Chat in the car, chat at the dinner table. While you're sitting in the stands with one kid, the other kids playing something, chat with them. It happens like that.
SPEAKER_00It happens in little snippets here and there. My daughter's 10 and has developed a lot of people-pleasing behaviors, especially when it comes to her dad.
SPEAKER_01She feels she has to accomplish something or be something before she gets approval or before she gets the attention that she wants. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_00And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, Sugar Lump, what are we talking about today? Today's topic is why won't my children open up to me? Okay. When do you usually hear parents asking this? Like what age for children?
SPEAKER_01You know what's funny is I rarely hear this. Parents are so bad, they hire me to stop the bad behavior, usually. Um, usually. Uh that is the biggest driver of coaching when I'm talking to parents. And uh, but yeah, they don't usually say, why won't my kids open up? Isn't that interesting? They don't usually ask that. That's fascinating.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, okay. But I am sure that it is something because I see it online. Like this is a topic that does come up.
SPEAKER_01Well, if it would, it would be in the teen years. Yeah, for sure. It'd be in the teen years. Um, so okay, very good. So now we're gonna be talking about older kids in this podcast, then, because that's usually when it happens. And I got a lot to say about teenagers. They're my favorite age. So do we want to sort of focus more on like maybe nine and up, nine being a tween, nine to twelve being a tween or a preteen?
SPEAKER_00Let's start. And again, you can focus on whatever age you feel is appropriate for
this, but I think that this often comes up when possibly some kids tend to not want to stir the pot. They don't want to rock the boat, and so they tend to keep their own feelings a little bit more hidden. How do you approach parenting a child like that?
SPEAKER_01Okay, they don't want to rock the boat. Don't see that happening a lot either, because kids are very self-absorbed and they don't think much about the boat. They're thinking about the dinghy, which is them. Like what I mean is they're not worried about the bigger picture usually. They're just thinking about themselves. And they often don't want to open up because of the parent's reaction. Um, usually you're gonna overreact. They don't like that. So if they've got something serious to tell you, uh, they're gonna keep not they don't want to, it's not that they don't want to rock the boat, it's that they just don't want you to go, oh my God. So by rock the boat, I got the impression you meant family dynamic. I was right.
SPEAKER_00I I think, and while of course, I'm not a parenting coach, I'm not a parent, I do hear this online, is people said that this is how they felt in their childhood. They felt like they couldn't speak their mind. They felt like they didn't have the opportunity to open up to their parents either out of judgment or because there was just so much else going on.
SPEAKER_01Well, or else they didn't feel that they were gonna get what they wanted anyway. Like the parents were gonna listen to them. They probably had the old-fashioned authority style parent, which is more my way or the highway, and you didn't have a say. So, what's the point in saying anything if what you say doesn't matter anyway? I think that's more what I'm thinking, right? Yeah. Okay, that's why it's so important to be a leader because you lead by example. You lead by showing them that you're accountable. So every single action has a reaction, good or bad. That's the way I train my kids. So I used to say to them, if you're good, life is good. If you're bad, life ain't so good. I'll make sure of it because I'm your mom. That's my job. So, but I also, if I was in trouble, I got a punishment too, right? I got consequences too. But it wasn't the end of the world. It wasn't like, oh my God, I'm a horrible person. It's just, yeah, I messed up. We all mess up. That's okay. That opened up the door for my kids to tell me everything because I was so human. I was so not perfect. I was very consistent, I was a very calm leader, but I was so into showing them that I make mistakes too. I think that's a huge lesson that a lot of parents try to avoid. They want to look like they're perfect. And that's the old days. The parents tend tended to try and look like they didn't make mistakes. They wanted to look like they knew everything. Because I remember parents used to ask me years and years ago. They used to say, Well, what do I say when my kids ask something and I don't know the answer? You say, I don't know. Parents didn't want to say that. Isn't that interesting? Whereas I would go, I don't know, let's figure it out together. My mom was like that too, by the way. If I asked her something and she didn't know, she goes, I don't know, I don't have a clue. Let's try and figure it out. So we would. Well, we wouldn't always figure it out, but we'd try and work on it together. I always felt like I was a team.
SPEAKER_00It's that idea that you're not you're problem solving together.
SPEAKER_01Together. And I like I said, I want to go on about that team a little bit more. At a team, you kind of feel like you have a say. I never felt like it was just my way of the highway with my parents, and I certainly didn't want my kids to feel that way. Um, I wanted them to think that we were a team, and we all make mistakes, and that's okay. We're okay making mistakes too. That's all right.
SPEAKER_00Do you find also just on the idea of maybe not wanting to open up, could it be that there is often an overreaction by the parent?
SPEAKER_01Exactly. So they worry if they do tell you what they're, especially with teenagers, because they might start telling you stuff about their personal life, if you know what I mean. They might start telling you stuff that might curl your hair, but you got to go, oh, okay, okay. So, you know, and you just don't react. You can go in your room later and scream into a pillow, but when they're telling you stuff, just stay completely calm. You listen to understand and show empathy. You don't listen to gather information to lecture with and you don't overreact or else they're gonna stop talking to you.
SPEAKER_00That must be hard as a parent, though.
SPEAKER_01It's very difficult. I remember, yeah, I remember going in my room a few times going, whoops, whoa, that was something. And I remember my mom telling me that too, because I I would tell her everything. And I remember she said years later, she goes, Yep, I'd go into my room and scream into a pillow, but I wouldn't let you see that. Blessing and a curse when your kids tell you everything. Yeah, that's exactly right. It's a blessing and a curse.
And then what about the scenario? Let's say your kids get in the car after school and you go, How was your day? And they just say, Fine.
SPEAKER_01No, they don't even say that. No, what you say is you say, What'd you do today? Nothing. That's usually what happens. What'd you do today? Nothing. But then throughout the day, they they tend to start telling you stuff. Like it'll just comes out organically. They just finish the day. They don't want to rehash it the second they get in the car, okay? Unless something really exciting happened. But if nothing happened, just say, Oh, okay, and then just start talking. Stuff comes out organically. Don't pressure them. Don't have the big talks. I'm using quotes here, finger quotes. Don't have the big talks. You just start chatting and then bring out little tidbits here and there, and they'll start opening up, but they don't like the big talks. Do you find that it feels like accusatory or just like puts them on the spot? It's pressure. Yeah, don't do that. Just let it come out organically. And they'll tell you. They will end up telling you everything if you're a calm leader. They just will. I told my mom everything. You told me everything.
SPEAKER_00But I think that that's, I mean, there's a couple places to go with that. I think let's keep on the topic of it will come out organically, but you talk so much about the importance of connection. I would assume if you're not connecting with your kids a lot, that it probably wouldn't come out organically.
SPEAKER_01Well, this is I'm talking from a leadership perspective. If you're not a leader, they'll probably never tell you anything. So you want to work on your leadership skills, which is all about giving respect to get it. That's why you want to set down the behavior board when they're three and above. And it's you're on it too. If you're not accountable, you're not a leader. You're just a dictator, the old-fashioned authority. We do not want that. Okay. And the newfangled pleaser parent style where you're trying to please them. Oh, I want everything to be fun. Chores, everything. I want everything to be fun. You're not setting them up for a realistic life. They're going to end up in a job one day. Well, that's not fun. I don't want to do it. You know, you want them to learn how to do the hard stuff too. Um, so yeah, you want to be a leader. A leader inspires. A leader doesn't um build fear or resentment, or they won't rebel against a leader either because they can't. There's nothing to rebel against. You're working with them, not
against them.
SPEAKER_00And if you're saying it comes out organically, what if you are picking them up from school, then running off to sports, like you don't have a lot of time with your children? How are you making that time?
SPEAKER_01You don't need a lot of time. People think you do. You don't. You're in the car, chat in the car. Don't don't just turn on the radio. You know, you can might, or you can turn it on, but don't turn on something that's going to be, you know, like maybe a podcast or something. Chat in the car, chat at the dinner table. While you're sitting in the stands with one kid, the other kid's playing something, chat with them. It happens like that. It happens in little snippets here and here and there. Like I said, they don't like the big therapy session stuff. Kids don't tend to operate that way. As they get older, they're more likely to. But when they're younger, they just like little snippets here and there. They don't want the pressure of having to open up, but they will open up if it's not treated like a ooh, big deal. You know, don't treat it like a big deal. Treat it like it's day. I just, it's funny because people used to say, well, how come your kids tell you everything? When do you discuss this stuff with them? And I said, Well, I don't know, in the car this morning it came up. Um, yeah, I was cooking dinner the other night and stuff came up. Like it just happened incidentally.
SPEAKER_00How weekly scheduled bring stuff up to mom hours.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we didn't have stuff like that. It wasn't, or was it? You I don't remember ever having anything like that.
SPEAKER_00No, but I do remember, and maybe I fall more into the category of I don't open up as easily about things in general. And so with me, I feel like you gave me the space that I needed, whereas another child might not need that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, she did need space to process stuff before she talked about it. So and I learned that when she was quite young, I started figuring that out. I didn't like it because I like to talk about everything right away. But she needed time to, she's still like that. So she needs time to process it first because she needs time, she's not super in touch with her own feelings, she has to work them out first. Is that correct? That felt a little she didn't she isn't in touch with herself. No, but you're a very um pedantic, reasonable person. So she doesn't just fly off the handle emotionally, she processes it intellectually too. I need to reason things out. Yeah, you need to reason things out, whereas I don't. I feel this way. I just my feelings are right. I just explode right away with all my feelings. You don't. You like to reason it out and think, is this reasonable? Is this not real? Yeah, you're much more sort of calmer than I am at a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00But I think there's pros and cons to both, and I think it's just respecting that your children are going to be different.
SPEAKER_01They are all going to be different. Some of them will open up right away, like I did, and some are more, you know, prone to thinking before they talk. You have more of a filter. I don't. So it's just different personalities. Um, and we're all we're allowed to be different. Okay. It's not that she was hiding anything. She just sort of had to think it through first before she expressed it. You're still like that, though.
SPEAKER_00I will say she's talking about it like it's something that she's like, I have completely accepted this. I don't think you've still accepted this about me.
SPEAKER_01Um, okay, that's the truth. I wish she'd just tell me right away because I always know when something's bugging her. I can always tell. I think she knows I can tell, but I know I'm not gonna hear about it for a while.
SPEAKER_00I know you know that I know that.
SPEAKER_01I know you know that I know that you know, but yeah, but it's like that. So I think, okay, I'm not gonna say what's bothering you because I know that doesn't work. So I just let it go and I wait until and then she'll say, by the way, something's bothering me. And then I what do I usually say? I know. Yeah, I knew it. I knew it. You can't get it past me. Yeah, you think you can fool me, you got another thing coming.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so it's just about respecting that they're all different and total respect.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they are all different, but yeah, if they're not opening up, you gotta look at yourself, not at them. Okay. She she did eventually open up. But when I say it took a while, it wasn't like a week, it was usually like maybe an hour. It wasn't, it was pretty quick.
SPEAKER_00I need to clarify as well. I still I can't help but tell my mom everything. I just need to process it myself first.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but I always know something's brewing, so I'm just sitting there. Sometimes I'll just look at her and she knows what I'm thinking. But anyway, okay, so they all are, they are all different, but as they get older, it gets harder for them to open up because their problems or what they're gonna talk about is more likely to upset you. Teenage stuff, you know, when they're starting to get boyfriends and girlfriends, they don't know how much to tell you at that point. So that's when you want to really get good at listening to show uh uh understanding and empathy, not gathering information to lecture with, don't look shocked, don't look judgmental, don't look disappointed, nothing. You just keep that to yourself and just go, yeah, okay, so okay, that that's that's interesting. Yeah, okay. So yeah, you just got to get really good at listening and not lecturing at all. They'll shut you out if you start lecturing.
SPEAKER_00Okay, should we get into the questions? Oh, okay. The
first one is Sam from Canada. My daughter's 10 and has developed a lot of people-pleasing behaviors, especially when it comes to her dad. Although she does it with me too sometimes when she's trying to get attention away from her younger brother. I've been noticing that increasing over the past years, but can't seem to get her dad on board. He sees that her trying to please us is a good thing. And while I agree in some cases, I know for a fact that she's hiding certain negative emotions and that she's feeling and pretending that everything's great all the time. How can I help her with that?
SPEAKER_01Well, do you talk a lot about your own flaws and insecurities? Like, I I certainly I like well, I like self-deprecating deprecating humor. I just think it's really it it opens other people up. It makes you look more vulnerable and approachable. And I think maybe she doesn't feel safe to do that. Do you guys set yourself up maybe as a little bit not not perfect, but do you talk about your own mistakes that you made and laugh at them, which is okay to do? Uh when I'm not talking about huge stuff, I'm talking about little stuff. But yeah, make being vulnerable and imperfect human. Make it make it acceptable, make it almost the goal to be imperfect and human and funny. And um, but yeah, if you're setting yourself up to be a little bit more like, and also don't just congratulate her when she succeeds at something. Maybe she feels that she has to accomplish something before she impresses you. You know, like maybe if she just look impressed just because you have fun with her. So I'm starting to um, I'm just getting a picture here that she feels she has to accomplish something or be something before she gets approval or before she gets the attention that she wants. Look at the attention that you give her when she does do something that you really like compared to when she doesn't put an effort in. Is there a difference there?
SPEAKER_00Like maybe it has to be earned?
SPEAKER_01Maybe. Yeah. That that was the feeling I got from that question, but I could be off on that one. Um, because I'm not sure about that one. But because you said, especially with dad. What you know what that says to me? It's not her basic nature, it's something that's been taught to her, and especially with dad. She likes the attention she gets when he when she pleases him. What about if she doesn't please him? Does she still get attention? So that's what I'm wondering.
SPEAKER_00How do you navigate that if the dad doesn't think that that's a bad thing?
SPEAKER_01Well, you have to figure it out. I I don't know. You'd have to literally figure out what the relationship is. And what's the difference? Like, is she like when she I because I don't know how she's trying to please? That's the thing. I don't have a lot of context around this question. How is she actually trying to please? Does she accompl like she's 10? So what is she doing to try and please? Does she clean the house? Does she get really good grades and look, you know, look for approval when she does? I don't quite know what what you mean by pleasing, but it says to me that yeah, her the attention she gets is potentially or the positive attention she gets is potentially conditional. Whereas I know with my own kids, they they just had to come into the room and I thought they were great. You know, they got lots of attention no matter what they were doing. So I think that's important.
SPEAKER_00I wonder if because at the end of the question it says that she's hiding negative emotions or the mom believes that she is and that she's pretending like everything's great all the time. So let's say the scenario is younger brother comes in and is really annoying her and she goes, that's okay, don't worry about it. And like maybe it's something that she would actually be upset about.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but I don't know the context. Why is like I said, I think that it's more is she just does she feel like she has to be something to be loved? That that's the kind I I really think there's something in there about that. Does she feel that not so much the love, but the attention is conditional on how she presents herself? I I can't I can't I have to have a general answer because I don't have a specific question on a specific thing she does to try and be a pleaser. Does that make sense? Could you make up one? Um, okay, well, let's say it's that she uh well okay, it could be in sports, let's say. So she does really she tries really, really hard in sports, and that's the only thing that really gets dad excited or mom excited. But oh my god, you got a goal. Oh my god. What about when she gets up in the morning? Oh my god, you know, you don't have to fuss over it so much, but maybe she doesn't get as much attention as she's if she's not accomplishing the goals. So maybe the you see what I'm saying? Like, I remember years and years ago, we were having a uh I hadn't seen my son in a couple of weeks, and he was young, and um, it was a big family dinner. 30 people were arriving for dinner, and great, you know, you see everyone, you're happy about it. And I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. He walked in the room and I swear it was the weirdest thing. It was like there was an aura around him. He I zeroed in on him. That was my boy, that was my son. I hadn't seen him in a couple, which back then was a big deal because he was like, you know, 20 or something. And uh so because you see him more often when they're younger, usually. And I remember that. He just all he had to do was walk in the room. Same with you. All you have to do is walk in the room and you get that look from me. Okay. So I'm wondering if she doesn't get enough of that.
SPEAKER_00What would be your response if someone feels like that creates entitlement with children?
SPEAKER_01Well, entitlement, love, love doesn't build entitlement, spoiling them does. This is love I'm talking about, not spoiling.
SPEAKER_00And you do talk about the fact that that unconditional love, you aren't raising kids to expect that from everyone.
SPEAKER_01No, of course not. I used to tell my kids, you know, I think you're wonderful, you're special, you're just the best kids in the whole world, but no one else thinks that way. Just your parents, right? So yeah, don't go out in the world. You gotta earn your way out in the world, but at home, never. You walk in the door, you are treasured.
SPEAKER_00I'll censor myself, but the sun don't shine out of your your butt for other people.
SPEAKER_01But they did at home. And that's how I felt with my parents too. I remember walking in the door and I just remember them, they lighted up. Made me feel good. I didn't, I wasn't a pleaser because I knew I was already pleasing them just by breathing. But, you know, there's discipline too. It's not like everything you do is perfect, but still, just this the sight of you, just you can see the difference in your parents. Um, if you if you just walk in the room, you just see it. Except when I didn't open up to you right away, then you know it just like, come on, get it out, come on. Yeah, yeah. That that was frustrating for me because I don't have any patience and I don't have a filter. So I couldn't understand why she couldn't just come out with stuff.
SPEAKER_00So the dynamic, as you can envision, didn't didn't bode well, but you you don't have the patience or a filter, so it came out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she did eventually tell me stuff and I knew she would. Um, but yeah, I think it it sounds to me like the love is conditional or it appears that way to her.
SPEAKER_00Okay, we'll get into the next question. Rachel from the United States. I'm a mother of five. My oldest is 13 and breaks things on purpose.
How do we deal with that? I used to be a very reactive parent, so I know the behavior stems from me not being a leader. I'm working on it every day and I'm happy I found you.
SPEAKER_01Okay, well, I don't know what your relationship is like, but with teenagers, I always work on the connection with the parents before I deal with anything else. If they're 13 and breaking things on purpose, that could be instead of hitting you or instead of swearing at you or instead of running away or instead of doing drugs. I don't know. But the anger is coming out in some way or resentment. So I don't know your relationship. Work on your relationship with your teenager, bond with them in their world, never in your world. You always connect with them on with something that brings them joy. So you let's say that they love doing video games. You just you find out what video games they like, learn more about it, sit down, ask to play with them if they're open to that. If not, just sit beside them and wait till you're invited, or just show an interest. So you want to connect with them. And then they are the more connected, the closer you are to your teenagers. They're not gonna do stuff like that. That's a sign that your relationship isn't strong. That's all that says to me.
SPEAKER_00What are other ways that you would go about approaching connection with a teenager?
SPEAKER_01It's always whatever they're interested in, and it's not necessarily what they're good at. Parents make this mistake all the time. Well, they're phenomenal at piano or whatever it is, and they might hate it. So parents will try and connect over what they're good at. Don't do that. You connect, they may be good at what they also brings them joy, but they may not be. Connect over what brings them joy. Like if they had free time, what would they do with it? Okay, that's the thing that you want to go and connect with. If they love drawing, show an interest in their drawings. Um, or maybe look for artists that you think they might like or something like that. So try and offer them some information or you know, on whatever they're interested in. Um, I remember when I used to work with teenagers, I had zero connection with them because they're completely different for me. They weren't my kids or anything. So I used to ask them, what's your favorite song? And or what's your favorite band? And then they'd tell me, then I'd go home and listen to that band and I might learn the verse. And then the next time I worked with them while we were just working, I might quietly under my breath just start singing the verse. They were stunned. And then they said, How did you know that? And I said, Well, you told me you like that band, so I learned that verse. They were really flattered by that, made them feel great. These were delinquent teens, by the way. They didn't feel good about themselves hardly ever. In that moment, they felt great about themselves. Someone took the time to show an interest in what brought them joy and validated it. Say, you don't have to love school, you don't have to love chores and all that stuff, you know, but you can just love a amus love music and I can connect with you that way. Like I don't I don't want to make my connection conditional in any way. Uh what I mean is I'm gonna connect with you regardless of what you're doing. Like, because all these kids I worked with, uh, they were trouble, right? So I didn't want to make my connection with them dependent upon them not or being good or not being bad. I wanted to make it just on because who they were. And I know one of them said to me uh once, um, I didn't like myself till I met you, Lisa. Now that's connection, right? You want them to feel good about themselves when they're with you. When they're trying to please you, they don't feel good about themselves. They're trying to feel good about themselves.
SPEAKER_00You know what I really appreciated as well is because I felt like you didn't sugarcoat things in the sense of you were showing a genuine interest in our interest growing up. But if you didn't like it, it wasn't like a, oh wow, that was so great. And it felt fake. It was like, no, it always felt like you were just genuinely interested. Interested in us because you cared about us.
SPEAKER_01Well, that would be stupid to pretend. I remember my son showing me some heavy metal music and I hated it. I mean, I was listening to Michael Boobley, you know. Uh, and not to say he's not great, but I was not into heavy metal. Anyway, so my son would play a song and he'd go, What do you think about this one? I go, yuck, hate it. Next one, hate it, hate it, hate it. And then he'd hit on one and I go, ooh, I kind of like that, the beat usually or something. So then he'd start to understand my he to this day still recommends music to me. And it's very rare that I don't like what he shows me. He knows my music style. I don't know my music style, but he seems to. But yeah, I don't lie about it, you know. But open your mind. What's that saying I found the other day? The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it's not open. You know, open your mind to what they like. You may actually find some of it you do like. Okay, now to this day, I still listen to slipknot, NWA, all that stuff that because I had a teenage boy that I showed an interest in, he was into all that. I don't even think he's into that as much anymore, but I still am. Uh, but yeah, so open your mind. You might actually enjoy or appreciate what they're into. Just open your mind. Like a parachute.
SPEAKER_00It's no good if it's closed. Okay, we have one final question. So this is just for context. I don't have any children of my own, but I have a 19-year-old stepdaughter with my husband,
and his and my stepdaughter's mom's parenting style is and has definitely been the please your parent style. They've consistently rewarded her horrible behavior. She's disrespectful to everyone. And when she's disrespectful to her mom and dad, they just put up with it, letting her walk all over them. She's constantly trying to manipulate everyone and feel bad for her when she does something wrong, or she'll blame it on everyone else, but usually it gets blamed on me. And when this happens, instead of my husband having my back and helping me out, he just backs her and tries to say that I'm lying when I'm not. Because usually when she does this manipulative tactics, a lot of the time she's saying things that are completely untrue, but her mom and dad just blindly believe everything she tells them, and I'm constantly labeled as the bad guy. So the question is what age is too late to try and correct this? Is 19 too old? Is she stuck being this way forever? I want to help her. I'm not angry or upset with her. I see she's struggling, and I really want to connect and help her grow into the strong woman I know she can be, but is it too late?
SPEAKER_01This is not a parenting question. This is a marriage question. Why does your husband not have your back? Why that I don't understand that. So yeah, that's a marriage issue. That's not a parenting issue. And by the way, it's never too late. You can always work on your relationship with anybody. Um, so it doesn't matter what age. Uh, I think the oldest client I ever had, or the oldest kid of a client I ever had was, I think, 25. And that the only reason I even allowed that, usually it goes up to 18, um, because they're, you know, younger. But anyway, it was because they have to still be living with you and be completely financially dependent upon you. That was my rule with this 25-year-old. And we did change things. Uh, but the parents were willing to be on the same page. You can't have a biological parent opposing or going against you and expect to get any respect from that from that young person. It's just not gonna happen. Okay. Um, even once they see what's going on, they're always gonna side with whoever is benefiting them, which is the parents they're giving in. So yeah, it's a marriage, that's a marriage question.
SPEAKER_00What is the difference? I think that this just brings up a bigger question of being that step parent. What's in your perspective? What
does that role look like?
SPEAKER_01Well, I don't even like the word parent. You're not a parent unless you have full custody of them, right? So, and she's an adult now. So your role is more of a friend and a support for the biological parent, usually. But if you've had them from a very young age, you still the everything has to uh the the biological parent is always in charge, always, but they have to back you up, okay? And you you can have very different styles uh from the other household. You can have two different households who have two completely different styles. There's nothing wrong with that because school is very different from home too. Kids will ricochet very quickly into wherever they are, they'll resort, they'll move into that relationship that they have wherever they are. So yeah, don't worry about the other parent, but I'd worry about my your husband. Why on earth is he undermining you? That I would worry about that. I would I would have a big talk with him on that. And if he's willing, I would even get my own behavior board between you and him. Just put it in the master bathroom and said, no undermining each other with parenting or no undermining me, or just have a very specific rule and then say, now what do you want from me? Make it you can even make it kind of funny, right? The consequences um won't go into it, but yeah, you can make it kind of funny. But yeah, have an accountability chart. He probably doesn't even know he's doing it. He feels he's defending his daughter, but he's not, he's actually undermining you. He's you know, he's cutting you down. So yeah, it's not a it's not a good thing to do.
SPEAKER_00Do you find as well with step parenting, because you said be the friend, but then you also said you have to back up the parent. Do you find that sometimes step parents lean too hard into the being the friend aspect?
SPEAKER_01Um, yeah, you want to be friends with well, you want to be friends as parents too, by the way. Um, but you are there to back up the biological parent. So whatever they want, you're there to back it up. Okay. Doesn't even mean you have to do it, but you have to say, okay, we'll talk to your father about that. So you just have to be on the same page. That's the thing. If you're not in the same page, you're not a team at all. And you got to be a team. So yeah, it it it's now you can have very different styles, but you you and you might not agree on everything, but you don't argue in front of the kids or the 19-year-old. Okay, that's the thing. She's playing you against each other. She knows she's got it all over you when it comes to the dad. She's always going to get her own way. Maybe the dad doesn't even realize it, or maybe he does. I'd talk to him about it and say, look, this is really hurting my relationship with her. And I'm also worried about her, how she's turning out. She's very entitled, she's rude sometimes. He might get his back up, or maybe he'd be willing to listen. He probably already knows, by the way. He's just doesn't want to face it yet. So treat, I like the way she worded that question. She goes, I'm not mad. I just care about her and I want her to be the wonderful woman she can be. Leave with that. I thought that was a really nice way of wording it. That was lovely. Okay. Well, that was it for the questions. Okay, well, thanks so much for joining us. And the uh what was the name of the
It's all about getting children to open up to you. Getting them to open up is that you be receptive to it, but not judgmental. Be very willing to listen and don't talk. Just listen. Use your ears more than your mouth. Um, and you listen to understand and show empathy. You don't listen to gather information to lecture with, or they will shut you out, especially when they get older. When they're younger, my mom used to say to me, I remember if I went to my mom with a problem, I was little, like really little. Mommy, what should I do? Blah, blah, blah. And she'd go, well, I don't know. You're a smart girl. You can figure it out. And then we'd start chatting about it. She might tell me stories about when she was little, or she might maybe say, Oh, have you tried that? I always thought I was working out my own problems, but I always felt so safe going to my mom. She never judged, she never looked disappointed. She was always there to talk to. Okay, she was not a judgmental parent at all. And I I don't think I was either. So yeah, it's really important to not look judgmental. Anyway, thanks so much for joining us. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
SPEAKER_00Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit Bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.