because, um, because marriage is worth fighting for and keeping those people in your life who will champion um marriages. And if you don't have those people in your life, then finding those spaces outside, even if it's on Instagram or podcasts, whatever, like finding those voices that speak life into that. And so that's that's why I created that Instagram page is because I wanted to be that, a voice that says, hey, this is a gift from the Lord, marriage is worth fighting for, amen, sister.
Leanne:My last question for you, as we wrap it up here, is if you could recommend one book on the topic of marriage. What book would you recommend for someone to read?
Tori:There's a lot of really good books on marriage. The one that comes to mind that I really love, um, a friend of mine who's farther in the season of marriage than I am, sent it to me and it's called finding the hero in your husband and um. One of my favorite quotes from the book is you don't marry the man of your dreams. You help the man you marry become the man of his dreams. And that has always stuck with me, because you know, we dream about this, this man that is going to be all of these things, um, and half the time we think we're going to change the person that we married into that person.
Tori:But is there anything like more attractive than a man who is so confident in who he is and as life? We get to be the cheerleader and say, like, what are you dreaming about? Like, what do you? My husband, I would just. He's working on his dissertation Lord willing, he'll be graduating from his PhD program next year and he was just sharing his heart about it and we were just talking about like, what do you want next? And him sharing that, and so I could try to push in what I want out of our life or what I think it should look like, but he's the leader of our family and so if he's becoming the person who he dreams to be and who God has it for him to be, our whole family benefits from it. And it was sweet to receive that from a friend who was later in life in marriage and has a godly marriage, because I was like she read this and this works.
Leanne:And, uh, I will receive this book with a highlighter. I love that. I love that. Well, tori, thank you so much. You have so much wisdom and I just really appreciate you sharing all of that with us today. And I can see there being some New Year's resolutions with marriage meetings top of the list, so I know I'll be one of those too, thank you. Thank you for having me.