70: Raising Capable Kids (Parenting Pointers Part 3)

What if the best way to love our kids is to stop rescuing them? We dive into the surprising power of appropriate risk, unstructured play, and everyday responsibility to grow confidence, grit, and judgment—without abandoning safety or warmth. Drawing on stories from early parenthood in Germany to weekly forest adventures in California, we share how giving kids room to climb, explore, and wrestle with boredom becomes a launchpad for real capability.

We get practical with a simple four-step model for teaching any life skill: do it for them, do it together, watch them do it, then let them own it. From washing lunchboxes to managing checklists and chores, small handoffs compound into meaningful independence. We also talk about why failure is essential feedback, how chores build dignity and teamwork, and the subtle ways hovering can undermine resilience even when our intentions are good. Along the way, we connect these habits to a deeper foundation of faith, character, and discernment, grounding courage in something steadier than perfect circumstances.

You’ll come away with concrete ideas to reduce overprotection, spark creativity through unscheduled outdoor time, and nurture critical thinking at the dinner table. Most of all, you’ll feel equipped to trade “comfort now” for “capability for life,” raising kids who can solve problems, make wise choices, and lean on God when storms roll in. If this resonates, share the episode with a friend, subscribe for more parenting pointers, and leave a review with one task you’re ready to hand off to your child this week.

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Transcript

From Gratitude To Capability

Leanne Tuggle 0:50

This week we are continuing our mini-series on parenting pointers with another area that I think we all have room to grow in as parents. So far, we have discussed the importance of raising grateful kids. We've talked about raising respectful kids, and today we're going to tackle what it means to raise capable kids. So let's get into it, shall we? When my husband was given orders to be stationed in Germany, I was pregnant with our first child. So my foray into the world of parenting began in another country. And looking back, I am really thankful that God set it up this way. You see, my first steps as a parent were heavily influenced by what I observed other parents doing around me. And in Germany, the parents don't hover. In fact, much to my husband's delight, many of the local playgrounds or parks are situated right next to a beer garden. So you find all of the parents gathered around a table or nearby benches, enjoying a beverage while the children play nearby. And let me tell you, these playgrounds would not pass any of our American safety standards today. They almost look more like professional ropes courses than a place where toddlers can crawl around. And yet, this is how I was introduced to parenting. I didn't know anything different. So I simply followed along with what all of the other parents were doing, and I watched my daughter figure out how to climb and slide and do all of the things that the other kids did, mostly on her own. It wasn't until we moved back stateside, when she was almost three, that I observed the hovering that parents typically do here in America. I had no idea that this is what the majority of parents did. And I was reluctant to start following her around because, quite honestly, she didn't need me to. Over the last, I don't know, maybe a couple of decades, there has been a shift toward overprotection and constant supervision. So with this in mind, I want us to explore and unpack this question. Are we raising our children to be comfortable or capable? Proverbs 14, 26 says, In the fear of the Lord, one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge. This verse points out that our safety and security needs to be rooted in our fear of God. Ultimately, God is sovereign and is in complete control. Everything he says and does is for our good and with our best interests in mind. In fact, God loves our children even more than we do. However, I am reminded of this quote from one of my favorite C.S. Lewis books, The Lion, the Witch in the Wardrobe. They're discussing Aslan, who is the Christ-like character in the book, and he's also a huge lion. And one of the girls, Susan, asks if he is safe. And the response is this Safe? Who said anything about safe? Of course he isn't safe, but he's good. He's the king, I tell you. Of course, safety matters when it comes to our children. But when we remove all risk from our children's lives, their growth in things like confidence, resilience, and ownership is limited. I have a couple of examples of this that I want to share with you simply to help illustrate this point I'm trying to make. I'm not perfect at this. I definitely make a lot of mistakes and have my moments of over-protecting and hovering just like any of us do. But I want to share these examples so that you can see there is a way to keep our children safe, but also give them room to flourish. When my twin boys first started crawling, we had this large staircase that they were, of course, very curious about. And I thought about putting a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs, but then I remembered my German friends and what they would do. And I decided against it. Now, to be honest, this decision meant that the first few weeks of them exploring the stairs was challenging because every time they crawled over there, I had to stop what I was doing and watch them navigate the stairs. I wanted to be close-ish just in case someone tumbled, but I also wanted them to be able to explore the stairs without me hovering. But here's the thing: they figured it out. In no time at all, they figured out how to climb up the stairs just by crawling. That was the easy part. It was coming down the stairs that was a little bit trickier and a little bit more nerve-wracking as the mother watching. But one twin decided that the best strategy was to sit down on the stairs and then kind of bump their bottom down the stairs. The other twin figured out that if you just simply turn around and then crawl down the stairs backwards, that also worked. The point is, they figured out how to navigate the stairs on their own. And by the time that they were walking, I didn't even need to be nearby. I knew that they could go up and down the stairs with ease. I was confident in their abilities. They were confident in their own abilities. The point here is that your children are capable of figuring out how to be safe. But your children also need some autonomy. And again, this is something that other countries seem to figure out a lot faster than we do here in America. You hear stories about the three-year-old in Japan who can go to the market and buy a loaf of bread and come back home without an adult present. And while that's maybe not our reality here in America, there are ways that we can still foster and encourage our children to be more independent within our current culture. When we first moved here to California, my children were five and eight. And as a part of our exploration of our new neighborhood, we discovered a forest right down the street from our house. The woodland area had been preserved for the community and for local wildlife. And we quickly decided to make this forest a part of our regular weekly routine. We wanted to be able to go there and explore and check it out. And around that same time, we met another family who was also new to the area and decided to include them in our weekly forest adventures. So the kids played while us moms sat and talked about all the things. And it was kind of a win for everyone. After a couple of months of keeping the kids within eyesight, we gradually started to give them more and more freedom to play and explore. Well, fast forward two years, and our children not only know that force like the back of their hand, but for nearly an hour, maybe even a little more, every week, we have no idea where in the forest they are, and it is amazing. Kids need space to explore, imagine, and problem solve. They need to experience boredom so that creativity can ignite in their imaginations. Kids need more unsupervised and unstructured outside playtime in order to allow their decision making, social negotiations, and risk assessment skills to actually flourish. Our weekly Forest Adventures have only three rules: stay together, solve problems together, and come back on time together. We set a timer on the watch of one of the kids, whoever has the watch, whoever's wearing it, and off they go. There's no cell phones, there's no walkie-talkies, just freedom and adventure. The best part though is when they all return at the end of that hour and they're all excited and talking over top of each other about all that they did in the forest. They're building forts, they're having pretend battles, they're climbing trees. It's easily their favorite day of the week. And I am reminded of this warning in Ecclesiastes 11:4 that says, He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap. Children are designed to do, it's how they learn and not to just be entertained. So we need to encourage them and help them. We need to kind of step it up as parents and put away the screens and get them outside. Yes, there's probably going to be some pushback at first, but eventually they're going to love it. Now, if you're feeling a little bit uncomfortable right now, because just this idea of giving your kids more unstructured, unsupervised time feels a little daunting, then I think that's a good thing. Because getting out of our comfort zone is where the real growth happens. And your children need you to give them room to make mistakes so that they can learn. Your children are actually in more danger if you are constantly rescuing them. Struggle and failure are an essential part of growing up. If you are always swooping in to save the day, then your child will never learn what it takes to become capable. And your children need to learn that failure is the feedback they need in order to learn and grow and become confident, capable adults someday. And isn't that kind of the goal of parenting? We need to be ready to push them out of the nest when the time comes someday. And I want to be confident that they'll know how to fly. James 1, 2 through 4 says this count it all joy when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. I don't know about you, but I really want my children to experience some trials and some setbacks before they leave my home, so that they know how to problem solve and ultimately how to lean on the Lord for guidance and direction. They can't do that if I'm always right there next to them. And honestly, in the real world, God doesn't shield us from difficulty. Another area that I think we need to step it up as parents today is that we need to stop doing everything for our kids. A couple of weeks ago, I shared a quote that said, We give our kids too much and demand too little of them. And I'm not quite sure why we do this. I hear a lot of parents my age saying things like, Oh, don't grow up too fast or something like that. And I think sometimes we, in an effort to keep them small, keep doing all these things for them. Like they're perfectly capable of doing it themselves. And yet we just keep enabling them, keep doing it for them. I know fifth graders in my daughter's class that still don't know how to tie their shoes. Those kind of things, like we're doing our kids a disservice by not kind of pushing them towards doing more. And one way that we can raise more capable kids is to gradually give them more responsibility. And thankfully, there is a path that we can follow in order to do this. Julie Leithcott-Hames, in her book, How to Raise an Adult, spells out a four-step system that we can follow as parents to teach our children the life skills needed to be confident and capable adults someday. And you may already know these steps. They may sound familiar to you. But step one is that you do it for them. Or how she says it, I do it for you, speaking to your child. Step two is we do it together. Step three is I, the parent, watch you do it. And step four is you, the child, do it independently. Unfortunately, as parents, I think it's really easy for us to get stuck on step two or maybe even step three. Rarely do parents make it all the way to step four. And I have to include myself in this category. I think sometimes I get stuck on step three, watching them do it, and I kind of micromanage them because I want them to do it a certain way, or I want them to do it my way, instead of releasing that control and saying, hey, you can do this. And I can't tell you exactly why this is hard for us, but I think seeing your child grow up right before you and not need you anymore is kind of scary, but it is also the goal. I've been reading and studying the Gospels this year, and I recently stumbled across this in Mark 3:14. It says, and he, Jesus, appointed to 12 so that they might be with him and he might send them out to preach. Jesus chose these men to be close to him, to learn from him, so that they could one day go out and do what he did. This was his entire ministry while on earth. He chose those men and really focused in on those 12 men, knowing that his time on earth was going to be short and that they were going to need to be able to go out. And so he did exactly these steps. He showed them what to do, he did it with them, he let them go out and practice, and then he just let them do it on their own. Jesus walked through these four steps. And I think that that is why our calling as parents is so similar. That's what we are tasked to do, so that when we are gone, our kids are capable of doing the things that we once did with them. We do well to remember that we have been entrusted with these children to teach them diligently, like it says in Deuteronomy 6. Now, one practical way that you can put this into practice is through chores. Chores teach children responsibility, delayed gratification, and how to contribute to a household. Teaching your children the value of hard work builds dignity and helps them to learn that their efforts do matter. This is good for them. Chores also give you an opportunity to teach your children what it says in Colossians 3.23. Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men. A good rule of thumb that I have personally been convicted by and putting and also putting into practice is something that I got from the How to Raise an Adult. It says, Don't do for your kid what your kid can already do or almost do. And I remember when I very first read that, I was like, ooh, I know for certain that there are things that I'm doing for my kids that they can probably already do. And so I decided to test it out. I typically, when my kids come home, I they unpack their bags and then I would wash out their lunch boxes to get them ready for the next day. Well, one day when they came home, I said, you know what? I want you to do it. I'll show you how to do it, and then you're gonna take this over. And so I probably skipped some steps there, but I showed them how to wash out their lunchboxes and right away, right away, they were doing it. By the next day, they had it. They were completely capable. And I realized in that moment that I had been delaying something that they honestly could have already done, probably years before. And so just that simple little shift of like, okay, I'm gonna let them do it. I'm gonna release the control, I'm gonna let them do it. And they surprised me with how quickly they could take that on. And so I have been working through these steps and helping my children do more around the house. And I'm definitely getting some pushback because doing chores definitely doesn't make them happy most today's. And yet, going back to that very first question am I trying to raise comfortable kids or capable kids? And if it's the latter, then it's time for some more chores. As parents, we are also responsible for helping to shape our children's character. Our job is to raise children who grow up to be reliable, honest, and have self-control. Thankfully, we don't have to do this alone. As believers, we have the Holy Spirit to help us train up our children in the way they should go. And Galatians 5, 22 through 23 tells us that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. So this is an important aspect of raising children. And it's actually something that we're going to go into a little bit more detail next week. So stay tuned for more on how to shape your child's character, because that's coming soon. The last area that I want us to consider when it comes to raising capable kids is to teach them how to be critical thinkers. It's really important in our world today. As parents, we do need to encourage our children to use discernment, to know why and how to make wise choices. Hebrews 5, 14 says, but solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil. So this is telling us that the best way that we can encourage our children to think critically is to give them tons of practice, many opportunities. This means that we can't think for them. Instead, ask them questions, maybe even invite meaningful conversations and discussions around the dinner table. Proverbs 4-7 says, the beginning of wisdom is this: get wisdom. And whatever you get, get insight. In order for them to be discerning, they need to get wisdom. And we have to start somewhere when it comes to raising capable kids. So we might as well start today. One of the most encouraging verses to me as a parent, as I I might even say this daily to myself, is in James 1:5, which says, if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. I need wisdom every day, or sometimes even every hour. I need to know like, what do I do as a parent in this situation? Like, what's the best for my kids? It's a huge job to be a parent. And raising children is not easy. It is humbling, challenging, and to be honest, it is exhausting. And yet, God is here. And this parable of Jesus stood out as something that we can probably all be encouraged by. Matthew 7, 24 and 25 says, Everyone who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall because it had been founded on the rock. The best thing that we can do for our children is to teach them the truth of God's word. This is the foundation that they need. We won't always be around to Protect them from every storm that will come their way. But we can point our children to the one who is most capable of leading them. Raising capable kids begins with showing them what it means to abide in Jesus. This is where they will be the safest. This is where they will learn from their mistakes. This is where they will grow in integrity and wisdom and discernment. Today I'm going to close with this precious reminder that's found in Psalm 121. I pray that this truth brings you peace and a renewed commitment to embrace excellence on this parenting journey. Psalm 121, 1 and 2. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.