Mastering the mum look.
SPEAKER_01It's not like you start on day one. Let's say you're a pleaser parent, your kids are walking all over you. You look at them, they're just gonna laugh at you because it has no power behind it. There's no leadership behind it, okay? So you've got to have a lot of leadership under your belt to back up that look.
SPEAKER_00Do you want to use this with caution? Like, I'm guessing, do you want to be throwing out the mum look left, right, and center?
SPEAKER_01Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_00And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started.
SPEAKER_01Okay, sweetie, what is today's topic?
SPEAKER_00Today's topic is about mastering the mom look.
SPEAKER_01Oh, mastering the mom look. Actually, she mentioned this. We never discussed what we're going to be discussing, but she mentioned this because she goes, You're going to love this one. And I said, What is it? And she goes, Okay, I'll tell you. Mastering the mom look. My mother had it. I had it. It's the mum look.
SPEAKER_00I think we'll have it one day.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, the mom look. It's all it took, really. Um, okay, so the mom look, I think you all know what that is. All it takes is that get eye contact with mom and it keeps gets them right in line. It's not a fear-based thing. It certainly wasn't with my mother and it wasn't with my kids. Well, maybe a little well, you tell. You, you, you know my look. What was that? Why did that instantly get you in line if you were needed to get in line? I don't even know.
SPEAKER_00Like it just did. It just was like an instinctual, maybe it felt a little fearful. Not that I was ever like, what are you gonna do? But it's just like, I don't know. It's just like I the look of I guess I just didn't want to disappoint you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think that's it. Same with my mom. Um, but yeah, the look that that's where you want to go, where all you have to do is give them the look.
SPEAKER_00So where this episode came from is I actually am gonna read out a question first and then you can kind of discuss it. And then we have parenting questions after this. Um, but I just thought that this is a
really interesting topic. So we have Laura from the United States. You talk about not showing any emotion or disappointment on your face as a leader when disciplining. Then you also talk about letting children make mistakes and not stopping or warning them ahead of the mistake. How does the mom look not go against both of these things? A child looks to you before making a mistake, and you give the mom look, which is a warning, and most likely shows emotion of some sort. Just curious because my five-year-old always looks to me and I give the look and she adjusts, so it works without system, but why?
SPEAKER_01You said something in there that I'm gonna disagree with potentially. You said it must show some emotion. I don't think mine did. I just got eye contact. When they knew mom's eyes with eyes were on them, it just changed. So yeah, I don't think there was a lot of emotion behind it. It was just, I know what I'm doing. I'm just gonna give them a look, and you know, if they get eye contact. I don't know, maybe there's a little disdain in there. You didn't look the happiest with us. Well, it was more there was no smiles. If you're watching, yeah, it was just eye contact. If you're watching, my mom had it in spades, and she was she always seemed to be sitting, and she'd look at like she'd have her hand on her chin, sort of like that. I'm just showing my thumbs on my chin and my fingers up on my cheek, and she'd just be resting her head in her hand, and she'd just look at me like a little bit like, Are you really gonna do that? Or you're getting on my nerves or something. But yeah, it's no anger or anything. It was just, yeah, I see what you're doing, and that's all it takes. I'm gonna push back. It felt a little bit like disappointment. Maybe it did. Maybe I intended it to look that way. Uh, just so you'd but I don't remember. When did I use it? Give let's let's get an example here. You kids are pretty darn good. When would I have used it?
SPEAKER_00Oh boy.
SPEAKER_01When would you have used it? Well, usually when you can when you two start, if you two were gonna argue, that would be it. So then I would just say, like, in other words, do I have to come up and stand up and go over there and take care of business? Because they knew if I went over there, I'd take away whatever they were arguing over. So it was more of an annoyance. Like, do I have to get up and deal with this? And then I just get an eye contact and they'd settle down.
SPEAKER_00Let's say a kid is going to touch something that they shouldn't touch or something like that, and the mom gives the look. What are your thoughts on that? So they're about to go grab a toy that's not theirs or something like that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I do want to validate what she said because you let them do what they're gonna do. But if a look is all it takes, then use it. But if you don't take action before anything else, like even that kid who went to get the Whaley, that's the pool story, even him. I got eye contact with him. Okay, but he wasn't my kid. And he I got eye contact with him. That could have been enough to stop him, but he chose to keep going. So no, you don't take action, you don't punish, but you kind of let them know you're watching, and that should be enough. So sometimes they do need correcting, like, and they can correct themselves. It's more self-correcting when they get eye contact. Otherwise, you don't want to have to go in and correct before they've even done anything. You don't want to prevent them from doing something they've decided to do. But that look, if that's all it takes, then sure, that's enough. Yeah, I would. So you sort of are interrupting what they're doing, I guess. So yeah, she's right.
SPEAKER_00So you're saying it's not like a verbal warning or an action-based warning. It's like just a just eye contact. Like, I see ya.
SPEAKER_01I'm right here. And they knew, like, once I saw them, my kids knew that I would have taken action had they continued. So they made that choice. I didn't try and stop them. I still didn't try and stop them. If the look, if it would take more than a look, I wouldn't have done it. I would have let them do it. Yeah, just eye contact. That's all it takes. So you're pro mom look. I'm pro the mom look or dad look. I was gonna say dads can have it too, grandmothers, grandfathers, anyone can have that leadership look, okay? Um, but yeah, we call it the mom look because well, we're women here, so and it usually is referred to as the mom look.
Now, do you want to use this with caution? Um, like I'm guessing, do you want to be throwing out the mom look left, right, and center?
SPEAKER_01No, not at all. Not at all. Um no, you just want to sort of save it. Uh yeah. No, I wouldn't be using it all the time. Absolutely. I'd be very careful with that, actually. So yeah, no, I wouldn't use it all the time. Um, I would save that and it has more power when you don't use it. It's like anything, it has more power if it's not used that often. Otherwise, they just get used to it and they start to ignore it. That makes sense.
SPEAKER_00It's like it's like with even with coffee. If you have coffee all the time, you barely even feel it. If you have it once in a blue moon, boy, you notice it.
SPEAKER_01And plus, kids know that once they get that look, they're at a crossroads. They know if they continue and do what they were gonna do. You they know 100%. My kids knew 100% I would take action, I would do something. Um, but they wouldn't have tested me, right? But if I looked at like at the other kid, the pool story, he didn't know, like he wasn't my kid. So when he went to get Whaley, I just got eye contact. That wasn't enough, right? He went and got Whaley and then I took action. So they know 100% that I'm gonna take action. So now they've got a choice. Do they want to continue and me take action and discipline them, or do they want to just stop themselves? That's self-correcting, that's self-discipline, because I didn't actually do anything. It's just letting them know that if they do continue, that's their choice. It's not my choice. It's like the looming thought.
SPEAKER_00It's like, oh yes, mother is there.
SPEAKER_01It's like if you're uh you see a kid, they'll go to touch something and they'll see you looking and they'll go, I'm gonna touch it, you know. I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I wouldn't say anything. I'd just say, do whatever you want. And then as soon as they do, then I take action. But yeah, they're just testing you.
SPEAKER_00I feel like there's that cute video of like it's like a little girl and she's like going to touch something and she sees her mom watching, she's like, Oh, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01She corrects her right away. It's because they know for a fact you're gonna come in and discipline them if they do do it. So that's the thing. It only works if they if you're 100% consistent too. If you're not, they're just gonna say, well, maybe this is the day where they're not
gonna do anything.
SPEAKER_00I was about to say, if you are someone and you're maybe listening, you go, I just don't think I have that look. What what would you work on in order to be able to give that kind of look and have your kids kind of go, oh, okay, keep them in check.
SPEAKER_01It only works once you're a leader. It doesn't, it's not how you get leadership skills. Like it's not how it goes. It's not how you build leadership, but it's how you maintain it. Okay, that's important. Becoming a leader is really hard work, but once you're there, all it takes is mom's look. That's all I ever had to do. And very rarely even. So, yeah, so it's something that you do to maintain leadership because they know full well that you're a leader, and if they act out or do something naughty, you're gonna have to have a consequence for them. Okay. But it's not how you build leadership. The the mom's look, it doesn't, it's not like you start on day one. Let's say you're a pleaser parent, your kids are walking all over you. You look at them, they're just gonna laugh at you because it has no power behind it. There's no leadership behind it, okay? So you've got to have a lot of leadership under your belt to back up that look.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Uh, do you have anything else to add before we get into parenting questions? Nope. Okay,
the first one is Amanda from the United States. Five, four, and two-year-old. This happened happens often that my five-year-old gets a positive consequence due to essentially annoying her sister by getting in her face and yelling or being obnoxious. During the 15 minutes, she will attempt to continue to annoy her sister who's four. I'll stand between them. I don't make eye contact, and I don't talk with a five-year-old. Sometimes I talk with a four and two-year-old. Is this how I'd approach this? Or should I say, since you continue to bother your sister, we're gonna do a 24-hour media blackout?
SPEAKER_01No, you can't because you didn't have that on the board. Like you have to follow the board 100%. So also I wouldn't have them doing a chore around the other one. I would get rid of the other kids. Like I would say, no, in the bathroom is where you're gonna do this chore. You're gonna wipe up, wipe out the toothpaste in the sink or something, and then keep the other two out. I don't want the other two interfering in this, okay? It messes it all up. So yeah, just have them separate at that point.
Okay. The next one is Dina from Egypt. Parents do not agree on parenting style. It's so frustrating and always leads to fights. Fighting in front of the kids, and kids get upset and say enough and stop it.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you got to get on the same page. Um, and what you do, the way you do it, is you say, look, we each need to have a parenting plan. It's not fair to undermine someone if you don't even have a plan. Okay. So say, do we agree that we both have to have a plan on how you parent? Hopefully, yes. If you can't even agree on that, good luck to you because the other person has to say they have a plan or a way that they want to parent. So what you say is, look, I follow Lisa Bratbusters or someone else. I want to follow that plan and don't mix it up with anything else or else it won't work. It's like dieting. You can't pick and choose what you like from different parenting coaches and expecting it to work. Like if you were to throw time out into my methods, it would tank. I hate timeout. I think it's mean. Okay, so you pick a path and you say, here's my path, what's yours? We're gonna flip a coin and we're gonna go with that path. Whoever wins the coin flip, the coin toss, we're gonna go with that path for three weeks. If it doesn't work, we'll just say, Well, they're an idiot, me or whoever you're following, and then go with the other parenting. And if that doesn't work, then go on and try something else. So you have to have an agreement up front rather than just arguing, you have to have a plan. Here's my parenting plan, here's yours. Let's flip flip a coin, see which one we go with first, and we're gonna give it three weeks. And you're gonna do it with with some respect. Like, don't just cut it down, don't just not participate. You both have to participate. Both, at least giving it a shot. Yeah, there's this old, I remember hearing about this old marriage counseling idea. I thought this was such a cute idea. They said, you know, you have to like it's it's not fair. Let's say you both have completely different interests. So let's say once a month you do, you say, okay, we're gonna do your like you love hockey, we're gonna go to a hockey game. And then the other time we're gonna go to a book club meeting or something for you, right? So once a month you have this thing where you you join in the other person's interests that you have no interest in. You have to do it with a good heart. You have to turn up and do your best to enjoy yourself, not just treat it like, yeah, I'm here, whatever. It's all about being generous and being kind to the other person, right? So if they won the coin toss, be kind to them. Follow along with their plan, back them up, okay? You you go about, you want them to succeed because you want your kids to turn out great, right? So you want this plan to succeed. That's the way you want to go about it. What do you call that? It's not about being generous or kind. What is that? Being fair, being what's the word? I can never know. It's a there is a really specific word for that. I'm sure you guys are all yelling out, it's this, Lisa, it's that. But it's like you, you be a good sport about it and support the other person and show an interest and you know, and say, well, what is your plan? I want to learn more about it, you know, show me some videos and then be a good sport, I guess, is what it's not it, but it's sort of along those lines.
SPEAKER_00Now, what if you are trying to come to, let's say you're like trying to come to a solution and you're trying to get on the same page and their plan involves spanking and you're really against like you personally don't.
SPEAKER_01You can have some uh what do they call that? Some some certain things that you won't do. You can probably pick three different things. Look, I don't want to yell, I don't want to spank. You can you can have you can pick three things that
you say, look, you can do them, that's up to you, whatever, but I won't participate in three things that can be little sort of extensions on the agreement kind of. Some vetoes. Vetoes, yeah, like that.
SPEAKER_00The next one is Christina from the United States. My three-year-old son open hands smacks his one-year-old sister and loves to give me the side eye. We've tried ignoring firm you do not smack your sister, or a two-minute timeout with dad. He understands, and also I'm not sure what's age appropriate in terms of true consequences. Is he too young for the behavior board? He also pushes her and can't seem to keep his hands to himself. I'm not interested in repeating myself, but nothing seems to stick right now. I'm sure it's partially his age, but the side eye or blatant disregarding of the rules seems to be his way of manipulating.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, he's looking at you, saying, You don't know what you're doing, do you? That's what he's saying. He's begging you to become a leader. He just is. That's how they do it. They give you the side eye. They're like looking at you. Come on, come on, I dare you, come on, parent me. That's what he's doing. He just doesn't know it. Anyway, yeah, three-year-old is when this uh behavior board starts. You just haven't found something that hurts. What I mean by something that upsets him. You always start with a positive action, get him to do a chore. If he doesn't want to do that, then you go to the negative deprivation consequence. It's got to be something that hurts, something that he really likes that you're gonna take away. Okay, so when I say hurts, it's something that emotionally he would be really upset if you took TV away because he loves it every single day. I don't know, something like that. So yeah, and chances are he will get to that point. So you always start with a positive action. If he won't do that in the time allotted, then you resort to the negative deprivation. But it's got to be something he cares about, okay? Can't just be something he doesn't care about. It's whatever he's into that day. You can just say, um, do a chore within 15 minutes of being asked to do so, or we'll take something away for 24 hours. Whatever is the hit of the day, the favorite toy of the day, you can take that away for 24 hours. Sometimes it's the thing he's playing with right now that he likes. Um, so yeah, do that. He'll learn eventually. He's testing you. He's saying, you don't know what you're doing, do you? That's the side eye. That's the hairy eyeball. He's checking you out. He's letting you know he's in charge. But they don't really want to be in charge. They'll fight for it because that's the way they challenge you to become a leader. Uh, but yeah, he doesn't really want it. Does he look happy when he's doing that? He might look smug, but he's not
happy when he's doing that.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the next one is Christy from the United States. We have two girls, six and eight, who switch between best friends and mortal enemies. I work full-time, but do my best to schedule one-on-one time with each. I volunteer at school a lot, and I'm present parent after work hours. The seething jealousy I observe in them, however, is something I just can't put the quality time out of them. I never verbally compare them to each other, and I try to put them on the same team, but nothing's enough. They get angry and upset the second I sit for more than one minute to talk to the other child, even if I did the same thing for them five minutes prior. It's exhausting, and when I ignore the behavior, they say I don't love them or that I'm being mean. One-on-one, everything is peaceful and lovely.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you must answer that. You're being mean, I don't love you. I just ignore that stuff. That's pure manipulation. Anyway, yeah, you kind of built that by doing one-on-one time. That builds resentment. They don't care if it's fair and reasonable, they just get mad. Now, it can be done, it can be done, but if they're not getting along, don't do it. Do not do one-on-one time with kids who don't get along. It builds resentment, even if it's fair and reasonable. If you spend one night on a date night going to a movie with one kid one night, then the next night you take the other kid out to a movie, they're still they're gonna hate each other even more, guaranteed. Okay, they just do. It's just what builds resentment. So do stuff with them. You show them how to get along. And a lot of siblings are love-hate relationship. That's really normal, but the fighting, you got to get control over that. So, what you do is you you play games with them or just do arts and crafts, stuff that isn't competitive. If they're poor sports, don't do anything competitive. So you just do arts and crafts or activities, or you go out with them to a movie, you sit between them, and you're having a good time with both of them at the same time. They're learning through osmosis to enjoy each other's company when you're there. They're more likely to enjoy each
other's company when you're not.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the next one is Sophia from Argentina. I have a four-year-old girl that I feel whines instead of talks. The tone in every sentence she speaks is very whiny, and I feel like she hates everything and everyone. She's always complaining about something, and if she doesn't like something, she throws a fit. Like she just gets really nervous and starts knocking down the chairs or hitting the wall. I think she has a really low tolerance to me saying no to her, but I just get frustrated by her talking like that.
SPEAKER_01Okay, well, that's two different issues. I would put on the behavior board no aggressive behavior, which includes throwing chairs around or whatever. So that would be a rule on a behavior board. Whining, I've covered this a lot, but I'll go through it again. Uh, whining is something, it's an app, it's a vocal affectation, like vocal fry. Like, you know, when teenagers try and be cool and they talk like this. It's called a vocal fry. Whining, I put in the same category. It's a vocal affectation. It's not bad behavior, but it's annoying as anything. Both of those are, by the way. And uh anyway, so I would say, look, every time you whine, and this is whining, you mimic her, but don't go on about it. Just say, when you say I want that, when you whine, you may not even know you're doing it. So I'm gonna let you know you're doing it by touching my nose every time you whine. And when I touch my nose, it means you're whining, and I'm gonna ignore you now until you talk nicely. And as soon as you talk nicely to me, then I will answer you. But the answer may still be no. If she's just whining because she didn't get her own way, just let her go on. Okay. But if she's actually whining, like coming at you for the first time, I want that, that's when you sort of use that touching the nose. But if she's just whining and carrying on because you said no something and you're kind of done with whatever needed to be done, you know, you took something away, then just let her whine and carry on. Because the answer is going to be no anyway. You don't need to answer that, is what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_00Um, something, and I'm not saying this is specifically this person's scenario, but do you find as well, like if you as a parent are complaining a lot about situations and things, do you find that that rubs off on kids? No.
SPEAKER_01It makes sense that it would, but no, um, not necessarily because you don't tend to whine uh as much. But also, um, no, it's it's a learned behavior. You teach them, you teach them to do that because you feed it. That's what makes it worse. It's they might give it a go. All little ones will probably give it a go. But if you start giving it attention and say, now we don't talk like that. That's not right. If you start giving it attention, then they're gonna keep doing it because they'll go for any heightened emotions, any heightened attention. So if you go, no, no whining, that's annoying, they're gonna keep doing it. Whereas I would just be more likely to say whoops and just walk away if they're really little and they just start whining. I just ignore it really early on, okay, or else I might mimic what I want to hear from them. I want that. Say, may I please have? And then if they say it nicely, then I'll then I'll give it to them. Um, or if they you don't want them to have it, just say no. You can still say no after they've talked nicely, but you will answer them, okay? But yeah, it's something that you've taught them how to do, basically, because this child's four, okay? By the age of three and a half to four, they only do what works. It implies to me that it says to me that it works. In other words, it gets attention. But if you just touch your nose and walk away and ignore, it's not getting attention anymore. So she'll stop doing it. They only do what works, but they're not like us. Us adults are really dumb. We keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. We get in patterns and loops. Um, but yeah, kids don't do that
yet. They're not there yet.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the next one is Taylor from Canada. My five-year-old, who's always been gentle and nurturing, has recently started acting more bossy and impatient with her three and a half-year-old cousin. She also has two younger sisters, and our families are very close and spend a lot of time together. Is this kind of behavior normal for her age? And could the amount of time spent together be contributing? Or is this something I should be addressing in my parenting? I would address it. What is she doing? What did she say she's doing? Just acting more bossy and impatient with a three and a half-year-old cousin.
SPEAKER_01Hmm. It's kind of a tough one because if she what's the three, uh, the reason it's tough is how is the cousin reacting? I'm I'm guessing the cousin doesn't like it. I would say stop. Okay, I might say stop being mean to your cousin. I might say that. You don't, you can't say that within the family unit, though, by the way. Uh, you can say if it's aggressive behavior, you can. Uh, but just saying stop being mean because it's a cousin, it's not a not a sibling. Say stop being mean to your cousin, and that includes being really bossy. And I'll call you on it every time I see you being bossy because you might not even realize it, okay? So you're being bossy, and then when she is, whatever they're doing, the give the cousin the advantage. So if they're if if the she's bossing her around, like do this, do that with the Barbies or whatever, then say, I'll tell you what, let's just take a little break. You are getting bossy, so you can sit with me for one minute. It's not timeout because they're sitting with you. Timeout is done alone, okay? So say no being mean to your cousin, and then you can just do it that way. You don't necessarily even have to have it on a behavior board. But I don't know if I would put that on a behavior board. I'm not sure. Sometimes I would, but I'm just saying for now. No, just treat it like no being mean, no being bossy. And if you are, I'll call you on it. And then um, if you continue, then I'll pull you out for a minute.
SPEAKER_00Again, I'm not a parent, but my guess as well would be like as your kids get older, like those dynamics also probably shift and change. Because when she was three, her cousin would have been like one and a half and probably harder to boss around a little.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, also um, they they get to school. Now she's five. They get to school, and school is a real hard lesson. Like, what do they call that? Hard knocks. Uh, your social skills are really formed by other kids. Okay. Like kids at school aren't going to put up with that. But this younger cousin will, because they're younger. That younger cousin will be four and a half and she'll be six soon. So the younger cousin might put her in her place then and say no, and then take her own toy back or something. So yeah, I'm guessing it's kind of temporary, but if not, I would still address it though. I wouldn't like that. Uh, and also you can also do role playing. You can say, look, this is how it feels. I will play you, and you play the cousin. You don't do this in front of the cousin, and you say, This is what you do to her. And how does that make you feel? You can try that, uh, but the consequence of pulling her out for a minute is more powerful. Consequences are way more powerful than the Any therapy sessions, but role-playing is a little bit different because you're actually showing them. It's not just discussing it, it's showing them how the other kid might feel. Not that they really care, but it sort of gives more weight to why you're coming in with a consequence. It shows them why it's important for you to get involved
because you're making the cousin feel bad.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the next one is Vanessa from the United States. My eight-year-old is always yelling and hitting her six-year-old brother and us. We tried the behavior board, but it's not working. What do you recommend that we try?
SPEAKER_01I don't know why it's not working. There's usually you're showing anger, frustration, or disappointment. If you do, you look weak and she's not going to take you seriously. And it also knocks her down self-esteem-wise. So yeah, the behavior board says no hitting on the board. So you come in with the first consequence, and if she continues, then you do the second consequence. Um I don't know what else you're doing. Usually it's you're not two reasons. Usually is you're not consistent, so you don't catch it every, you don't address it every time you see it. Okay, that's one reason why it's not working. The other one is your show of anger, frustration, or disappointment makes you look weak. And it just cuts her down and it just kind of tanks the whole thing. You can feel angry and disappointed and frustrated, but you can't show it. So you just gotta, whenever you're dealing with bad behavior, you've got to look like it's a business transaction. There's no emotions whatsoever. Save all your emotions for when you're playing with your kids. That's when you can show heightened emotions like fun, laughing, and all that. But the anger, there's no place for it in a leadership role. So I'm assuming you look disappointed or something, and you know, you roll your eyes or something, or you get annoyed with her. That just it's gonna make her worse.
You're adding fuel to the fire.
SPEAKER_00Okay, we have one final question. So, Daisy from Brazil. What to do with a 12-year-old who's rude to the hostess's daughter? She acts bored, refuses to play with her, and says hurtful things. It happens even at the table with other guests.
SPEAKER_01So she's rude to the hostess's daughter. She's 12, so she's moody. Mmm, that's a tricky one because you're dealing with attitude. And I always say you never deal with attitude, but when it comes to other people, yes, you can. You can deal with manners. That's the way I look at it. I would say, look, I would say then, you know, when we go to someone's house, um, you've got to be polite. So you have to play. If the other kid wants to play, you have to play with them, okay? It's just part of it. But ask her why. Are you dragging her to something that's really boring and she really doesn't like this kid? Like, I don't know what you're dragging this kid to. I don't quite understand that. But she still has to be polite. So I would have a framework around what's expected of her, just some basic rules for manners. You can't have this at home, by the way. You can't use attitude, you cannot address attitude in an immediate family, but you can with other people. Like, I'll even say, uh, don't be rude to you have to respect the teacher. I'll even put that as a rule, not behavior board, but there's no freaking way I would put that for parents. It doesn't make any sense. Okay, it just doesn't. So, but yeah, I would say you have to, this is the this is what we expect from you. These are the basic manners. And then she's 12. I would say, do you think that's fair? How would you feel if we went to your friend's house and wouldn't talk to their parents? Would you be embarrassed? So I would turn it around. She'd probably say, No, I wouldn't care, but she might. But uh yeah, so I would just have some basic boundaries, basic expectations, and then say, Do you think that's fair? See what she says. What has she got to say about this? What's she getting out of that, too? Uh, I don't know. I don't know. What's she like with you also? If she respects you, she probably wouldn't act that way. So work on your leadership skills. Everything sort of starts and ends with your leadership skills, basically. So whenever I'm talking about anything else, like it's just sort of going around in circles. But yeah, if you're a leader, they don't act like that. So you might want to look at your leadership skills, have some basic boundaries, and when you go out, what's expected of her? If she doesn't follow through, then there's a consequence when you get home.
SPEAKER_00Okay, well, that was it for the questions. Again, they weren't
specifically about the mum look, but just general parenting.
SPEAKER_01And the mum look, I mean, I think people might tune in just because they want to know how do you do that? It's something that you use to maintain leadership, it's not something you do to get leadership. They don't give a hoot if you're looking at them, what you look like, what eye contact. They, if you don't, if they don't respect you, they won't. It's only works when you've got their respect. Okay. Um, so yeah, that that's well, I want to get that really clear. But when you're a leader, that's all it takes. That's what's so great about this. Once you get there, you don't have to keep working to get to maintain this. It's something that it's not like dieting. It's not like you lose all that weight, then you have to keep working to keep it off. Once you have got their respect, and it's now you found this all easy, right? You get it. Maintaining it's a piece of cake. Um, yeah, that's just the way it is. All you should have to do is the mom's look. And isn't that what you want? Isn't that worth all the work that you have to do to get there? Isn't it worth it? When all you have to do is just get eye contact with them. That would be all I'd have to do. Just a look. Just a look. That's all my mom had. Very powerful, but you gotta be a leader first. Okay, I think that's a great place to end. Okay, thanks so much for joining us. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
SPEAKER_00Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit Bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.