Today's question is Jennifer from the United States. My daughter is three and a half and will be four in October. I recognize I need to work in the area of not showing my feelings when she's whining. However, I recently tried the waiting method, washing the dishes or just sitting there waiting. But she begins to scream, crying at me, saying, be happy. And she will continue to say it until I say something to her. It's very upsetting. I'm wondering if I'm giving in too quickly. I just don't know what to do.
SPEAKER_00Welcome to a mini-episode of the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. I'm Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. Let's get into the episode.
I generally don't use whining as much with that. I use uh uh sorry. With whining I don't usually use ignoring like that. Uh but sometimes I probably do. I've probably said that in the past. It's kind of a gray area. But usually with whining, when they're past the age of three, I would say, you know, when you whine, and I would mimic it a little bit, say when you say, I want it, that's whining. So I want you to talk like this. May I please have, or just talk normally, so sure. Say, so in future, every time you whine, I'm gonna touch my nose or do something like a visual cue. Every time you're whining, I'm gonna touch my nose because that'll tell you you're whining. And then when I will ignore you, but when you talk nicely, I will answer you, okay? And then say, but the answer may still be no. That's how you handle whining. Whining is more of an affectation. It's something that it's like a vocal fry. You know that vocal fry. Usually when young women are trying to sound cool like they don't care about anything, the vocal fry. Well, that whining is in that department. So it's something that they get used to doing. They don't even always know they're doing it. So I don't necessarily treat it like bad behavior, and a tantrum isn't bad behavior either, but they're just a little bit different. So yeah, I would just have that visual cue to let her know she's whining, and that also gives you permission now to ignore her. And then when she talks nicely, answer her. Say yes. And you gotta be quick with this stuff though. Don't let her talk to you normally for five minutes and then answer her. It doesn't work that way. It's got to be
right away.
SPEAKER_01Now, how would you approach this with a toddler, which you consider to be 16 to 35 months?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, with a toddler, it's a little bit different because you can't use that reasoning with them. So you just say, Oh, no, and then you mimic how you want them to talk. Okay, so you say, No, mommy, can I have? And they might, they might um respond that way or they might not. So if it's something that they need, you got to give it to them anyway, but you try and get them to ask nicely. But if it's something that they don't need, you might just ignore them after you say that. Say, may I please have? And this is when they're about two, two and a half. If they're under that, you use diversion. If they start whining, you just go, oh no, oh, what's out there? So you can use diversion with that. Remember, it's never bad behavior. It's something that a lot of toddlers will try. Um, but if they keep going past the age of three, it means you've
been feeding it.
SPEAKER_01Now, could you put whining on the behavior board?
SPEAKER_00No. Um, I don't treat it like a bad behavior. That's why I can't put it on the board. It's just a vocal, it's a habit, it's an affectation. It would be like saying, um, you can't suck your thumb anymore. That it's kind of like that. It's become such a habit. And you've probably fed it. You've probably trained her to continue whining. Um, if my kids had whined, I would have looked at them like they were crazy because there's no way I would have put up with that for one second. Well, I would never have answered that. Okay. So they would never do it. They don't tend to do what never gets any results. Past the age of three, three and a half to four. They only do what works.
SPEAKER_01Now, if you're listening and you're looking to learn more about the Bratbusters behavior board, if you go to Bratbusters.com, we have the mini course there if you sign up for the newsletter.
But I think that sometimes people do get a little um unsure of what behaviors or what things like this could go on the behavior board. What are other things that some parents might mistake for putting on there?
SPEAKER_00Well, tantrums, that's one. If they have, but if they hit during a tantrum, you can have no hitting on the behavior board. And after they're finished the tantrum, uh, then you connect with them by talking to them. It doesn't have to be playing with them, but you connect with them right afterwards and you say, Oh, by the way, because now you're talking to them. They're finished with the tantrum. So you might want to change the subject for a couple minutes until they've really calmed down. Then you say, Okay, let you hit, so let's go to the behavior board. Do not discuss the tantrum. Don't say you hit during your tantrum. Just say, okay, so you hit me, so let's go to the behavior board. Remember, your rule is no hitting, so here's your consequence. Anything else? Well, um, tantrums is one of them. Um, attitudes, huge, huge, huge problem trying to get parents not to put attitude on that behavior board. When they work with me, they don't, but when they don't work with me, they do. They want to put things like this listen the first time you're talked to, or listen, do do whatever the first time I tell you. Um, don't ignore me anymore. Don't talk to me with attitude. You know, there's a whole bunch of stuff that parents just want to put on that behavior board. If they have a bad attitude towards you and they're they're talking to you really disrespectfully, like I hate you and all that, you've taught them that. You've put up with that, okay? So that means that it's it always take that as your fault. Their at their bad attitude is your fault, okay? You want to address it that way. So you cannot blame them for having a bad attitude towards you. It just means that you haven't earned the good attitude. You haven't earned their respect yet. You got to work for this stuff. You can't just expect it. A lot of parents just expect to get respect. That's absolutely ridiculous. You got to work for it, you got to earn it. You got to be respectful by not yelling, by staying calm during the discipline, by having fun with them and connecting. Okay, that's how you get respect. But a lot of parents just expect it without doing anything to get
it.
SPEAKER_01Now, in this question, it was talking about the waiting it out method. When would you use something like that?
SPEAKER_00What do you mean, the wait it out method?
SPEAKER_01So it says I'm just sitting there waiting. I've tried the waiting method.
SPEAKER_00So just that's the tantrum. That's the tantrum. Um, so when they're having a tantrum, good question, by the way. When they're having a tantrum, um, yeah, you wait that one out. And as soon as they're done, then you connect. Go, oh, nice day out, or oh, do you want to go read a book? So as soon as they finished having the tantrum.
SPEAKER_01And what's the difference between that and just like fully shutting down? Like, because I'm sure there are parents listening where they don't want to feel like they are neglecting their kids' emotions.
SPEAKER_00Well, you're nearby. And these are not, okay, tantrums are not based on big emotions and big feelings. They're based on they're just mad because they didn't get their own way. That's what you're ignoring. You're ignoring their entitlement. You're ignoring them, they're spoiled. I want everything my own way. That's all you're ignoring. You're not ignoring them. You're ignoring that. That entitlement is what you're ignoring. That they're mad because they can't have everything that they want right now, the way they want it by everything. So that's what you're ignoring. You're not ignoring them because you're right nearby. You're right there. It's important. They will clue into the fact that what you're doing is you're waiting for that tantrum to stop. They will learn. They're they're watching you. If you just look like you're just waiting for a bus, okay, don't go on your phone, don't get into a big conversation with someone. Your job is to stand there looking like you're waiting for a bus. Look bored. You can be doing dishes or something incidental like that, but don't get into conversations with someone else. I think that's rude.
SPEAKER_01Now, when they're screaming at you, be happy, or how do you approach that? Because I'm sure as a parent, that's hard to hear.
SPEAKER_00Uh, well, wouldn't bother me a bit. Be happy. Uh, you don't love me, all that stuff. Just ignore it. They're just trying to say anything to pull you in. They're trying to control you, okay? But if they say something like that when they're not having a tantrum, like be happy, you might want to assess your energy. Like, are you a miserable person who's bringing your kids down? But during a tantrum, just ignore all that stuff. They're just doing anything to pull you in. And they'll say anything to pull you in.
SPEAKER_01Who elaborate a little bit more on your energy as a parent. Ooh, okay. No, it's something that you
don't talk a ton about, but I do think because you talk about the important thing.
SPEAKER_00No, I was just mimicking you because you went, ooh.
SPEAKER_01I was just thinking out loud.
SPEAKER_00Okay, elaborate on the energy. Okay. I'm going to give you a really good example of this. It was my mother who was my hero. She was a leader. And I remember once I was complaining about something. Now, this is something that had already been worked out. She'd already dealt with it. It was no big deal. The neighborhood kids wouldn't let me play it. It was the older kids. You know, they don't always want a little kid playing what they're doing. Anyway, so I was going and I was just yabbering on. We'd already worked it out. She goes, Look, you don't like the little kids playing your games with your friends. So why, you know, so I went, Oh, okay. Anyway, I've just kept moaning about it. And I was like three or four or five, I don't remember. Anyway, she's staring at me, letting me talk. And I've just kept going on and on and on. And I just wouldn't shut up. Finally, when I shut up, then she talked. She says, Yeah, I'm gonna go bake a cake. Do you want to join me? She I was on the low road. She stayed on that high road and then she invited me up. I thought that was freaking brilliant. You know what's funny? Is even as a little kid, I knew what she was doing. And then I was embarrassed because I it just sort of leveled me. I thought, gee, I was being a fool, wasn't I? It made me look in a mirror and think, well, that was kind of silly, wasn't it? But yeah, that's the energy. She always has a had a positive energy. I never saw her really angry or yelling or anything like that. She was always calling I was pretty good too. I never yelled or anything. So they don't want to see you really angry. It scares the bejeebis out of them, by the way. Yelling does too, but they get used to it. They build a hard shell around yelling, but you don't want that. That hard shell is based on some negative stuff. You do not want your kids to be get used to being yelled at. I've never been yelled at, my kids were never yelled at. It's not a healthy thing to get used to being yelled at. So if you're already yelling at your kids, you're not alone. Most parents do, by the way. Um so just stop doing it if you can.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's a bold just stop doing it. Okay, thanks.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but I'm teaching you what to do instead. The only reason that you yell is it does work in the moment, usually. It will backfire down the road, and you don't want to do it anyway. You know it's mean, okay? You don't want to do it. But it's all you've got right now. But I'm teaching you what else to do. Everything we talk about is what you do instead of yelling. I didn't mean to be sassy.
SPEAKER_01Thanks, Lisa. But I think that sometimes when you just say, you know, just be a leader or just stop yelling, I'm like, uh-huh. And because I'm never sassy to you, ever.
SPEAKER_00We're a vice versa. Sassy. We do it both. Mother, daughter. Anyway, um, okay, so yeah, you got to work on your own leadership skills. It's all about you. And then parents say, Yeah, but they do this, but they do that. And I'm like, so what are you doing? What are you telling me that for? You work on yourself and they will follow. Parents always want to blame the kids for their own mistakes, right? They always do. And I get that. And when by the time they've hired me, they already kind of get this anyway. It's more when I'm doing a live and people aren't used to me. But if you knew what my kids were doing, yeah, I've worked with all those kids. I've this is what I talk about every single day, right? So I understand that, but you've got to control yourself before you can control your kids. Parents always say, Yeah, but if they weren't like that, then I could control myself. It starts with you. You control yourself first, and then they will control themselves by watching you. They will be very influenced by your leadership because they need, crave, and want a calm leader and a fun leader too. You want to be both, but you want to play with them during the fun times or during when they're not, you know, like when you're playing with them, let them be in charge, be totally goofy. Playing fun and laughter is their is their love language. Okay. So you want to be really good at connecting and being fun with them. But when you're disciplining, you want to be as calm as a cucumber.
SPEAKER_01And you talk about that staying on the high road as a parent.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that calmness is the high road. That's why you want to stay. As soon as you yell, you're on the low
road. You're and where who's the pull you up? There's no one on a high road to pull you back up. That later, that ladder is kicked out from under you. Once you've entered the low zone, the low road, you're gone. You can't get back up to that high road again. You stay on the high road and you keep inviting them up. Eventually, they will join. I've worked with hundreds of kids, troubled kids, teenagers. This stuff works. It just does. But you've got to prove yourself first. Parents all say, but I did it. I was a whole week I didn't yell. Takes a bit more than a week, okay, to really change things, especially if they're six or eight or whatever, and you've been yelling at them for six or eight years, and now all of a sudden you have one good week. It might take three to six weeks before you see an advantage to all this stuff. But it's worth it, okay? You got to put in the time, you got to put in the effort. But you have to change first, okay? They're not gonna change right along with you. They're still gonna, they usually get worse before they get better, by the way, especially as they get older and if you've really been yelling and all that, they're usually gonna get worse because they remember the old you and they're trying to pull you back in. They're trying to control you like they did before. As soon as you yell, they're in control.
SPEAKER_01I just want to make one more point before I'm done with my questions. But it was the idea of when you said that it's already been worked out when your mom was like, Oh, you're all right, that kind of concept. Is that the distinction between that not being dismissive? Because sometimes people, if you just go, Oh, you're okay, some parents may feel like their parents did that to them, and that was dismissive in that context.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. If a kid comes at me yelling and screaming, I'd completely ignore that, right? But as soon as they calm down, then I say, Okay, so what happened there? Do you want to talk about it? You see how I'm waiting for them to join me on the high road before I'm even gonna talk about it. Now, my mother had already worked it out. I'd come in, I was upset because the older kids wouldn't let me play this certain game. Made sense. She explained it to me. She goes, Look, you're too young to do that. And they don't, I think they were going up a ladder or something. There's no way I was like three or five. I couldn't have gone up a ladder. It was something like that. Anyway, mom explained it to me and she goes, Well, look, they were right because you shouldn't be going up that ladder. You're too young. Were any of the other little kids doing it? And I said, Well, no, but I'm more mature, whatever. I thought I should I should be the exception, I guess I thought. My mom said, No, would you want when you're playing with your Barbies, do you want a one-year-old to come in and play with you and your friends? No, okay. So we'd already worked it out. Then I kept, it was me kept, I was I never had a tantrum, but I kept going on and on about it. I kept telling, but then she said that, and then she said that, and I still think, and that's when my mom shut me down.
SPEAKER_01Okay, well, that was everything on my end.
SPEAKER_00Okay, I think we went on about that enough. That started with whining. So how the heck did it morph into everything else? It's a good question. It is, but that's the way these things go. So, you know, a lot of times people will ask me a question, but it's really not about that. And the whining really isn't about bad behavior, is what we were getting at. It's more about an affectation, it's more of a habit. So I want you to remember that whining is not something that I would create that I would have a consequence for. It's just a bad beh it's a it's a bad, annoying habit, okay? That you want, that you've already taught them how to do it when they're past the age of three, because you would have been responding to it. It would have been rewarded to continue past the age of three. Anyway, thanks so much for joining us. Back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
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