Connection always should outweigh correction. Without connection, the correction never works anyway. Okay? And I know most parents say, how on earth do I connect if all they're doing is rotten things all day long? I hear that all the time. I'm sure if your kids are acting out, that is a huge stress bucket that's getting added to your life. Hate it when a parent says to me, this is embarrassing to tell you. Do not be embarrassed to tell me anything. Now I've heard it all. I'm never gonna judge you. I am here to support you and help you and guide you along the way. That's it. But yeah, there is no judgment here at all. At all.
SPEAKER_01And let's say your child's really acting out. What percentage of your day is focused on that connection? What percentage is focused on the discipline?
SPEAKER_00Well, um, if he's acting out all day long, welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie, what are we talking about today? Today's topic is a part of calm leadership parenting that you think is so important, and that is focusing on connection over the discipline.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01Which may fail counterintuitive. What do you mean? Why?
If you are listening and maybe your kids are acting out, you're like, I feel like I need to focus on the discipline. I already connect enough.
SPEAKER_00What are your thoughts on that? That is so wrong and yet so hard to grasp and so hard to balance. That's the thing, is finding the balance with that. If all you're doing is correcting bad behavior, you're never going to get good behavior. Because wherever you put your focus and your energy is what grows. Even if you're doing the right thing and correcting the right way, if that's your main focus, you're just going to get more bad behavior, guaranteed. Okay. Now, the connection, a lot of parents get this wrong in that they think connection means you have to sit for three hours and play Lego. No, you can literally be washing the dishes and saying old McDonald had a farm. Unless you have teenagers, they might not find that that funny. But anyway, with little kids. And even with teenagers, you can just be chatting. Oh, what are you working on over there? They might just ignore you. Teenagers are a little bit different. But you get the idea. It can be little sporadic moments here and there. Or you can just, oh, what did I used to do to you that I it was my way of saying I love you without saying anything? And you told me when I when you were a teenager, Mom, that has to stop. It's creepy. The wink. The wink. She hated the wink. And I did it all the time to both my kids. My son probably just rolled his eyes at it, but she said, Mom, you look creepy when you do it now because we're too old for that. So yeah, I had to stop doing that. But it's just the little things. A wink, how hard is that to do, right? Unless you're not good at winking. Or I remember I used to do the laundry and I'd I'd hold I'd be running down to the laundry room because it the machine stopped or whatever. I would skip and I'd say, Oh, I'm just skipping to do the laundry, and the kids would skip behind me laughing. You see, I'm going to do a chore, but I was still interacting with the kids. That's connection. Connection always should outweigh correction. Without connection, the correction never works anyway. Okay. And I know most parents say, How on earth do I connect if all they're doing is rotten things all day long? I hear that all the time. You got to look for those moments, those specks of minuscule milliseconds where you can connect. You just have to. Because I've worked with hundreds of kids who were really challenging and they were I that I got really good at it. I thought, oh, I know. I got to find that millisecond when they're not acting out, that that's when I go in and say, Oh, what do you like? What PlayStation game do you like? Instantly they'd stop and then they'd start talking to me nicely. But you always connect in their world, not in your world. Don't say, oh, by the way, I had a really good coffee today. They're like, who cares? But if you ask them something about their themselves, they're more likely to connect, right?
SPEAKER_01And with these questions that I picked today, a lot of these parents are starting their calm leadership journey, which is why I wanted to discuss this topic because you just emphasize how important this is. But again, I want to bring it back as I understand when your kids are acting out, you want to focus on that discipline. Like that's where your brain is going, probably.
SPEAKER_00Okay, that's the pool story. If you haven't heard the pool story, check it out. Google uh Bratbuster's pool story. And it shows how you correct quickly and then you connect. Now, when I corrected that kid, it took maybe a minute because I had to get him out of the pool after I jumped in fully clothed. Um, I had to get him out of the pool. So maybe a minute, probably not more than that, because he was cooperative. By the way, I was on my own with six eight-year-old boys in the pool and I knew them all, so I knew I could handle it, right? So, and all I'm doing is counting heads because it's safety, right? So, but then the rest of the time, for that whole 10 minutes that he sat with me, all I'm doing is connecting. It now, a lot of parents want to discuss the bad behavior. They think the lecture is going to improve things. It does, it's a total disaster. Disaster. Let's discuss why you're rotten. That's all they hear. They they don't want to discuss it. They already know. I've already done the discipline, I've handed it out, now I'm connecting. Okay. Parents want to discuss the correction. Huge mistake. Do it, move on. You correct, then you connect. Connect, connecting it. It should always be way more important.
SPEAKER_01Okay, if you're looking at a day and let's say your child's really acting out, what percentage of your day is focused on that connection? What percentage is focused on the discipline?
SPEAKER_00Well, um, if he's acting out all day long, the second I hand out a consequence, he's screaming. The second he stops screaming, that's when I say, Hey, do you want to go do a you want to go play a game? That's connection. Even if he doesn't join in, I've still offered that. Okay, it's still connection. So you've got to look for those moments. And I know it can seem difficult, but I've challenged a lot of my clients on this. They say there's never a moment where there's not, he's not acting out. And I say, well, that's because you haven't learned how to connect enough yet. You got to jump in. Even if he's having a tantrum, you can even just look at your watch. He'll he'll clue into the fact you're waiting for that tantrum to finish. And then as soon as he does, then you're gonna connect. They want you to connect with them. So yeah, it it'll it'll work out eventually, but initially you have to really focus on looking for those moments. And they're gold. You gotta dive on them. I used to work with troubled teens. I have I used to tell, and I used I even used to tell them, I say, look, I've got to like you because that's how I operate. I mother kids when I worked with them. I said, I've got to find something to like. And right now you're just so repugnant. And they would laugh. And because I already had a reputation of being funny with the teenagers. And so they would laugh. And I thought, great, you got a sense of humor. I can work with that. So you see, even though they were being repugnant, I still use that as a moment to connect, which sounds ridiculous. But I wouldn't recommend you say that to your kids, by the way. This is teenagers I was working with. I was a mentor, I had a reputation of being funny and not taking any crap at the same time. But that's how I connected was I even use their bad behavior to connect, which
sounds crazy.
SPEAKER_01And you also talk about the fact that this is like any other skill. Like it's not something that you just learn overnight and you immediately just have it all figured out.
SPEAKER_00Well, is there anything that you can really learn overnight that you can just have it all figured out? I'm sure there is. I've never found anything like that. Anyway, um, yeah, it is a it is a skill, but I'll tell you something. I had this client a few years ago, and she gave me permission to discuss this. I've never had anyone like this before or since. She uh during each session, I think we have five sessions. So the first two sessions, she barely said a word. I had enough written information I could feed off of that she'd given me ahead of time. She was very organized. And she just kept looking down, and then she'd look at me, and then and I was talking the whole time. And because I'm not a therapist, it's I'm a coach, so we tell you what to do how to move forward, right? So I'm just talking, talking, because I knew what we had to work on. And then on the third session, she turned up and she just sort of relaxed and she stared at me. And I said, What's and I and the funny thing is I never challenged her on it, and I don't know why, but I just instinctively thought, I'll let this one go. I never asked her why she wasn't talking. And then in the third session, I said, So what's going on? The way she looked at me was different. And she goes, she showed me, she picked up a notebook. She'd written down, all she was doing was writing everything I said. She wrote down everything I said, and then she said, and I just did it and it's working. Wow. Like I've never had anyone, I wouldn't be like that. I've I want to talk about my feelings, how I'm struggling through it, which is what most of my clients do. She did none of that. She, I can't remember what she did for a living, and I probably wouldn't repeat that anyway, but it was a very analytic analytical job that she had. So kind of made sense. It was like a scientist or something like that. But anyway, isn't that interesting? She goes, I just wrote it all down and I thought just remove all emotion, like you said, when you're disciplining and connect. And she just did it. I thought that was fascinating. And it worked. She was getting great results, but that's very unusual. I don't operate like that. I need to discuss my feelings and cry a little bit and laugh a little bit, you know. I love a good cry. It's a process, right? So not with her. Nope. She just learned it and did it. Wow. So it works. She goes, Yeah, it just works. And I said, Yeah, but where's your your emotions aren't caught up in it? And she goes, No, I just chose to make the most of the money I've spent on you.
SPEAKER_01And she did. That's impressive though, because especially you talk about the fact that this relationship that you have with your child is unlike any other because it's so personal. They know you inside and out.
SPEAKER_00They do. Um to an extent. They do. Uh, but they don't have the wisdom to really figure it out yet. But they do know most of what you're gonna say and all that stuff. And when you start switching it up, they tend to look at you differently, like their head kind of turns to the side and they go, What's going on here? So things usually get worse before they get better, by the way. Because they're like, I remember the old you, you think you're turning into a leader right now? Wait till you see what I got up my sleeve. So they often get worse to challenge you to get more control like they had before, but you've just got to follow through. She went through all that too. It wasn't easy for her. She goes, it was difficult, but she goes, she chose, like she said, just to make the most of the money she'd spent on me and just do it. Thought, wow, that was amazing. I did something once like that years ago. It was after, I was about three years after you were born, and I'd put on a lot of weight. So anyway, I decided to go to Weight Watchers and I said, I want to lose this amount of weight in six months, and I did. And I don't think I've ever done anything that well in my life where I planned something out, followed through and did it. It's kind of like that. It's hard to do though, but I'd never I couldn't probably do it again. I don't know why I did. But anyway, um, so that's probably the only time I've ever had a plan um and followed through and actually did it without all the emotions and oh, don't get me wrong, it was hard. But I mean, you know, you know what I mean? Like it was just really unusual for me to do that. So I understand my clients. I understand why it's so hard to do, but it is doable. It it is, but yeah, it is tricky.
SPEAKER_01I think that's actually a really good point, is that I think depending on the person you are as well, it's going to be a really different experience for you because you and I are really different with things. Whereas like I I tend to really enjoy the structure of the plan. Like, if I have a plan, I am pretty, like I'm gonna get it done. But if things are a little bit more um where you have to like let go of control a little bit, or like things just like you you can't just like grit your way through it. I have a really hard time with that.
SPEAKER_00Okay, she's type A and very, very high functioning, uh, very organized. I'm type W. Um, I don't know what that means. But anyway, yeah, we're very, very different personalities, but we're very compatible, but we're very different personalities. So I would say most of my clients are more like me. Um, you're very controlled. Uh, she's very organized and um very analytical. Um, but yeah, you're she's very efficient.
SPEAKER_01Whereas I envision one day when I'm a mom is I would envision that I'll have a harder time just letting like living in the moment, the like little small things like finding my inner silly. Like I think that that will be actually a little bit more of my struggle.
SPEAKER_00Um, I don't think it'll be a struggle because I'm very goofy, very childlike, and she's handles me beautifully. So But I think just saying that like we all have different strengths. We all have different strengths for sure. But anyway, most most clients, most parents that I talk to are probably you probably could relate to them. Um, Liz, when I'm talking to you who's listening to the podcast, is our emotions do get in the way and they're our biggest challenge usually. Okay. So that woman was extremely unusual. And that's why I asked if I could share her story because I'd never met anyone like that before. It was very impressive, uh, but totally unrelatable because I'm not like that at all. I'm more like you. Okay. I struggle with a whole bunch of stuff in life. Parenting just came easy to me because I've been working with kids forever since I was 11. So I, you know, I was mentoring and babysitting when I was 11 and uh, or pardon me, volunteering in daycare centers. I wasn't mentoring them, but I was volunteering in daycare centers and I was also babysitting from 11 years old. So um, yeah, it parenting came easy to me, but most stuff doesn't, okay? So I can understand why parents struggle with this because you are basically changing your personality. The thing is, it's so worth it. You know, my goal for you is not that you have good kids, that's just a byproduct, okay? My goal for you is that you're a happy parent and a happy family and that you enjoy your kids. I want you to be happy. That's my goal for you, parents. I teach parenting. I want you to be happy parents, not just raise great kids. That will happen once you learn how to be a leader. Okay, they're not all perfect. No, nobody is. But you get the idea here. Your happiness is my goal. So, and I know how to get you there, but it's a rough road.
I think also the stress. I'm I'm sure if your kids are acting out, that is a huge stress bucket that's getting added to your life.
SPEAKER_00It gets easier once you know what to do about it. And that, you know, I'm providing answers here on how you handle their bad behavior. So once you have a solution to it, I know it's a bit of a slow burn, it doesn't happen overnight. But once I give you something to do, and that's all I'm doing here, I'm telling you how to handle the bad behavior, and it will lessen over time, okay? So that you can have less stress. This is the way to get there. A lot of parents just do that short-term gain for long-term pain. You know, they say, fine, just take it. If you get out of my hair, just take it. Boy, you are setting yourself up for pain down the road. I do short-term pain for long-term gain. Getting respect is really hard work, but maintaining it is a piece of cake and it's fun. Parenting was fun. I it was the most fun I ever had. It was the happiest, most fun time my whole life. Because I am very maternal by instinct. Okay, it's just my nature. And then I had these two little gorgeous children that I just got to wallow in and enjoy because I was already a leader from the time they were little. So I didn't even have to discipline. It was just easy, right? And that's what I want for you.
SPEAKER_01Okay, should we get into the parenting questions? Oh, are we not there yet? Oh, I feel like I've been talking forever. Okay, let's go.
Okay, the first one here is Marissa from the United States. I have a three-year-old and I'm trying to implement the behavior board. When she has a consequence, I'll sometimes have her sweep the floor within 15 minutes or media blackout if not accomplished. My question is if she doesn't finish the sweeping within 15 minutes, we go to the negative deprivation. Do I just finish the sweeping on the floor or finish out the consequence given? Do they see that as if they don't do the consequence, mom's just gonna do it anyway?
SPEAKER_00Well, the sweeping of the floor, it should be something that doesn't have to be done right in that moment, too. Like it, yeah, you can finish it, but she doesn't have to. Once that timer goes, just treat it like the sweeping of the floor has not you're finished with it now. Don't even think about it now. So the sweep, oh, okay, 15 minutes is up and you didn't finish the floor. So let's go to the board. See my tone, bit of a lilt in my voice. I'm all I'm cheery, right? Like it's not, it's not negative. Disciplining children shouldn't be negative. It should just be, okay, we're gonna do this. Okay, and then we'll move on. Okay. So yeah, let's go to the board. Now you're at the board. I don't care if she finishes. And so you don't have to do that anymore, sweetie. The timer already went. See how I'm using the sweetie and all, you know, be cheery, be positive, okay? Let's go to the board. She starts screaming. You still go to the board. Now you're reading out loud to yourself at the board. Now let me see. So she did broke the rule, then she didn't finish the sweeping within 15 minutes. See how it's not negative? You're not judging her for it. You're not disappointed, you're not angry, you're not frustrated. You're just following the plan, right? Then you say, okay, so then the 24-hour media blackout starts now. And then you say to her, Do you understand? You look at her in the eye and you nod your head when you say that. Do you understand? If she's screaming, just let her scream it out. As soon as she's finished, say, Oh, do you want to go read a book? You see, just follow through. The sweeping, it's it's a non-issue. Yeah, you can finish it up, but she doesn't have to. Don't make the sweeping the issue. Once that 15 minutes is up, I don't care if she's done it or not. I don't care who does it after that, but she doesn't have to.
SPEAKER_01Okay. I think that that was the main question is who does the sweeping?
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah, well, not her at all. No way. Once that 15 minutes is up, she's she's done. That's it.
SPEAKER_01I can actually see this uh confusion here because I think that in their head, they're like, okay, like are you still getting them to do the sweeping even though it's outside of the 15 minutes? Because technically, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_00The sweeping should be done. A chore, do a chore within 15 minutes of being asked to do so. Not do a chore full stop. It's within the 15 minutes. If it's not, then as soon as that 15 minutes is up, it stops. Whether she's finished or not, doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_01And then I think the bigger question here from the parent was that isn't that just teaching the child that if they don't do said thing, their parents just gonna come in and do it for them. They're overthinking it.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no. Don't even think she's not thinking like that. You are. She's not thinking like that. Trust me. All she's thinking about is that going to the board and media blackout. She has moved past the sweeping, I'm telling you, to do the same. She doesn't even think about it at that point.
Okay. The next one is Gurpreet from India. My child is a three and a half-year-old boy. He usually listens, but as soon as I correct him over something abruptly, he thinks I'm angry at him, and he himself gets angry and even hits sometimes and says things he knows I wouldn't like. I used to lose my temper on him until earlier, but then I learned it was not helping and he was only learning to replicate the behavior. Now I make sure not to lose my temper and be clear in what I have to say, and then stay away for a few minutes to avoid the hitting. But it feels like I'm not able to point out what he's doing bad when he's doing the bad behavior, even if I do so without losing my temper.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so you said the word abruptly. Like I'd slow things down. When I'm disciplining, I I talk slow and low. Okay. So you say, oh, okay, so you hit. So let's go to the board. You see, there's no rushing through it. It makes you look angry. When you go fast, it makes you look angry. Um, so just slow it down potentially. And then it's okay if he gets all upset. He's mad because he got caught. He's mad because he doesn't want a consequence. Let him process that. That's okay. But yeah, I think you're speeding it up too much. Sounds like there could be a little bit of anger in there too. Um, so yeah, he's picking up on that. But that's okay that he gets angry. Don't worry about that. Just check yourself, not him. We're always focused on ourselves here, not the kids. They will follow. You I always say you stay on that high road, they will join you. As soon as you start getting upset over them getting upset, now you're on the low road with them. Okay. You've got to keep your cool, keep your calm, stay completely in control of yourself, at least on the outside. But yeah, if you're you said the word abrupt, that that's what I it's all I heard in that whole question was the word abrupt. There's no way the word abrupt can sound anything but a little bit angry, you know, abrupt. It it is a it's sort of an angry way of stopping something abruptly. It's it's sort of aggressive. So yeah, um, I could be off on that. But yeah, slow it down, talk low. You could even say something like this. Oh, okay, I see you hit. Okay, let's go to the board. See how I just did that? It'll confuse him. He'll probably still be mad because he knows he's gonna get in trouble, but that's okay. Let him process that. That's okay.
SPEAKER_01I think you've talked about this before because when you just say, Oh, you just have to have this friendly demeanor and tone, it can feel like, okay, well, I don't feel that way, but you have said that it's okay to feel the anger within.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yes. And when I work, I would say my biggest challenge for sure with kids was the troubled teenagers. Some of them were really vile. And um, I'd never met people like that in my whole life. I mean, they were violent and vile and um at times, and um, you know, I've worked with a lot of them. And uh yeah, I learned how to how to not show my my disgust sometimes, my frustration, my disappointment, my I wanted to give up sometimes, but I knew that was never going to get me any results. I want and I was determined to figure it out. So, because I'm very maternal, I wanted to, I just wanted to figure it out. So I did. And I learned how to control myself. I learned how to never look angry, disappointed, or frustrated and to watch my tone. And it was hard. It was really hard. Um, but yeah, I learned how to, it's just something you have to master. That's it. You just have to master it. Doesn't mean you have to feel it, but you have to master not showing anger, frustration, or disappointment. And it was really hard. Now, I used to drive home hitting the steering wheel and swearing after working with those kids initially. Once I got their respect, it was easy, it was great. But getting their respect was really hard, really challenging. I'd never come up against anything like that in my life. And um, it was really challenging. I'd never been yelled at or anything. I'm not, I don't like confrontation, I don't like anger, I don't like that kind of stuff. So um, yeah, it was very challenging for me. And I think that's another reason I wanted to master it, is I figured I'd come out a better person. Like it was gonna teach me how to be a better person, basically, too. It was a real life skill that I had to really work on. So um, yeah, so I've gone through it. It just not with my own kids, but I've I've gone through it and I know how hard it is. Um, but yeah, I I learned. I learned, but it was hard.
SPEAKER_01When you talk about the fact that you've learned, was that through going through the reps and seeing how it, how the reaction was different if you looked angry from them versus not? Like how did you learn?
SPEAKER_00Well, I never did look angry because I'd already worked with so many kids. I just had never worked with teenagers before. So I already knew that it was just next level. So I already knew what I needed to do. I already figured all that out. I know you don't show anger, disappointment, or frustration. Um, because then you look out of control and you look judgmental and they feel bad about themselves and they're gonna get defensive, you know? So I thought, no, I'm never gonna show that. But I'd never, I'd never come up against anything so vile. And when I say I had to master up, it was so challenging is I wanted to quit. It was just a volunteer thing. I wanted to quit every time I did it in the first few weeks. I literally thought, what am I, why am I doing this to myself? And I never wanted to be a parent. I didn't know what a parenting coach was. It wasn't like I was trying to invest in my future career. I just thought I love kids and I wanted to figure this out. So yeah, I already had the skill. I'd just never been challenged like that. And the, you know, they were very good at it too. And they they would look for weaknesses in me and they, God, they could, they were freaking amazing. I don't know how they found out my weaknesses. But boy, they were good at it. You know, uh, it was just amazing. So yeah, they challenged me. And then once we got the mutual respect going, they didn't at all. It was amazing. I couldn't believe how well it worked, to be honest. I was shocked. I was more shocked than anyone. It was quite amazing. But that's why I'm, and they're the ones who said you got to teach this stuff, Lisa. So they told me. And we didn't know anything of it. There's no such thing as a parenting coach back in those days. So um, but anyway, there, yeah, it was, it was uh, it was a I look at it now like a gift, you know, because it's led me to where I am now with the business. Now you're in the business. But if I hadn't worked with those teenagers, I never would have taught this because I don't think you can teach parenting unless you've also mastered teenagers and you know what they need from you. So um, but yeah, I would never be where I am now if I hadn't done that. And it was all volunteer. It was hell, I'll be honest. Initially, it was awful. Um, but boy, oh boy, what a gift.
SPEAKER_01And I'm trying to think of how this could be actionable for the parents listening. Do you think that simply having that inner monologue of going, okay, it's going to make it so much worse if I show my anger? Like, do you think that having that in the back of your head was what helped you control your anger?
SPEAKER_00Actually, I feel terrible saying this. I mean, that I didn't say this earlier. The difference is they weren't my kids. It wasn't personal. Okay. Even though they touched on personal stuff, I don't even know how they could figure it out. But anyway, they weren't find my weaknesses.
SPEAKER_01They figured it out somehow.
SPEAKER_00They figured out everything. It was unbelievable. Um, but yeah, they weren't, it wasn't personal. They weren't my kids. So it is different. It's just as hard for you as it was for me. But I only had them for maybe a couple hours, you know, maybe three or four hours a week. I mean, you know, and you've got your kids all the time. So that was nothing compared to what you're going through, but it was the same thing. It just wasn't as intense as imp as personal and it didn't last as long. But yeah, it was so I understand it. I just did mine wasn't as intense. I want to make that very clear. They're your kids and you take it so personally. But I always say to parents too, that when your kids are acting out, you want to take the blame because when they're really good, then you can take the credit too. So you always want to look at their bad behavior as your fault. And that's one thing I did. When I was working with kids and even with those teenagers, I always thought to myself, what when they acted out, I thought, what am I missing? What am I doing wrong? I never blame them. Okay. I just didn't. I thought, what am I missing here? I'm gonna figure this out. I'm gonna master this. I was determined and it was really hard. Um, but yeah, so it is it is harder for you. I do believe that, to be honest. Mine was, I didn't have to do it either. There was no pressure on me aside from what I put on myself. Okay. So yeah, it is harder for parents for sure. But you know, I've been there just in a different intensity. Um, so yeah, it it is hard work though. And I have nothing but compassion for these parents. And I hate it when a parent says to me, this is embarrassing to tell you. Do not be embarrassed to tell me anything. I've heard it all. I'm never gonna judge you. I am here to support you and help you and guide you along the way. That's it. But yeah, there is no judgment here at all. At all. I know what you're going through. I know how hard it is. I've never been hired by a bad parent either. I don't think bad parents would ever even listen to this. So yeah, you're a good parent. You just don't have all the skills yet. That's all. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Went on a little bit of a little side tangent there.
SPEAKER_00I go on rants and tangents all the time. Okay, but get back to your question about knowing, you know, where you're going. It's like I'm giving you a map and the destination, I can't guarantee the destination, but if someone gave you a map and said it's gonna be a really rough drive, but when you get there, it's gonna be an oasis. Would you be able to do it? It's kind of like that. That's what I can't promise you that. I can't say there's no guarantees with human beings, but look at it that way. It's a really rough road driving there, but when you get there, it's an oasis. That's how you want to drive yourself to do the right thing with all this stuff. Because when you get there, it's so worth it. Maintaining leadership is nothing like this. It's nothing like this at all, okay? It's not like dieting where you lose the weight and then it's all over. You can eat whatever you want. It's not like that. This is what maintaining it is a piece of cake because everyone's happy. They don't even challenge you anymore. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Okay, the next one is Yasmin from Australia. What does a realistic day in life with a two-year-old look like for you? How would you structure the
day so that you can have the mandatory day-to-day chores done and give your toddler the attention they crave? My toddler's 27 months and is exhausting me physically and emotionally. She constantly demands my attention and requires me to sit with her every second of the day. I've tried setting up routines so she knows that mommy needs to do a job and when I'm free to play. For example, straight after breakfast, every morning I tell her I'm cleaning up the kitchen and then I'll come play. She continues to shout, come on, mommy, or come and play the entire time I'm trying to clean up the kitchen after breakfast or put a load of washing on, etc.
SPEAKER_00Okay, she doesn't care that you have to do the dishes or do the laundry. You're expecting her to understand that. What I here's what I do have baskets, different activity baskets. And you do structure meal time, um, morning routine, you structure, you get up, you get dressed, all that. You structure snack time, whatever. You could actually have timers that go off. You can certain things you can structure and others you don't want to. But bring out baskets, activity baskets. Say, okay, now it's play-doh time, get that all out. And also they don't care if it's expensive or that exciting, even. They like anything different, okay? So you can give her, if it's play-doh, hold back some of the play-doh stuff. So you have different play-doh baskets. So play-doh time, she's got a different color this day, different toys. She's got a rolling pin that looks different. Um, so you can have split up all of her toys so that when you pull out something, it is different, okay? It doesn't have to be new, but it they like they do like new too, but it's new to them. If they haven't seen something for a whole month, let's say, if you're rotate doing the toy rotation system, it is new to them because they're a whole month more mature. And at that age, boy, they change every single week. Okay. So yeah, just have activities, pull it out and then say, and then get her started. Say, we're gonna do this, and then say, okay, I'm gonna go do the laundry now. Don't expect her to understand that, but you're announcing that you're gonna be leaving, and that's okay. If she starts call us uh calling out for you, then I would just ignore it. Just ignore it. Let her call out for you. You've given her something different. The chances are, if she's looking at something different every single day because you're rotating stuff around, chances are she's not gonna call out as much, okay? Plus, I used to do that with my kids. I would sit down and start playing with them when they were really little. I would start playing with them and then I would tell them, I'm gonna go do the dishes. I didn't say I'm leaving, but they just said what I'm gonna be doing. Oh, I'm gonna be doing the dishes because they get they don't like the word leaving. Oh, mommy's leaving now. I just say, I'm gonna go do the dishes, and then I do the dishes, and then next thing you know, I'm reading a book while they're playing with play doh's. That's how you're marketing it. I was marketing, yes, I was very good at it. And try funny thing is, I'm not now, you're the marketer. But anyway, yeah, I was selling it, right? I was like, wow, look at this. And I was very good at rotating toys around. And even like it was like toilet uh toilet rolls. I used to tape those together and make tunnels for things to go fly through. Kids love stuff like that. I would literally tape up one end, I did this over and over and over again throughout the years. I would tape one end of the toilet rolls that were all taped together. I would tape one end up to the dining room table and they would shoot stuff down this long tunnel and they could move it around so it would end up in different spots. They would play with that for hours. Another thing I did uh is I would put a big table, a big blanket or something over the dining room table or the coffee table, depending on how old or how little they were. And then I would say, Oh, that's a fort, and I'd put pillows and books and a little uh flashlight there. In Australia, where I raised my kids, it's called a torch. I remember the first time I heard, oh, do you just give the kids a torch? To me, I'm thinking like a desert island with a big flame. So anyway, it's called a fly a torch over there as a flashlight. So I would literally just give them a flash say kids say flashlight, little pillows and books, and I'd say, Oh, and grown-ups aren't allowed in there. So mummy's not allowed in there. And they go, okay, go away, mummy. And I'm like, yippee, and then I'd go do watch TV or something. So yeah, it was great, but you got to be doing different stuff, have activities for them, pull out different activity baskets, set up something different for them. They don't want to look at the same thing every day. Now remember, the reason is that's the discovery age. The toddlers are the discovery age, which means they like to discover things. They can't discover the same thing day after day after day.
SPEAKER_01There was a little uh extra part of that question. It says, I've tried putting toys in the kitchen for her to play with while I'm washing up, but she doesn't want to do anything unless I'm sitting on the floor right next to her. If I remind her I'm right there and doing a good job, she continues to tell me to sit down next to her. Would the same advice still apply?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you're just she she's she's completely controlling you. Just say no. Just say no. Let her scream, let her have a fit. That's okay. She, because you said she just keeps wanting me to play. So what? You can't play with her all day long. So what if she wants that? You're managing, you meet their needs, but you manage their wants. She wants you to play with her all day long. That's not re that's ridiculous. You got other stuff to do, right? So yeah, don't worry about it if she if she wants you with her all the time. That's okay. She can learn that she can't have you with her all the time. She can play at your feet if she wants to be nearby so she's safe. It's not a safety thing, it's a control thing, by the way. She's controlling you.
SPEAKER_01Okay, the next one is Simmy from the United Kingdom. I want to start using the behavior board for my strong-willed three-year-old boy, but I'm stuck with what to
use for the first positive action, as a lot of the examples you use are chores. So, for example, clean up or hoover or load the washing machine, etc. He actually enjoys doing so, and I'm worried that he won't understand the effect of a positive action or that it just won't be effective. I'm sure that there will be days he says no and that I will have to go to the second consequence, but what would you advise for the first action?
SPEAKER_00Well, you're doing it right. Like it does, they don't have to hate it. Okay. But uh, what else did she say? Oh, don't give them a duster or a spray bottle with water in it. Those are two things that parents have said, well, they love doing chores. I say, Well, what chores are you having them do? Well, one day I gave them a duster. Well, of course they're gonna want to dust. I mean, who doesn't like a dust? Like every little kid likes a duster that they can float around the house with. And then the other one was, oh, and then the next day I gave them a spray bottle with water in it and a rag. Well, of course they're gonna like doing that. Those are two things I would avoid. But they don't usually like, give them a wet rag, and they don't usually like cleaning out the tracks in the um shower stall with if it has like door tracks, or it could be window tracks um or sliding door tracks. You know, the bottom they get really mucky. You can just have them wipe that out. They don't usually like doing that. Another one they don't usually like doing is cleaning the top of baseboards, again, with just a wet rag. And the other one is what's oh yeah, cleaning out uh hardened toothpaste from a bathroom sink. Very few kids enjoy those. Now, they don't have to hate it. It's just, and don't think of it as a horrible, awful chore. Think of it this way. It's a good deed. Okay? If they do something bad, you replace it with something good. You want to replace a negative with a positive. If they choose not to do the positive, then you do a negative. That's the second deprivation consequence, right? So yeah, he doesn't have to hate it, but don't give him stuff that he absolutely loves either.
SPEAKER_01Okay, before I get into the next question, if you have kids around, you'll understand why in a second, but maybe just don't have them listen
to this one. Jennifer from the United States. I'm still working on my leadership, but in the meantime, occasionally my daughter will say things like, when she's upset, that she wishes I wasn't her mom. I know she doesn't mean it, and I take your approach and just say whatever. My question is about an hour or so later, this was at bedtime and we already did our connection. She was in bed, she came downstairs and was upset because she was mean to me and thought Santa wouldn't bring her presence. It's May right now. I told her Santa knows she's a good person that made a mistake, but I'm wondering, should I have told her it is my job to be a better leader, or would that confuse her too much?
SPEAKER_00Okay, well, there was no age there, so I'm just gonna set the age at five, okay? Um, okay, so now she said, I wish you weren't my mom, and then you said whatever, that's okay. Now she's not upset that she said that to you. She's upset that she might not get a present. That's what she's upset about. It's all self, self about her, right? So yeah, just say, Oh, I'm I'm worried they won't get a present. Well, you know, if you said something mean to me, you know, lots of kids do that. I don't think Santa's gonna worry too much about that. Brush it off. Do not just not get into it. I don't get into discussing bad behavior. Just say, yeah, yeah, lots of kids say nasty things and Santa can forgive them. But and then she keeps going on, say, that's enough, go back to bed. Also, why is she getting out of bed? I don't understand that either. She shouldn't be getting out of bed. I almost wonder if she's getting out of bed and then just using that as an excuse to get out of bed. That's my gut reaction. If she's five, I'm thinking that's what she's doing. Um, so yeah, I don't know why she's getting out of bed. So yeah, she uh so she says rotten things to you, you you did the right thing, just go whatever. And then she gets out of bed, which she shouldn't be doing, and then she says that she's worried she won't get something because of what she did. Say, well, you know, I don't think Santa's worried, but brush it off. I don't think Santa's worried about that. Lots of kids say mean things, lots of people do, you know, wouldn't worry. And then if she keeps going, say, back to bed. Do not get into that conversation. She's trying to discuss it. She wants you to absolve her of any guilt, but don't do it. Let her sit in it. She's sitting in it. Now she's mad because she might not get a gift. That's okay. Let her sit in that. That's okay. You say back to bed, off you go. I don't think Santa's too worried. Off you go. See how I'm brushing it off? Mom mom wants to make her feel better. Don't let her sit in it.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we have one final question. So Angela from the United States, my son's two years old. I've implemented several of your techniques and have seen a
lot of improvement in his behavior. However, I've noticed that what he is doing, something he knows is against the rules. He doesn't when I'm nursing the baby and can't get to him immediately. What do you suggest when they're doing something, but you can't get to them in the moment and they're too young for the behavior chart? Also, what do we do when we can't remove an item from the room, but I'm busy nursing or attending to the baby and can't stop him from continuing the behavior because my hands are full.
SPEAKER_00That's kind of a tricky one. I might do it after you're finished feeding. I might say, oh, you don't do that. Mommy will come after you later or something like that, whatever. And then you go over to him and say, okay, you did that, now take it away. Just do it later. It has to be delayed. I don't like that kind of stuff because I hate compromise because I'm a black and white person. Like everything's, you know, black and white to me. Um, but yeah, you're gonna have to compromise that and just say, okay, so because you did that, here I'm gonna take that away. You know, you're just gonna have to do it that way. But it's not great, but sometimes you get a compromise because you got a baby, right? So changes things. Hands are pretty full, baby and a toddler. Well, that's my least favorite client in coaching. And they always, whenever they hire me now, they know they say, I'm your least favorite client. I've got a newborn and a toddler. The reason is it's so physically demanding, and I do have to compromise a lot, okay? For uh for a few different reasons. Sometimes the mom has has postpartum, you know, she's going through it. Um, uh, for that's one of the reasons, or she's just absolutely um, you know, physically drained, or she might not be feeling very well either. So um, yeah, there's a whole bunch of different reasons. But yeah, it's my least favorite client because I feel like I'm the least effective, which is why it's not the client's fault. It's that I have to compromise, and I don't like doing that. But yeah, there, you got to compromise. You got a baby and a toddler. Okay, well, that was it for the parenting questions. Okay, I cannot stress enough the importance of connection. It is your superpower. They love fun as their love language. It's not about it's not about praise.
Praise is okay, but it's not their love language. Okay. Being told they're wonderful, it's okay, but they don't really care about it. When you play with them, that's what they care about. Or even if wink at them across the room like I used to do when they were younger, they thought that was great. Um, or just sing a song, or skip when you go down to the laundry room like I used to do. And they'd skip after me, giggling. That was connection. They knew I was doing that for them. Uh, well, little did they know I did it when they weren't home, too. No, okay, I didn't. But anyway, you get the idea. Connection doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out, three-hour Lego fest, okay? It can literally just be across the room singing um, you know, old McDonald's or something. It can be the little things, the wink, the playing I spy in the car, um, doing the never-ending story at the dinner table, where one person starts it, then the next person finishes, and the next person finishes, you know, you keep going on. So it's the little things. You know, you don't have to have all this free time that parents seem to think you need. You just don't. Okay, so thanks so much for joining us. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
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