Everyone's very quick to blame their kids for bad behavior.
SPEAKER_00I don't do that because they're just a reflection of the parenting they're getting, the guidance they're getting, or the lack of it, right? How do you keep your calm? This is so difficult for me, although I usually am a really calm person and content.
SPEAKER_01It's personal, you take it personally, it's very frustrating because they're a reflection of you. So you take it as a personal insult. That's why you get really angry.
SPEAKER_00Do you find also that when you're giving the children the benefit of the doubt, it almost makes them rise up to those expectations?
SPEAKER_01Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_00And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sugar lump, what are we talking about today? Today, the topic is about children calling the shots in the household.
SPEAKER_01Oh, children calling the shots. Okay, children, toddlers, any age? What?
SPEAKER_00We're going to, I think, focus more on that three to twelve age category because I feel like that's often when, well, I guess toddlers call the shots. Well, not so much.
SPEAKER_01It is more when they find their power when they're three and above. That's when they start to find their power and they really psychologically start to feel like they're in control. Before that, they're just trying stuff. Okay, so yeah, children. Three to twelve and a three and above, finding their power to control. Okay.
SPEAKER_00And I think to get this started,
what do you think that this age category, the three to twelve, what would you have them be in charge of?
SPEAKER_01Um, they can be in charge of, well, oh, geez, a whole bunch of stuff really, like getting ready, what they wear, um, what you play, what what sports or activities they join. Um, you know, they can even help you do meal planning ahead of time, not snap their fingers at the last minute because they don't want what you've served. Um, but yeah, give them a chance to have a lot of control over their own lives. It's when they start to abuse it, is when you start to pull it away. Uh, but yeah, you want to give them a lot of power. I always say you hand them respect and see what happens, and then you pull it back a little bit. So you stop giving them choices and control. Um, but yeah, though you want to give them a lot.
SPEAKER_00Did you feel like you had a lot of power growing up? Did feel like I had a lot of autonomy over my own life, but there were definitely things that just kind of like I wasn't in control of, but I didn't really need to be.
SPEAKER_01No, like w how we drive to school or what time we get up, or I mean we have, you know.
SPEAKER_00Or even I remember growing up before dinner, you used to put out that plate of just like cut-up carrots and I think it was just cut-up carrots.
SPEAKER_01Well, just veggies, I'd put out whatever. And you I don't think you ate anything but the carrots. I think it's that's why you remember the carrots. It's just carrots. That was all it was. Yeah, no, nothing else. None of that pesky broccoli on it. No radishes, broccoli, cauliflower, peppers, none of that. She just put out a tray of carrots.
SPEAKER_00But I do remember that there were some things that just happened, and I didn't really question them.
SPEAKER_01No, but if you'd said, Mom, can you put out some other vegetable? I would have said, sure. So here's the difference. You want to give your kids a lot of power over their lives, but if they misuse it, then you want to pull back. A good example of this is if my kids had said to me, let's say their bedtime was eight o'clock, and they said, Look, there's a really good show on TV tonight. I can I stay up late and watch it. Um, I usually would have said sure, because they never asked me anything where they didn't know that it was reasonable. You know, they were never unreasonable because they know I'd just say no. The difference is if that if I'd said no, they would have said, Oh, okay, and gone to bed quietly. That's when you know that you've got their respect and vice versa. So if I and I usually would say yes, or if I'd say no, I'd say no because of the, you know, I sort of gave a reason. But I let my kids negotiate pretty much everything. But because I was a leader and they were really well behaved and we we had mutual respect going, so because of that, they could have more control. So they've got to kind of earn that, is what I'm saying, I guess.
SPEAKER_00Is that true? Is that what I'm saying here? I think so. And I think that in some instances online, when you're giving uh you're answering a question, maybe you sometimes will say, Well, you've given them too much control, and people push back on that. But I think I like this nuance is if they're okay with having the control, you're okay giving it.
SPEAKER_01If they respect it and they don't misuse it, sure. Like a good example of that is meal planning. Let's say I decided to meal plan out the whole week. While I'm doing it, I would probably ask my kids, but in the last moment, if they and so they had a lot to say and what we ate. But let's say it's Monday night and I put on spaghetti because that's what was on the meal plan. If they had said to me, I don't want spaghetti, I want that. If they talked to me like that, they would not be involved in meal planning anymore. I would have pulled that away. So and they would not have got anything else because we were having spaghetti. You see, if it's when they misuse that. And I want children to feel like they have a lot of control. I want them to feel like they have a lot of control over their own lives, not just a little, but when they misuse it, that's when I pull back and I say, I'll tell you what, from now, I'll just make that, I'll make the decision on that, on what you wear, because it's becoming an issue, and then we'll try it again later. So I would give them another another opportunity. So let's say it's about what they wear in the morning. If they make a big stink out of it and they change their mind and we're getting in the car, no, I want to go back and try something else. Then I would say, I'll tell you what, I'll I'll be deciding what you wear from now on. And then we'll try again later where you can start to choose your own wardrobe. So yeah, I I like to give kids a lot of respect, a lot of control, a lot of power. But when they misuse it, I pull it back.
SPEAKER_00What does later look like? Is that a week?
SPEAKER_01Is that two months?
SPEAKER_00Oh, probably a week, maybe a week.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, pretty quick. They they're, you know, they don't think that far ahead. So yeah, probably a week. And then what happens if it goes badly again? It goes badly, I'd pull it away again. Just try. I say, I'll tell you what, I'll decide again that didn't work out. Then we'll try again next week. We'll see how it goes. Keep giving them opportunities. Don't a lot of parents come in too hard with that. That's fine for the rest of the year. I'll be deciding everything. You don't do that. You want them, just give them a week to think about it. Plus, if you look angry, it doesn't work. They're gonna be it'll become a butting of heads. I don't want to do that. I just say, look, this isn't working. So I'll tell you what, I'll decide what you're gonna wear this week. And then next week we'll try again. You know, maybe we can do it differently. Maybe you can decide ahead of time. We can put little tags like little Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. You can literally put tags on the hangers of what you want to wear throughout the week. So I might come up with a different plan on how they can decide what they're gonna wear. But I'm always into systems and planning, and I always here's the thing: I want them to succeed. I want them to have autonomy, control, power. I want them to have that because that's what builds self-esteem, confidence, and also improves our relationship. I want them to feel like they have power, but I don't want them to feel like they can be rude or misuse that power.
Do you find that you're putting in like guardrails around the choices that children make?
SPEAKER_01That's a it's a good way of putting it, but I don't want them to feel that way. I want them to feel, and I I know what you're saying. So yeah, you can make decisions, but it's within reason. Yeah, but I don't kind of say it. I want them to, I don't, I don't want to put guardrails up because I want them to feel like they have total autonomy and then then they'll learn as they go. So when they do make a dis a bad choice, I'll say, I'll tell you what, that's not gonna happen because that's not appropriate for school, um, etc. You know, um, so what we'll do is it, but I would say it in the moment. I wouldn't put it up ahead of time. I don't want them to know there's guardrails up, is what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_00I think my mindset around that is let's say you're in school and you have to write a big essay and the teacher just goes, Okay, just make sure you write it. It's like it's nice to have, okay, it should be a thousand words, it should be the, you know, it's nice to have at least some idea of where you're going.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, the systems, I guess, is what you're you're calling guardrails with probably more what I'm thinking of systems. Yeah. Here's the system. Um, you know, you can decide what you wear, you decide ahead of time. There's no changing your mind at the last moment because we got to get out the door. So that would be the system, or as you said, the guardrail. Yeah, it's the same thing. We just had a different way of saying it.
SPEAKER_00I think you've also talked about the idea that having them not be in control of absolutely everything can sometimes give them a sense of security too.
SPEAKER_01Um, yes and no. Um, it really depends what it is. And I like to give kids a lot of control, like a lot. And when I was working with kids too, they often would say, you never tell me what to do. And then I'd say, and yet you do the right thing. And they say, and and literally the older kids would ask, I said, How does that work? And I didn't really know how to answer that either. But because I'm giving them so much power, but they know I'm gonna come in later and say, I'll tell you what, that isn't working. But I do it in such a way that I'm not criticizing them. I'm saying, look, it didn't work. So I'll tell you what. What I'm gonna decide, I'm gonna decide how we work on this this week, but then next week, think about it, you come up with another idea on how we're gonna run this or whatever. So I always want to give them opportunities to come up with good systems and problem solving on their own. Because, and this is kind of weird too. I don't like micromanaging people. I just don't like it. I'm not a bossy person by nature. I don't like micromanaging kids. I want them to manage themselves. Um, and that way I can just be free to have fun.
SPEAKER_00Do you find also that when you're giving the children the benefit of the doubt, it almost makes them rise up to those expectations?
SPEAKER_01Exactly what I was gonna say. They get so proud of themselves that they just they do, they just do the right thing. I guess that's the older kids and the teenagers. That's what they were saying. They said they felt like they were kind of in control and almost guiding me in a way. Um, but yeah, they did it with such responsibility because they had pride. You want to give them something to be proud of too, right? If they don't have any pride, if they're just obedient soldiers to what you're saying, that's ludicrous. I don't do that. So I want them to feel like they have pride and they have control and that and that they have good ideas. Now, here's the thing: if I have a system I really like, okay, and if a kid would say to me, um, actually, can we do it this way? And if their system wasn't as good as mine, but it's okay, I would go with theirs.
SPEAKER_00It's funny, I was just editing or it was a while back, but you were talking about the importance of giving children pride, and then you're talking about if you're just being the authority, you're like, you're stripping them of pride.
SPEAKER_01If you keep nagging them, that's there's no pride in doing what you're nagged to do. Zero. You're actually stripping them of pride. That was a bit dramatic, but I wanted to get my point across. You're stripping them of pride because you're heavy. Because you asked them to hand the remote control. Okay, you know I talk in absolutes to get my point across, but anyway.
SPEAKER_00You put on this whole rant about how you're like, well, that's a little dramatic.
SPEAKER_01I I'm dramatic. But does that make I like what I just said, actually. And I don't like a lot of what I say, but I like what I just said about even if their idea isn't as good, I will usually go with theirs because wow, you came up with an idea. Like, wow, let's do it. Let's go with it. What are you laughing at? No, I'm just okay, we're gonna get into this.
SPEAKER_00Are we gonna talk about what happened today? I don't know. We'll we'll see if it's if we're on the same wavelength. So I I have joined a couple book clubs and I said to my mom, Oh, you're gonna bring this up.
SPEAKER_01Oh no, oh no, it's embarrassing for you.
SPEAKER_00I said, I would like to become more interesting. And instead of building up my pride, you know, if my mom goes, you want to be more interesting, and she starts laughing.
SPEAKER_01I ripped her to shreds. I would like to become interesting. So now whenever she says anything, I said, is that part of becoming more interesting? It's just become a thing, right? So we're laughing at it. But you're a full-grown woman, and it's different. It's just different. So yeah, you open yourself up to that. She was being very, very vulnerable, and I went in for the kill. So but I'll tell you something. If I say something like that, boy, you go into something. Oh, it's a it's a mutual thing. It's a mutual thing. But yeah, um, like I said, I like kids to feel like they're self-propelled, self-disciplined, self-driven, okay, problem solvers. And then, and they, and it's funny because kids would know I knew the answer to something, right? And they'd say, Well, what should I do with this? And they knew I would know what to do. And I'd say, Well, I don't know, you can figure it out. And we, it was like a game, it was like a dance we did. And I'd and they'd say, Well, why don't you just tell me? And I said, I'd rather you figure it out. And then they would, but it wouldn't be as good as what should have been done. Then they would say, Okay, so what I've decided is this. And I said, Yeah, that's good. Let's go with it. And they said, You got a better idea, don't you? So this is they get older, right? You got a better idea, and I'd say, I'd say, maybe. So then I'd come up with something else. So there was no butting of heads. It was more just this, I was proud of them for coming up with an idea. And then if they did ask me if I had a better one, I would suggest it, and then I'd say, but I'll tell you what, you know, I'd rather go with yours and see how it pans out. So I like to give them control, but when they start getting snotty and abusing it, that's not about that, that's not what I'm talking about at all. If they get snotty about it, I'd say, no, we're just gonna do it this way. We'll try again next week. But I would try again. You always want to give them opportunities to prove themselves better. Okay.
I'm blanky on who had said this, but I was listening to a podcast. And it's the idea it's kind of on the same concept as the person they were getting interviewed and they were quite well in business. And they said, Do you like to go in the room where you're not the smartest person? Or, but they had a really interesting answer because I know a lot of people will say, Well, yeah, I love being in the room where I'm not the smartest. And they went, It doesn't matter what room I go in, I'm never the smartest. They go, I can always learn something from someone else. And I thought that was so interesting. It was like they go, I don't care if that person's two or two, not 200, 20 or 2,000 years old. But I just thought that was a really interesting perspective. And I think that's kind of where you're going with this.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and you know, I always say if you're not learning from kids, you're missing out because they're gonna teach you stuff. They have brand new, fresh brains and they don't have baggage like we do. Plus, they don't have history of things that have been tried in the past and not worked. So they might come up with something, but just a little bit of a twinge and a different way of doing it. So, yeah, if you're not learning, have an open mind, is what I'm saying. You know, and go with their ideas, give it a go. And if it flops, hopefully you've got a good enough relationship with them, you can laugh it off and then say, well, let's try this instead. There's nothing wrong with trying things and failing. I would rather they try and fail and then they try again or whatever. You know, the road to success is paved with failure. There's no shame in not being perfect and not being right. And also, smart is far too, there's too much emphasis put on smart. I don't get that. You know, to me, someone who's who's really a winner is open-minded learners. People who go into a room and think, what can I learn from this from this group? That to me is a winner. That is, I guess, what you call smart to me. It's not the one, you know, and people don't want to be impressed. Um, people want to learn, they want to have fun. Um, but yeah, a lot of people go try to be impressive. People don't really want to be impressed. Smart is overrated. I prefer open-minded people who are easy to get along with, they're fun, and they're interesting. You know, they try different things and they and they can put themselves out there. I like vulnerability too. You know, vulnerability is one of the most likable qualities in the world. Um, if you show vulnerability to people, it's hard to do. Um, I'm very good in my inner circle, but not with strangers out in the world, you know, not showing my belly. Uh, but you know what I mean. Vulnerability. So, yeah, and you want your kids to be able to do that with you and say, Mom, I'm not sure if this is gonna work. Can I, you know, can we give this a go? I would have gone, sure. Then if it failed, I would have told them a story of what I did wrong, you know. But I would praise them
for trying.
SPEAKER_00Now, circling back on the topic of children calling the shots, I think some parents use that phrase and they go, Oh, my children just call the shots or something along those lines. It's usually not meant in a positive light.
SPEAKER_01Well, calling the shots means they are in charge in a very rude way and they they are very rude about it. Okay, that's different. That also says low self-esteem to me, and that's when you're butting heads. So it's when you're always up against each other. So my way, no my way, no my way. And you do have to be in charge initially of a lot of stuff, right? Because you're, you know, you're paying the mortgage. I mean, you're the ones that have the house. You have to get them to school, you've got responsibilities. They don't tend to have a lot of responsibilities yet. And the way that you teach them to be more responsible is give them responsibilities, give them chores, give them systems to work from, give them the opportunity to come up with ideas on how you run the house certain ways. How should our morning routine run? If you don't like the way it's run, how what do you want? You know, but when you ask them this way and you say, well, you know, do you have a better idea? And then if they come up with something, give it a go. Give it a go. You know, like kids like to, they like to feel hurt and respected. But when they're rude, I don't give it a go. If they're rude about it, I'd say, no, I'll tell you what, I didn't like the way you you asked me that way, so we're not gonna try it. No.
SPEAKER_00Do you find that some parents find their children are being rude in the sense because they are fearful of coming across as like too mean of a parent?
SPEAKER_01Um, I think at some point they just are lost, period. Um, you know, the kids are acting out, they don't respect them, and they say, well, I can't give them any autonomy because they're just gonna abuse it. That's why we use the behavior board. When I'm talking about how I want kids to have autonomy, I come in as a leader already. So it's very different. They tend to respect me right from the start, more so, because I don't have history when I'm working with kids and with my own kids, I was a leader from day one, right? So, but when you're learning how to be a leader, it's not that easy. Okay, but you have to kind of ease in those systems, ease in, like even on the behavior board when they get a little, when you get going with it, you can even say, I'll tell you what, what do you want my rule to be? Give them autonomy, give them control over what your rule and your consequence is. So that's a good place to start, okay? And then they start to feel heard, respected, and they start to not abuse the power. Because when you say, What do you want my rule to be? What do you want my consequence to be? Think, you know, it's very rare that kids are not responsible and not respectful when they do that. It's quite interesting, actually. A lot of parents will say, Well, they're just gonna say, leave me alone or something, but they don't usually. Usually they say something really respectful and really and valid. Parents often say, Well, geez, they said no more dirty looks. And they said, I didn't even know I was giving them dirty looks, but evidently they were. So yeah, give that's a good place to start, is on the behavior board. Let them control what your rule and what your consequence is.
SPEAKER_00Okay, would you like to get started with the parenting questions? I would. And before I get started, you can check out the Bratbusters behavior board. It's like a little mini course uh on the website, Bratbusters.com. Okay, the first question here is Cassidy from the United States. I have a four-year-old daughter who has been having a hard time managing her emotions.
She melts down over her car seat, straps being twisted, the car seat feeling too tight, and sudden change in plans, wanting hugs when I can't physically accommodate while driving. This can also apply during fun activities like reading. She wants to dictate how I hold her, the book, where my hand goes and doesn't go, whether she turns the pages, etc. This is quite exhausting. Any suggestions on how to deal with her sense of need for control and emotions that follow when she can't have her way?
SPEAKER_01Well, the car seat one's quite interesting. So she doesn't like the straps curled. So she's even fussing over the car seat. Are you curling the straps? Is it digging into her? If not, just say you'll survive. You're probably discussing it too much. She's got you in this loop where you're trying to explain yourself. That's my that's what I'm hearing here. Is that, well, no, the car seat's fine. I would just say you're all right and strap her in anyway. So if she doesn't like, what was the other one? She was dictating about reading the book and that, say, look, I'll tell you what, either you can hold the book and turn the pages, or I will. Or, you know, let's decide ahead of time. And then if she interrupts, say, I'll tell you what, we'll try reading later. So yeah, you give her the option up front, but then if she doesn't follow that, um, but then don't get into the conversation around it. But I told you if we did that, you know, all that wimpy stuff, all the conversation around it, that's what that's what she's doing. She's pulling you in. I'm almost guaranteed about that. So she's pulling you into explaining yourself. And you're she's pulling you into arguments. Okay. And the interesting thing is it makes them miserable because they don't want you to do that. They're gonna they're she's just testing you. She's like, are you a leader or are you not? You know, so that's what she's doing actually at that age.
SPEAKER_00Yep. So I think that's an interesting point because I think when I said that parents are maybe feel like they might be too mean. I think when you say all that wimpy stuff, I think that's what feels mean is shutting down those conversations.
SPEAKER_01Well, when I say, Okay, oh, I see, okay. You see, my head doesn't even go there. Um grasping that. It's mean to say you're all right when you're putting her in a car seat because she's whinging or whining about the straps being curled. You're giving too much attention to the stuff that she's just using. She's just using it. It's not really curled, it's not really hurting her, I'm sure. I'm assuming it isn't, okay. Um, so yeah, you're just feeding into that. So then you think that's mean by not having a conversation about it. Is that kind of I can't, my head can't even get around that one. Okay, so you think that parents think it's mean when I say you're all right, when she's fussing over the is that it? Well, I think maybe the the choice of your word saying wimpy. Um, okay, so the parents are wimpy. So the parents are wimpy for well, you know, you when you yeah, that's kind of a wimpy voice, is what I'm using. Yeah, that argue that you're trying to justify yourself. You're trying to explain yourself to her, and she doesn't like that, she doesn't respect you because you've already explained it. Well, I'm putting you in the car seat. That is the explanation. Anything past that doesn't need to be discussed. Oh, my car seat isn't, and then you're discussing it. That's the wimpy part. It is wimpy.
SPEAKER_00I know, I just want to really I'm I'm trying to But how is that mean?
SPEAKER_01I don't understand the the wimpy and mean. How does that then you said oh I want to get into this because when I okay, so when I say I think that parents may take this as you saying that you're not having discussions about this, you're not discussing this.
SPEAKER_00Whereas Right. You don't need to discuss the car seat.
SPEAKER_01You don't need to that's what I'm saying. You don't need to discuss that she needs to brush her teeth, you don't need to discuss that she has to get in the car seat. These are things that have to be done. Plus, she's doing it in a very rude way, okay? You do not need to explain yourself. You're getting in the car seat. No, but I don't like it. Well, you're getting in anyway, and then clip her in. It's gonna happen anyway. It's these arguments about stuff that has to be done. Like, I don't want to go to bed, and then, but I want you to because you need your sleep and that's the wimpy stuff. Just say, well, it's bedtime, good night, and then leave the room. You've already tucked her in, you've read books to her, it's all done. It's this after the after stuff, it's the stuff that needs to be done, is what parents end up over-explaining. Well, the reason why we have to have vegetables, and you know, it's you don't need to explain all that. She's four years old. She understands healthy food, or she has to get the safety in the car seat, or she has to go to bed. It's explaining yourself once she already understands the rules. They're fair and reasonable rules, right? You have to eat healthy, you have to get in the car seat, you have to go to bed. And then you, the more you explain, the more they complain, it's a vicious cycle. She's got you by the canackers. She knows you're going to overexplain everything because you're insecure about what you're saying or doing. And that's how it comes across. That's the wimpy part. You look insecure. You look like you feel you need to explain myself yourself. I don't. If I if I say to a kid, okay, hold my hand for crossing the street, but I don't want to, I'd say, well, we're good, you're going to do it anyway. And I would just grab their hand and walk across the street. There's no way I would have a discussion about that. No way. Because now all of a sudden I look weak. I look like I don't believe in what I just said. Does that make more sense? I feel like I'm not explaining it very well. But yeah, I don't explain the obvious. And also she already understands she has to get in the car seat. She's just trying to get you to she's trying to pull out the rug from under you, make you look, make you feel insecure about what you're saying and doing. Whereas I'm not, I'm just saying well you're going to get in the car seat. Well you're going to hold my hand. Well you're going to go to bed. Well you see that was good. I just wanted you to kind of go into your reasoning behind it. No, I'm glad you do that because um if I don't explain myself people aren't going to understand what I'm saying. But I have to overexplain because I feel insecure about what I'm saying, I guess.
SPEAKER_00Yeah you sounded a little wimpy there moment. I did sound really wimpy there didn't I'll get into the next question. So Chris from the United States what could be going on if a four-year-old child female doesn't respond to me, the mom when I
ask her questions, even if she can perfectly hear me? What could be going on when if she s negates what I say? I don't do this but her father does in conversation. She will hit me sometimes when mad we don't hit in the household and I'm kind but firm with her in general and the rules no hitting. And then I tell her she has to do a chore for hitting so something she doesn't like and she doesn't and refuses to.
SPEAKER_01Well then you have the second consequence that's the free behavior board. There's two consequences there's the positive and then the negative the positive is the chore right getting her to do something. If she won't do it then you have something to resort to then you take TV away or whatever for 24 hours. So yeah, yep we want to take control of that. When she snubs you that is one of the rudest things that a kid can do. It just says she's in charge and you're not it's just it's a real rude thing to do to completely ignore a parent. You just haven't earned her respect. You can't blame her for that you've trained her to do that by the way you've got to work on your leadership and start with the free behavior board it teaches you how to get organized with all this. So yeah she just doesn't respect you. That's all because you haven't earned it you haven't set yourself up as a leader. Respect isn't handed to you. It's earned you got to work for it.
SPEAKER_00Okay the next one's DeJanna from Germany. How do you keep your calm? This is so difficult for me although I usually am a really calm person and
content. My four-year-old still gets me so mad sometimes and I sense it and I know it is not the right response but still I react impulsively and go to negative deprivation immediately. A few minutes after I regret it but then it's already said or I start with a therapy session in an angry voice lol. Why does he still get me heightened although I know this sassy brat behavior is what I taught due to my pleaser style. Is there any phrase I could use to get myself together before reacting? Any good practice? Thank you.
SPEAKER_01Well no you're asking me how to help you control your own emotions. I really can't do that. And um I was talking about this in a live and I said that is by far the most challenging thing in coaching is people ask me, how do I change my personality? That that is your challenge with all this. You've just got to fake it till you make it. So um when people say well how do I control my anger my emotions and they say well I'm really calm normally I work with teachers, principals, child psychologists who are wonderful at working with kids but they say why can I work with all these kids hundreds of kids principals especially I've been a teacher for 20 years a principal for 20 years and still and it's easy right and then I go home to my two kids and they drive me insane. It's personal that's why it's a different relationship. That's why I specialize in this because it is parenting is different from every other parent, every other adult child relationship. It's personal you take it personally it's very frustrating because they're a reflection of you. So you take it as a personal insult that's why you get really angry. That is your job to overcome that you just have to fake it till you make it start with the free behavior board and week one is just one battle. Okay you're just addressing one thing. Week two is another battle so it's another rule with the kids and week three is another one and you only go three behavior boards. Anyway, you just got to start small and work from there. Now if you show anger frustration or disappointment you're not a leader because all of a sudden you look weak. You just do because there's those are all fear-based things because you don't know what else to do. I know what else to do. I don't need to be angry because I know what else to do. It's because you don't know what you're doing. So you just think well I'm just frustrated as anything. You don't get frustrated when you have a solution. Everything I teach is the solution okay so just keep following through and that is what prevents the anger is when you know what to do instead. If you've got nothing to do of course you're going to get angry.
SPEAKER_00Okay the next one is Mary from Finland. Please help almost four year old behaves very badly with certain groups of friends
especially a few of his daycare friends he's been with since age one. He also does this with a few other close friends they all go into hyper mode and they don't listen, follow rules and don't play or talk nicely and are just being jerks. Al San can break the rules 10 plus times within 10 minutes. It's exhausting and daycare is really struggling. He seems unable to resist joining in when other kids behave this way. We're clearly not leaders yet we're on week five but the behavior board and consequences work fairly well in most situations. How do you handle this? Should we ask daycare teachers to report all rule breaking back to us daily and then consequence at home? The problem is he breaks so many rules every per day and then he would probably end up with media blackout constantly there's a little bit more but I'll keep it at that yeah okay you said your four year old's acting like a jerk.
SPEAKER_01Uh I get that okay so you've just got to fix the home base first okay so there's lots of different ways I go about this but just start with a behavior board pick one rule and focus on home. Also a lot of reasons why kids are acting out at school and not at home is because for one thing they haven't got a lot of kids to feed off of at home usually also things usually go more their way you kind of have their have the setup sort of custom to them. So yeah maybe have a few more challenging things at home that he might fight so that you've got opportunities to exercise your leadership. So yeah don't make his life don't make his life at home quite as easy have maybe a few more rules and that's what the behavior board's all about. You might have school morning routine mealtime routine you can check out I got tons of videos on all this stuff. So yeah just start out getting systems and routines at home and challenge him a little bit more have more chores for him okay times where he has to have self-control. He doesn't have any yet so the more you teach him how to have self-control the more he's going to exercise it when he's out. So exercise it at home and then he'll exercise it when he's out more but it it's going to take time. It's not going to happen overnight.
SPEAKER_00I want to circle back on the idea in the previous question the word brat was brought up do you want to just go over
your thoughts on the word brat?
SPEAKER_01Okay I never use it. Well you never use it except every single day in your business. Well my company is bratbusters but I I've never used that with kids because I never think of the kids as the problem I always think of the parents as the problem that's why. Even when I was working with kids when I was working with kids um and if they acted out under my mentorship like under my care I always thought what am I missing here? I always blame myself okay that's why if they're their reflection of me is the way I look at it. Whenever I'm working with kids or raising kids. So but anyway the reason I named my company that was when I was working with teenagers they said you're always busting brats. It wasn't me they said that. So then I thought it was funny. And then I thought I don't really want to work with people who don't have a sense of humor either. So I thought that was I just like the name. But yeah there don't look at it like they're the problem. Look at it like you are okay everyone's very quick to blame their kids for bad behavior. I don't do that. I just don't because they're just a reflection of the parenting they're getting the guidance they're getting or the lack of it right so always look at it like look in a mirror and say what am I missing here? And if and that's the best news I can give you you do have control, especially between the ages of three and 12. That's when you're at the height of your leadership. They kind of instinctively need crave and want guidance and leadership. And then they tend to want to please that leader that mentor that coach that person that they look up to that's what you want to be for them. They're going to tell you everything and they're going to try and please you and in and that way they'll also be pleasing themselves because they're going to be making better decisions. They're going to have higher self-esteem okay so yeah um yeah they're not brats they're just they're they're just not I don't even like saying that they're not they're just a reflection of your parenting that's all past the age of three. Under that they're kind of wild anyway you know they're just kind of explosive little little beings. But after three they have the ability to stop and think before they act. So that's on you.
SPEAKER_00Okay the next one is Lexi from the United States. I have a three year old at home who has become very defiant since he turned two. I
came across the Bratbuster's parenting methodology recently and my family has started to implement the tactics. We just started the behavior board with him and made his rule to be put his shoes on when asked. We've made sure to ask him and plenty of time to implement and a 15 minute timer to do his positive action if he refuses initially. But after that we have to go to daycare. So far he usually will do the positive action within the time but then will still refuse to get his shoes on after that. At that point we don't have enough time to implement the positive action again because we need to get out the door. My husband will pick him up kicking and screaming, putting him in the car and getting his shoes on in the car. If he refuses to task again and it's a task that has to be done like shoes on before leaving, how do we handle that? Do we move just straight to the deprivation?
SPEAKER_01Okay that was just really messy. What you do is you say to him put your shoes on within five minutes of being asked to do so and have visual cue reminders. Have a picture of a clock up with a five minute segment you know sort of red you know highlighted out or whatever. So he needs visual cues okay so start with that and then say okay that and then make sure it's when you're near the door when you're kind of leaving so we need give them lots of time to do it. Like what I mean is lots of opportunity and appropriate time. Say okay so you've got five minutes and the timer starts now five minutes to put your shoes on. Don't say another word okay and you never discipline them when you're getting out the door. If it doesn't go well then you say we'll discuss it when we get home. Then you do the consequence later on. But in the moment you give them the five minutes he's goofing around he's not putting his shoes on don't say a word about it. Just you're just a timekeeper okay so then beep beep beep the timer's up and then you go get them and you say okay you didn't get your shoes on within the five minutes so we're just going to put you in the car without your shoes and we'll put them on when we get there. Okay? Then you pick them up kicking and screaming and bring his shoes along with you and then you'll put them on when you get where you're going. Okay? Now he's learned that after that five minutes you're going to take control anyway. But he's got and then also he's going to get a consequence when you get home and you don't discuss it. And then he might be in the car crying and screaming but you're just ignoring all that. I hate you I hate you but I don't want a consequence I'd be like whatever anyway beautiful day out. See he cannot pull me into that I'm not going to explain myself. I can't be dragged down to the low road where he which is where he is I'm on that high road inviting him up there playing I spy discussing the weather discussing where we're going I am not going to discuss that shoes at all. It's been done it's been dealt with yeah it was just messy the way you did it you didn't set the timer for the five minutes for him to put her shoes on his shoes on. Then you were getting frustrated I'd just be standing there calm as a cucumber and then when five minutes is up pick them up kicking and screaming put them in the car and put his shoes in afterwards and say the timer's up so we're going now. So yeah it was just kind of messy that's all okay we have one final question.
SPEAKER_00So Cassidy from the United States I have a four year old daughter who has meltdowns. We recently
went to the library before going in I told her we would be not playing on the computers. While inside she got on the computer I told her no to get off. She continued on the computer so I walked over removed her headphones and told her we had to leave now due to her disobeying I carried her part way while pushing the wagon of books and my toddler. I couldn't carry her any longer and just decided to sit on the ground in protest of leaving. What should I have done in the moment with her as I was processing what to do about the basket of books I had to check out before leaving her behavior and keeping my toddler content.
SPEAKER_01So messy so messy what's the rule around that can sometimes she go on the computer and sometimes she can't I don't understand that. And how does she know how to get on the computer if sometimes she doesn't understand why can I sometimes go on there and sometimes I can't you have to have a system you say I'll tell you what the first 10 minutes we go to the library you can go on the computer. Then I'm going to set a timer and then you get off the computer if you argue we go straight home. Okay? Or I don't understand that. Again, how does she get the headphones on, the computer turned on and you're not right there turning it off and taking the headphones? How does she even get it turned on? You're giving these kids so much power to do the wrong thing and then you rip it out from under them and you're inconsistent. So yeah I don't understand that one at all. I don't understand why she's in front she's already on the computer. How does it get that far? Because you said going in no computer but she already knows how to do it. So you must you're inconsistent. So sometimes she must be allowed to do it. But then you just control without without a system without without empowering her her to know what's coming like if I'd said if I was going in with my kids and there was computers in the library I would have said I'll tell you what the first 10 minutes I'm going to set a timer you can go on the computers. Then the rest of the time we can read books. If you argue we'll leave okay so that would have been it and they would have known going in ahead of time what was going to happen. So sometimes she can go on the computer I'd have a fit too if sometimes I could and sometimes I couldn't. It's inconsistent. It's not fair to her so yeah that that's I feel bad for her because she's confused. That was it for the parenting questions. Okay. I feel like I wasn't really very clear about all this uh the the wussiness and the the ex over explaining
you you want to give children control but once they get rude like if you don't have a system in place for one thing that that's important too you want to you want them to know what's coming. I want kids to be able to predict what's going to be happening in their lives. I don't like to surprise them with things like like the thing you know oh by the way today you're not going to go on the computer. You know I don't like to do that. I think that's mean. So I really do. So um but you got to set up systems ahead of time so that they know what's coming. You can't say well bedtime's eight o'clock but oh last night it was 8 30 and tonight it's I'm mad at you so it's going to be seven. You see how where's the system? They're lost. They don't know what's expected of them. Where's the leadership? Where's the organization? Okay they they will follow. And you know what's interesting is kids go to school, right? And so in grade one, do you know you'll never see a kid or it's very rare teachers have told me this very rare that when kids have recess and they like it they're having fun when that bell goes it's very rare that a kid will stay in the playground and argue that they don't they don't want to come back in. Why is that? Because they know that there's no point they know that that's a rule that's the system it's consistent it's predictable it's laid out ahead of time. They actually feel like they do have control. Okay, time to come in. They just understand systems and they understand consistency. They like routines they like schedules they like habits. The the more efficient you are at setting those up the less likely they are to argue with you because you're not confusing them anymore. Yeah that poor kid going into the library obviously she has been allowed to go on the computer now all of a sudden she can't it's it's it's not fair to her. Oh that was a bit of a rant wasn't it like I have no notes. No notes okay so thanks so much for joining us the topic was children calling the shots there's I want them to call the shots I really do. I want them to have control over their lives. But I'm laying down like the systems and the pro and the things that they I've got all the systems set up and they know if they don't like a system they can they can say to me look can we change that you know I don't like the way that's done if they come at me in a really fair and reasonable way chances are I will change it. Okay. But if they come at me in a snotty tone I'd say no not going to change I don't like the way you're talking to me. So yeah I'm very open when you treat me very nicely. And kids learn that they like that it makes them feel good okay but I will give an example of this.
SPEAKER_00So we the the bag of fabric scraps. Oh oops
so my mother sews and as if you sew you know that you always have fabric scraps right mom. Oh yes yeah and so I think it was for the Easter hats that we did in school we had to decorate these Easter hats and funny story lots of lots of cool decorations from all the other kids we always had a bag of fabric scraps.
SPEAKER_01Okay. I discussed this with my mom I think and I do remember later on throughout the years you ended up giving us more than just the fabric scrap well what happened was my son started it and what it he made he's very funny and he said you know mom he said you gave me a bag and I I thought I picked up good stuff. There was pom-poms in there you know and glue to put anyway. So he said mom you gave me a bag of fabric to work with and his friend that was right next to him he said he came with a big like this big um like a kit it had glue and glitter and like all these fancy things in there like really the mother went a tube tool belt for Lucas. He said it was like a tool belt and he had holsters for all this fun stuff you know and he said I had a bag of fabric. So and we were just cracking up over this. So then I learned and they said Mom come on you know you got to lighten up a little bit with that. So I did and I went out and bought a bunch of glitter and all that stuff. But one thing I never gave up on was the hats. They didn't like the fact that I used to uh paint their names on their hats because the hats in Australia they always had to have hats like wide brim hats and they would get stolen and lost because their name was only on the inside so you're not going to check 600 hats to find your hat. So I would literally paint their name on the top of the hat. They didn't like that I never gave in with that because I was terrified of head lice right so I didn't want them sharing hats or anyone else touching their hats. So I didn't give in with that but I did give in with yeah the bag of fabric. I think I still threw a little bit of fabric in but I did get all the other stuff too. All I'm saying is that you were open to negotiations. I was very open to negotiations. And my son used to say if you want to get something out of mom just make her laugh and she'll she'll give you anything. I like to laugh so yeah so you see they always came at me in a nice way and with a lot of humor. And it that's how you get you know my mom used to say you get more with honey than you do with vinegar. And then my kids learned to use the honey and it worked. Okay that's it let's wrap it up here. Thanks so much for joining us and be back again talking about another parenting topic happy parenting thanks for tuning in.
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