You have to respond every single time. And that's what parents struggle with. They say, I'm really good on Tuesday, but on Wednesday I'm tired because I had to work in the morning or whatever. It doesn't work that way. They remember the times that suit them, not the times that you did at will.
SPEAKER_01When he gets in these moods, he is honestly breaking me. I can only get bitten or hit so many times before I lose my cool. Please help. He doesn't seem to care.
SPEAKER_00Okay, I've already gone over how you deal with hitting, but the spitting, this is a good one, actually. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode
we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started.
SPEAKER_00Okay, sugar lump, what are we talking about today?
SPEAKER_01Today's topic is children hitting. Hitting.
SPEAKER_00Okay, good one.
SPEAKER_01And before we get into the parenting questions, something that I do see come up is is this something that you've taught them to do?
SPEAKER_00No, it's something they're born to do. It's innate. It's in their you can teach them how to hit, but it it's something that they're just born to do. They're either gonna be aggressive or they're not. It's like there's four things that they're born, it's in their DNA. They're already pre-wired to pre pre-wired to do that. One is aggressive behavior, which is hitting. Another one is running, like running away from you. They have no fear. Another one is climbing. They often go together, but not always. They're running and climbing. And the last one is tantrums. It's just in their DNA. They're hardwired to start doing it, but it's your job to train them out of it.
SPEAKER_01You see, some toddlers just suddenly go like WWE on.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they do that. And it's just in them. So it's not something that you've trained, unless you wrestle with them, by the way, that is teaching them how to be aggressive. Uh, but anyway, so yeah, it's something that they're hardwired to do, but it is your job to sort of train them out of it.
SPEAKER_01I wanted to start with that because I do see in the comments section sometimes where parents go, Well, I would just never allow my child to start doing that. And I I don't I wouldn't want parents to feel bad if their child suddenly does start hitting.
You mean little perfect poly says that she would never allow any of that stuff? Maybe it's a perfect poly. Yeah, perfect poly. Yeah, they're just annoying, so just ignore that. But yeah, it's it's just something that's in their DNA. It's not your fault they start doing it. So, how would you approach this? Let's go starting right from the beginning with babies. Okay, so with babies, you use redirection. So they hit and they'll start this at like, you know, infancy, usually around nine, 10 months, they'll start to do stuff like that. Anyway, and you just grab their hand very gently and you just say no, and you look kind of serious, but not not mad. You just you never want to go no and like that. You never want to uh yell sort of or be abrupt or be stern. You just say no, then you redirect and you say, Okay, let's go over here and do this. Don't let them get subsequent hits in. Often they'll hit, they get that weird reaction that they don't really like,
so they'll try to keep trying to hit to get a reaction they really want, which is like, no, no, you know, they want the animated kind of the emotional reaction. So just stay completely calm and just go no and then redirect a baby. A baby is up to about 16 months.
SPEAKER_01And then how would you approach this going to the toddler phase?
SPEAKER_00Okay, so a baby, you're teaching them right from wrong, right? Up to about 16 months. You're teaching them that hitting is wrong. That's all you're doing, really, because you're using redirection to sort of pull them away from it. So when they're 16 months, to me, a toddler is 16 to 35 months, it's just the way I've broken it down. Now they they know they shouldn't hit by 16 months. Now you're starting to actually discipline them. So when they hit, you say no, and you remove them from the fun or remove the fun from them, or you remove yourself
or whatever person they just hit. You remove them from that person or the person from them, just temporarily. Let them have a fit. They might have an absolute fit. That's okay. That's them processing, not getting their own way. That's okay. And then how are you approaching this as children get older?
SPEAKER_01Three to twelve.
SPEAKER_00Three to twelve, I would put it on the board and I would put down no aggressive behavior. But because if you just put no hitting, then they might start kicking, biting, et cetera. So just put down no aggressive behavior, and then you can say, and that means hitting, kicking. So you can explain that. But then when they do, then you just go to the board and you say, now let me see. So you hit your little brother. So your rule is no aggressive behavior. So here's your consequence.
SPEAKER_01And I again, this is just your general approach because I'm sure there are situations in which you probably handle this differently. But as you get into the teen years, I'm assuming that's a very different situation.
SPEAKER_00Okay. So let's say they're hitting. Uh, and and I want to say there's a lot of exceptions and different answers in coaching because it's more personal and I have more context, is
what I'm saying. But I'm just giving you general information here, okay? So uh let's say they're seven, eight, nine, and they hit, but let's say they really go in for it, okay? They're really hitting, they're going after you, it might be going after a parent even. As they get bigger, you want to physically restrain them from hitting when they're young, okay? So you want to pull them away if they're really going after someone. But as they get bigger, it gets more difficult. You always want to stop the aggressive behavior, and you just use the behavior board if they're not going, you know, going full force. But if they are going full force, um, you want to remove the victim rather than removing the hitter. So let's say they're going after their little brother and they're real, they're on top of them, they're really going for it. You try to, if they're bigger, like seven, eight, nine years old, and they're bigger than you, like let's say a lot of moms are really tiny and they can't handle that, right? They can't take that nine-year, that angry nine-year-old off the off the little brother, then you try and get the little brother away and protect him. And then you have a consequence. Once everything's calmed down, you have a consequence. If it was that bad, I would go straight to the second consequence, which is the negative deprivation. So I always start with cook, I always have two consequences for kids. The first one is the is the positive action. You get them to do a chore, it's just a good deed. If they won't do that, then you resort to the negative deprivation, which is usually 24-hour media blackout. But if they've really gone after someone, I would go straight to that second one. Because that's kind of a bigger deal, right? And with teenagers, if they get aggressive, um, you only intervene if they're hurt. You don't intervene if they're just damaging property, because you you do not want to get between an angry teenager and what they're after. But you do intervene if they're hurting themselves or hurting someone else, okay? If possible. But if you're a tiny little five foot two mom and you've got a 17-year-old angry guy who's like six feet tall, 200 pounds, yeah, you just got it's it's difficult. But uh it comes up in coaching. We we have ways of dealing with that, but I won't get into all that now. Basically, when they're babies you redirect, when they're toddlers, you correct by using actions, taking them away or removing the person or whatever. And then between three and up, or actually three and all the way up, there's a consequence on the behavior board.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I just wanted to point out that distinction, just for safety issues, if this is actually like a bigger concern than obviously looking into well, I can't I can't go into it, but if you've got a violent teenager, that that's coaching.
SPEAKER_00That's that's not a general answer. Also, that would be like professional. Oh, for sure. There's lots of things. Uh you know, when I'm working with parents and we're in crisis, I'm not the only person I say you need to work with. The police might need to be involved. There might be other counselors, there might be, you know, I'm just the parent-child relationship. I'm the parent-teen relationship. Uh, that's what I work on. So yeah, it's not just me that's doing this. If you've got a violent teenager, don't just hire me. You want to make sure that we'll we'll discuss that. There needs to be other pe other things at play too.
SPEAKER_01Okay, should we get into the parenting questions? Good idea. First one here is Alexandra
from Romania. My three-year-old and three-month-old son, who attends kindergarten, has started pushing and hitting other children during play. He finds it funny. We told him the new rule is no aggressive behavior. And every time his teacher tells me he pushed or hit someone, I give him a consequence when we arrive home. So he has to wipe the kitchen table. One day, while we were at the playground, he pushed another kid on the stairs, not hard, more as a joke. As a consequence, I told him he had to sit with me on the curb for three minutes. During that time, the boy he had pushed walked past us and my grab my son grabbed his leg, causing him to fall. At that point, I told him, That's it, we're going home. I picked him up and took him home. Did I handle the situation correctly? Is it enough to have him wipe the table every time he behaves aggressively, or should I be doing something different?
SPEAKER_00Uh, you're doing really well, I would up it though, okay? Um, the one at the park, or was it the park they were at? Okay. That one, I wouldn't let him near that kid. If he saw that kid coming near my your kid, I would hold him back because you I would expect that, by the way. Um, so, or just in case it might happen. But what I would do is, let's say it's at school and they're hurting kids at school, I would say, I'll tell you what, now he's gotta have a toy that he absolutely loves. There must be something that he's possessive of that he loves, might be a play, a video game console or something that he's allowed to play with. I would, if he hit someone at school, the rule would be they get to have your PlayStation for the weekend and play with it. Okay, something like he's a little bit young for that, um, but that's where you want to head. Like he, yeah, he's three, you might be three years and three months, you said. Might be okay. So the other kid get you might just bring it overnight. Say tonight we're gonna loan
this to that kid because you hurt him. So now you have to do something nice for him. So he has to give up something he loves to give to the kid that he went after. Okay. You might just, and what you would probably do is you would say to the other parent, you you usually can get, you know, access to the other parent through the teacher, whatever, and just say, This is what I'm doing. You don't even have to take it home, but I'm just telling him that that's what we're doing. Or if it's a friend and you know them, you could literally drop it off at their house and that child could play with it the next day and the next night. So yeah, have them give something that they absolutely treasure and love to their victim. Do you find that that's building resentment? Uh, it doesn't tend to. I uh you you would think it would, but it doesn't tend to. Um, he's a little bit young for the follow-through with this, but what I do with older kids is I have them do it over a weekend, and then on the Sunday night, they have a play date. That kid comes over with the PlayStation and they have a play date and they play together with it. They often be end up becoming friends. The whole idea here is if you treat someone mean, you have to replace it with something nice. That's called natural consequences, which I don't really care about too much, but this is one situation where it does work, but it's not always necessary to have a natural consequence. In other words, the punishment doesn't have to fit the crime. But this one is a perfect example of that happening.
SPEAKER_01Okay, should we get into the next question? Sure. So Rochelle from Canada, my 10-year-old son gets aggressive, so hitting walls, throwing things, shoving things off the counter, and even hitting me, even though not hard. When he's told that to do something he doesn't want to do or being told no to something. I've been using your method of ignoring outbursts when then he starts up, but he's trying to punch holes in the wall or break things, and I have to resort to holding him, which is getting more difficult. I'd like your input on how to handle these outbursts with older kids.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I kind of already touched on that. Yeah. Uh now, now you said he's hitting me, but not really hard. I don't care how hard he's hitting you. If he's hitting you at all, it could accelerate and get worse. He's only 10. Imagine when he's 15. Okay, so I don't know what else is going on though. It can't just be that. A lot of times parents will hire me and they say, I want to address the hitting, but we need to work on your connection with that kid. If he's that violent, it's not just about the hitting. It's about resentment, it's about lack of trust, lack of respect. So work on your leadership skills, and that should be a big part of it. So everything I just said about having it on the board and you said it's not working, there's gotta be something else missing there, okay? Work on your leadership skills. You might want to just get, well, you're already doing the behavior board. You might want to look into the course, okay? There's just more, you know, there's more in that. But yeah, work on your connection because you can't correct, especially teenagers, you can't correct until you're connecting. So you always connect them. You always want to work on the connection before the correction. I'm saying when they're younger, you want to do both. So yeah, right now you're working with the correction, but work on your connection. Something's missing there. There's no way he'd be going after a parent that he trusted as a leader. No way.
SPEAKER_01I think that's tricky. And I think that the last thing that a parent would probably want to focus on is the connection when you're dealing with that.
SPEAKER_00It is, but it's it's part of it. It's actually a more important part than the correction. Um, your connection is everything. So there's some resentment there. There's some lack of respect, there's some lack of trust from him to you. So you wanna you wanna do some, you know, that would almost just be coaching. I would have to investigate that. I don't have enough context here, but yeah, you want to look at what else is happening, is what I'm saying. It's not just about the hitting and the aggressive behavior.
SPEAKER_01Are you saying that's more how it's manifesting? Yes, exactly. There's something else going on. Okay, the next one is Henan from the United States. My 26-month-old daughter wakes up from her afternoon not very irritable and angry and screaming. She says no to everything and begins to hit me and her 14-month-old sister. I put her sister away safely, yet she follows her to hit her and me. I ask her to stop and that doesn't work. What to do?
SPEAKER_00Okay, uh now some kids do wake up on the wrong side of the of the crib. So, uh, and a lot of adults do too. Okay, she's just a slow waker-upper. That's usually how it manifests itself when they're little. So you want to have a transition exercise. As soon as she gets up, you there must be a song or something that she likes or a book that she likes. And it would be, okay, so you just got up, so let's read this book. Now I know what you're gonna say. Well, she's just too busy kicking and screaming. I might just play that song in the background and protect the 14-month-old, just hold them for a while. You might want to dance around calmly, don't make it look too crazy and wild. Dance around holding the 14-month-old while you're playing a song, right? It would sort of, and you're controlling the energy in the room, you're sort of making a positive environment. She can join in or not. Don't give her a lot of attention because if you're saying don't do that, don't do that, she's getting attention, you're actually feeding it. So I would kind of just ignore it. She can join in or not. That's up to her. But if she does join in, let her join in just right away. Don't mention all the moodiness or anything like that. Just let her join in. Just making it look real fun. Yeah, exactly. You know, you want to control the energy. You know, a lot of parents are so busy going down to the low road with the kids trying to fix it. I don't do that. I stay on the high road and I keep inviting them up. Eventually they'll join. She's little, she'll join eventually.
SPEAKER_01The next one is Natalie from the United Kingdom. Two years and nine months, and a five-month-old. The eldest is physically hurting or trying to hurt the baby. He will look as if he's doing it sometimes, like he knows what he's doing. Other times it's like he can't control himself or doesn't know what to do with his love or feelings. But I'm genuinely scared he's going to seriously hurt his little brother. He headbutts, pulls fingers back, pulls his limbs aggressively. Is this common and is there anything we can do to um about the hitting at home about it with him?
SPEAKER_00Okay. So I would it sounds like you've tried everything. Okay, that I say the one thing that you haven't mentioned is I fuss over the victim. So, and they hate that. They can't stand it. So he's going after the baby and you pick him up, try and obviously try and prevent it, right? So you grab the baby before he can hurt them, the little one. So you pick up the baby. If if he does go for him, you say, Oh, it's okay, mommy's got you. They can't stand that. So that's actually uh the last thing he wants. He wants attention put on him when he does that. They'll go for any accelerated emotions, whether it's negative or positive. It's very exciting to a toddler to get a bigger, to be able to control their parents like that. So if you see him going for the baby, you just say no, you let them know you saw what he's doing. He's going for the baby. You say no, pick up the baby and
fuss over the baby. Okay? Now, if he does actually get a hit in, then you pull him away and you say no, and then you pick up the baby and fuss over the baby again. They hate seeing their victims consoled and loved up. They just can't stand that. It's and now they don't tend to take it out on the baby. They okay, they just don't tend to do that. They tend to get mad at you and they tend to have more tantrums. They tend to claw at you. They don't tend to go for the baby, they tend to go for you. So, because you don't want to build resentment. That came up in a previous thing. Yeah, it doesn't tend to work that way. It doesn't tend to, it could, anything could happen. But anyway, so yeah, fuss over the victim and then just continually take stuff away and say nope and then take something away. Nope, take something away. And then you want to why is he doing this so much too? Are you playing with him enough? Is his love cup full? Love is fun, is their love language. You want to fill that up. Play with him a lot, okay? But if he does get aggressive while playing, you say nope and then you get up and walk away. Take the baby with you. Okay. So a lot of parents say, I do play with them. He gets really rowdy, though, it gets too worried. You got to get up right away and walk away. You can come back maybe five minutes later or 10 minutes later and play with them again. But every single time he acts out and gets a little bit rough, okay, and wild, then you say nope and you get up and walk away. You have to respond every single time. And that's what parents struggle with. They say, I'm really good on Tuesday, but on Wednesday I'm tired because I had to work in the morning or whatever. It doesn't work that way. They remember the times that suit them, not the times that you did it well. Okay. So you got to be 100% consistent. See, this is a battle you're gonna win. You know, you pick one battle per week. Whenever I'm coaching parents, we pick one battle per week. This is your battle. It should start to ease up after about a good week or two of you being 100% consistent. Remember, they remember when you mess up, not when you do it right. So make sure you do it right. It's the only thing that you're trying to perfect is this aggressive behavior because you do not want that baby to get hurt. Plus, the baby's really tiny, probably not really mobile yet. Once that baby's mobile, he's really got more free reign with that baby. He's gonna have more access to it. So you want to fix this now.
SPEAKER_01And we've discussed this before as well. It's the idea that I think it while it may be like when you're like you have to be so consistent, and that may seem overwhelming, is I just don't think that going in with the mindset of it's going to be easy will help parents often because if they feel like it is and it's not easy, I'm sure that would be harder.
SPEAKER_00Well, I always say it's, you know, you got to go through the storm to get to the rainbow. Everyone wants the rainbow. Well, what do I do right in the moment? Well, you're building towards the rainbow tomorrow, but there's always gonna be a storm up front. They usually get worse before they get better once they sense that you're taking control. And you know, a lot of parents will do the easy stuff, like they'll just, oh, do you want a lollipop or whatever they'll do? They're going for short-term gain for long-term pain. I always say, I'm going for short-term pain for long-term gain. Yes, this is hard work. That's why I said you only focus on that one particular thing. He might be doing other things that are naughty too, but you just focus on that aggressive behavior because that's the most important thing you want to address. Just focus and be 100% consistent with just that one thing for now. You don't have to be 100% consistent with everything. I get this uh a lot of kickback in coaching if people haven't seen me before and they just sign up because someone recommended me, so they don't know much about me, and they'll say, Yeah, but I want the big picture. How are we gonna fix everything? What about this and that? And I say, no, no, no, no. We we perfect one method with one particular behavior first. Then we're you're learning skills, okay? Then you can move on to the next thing. So just focus on the aggressive behavior. It's the only thing you're worried about. Don't worry about bedtime or meal time or any other things that aren't going well. Just focus on that aggressive behavior. You do have to be consistent, and it's going to be really, really hard, but boy, is it worth it.
SPEAKER_01I just think having the expectation, it's like almost, you just don't want to build it up as being something that's just gonna be smooth sailing.
SPEAKER_00I have never said any this is easy. You know, getting respect is really hard work. Maintaining it's easy. It's a piece of cake, but getting it is really hard work.
SPEAKER_01And then do you find that if you're really consistent around toddler age, do you find that if you're consistent with one thing, that it kind of bleeds out into the other areas?
SPEAKER_00Well,
that's why I've got three weeks of behavior boards and I'm working with three and above. Um, so we've got the first week, you're just learning how to sort of do this. The second week, you're starting to get a little bit more confidence. The third week, you're starting to get even more confidence. Then in the fourth week, we deal with everything. But by that time, often the kids are getting better with everything anyway, because they're starting to understand that you're a leader, you're calm, and you're also usually more fun, especially in coaching. I really push that. Fun is their love language, play is their love language, fill that cup up, make sure it's overflowing so that all this negative discipline stuff will work. You gotta balance it out, but it's gotta be like 90, 90, 10. It can't be 90, 90% fun and 10% discipline. Now it's not enough. Parents will say, Well, they're rotten all day. Yeah, but you make the discipline fast and draw out the fun, drag it out.
SPEAKER_01Oh no, I've done 11% today. Oh no.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, uh-oh, 11 and a half, uh-oh. Like staying up until midnight playing just to like trying to play. That's right. Gotta fill the cup up.
SPEAKER_01The next one is Samantha from the United States. My 20-month-old daughter will kick and scream and hit when we're doing things she doesn't want done, so diaper changes, doing her hair and washing her hair. I'll stop playing when we are playing or anything like that, but I can't just not react when she's kicking me as I change her diaper. She responded well to your methods during normal circumstances, but I don't know how to translate your advice to things that are needed to do when I can't ignore the tantrum. For background, she goes to daycare during the day while my husband and I work, and I do my best to make things fun and keep her engaged while she's home. It's just when she doesn't want things done, she gets upset.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Um, I'm wondering what she's like at daycare. You didn't mention if she's like that at daycare, too. I'm guessing she isn't. So she does know how to control herself. I'm guessing. Okay, here's the thing. You see, you said I have to react. No, you don't. You just hold her down, get that diaper on as best you can. It might be around one leg and not even the I don't care. But you don't react. You don't look, you don't get eye contact with her either. And you don't pull toy. Oh, do you want this toy? Do you want that toy? It's okay to give them a toy on the change table if you put them on the change table with a toy. Once they start up with the scene, you don't feed it by giving them a toy, okay? So anyway, I just like if my if kids was, uh if a kid was fussing with me on the change table, I it might take me five minutes to put that diaper on, but it's going on. I'm not talking to them. I'm not looking at them. I might, I usually put my elbow, sort of my forearm across their chest and I change them sort of upside down. Um so my hands, my elbows up near their sort of their chest and my hands are down changing the diaper, it's an easier way to hold them down. But I don't hold them down super forcefully. Like usually they'll kind of give in once they realize you're pretty calm and you're pretty steady. But if not, I just do the best I can, get it on them, and then I don't talk about it at all. It's like that didn't bother me one little bit. If it looked like it bothered you, they're gonna keep doing it.
SPEAKER_01Okay, the next one is Jade from the United Kingdom. Two-year-old has started throwing things, blowing raspberries and spitting and biting nonstop. And if I tell him off, he just laughs. I try your method of a firm single no and then move the item or myself. It doesn't matter. He just laughs at me and continues. There's no tantrum or signs that he understands it or is learning as he just carries on. Last week I had a wooden car thrown in my face after a long day of the above, and I did shout. I lost it, but he did not care. He laughed and then blew a raspberry in my face. When he's the good kid, he is a dream. A kind-natured and loving boy, but when he gets in these moods, he is honestly breaking me. I can only get bitten or hit so many times before I lose my cool. Please help. He doesn't seem to care.
SPEAKER_00Okay, I've already gone over how you deal with hitting, but the spitting, this is a good one, actually. Whenever they spit, I say no. And then what I do is I always make sure you have what have this handy. Make sure you have a wet face washer, okay? You don't want it to be warm and comfortable. It can be nice and cool. It's been sitting out for a while. So you always have that handy if you've got a spitter, okay? So they blow raspberry spit and you say, Oh no. And then you take that cloth and you take your time, don't hurt them, but take your time wiping. Their face. They hate that. They want you want that child to associate spitting with having their face wiped. No kid likes having their face wiped. They just don't. I don't I probably wouldn't like it, although I do like facials, but anyway. But anyway, so yeah, you just they you want them to associate spitting with something negative, okay? So make sure it's not a nice, comfy, warm one. You're not hurting them with this. It's just uncut, it's just unpleasant. They just don't like having their face washed. Then if they spit somewhere, you clean that up. Never try and get them to clean it up. That's ridiculous. Okay, so that's how you deal with spitting. And I've already gone through with hitting. And then you said nothing seems to work. He's laughing at you. You do get upset. They remember what suits them, not what doesn't. So they remember the times you get upset. It's a very powerful feeling for a little one to control their parents' emotions like that. So you just want to, I I know it's hard to do, but that's what's gonna set you back, is your reaction if you do yell and get all upset.
SPEAKER_01I was reading that and I was like, that would be really frustrating when you just got hit and then the child laughs and they're blowing raspberries in your face. That would be frustrating.
SPEAKER_00I'd be more inclined if if you're really losing it, right? I'd be more inclined if they did throw something and they hurt you and they spit and everything. I would forget it all, and I'd probably just get up and walk away and do the dishes or something and pretend it didn't bother me. I would get up and leave the room if I had to, rather than yelling and losing it. I would just get up and leave. Then you're removing the fun. They want you there. They want to be able to attack you and they think it's funny, right? So but they don't really think it's funny. It's a different kind of a thing. It's more of a power excitement, kind of an adrenaline rush. It's not real laughter, it's not gut laughter usually.
SPEAKER_01So, what you can do is you can get the soundproofing for your pantry and put it all in. Just go into your pantry and scream. And scream.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I've told parents to go and scream into a pillow if they need to. Like if you're gonna lose it, you're better off to get up and just leave the room rather than even worrying about the spitting or the discipline, just get up and leave. And you leaving is part of the discipline.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we have one final question. So, Erica from the United States, two weeks into implementing your behavior board and parenting style. We started with no hitting and shoes on within five minutes as the two rules. I've been good at remaining calm and direct, implementing consequences such as wiping a baseboard or helping with dishes, followed by the 24-hour media blackouts. Unfortunately, she's not phased by the consequences. She chooses not to do them and simply says okay and shrugs her shoulders calmly when the blackout starts. On occasion, she will ask to watch a movie and I calmly say your consequences no TV for the rest of the day, and she says okay and runs off to play. I don't feel like it's enough, yet I'm sure not sure what else to take away. Unfazed by toys or privileges being taken away, just moves on to something else. I've noticed that what irks her the most is when I ignore her competive behavior. When she breaks a rule or acts out and starts tantruming, she immediately starts to hit me and scream. When I ignore her, she yells, answer me, or I hit you. Clearly, um, she's clearly upset and it isn't working like it once was. I know you said it'll get worse before it gets better, better, so I'm weathering the storm, but those tantrums only hit 50% of the time. The other time is simply ignoring the consequences as she runs off to play and then moves on after the deprivation starts. Any ideas on something that's more impactful for consequences or what I may be doing? There wasn't a specific age for this one.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it's too bad you don't have an age there. Uh anyway, but it's not a behavior board, is it? Okay, so it must be three and above. Anyway, all I heard was that when she said, Can I watch a show? And then you said, No, because you've got you fed it. You answered her. She hates being ignored because you answered her. She was in control in that moment. She knows that she can't watch TV or watch the show, but she asked you and you answered it. I would just look at her like, hmm. I might just go, I might just shake my head, just go, no, or whatever. Or I might just look at her and then look away. She already knows. She's trying to pull you in. She's trying to get you to explain yourself. The more you explain, the more you complain. Now that's not always a bad thing, but this child does not want to be ignored. Okay. She's going for the attention with all this stuff. That's you already told me all that, right? So I got a lot more information. But yeah, that would be very powerful, powerful with her. If she asks you something and she knows she can't have it, there's no need to explain it. Just say, nope, or whatever. Even saying what I'm saying, if she's older, even saying something like five and above or in seven, even saying if she says, Can I watch a show? I would just go, whatever. You see, that's even more sort of, you're sort of snubbing her almost with that question. You're letting her know she can't control you, and you're not gonna explain yourself. So yeah, you're explaining too much.
SPEAKER_01Would the little laugh there be considered mocking or it's just a challenge?
SPEAKER_00It's a challenge. It's like, what are you gonna do about this? Ha ha ha ha. It's a challenge.
SPEAKER_01No, from your end where you go, where you just went, whatever. Yeah. It wasn't a challenge. I was like, oh, where are we going with this? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Okay, well, when they do laugh at you often it is a challenge, so that's where I went. Anyway, what what what did I laugh? What do you mean? Because you went, hmm, whatever. Like But that wasn't a laugh. That was just hmm, yeah, no. Okay. It's more like your face, so yeah. It was like, huh, yeah, yeah, whatever. Yeah, you just treat it like that's ridiculous. Like, but don't say that. Don't don't don't use a lot of words, just go, whatever. She knows exactly what she's doing. Because she she you uh also she said, you answer me, you answer she's threatening you because she's used to controlling you, right? She's used to you answering. That's that's why she says that. You answer me. Kid wouldn't say that to me. Not after one day with me. They wouldn't say that to me, right? But when she says to you, you answer me, or else, or whatever she said, that's a clue to me. It says that you always do. You always explain yourself. You look very weak when you do. She already knows, she's been told. 24 hour media blackout, that's it. No show for 24 hours. That's it. I wouldn't explain it again. Well, that was it for the parenting questions. Okay, so it was kids hitting. Um, I already went through all the different ages, how you deal with it. Um, it's something that they're born to do, but and what I didn't go through in this um podcast was when it should end. It really should end by two and a half to three. If you're dealing with this effectively, you'll see it disappear. Um, they might have the odd hit after that, uh, but it should really dissipate and disappear over a period of time. Okay. It's not going to disappear right away when they're toddlers. It takes a while, it might take a few months or whatever for them really to get it out of their system. Uh, but yeah, it it should end by about three. That's your goal. But if they're hitting now and they're seven, then it might be a you know a few months before they really stop. And when I say a few months, it should, it should lessen in intensity, but it should really end after a few months. Okay. Well, I think that's a great place to end. Okay, well, thanks so much for joining us. Back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.
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