85: Talking To Kids About Porn

The internet didn’t just change childhood, it changed what childhood gets exposed to. Many of us grew up thinking pornography was something you had to intentionally seek out, yet today kids can stumble onto explicit content through pop-ups, ads, streaming platforms, or a simple image search. That reality can make a parent’s stomach drop, but avoiding the topic doesn’t protect our kids. I’d rather be the one who names it, explains it, and keeps the door open for honesty.

We walk through how to talk to kids about pornography in a way that’s age-appropriate, clear, and free of shame. I share why starting early matters, how to define pornography in simple terms, and how a biblical worldview frames sex as good and sacred while calling out porn as a distortion of intimacy and identity. I also point you to practical resources that helped me, including Good Pictures, Bad Pictures and Greta Eskridge’s It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn.

Then we get hands-on with tools you can use right away: building a “porn plan” for accidental exposure (including the simple “three T’s” approach), creating ongoing conversations that feel normal, and using media literacy questions to teach discernment with everyday ads and shows. We also talk about wise tech boundaries, why parental controls aren’t enough on their own, and what loving, calm, grace-filled parenting looks like if exposure has already happened.

If you want a realistic Christian parenting approach to internet safety that prioritizes truth, connection, and courage, press play. After you listen, subscribe, share the episode with another parent, and leave a quick review so more families can find it.

Recommended Reading/Resources:

Good Pictures Bad Pictures by Kristen A. Jenson

It's Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn by Greta Eskridge

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Transcript

The New Reality Of Early Exposure

Leanne Tuggle 0:00

I don't really think that I understood what pornography was until probably college. And even then, I mostly thought it consisted of women who were wearing scantily clad clothing, or maybe even nothing at all. I certainly did not grasp the magnitude of the porn industry. But then again, it really wasn't until the internet became more widely accessible with creation of the smartphone that the pornography empire really took off. And that's really been only in the last like 20 years. So, needless to say, times have changed. Our parents didn't have to talk to us about pornography because it typically wasn't something that you would just randomly run across unless you went looking for it. Today, the average age of first exposure to pornography is around the age of 12 years old. With some children accidentally running across inappropriate images as young as six years old. Gone are the days of finding a dirty magazine under a mattress. Now, children can encounter a random pop-up while watching a children's program online. For these reasons, I believe that it is necessary to talk to our children about pornography. And if your heart just sank a little bit, I get it. I felt the same way. But then I realized I would feel so much worse if I was aware of these statistics and I still didn't say anything to my children. Just like in most cases when it comes to parenting or raising godly children, it is worth the discomfort and the inconvenience if it means that my children get a fighting chance in a world that is intent on making good seem evil and evil seem good. And really, at the end of the day, I would rather be the one to tell my kids about these things. I want them to hear about difficult subjects like pornography or the dangers of the internet from me or from my husband and not from a school counselor or a teacher. Not that they say anything wrong, but I just I want them to hear it from me. And I definitely do not want their first conversation about any of this to be with a peer on the playground. Because here's the truth if we don't talk to our kids about things like this, the world will. As parents, we have to face our fear and discomfort and choose to love our children enough to sit down and talk about the hard things, the awkward things, the things that perhaps even open up past hurts or shameful feelings. This isn't something that we can put off simply because it's painful or unpleasant. God's design for sex is good and beautiful and sacred. Pornography distorts this, it distorts identity and intimacy and the fact that we are all made in the image of God. First Corinthians 6, 18 through 20 reminds us of this. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. As we commit to discipling our children, we also need to be reminded to turn away from anything that is worthless, like it says in Psalm 101, 3. So,

Why Parents Must Speak First

Leanne Tuggle 4:05

how do we approach talking to our kids about pornography? Author Greta Esgridge says to start early and start simple. In her book, It's Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn, she says that if your child is over the age of six, you need to be talking to them about pornography. Now, this doesn't have to be a big talk, and you don't even have to talk to your kids about sex first. You can use simple, non-shaming language and just tell your kids what pornography is. That it is pictures or movies of people with no clothes on. And that looking at these pictures isn't good for them. You can let them know that you want to help keep them safe and that they can always come to you if they have any questions about anything, even if it is uncomfortable. In this way, you are establishing yourself as a safe place. You are choosing to be open and honest about something that could be scary or confusing for your child. When I introduced this topic to my own children, I used the book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures, as a guide. Personally, I tend to feel a little bit more confident tackling hard topics with a sort of a lesson plan to help me. This is probably because I used to be a teacher, but it just feels less awkward and more straightforward when it is in a lesson format. So with this resource, which I have linked in the show notes for you, I was able to teach my children what bad pictures are. I explained a bit about how their thinking and feeling brain works, and that their brain is worth protecting. We even talked about addiction, what it is, and how easy it is to fall into an addiction trap. One of these concepts that both of the two resources I've just mentioned named as being really helpful with navigating this topic with your kids is to have a porn plan. I know, I know that name sounds crazy, but you have to admit you won't forget it, right? Anyway, the plan in good pictures, bad pictures is called the Can-DO Plan. So it's an acronym for these things. Let me tell you then. Close your eyes. So this is if your child were to run across pornography on accident, you would teach them to close their eyes, always tell a trusted adult, name it when you see it. So if they see it to turn away and say, that's pornography. That's what it's saying. Distract yourself. So get your mind busy on something else so you're not tempted to look back at it again. And then order your thoughts by replacing with truth. So teaching them when they see something like that to remind themselves that they are made in the image of God and that God loves us and doesn't want us to see these things. So that is the plan that is introduced in the book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures. And honestly,

Sex As Sacred, Porn As Distortion

Leanne Tuggle 7:10

this is a great plan. I find it to be a little bit wordy. And when I went over it with my kids, they were a little bit like, okay, it felt like a lot of steps. It great steps, but it felt like a lot of steps for them. And so when I found this plan that Greta Esgridge mentions in her book, I found it to just be a little bit simpler and something that is easier to remember for my kids. And that is the three T's. Turn it off, tell a parent, and talk about it. Turn it off, tell a parent, talk about it. I think the encouraging part of having a plan is that empowers your children to know what to do if they do ever accidentally run across something that they shouldn't see. And I really do think it is important for us to realize that in this day and age, it really isn't a matter of if they're going to run across something inappropriate, it's when. And with that in mind, you really do want to have a plan in place for them for when that happens so that they just know what to do. In the same way that we have plans for in the event of a fire in your home, which is honestly far less likely to happen than for your kid to run across pornography. Isn't that crazy? So, in the same way that you would have an evacuation plan in your home or any other sort of plan, you need to have a porn plan so that your children know what to do. Something that has been really important to emphasize with my own children is that they are not bad if they do see something. They aren't going to get in trouble for telling me the truth about what they saw. I really want to recognize and celebrate their courage to tell me something that is probably uncomfortable, maybe even scary or confusing. I don't want to punish them for telling me the truth. And I am remind I remind them that holding on to a secret like this can make it all feel so much worse and scarier even. And then I tell them what Jesus says in John 8, 32, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. My children needed to hear that there is freedom in telling the truth and talking to mom and dad about it will help us move forward in a healthy and positive way. At this point, I want to give you some practical strategies so that you can feel prepared for these types of conversations in your own home. And yes, these resources that I've

Start Early With Simple Words

Leanne Tuggle 9:45

mentioned are very, very helpful, and I definitely recommend them. But the first thing that you need to do is decide that you are going to be proactive and not reactive. And then you need to talk it over with your spouse, need to be on the same page about when is the best time to approach this, how you want to do it, and maybe even who's taking the lead on it. Pray about how and when to approach this conversation with your children. Pray about it together as a couple. And then do the next thing and initiate the conversation. For me, the easiest way to do this was just to put it on the calendar. I am a planner and putting it on the calendar meant I was gonna do it. I wasn't going to put it off anymore. So my husband and I decided that every Saturday evening before our usual read aloud time, what we usually do every evening, we would have like 10 to 15 minutes to have a conversation about some of these hard topics like pornography or how babies are made or puberty or anything like that. We literally just made it part of our usual routine. And I know that that might sound kind of crazy or even a little bit extreme, but by not making it a big deal, my kids don't know anything different. And after our first conversation, I realized that even the term pornography doesn't mean the same thing to my kids as it does for me or for my husband. To them, it was just a word. Maybe they had heard it before, but they didn't really know what it meant. So thankfully, they didn't have negativity or shame tied to it yet. So it made that initial conversation much less awkward, which is another reason why I advocate for having these conversations when your children are younger, because they're less likely to have run across it already. Now, I think my kids sort of look forward to these conversations because they know we're gonna talk about something important. And they know that nothing is off limits for mom and dad, that we are willing to discuss just about anything with them. We keep these conversations ongoing and we revisit the topics over and over again as they get older. I also find it helpful to use everyday moments as natural entry points for this conversation. After our initial conversation, I encouraged my children to be detectives and to see if they could spot hidden messages in ads or even TV shows, movies, or even on billboards. In this way, I am encouraging my children to be critical thinkers and to practice discernment. Here's an example for you. During football season, my husband really likes to watch all the college games. So our TV might be on more often on the weekends. So this means that my kids have more exposure to commercials. And as we all know, commercials are not always kid friendly. And so, in

Build A Practical Porn Plan

Leanne Tuggle 12:50

order to kind of get ahead of this, I thought that I would use some of Greta Eskridge's media literacy questions with them. These are questions like: Who made this ad? Who is the ad targeted for or targeted to? What product is the ad selling? Does it have a message? Does the ad have a hidden or underlying message? And how does it make you feel? So by asking them these questions, I'm engaging their critical thinking so that they can go beyond just absorbing something and actually thinking about it a little bit more. These questions alone have launched our family into some pretty incredible conversations just about commercials. And anytime I see, especially my eight-year-old boys, getting kind of sucked into or glued to the TV or watching these things, that's when I'm going to start asking them these questions. And it's gotten to the point now where they are learning to kind of embrace this detective skill. And I hear them talking about it even when we're not asking the questions. But sometimes, sometimes, especially when I know they're really getting zoned in on it. And if they know that I'm coming over there to start asking them some questions, they'll get up and walk out of the room, which is another skill. I'm totally happy that they learn. If they recognize maybe I shouldn't be watching this and they practice getting up and leaving, I'll take that. Even if I know they're just avoiding having to answer mom's questions, it's practicing the skill of walking away from something that maybe they don't need to be seeing. I'm totally okay with that. Another practical strategy is to set wise boundaries in your home, like setting limits on screen time or device usage. Now, this is much easier when your kids are 12 and under and they don't have their own cell phone or something like that. But I think it is important to set those boundaries while they're young and then be persistent and just make small changes as they get older. So another one for older kids maybe is to keep tech in shared spaces. There's no cell phones in the bedroom. My children, for example, are not allowed to play on their tablets in their bedrooms. They have to be right in the living room with everyone. And they're only allowed to use the family computer with permission, which again is in a shared space. I know that there are parent controls on many of our devices. But I also know and believe that there is no such thing as porn-proofing your kids. I also know that parental controls don't always work. There are so many workarounds around them that they are, you can't rely on them to protect your children. You really do have to equip your children to be smart about their tech use and to have a plan in place should they run across something that they did not mean to find. Here's another example. My daughter was working on a research report, a state report for her fifth grade project. She was working on facts

Media Literacy And Home Tech Boundaries

Leanne Tuggle 15:55

about the state of Virginia, very normal content. And I saw her, because again, computer is in a shared space, I saw her pull up Google Images and go to type in something about the state. Now, nothing happened. She did not see anything she should, shouldn't have. But just the fact that she was pulling up Google Images just made my blood start pumping. I instantly became panicked, like, oh no, what it, what if she sees something? And so I went over to there to her and just I saw her search, everything was fine. But then I talked to her about it after I was like, hey, you need to be really careful when you are doing Google image searches because something could come up that you don't mean to see, even though I know you're just working on your homework. So even just talking to them about it and making them very aware of situations that could happen is how you can help them build in that discernment. We talked about other ways to search for information without having to go straight to images. Lastly, as parents, I think that it is important that we model integrity and consider what we are watching or consuming as well. We can set the example for our children. I think about what Jesus says in Matthew 18, 6, when he says, But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. This is very intense language, but I don't want to be the cause of one of my kids stumbling simply because I'm not willing to walk the talk. The good news about all of this is that you don't have to be perfect. God equips you to disciple your children, and your faithfulness to walk in obedience is what God requires of you. Remind your children that we are all made in the image of God. Pornography trains us to objectify rather than to love others. And the world will try to make pornography seem normal. But Isaiah 5.20 says, woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness. As believers, we want to love what God loves and teach our children to do the same. Before I wrap up this perhaps more challenging episode, I want to address what you can do if exposure has already happened, or even if your child maybe has sought out pornography on their own. I think the most important thing that you can do is to stay calm, even if you feel like screaming or crying or some combination of the two. You have to thank your child for telling you, or maybe even admitting it to you, and then guide them back to the truth. Refrain from being angry or accusatory. Do not shame your child or overreact. And definitely don't withdraw your connection from him or her. In fact, pull them closer. Give your child a hug. Reaffirm that they are safe here. And then you need to re-teach truth in love with lots of grace. And strengthen the tools and boundaries that you already have in place. It is important to talk about it with them. Maybe not right in that moment. I think they need to see you react with love and grace first and to know that they are still welcome here, that they are safe and loved. And then you need to have those hard conversations, talk about what was going on, why were they seeking it out, or why did they run across that, and then tighten up your boundaries. Maybe they don't get to have that device, access to their device as readily, or whatever the rules may be. You have to, you might have to make the rules a little stricter. But I think the biggest takeaway that that I want my kids to hear, and that you likely want your kids to hear,

If Exposure Happens, Respond With Grace

Leanne Tuggle 20:05

is that sex isn't wrong and it's not bad. But I do want them to be able to identify when sex is being used outside of God's design. Having these conversations with our kids is about helping them learn how to guard their hearts, how to practice discernment, and to live in the freedom that is found only in Jesus Christ. Something for you to ponder this week as you think about all of these things. What is one simple, age-appropriate conversation that you can initiate with your children this week in order to begin building that trust and connection? And a scripture to savor Proverbs 4 23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.