Okay, today's question is Rachel from the United States. My son's almost four and he's in a bad habit of responding with no when asked to do something. I'm using the behavior board and I put follow directions as the rule. I wasn't sure if you have any other recommendation or different approach to break this habit. I ask him to try again and respond with yes, ma'am. Then he does his cleaning for three minutes, since saying no means he didn't follow directions.
SPEAKER_00Welcome to a mini-episode of the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. I'm Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. Let's get into the episode.
SPEAKER_00Okay, now when you were reading that out, I'm assuming you didn't pan over to me because my reaction was kind of dramatic.
SPEAKER_01I did not, and I do want to start out by saying I can understand that your method, like there's a lot that goes into it. There's a lot of different parenting methods out there too. And so if you've maybe been listening to one other person and you just hear about rules and consequences, they might not have heard your full interpretation.
SPEAKER_00Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening to any of that. Anyway, I'm just thinking about what I want to say.
Okay. Now you're demanding respect. You're demanding obedience. And when you say you want them to say yes, ma'am, you're looking, you're trying to build an obedient little soldier. That is not what I teach at all. That's the old-fashioned authority drill sergeant kind of way. It's it's that fear-based parenting. It means that, oh, okay. You're trying, you're using intimidation and fear. Okay, don't do that. It's not what I teach at all. The behavior board is all for, it's usually all about actions. And you cannot put, you listen to me or you do what I say, or and then you say yes, ma'am. It's so demoralizing. Could you imagine if if your husband or your wife or whatever said that to you? Like you listen to me, you do what I say, and then you say yes, ma'am. Think about it. It's extremely demoralizing. So yeah, you're cutting him down, and he's gonna rebel as he gets older. How could he not? I would. Okay, so yeah, the obedient soldier stuff. It's fear-based parenting, it's the old-fashioned authority, it's intimidation-based, and it's just mean. I hate it. Okay, so what you can put on there instead is a chore you want him to do. Go through the free behavior board. Okay, you don't put down attitude or listen to me. You're trying to demand respect, though. It's not respect you're getting. You're just getting fear and intimidation. You're it's it's just not respect at all. You want to be a leader. Leaders get respect, but they also they respect the child, too. Like it's it's mutual, it's got to be mutual, or else you're not a leader, okay? Uh, you're just a dictator. So yeah, you do not you want to pull away from that. Um, but anyway, it's it's a very old-fashioned way to parent and it will cause problems down the road, almost guaranteed. And it certainly will lower self-esteem. Okay, so yeah, you can put something down like uh put your shoes away within five minutes of arriving home, or if he hits, you can put down no aggressive behavior. So you can put down physical stuff, but you cannot demand that a child listens to you. It's just not the way you do it. It's not, I could go on for hours and hours about that, but it's never gonna get you what you want. I'm assuming you want to be a leader, you want to be friends with your kids, you want them to feel good about themselves. And this will do the opposite. He'll feel like crap about himself. If he's all he's doing is listening to you, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, you're a drill sergeant. He's not gonna feel good. His self-esteem will be in the toilet.
SPEAKER_01Now, the Bratbusters behavior board, it's a little mini course on how to set it up. You can get access to that when you join the newsletter on Bratbusters.com. But I think that sometimes people in the comments when I see this is they're trying to approach this by
preventing the no before it happens.
SPEAKER_00Well, he's only saying no because he doesn't respect you, and then you're trying to demand it, and then he respects you even less. It's just like, you know, worse and worse and worse. Um, so yeah, respect comes from connection more than anything. And respect you have to be on that behavior board too. If you yell at him, your rule is no yelling. So you have to be set yourself up as a leader. You have to lead by example. You can't just tell him what you want, you got to show him. Look, I respect you, you respect me. It does work eventually, but right now you're in a bit of a tailspin. You got to watch yourself because this is gonna cause a lot of problems. Okay, he's saying no a lot, and then you're demanding this, you're demanding this, this obedience from him, and he's already saying no. It's never gonna work, okay? It's just a disaster. So yeah, check out my free behavior board. If you want the course, you might even want to look into that. It just goes into more detail. It's the boot camp course, the older one, three to 12 years old. You might want to check into that, or just keep listening to the podcast or whatever, all my um videos and all that. There's lots of stuff on this. But the behavior board is about giving respect to get it. It's not just about getting kids to do what you want, it's about get giving it to get it because you're on there too. If you're not on there, if you're not accountable, you are just a dictator. You are not a leader. I don't teach dictatorship, I teach leadership.
SPEAKER_01Can you also talk about your thought process around letting kids make mistakes? Because I do think that sometimes parents trying to prevent the mistakes
before they happen.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I uh that's the pool story. If you look at the uh the pool story, um, you can Google Bratbuster's pool story, kind of sums up how I treat kids. Um, I I don't put up with anything, like I deal with bad behavior, but I don't go on about it. My my focus is always the connection. But when I said it's about the pool story, I've never put this in one of the videos I've ever talked about, which because I just assumed everyone would know. When that kid got out of the pool and started walking towards Whaley, you'll understand if you've heard the story before. When he went walking towards Whaley, I got eye contact with him and then I looked away. Now, most people, I guess, would have said, and I've heard this since, they said, Why didn't you tell him don't touch Whaley? Because I'd already told them, right? So, and I said, Why would why would I do that? I want them to do the wrong thing. I want them to make their own choices, in other words. Then when he got Whaley, then I took it. Like I let them make their own decisions. I want them to feel like they're in control of their own lives. So he goes, and then when he took Whaley in the pool, then I took action because he'd broken the rule. He had not broken the rule yet. I'm micromanaging him, I'm nagging him, I'm a pain in the butt. Don't get whaley. Don't remember, remember what I said, like all that nagging and whining. I would never do that. I looked, I got eye contact. I wanted him to know I saw him going to get Whaley. And he did. He went anyway. Now, if I'd said don't get Whaley, and then he went back in the pool without Whaley, I would have been saying, Don't do this, don't do that all day long, wouldn't I? Right? Because I didn't earn any respect by doing that. I'm just going for the obedient little soldier, right? So instead, I want I wanted him to make the bad choice so that I could I could discipline him and then connect. It was the connection which changed the trajectory of the entire day. He was wonderful all day. And this is a kid, you know, he was a handful, but he was great. He was all over me all day. Can I help you with this, Lisa, and that leaves? He was all over me all day, right? Trying to help out, trying to be the hero. But um, but yeah, I built him up. And if you nag them, you're you're dragging them down. Okay. I always want to build kids up, and that's how I do it. Let them do whatever they're gonna do. Then you come in with a consequence, then you connect.
SPEAKER_01I even remember growing up, let's use example of like chores, is I never I remember knowing what the chores
were, but I I never remember you being like, Did you clean your room? Did you do this? Did it like it was the chores were there.
SPEAKER_00Why would I do that? Did you do your homework? Are you ready for school? I would never do any of that. It's ridiculous. But if they hadn't done their homework, if they hadn't got ready for school, there would have been a consequence because they they are in charge. They make their own decisions, right? I have no memory of ever reminding my kids to get ready for school, do their homework, go to bed, none. They knew what to do. And if they chose not to do it or to do it wrong, you know, like just, you know, disregard school or whatever, then I would have come in with a consequence. I always wanted them to feel empowered and confident and have high self-esteem and self-discipline. If you're always nagging and don't forget to do it, how would you feel if you had a spouse who did that? Don't forget to do that. Yeah, I know, I know, get off my back. You almost kind of wanna be naughty, you know, if someone's coming at you like that. There's no pride in following orders. There's only pride in doing the right thing on your own reconnaissance. If someone's always telling you what to do, there's no pride. You're just following orders. Where's their self-respect, their self-discipline, their pride? They ain't got none because all you're doing is nagging them all the time. What a pain. Ugh, I would hate that.
SPEAKER_01Is it the idea of like if you're being micromanaged at work? It's like, well, I don't even really want to put my full effort into it anymore.
SPEAKER_00Why should I learn anything? You're just gonna nag me to do it anyway. There's no there's no you're just killing their, you're killing all their drive. You're killing all their their pride. Yeah, it's just awful.
SPEAKER_01Do you want to also discuss the idea of having the rules be not vague?
SPEAKER_00Plus, it's condescending. I didn't finish with that. Could you imagine if your spouse said to you, Oh, don't forget to lock the door every time you went out, don't forget to lock the door. Like it's so it's so mean, isn't it? It's condescending. Yeah. How would you feel if your spouse said that? Don't forget to don't forget the restaurant. You know, you've already got it written down. Don't like there, they're always, in other words, don't forget to be stupid. That's what you're saying. Don't don't forget not to be stupid. Don't forget to you see how it it's just nasty. It's nasty. Sorry, what did you say? I just wanted to go on a little bit more about that.
SPEAKER_01No, I just wanted to touch on before we ended the episode about the idea of choosing rules that were not vague.
SPEAKER_00Oh, oh, it's very
specific. Um, yeah, the rule has to be like if you want them to put their shoes and their jacket and their bag away after school, you have to say this put your shoes, jacket, and bag away appropriately. You can even use painter's tape to show exactly where it needs to go. Initially, it's so specific if you've got kids who are gonna argue. And then it has to be timed within five minutes of arriving home with no reminders. If you remind them now you're nagging, now they're you're gonna bring out the worst in them. You're gonna make them feel bad, right? So just let them let the five minutes go. Oh, let me see. Let's go to the board that okay. So you didn't do that within the five minutes. Fine, I'll do it now. I just forgot. Say, well, the next time you'll know. Anyway, here's your consequence. That's how they learn. Give them some pride, give them something to work towards, give them something to be responsible for, and they will be. They will rise up to what's expected of them, they will rise up to their own responsibilities and their own freedom. If you don't give them any responsibilities or freedom, they're never gonna have any self-dis self-respect or pride or anything. They're gonna be self-entitled, always looking to you to do everything for them. Yeah, you don't want that. I never wanted to remind my I hate Megan. I'm not a bossy person by nature. I don't want to have to remind my kids to do anything.
SPEAKER_01What if you have a parent listening who goes, Well, Lisa, you just don't know my little Johnny. He will not rise up.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I know your little Johnny. I've met them all. Uh, he just had a different name. Of course I know your little Johnny. I also know how to make Johnny feel good about himself. Okay, that's all I'm teaching here, right? You know, uh this what what how does this work? Uh I was talking to a teenager once and he said to me, he was in real trouble. Uh this years and years ago, he was a troubled teen. And he said to me, I thought this was fascinating. He just offered this up, and we weren't even talking about it. And he said to me, because he knew he was in big trouble now as a teenager, but he said, My parents didn't love me enough to discipline a nice person. Like, how did he word it though? I think that was it. No, my parents didn't love me enough to discipline me when I was growing up. He didn't want it now. He was too old, but like he was like 17 or 18 at this point. But he said, My parents didn't love me enough to make, I think it was to make me a good person. I think that's what he said. Like they equate all this stuff to love. They feel respected, they feel loved, they feel like you really want the best for them. When you're nagging them, they feel the opposite. But when you just let them do what they want to do, there's oh, another thing you said is about there's no shame in making mistakes. There's no shaming in this because you make mistakes too. You're on that board too. Okay, there's no shaming and blaming, and oh, oh, that was awful. I think you don't want kids to feel that way. You want them to go, yeah, I messed up. Anyway, what's my consequence? Like it's like not a huge deal, okay? Parents tend to make too big of a deal out of the bad behavior and not enough about the fun times. Focus more on the fun and the connection than the disciplining. Parents get so caught up in the bad kid, they forget to bring out the good kid. And that's what I do. I say you deal with bad behavior, but then you focus on the good kid. Parents will say to me, Well, I never see that kid. It's your job to pull it out of them. That is your job. Find it. I worked with tons of kids who were delinquent teenagers and all that. I always managed to find something that I could enjoy or like about them. Always. That was a challenge sometimes. But I always worked to find something that I liked about them rather than just focusing on correcting bad behavior. That's just never going to get you anywhere.
SPEAKER_01I think that's a great place to end it. Okay.
SPEAKER_00Well, thanks so much for joining us. Back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
SPEAKER_01Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit breathbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.