They don't hate you, they love you. They're just saying it just to try and control the situation. They want you to know they're mad and they want you to get upset over it.
SPEAKER_01Maybe you just crossed a line as a parent. How do you approach that if they say I hate you in return?
SPEAKER_00Oh, yikes, that's a good one. I know exactly what I'd do. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started.
SPEAKER_00Okay, sweetie, what are we talking about today?
SPEAKER_01Today's topic is how you would ara. I don't even want to ask. I don't know what you're trying to say. How you would approach if your child says that they hate you. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00How you would arack. Okay. How you would approach when your kid says, I hate you. Okay, that's a very good topic.
SPEAKER_01And I'm sure that this is hurtful to hear if you're a parent.
SPEAKER_00It shouldn't be. They're just saying it. They love you. They're just saying it to get under your skin. They're going to say anything to get under your skin if you're if they're mad at you. Okay. So yeah, they're going to say, I hate you. You're a lousy parent. I wish I had different parents. I'm going to run away. You know, they're doing it for the reaction. So just go, like if a kid said to me, if one of my kids had ever said they hated me, I would have gone, okay. Would not have failed, would not have looked like it bothered me at all, at all. And I because I knew it would have been said with just trying to get under my skin. That's why they're doing it.
SPEAKER_01I want to cover three different scenarios because I do think there's different ways in which this
could come up. So the first scenario is let's say you've five-year-old, you've disciplined them, and that's when they say that they hate you.
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah, that's just they're mad. Okay. Because there are scenarios. The only time I would address it is if you're, well, maybe you'll get to it. Okay. So the first one is you just discipline them and they said I hate you. And they go, okay, fine by me. Yeah, don't react. But I would address it, but I would say, okay. Like I wouldn't just ignore it. I would point out that it doesn't bother me. Yeah, I hate you. Okay. Or whatever. Why do you think that approach is important? Just to show them that they can't manipulate you. They're trying to get under your skin and hurt you because they feel like they're mad, right? They want to get back at you. Just show them that they can't. Okay. That's what you're doing. You're taking control.
SPEAKER_01And then you're saying if it does show that it upsets you.
SPEAKER_00Now they're in charge. Now they're in charge. They're controlling your emotions. You don't want them to control your emotions, okay? When everything's going to heck, right? When the poop's hitting the fan. You don't want them to control your emotions. You want to stay completely calm. It's like a business transaction. Whenever you're disciplining children, it's a business transaction. As soon as you show emotions, now they're in charge.
SPEAKER_01Do you not think that that's teaching them that they can say, I hate you to other people?
SPEAKER_00They don't tend to. Okay. It just doesn't tend to happen. Nope. Okay. It teaches them this ain't working. So they're just going to stop doing. They tend to lean into what works and lean away from what doesn't. If it doesn't work, they stop doing it.
SPEAKER_01And you talk about the Bratbuster's behavior board. Could you use this as something for the Brat Brusses behavior?
SPEAKER_00No, it's in the attitude department and you can't put that on the board. The only thing that you can put on the board that comes out of their mouth is no swearing or no name-calling. But saying I hate you is just attitude. So yeah, you don't put attitude on there. And by the way, once you're a leader, they don't tell you stuff like that anyway. Uh it's only said you gotta if they say I hate you, you got some work to do on your leadership skills.
SPEAKER_01Do you want to go into the next scenario?
Yes. The next one is if they say it and everything's fine.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's the one I was gonna mention. I said you'll probably come to this. If they just said, I really I hate you, I would say, Oh, what brought that on? What's going on? I would delve into that. Say, oh, what brought that on? Yeah. So if you're on like Dumbo at Disneyland or something going around on the ride and they say, Oh, by the way, I hate you, then I'd look into it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. But otherwise, no. Do you find that sometimes, especially as children get older, do you think that maybe it's like a cry out for help?
SPEAKER_00It depends. If it's said, if it's said when they're angry, no. It's just they're just expressing their anger. But if it's said in a good moment, yeah, it's a cry for help. Of course it is. Yeah, if they say it when everything's seemingly going great and they say I hate you, oh, I'd for sure I'd get to the bottom of that. I would not let that one go.
And then the third scenario that I have here, and it kind of plays into this, is let's say you've done something as a parent to embarrass them. So you've been unreasonable. Maybe you've teased them when you shouldn't have. Maybe, maybe you just crossed a line as a parent. How do you approach that if they say I hate you in return?
SPEAKER_00Oh, yikes. That's a good one. I know exactly what I'd do. I'd say, I don't blame you right now. I'm hateable right now. What can I do to make it up to you? I shouldn't have done that. I was awful to do that. You deserve to hate me right now. I hate myself too, by the way. So what can I do to make it up to you? Okay. And then have an amends. Make amends, take them somewhere special. But yeah, you gotta, you gotta eat crow. If you messed up and then they say they hate you because you've hurt them, that's different. You make it up. Eat crow. Eat that. Cry even. I would even cry. If my if my kids had said I hate you because I really did something really mean to them, let's say, holy moly, I would be upset. Show them that. Show them you're upset at yourself.
SPEAKER_01Now, this is interesting because you often talk about the idea that you don't want to show anger, frustration. Do you want to talk about the difference between showing that versus showing that you're upset?
SPEAKER_00Well, I'm mad at myself. That's okay. You just don't want to show it towards them. Yeah, I it's in I'm internalizing it. I'm not internalizing it, I'm externally showing that I'm mad at myself. Yeah, that that's okay. You can you want to show that you want to show that they matter so much to you that you hurt them and now you want to make it up to them that you're upset that you hurt them. Yeah, I would show that emotion for sure.
SPEAKER_01Do you bring it up the next day? Do you say, I just want to say I'm sorry about that again, or do you just let it go once you've made amends? Well, the amends would be pretty big.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, it might even be like a trip somewhere over the weekend or whatever. It would be pretty, it would be a big amends, okay? So then I might let it go. And I wouldn't do it again.
SPEAKER_01I would I would assume that would be hard to move forward because then you're carrying that guilt into your parenting. Like, do you find that that would bleed into it?
SPEAKER_00Um I I would I would find it hard to forgive myself if I'd hurt my kids. Um I would find it very hard, but I'd have to get over it. And I think they would know it would bother me for a while. Um, I'm talking if you really did something, you know, hurtful to them. Um, it would bother me for quite some time. I think it's okay to show that. I wouldn't have a problem with that. I think it shows how much they mean to you. That's that's what you're showing is how much their feelings mean to you. So I don't have a problem being that vulnerable and showing that I'm really messed up. Yeah, you gotta own it. If you really mess up with your kids, own it. Make it up to them. Don't don't defend it.
SPEAKER_01What if in the first scenario you discipline them, they start yelling, I hate you, and you yell it back in response, or you yell something at them.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's when I would say, Oh, geez, that was stupid, wasn't it? I shouldn't have done that. Then I would make amends. Yeah, I would forget what whatever they said is okay. They are allowed to have a bad attitude towards you. You're not allowed to have a bad attitude towards them. It's a one-way street, okay? So no matter what they say to you, just you know, that's okay. But you're not allowed to do it back to them. It's a one-way street. You're the leader here, you're the parent. Take the high road. If you go on the low road and you you say something awful back to them, you gotta own that again. Own it. Say, geez, I don't mention what they said to you. Well, the only reason I said I hate you too is because you said it. That's ridiculous. Take the high road, be a leader, have some class with your kids and take it. Eat, eat crow and say, I should never have said that. Do not mention what they did to make you say it. Then it's not that's not an apology, okay? I shouldn't have done that. I was just an idiot. I would own it like big time. I'd say, look, I want to make it up to you. Here's what I'm gonna suggest. You have a better idea. We can go to paintball, we can go skiing, we can do, you know, make it up to them. Make amends and then don't do it again.
SPEAKER_01I do remember that when you were making amends growing up on things, is you would often give us multiple things, be like, what do you want?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And let's make it clear. When I was making amends, it's not because I told I told them I hated them. I wasn't over anything like that. It was usually because I forgot to make muffins when they asked me or something like that. So it was usually pretty low-key. But I did what was the worst thing I ever did, aside from the ribbon routine? I know. Can you come up with something that I did that I had that I made amends for? I can't remember specifically. No, it was usually something. Usually I'd say we're gonna go somewhere, and for some reason we didn't, maybe my back was sore or something, so we didn't go. It was usually something like that. Um, I forgot to do something or just whatever. But yeah, make amends when you mess. You know why? Because you're showing them it's okay to mess up, it's okay to be human, it's okay to make mistakes. We're life is messy, people are messy, but you want to clean up the mess, don't just let it go and expect it to be forgotten. Clean it up. You can't move forward properly until you've cleaned up that mess. So clean it up. Probably the ribbon routine, the ribbon routine. Okay, well, yeah, you had it. Tell that we'll have to tell that story quickly, just because if you in case you haven't heard it, uh my daughter was what, 16, 15? Anyway, she was working at this gymnastics place, and I went to pick her up after work. So it was cold out. So rather than wait in the car, I always got there early because it was dark. I didn't want her, you know, in the parking lot dark. So I went inside to warm up. And there was those sticks with a ribbon on it, you know, like gymnastics ribbon routine stuff. Well, I don't know anything about gymnastics or ribbon routines. And there was just like, I think she had one co-worker there with her. So I decided to do a full-on ribbon routine, like a moron. And I was having a great time. And she was horrified.
SPEAKER_01And like, you know, when you have those coworkers where you're like, you're you're coworkers, but you're not like the best of friends. So it's not like you can just like laugh it off and be like, oh my mom. It's like, oh, I genuinely feel anger in my heart when you say that.
SPEAKER_00Even now, it's just it's yeah, it was bad. The thing is, if I'd done it in front of her friends, they all would have laughed. And so I just I didn't pick my audience and I messed up. So anyway, I realized pretty oh, was she mad? I don't know what I did, but I had to eat crow and make amends big time. We're still talking about it. That was like almost 20 years ago, 16 years ago. We're still talking about it.
SPEAKER_01Some things just have staying power.
SPEAKER_00Yep. Anyway, so that was what I did. And uh I ate crow and I made amends. And we're still talking about it, though. I don't think she's ever forgiven me. I don't think so.
SPEAKER_01Would you like to rightly so? Would you like to get in the parenting questions? Sounds
good. The first one here is Kelly from the United States. My son's four years old, and he sometimes will react to his frustrations by a scream. It's more like a squawk sound, like he doesn't know what else to do. But it's usually whenever he doesn't get his way, something's gonna told no, or feels embarrassed. And I want to know, is it a phase for this behavior or what it does it turn into as he grows up and how do I correct it before he goes to school?
SPEAKER_00So if he does a squawk or a scream or whatever when he's mad, just go, whoops, okay, whatever, and then just walk away. So you're kind of addressing it, but you're addressing it in a oh well, no big deal way. And he'll stop doing it. Past the age of three and a half to four, they only do what works. If it doesn't work, it doesn't get any reaction, any attention, he'll stop doing it.
SPEAKER_01That's why, again, these questions aren't specifically around I hate you, but it's the idea of when children are acting out like that, you often talk about the fact that it's about getting under your skin.
SPEAKER_00It's always about trying to mean, trying to get the control back. That's what it is. Like you think you can discipline me. Oh yeah, I hate you. I wish I had different parents. They're just trying to get back at you. It's revenge, right? So yeah, just let it go. Just go, okay,
whatever.
SPEAKER_01Okay. The next one is Hannah from the United States. I've been following your advice with both my kids for a while now, and your methods really work. My 32-month-old is great with the whole bedtime routine, but at the very end, when it's actually time to go to sleep, he starts trying to delay bedtime. He's clearly exhausted, but he'll laugh, yell, and scream just to stay awake and keep the interaction going. Normally I'd ignore this behavior and not give it attention, but I feel stuck because his younger sister is asleep in the next room. I can't just leave him to scream it out and wake her up. I've even gotten to the point where I partially covered his mouth while calmly but firmly saying it's time for sleep, just to keep him from being so loud. But honestly, that feels wrong and I don't want to keep doing that. He does eventually give in and realize he's not going to win the bedtime battle, but I don't feel good about how we're getting there. What can I do when his behavior is clearly attention-seeking, but ignoring isn't really an option because there's another another child sleeping nearby. I'd also like to mention that I do spend a decent chunk of time right before bed reading, snuggling, and talking to him, so that he's getting that one-on-one time with me and feeling connected before bed.
SPEAKER_00Do you know what I'm going to respond to first?
SPEAKER_01Can you guess? I think maybe the covering the mouth.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Don't do that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I don't want to go on about it. Just don't cover their mouth to try and keep them quiet. Anyway, it's anyway. You probably already know that, but you were just desperate. Here's what I would do. I would let him scream it out, but I would get a very loud, I would get a sound machine and have it very loud in the daughter's room. Okay. It's very hard to hear anything over those sound machines, especially if it's put near where the sound's coming from, evidently. Like if it's coming from underneath the door, put the sound machine right by the door. That's what I've been told to do anyway. So yeah, I'd get a sound machine for it. You just gotta let them scream it out because if you try and stop the screaming, the only way to do that is to give him attention, which delays the bedtime, right? So he's winning. So I would give that a go. That's the first thing I'd try. Get a really uh get a sound machine for the daughter's room, put it on really loud. You might have to get uh maybe work into that, uh, maybe set it, you know, sound quieter, but then maybe once she's asleep, then you could hike it up. Are there any other bedtime approaches? Not with this one, because I don't want to tell her what to do next, because um I want to try that one first. So that's the that's what I would try first. I want to let him scream it out, you know. I I don't want to have to go in there. I want now, I want him to come out of the room. If you keep going in, he's gonna keep screaming. If he you want to be him to be able to get out of the room so that you can walk him back in, okay? And you don't say anything, you just walk him back. I've got lots of videos on how you do that. The first time you walk him back to bed, you say stay in bed. The second time you just say bedtime, one word. Every time after that, you don't look at him or talk to him. You just walk him back to bed. Let him get out of his room. You don't want him to stay in his room screaming. If you ignore it long enough, he'll come out. You want him to come out so you can walk him back to bed.
SPEAKER_01The next one is Jamie from the United States. I have an almost three-year-old, 35 months, and a five-month-old girl. I'm trying to
incorporate your parenting style, but my husband's struggling. We both work him a day shift and I work a night shift. So half of the time we're on our own with the kids. When I'm at work, he has trouble controlling emotions, gets mad easily, and yells or throws things out of frustration when our three-year-old doesn't listen, whines, or cries. Or worse, when both of them are crying at the same time. How do I, how can I help get them on board with your parenting style?
SPEAKER_00That's kind of tough. Just start with the behavior board. Um, start there. It's the training wheels with all this. She's 35 months. I would start around the behavior board, and you're you're sort of starting to get some control, some system, some plan. That's what the behavior board's all about. It's just the training wheels with all this stuff. So and there's a there's a few lessons in there and how to connect and all that stuff. And it's completely free. If you want the course, you can look at that too. That's the boot camp course. I would get the three to 12 year old one. Um, but yeah, that's where you start. You can't tell him how to how to calm down, but you can have a plan so that he's got something else to do instead of getting upset. Okay. The reason why we often get upset is because we don't know how to handle a situation. If you know how to handle it, you're less likely to get upset.
SPEAKER_01Is it the idea that you're almost floundering in the moment?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's like he doesn't know what to do. So of course he's gonna get upset, but now he's got a plan. He's got a way to handle some bad behaviors, right?
SPEAKER_01And you do talk about the fact that oftentimes when it comes to yelling, it works in the short term, which is why a lot of times parents
will resort to that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yelling and spanking uh can work in the short term. I don't recommend them. They're gonna backfire down the road, okay? Uh, but that's why parents do it. Plus, you were probably yelled at, okay? I've never been yelled at, and I've never yelled at my kids. So it just isn't in the normal, it's not in my tool belt to do that. Um, but if you were yelled at, you just want to break that pattern. You're not your parents, you don't have to repeat what they did.
SPEAKER_01Okay, the next one is Louise from France. My children are three years old and a 20-month-old. I wonder how to act
when we're with friends and their kids, and all the kids argue over who gets the toy. If they were just my kids, I would give the toy for five minutes for each child because they're used to this process. But when I try to do the same with other kids who aren't used to this, they usually won't let go of the toy. The parents don't say anything, and I end up telling my kids to play with something else. I think it's not fair to my kids that they don't get to play, and I don't want to teach them to be pushovers. But I also don't want to overstep with the other parents either.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, uh well, what I used to do, because my kids were more, you know, gentle, they wouldn't go, they wouldn't go grab something. So I did let them just go without because I would never tell someone else's kid what to do if the other parents were around. If I was the one looking after those kids, then I would have a system in place and I'd say, here's what we're doing. But if the other parents are around, nothing you can do. Just let your kids miss out. They'll learn eventually, okay? They'll just learn how to get in there and play and maybe get their turn. But for now, there's nothing you can do. You cannot control other people's kids when the parents are around. You just can't do it. Sure, that is so tough. It is. And even with my granddaughter now, it's interesting. Just the other day I noticed this. Uh, she's almost two and a half, and she's also very gentle. She's not one to grab stuff, and kids would come up and grab stuff off her all the time. I must admit, I did this the other day. One kid, he was a lot older, he was like five years old, and she's just two. And he went, came right up and grabbed something out of her hand, like just grabbed it and started walking away. I grabbed it off him and I said, No, this is hers. And so I gave it back to her. I don't even normally do that. And it's agony seeing that though. And so now I've noticed what she does is if a kid grabs something off her, she kind of waits a minute and they'll usually put it down and she'll just be nearby. Then she'll just sneakily take it behind them and she'll walk off with it. So she's learning her own passive way of dealing with it. But she's figured that out on her own, you know. Uh so yeah, they'll figure they'll find their own way, but you don't try and control other people's kids, especially when the parents are around. None of your business, okay? Your kids are just gonna have to learn. Some kids, some parents aren't gonna make things fair. That's up to them to make it fair, not you. It's just unfortunate. But yeah, it happens with my kid, with my kids, it happened all the time. They were more passive, and same with my granddaughter. It's agony to watch, but they do learn their own way, they do find their way.
SPEAKER_01I feel like even as an adult, I found my own way with that stuff.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you do. And you don't have to be pushy to get your turn. I remember though, uh, this was such a weird story, but anyway, I was in, I was three years old and I went to preschool or something, and the teacher, it was my very first day, and uh my the teacher said, I need to talk to you about Lisa. And I heard the whole conversation because she wasn't even trying to hide it. This was like a daycare, and it was like a preschool. So she goes, Can you please tell Lisa that she's not the teacher? Um, what I was doing was the teacher, this teacher was sitting off to the side smoking, and all the kids were pushing in line. It was like the same two kids that were going down the slide, they weren't letting anyone else on the slide. I was three years old and I had all the kids lined up so they all got a turn, but I never got a turn, not once, but I had it all organized so that and but the teacher wasn't doing her job. She should have been doing that, but she was off having a cigarette. That was that would have been back in 1963. Imagine that. Teachers just sitting bes sitting on a bench smoking when the kids are in the playground. Isn't that hilarious? Slightly different time nowadays. But anyway, but I was uh um I found my way, but I never I didn't care if I got a turn. I cared that things were just. It bothered me that all these kids were pushing all the other kids out of the way, it drove me nuts.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we have one final question. So Elaine from Australia. I've been using the behavior board with my very strong-willed four-year-old. She's
super smart, but can't seem to regulate outside the home. In daycare, she acts out with her peers and teachers, and if we ever visit grandparents, she throws maths and fits when leaving. I've leaned into the tantrums, we've actually increased visits to grandparents, and we go through the motions, and the tantrums have improved proved so much. However, daycare is still an issue. She knows right from wrong, and she knows she gets a consequence at home if she misbehaves in school. However, tantrums, throwing things and hitting, still happening. I'm not sure what the next move is. I've reduced her hours in daycare and I've seen some improvement, but I don't know how long these daycare tantrums are going to last. It's been six months. I don't shy away from scenarios that result in tantrums, and I see improvements. However, daycare is still an issue, and I'm concerned because she's about to start mainstream school soon.
SPEAKER_00Okay, I'm guessing here, but I'm I'm kind of assuming you've designed your home around her. So think she there's not a lot of conflict at home. What I mean is there's not a lot of things that she doesn't like. I would set up a few more things that she doesn't like at home. Like I might uh maybe at dinner time have more rules at dinner time, structure things more at home, set up more combative moments, like doing the right thing, have more routines, more schedules, so that she's used to being challenged more at home. That's what I would do. Because you're probably, I'm guessing you've designed your home around her so that there's if she doesn't like something, you might actually not do it. Or you know what I'm saying? If my kids had put up a stink over something, I probably would have pushed even harder to make sure it happened because it was something I knew they should they needed to learn how to do. So don't avoid things that upset her. But you already said you don't, you don't. So and you said things are improving. So it sounds like you might be moving in the right direction anyway. But do you understand what I'm saying? Daycare does not cater to each individual's wants and needs. Whereas at home, if you're catering to her too much to avoid scenes, she's not gonna do very well at daycare school because she's gonna expect them. That's an entitlement. She's gonna expect that at school too. That's my guess. I'm just guessing you've catered to her a little bit too much. But it sounds like you're going in the right direction. Okay, well, that was everything for the questions. Okay, so they say they hate you, they don't hate you, they love you. They're just saying it just to try and control the situation. They want you to know they're mad and
they want you to get upset over it. If you don't get upset over their angry anger, then they're just gonna stop acting out like that. They're just gonna stop saying I hate you, okay? Because they past the age of three and a half to four, they only do what works. If something doesn't work, they stop doing it. So if all that angry outburst never works, if they never get any attention for it, they're gonna stop doing it. Okay, I think that's a great place to end. Okay, thanks so much for joining us. Back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
SPEAKER_01Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit Bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.