69: Raising Respectful Kids (Parenting Pointers Part 2) Artwork

Whatever Is Excellent with Leanne Tuggle

Encouragement and Inspiration for women choosing to rise above the “just survive” mentality and instead set their mind on thriving in all that they say and do. The ultimate goal is to equip you to pursue whatever is excellent in the midst of your ordinary life and in all that you say and do.

All Episodes

Whatever Is Excellent with Leanne Tuggle

69: Raising Respectful Kids (Parenting Pointers Part 2)

March 03, 2026 • Leanne • Season 5 • Episode 69

0:00 | 25:12

Respect doesn’t grow by accident; it grows under steady hands. We dive into why so many families feel stuck in constant negotiation, how peer culture and media undercut adult leadership, and what it takes to rebuild a peaceful home where kids know the boundaries and feel safe inside them. From the surprising power of names and titles to the subtle ways we erode our own authority, we connect everyday choices with the deeper values that form character.

We trace the shift from an adult-led to a peer-led culture, drawing on Leonard Sax’s The Collapse of Parenting and a biblical lens that frames authority as protective rather than oppressive. You’ll hear practical stories—like the moment a simple “no” ended back-and-forth arguments—and learn why fewer, better choices often serve kids more than a buffet of options. We also address the tension around “gentle parenting,” showing how warmth and clarity can coexist when we keep consequences consistent and expectations simple.

Along the way, we share concrete steps: reinstate respectful forms of address that fit your community, teach kids how to greet and respond to adults, set predictable boundaries for screens and routines, and model discernment with TV and music that normalize disrespect. Obedience becomes a formative practice, building humility, self-control, and wisdom for the long haul. If you’ve felt the weight of constant bargaining or the sting of backtalk, this conversation offers both a reset and a roadmap.

If this helped you rethink respect at home, subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review so more parents can find it. Tell us: what boundary will you reinforce this week?

Setting The Stage: Parenting Pointers

Leanne Tuggle 0:50

Last week we talked about raising grateful kids as a part of this mini series that we're doing right now on whatever is excellent, which I'm calling parenting pointers. And let me tell you, there is nothing more humbling than setting out to do a parenting series than realizing that the very things that you're talking to other people about are the things that you need to work on. Also, here I am setting out to talk about gratitude or teaching my kids to be respectful. And I am presented with tons of examples of where I am falling short as a parent. So know that as I am preparing this series for you and going over it with my own family, that I see areas where I am needing to improve and work on too. So we're kind of we're all in this together. Today we're going to be taking a look at what it means to raise respectful kids. And just like we discussed before when it comes to raising respectful kids in a culture that is really quite disrespectful these days, it needs to start with us. In this episode, it is my hope that we can bring to light the areas where we have failed to live rightly in the world God made and to take the next right step towards forming and teaching our children to go against the pull of culture and choose to be respectful humans. Kids today are more comfortable correcting adults, dismissing authority, or even speaking so casually to people that they don't even know well. That is way more common today than what it was 40 years ago. And way too often, we brush off this disrespect as just part of their personality or their self-expression. We are quick to apologize for our children instead of addressing their disrespectful actions and then requiring them to fix it. In his book, The Collapse of Parenting, Dr. Leonard Sachs calls it a culture of disrespect. This isn't isolated behavior anymore. Children today are simply more disrespectful, and I'm afraid that we have only ourselves to blame. Over the last 30 to 40 years, there has been a shift from an adult-led culture to a peer-led culture. Children are increasingly listening to their peers, media, and influencers more than they're listening to parents and teachers. Adults no longer are seen as reliable or trustworthy. And really, I mean, you could turn on the Disney channel for even just a few minutes, and you will find children talking back to adults. You will find adults who seem incapable or incompetent. And you'll see a lot of examples of kids teaming up together to solve problems. Adults are not even in the picture. I remember when I was younger, I watched a lot of episodes of Full House. That was one of my favorite shows. And within the 30-minute timeframe, it was usually the adults who were helping the kids sort through the problems by the end of the episode. But that's not the case anymore. Most TV shows today that are marketed for children show adults as incompetent or incapable, and children as the ones who are the smart, capable people. And again, I'm going to be referencing this book, The Collapse of Parenting, a bit in this episode. But Dr. Leonard Sachs, who is the author of that book, warns that when parents abdicate authority, someone else always steps in, and it's rarely someone wise. This reminds me of the story of King Rehoboam in 1 Kings 12. So his father was King Solomon, and when Solomon died, Rehoboam took counsel with the old men who had been his father's advisors. But then in 1 Kings 12, 8, it tells us this but he abandoned the counsel that the old men gave him and took counsel with the young men who had grown up with him and stood before him. The result of this decision, of his decision to not listen to the advice of the older men and only take the advice of his peers, led to fractured leadership and long-term consequences. In fact, if you look at the rest of the accounts of the kings of Israel, you can see that this is kind of the beginning of a swift decline from this moment, from this decision to listen to his peers instead of his elders. I mean, it was all downhill from there. When children are taught to value peer voices over adult wisdom, instability follows. Proverbs 12, 15 says, the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. Now the question on my mind, and maybe on yours, is how did this shift happen in the first place? How did we go from an adult-led culture to a peer-led culture? And is there any way to reverse the damage? I remember when I was young, all of the adults in my life were referred to by their last name. My friend's mom was Mrs. Roberts or Mrs. Anderson. In fact, half the time I don't even think I knew their first names. And I certainly would have never dreamed of calling any of these people by their first names. And yet, somehow, over the last couple of decades, kids have shifted to calling adults by their first names. Maybe they put like a miss in front of the name, but I honestly, for the life of me, cannot figure out how or why the shift even happened. The only thing I can think of is that as millennials, I am an elder millennial, as they may say, is that we've always kind of had this like uh resistance to what we call adulting. Like we don't want to be adulting today or whatnot. Like you've heard that before. So that's the only thing I can think of is that being referred to by our last names was like way too adult for us. And so somehow we've shifted into this mentality of like, oh, don't call me that. Just call me by my first name. That's the only thing I can think of. Because I've even encouraged my own children to refer to my friends by their first names, maybe calling them like Miss Sarah or Miss Michelle. I didn't even realize that I had done this until we were living in Japan and I met this one particular family with children who were a little bit older than my own, and they consistently referred to me as Mrs. Tuggle. And I remember thinking that it was a little bit odd, as most of my other friends, their kids, just called me Miss Leanne. But then the more I thought about it, the more I liked it. I was like, you know, that's that's what I used to do when I was little. And I have to say, those kids, the ones that called me Mrs. Tuggle, they were some of the most respectful and considerate kids. And my opinion of them was so high because they treated me with such respect and deference. And I can't help but think that that was because they referred to me by what is arguably a more respectful term by calling me by my last name, Mrs. Toggle. I also found myself treating them with more respect. And again, it goes back to that idea that respect is earned, not something you just get. I honestly have not been able to stop thinking about this. I've been thinking about it for several months now, as I've been preparing for this episode and doing some research on this. And I have since started retraining my own children to refer to adults by their last name. I want to get back to that. And I'll be honest with you, we've gotten a ton of weird looks because it just isn't the norm anymore. However, I keep thinking that this is one of the factors that's contributing to our current culture of disrespect. Because I see adults being more focused on being a friend to their children or seen as more of a peer than as an authority. And I think this is where the erosion of authority begins. It seems so subtle, and yet it is starting to erode. I also notice that more parents are negotiating with their children today than what they used to in the past, myself included. In fact, like I said, as I've been preparing for this, I am being confronted with so many examples of where there is disrespect even in our own family. And instead of just simply saying no, parents are giving like lists of reasons for their decisions. And children are experts at poking holes in arguments. In fact, just the other day, like literally a couple days ago, my kids were asking to watch one more show. And I found myself explaining why they couldn't. I was saying things like, Well, we have to get ready for dinner, or you need to clean up your toys. And right away they started arguing with me about it. And since this was top of mind for me, I realized what I had done. And so I backtracked and I said, Okay, I'm sorry, let me rephrase. No. The argument immediately stopped. They could tell by my tone of voice that that was it. There was no negotiating, there wasn't anything that they could say. How many times do you catch yourself saying everything else except for no? James 5, 12 puts it like this let your yes be yes and your no be no. And I think sometimes we overcomplicate it when we say a whole bunch of other things. Just no. Additionally, I think parents today are giving their children far too many choices. I'm all for it. I understand where it comes from. We want to empower our children, we want to build their confidence, but it has morphed into excessive choices given to children who aren't ready to carry that weight. We give our we set out outfits for our toddlers and say, which one do you want to wear? I mean, they just want to run around naked. They don't want to wear any of that. When we give them too many choices, we open up to all of these other things that they are they're able to argue about, right? Like I think about when you ask your kids, what do you want for dinner? What kid isn't going to say chicken nuggets or pizza? And now you've just invited an argument into it instead of saying, This is what we're having for dinner. They don't, you don't need to ask them their opinion or their choice. But so often we do that. Why do we do that? This kind of leads me to uh the next problem that I feel like I'm seeing more with our generation of parenting here, and that is this trend towards gentle parenting. And here's the thing: gentleness is biblical, it is one aspect of the fruit of the spirit, it is a good thing, but abdicating authority is not. Parents are increasingly asking permission instead of giving direction because over the years, authority has been reframed as something oppressive rather than protective. Romans 13:1 says, Let every person be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. The truth is that God has placed parents over children for their good. There is a design that God created for families. There is a specific hierarchy. I mean, he is a God of order, and we've kind of gotten away from that. Ephesians 6, 1 through 4 is probably the most foundational verse, and it really says it the best. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and your mother. This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you, that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. God, in his perfect wisdom, has entrusted these precious children to us. And since he is a God of order and peace, he calls children to obey and for parents to lead without exasperating. Like I said, there is a hierarchy within the family, and it requires respect from the authority of parents. God also intends this authority to be exercised with love, clarity, and consistency. A couple of years ago, I was at the playground with my kids, and there were a few other families there, and we we got together regularly to let our kids play while the moms could chat, you know. And this one particular time that stands out in my mind, one of the moms was relating some challenges she was having with her toddler, and we were all nodding along, like we we understood her laments. The struggle is real. We all had toddlers, we knew what she was talking about. But then I remember she said this. She said, I think it figured out the problem, though. And we all leaned in, like, okay, yes, you have a solution. Like, yeah, please tell us. We want to hear. And then she said, I think my son has ODD. And I remember kind of thinking, wait, you think he has oppositional defiance disorder? And she was like, Yes, it's the only thing that makes sense. And I remember at that moment just kind of like stepping back and thinking about that for a second. And now to be clear, I know that this is a very real disorder. I think that this is something there there are certain children that do struggle with, but I do not think that this is something that every child struggles with. I think that this is more of a rare case. And in this particular instance, I could tell that that was not what was going on here. What I saw was a mom desperately wanting something to explain what was going on instead of the responsibility falling on her to teach her child to be obedient. Her child was struggling with being disobedient, and she was looking for something else to excuse the behavior rather than it being on her shoulders to teach him to obey. In our world today, obedience is often viewed as dangerous or even outdated. And yet, the Bible tells us that obedience is formative. It teaches humility, wisdom, and self-control. Proverbs 3, 11 through 12 says, My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father, the son in whom he delights. Teaching your children obedience isn't easy, but it is the most loving thing that you could do as a parent. Labeling children as ODD or something else instead of teaching obedience and following through with consequences can sometimes be a way of avoiding hard parenting work. Parenting is hard. There is no doubt about that. But it is literally the job of a parent to teach our children how to behave both inside and outside of the home. We are the ones tasked with teaching our children right from wrong, even if it is hard or uncomfortable or it makes our children unhappy with us. Last week we talked about how our goal isn't to make our children happy. Happiness is literally not the ultimate goal, even if our current culture would like to say otherwise. You are not your child's friend. You are not here to please your child. Children actually feel safest when someone else is strong enough to lead them. When parents step down from their God-given authority role, children feel pressure, not freedom. Again, referencing Leonard Sachs's book, The Collapse of Parenting, which is, I will say, a very heavily researched book. There are pages and pages of notes and research studies that he has put into this book. So I highly recommend reading it if you're looking for more on this topic. But one of the things that stood out to me was this that he said researchers have found that permissive parenting leads to young adults with less sense of meaning and purpose in life, less autonomy and mastery of the world around them. Permissive parenting leads to lower emotional intelligence and lower personal growth. The children of permissive parents are more likely to become anxious and depressed. Does that sound like freedom? It doesn't sound like freedom to me. Instead, the most loving thing that you can do is teach your children to be obedient. Provide your children with structure and clear boundaries. Just like the guardrails that we see on like steep or curved roads, they're there to keep us safe and to keep us on the right path. This is what we as parents are instructed by God to provide for our children. It is our job to train up a child in the way he should go, just like it says in Proverbs 22, 6. So, practically speaking, this means our children need to be taught how to speak to adults, how to accept correction, and how to live under authority before they are trusted with freedom. Kids are not born respectful. This is something they must be taught. And you, as the parent, are the one for the job. Once again, teaching our children to be respectful begins with us. What do we laugh at or tolerate or excuse? We are teaching our children what is acceptable, whether we mean to or not. To be intentional when it comes to discipling your children. Encourage discernment when it comes up on TV shows or movies that you watch or the music that you listen to or the books that you read. Discuss examples of disrespect and then come up together with more respectful and God-honoring responses or actions. Respect is not something that will just happen automatically, especially in our world today. Your children need to learn the rules, how to be kind to someone, how to share, how to listen. They need consistent consequences when rules are broken. And they need to see respect for authority modeled, not just demanded. So, friends, let this be an encouragement or maybe even a challenge to reclaim your role as the parent. The crazy thing is that your child actually wants you to be the parent. Your child wants to know that no matter what they say or do, you will keep on loving them and steering them towards the right path. Their friends or peers cannot offer this same security and they know it. So love your child enough to teach them what it means to be respectful, even though this is extremely countercultural today. Your children will flourish when you choose to step up and lead your home with confidence, humility, and conviction. Children are a blessing, and God has entrusted you to be the parent. Allow me to read this to you as an encouragement and as a benediction. Psalm 127. Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go to bed late, eating the bread of anxious toil, for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Your children need you to be the authority that God has called you to be.