Whatever Is Excellent with Leanne Tuggle

48: The Power of Communication in Motherhood with Shelley Tyson

• Leanne • Season 4 • Episode 48

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What if the most powerful tool you have as a parent isn't what you say, but how you listen? In this illuminating conversation with Shelley Tyson, we explore the transformative impact of speaking life over our children – especially during the challenging teenage years.

Shelley, a mother of four including three teenage girls, shares with remarkable candor how she's discovered that effective communication begins not with perfect words, but with attentive listening. "Words of life actually start with listening," she explains, "not just listening to the other person, but if you are a follower of Christ, it is listening to your Heavenly Father."

The conversation takes us through practical wisdom for navigating conflict with compassion, understanding hormonal influences on communication, and helping teenage girls navigate complex friendship dynamics. One particularly powerful insight emerges when Shelley shares how she helped her daughter preserve a friendship while maintaining healthy boundaries – demonstrating that clarity and kindness can coexist beautifully.

Beyond verbal communication, we discover how our daily rhythms silently communicate our priorities to our watching children. These unspoken messages often prove more influential than our carefully chosen words. As Shelley puts it, "They are observing and now it has that trickle-down effect of communication to them."

For the overwhelmed parent feeling stretched thin, Shelley offers this surprisingly simple shift: stop talking. By simply repeating back what your child says in the form of a question, you communicate value, respect and love without having to formulate the perfect response.

The conversation concludes with a moving reading of Psalm 139, reminding us that our identity and our children's worth are firmly established in God's perfect knowledge and love. Listen now to transform how you communicate with your children and speak life that nurtures their hearts and spirits.

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Leanne:

Shelley, thank you so much for joining me here again. I'm so excited to have you back on the show and just sharing more of your wisdom and insight to both as a wife and a mom. I just really admire you and truly appreciate all that you have to share, and especially on this topic that we're talking about today, which is pursuing excellence with our words, and especially in regards to how we speak life over our children. So before we dive into that, would you mind sharing just a little bit about who you are and maybe a little bit of background on communication, your background with communication?

Shelley:

Yeah, leanne, thank you so much for having me again. I can't remember how long it was before when we spoke the first time, and so I'm excited to be back and specifically to be talking about a topic that I actually never imagined in a million years I would be talking about on a podcast. But before we get into that which I'm excited about, I am Shelly Tyson. I'm married to Brian and we have been married for almost 17 years and we live right outside Atlanta, georgia, with four kids. We have three girls that are in ninth grade, seventh grade and fifth grade, and then we have a son who's in third grade.

Shelley:

So that was my first full-time job is with them. They're in hybrid school, so we kind of homeschool, they're kind of in school, and I get a lot of together time with them, which I'm really, really grateful for. And then, when I'm not doing full-time motherhood, them, which I'm really really grateful for. And then, when I'm not doing full-time motherhood, I also run a piano studio out of my home. That is my given trade, I guess. If you could say I'm a professional pianist by trade, and so I teach piano lessons four days a week to kids coming in and out of my home and love that, but I also love words and so I'm excited to talk about that and kind of what that has to do with, kind of my whole life and how God has been able to use that and give me a passion for communication and also, as you mentioned, communication as a mother to my children.

Leanne:

I love that so much. So one of the things that I have heard you say a lot is that nothing is wasted in God's economy, and I love that phrase. I find myself using it now too. So what I'm curious to know is how do you feel that that has played a role in how your background with communication has segued into how you speak with your children, and especially your teenage girls?

Shelley:

Woven into the story that God has written for me so far. Woven into the story that God has written for me so far. It's crazy because, as I look back, I did not have an appreciation for communication as a young child. In fact, I actually was very nervous about speaking in front of people. I remember my parents I would use the word forced my siblings and I to take part in a Toastmasters club as homeschoolers, and we did it once a month and they would require us to do a speech every single month, and I remember aiding those meetings and so from a very early age I would not have described myself as someone passionate about words, and certainly not passionate about communication.

Shelley:

But what's interesting is, music is a language and I was passionate about music.

Shelley:

I played piano all the way through grade school and high school into college, and I always loved how music could speak when words couldn't, and so I would say that God developed a passion in me for other forms of communication outside of words all the way through my growing up years, and it wasn't until I became an entrepreneur about eight years ago that I really dove into the world of words. Say that 10 times fast the world of words and really how that is integrated into the whole world of communication and particularly the power of words. And really how that is integrated into the whole world of communication and particularly the power of words, and how we relate to each other both as mothers, as wives, as people in our communities. And so I would say over the past eight years God has bloomed that part of communication for me, but it really has been kind of a lifelong passion that I see that he's developed and that's where the nothing is wasted part comes in is I can now see the threads connected in that.

Leanne:

Oh, I love that so much. And so then, when it comes to speaking life with your children, how have you noticed a difference in your work, like, how have your words made a difference in their lives?

Shelley:

It's interesting because my kids are close in age and so when they they were all born within six years of each other, and so when they were little, I felt like I was having to use a lot of words every single day.

Shelley:

You know, this is how we sit on the potty, this is how we open the door, this is how we feed ourselves, this is how we, and so in all the training of them as they were younger, I started to notice that when I used words of affirmation, it would fill up their cup, and then when I would use words that were not words of affirmation, more like what I would consider like lecturing words not necessarily negative, but more lecturing to them, then they would tend to shut down more.

Shelley:

And so I just started having this kind of awareness around how they reacted to the training that we were doing every single day, based on how I positioned my words to them, and certainly it was different with each one of them because they're wired differently and their personalities are different, but overall, I would say, when I was using words that affirmed them, which I would consider words of life, then they were much more likely to want to buy in and come on board with whatever the training was that we were doing with them, and that has just grown and blossomed as they've gone through elementary middle and now high school.

Leanne:

I love that so much and I can definitely hear that and I've experienced that for myself with my own children. Like you're saying, I could lecture all day long. I used to be a teacher. So standing there talking to them and then their eyes glaze over and no one's listening. So I love that you found, hey, if I speak in this way, they're more likely to hear me. What I'm curious about is how you are intentional with those words of affirmation, especially in moments where there is conflict or there's frustration or, you know, emotions are high. How can, how are you still able to use those words of life?

Shelley:

Well, first I want to say I'm not perfect Totally, and so I think it's important for your listeners to understand that this is a journey.

Shelley:

There is no book of like how to use words of life for dummies, and so you just follow the book and you do it perfectly every time.

Shelley:

But one thing that I would say is I think when we are thinking about speaking words of life, we often miss the non-verbal part of being a good communicator, which is listening. So words of life actually start with listening, not just listening to the other person, but if you are a follower of Christ, it is listening to your Heavenly Father, because that is the ultimate source of where words of life come from, and we know from Scripture that he is the Word Ruth, capital T, and so I think that as mothers, sometimes we can think about well, how can I say this in a way that they'll actually get it right? But the most important thing is, are we listening first to our Heavenly Father and are we listening to our children first? So I think listening to our Heavenly Father is the first step for us if we want to be communicators of life over our children, over our spouses, over the people that are in our lives, and sometimes as mothers, we can get so caught up and we miss that first step.

Leanne:

Mm-hmm. How would you discern when it's the right time to speak and when it's the right time to listen?

Shelley:

That's a really good question.

Shelley:

I think, especially when there's conflict and tension happening, I it's important to wait to speak until the conflict has been resolved or at least the tension has been diluted, so that there is a willingness to listen on your part and on their part, because when emotions are high, typically listening is going to be much harder for you and for your kiddo, and so that is where you have to discern kind of what is the currency of your child?

Shelley:

Some children need to go away and they need to let you know when they're ready to listen and when you're ready to talk. Other children it can just be a few minutes and then they're ready. So I think as a mother, you have to discern that, but at least for myself, I've also learned for myself that I don't listen well when I am emotionally high, and so I need to get myself regulated, get my nervous system back in order, before I even start the listening process. So I would say that discernment is important and also it comes from the Holy Spirit too. There are moments when I literally am crying out loud with my words Holy Spirit, help me know how to handle this situation, and he is our helper and he will help us Absolutely.

Leanne:

Oh, I love that. I love that and I think you're right. It's knowing your child, knowing what they need in that moment, and then also yourself. That's something that I've been working out with my 10 year old is that I like to resolve conflict right away. I don't like to, I don't like to to perseverate. I just want to get better and get back on track right away. She needs time, and so that's been like something that we've had to work through, and so I hear what you're saying about knowing what they need. They're the child, you're the adult, like let them do what they need and then come back and circle back to that conversation when everyone's willing to listen.

Shelley:

Yes. I love that I will also say on a practical note, especially with girls, because we're talking about girls and that is most of my experience right now is with my ninth grader, seventh grader and fifth grader. Also, as a mother, understanding where they are hormonally is very important. Where you are in the month and where they are in the month is very, very important, and I think sometimes we can kind of put that on the back burner, pretend like it's not a big deal, but it actually is a huge deal.

Leanne:

When it comes to handling conflict and tension in a communication kind of a way, how do you check yourself to make sure that you're modeling what you want your kids to imitate, especially the girls, since they're looking at you as their mom? How do you kind of check your own self?

Shelley:

One of the things that I found really, really helpful, especially with my girls, is being honest with them about when I'm struggling to communicate well. So a practical example is the other day I was having a hard day. I had not slept well, I was tired. There were other physical things happening and I told my daughter I say in a little while, when mommy has come back to a regulated place, and so for me sometimes that looks like just going in a quiet room and turning on worship music for a minute. Sometimes it looks like praying really quickly. Sometimes it literally looks like just reading a scripture or a truth to myself about hey, communication is important, this is important. They are watching how I handle this and it is worth the work for me to be able to be in the right mindset and the right heart posture before we handle this. So being honest with them about my humanity, I think, has been something that has freed them to be honest so that we can work together to be a good communication team.

Leanne:

Absolutely. You're modeling the honesty that you want them to also share with you. So I've heard you say before that your habits and your rhythms are silently communicating your priorities. Do you have any examples that you could share with us about what you mean by that?

Shelley:

I think that is such a great question because it recognizes that communication is so much more than our words, and I think, especially for us moms, it's really important for us to remember that our words are communicating, but also our lives are communicating to our kids, and one of the things that I have become very aware of is especially how my high schooler and my middle schooler are watching how I start my day. They are watching my rhythms and how they impact my attitude when I wake up in the mornings, and so for years I woke up at like 4.30 in the morning. By the time my kids got up, I had already been up for two and a half hours and I was like ready for the day.

Shelley:

As my children have gotten older, they like to stay up later and need to be more present later in the evenings, which means that my wake up time has gotten later than it was before, than it was before.

Shelley:

And yet I have had to look at how can I model to them, getting my body, my appearance and my heart in the right place to be positioned correctly for the day. And so I have changed some of my morning rhythms, but they still reflect what is most important, which is get my mind and my heart positioned towards the Lord, which looks like a devotion and quiet time with the Lord. Even sometimes it's five minutes, so I don't want your listeners to think, oh, she spends three hours in the Word, but just a few minutes to get locked in with truth. Then I get dressed for the day, I make up my bed and then I encounter my kids, and what's cool about this is I have not verbally communicated to my girls hey, this is how we start the day, but I have noticed that my girls have started to follow that same type of pattern because they're observing it in me.

Shelley:

So it's not a home rhythm that we have, like said, hey, this is what we as a family do, but they are observing and now it has that like trickle down effect of communication to them of, hey, this is kind of how we get positioned spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically for the day that.

Leanne:

God has given. I love that so much and I really like to we hear that phrase. More is caught than taught, and that is reminding me of that that they're seeing what you're doing and again, you're not lecturing, you are simply doing what you know you need to do, based on what your Heavenly Father has spoken over you, and then now they are getting to experience that too, and there's so many wonderful things in there that I love. With that, in this season of raising teenagers and teenage girls, have you found yourself going back to a certain portion of Scripture, or are there certain truths that you feel like you've been really clinging to in this season?

Shelley:

Yes, I feel like we're in the trench of helping our girls learn how to relate to other people in a healthy way, and when I say that, I don't mean like emotional intelligence as much as just interpersonal skills, and if you have girls that are towards that middle school age, you know what I'm talking about. And so I feel like we have ample opportunity every single day to work through. How do we speak words of life over other people? How do we set the tone when we walk into a room of life? How do we posture and position ourselves as girls to be the girls that people want to be friends with, because they know that you are going to be the same in front of them as you are when you're not with them?

Shelley:

And so one of the things that I have been just clinging to as I've been helping my girls work through this, is Proverbs 18, 21, which you probably are familiar with, but it says the tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Shelley:

And reminding my girls that how they speak has the power to build up or to tear down, and also what they allow themselves to be entertained around from a conversation standpoint has the ability to give them a reputation of either life or death. So I'll give a practical example, because I know a lot of these things we can like assent to in our brain, right. But then we're like but what does this actually look like, right? So recently one of my girls was struggling with a friend with some boundaries, and so she had kind of set up some boundaries and she wasn't really sure how to communicate those boundaries to her friend without hurting her friend. And so one of my favorite quotes is Brene Brown's clarity is kindness. I don't know everything that Brene says, but I love that quote because clarity is kindness, but there is a way to say things in a clear way that leaves the other person honored and respected, and loved.

Shelley:

And so we had to sit down and map out here is how you can communicate with this friend in a clear, kind, respectful way, to preserve the friendship, to leave her feeling built up and also to respect the boundaries that you have put in place. And so we worked through it. There were a bunch of text messages that were exchanged throughout the experience, but what that communication led to was it led to a preservation in their friendship.

Shelley:

It led to confidence in my daughter that she can actually set boundaries and stick to them without damaging friendships, and it deepened my relationship with her because we sat next to each other and worked through this together. So that is why words matter, because so much more than what comes out of our mouth, they literally have the power to build up or to tear down. That's the life and the death element of that Proverbs scripture. So that's one of the many scriptures that I've longed to reason and have brought up over and over and over again for myself and also for my girls.

Leanne:

That's such a good one. Wow, All of that right there. I'm just totally tracking with my daughter and I've also had some friendship things to work through, even just already at 10. So I can see how that is just going to progress as she gets older and the nuances of those friendships. But I love that you are bringing the back to the truth in the word and helping them see how the power of their words matters, how much that matters. What is your hope for your kids as they look back on your words and your presence during their teenage years? Like what? What's your like forward thinking? Like what do you hope that they glean from that someday?

Shelley:

you know, for the longest time. I think that list was long, leanne, but I think the longer I parent, the shorter the list gets and ultimately, I want my children to walk out my door hopefully at 18, because I am working myself out of a job. I want them to know Jesus, to want to know him and love him more and to love people deeply, to want to know him and love him more and to love people deep.

Leanne:

It's beautiful, that's it, yeah. Yeah, I mean that's the love, the Lord, your God, with all your heart, soul and mind, and then love others. That's so good.

Shelley:

Yes, and so, at the end of the day, if that is true and their hearts are continually pointed towards falling in love with Jesus, being transformed by him, the communication, all of that stuff is going to follow. That kind of goes back to what I said earlier about listening first to our heavenly father. When we're rooted in that, a lot of these things will take care of themselves. It doesn't mean it's not going to be messy or we're not going to do it wrong, but it does mean that a lot of these dominoes are going to fall in the right direction when we get that right.

Leanne:

The simplicity of that is actually really liberating. Just to know it doesn't have to be complicated, like you said, there isn't a book of these certain words we're supposed to be saying. There isn't that.

Shelley:

No, and that's why we need the power of the Holy Spirit because, there is nuance here and especially as your kids are getting into those teenage years, it can be really tricky to help them navigate in a way that, especially in the age of technology- when you're texting, you're not having face-to-face conversations, you know all these kinds of things, and that's why I continually come back to okay, but his grace is sufficient.

Shelley:

He has said that. He has said that when we remain in him, the fruit will come, john 15. So if that is true, which it is, then that is our posture, that is our position, and the rest of it will take care of itself.

Leanne:

So good. So for the mom who's listening and is feeling maybe overwhelmed or a little stretched thin right now, do you have one simple shift that she can make today to kind of walk into that speaking life over her kids?

Shelley:

I just want to say to that mom, you are not alone.

Leanne:

You are not alone.

Shelley:

I think that's the most important thing. I think, as moms, we can be so hard on ourselves, thinking I should have all of this figured out, I should be speaking life over my kids, like we know that right from scripture. So you are not alone in being stretched thin and feeling like you have nothing left to give. The simple shift that I would encourage more than anything else is that, when it comes to speaking life, the first step is to stop talking.

Leanne:

Brilliant.

Shelley:

Yes, which is hard it's easier said than done, right, yeah, but stop talking and start listening. And the easiest way to do this if you have kids that are speaking if they're toddlers, this is not so much the case but if they are able to speak, the easiest thing is when they come to talk to you. Instead of responding with words that are from you, just repeat back to them what they said in a question. So a simple example is your, you know, let's say, your kindergartner walks into the kitchen and says Mommy, mommy, mommy, I just built this, you know whatever Lego, and you're set, and you're thinking I really don't care, I just need to get dinner on the table, right, but you know that you need to speak life over them.

Shelley:

In that moment, you just turn to them and turn it into a question and say, oh, you just built a new lego set. You're literally repeating the words that they said in the form of a question, and that is a way to affirm them as a person, you have value, I respect you, I love you, I want to be in relationship with you, and so you don't need to come up with anything new to say, literally just repeat it in the form of a question. That's going to keep them talking and you just move on. So listening first, so don't say anything. Or if you have to say something, just repeat what they say back to you in the form of a question, unless they're asking a question, in which case that might be.

Leanne:

Good, keep going Questioned all day. I love that, but that is, that's a. It's a simple thing you can do. And in even in that simplicity cause I can hear my boys say that exact phrase to me all day long and just repeating the question back to them. I'm not reinventing anything, but they do feel so proud of themselves and then, yeah, they carry on the conversation, or that was it. They just needed to tell me. And sometimes that's it, and even with my girl, who's not in that same little stage, but she still just, sometimes just wants to tell me and I just need to listen and that's good, so good.

Shelley:

Exactly and sometimes helping yourself listen and connect with them. It requires you to turn around and look at them and just repeat back, because that requires you to actually listen.

Leanne:

So that is part of the active listening that I think they want more than anything else, I agree, I think that's so good and it doesn't take so much effort on our part, which I think is the part that we forget so good. Well, there's so many wonderful things that were said here today, and I know that I had asked you to select a psalm that you felt would just kind of encapsulate all of this conversation over words, and so, to close today, I would love for you to read that psalm for us, and that it can just encourage and bless all of us.

Shelley:

I love the Word of God and I love that it is always perfect in communicating exactly what we need.

Leanne:

Yes.

Shelley:

And exactly the perfect character of God, and so I think this is the perfect way for us to end, and I want to read Psalm 139, because this is truth that communicates our identity in Christ as mothers, but it also communicates identity for our children, and so it can be an encouragement to both of us and to our kids as well.

Shelley:

So Psalm 139 says you have searched me, lord, and you know me. You know when I sit down and when I rise. You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down. You are familiar with all of my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you, lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.

Shelley:

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. It's too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn and if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me. Your right hand will hold me fast.

Shelley:

If I say surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me. Even the darkness will not be dark to you. The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you, for you created my inmost being. You knit me together at my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you. When I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to. It's beautiful.

Leanne:

Thank you so much, shelley, just for sharing these words with us, and your pursuit of excellence in this area is bringing so much encouragement to me and to many women, so thank you so much for sharing with us.

Shelley:

Thank you, Leanne.