Inconsistency makes you look weak. It makes you look like you don't know what you're doing and they're not gonna respect you.
SPEAKER_00So why would they listen to someone they don't respect? One twin has been so much trouble, and I finally got it under control with your help, and then the other twin has started acting out. I feel defeated.
SPEAKER_01Once you've said that's it, you gotta stick by it. You gotta be willing to go through the fit scenes, meltdowns, and tantrums.
SPEAKER_00I know there are parents listening who go, My children are draining my battery.
SPEAKER_01When they feel good, they do good. When they feel bad, they do bad. Now they can do bad, but you still don't want them to feel bad. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_00And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sugar, what are we talking about today? Today we're talking about children who won't listen. And we're going to cover five different reasons why this might be. I'll feed you the reasons and I'll let you elaborate.
SPEAKER_01Okay, children who won't listen. Yep. Um, it was nothing to do with the kids, but anyway, okay. I can't help but get my opinion and right away. Well, it's nothing to do with the kids. I have five reasons and
well are you listenable? Is that a word? Listenable? No, it's not, but I made that up. Yeah, it's nothing to do with the kids. But anyway, kids who won't listen.
SPEAKER_00Okay. So I'll go into the first reason, uh, just based off of what you've said before. So inconsistent boundaries.
SPEAKER_01Okay. They don't listen if they don't respect you. That's the bottom line. And if you're inconsistent, they don't respect you because it makes you look like, well, you got it right one day and the next day you didn't, so you don't know what the heck you're doing. Inconsistency makes you look weak. It makes you look like you don't know what you're doing and they're not gonna respect you. So why would they listen to someone they don't respect?
SPEAKER_00Do you want to talk about like maybe an example of when parents are inconsistent?
SPEAKER_01Uh well, a good example of this is when you're, let's say you say I had a good day, but if I'm tired, and I hear this from parents all the time. They say, you know, when everything's good, it's easy. But when I'm tired or I haven't had much sleep, then of course I'm gonna lose it. Okay. That's not their fault that you're tired or you're sick. You still want to control your anger, your frustration if you can, okay?
SPEAKER_00I I think maybe some parents are listening to you, bedtime battles, it actually is their fault that I'm tired.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, I know, but it just because you're tired, it it doesn't, it shouldn't change your parenting. You can be tired and you can even say, look, I'm just gonna, I'll be right back. And you can leave and give yourself some space and then come back in, but you don't want to fly off the handle and deal with the bad behavior differently. So let's say you deal with hitting with a behavior board, and then the next day you're tired and you don't you say, Okay, let's just forget it. What you can do is pull yourself away, say, I'll be right back, and then you can say, Okay, you hit your brother. So you want to recover on your own, you go in the room, scream into a pillow or whatever, then you come back, and then you can say, let's go to the board. Okay, your rule is no hitting, and you hit your brother, whatever, and then follow through. It's tricky, but that is it's one of the main reasons for inconsistency, is well, the kids acting out is obviously, but it's you're tired, you're sick, um,
yeah, you have a really good day, and then you think everything's gonna be easy, and then you sort of let go a little bit and you think, well, I don't have to be as consistent now, big mistake.
SPEAKER_00I think we'll go into the next reason, and it it flows into this, it's repeating or nagging as a parent.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, when you're nagging, okay, as soon as you repeat yourself, you look weak. So if I said, Okay, we're going now and the kids ignore me. And then if I say, I said we're going, right? And then come on, I said we're going, come on, listen to me, there'd be a consequence. I would say, we're going now. And if they don't listen, I'd walk over to where they are and I'll say, We'll talk about this later. Let's hop in the car and we'll discuss it later. Um, my kids would have known right away. Whoops. So I'm I'm taking action. I'm letting them know that when we get home, there'll be a consequence. So you take action right away the first time they ignore you. But I would have told them ahead of time, we're gonna be leaving in 20 minutes, uh, you know, and then they would know they have to get ready. So I've given them a little bit of warning. It's not like I just have a surprise attack. We're leaving now. You know, I'm I'm fair and reasonable, right?
SPEAKER_00Your head just pops around the corner. We're leaving now.
SPEAKER_01Okay, now okay, there and then they don't come right away.
SPEAKER_00Okay, that's it. Consequence time. What if someone's listening? They go, Lisa, my children only listens when I nag them.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Well, uh yelling and nagging uh go they're in the same category. They they will work uh temporarily, but they'll backfire down the road. Okay. So and also if you repeat yourself, kids realize, well, there's no point in listening to the first time because they're going to be saying it again and again and again and again. They almost get trained. They know, well, my parents, my parents will blow up on the seventh repeat. Okay, so they almost literally know. So then they'll listen on the seventh time because your voice is changing, you might start to sound angrier. They know a big yell is coming, so they might give in it, they'll time it. It's amazing. Kids know this. They can tell by your tone, by your body language, your facial expressions. So they will ignore the first few requests because they know you don't really mean it. My kids or kids I was working with knew when I said something, I meant it the first time. Okay. Um, and it's not like an order, it's just, yeah, something's happening and
it's gonna happen. So yeah, you want to say what you mean and mean what you say the first time. Okay, should we go on to the third point? That's a good good time to do that. Because it's we've done one and two, so good time to do the third.
SPEAKER_00Yes, it is over-explaining and relying on words over actions.
SPEAKER_01Um, okay. This goes more for younger children, especially. So you over-explain stuff. So let's say you say to them, um, okay, uh, dinner oh, it would be a good example of this. Um, okay, let's put your toys away. We're going, oh, put put your toys away because we're gonna as soon as soon as you put your toys away, we'll leave. Okay. So then the kids will say, but I don't know where they go. I don't, and then you get pulled into this over-explaining because you think they don't know what needs to be done. So when I said, if I said something to kids, I would have said something like this. Okay, if I knew I was dealing with kids who were maybe a little bit more defiant, I would say, okay, I'll tell you what. Uh, the rule on the behavior board is put away 10 toys within 10 minutes of being asked to do so. Okay. So then every time you ask, and don't overdo that, like every every every hour you're saying put away 10 toys, but I'll say, okay, I'll tell you what, uh, we're gonna be leaving soon. So I'm gonna get you to put away 10 toys within 10 minutes, okay? And that starts now. This is when they start arguing, but what toys? But but you've already explained it beforehand, okay? You've got to be really consistent with this stuff in that you you want to set set it up up front. So now in the moment they're saying, I forgot, where's the timer? They already know where the timer is because you're very clear, you've got that visual timer going, they can see it, they know what toys to put away because you've already explained one toy is Lego. It's not each piece of Lego is a is a toy. You've already explained that up front. Parents tend to get pulled into this when kids play dumb, they're pulling you down. They're pulling you into explaining yourself, which makes you look weak. So all I would do is if they said, but I forgot, but what time, I would just say, ooh, five more minutes. I'm just a timekeeper. Okay, I'm not explaining what they already have been told and what they already know. Parents will defend this. They'll say, but they didn't understand. I'll and then I'll I'll I'll confront them on that. I'll say, you already told me your kids were gifted and brilliant. Now you're telling me they're drooling morons because they don't know how to put away 10 toys. They don't understand that one puzzle is a toy, one one set of Lego is one toy because you've already explained all this. You can't have it
both ways. When you over-explain, they over-complain and you look weak. You've already explained it. They already know. Okay, do you want to get into the fourth? Uh, sure. Well, we just did three, so now it's a good time to do four.
SPEAKER_00Now it's number four, and it's the idea of lacking that fun connection with them.
SPEAKER_01Okay, the fun connection is so important because um I was just talking about this uh with a client, I think last week, whatever. And I was saying, you know, I said, really, when I was working with kids, I didn't have any leverage really. Uh there's nothing I could discipline them with, right? I couldn't take away media or anything. So, but they like fun Lisa. I was fun. I'm really good at connecting. Now, this only really works um really well when you're working with kids, and I'll explain this in a second. When I was working with a kid, I had them for maybe an hour in the back of a classroom mentoring them, right? So they had my full attention. So I was on. I was like performing. I was fun, Lisa. So they did whatever I said because I was fun. They like that. They like that energy, they're drawn to it. But when you're parenting at home, it's sort of the same idea, but you're not juggling for them 24-7. Okay, it's a little bit different. But you want to keep your energy in a positive zone. My mother always had a very positive energy. I never saw her in a mood or negative, I just never did. Um, so you want to sort of keep that positive energy so kids can approach you at any time and they know what they're getting. You don't have different moods, you don't have different personalities. Children don't like that. They like to know that, oh, that you're a consistent personality. They don't like moodiness, it throws them off, okay? So, but at home, oh, I forgot the question. I got off on a big tangent here.
SPEAKER_00You you went somewhere and it's all about just having that connection and fun with your children.
SPEAKER_01The connection is the sounds so silly, but the connection is your positivity, your energy being positive and open and receptive to them, okay? And being fun. They, if you want to be a safe place to land, is what I'm saying. Okay. You want to have that positive energy. They are very drawn to that. They are so much more likely to listen to you if you are fun and positive. So even if you're not fun all the time, you still want to have a positive energy. Like whenever I went up to my mom or my dad, they both are very positive. Whenever I went up to them, they, oh yes, sweetie. Yes, darling. You know, that is very, they tend to listen to you more when they feel like you just think they're wonderful, that connection. And you can do it even when you're tired, whatever. Whenever they come up to you, say, yes, sweetie. Yep, okay. See that energy? So important. They are so much more willing to listen to you when you are fun and positive. So even if you don't have time to be fun all the time, which you won't, you'll play with them a lot, you'll connect with them in their world. But even when you're not playing with them, you still want to maintain that really positive energy toward them. The cheeriness. It's it's just uh, and I can remember, I remember um years and years when I was a little kid, I had friends who they said, oh, my parents are just in a mood. I remember hearing stuff like that. Oh no, they're just arguing or something. I never saw any of that. And I remember thinking, uh, it scared me. I didn't understand moods when I was a kid because I never saw it from my parents. Did I have moods? I don't think as a parent I did. Did I have moods? There was like, oh, mom's just in a mood. Don't talk to her today. No, not specifically. Like we went through stuff as a family, like we did, but I mean it was still, I think I was still really receptive to you guys. When you came up to me, I think my kids always felt very treasured. Is that right?
SPEAKER_00I always felt like this is gonna sound silly, but I always felt like I brought you joy. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01I I idolized my kids. I when they I wallowed in them, I really did. And I've often asked them, did you know I wallowed? Yeah, we know, we know, we know. But when they came near me, I always felt joy. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So I didn't feel like I was a battery drainer. No, you were the opposite. They were my energizers. I love being around my kids. Now, I want to this that sounded really like congratulatory. It's like, this is just my mom that I have this, okay? Like and my dad and my dad. I feel like, you know, like it's just my parents, but and I feel very grateful for that because I understand that's not everyone's experience, but I also want to make the point that it didn't lead me to think that everything out in the world is like that. And also, I know there are parents listening who go, My children are draining my battery.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. But you know, I worked for that. I I was very, I really did wallow in them, but I dealt with bad behavior, but I never focused on it. I deal with bad behavior and then I focus on the good kid. I know when they walked in the room, they always felt treasured. I just know it. I they and my mom was when I walked in the room, my mom and dad lit up too. I can remember that. So yeah, that's really important. And when you when you feel that you're that like enjoyed, you tend to be easier. You tend to lean into that. It just makes them want to be with you more, it makes them want to listen to you. Okay. Um, but also I used to tell my kids, when when you walk in the room, I light up, but never expect anyone else to. You got to earn that with strangers. But at home, you're always gonna get that. But when you go out in the world, you gotta earn that stuff.
SPEAKER_00And there were times like when I acted out, like I threw some fruit cups in the onion drawer. I didn't, I didn't feel draw, drawer in the box. I didn't feel exactly like uh my mom lit up when she saw me at that point.
SPEAKER_01Well, what had happened, we've told this story before, was she was just the easiest little kid. She never cried as a baby, never had a tantrum or anything. And but one day, and she had to have fruit every single day, but she hated fruit, so she I'd get by these little um fruit cups. And they were really healthy little fruit cups. So one day I had a box in the pantry full of onions and potatoes. And I opened it up and I went in there and I I opened it up, and there was all these moldy fruit cups that were full. She'd been putting them in the onion box, like too stupid to realize maybe one day they'll be found.
SPEAKER_00If you've been listening to the podcast a while, you'll see this is like a reoccurring theme with my choices as a child, as I I find a way to avoid what I don't like, but I don't have the foresight to realize that it's gonna get caught.
SPEAKER_01Well, like she hid the broccoli underneath her plate at the dining room table. Well, of course, when the plate is lifted, the broccoli's all there. I didn't make it to step two. I just thought about step one. Uh but anyway. Anyway, so the energy, and we talked about connection. And I talk a lot about having fun with your kids, but the connection really, and I never really talk a lot about this, but when your kids walk in the room, do you light up? Now, parents are like, yeah, no, uh, some of them are gonna be feeling that way. Um, because you gotta earn that. You gotta earn that that they are light upable, like that they walk in the room, they're not gonna cause you grief, okay? I worked really hard to set myself up as a leader. That's what I'm teaching you here. Most people want to hear about the discipline. Yes, you have to do it, but you want to focus on making them feel good about themselves. That is the goal here. When they feel good, they do good. When they feel bad, they do bad. Now they can do bad, but you still don't want them to feel bad. Okay. And that's everything I'm teaching. I can't sum that up in one little uh line here. But yeah, that's the whole goal is that they feel good about themselves. And when they feel good, they will do good.
SPEAKER_00And again, I want to reiterate because I do know that this is not everyone's experience. So I'm aware of that and I'm grateful for how lucky I feel for this, but it did make me feel good as a child. Like I remember that feeling of it just made me feel safe. And I felt like it gave me a base that when things happen out in the world, because I know that there's sometimes some pushback when you say that, is that, well, this isn't realistic, like you need to set them up for real life. Is I felt like I was very understanding of the fact that the real world was not always going to treat me that way, but it felt good that I could come back, I could discuss my problems with my parents, and I felt like I could take on the challenges that happen outside.
SPEAKER_01You see, my parents didn't do that for me. They, my mom made me feel like I was special everywhere. So she didn't level me enough. So I remember going out into the world and not everyone thought I was absolutely fabulous. And I remember being sidelined by that. I thought, oh, mom told mom and dad tell me I'm special and wonderful.
SPEAKER_00And don't worry, I got some, I got some good leveling. Yeah, I was aware.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I told them. I said, no, you don't expect other people to feel that way. But anyway, yeah,
my mom didn't tell me that. So I can remember realizing, oh, I get it. I had to figure that out all by myself.
SPEAKER_00I do want to, we'll come back to the fifth point now because I feel like we've we've uh hashed that one out a bit.
SPEAKER_01We've murdered that one, yes.
SPEAKER_00This one really does fall into just what you think about calm leadership in general is parents demanding respect instead of trying to earn it.
SPEAKER_01You gotta be a leader to get respect. You can't just say, you respect me, that's ridiculous. You've got to earn it. Now I've worked with hundreds of kids and troubled teens, and I worked my butt off to get it. And if they acted out with me when I was getting to know them and they'd act out or say something rude to me, I thought, what am I missing here? What am I doing wrong? I know how to earn respect. Okay, you've got to work for it though. You've got to stay calm when they're being rotten, okay? And they will be rotten sometimes. That's when you stay calm, but you deal with it, but you stay calm, but you've got to make them feel good about themselves. My goal when I was working with kids was always, always, always that they like themselves when they're with me. Even though they were acting out a lot when I first met them. I was never asked to work with easy kids, by the way. I was a behavioral mentor, so I always got the challenging kids, right? So they would come in and they would push. They they're trying to validate that they're difficult. So they would push me. Believe me, they push me, especially the teenagers. But I passed the test because I never lost it, right? My goal, and I dealt with bad behavior, but my goal was always to make them feel good. And I remember uh one of the teenagers said to me, I didn't like myself until I met you. And I thought, good, that's my goal, is that they like themselves when they're with me. How do you how do you treat people that make you feel good about yourself? Pretty darn good, right?
SPEAKER_00Well, not good that they didn't like themselves until up until that point.
SPEAKER_01My goal wasn't that they didn't like themselves. My goal was that when I was with them, they felt good about themselves. That was always my goal. Always.
SPEAKER_00Okay, would you like to get into the parenting questions?
SPEAKER_01Um, let me just say, yeah, in a minute, but also my goal wasn't to correct their bad behavior first. My goal was that they like them. My first goal was that they like themselves. And I did I did deal with the bad behavior, but my goal, my my um, my more dominant goal is that they like themselves. And the way to get there is not correcting them, it's connecting with them. Okay.
You connect before you you gotta correct at the same time, but the most important thing is the connection, not the correction.
SPEAKER_00Okay, sorry. Yeah, in a minute. Yeah, in a minute, whatever. Okay, we'll get into the first question. So, Sarah from Saudi Arabia, how to deal with a six-year-old boy that interferes in adult conversations and thinks he has autonomy to act like an adult, even though he knows the rules.
SPEAKER_01Well, knowing the rules has nothing to do with it. We all know we shouldn't speed, and sometimes we will anyway. So it's not knowing the rules, it's respecting the rules, okay? So do you talk okay? So he's intervening, and then what did she say? He thinks he's an adult, he talks like an adult.
SPEAKER_00What was the thinks he has autonomy to act like an adult, even though he knows the rules?
SPEAKER_01Act like an adult, even though he knows the rules, he's not an adult. I don't quite understand that part of the question. Anyway, he's an interrupter, okay? Make sure he gets enough time on his own to talk and and then say, okay, now dad and I or whoever you're talking to, we're gonna be talking, and say, and then if he interrupts, say, no, we're talking right now. You can just say it like that, just say it calmly. No, we're talking right now. If he continues to interrupt, what you can do is you can put on the behavior board, no interrupting, but you gotta be careful with that one because oftentimes you're talking and you and he he doesn't get a word in. So you got to make sure that he does get enough time to say what he's thinking and be able to talk. But if you've got a friend over, you're on the phone or something, that's when they shouldn't interrupt. So it's specifically usually when you're socializing with someone is when that rule really applies. So I would put it down, no interrupting when I'm on the phone, or no interrupting when I'm talking to a friend or something like that. And then with your partner, like your spouse, that one I would leave out of it initially in the first week and see how it goes with socializing
with other people and on the phone. Because the thing is, you're probably going to be talking to your spouse constantly, and then you're gonna have to say, no, don't don't interrupt. It's too difficult. So start with other people initially.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the next one is Alexis from the United States. My son, aged four, can have the best day with me and his little sister at home. Fun, lots of connection and play, calm and peaceful. And even then, when his dad come home comes home from work, he turns into a maniac, not listening, yelling and going crazy. Something about this transition sets him off. We make sure to involve him in conversation, let him tell dad about his day. What can we do to make this transition easier?
SPEAKER_01Well, I don't know what the what style of parenting the dad has. So he's everything's calm with you. Now, this can be that you're you're the pleaser and maybe he gets his own way all day with you, or you're a good leader and he's just sort of polite with you. I don't know which one it is, okay? Could be the other, could be the other way. Then the dad comes home, maybe he's the pleaser, and the so you sort of pass the pass the torch over to dad as soon as he comes in, and dad just isn't a very good leader, so the kids are walking all over him. Could be either way, I don't know which one it is. You you don't need to both be leaders, but you need to be on the same page. So let's say dad comes in and the kids start acting out. If you're a leader, you should be able to control that because they're very um much, especially past the age of three and a half, they're very under the umbrella of the leader. So if dad walks in and he is the pleaser, the leader still is the dominant the influence over the children. So I'm suggesting you might be a pleaser. I'm not sure about that. And dad certainly probably is. So he comes in and um, yeah, bedlam.
SPEAKER_00Do you want to talk about just that transition time? And you often talk about, I don't know if it would be in this case, but the transition activity.
SPEAKER_01I was gonna go with that and then I pulled back and I did the other way. Okay. There, when something new happens, so when they first come home from school or when dad comes home, it's often really good to have a transition exercise. It can literally be, okay, we're gonna go outside, we're gonna run around uh the backyard for five minutes and we're just gonna chase each play hide and seek or you know, play tag or something for five minutes. It's usually something physical, it's a transition exercise, something that you do as soon as dad comes home, five minutes of running around, and then it resets the brain. And it's also worked off a little bit of that excited
energy too. So yeah, I was gonna start with that and I went in another direction. Good one. Thank you for bringing that up.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the next one, Stephanie from Canada. I have twin five-year-old boys. One twin has been so much trouble, and I finally got it under control with your help, and then the other twin has started acting out. I feel defeated. The original troublemaker has had a few rough days since because I think he's seen the new troublemaker one, LOL. I have a question. What can be done if one twin has a fit because he doesn't get the socks he wanted for school? Somebody else is watching him, and she just Ends up giving him what he wants because he will miss the school bus if not. How should this be handled in this situation? And how should it be handled if it's something different and I'm at home and have more time to deal with the situation? I make time to draw or color, play games so they have enough attention.
SPEAKER_01Okay, well, if you can fix one, you should be able to fix the other. And I don't, and I can't tell you how to tell someone else how to parent. Like you're the one who's in charge of this. So what you can do is lay out the clothes ahead of time the night before. Have all the clothes laid out. So then that's it. And then if he has a fit, nothing you can do about that. Pick him up kicking and screaming and put him in the car and then get him dressed when you get there. So yeah, I can't help you with getting teaching someone else how to do this, but with you, lay out the clothes the night before. So there's no last-minute decisions and arguments. Are you suggesting maybe having more routines and structure overall? Oh, yes, for sure. They love routines. That's what that's why schools run really well, because they have nothing, they're so routine-oriented, schedules. We start at this time, lunch is at this time, bells are going, they've got clocks to look at, as visual
reminders, and there's no arguing it. Okay. So yeah, I would say, okay, so we're gonna pick out your outfit for tomorrow. Here it is, that's what you're wearing. In their brain, they get up, they put on the outfit. Generally, that's how it goes after a period of time. So it's already been decided. The problem is a lot of parents don't do that. They lay out the outfit, okay, that's it. The next morning the kid says, No, I want to wear that. And you go, Okay, oh, disaster. Once you've said that's it, you gotta stick by it. You gotta be willing to go through the fit scenes, meltdowns, and tantrums because they are gonna have them. And you've already said that's the outfit for tomorrow. If you let them change and have something different, disaster. Now you didn't, now you're not, you're a liar. You said that's what you're wearing tomorrow, and now all of a sudden you went back on it. They don't trust you now. You're not a leader.
SPEAKER_00Do you find as well the dynamic if you have twins or children who are really close in age, do you find that's challenging that they feed off of one another?
SPEAKER_01It can be. It can work that way. And yet also it can be a dis like even harder when it's maybe a a five-year-old and a two-year-old, because the five-year-old can be very dominant over the two-year-old. So that can work that way too. So yeah, it it can be harder with twins, but you said you fixed one, but not the other. But it just be consistent with both of them. But yeah, you're the socks are not the issue. It's the the control. They're just fighting for control. So have a system in place and follow through. Like I said, the biggest mistake parents make with stuff like this is when we decide the outfit the night before or we decide what bedtime is. Decide everything ahead of time so that if they do argue, let them argue, let them have a fit, but do not give in.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the next one is Kelsey from the United States. My almost three-year-old, who has a July birthday, runs away in public places.
SPEAKER_01Oh, the runner. Yeah. Uh so there's four things they're born to do or they're never gonna do. One is running, one is climbing, one is tantrums, and one is aggressive behavior. So that you can usually train them out of them by the age of about three. Um, but yeah, if they're running now, just say, I'll tell you what, if you run away from me, you're gonna be clipped in. So make sure you have a harness on them before you go out and then clip them into a leash. They're gonna drop and scream and have an absolute fit. So be prepared for that. So do some trial runs, places where you don't care, you don't have an appointment where you have to be anywhere. Let them drop and kick and scream and have an absolute fit. That's okay. As soon as they're done, say, okay, let's go. Don't do not take that leash off for the rest of that outing. It's gonna get ugly, but I like to just get in and deal with this stuff up front to make tomorrow easier. A lot of parents want to ease into it. Well, it's too hard. How do you don't? You just say, look, this is the way it's gonna be. You're gonna be clipped in if you run for the rest of that outing, and that's it. Follow through with that. It's the follow through which gains your leadership. I always say I worked really hard to be to get respect, to be a leader, because I said something and then I followed through. And I was willing to go through the fit scenes, meltdowns, and tantrums because I know that's me winning. That is the leadership taking charge.
SPEAKER_00And you always talk about the fact that you're approaching this because it's a safety issue.
SPEAKER_01Oh, for sure. Yeah, would you rather them get hit by a bus rather than put them on a leash? Yeah, you gotta put them on a leash. You gotta keep that kid alive. You strap them into a car seat, you put a leash on them if they run into the traffic. Yeah, absolutely. You gotta keep them alive.
SPEAKER_00Okay, we have one final question. Leslie from the United States. My youngest, who is 10, is precious, but just has a much stronger personality. And honestly, I started working when she was born, and I just haven't followed through with her like I did with my eldest. Probably partly because she pushed back more and then they did, and I gave in too easily. Now I have a 10-year-old who doesn't really listen or take no for an answer. I think the behavior board is great, but if our whole family is on there, how do I differentiate that with older kids who are teenagers? Did you call her Slesley? I think I said Leslie. I don't know. I heard Slesley.
SPEAKER_01My apologies. Sorry, I'm terrible. Anyway, I always like a laugh. Okay, um, I didn't quite understand the question. So she's considered the she because she already answered your question. She said, well, she pushed back more so we let things go. Don't let stuff go, but pick your battles. Okay, pick your battles, pick a few of them, maybe one per week, put it on the behavior board
and follow through with it. Okay. You've got to follow through. If they're, if you give in because it's just easier, you know it's gonna backfire. And then you said, how do we balance this with teenagers? I'm gonna read out my top five tips for parenting teenagers. They are different, okay? I'll just read them out quickly here. You listen to understand and show empathy. You don't listen to gather information to lecture with. If they want your advice, they'll ask for it. They already know it anyway. Number two, negotiate as much as possible with teenagers. Um, like I want your dirty clothes and the hamper, what do you want from me? And number three, don't sweat the small stuff. If they do something stupid and it's not a big deal, just say, well, that was stupid. Do you want to hear what I did when I was your age and laugh it off? Number four, don't leverage the good times to discuss the bad times. This could go for any age. You never discuss the bad times, okay? It's not appropriate. It's just negative. And number five is you can be a right fighter or you can be happy. This could be said with any age, really, but especially with teenagers, they will die on any hill arguing. Now, the problem is you've got a 10-year-old and then you've got teenagers. Uh, let's say they're 16. So you got 16 and a 17-year-old. It's okay to say to that 10-year-old, you know, things are different. When you're 16 and 17, there will be a few things that are different, okay? But put on the be, everyone has to be on that behavior board. And with teenagers, it might just be something like a chore, like them to do a chore. So you explain to that 10-year-old, when you're 16, that's the kind of rule you will have, okay? So it's okay to differentiate. If they're like 13 and 11, it's a bit harder to do, but 10 and 16 is a big age gap, so that's okay. But then just follow through. Put down a behavior that you want to correct on the behavior board and follow through every single time, okay? Because if you think that you're gonna make your life easier by giving in and not following through every so often, guaranteed you're making your life harder. That is gonna bite you in the butt, and it already is. So, yeah, just they already said they're not being consistent because they gave in. You know that's not the right thing to do. It seemed easier at the time, but it's just not, okay? And mix it with a lot of fun. Don't discuss all this negative stuff. I love the pool story for a good example of this. Uh, the pool story, you can just Google Bratbuster's pool story, how I dealt with this kid. I dealt with the bad behavior, but then I focused on the connection. That that's really was my superpower was I'm really good at connecting with kids. And it gets embarrassing to be rude to someone that you really feel close to. So that was always how I worked. Um, and when I dealt with my own kids and other people's kids, is you want to deal with the connection. Maybe they're feeling a little bit, you know, if you've let them get away with stuff, they don't feel good about themselves when they're getting away with stuff. So their self-esteem lowers and lowers and lowers. So make them feel good about themselves by following through. You're sort of forcing them to make good choices because you have a consequence if they make a poor choice. So you make them turn them into good people and they'll feel better about themselves and they will be. It's like that teenager that said to me he was really in big trouble, and I was working with him. And he said to me, My parents didn't love me enough to discipline me when I was younger. And you know, discipline is love. Even though they'll fight you on it, they I he said that. I didn't even ask him that. He brought that up. I thought that was fascinating. My parents didn't love me enough to discipline me. Isn't that fascinating? Yeah, he didn't want it now. He was like 16, 17. He didn't want the discipline now, but he identified that he didn't get enough growing up.
SPEAKER_00It is okay. Well, that was it for the parenting questions.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Um, so that's it. To wrap it up. What was the I forgot the topic I always do? It's about why children won't listen. Children won't listen because they don't respect you, because you haven't earned it. You gotta earn it. You don't, you don't come, you don't demand respect, you command it. You gotta work for it, okay? And you gotta stay 100% consistent. You want to be fun also, have that positive energy. I don't talk a lot about that, but always be receptive to them. If they okay, I taught I did touch on it, but I feel bad for parents who it doesn't happen. When my kids walked in the room, I lit up every single time. I just loved it. And when I was working with kids, I lit up when they walked in the room too. I just, I just love that that connection. They feel it. Boy, you're 10 steps ahead of the game when you can get that going. When you're really, when you really look forward to seeing kids, when they know when they walk in the room, it brings you joy. Okay. It's and how do I explain this without making them feel bad? Because I want them to feel good. Like I know that your kids might walk in the room and you don't have that going, but think about it. That's where leadership will bring you. When they're because leadership will make them feel good, and when they feel good, they do good. So you can even try faking it. Try and fake lighting up if you have to, but they they want to feel enjoyed. If they feel they bring you misery, they're just gonna keep doing it. If they feel they bring you joy, they're gonna keep doing it. Okay? Think about that.
SPEAKER_00I think are you asking parents to put themselves in the shoes of their children?
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay, that's a good way of putting it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. How how do you feel when you walk in the room and someone lights up when you walk in? Or they go, ugh. But I think that Think about that. Yeah. How does it make you feel? Even as an adult, we all like to be enjoyed, right? We all like to feel people like or that someone that's important to us, we want them to feel like we're important to them, right? So yeah, think about that. Very good way of putting it. Okay. Okay, thanks so much for joining us. Back again soon, talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
SPEAKER_00Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit Bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.