At what age would it be beneficial to discipline or correct behavior of a child?
SPEAKER_00I'm really good at redirecting little toddlers, little wee ones. Oh, what's this? Ooh, this is nice. They cannot help themselves.
SPEAKER_01They have to look, okay? Should I start encouraging him to pick up toys when he's finished? I don't want to have unrealistic expectations, nor do I want to underestimate his brain and capabilities.
SPEAKER_00Do not get him to pick up toys when he's finished. What you do is you start picking up toys and then he'll probably join in. And you do it like this. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, Sugar Lump, what are we talking about today? Today's topic is where to start with Calm Leadership Parenting if you're starting at the beginning.
SPEAKER_00Okay, that would be the free behavior board, uh, because it also has a section on toddlers on there. It's just the start with all this. People tend to want the big picture. What do you mean by that? That's the pool story. If you want the big picture and how I treat children, how I think you should also treat children. So you deal with bad behavior, then you focus on the good kid. That's the pool story. If you can Google Bratbuster's pool story, it'll come up. I've talked about it lots of times. But if you want to know where to actually start, step one, that would be the behavior board. Or you can go straight to the courses, or you can go straight to coaching. But for free, you just go to the behavior board on my website, bratbusters.com.
SPEAKER_01I'm going to read out the question. It might give you a little bit more context of where I'm going with this. So I got that all wrong, did I? Maybe a little.
SPEAKER_00I'm okay with being wrong.
SPEAKER_01You know that. So this is the question that inspired this episode.
We have Savannah from the United States. I was wondering if you could touch on a starting point with the strategy from the beginning. Most of your content assumes the parent has been parenting another way and is switching to the common leadership approach, hence the behavior board as a new skill. I don't have a child yet, but will be trying to conceive this fall and watch hours of your podcasts and feel this approach that I want to take. Since we would be doing this ideally the whole time, would I still start with a behavior board when they turn three? Or could I develop the skills now and in the toddler years and go directly into the broader, okay, you did this behavior, so here's your consequence without the board. Any tips on how to develop as a calm leader before the parenting journey? I'm naturally a leader in my personal life and professional work, so I hope it might come naturally.
SPEAKER_00Okay. I'm not a leader in my personal life, but I'm very much that way with kids. So you don't have to be a leader in your personal life, but if you are, it might be an advantage. I don't know. I'm a follower in my personal life, so there you go. Um, okay, so that's such a good question. So where do you start with all
this? The baby, uh, there's four stages to parenting, baby, toddler, child teen. Okay. So the baby is zero to about 15 months. And that is just if they cry, you pick them up. If they do something naughty like hit you, uh, they're just, they're just learning, right? So you just say no and you hold their hand, then you redirect. So you're redirecting babies, you're coddling them, you're cuddling them. It's all just about love and connection and play, okay? And teaching them right from wrong, but you're not doing anything about it yet, other than using diversion and redirection. Then when they turn about 16 months to 18 months, it's kind of a gray area in there. You're starting to transition from diversion or redirection into consistent corrective actions. That would be the behavior board. It has a toddler course in there, also. They're mini courses, okay? So it'll teach you how to correct bad behavior with a toddler. Takes time, takes repetition, okay? They're all about actions, they're not about words. Parents tend to want to explain everything to a toddler. That's not their language. Physicality is their language, okay? So then you're gonna transition into the behavior board, but uh at the age of three. You don't need to have a behavior board. I would never use one. I want kids looking right at me, but it will teach you the idea behind how you do it. So it's still a good idea to look through the behavior board, and then you can just apply it without even having a board. Just say, you know, here's a rule. And if you break a rule, there's gonna be a consequence. And you start with the first consequence. If they choose not to do that positive action, then you resort to the negative deprivation. So I love that question. Just babies, you're coddling, cuddling, teaching them right from wrong, but you're not doing anything about it. You're just redirecting. Then when they hit the toddler uh period, then you're you are starting to discipline, but you're using consistent corrective actions. Then when they're three, you're starting to use more consequences because that's when they're able to stop and think before they act. They're starting to get that reasoning going at that age. But yeah, you don't need a behavior board if you're already a leader. It's just a it explains how to do it all. If you can do it without a behavior board, if you've already had a lot of success with the toddler year or whatever couple years there. But yeah, you might want to still look it over though
for sure.
SPEAKER_01Do you find that being really consistent as a parent really helps?
SPEAKER_00It's everything. It I was 100% predictable. My kids knew exactly how I'd react to everything. So why would you act out if you knew mom was going to come in with a consequence and say, hey, buddy, that wasn't very good. You know, what do you think you should do about that? I usually threw it back at them. So if they did do something that they shouldn't have, I would have said, Well, what do you think is a good consequence? I usually left it up to
them.
SPEAKER_01And I would guess as well, because you talk about how important connecting is with your with your method, is that would be a huge part too.
SPEAKER_00Well, connection is really what I'm all about. It's about, now, connection comes from making someone feel good about themselves. It doesn't necessarily come from just taking them somewhere and watching them have fun. It it comes from making them feel good about themselves. Now, the most wonderful thing you can do for anyone is to make them feel like they are enjoyed, that you enjoy their company. That is true connection. You can provide a lot of fun and excitement for your kids, taking them out places, sitting back and watching them play, but connecting with them. You know, you go down the slide with them, enjoy things with them in their world. That is true connection. Um yeah, it's it's that doing things that that you're both enjoying together and it's in their world. That is real connection. Harder to do with a toddler. Chances are you aren't gonna aren't gonna enjoy doing blocks as much as you're gonna enjoy maybe going going go-karting with a nine-year-old. Uh, but yeah, it it's still, you can still find those moments to enjoy that connection.
And then do you find almost like let's say you're trying out a new sport? Because you always talk about the fact that getting respect is hard, but maintaining is a piece of cake. Do you find like it's kind of the idea of if you do your muscle memory in a sport the wrong way, it's harder to like relearn. You have to backtrack. And it's do you find that the same idea is like with calm leadership? Um, so you mean is it hard to so if you've been parenting a different way, is it hard to transition over?
SPEAKER_00Is that harder than if you start from the beginning? I would think so. It would be like if you learned how to ski the wrong way and then you have to learn how to do it the right way. So you're pretty, you're pretty decent skier, but you just sort of have peaked at a certain level and you can't get any further because you've really been doing it wrong all along. And then all of a sudden you have to backtrack and then you sort of have to start and you don't look as good, you're not as good at skiing. I know I've had to do this myself. So, not to say I'm was ever a great skier, but I had to sort of unlearn some things. I think it is harder, yes. You get into the habit. And there's a part of you that gets attached to routine and habit. You say, well, it's working okay. You know, it's kind of like yelling. It's worked okay, it does work. Yelling can work in the short term, but it will backfire down the road. That is something you want to stop immediately. Will you be able to? Probably not. That's why you're on the behavior board and your rule is no yelling.
SPEAKER_01But I also don't want to discourage any parents who maybe are looking at calm leadership, but maybe they're further along in their parenting journey. You often, like I feel like that's where you focus on.
SPEAKER_00Well, my specialty is teenagers. So uh if you can change yourself with parenting teenagers, you can certainly do it with a two-year-old or a five-year-old. So yeah, you can always change the way you parent. Um, you have to change an aspect of your personality, though, because I really don't want you to react to the bad stuff. So if they do something naughty or whatever or bad, you you can't show anger, disappointment, or frustration. You're not a leader if you do. You want to remain completely calm. And even if it's a teenager, let's say they've done something that you really don't like, and you say, oh, okay, I'll tell you what, um, we got to do something about that. So let's discuss it. Let's discuss how we're gonna handle this. See how I'm approaching it? Like we're gonna problem solve together. I like to work as a team with teenagers. I actually did that when my kids are really little too, but that's harder to do with little ones unless they're used to that style. But yeah, you start with the behavior board. It's sort of teaching them that you are working together because you're on that board too. Some parents will actually argue that. Um, often men, especially in different cultures where they're sort of the head of the house, they don't want to be accountable. They said there's no way I want my kids punishing me if I make a mistake. Well, you gotta. If you want to be a leader, you gotta. But sometimes I will agree to that because I respect different cultures, right? But you really ideally want to be on that behavior board yourself. That is the true connection. Your consequence is the connection with your kids.
SPEAKER_01Okay, would you like to get into the rest of the parenting questions?
SPEAKER_00Yeah,
but I was gonna I want to get back to this connection just for a second. Um, the connection is, and I I keep saying, it's you're not just taking them somewhere and then they have fun and you're watching. It's not even about doing stuff that you both like. It's about doing it and you're both and you're both enjoying it together, but it's always in their world, okay? It's not in your world. It's not like you've shown, oh, this is so in I don't I'm not very good at explaining this. But let's say you're really good at tennis and you want to teach your young child, a five-year-old, how to play tennis, and all of a sudden they oh, this is a good example, actually. So you're playing tennis, you're really good at it, and you're trying to teach your five-year-old how to do this, okay? So then all of a sudden they get a good shot in and you go nuts. It's a really good shot. A better connection is when you mess up and you make fun of yourself. Did that make any sense? Do you want to want me to explain that? Yeah, okay. Uh oh, a really good example. I just thought of this. Uh, a couple weeks ago, I have my granddaughter one day a week. She's two, almost two and a half. Anyway, so we were both trying to do something, and she couldn't do it, and I couldn't do it. It was something we're balancing something. I don't know what it was. So she was trying to do it, she couldn't do it. So she goes, uh, Grandma helped. So I said, sure, I went in and I helped, and I couldn't do it. And I I said, Oh, I can't do it either. And I was starting to get frustrated. She laughed at me and she goes, Oh, grandma. And that that was connection. It was the fact that she struggles, so do I. And that moment we were equals. Like, you know what I mean? In that moment, she just looked, they just look at you differently. So it's when you are humble, when you're vulnerable, and when you can laugh at yourself and your own mistakes, because they're going to make a lot of mistakes learning. But that is true. That's when they look at you differently. Oh, you're human too. You make mistakes too. And that's okay. That is what really makes them feel good. Boy, that's boy, that's really complicated in my own head. I'm having a hard time with this. It is a good example. Does that make more sense? Was that clear? Well, I think vulnerability in general connects us to people. But we also want to do it with our kids. And this is what a lot of parents think. Well, I want to come across as like I know things, and I'm, you know, you don't. I never wanted to come across as being smart with my kids, for example. Um, I wanted to come across as being a good problem solver and we'll figure stuff out. As soon as you set your yourself up as being, I wanted to come across as more experienced and wise, wisdom with with life, that's okay. But not being smarter, you want to build them up. Like if I didn't know something, I would say, well, I don't know, let's try and figure it out together. That made them feel good, okay? But if I just come across like I know everything and I can do everything. And if I look frustrated when I can't, or if I don't want to admit that I can't, it makes them feel like you're not quite as as you're not, you're not equals. You're not the same. I wanted them to think we're all equal here, but I'm still the leader. Geez, that's hard for me to explain. Why am I struggling so much with this? Bringing them into the fold. Yeah, it's like when I said that to my granddaughter, oh, I can't do it either. She loved that. And she was trying to help me do it at that point. She became sort of like almost helping grandma, like here I was supposed to be helping her. But in that moment, you could see her little confidence was just right up there. She felt great about herself in that moment because grandma couldn't do it either. But that's okay. It wasn't like she was teasing me that I couldn't do it, but she was like, Yeah, neither can I. You could see it. I could just see that. And that's connection. When I was uh mentoring kids, especially um uh with like high school students, and maybe they were have they were struggling with some work that they couldn't do in school, like math or something, I couldn't do it either. So we tried to figure it out together. I didn't want to come across like I knew the answers to anything because I didn't. But they would actually learn, they literally, some of them would actually get better at that class so that at that subject, so that they could show me how to do it so I could look like I knew what I was doing as a tutor. I really was there as a behavioral mentor, but also sort of like a tutor, trying to encourage them to work, which I probably should have known more than about math than I did, but I didn't. But they it made them feel good that I didn't. So you don't have to have all the answers. Okay, that's really important to show that you're vulnerable too.
SPEAKER_01I think as well, like I was listening to a podcast and they were talking about speeches and how persuasive some speeches can be. And they talked about the fact that it was like that vulnerability, that relatability that really helps speeches become more persuasive.
SPEAKER_00Is that kind of where you're going? Oh, I could think of so many examples when you kids were kids and my when you kids were little, and when I messed up, how did that make you feel? And I was very like I'm very good at laughing at myself because I've had a lot of practice. But how did that make you feel when I'd mess up with something? I'd say, absolutely, this is the way you do it, and then I'd try and do it and mess it up. And the kids would love it. Well, as long as it wasn't like the 50th time, then it was really enjoyable. They loved it. And it because you gotta laugh. I mean, you know, life's messy. People are messy. You want to show them it's okay to make mistakes. I'm not saying you want to hit people and make those kind of mistakes, but you know, just sort of trying to do something you can't do it and laugh it off. It makes them feel great, makes them feel good. That's real connection because you're very relatable. And I want I was very predictable, I was very much a leader. I also believe I was very relatable. I think my kids felt they could tell me anything. Is that true? Or am I lying?
SPEAKER_01No, that's true. Am I lying? Yes, you are lying right now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but anyway, that's that's how you really connect. It's about your vulnerability more than anything. It's not about being right and showing them how to do everything, it's about figuring stuff out together.
SPEAKER_01I think that's a great thing. There you go.
SPEAKER_00I should have just said that right from the start.
SPEAKER_01We got there. We got there in the end. It was a long road. Okay. Okay, should we get into the questions? Sure.
First one is Mimi from Australia, child seven months. She's very curious of faces and has started grabbing and hitting, explore exploring. I wanted to teach gentleness from the start. Is this something you can do before the toddler stage?
SPEAKER_00Um, yeah, sort of. You know, as I said earlier, you're you're showing them right from wrong, but you're not doing anything about it. If she goes to hit, you want to prevent hitting too, because it gives it almost becomes muscle memory. The more hits they get in, the more comfortable they get doing it. So if you see her going to hit, you just grab her hand, you say, no, you know, that's embarrassing. No, baby talk. But you tell I I baby talk with babies, I just do. So you go, no, and then you redirect, okay? So you show her something else to hold or something else to do. So yeah, you're starting to show her right from wrong when she's seven months. That doesn't really start to kick in big time until they're nine or ten months, where you can you're starting to show them right from wrong, and they're starting to really look at you like, oh, this is wrong, but you redirect.
SPEAKER_01I love that. How embarrassing. And then you go and repeat it the exact same way. No, how embarrassing. No. See, I have no pride or dignity. No, it's all good. Okay, the next one is anonymous. I'm a guy in his 30s and want to start a family soon and really enjoy your content. I want to apply the board
to myself to improve myself. Any tips on how to get myself to be more consistent with the consequences and not overwrite the rules at certain moments.
SPEAKER_00You want a behavior board for yourself? Um, really? Is that a true question? It was submitted. That's cute. Okay. Uh he's a 30-ish year old man and he wants to have kids one day and he wants to have a behavior board from.
SPEAKER_01I think the general gist of the question is how do you make yourself accountable?
SPEAKER_00How do you make yourself accountable? Well, just write it down and have a have a I would do the reward system with myself too. So let's say that you want to, let's say you want to get off uh having coffee every morning or something. So every morning that you don't have coffee, write it down. Have it very visual. Behavior boards are all about visual. It's visual cues that things are changing. So put up your calendar and every single day that you don't have coffee, put a gold star on that day. And then when you've reached, you know, 10 gold stars, then you get something else. Then you maybe get a coffee. But uh with kids, you never use reward charts. But I would with an adult that incentive. And then also you could do it the other way. And you could say every time you get an X, it means you did have a coffee. So then it means that you have to put some, I don't know, maybe donate, give some uh money to a homeless person, like a big amount of money to someone or something. So have something that you have to do for someone else. Not just doing something bad for yourself, like taking something away, but do something nice for someone else. The reason I would say that is that's a good deed. So it's also a positive that if you mess up, you're doing something nice for someone else. So there's a couple of messages in there.
SPEAKER_01Do you think maybe having an accountability buddy could help?
SPEAKER_00I do, but are they gonna be accountable? Like if you're relying on someone else, I think that's okay and it can work really well. But also, what if that breaks down? I'd rather just do it myself personally. What if that breaks down? No freaking way would I ever do that with you. You know why? Why? Does anyone know us that that knows why? She would win every single time. I don't want her to make me accountable. She's extremely organized and always accountable. I'm not. I'm more inclined to slip up and let things slide. So I don't know if it was the coffee thing. I think you'd win every day. I might, yeah, but if I had to get off diet Pepsi. So we both have our things, right? So yeah, but she'd always win because I'd always mess up.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we'll get into the next one. So Jordan from the United States. Uh two parts. This is part one. How do I know when distraction needs to turn to correction?
I have a 15-month-old and I'm starting to feel pressure from family members to be more stern so things are easier later. He's so new to the world and still exploring. What will that transition look like? Should I start encouraging him to pick up toys when he's finished? I don't want to have unrealistic expectations, nor do I want to underestimate his brain and capabilities.
SPEAKER_00Okay, do not get him to pick up toys when he's finished. What you do is you start picking up toys and then he'll probably join in. And you do it like this. You say, okay, so we're gonna go to the park now, so let's put the toys away, and then you start doing it, he'll eventually learn to join him. That's what I did with my kids. So before we went anywhere, they just learned as they grew up that you put stuff away, right? So you do that. Now, if you're getting pressure from family members, you know, who cares, right? You do, you do you. Don't let other people, you know, tell you how to parent. But anyway, it is the transition time, about 16 months, is when you start actually using consistent corrective action. So, and you don't use it if he's not cleaning up. You don't get young, you don't get toddlers to do chores. You cannot have a consequence for a toddler because they did not do a chore. Chores can start at three. Okay, you I don't want to, I don't want you to ever discipline a toddler just because they didn't pick up after themselves, okay? But if they threw a toy, then you can say no, and then you pick up that toy they threw. It might have been one they like. If it was, this is this works well. Pick up that toy and say no, and then you quickly put it up where they can see it, but can't touch it for the rest of the day. That's the lesson. But because they're only 15 months, you're just that starts at around 16 months. So you might only put it away for 30 minutes, okay? But you're sending the message. You do something bad, something bad happens. You throw the toy, that's bad, so that it gets put away, and that's bad for you. It gets put away where you can see it, but can't touch it. So it's around 16 months you start doing that. So you just say no, never use an angry or stern tone. You just say no and you pick it up and put it away. So you use consistent corrective actions, which means when they do something naughty, you say one word and then you take action, which means you either take the fun away from them or them away from the fun. Just for a short period of time. Now you take, you can take the fun away from them, like put a toy away for 30 minutes, but I wouldn't pull them away from the fun for 30 minutes, okay? So if there's a bunch of kids playing and they hit a kid, you just say no and you pull them away and you just hold them back with them, and you you don't talk about it. Okay, you just pull them back and you say no, pull them away for maybe a couple of minutes if they're that little. Okay, they'll eventually learn. Then keep your eye on them. Do not take your eye off them because they're gonna hit again. So when they go to hit again, you say no again. You don't let them continue to hit. You don't let them hit and then take action, hit and then take action. You're right there. As soon as they go to hit, you say no. That's as good as a hit in my book. You say no and you pull them away again. Okay, you keep doing it repetition, repetition. They'll eventually learn.
SPEAKER_01And then we also have part two. I also want to know what you think about comforting at 15 months when he's hurt or is frustrated.
I name the feeling and stay calm, not shushing, but I do pick him up still and let him regulate through me, staying calm. Should I be letting him just sit uncomfortable? What if he can't calm down?
SPEAKER_00Well, there's two different questions there. If he's hurt, so he's hurt himself, of course you comfort him. Pick him up, cuddle him, then use diversion. Oh, what's this over here? But if he's just frustrated because he's mad, I would just use diversion. I wouldn't do the comfort. So he's mad because he didn't get the remote control. Maybe he found your phone and you don't want him to have it. He picked it up and you said no and you put it away. Now he's frustrated. I would not comfort that. I don't comfort anger, okay? Um, you let him process that. He'll eventually learn. Then you redirect and you say nope. Um, so this is a 15-month-old still. So you say no, and then you can just redirect his attention to something else. But yeah, there's a different, you don't comfort anger because they just didn't get their own way. There's no way you comfort that. How do you approach that then? Well, like I said, you just redirect. Just redirecting. Yeah. Um, he's just mad, but you don't comfort it. You don't cuddle him. Oh, you're mad because you I took the phone away. Oh, and give him a big hug. What you're actually doing is making it look like you did the wrong thing.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_01The next one is Grace from Australia. I have a one-year-old, so this question is irrelevant to them and more to answer my curiosity for future
situations. The question has to do with homework and chores. You mentioned to wait until your child asks that they want something like a cookie and say, Yeah, sure, once you complete your homework, you can or do this chore. If they reply that they have done their homework or chores, should I say, Great, let me see, or should I take their word for it? I want to instill trust, but also ensure they're being honest before handing over a cookie or taking them to the water park.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I would ask them because you want to see if they are lying or not. Yeah, figure it out. So if they say, Oh, I already did that, you probably already know if they've done their homework or whatever. But I Would ask to see it. Say, oh, can I have a snack? Sure, as soon as you've done your homework. I already did it. Okay, sweetie, let me see. Oh, um, yeah, I'll show you in a minute. And then they run and do it. So yeah, I would definitely check into that. If you don't know if you can trust them, see if you can. I think that's a really great question though, because when do you start taking their word for it? Because you know already. You can see toys strewn around if they've been picked up or not. You want to check their homework. Yeah, I would say, oh, that's great. Let me see. Yeah, don't say prove it. You just say, that sounds good. Can I take a look at it? Oh, um, yeah, you can see it. I'll do it, I'll show you later.
SPEAKER_01You know, you'll find out. How do you handle it though if they have been lying? Do you have a consequence for the lying? Yes, I would.
SPEAKER_00So I would say, Oh, you said that you did your homework and I didn't check it. Um, so and you didn't do it. So there's going to be a consequence for that. Yep. You can put on the behavior board no lying if they are prone to lying. You put down that one of the rules is no lying. And there's one rule per behavior board. You only end up with three. It's all explained in the free uh behavior board courses. It's on the top of the website, bratbusters.com. Anyway, so you just put down no lying. And if they lie about it, say, oh, okay, you were lying. So let's go to the board. Let me see now your rule was no lying. And here's your consequence because you lied. But I didn't lie, but I didn't lie. Well, is that another lie? Like don't double it. But yeah, if you know for sure they've lied, call them on it. And just say no lying. Don't say no non-truth to or so, you know, don't get all politically correct with all this stuff because they're not. Okay, don't worry about that. Just say no lying. And if they lie, just call them on it. Just say, oh, okay, you were lying. See my tone? Am I angry? No. Am I disappointed? No. Am I frustrated? No. I might be inside, but am I showing it? No, I just say, oh, okay, you lied. Let's go to the board. See my tone? Bit of a lilt in my voice. You sound very in control and calm.
SPEAKER_01You've also discussed the fact in the past that if you start kind of going around the topic or skirting around it, you're making it look like it's something more to be ashamed of.
SPEAKER_00I think it is. There's no shame in trying lying when you're a kid. Like there's no shame in doing anything when you're a kid. You're gonna try stuff, right? I don't believe in shaming and blaming and bullying kids, and that's what this is. If you start discussing and telling them why they shouldn't do something, now you're shaming, blaming, and bullying. Well, you know you shouldn't do that because good little boys and girls don't do that, or only bad little boys, or you know, you already knew. Why would you do that? You know better than that. That's all the shaming, blaming, and bullying. It's mean. Don't do it. Just say, oh, you lied. Let's go to the board. Da-da-da-da-da. Here's your consequence. Just do it. What are you laughing at? That's a Seinfeld episode, was yada yada yada.
SPEAKER_01Okay, the next one is Haley from the United States. I'm a first-time mom with a one-year-old daughter, and we've recently entered a stage where she hits people in the face, including her
baby cousin. I've tried to firmly tell her no and remove her from the situation, and that seems to make it worse and encourage her to do it over and over again. I've even tried popping her bottom, and that only also seems to make her want to do it again. I know you said that you don't consider a one-year-old to be a toddler, but I'm not sure how to correct her in a way that she understands. Please give me some advice on how to correct this behavior.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you you divert, you redirect, and you don't spank her. I don't encourage that at all. So you just say it is gonna make her worse because now she did something bad, now you're doing something bad, so she's gonna do something bad. It's just one bad on top of another, okay? So yeah, you just say no and you redirect, but watch her like a hawk. If she goes to hit again, stop it. Grab her hand, say nope, and then you redirect her attention. She's gonna get upset because she's not getting her own way and she's trying to get her own way. It's okay that she gets upset. Just stay calm, redirect. You can read a book to her or something or play with something else, but don't coddle her. Like, don't go, it's okay. You're a don't do that. Just say, okay, here's a book over here. She might be kicking and screaming, and you can just calmly start reading the book on your own if you want and just hang on to her. She can join in and what she'll chances are she's little. Chances are she'll pay attention and calm down. It's your calmness, which is what calms them down. And parents tend to think that there's some magical word, some magical action. No, they're watching you. They're not listening to you, they're watching you. It's your calmness that calms them down and teaches them all this stuff. It's your, it's your non-judgment too. Not and you don't show you never show anger, frustration, or disappointment because that's judgmental. It makes them feel bad. Okay, if they feel bad, they do bad. If they feel good, they do good. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we have one final question. So, Amy Lee from the United States. At what age would it be beneficial to discipline or correct
behavior of a child? One child is five months.
SPEAKER_00Five months? Um, yeah. The uh discipline doesn't start until they're about 16 months, but you're showing them right from wrong. It really kicks in around nine or 10 months. That's when it really starts to kick in. When they might hit you in the face, you just sort of gently take their hand, you say no, and then you redirect to you do something else. They might keep hitting because they're confused. Why did you just take action? Why are you not letting me hit? Then you just turn them around so they can't hit you. And then you redirect. What's this over here? You know that tone of voice. Ooh, what have we got over here? I'm really good at redirecting little toddlers, little wee ones. Oh, what's this? Ooh, this is nice. They cannot help themselves. They have to look. Okay. So have something better to do than hitting. Have something, you know, that entices them. Ooh, what's this? Oh, ooh, I haven't seen this before. Wow. You know, it I kind of embarrassed doing that. It's kind of embarrassing. Very enticing. It is enticing. I was enticing myself. I was going, What is what am I looking at? But yeah, it they can't help themselves. They're they're just gonna look. Okay, so have something more interesting than hitting going on. There you go. Okay, well, that was it for the questions. Okay, they're good questions, but I forgot the topic of the it's about starting from the very beginning. Right, right, starting from square one. You're just starting to teach them right for wrong, run nine to ten months. Um, and then by the time they hit about 16,
17, 18 months, that's when you're starting with the consistent corrective actions. And then by three, you can start with the behavior board. Even if you're already doing really well and they turn three, it might still be an idea to start with a behavior board and just see how it goes. And you can even put on there a no-breaking rule. If their rule can be no breaking rules, and they already know the rules because they're three and you've already been a leader. Like I never used a behavior board, it's just a teaching tool, right? It's teaching you how to do this. So it's more for you. If you've already been a good leader and they respect you, you don't even need to worry about that. By three, that's the turning point. I call it the fork in the road. When they turn three, they have the ability to stop and think. They will stop and think, they'll blow out their candles on their third birthday, and they'll lean back in their chair and they'll go, now let me think. Do my parents know what they're doing or not? In other words, am I going to take over or are they in charge? So that's that fork in the road. So you don't even need a behavior board at three if you've already been a really good leader, usually. Okay, I think that is a great place to end. Okay, thanks so much for joining us. We're back again talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
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